Jawohl, Mein Freund! Let Us Practice Medicine! Ve Shall Make Ze Science Und Heal Ze Vorld.... Vun Shot At A Time!

by Jsyrin

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Human, Anthro, Main 6, Princess Luna
Length: 2121

Heinrich der Mediziner: Proud German, flaming homosexual, combat medic, user of the Medi-Gun, and proud member of Luna's Medicorp. This is his story.

When Heinrich landed in Equestria, demons overran the world. Three months later, and he's still helping to fight them back, Medigun and Syringe Gun in hand, the Hippocratic Oath at his feet, Bonesaw at his belt, and labcoat on his back.

He's pledged himself to Luna, Princess of the Night, and with his oath he shall defend the ponies of Equestria until his dying breath.... and then he'll respawn and defend them some more.

Published 2015-05-05 22:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-28 09:23:38 UTC

ZE HEALING IS NOT AS REWARDING AS ZE HURTING!

“RAUS, RAUS!”

Heinrich waved forth the tide of his comrades, standing ready and proud, Medigun in hand and syringe gun at his belt. Beneath him was a Ponn Co. crate stuffed full of medical supplies. Around him was war and death, ponies dying by the score, only for the barracks behind him to flash red and spit them out once more, completely healed to the point that even their crossbows had reloaded with full quivers.

“AHAHAHAHA! LET US PRACTICE ZE MEDICINE!” Heinrich shouted, jumping from his crate and rushing into the battle, blasts of red bursting from his Medigun and healing his injured troops with incredible efficiency. Around him, demons ran amok, slaying and being slain in spurts of red and blue gore.

Heinrich overhealed and revived as best as he could, desperately hoping the sixty respawn systems that he’d cobbled together wouldn’t short out– that many respawn devices stuck on top and around each other was never meant to exist.

As the Medic stained his already RED attire blue with gore, he heard a deep, bellowing cry echo across the field as his supplier charged across the field, muscles flexing and hooves ready for combat, Trophy-Belt-wrapped Slouch Hat atop his head and vocal cords screaming out his signature battlecry.

“SAXTON! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYLLLLEEEE!”

The overly-manly earth pony launched through the air, completely unharmed even by direct hits from the demons’ flames. With a resounding SLAM! complete with text bubble and bolded script, Saxton Hayle, owner of Ponn Co. and primary supplier of Heinrich’s medical supplies, landed atop the demon creeping up behind the stationary Heinrich, crushing it into the dirt and exploding its entire body into a messy spray of giblets.

“Danke, kamerad!” Heinrich shouted, spraying the surrounding demons with poison-loaded syringes and hacking off an unfortunately close demon’s head with his bone saw.

“No problem, Medic!” Saxton Hayle replied, already launching off into the distance to goomba-stomp more demons in the face. Heinrich watched his Australia-cutie-marked supplier off, grinning maliciously at the now wary pack of demons around him. Heinrich cracked his neck twice. “Let’s go practice medicine…”

And with a loud “HORRIDO!”, Heinrich charged forward, picking a war-axe from the ground and leaping into the air, burying the axe into the skull of an alpha demon, using its corpse as a springboard to push him into a beta demon, slamming feet first into the unlucky winged-demon’s face. The Medic rode the demon back to the ground, spiking it in the throat with syringes all the while. One impact upon the ground later, Heinrich adjusted his glasses and reloaded his syringe gun casually, strolling up to a wounded pony surrounded by demons.

“Ahh, if it isn’t Sunset Shimmer! How are you zis fine day?” Heinrich asked, the surrounding demons warily circling around the two. They had seen just what this seemingly innocuous creature had done to their comrades, and were not ready to die just yet.

“Eh, could be better, doc. Fuckers got my leg and my spear. I liked that spear!” Sunset complained, adjusting her armor to better accommodate the slash running from hoof to shoulder.

“Vell, my pyromaniacal fruend, how is your magic? Still good?” Heinrich’s grin was unsettling, as was Sunset’s own sudden smirk.

“What are you waiting for, doc? Heal me up and let’s go.”

“Then let us show zese schweinhunds just what a proper man of science can do, ja?”

“Jawohl, Herr doktor.”

Heinrich lifted his Medigun. “Your accent is still terrible, by zhe vay.”

And then RED filled the air as Heinrich Ubercharged Sunset, waves of fire rolling through the landscape and immolating the heat resistant demons where they stood, not even their toughened skin capable of standing up to the most powerful unicorn in Equestria.

Heinrich cackled maniacally, running behind Sunset as she charged forth, concentrated bursts of fire burning through each and every demon in her path.

“I AM FIREPROOF!”

Heavy boots crunched through the ash covered fields outside the remnants of Los Pegasus, the former gambling city now reduced to a mere shantytown of refugees and soldiers.

Through this, Heinrich marched, proudly saluting his employer, the illustrious Princess Luna, bringer of the night and current leader of the western defensive line.

“Mein Princess! Zhe area outside of zhe city is cleared of demons!” Heinrich saluted, awaiting his next orders.

Luna nodded, putting up her spear and armor, tousling her flowing mane out into the open air. “That is good, Heinrich. Art thou well? We cannot have our most able Medic incapacitated, after all.”

Heinrich grinned and spread his arms, “Not a scratch on me!... Zhe same cannot be said about our deceased opponents, however.”

“Of course. Now then, Heinrich, several refugees had made their way here before the attack came. Wouldst thou be so kind as to give them all their mandatory check-ups?”

“Of course, mein Princess. I am happy to serve.” Heinrich bowed and headed into the shantytown, making his way over to the area marked ‘Clinic’. As he entered the rather expansive swath of tents, he reached his own personal tent, flipping the sign out front around so that it read ‘The doktor is IN.”

“Vell? I haven’t got all day. Come in, come in!” Heinrich waved over the startled refugees, each one wary of the strange being that towered over them, but they complied nonetheless, each one receiving a thorough check-up by the somewhat deranged but well meaning doctor.

After an hour of testing reflexes and the occasional burst of the Medigun, Heinrich settled back in his slightly battered swivel chair, enjoying one of the only things in the camp that were available in bulk: a cigarette.

He took a long drag of the cancer stick, enjoying the somehow clean aroma it gave off. Truly, Equestrian tobacco far outclassed even the best of Earth’s tobacco. Perhaps it was the magic in the air, perhaps it was just their love of good air quality.

Either way, it meant that his cancer sticks were about as deadly as a ball of fluff. Potentially, but only if choked on.

With a quiet chuckle, the Displaced Medic sat back and enjoyed his spare time, reminiscing about the events that led up to his life here, three whole months ago...

HAHA! VHAT A BLOODBASZ!

It had all started three months ago, back on a planet called Earth. Heinrich der Mediziner was, at the time, simply Henry Ackermann. A medical student at St. James School of Medicine, the twenty eight year old man was known for two things: His knowledge of human anatomy and his love of Team Fortress 2. Of course, that convention he’d gone to didn’t quite go as planned, and the fire really didn’t he- “Heinrich! Are you reminiscing again!? Get up you lazy bum we have demons to kill!”

Heinrich awoke with a start, his cigarette burning itself out against the floor as he scrambled to ready his equipment for battle. “Ja ja, frau Shimmer! Don’t get your panties in a tvwist!”

Sunset glared at the medic from outside his clinic-tent, her gaze telling him to simply hurry up or be kicked where the sun never shined. Heinrich continued his scramble, throwing on his standard labcoat and gloves and strapping on his weapons. Finally, after a tense thirty seconds, he stood next to Sunset, looking around. “... I don’t hear any sirens, Sunset. Vhy are you telling me to kill demons vhen zhere are no sirens?”

Sunset facehoofed and pointed out at the gate, where a horde of demons could be seen racing directly at the camp. “See those demons? Small horde, no sirens. No need for evacuation yet. Now let’s go. I need to set something on fire.” With that, the bacon-haired unicorn ran off, horn already sparking with the fire she was so renowned for.

“Jawohl, mein fuhrer…” Heinrich rolled his eyes and chuckled, standing at attention for a moment and then racing off after Sunset, syringe gun already blazing out a stream of expertly aimed needles, impacting each demon in sight in their various soft and fleshy bits to distract them. “Ahahahaha! Flee you ugly bastards! Flee!” Heinrich took the time to enjoy this little rout, casually beheading demons with his bonesaw while pinning their drugged and insensate forms to the ground with his boots. The soldiers around him surged forward, stabbing at the demons with spears and swords as the archers in the back laid down suppressing fire. Just as soon as Luna’s soldiers had taken down another enemy and began advancing on the remaining four Beta demons, an eerie mist filled the open field outside the forward base camp.

And within the mist came an ominous red glow and the sound of… singing?

“Aaa-aaa-aaaa-aa-aaaaahh~”

Three forms came floating from the mist, a bizarre mix of pony and fish, each one singing in the most hypnotic manner as the mist around the army swirled and gained a green tint.

“Oh scheiße.”

Heinrich was well versed in these three new combatants, having read Princess Twilight’s dossier of potential enemies once he had officially been inducted into the military.

The Sirens, spreaders of dissent and betrayal. Heinrich immediately cursed his lack of earplugs as he noticed the rest of the soldiers begin to turn on each other. As he looked around, he felt his own rage grow, but he suppressed it as much as he could, not wanting to snap and kill everyone on the field. A sudden blur of gold and red slammed into the side of one of the singing sirens, knocking the purple one from the air in a burst of fire and a melodic screech of agony.

Sunset Shimmer immediately pinned the dazed form of Aria Blaze’s natural body to the ground and began wailing on the unfortunate siren with fire coated hooves, punctuating each strike with a shouted word. “I! ALREADY! BEAT! YOU! ONCE! ON! EARTH! WITHOUT! MAGIC! AND! I! CAN! KICK! YOUR! FLANK! AGAIN! WITH! MAGIC!”

The remaining two sirens broke off their song, mist dispelling as the two fish-ponies rushed at Sunset. Heinrich stepped in dramatically, labcoat flaring behind him and bonesaw gleaming with the steaming blue blood of the demons he had killed. With a casual flick of the wrist, he sliced open the throat of a wolf-like demon as it pounced at him, catching its muzzle in his thick, red glove and slamming the soon-to-be corpse into the ground even as he threw his saw into the air to fire his syringe gun into the wolf-demon’s head until it finally stopped thrashing and laid still. “Oops. Zhat vas not medicine,” Heinrich taunted as he caught his airborne saw, leveling a malevolent smirk at the suddenly nervous pair of Sonata Dusk and Adagio Dazzle.

Heinrich cracked his knuckles and hefted his bonesaw, now dripping with even more blue blood. He slowly advanced upon the two sirens as they slowly backed away. Sonata eeped in surprise when both sirens found themselves backed against a tree. Heinrich drew his arm back in preparation, when Sonata suddenly lunged at Adagio, kicked her into a horde of soldiers, and laid herself at Heinrich’s feet, screaming, “PLEASE DON’T KILL ME I SURRENDER!”

“...Eh?” Heinrich stared at Sonata’s quivering form as Sunset, now clad in the dribblings of Aria’s blood and charred flesh, trotted up and joined the staring.

“.... So she surrendered?” Sunset asked, poking the siren who only responded with a tiny shriek of fear.

“It vould appear so, frau Sunset.” Heinrich looked down and finally let his better side win out, bending over to scoop Sonata into his arms and carry the blue fish-pony over to the med-bay.

“Smart move,” Sunset deadpanned, still sore over how the trio of sirens had driven Canterlot High to chaos two years ago.

“Indeed it vas, mein golden freund. If she hadn’t, I vould have killed her.” Heinrich chuckled and patted the now much more pony-like form of Sonata on the head, the sedated siren mewling cutely in her sleep about tacos and other such inanities.

“Same.” Sunset looked down upon Sonata’s curled up form and immediately winced at just how strangely adorable the blue member of the sirens was. It was almost as if Sonata were a small font of innocence in a cruel world, but Sunset knew better. She had seen Sonata rip faces off of screaming soldiers, turn even her own army against itself, leaving nothing behind but a disgusting mix of red and blue gore.

“I hope you realize that we’re going to have to tell Princess Luna about this.” Sunset mentioned, already moving off to the small bedroll she had set up in Heinrich’s tent.

“.... SCHEIßE!”

Sonata slept on, dead to the world.