Welcome to Ponyville
(a Welcome to Nightvale parody)
Episode 1: Animated twig
Have you ever wanted to be a parasprite? Do wind stalkers haunt your house? The moon never sets on your cottage. So I must say…
Welcome to Ponyville
“Hello and welcome back to our humble town radio show hosted by me, Twilight Sparkle.
So I got a call today from Pinkie asking me if I ever leave my new radio show. Get this straight. I Can Never Leave This Radio Show Until A Broadcast Is Done. Sorry, but it’s the way it has to be if I ever want to get Ponyville news to everypony. I am like a lighthouse in times of strife. I am the beacon in the night.
Well, now to the news. Granny Smith reports to have new friends, they are incredibly tall and have been reported to be… alicorns. ALICORNS ARE NOT REAL. Being an alicorn is illegal, and of course, alicorns don’t exist. Everypony knows that. It’s common knowledge. Granny Smith has said that her “friends” just appeared one day and stated living with her. She said, ‘They’re super-dee-dooper helpful since they moved in. They’ve helped pick apples in the orchard, keep the house clean, bake and deliver pies and kicked out Applejack and the other ones.’ She said this to me while on the shoulders of her “friends.” It has also been reported that Applejack, her brother and sister are looking for a new place to stay for a while.
Also in the news today, Mayor Mare has called another emergency press conference to speak about her new trip to Manehatten. She said that Manehatten is a wonderful place, filled with adventure, if you are allowed to get the permits to leave Ponyville. After that, the reporters in the audience rolled their eyes as she continued to brag about her trip and her mayoral privileges.
Now for the Foal’s Science Corner: life is meaningless. You have a tiny, tiny, TINY chance at ever being successful and you will probably die alone and worthless. Now take those feelings I generated and stick them into a glass tube (make sure the sides are thick enough) and bottle those feelings away for when you are older. And that was the Foal’s Science Corner.
Intern Lily has just handed me a note saying that a pulsating, maroon cloud has been spotted on the horizon. It has been said that is it dropping Twittermites and pieces of Timberwolves. They would like to be known as animate twigs. How do I know this you ask? One of the “animate twigs” has just fallen through the roof of our little radio station and onto my lap. It is actually pretty nice. It has just told me that my eyes are lovely and that… my mane looks especially nice today. Well that’s nice of you to say animate twig! What is that? ...Your name is Cade? That is a very nice name, Cade. Why thank you! I thought that my magic was extra sparkly today too! Wow you are the nicest animate twig I have ever met. You’re the only animate twig I’ve met. Would you like to listen to me work? You would! That’s great! After work we can go get dinner if you want. Ok let me finish todays broadcast. News has just come in that the pulsating, maroon cloud has stopped over the center of town and has started to speak. Here is a recording caught by intern Lily.
Cloud, ‘PUNY PONY MORTALS, I SEARCH FOR THE MOST PURE OF HEART, BUT OF THE DARKEST INTENTIONS TO AID ME IN MY QUEST. I WILL BE HOLDING A TRIAL TO ALL THOSE WILLING IN THE NON-FORBIDDEN PARK TODAY AT 4:00. ANYPONY WHO IS LATE WILL BE INCINERATED AND EATEN BY THOSE WHO WERE ON TIME. IF YOU ARE EARLY, YOU WILL BE CAST INTO A PIT NEARBY AND USED AS “TOOLS” FOR THE TRIAL. BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!’
Well that last line was cheesy… but it sounds like fun! Too bad I can’t leave the radio station until I’m finished and we all know how hard it is to get out of work early. I have to leave a note and a vial of pure magic at the station management’s door and wait for the loud, guttural, animal like screams to end and then listen to them tapping out their answer in Morse code quietly on the door while they scream. I’ve given up trying anymore.
Intern Lily has just handed me another note that the pulsating, maroon cloud has started emitting radio signals in pig Latin naming all the princesses of Equestria and secret messages in some strange code behind the speaking, but SHHHHH it’s a secret. Maybe this is the trial… maybe I can play a part too. I hate being left out of things so much. Well at least I have Cade, the animate twig, with me. I guess the trial hasn’t started yet since it’s only 3:48. I wish luck to all those who are participating in the cloud’s trial.
Now for the community calendar. Monday is local Panic Day. Make sure to practice you screams and ensure your nuclear shelters are in proper order. Tuesday does not exist, no buts, Tuesday is NOT happening. On Wednesday some of your future selves will be returning to Ponyville to tell you either how awful your life will be or how successful you’ll be if you kill that one pony. COUGH Trixie COUGH. I look forward to seeing me again. On Thursday the mayor will be having her annual anniversary party to celebrate her 23rd year since her first all day emergency press conference. Friday is the opening of the new pet park. DO NOT GO INTO THE PET PARK. BEWARE THE PET PARK. DO NOT GO NEAR THE PET PARK. THE PET PARK IS FORBIDDEN. I’m excited to see something new in Ponyville. We haven’t had anything new since the dangerous library at the edge of town went up. No it’s not the nice one that I used to live in but it’s… there. Saturday is Cactus Appreciation Day. Make sure to take a cacti home to love and appreciate… or else. They get unhappy if unappreciated. You all know what happen last year when Colgate forgot to appreciate hers. I send all my support to those who lost someone last year. May they rest in peace. Sunday is the day to avoid all librarians. I have since passed that profession and went into the radio business! I don’t think I would have been able to have been a librarian any moment longer. Radio is a lot calmer as a profession and safer.
News has just come in that the trial has started. Intern Lily has just sent a message through Spike from the scene. Spike is starting his training as a reporter by following Lily. She reports that a large, dangerous looking, stone obstacle court has appeared in our public park. The cloud has assured us that the park will be as good as new when the trial is finished. Lily reports that the cloud has given the participants armor and elaborately decorated blindfolds. Lily has just informed me that she wants to participate as well. Good luck to her and the others participating. I think I’ve said that already but I don’t care. At least I have my reports from Lily. She has just sent me a photo of her in her armor and blindfold. I can see the park from my small window and the stone obstacle looms over Ponyville like a mountain. I can see the specks of what I think are ponies climbing all over the obstacles. It looks like fun. Lily has just told me the goal of the trial, you have to make it to the top of the course in the fastest time without dying. I wish I could spend more time with my friends… like we used to. Oh what’s this? Lily has just sent me a new message with a photo. She says the obstacle course is far more dangerous than it look and not fun at all. Phew, I thought I was missing something. That’s a huge relief. Lilly says most of the participants have died but she’s almost to the top and no one has made it yet and if she makes it she’ll be in the cloud’s favor. She can see it now, the top. She made it. She says that the cloud has stopped the trial and is heading towards her and there’s an opening it the bottom of the cloud. Uh, listeners, she just told me to say good bye to everypony and that she is ascending to a higher plane of existence. Her messages just suddenly ended. My condolences to Intern Lily’s friends and family, may she enjoy her new life on the higher plan of existence.
And now for the weather:
Youtube Video
The cloud has returned from the higher plane but no Lily. The cloud says that she is settling into her new life well and that she is now omniscient. The cloud also says if any of her friends would like to see her they can but they won’t be able to stay on the higher plane for too long but they can say hi and chat for a little bit. I wish I could see my friends again. It’s been too long since we’ve seen each other. We can learn a lesson from the cloud; you can achieve omniscience by hard work and armor.
Oh I got a letter from Rarity listeners, she says that business in booming in Manehatten and that she’s fine… I wish I could go visit her like Lily’s friends could go visit her. Friendship is a fickle thing, listeners. The mayor has concluded the trial by yelling at the sky and screaming obscenities at the losers.
Stay tuned for the sound of muffins screaming as they bake and goodnight Ponyville… goodnight."
