Even Alicorns Roll Ones

Chapters

Chapter 2 [CMaDA]
Chapter 3 [Celestia's School for Engineers] (Professor Pie chapter)
Chapter 4 [CSFGU]
Epilogue
Chapter 1 [Culinary Arts]

Chapter 2 [CMaDA]

Celestia walked to the next academy on her agenda, Canterlot Music and Dance Academy, which was situated between her magic school, and Celestia's School of Engineering. Was technically a part of a group of schools. Since not only was paid for by the crown, but her school for unicorns shared courses with it.

While trotting the three miles to there she thought she'd give her sister a little update, and ask a very important question. After all it wasn't like Luna never dropped her letters, complaints, or random musings when she herself held court.

"Dearest Woona,

Hi Lulu, I thought I'd send you a letter to let you know about my day so far. I learned that I am woefully behind the times. I have no idea when a Saccharine Aide was created, but they are indispensable and we should create such a position post haste. Although the poor dean needs something for his nerves, the poor colt practically stumbled over his words asking for one.

But with how elegantly she performed her task I don't blame him for being wary of parting with her even for a single class. And we don't want to be behind the other nations. What if they are all laughing at us right now for not knowing of such an massively important position.

Oh! Lulu! The teacher said that making sauce was as easy as 'rubbing one off' ... what does that mean? She said Twilight would know. But with your forays into the dreams and lives of our ponies surely you must know.

-Love Tia."

Her reply came to her within mere moments, much faster than she thought it would take. Celestia beamed in pride of her sister's dedication to the job. As well as her prompt action. That pride dimmed when she saw the letter. Which consisted of four hooves of 'Mwahahaha' followed by.

"Sister you slay me. I think the dean was asking for a sacrifice before changing it up to 'an aide'. As for ‘the rubbing one off’. Yes! For the love of our mother! Please, please ask Twilight! I know she would be happy to tell you all about it.

Love you too,

-Luna, The Destroyer of a Thousand Dust Bunnies and the Thing That Hides Under the Bed"

Celestia blushed at the title she had given Luna when she was much younger. Sure it was a mouthful, but her sister's bravery for beating up the Boogey Mare and the army of evil Dust Bunnies who were plotting to steal her birthday cake, needed an appropriate gift. Nothing screamed best gift ever, than a noble title.

So again she sent the letter she had sent to Luna to Twilight instead. Even adding a little bit on how she was taking a few classes today to further her own scholastic pursuits, Now that Twilight's a princess, I can't wait to spend more time with her. We've been growing apart for some time now, and now I have something new to share with her.

Celestia felt more than saw the explosion happen in Ponyville, followed shortly by a letter. "Are you serious?"

"Yes, since when have I ever not been serious with you?"

"Well you're usually serious, other than when you're pranking. So are you seriously serious?"

Celestia frowned at that, "Twilight, you know more than anypony I don't take learning things lightly. So tell me! Luna and the school laughed when I asked that. Both recommended I ask you. Also Spike shall gain the new position of First Saccharine Aide. He has been utterly irreplaceable to both of us, and in this new position I deem him perfect for the position (still serving both of us of course)."

Celestia almost go to CMaDA when she received her reply. "Alright ... I'll have everything ready to tell you all about it ... but I need to know. When you yelled earlier ... were you thinking of me?"

Celestia could almost see the hopeful look in her students eyes when she wrote that last bit. It warmed her heart to think that Twilight would want to know if she was thinking of her student ... ex-student, when learning something new." Twilight you're never far from my mind, especially now that I get to feel the same joy of learning that you exhibited when I taught you."

As she entered the door she received one last letter, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! You're going to like the lesson I have planned for you then. Come later tonight.

-Twilight

PS: This is Spike here, Twilight was in her room for awhile, and when she walked out she was all glowy and smelled like lavender and peaches. Whatever your letter said she looks really happy ____ now she's going on about giving you a special lesson tonight. Well as long as I get a break. I promised Applejack to help her later today.

P.PS: Thanks for making Twilight happy, and helping me get over Rares. She's a great mare, but her and Rainbow Dash are pretty cute together.

P.P.PS: Can you bring over some emeralds? I'm running low and Rares isn't going to be doing a gem run for a few weeks."

Celestia let out the most adorable filly like squeal of happiness. She could see Twilight doing her little yes dance, and it was all because she got to teach Celestia something for once. As for Spike, it was difficult getting a dragon to let go, but with her and Luna's help. She was happy that he was moving on, while maintaining his friendships. Especially the new one with Applejack.

Whereas the Culinary Arts building was order in it's purest sense. This one seemed to be orderly chaos. With various groups of young scholars milling about one another. Different genre's of music flowing through the hallways. Adding the voices of the ponies milling about. Celestia closed her eyes, and drunk in the atmosphere, to think that all of these ponies would someday make a name for themselves in the musical world. And here they were, their differences merging together to make something as transient as it was beautiful.

"Heya Princess! How's it hangin'?" A young colt asked, his mane done in what did they call them? Dreadlocks?

"Beg your pardon?" Celestia asked.

"How's it hangin'?" He repeated.

"Umm ... what is this hangin' you speak of?" Celestia asked her brow scrunched up in confusion.

"It means what's up," he explained with a cheesy grin.

"Oh! I'm hear to partake a class or two in this most esteemed of schools. It's to ... catch up on things I might have missed over the centuries," Celestia grinned.

"Sweet," he replied. Celestia wondered why his eyes were glazed and bloodshot, but waved it off as studying hard. Although she did feel slightly bad for the youth, after all not even Twilight looked that bad. But he did seem rather happy.

"Very much so. By the way, what cologne is that you're wearing? It's quite fragrant, do they make it for mares as well?" Celestia inquired.

"Of course! Um ... you know what cannabis is right?" He asked.

"Of course. I was there when the Mexicolt traders introduced it to Equestria. Oh, so that's the smell. Well as long as you're happy, and don't slack off on your studies, I've never seen any problem with it," Celestia said with a saintly grin on her muzzle.

"Cool, hey you don't want some do you? It really helps relax a pony and helps with studying."

"Really. I'm an almost straight A student. The only B I have is because I don't really like music history."

"But a good foundation is necessary to create strong art. I recently learned that this morning," Celestia piped.

"Seriously? Well I guess I could do better. Anyways, whatcha say? Want some?"

"Thank you, but no. I couldn't possibly part you with something that is helping in your scholastic endeavors."

"Cool. Well the Dean's Office is down the hall to your left. Can't miss it. See ya Princess."

And with that he was off. Well that seems to explain his eyes, I never really saw the appeal of cannabis. But my mages said that it was safe, and had good properties when imbibed in moderation. I might have to see Twilight's thoughts on the matter. We might get to experiment together. That'll be so fun!

Celestia skipped down the halls. Her wings occasionally giving a happy flutter as she made her way to the Dean's Office. Today shall be the best day ever!

But before she could make it she heard a rather strange song coming from Parodies 204. Straining her ears she heard, "What if Celestia smoked cannabis, hit a bong like some of us, drove a tie dye caravan and subscribed to Rolling Stone."

Celestia opened the door and asked, "Sorry for interrupting the song, but what are you singing?"

"Cadance's Holy Bong! It's Princess Celestia!" A bright neon purple earth pony mare screamed.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, but who was singing that song?" Celestia asked, her body radiating acceptance and grace.

"Sorry Princess Celestia, I didn't know you were coming here. At least the teachers didn't say anything."

"Oh, it's no offense my little pony. I encourage all my subjects to feel free to express themselves. I just couldn't help but overhear your beautiful voice singing a song about me smoking cannabis. And was wondering if it was a new song, or something that has existed already?" Celestia asked.

"I ... I ... made it up for my homework. It's a parody of 'What if Celestia Was One of Us?', by Cheerful Moor. You aren't offended?" The young mare asked.

"Of course not, although I shall request that you send a recording to the castle so that I may hear the finished version at my leisure. On second thought, I shall send an invitation to this class so that not only you, but the rest of the students here may also submit a parody of their choosing, and if it becomes popular enough to become a part of the Canterlot Gift Shop, you shall all earn money for royalties as well as chunk donated to the school."

"Really!" All the ponies yelled excitedly.

"But of course."

A portly, jolly looking unicorn mare. Who looked surprisingly like Mrs. Santa Hooves, waddled over to Celestia, "Thank you so much Princess. Although I wonder, what brings you over to the school today?"

"Simple, my sister has brought it up to my attention that I am out of touch with my studies. Even though I help run so many schools. So I thought I'd drop by and try a class or two in each of them," Celestia's grin was one that'd put Pinkie Pie's biggest grin to shame.

"Oh! So that's what you ... yelled enthusiastically about?" The teacher ventured.

"Yes, it was my first class I had partook in for ... about five hundred years. Give or take two millennia."

"That's wonderful, it always brings a grin to a teachers face to see a student who's enthusiastic about learning. Say, why don't you have a hoof and try playing us something?"

"Well ... that's to say ... I am a bit rusty. I don't think I could quite match your students finer touch," Celestia replied nervously.

"Non-sense. I'm sure you aren't that rusty."

Looking about she spotted a piano, "Well I did play a few instruments ages ago. Hopefully it's something that I can just pick up."

So with that Celestia looked at the keys before her. This is much different than when they were first made. I remember you had to lay on your sides and stretch most uncomfortably for all four hooves to be used. This looks so much simpler.

Celestia tried pressing a few keys with her forehooves, and let loose a giggle. Before banging away at the keys randomly. It sounded amusing to her, but she was surprised when a flash erupted in the room with a bewildered Discord standing in the center, "Who called?" He inquired.

"Discord! What are you doing here?" Celestia admonished. Prepared for whatever chaos he might bring to this hallowed place of learning.

"Oh it was you Sunbutt! I was wondering who had my number, I hadn't given it out for eons."

"Your number?"

"Yes, my number. There I was laughing with Pinkie Pie at the sound of your ... lovely voice earlier today while she took refresher courses a few schools away. When out of the blue I heard someone call me up. So what can I do for you this day?" He asked with a sardonic bow.

"Well nothing, I was just playing music ... or trying too."

"Oh this is brilliant! I must watch more. Although you might want to be careful, a few cords lower and you would have summoned Pore-Nose, the Elder One of Dirty Things. Last time she visited, I was born ... and the pre-Discordian Love Renaissance."

"Was she your ... mother?" Celestia inquired. She knew more than anymortal that Elder One's had genders best considered unidentifiable, at worst, a plethora of genders.

"No, No, No. She just created the environment for two totally different aspects of reality to get together in the old fashioned sense," Discord quipped.

Celestia got away from the piano, and looked around. What instrument can I wield that won't accidentally summon a deity beyond mortal comprehension to give birth to another Discord ... hmmm! A a violin! I hadn't played on of those in centuries. Not since Misty Heartstrings and I were an item, she carried so many of my foals. It was surprising she was a unicorn and not an Earth Pony. The stamina in that one.

Celestia picked up the instrument in her magic. And quickly forgot everything about how to use it. It can't turn out that bad. After all, it is a beautiful instrument.

The sound of tortured screams, stepped on cats, and unending suffering erupted from the strings. Everypony but Celestia, and the non-pony in the room cringed at the sound. But Celestia was no quitter. She just tried harder.

The room darkened, the walls bled tar, and echoing wails resounded through the walls. And out of the tar came out an old friend of Celestia's, "Jessie!"

His 6 mouths worked themselves into a grin, and his draconequus like mismatch of body parts writhed happily, "Silly Tia, what's shaking?" His six mouths sang in an oddly happy dirge.

"Nothing much, what brings you here, our poker game isn't till next week?"

"I was about to crack open a few cold ones, when I heard someone play my happy birthday song. I didn't know you remembered my birthday. After all in non-euclidean time space or calendars rarely intersect."

The ponies in the room looking at Celestia conversing with a fell god from the frayed edges of non reality were stuck between wanting to hurl, and beg forgiveness for whatever twist of karma brought him into the world of the living.

Celestia on the other hoof was oblivious as she greeted her friend, "sorry. I was trying to play the violin. I promise when you stop by next I'll have a nice little gift for you. By the way thank you for the cake last year it was delicious. Unfortunately I don't know any cook who can do the recipe without going insane."

"Well I got to go then. Those casks won't empty themselves."

After he left, the teacher looked at her and said, "Maybe it'd be safer for you to stop playing things until you can do it without threatening all existence?"

"That'd probably be best."

Twenty minutes later, and a lot of apologizing about playing Stalliongrad Roulette with the accidental musical summoning of the end times. She was finally at the next class, far away from the Music Wing. Expressive Dance 101.

The teacher was a unicorn stallion who was built like a mountain. Made of muscle, and Celestia wondered how such an ... abundantly muscled stallion could be a dance instructor. Peaking at his haunches she saw the most subverting Cutie Mark since the time she saw an advisor named Sharp Wit whose Cutie Mark was a trio of Z's. The dance teacher's was equally backwards, a pair of dance horseshoes with wings.

"Well hello princess," he boomed pleasantly.

"Hello Mr..."

"Twinkle Hooves."

"Mr. Twinkle Hooves."

"So you're taking a crash course in expressive dance?" His deep voice while having a deep, rumbling baritone. Held a surprisingly gentle and joyful quality to it.

Taking into account the room's acoustics, and not wanting to deafen another classroom, her enthusiastic affirmation was kept several decibels beneath the Royal Canterlot Voice.

"Good to hear. Now stand in the group over there while we start. Now since we have new blood, I'll start off with the beginning speech. Dance is easy, everypony can dance. But here we strip away the rigid forms and structure of traditional dance. Even though those classes are helpful and have their uses.

"But here we lean not steps, but how to feel the music move through you. Whether you bounce, jiggle, shake, pivot. There are no right or wrong steps. Even if you stand still and move your head, or tap a hoof to the beat. It's all dancing, so let your bodies move, and most of all have fun."

Now Celestia knew over the generations she had packed on a few pounds here or there. But she was a very healthy eater. Centuries ago she paid the castle nutritionist to agree that cakes, and cookies since they had eggs, grain flour, and milk were a balanced meal. As long as fruit, or some type of vegetation was involved somewhere along the meal. The last part was something the nutritionist wouldn't budge on. Thankfully tea, coffee, and cocoa came from trees thus totally counted.

Then when the whole colored greens thing was trying to be pushed as healthy. Celestia made sure that at least in two meals, she had green icing, coloring, or food dye somewhere in her meals so they would be colored green. So she knew she was a healthy eater.

So it was as a surprise when ten minutes into class the room was obliterated. All she did was shake her hips, hop a few times, and do a little wiggle. And her actions made the room look like a bomb went off ... or Luna had snored there. Yes that must be it. Luna's snoring traveled into the room while I was dancing. Bad Luna sleeping on the job.

"Princess, I mean no disrespect, but it looked like you were having a seizure. And you're weight ... well combined it makes you the most dangerous dancer in Equestria. You might want to look into a diet, or training somewhere that's reinforced to withstand earthquakes." Twinkle Hooves sadly told the Princess.

I'm not fat! If you can't trust a doctor to give you the answer you want. Who can you trust. I'll just ask Luna, she was the Element of Honesty. She'll tell me I'm not fat, and I can go to buying alicorn strength rooms. Like I have. Well I learned things here as well. I hope it goes well.

Author's Note

So for the most part. Last chapter was low brow, situational comedy satirizing Twilight's inability to cook. This one was mostly supposed to be situationally random, with a bit of slap stick. Poking fun of Twilight's inability to dance, or play instruments (although that mare can sing ... or at least carry a tune verbally). This was one of my more favorite chapters. Next chapter was honestly my most favorite to do.

I love the idea of Celestia and Luna having pet titles for each other. That are totally legitimate if not slightly nonsensical. And every once and a while they whip it out in public. To see how long / many titles can be said without someone bursting into laughter, or simply to troll a foreign nation. Especially those who think the more titles one legitimately holds the better they are.

Next Chapter comes out in three days. Celestia goes to Celestia's Academy of Engineers. And I love the last paragraph of this fic. And playing with the sisterly banter at the beginning. It's always fun to do them together. Regardless of what they're doing, they can make it fun. And Twilight's bit here made me crack a grin, "Did you think of me?" The funny bit is Celestia throughout this fic, is totally clueless, til the end. She has no idea what the saying means, nor of what Twilight is talking about.

Anyways. Hope you all liked this chapter, next one is totally clean humor. Albeit, minus the Celestia worried about Regal-sororicide, and sends in the mecha building hobbits to Castle Doom. To destroy the Moon Pie in the belly of where it was once forged. 90% of that spoiled bit is false. 9.% is exaggerated. .9% is true. The extra .1% is frosting ... but what flavor?

___________________
Punned Name List:

Fair Moor: This ponification was a bit of work, but I think is fitting for Alanis Morissette: Alanis = female variant of Alan. Alan = Fair/ Handsome/ Noble. Morissette = French personal petname for Maurice, which is from Morris, which means Moor / Marsh / Fen. I ended up picking moor. Since Marsh sounds rather haggy, and like she'd be covered in warts or something. And I don't know anyone who uses the word fen.

So Fair Moor, is a pony Alanis Morissette, in the purest definition. While still sounding feminine.
_______________

PS: Yes. In this fic, I shipped Spike with AJ ... That dragon has never landed with AJ. Even though there's fics with him with the rest of her siblings (well Big Mac turned into mare still counts right?). Thought it'd be interesting.

Chapter 3 [Celestia's School for Engineers] (Professor Pie chapter)

The first things Celestia did after leaving was go to the campus's cafeteria. It had been awhile since she had eaten simple fair without much aplomb, additions, or unnecessary hoof kissing. Not that she didn't like her little ponies being happy, but being stressed was different than joy.

But here in her capital, in one of the schools she funded. She was able to enjoy seven cakes, three wedges of fudge, what looked like carrot she had generously slathered with icing, and a ten shot macchiato, double espresso, choco-hazelnut coffee, with a small mint leaf to add some green to her meal.

"Luna, I implore you as the once holder for the Element of Honesty to answer a question, but remember. I'm feeling quite down and your sister, so please remember you were also once Loyalty and Laughter.

I'm not fat am I? After an accident anypony could make, and accidentally destroying a classroom, and most of the dance wing, while dancing. I was told that my royal self should go on a diet, or at least get lessons in a room capable of handling earthquakes.

I am eager for your reply.

-Celestia, the Plushie Flufflekins"

Celestia hoped that using Luna's old nickname for when she was younger and much more physically affectionate. Prone to snuggles, cuddles, and huggling her sister. That Luna would agree that she was in no way shape or form fat. Much less needing to go on the dreaded D word.

"Of course your not fat sister. In our time a mare was supposed to have ample cushioning on her haunches and a bit of plush pudge on her belly. It showed that she was able to bear many young, wealthy enough to stay well fed, and the bearings of a good wife. Regardless of if she ended up with another mare or a stallion. Just as Stallions were required to have long luxurious beards, and or massive mustaches. It showed they had wealth, dedication, and you could easily tell the personality of any stallion by what they wore.

Sure, you're not thin as a model, but you are a healthy 1,820 pounds. You haven't even hit the ton mark yet. Hope that helps?

PS: You don't have to play the Element card Fluffers, I am your sister and I love you. Even if you'd be considered fat by modern time standards ... although a diet would do well for the sugar sweat. Not that I am complaining too much, but your throne is quite sticky, and smells of syrup."

Celestia felt her jaw drop. So she was fat, her own sister agreed to that. Sure she said that in her time she was a healthy weight. But the modern times were more enlightened then back then. A mare wasn't expected to bear many young, while also holding down a job, and supporting the family as the Boss Mare of the house. While the other mate did the house cleaning, offered physical protection from external threats, and all of the child raising.

Stallions were just as needed for working jobs any mare could do, facial accessories no longer determined wealth or status, and being thin was a sign of wealth and prosperity. But if Luna was honestly saying this was going to be her last 'real' meal. She'd go out with a bang.

Celestia woke up in a strange room, filled with strange ponies in labcoats, and was restrained to an examination table with various doodads sticking out of her. Somewhere between the tenth pot of espresso, fiftieth cake, and clearing out half of the campus' kitchens Celestia blacked out. And from the groaning in her distended belly, and the way her nerves felt more alive than ever before. It was worth it.

"Hello Princess Celestia, are you alright?"

"Mmmmm! Cake!" Celestia purred.

"I take that as a no," the nondescript doctor looking pony said.

"I mean, I'm good. Where am I and how did I get here?"

"Well you dear Princess, are in the Celestia's School of Engineers. As for how you got here, you blasted in through the ceiling of our Electronics Lab screaming and I quote, "Fear me! For I am a fluffy, pretty princess and all your cakes are belong to Us! And your coffee! Surrender them, or I shall gobble your homework!" End quote."

"Oh!"

"Then you farted a mist of condensed sugar and passed out. So we brought you to the infirmary until you could get whatever that was out of your system."

"Oh!" Celestia repeated. A furious blush gracing her face.

"It's not that bad, the sugar solidified into a 3 dimensional representation of a crystal matrix, which the students are finding enlightening. And we were able to access your physical health. Now ... I'm sure your doctors are amazing ... and in no way bought off. But you do know you're over six hundred pounds overweight, and your blood is twenty percent syrup by volume?"

"I was vaguely aware?" Celestia admitted feeling bad for all the malpractice doctors she hired and paid generously to overlook certain things.

"How are you not diabetic, or dead?" He asked exasperatedly.

"Easy, I'm a goddess. Tied to the sun. And tons and tons of magic. As in enough to level a planet, to ensure I'm able to handle my sugar."

"Well that explains several things. Well now that you're alright, we can let you go, and let your physician know about your health needs."

"But I eat colored greens every day! That's healthy!" Celestia said.

"As in colored green, or as in green vegetables?"

"I partake in green 'vegetation', and food colored green counts."

"Light roasted coffee, mint leaves, and tea don't count as vegetables. Also coloring food green doesn't count as eating actual vegetables."

"Well they should, and veggies are icky ... I think I'm allergic to them ... and what would happen if I had an allergy attack from the vegetables attacking my sugar levels?" Celestia pouted.

"We'll let your doctors handle it. For now we can see you off if you're feeling up to it?"

"I'm fine. But I was going to come here for a different reason."

"Hmmm?"

"I'm going to take a class or two today!" Celestia exclaimed teleporting to the infirmary doctor. Something that after much debate Celestia had granted, what with all the damages they incurred, dangerousness of the equipment, and chance of maiming. And she was glad she did. It would've been embarrassing if she ended up in a normal hospital and Luna got wind of this.

A letter popped up in front of her, Speak of the draconequus. Let's see here ... 'everypony's talking about it' ... 'I'll use this ammo for centuries' ... 'accidentally blew up the school and Luna is letting them use the castle for classes' ... 'Luna's now best princesses for the musicians and dancers who told her everything' ... 'is firing my doctors and replacing them with her own personally chosen staff' ... 'setting me on a diet as soon as I get home and is telling Twilight all about this.'

Celestia let the note drop as she fainted. As was completely reasonable for any mare in her situation.

The academy faced with the choice of letting Celestia learn, or accidentally destroying something weighed heavily on the minds of the faculty. But thankfully Pinkie Pie came in to save the day. By being her assistant and taking her to some of her classes. With the protection of a tenured professor, as a side job, and an Element of Harmony to boot. They saw no problems with letting Celestia in.

"So Pinkie Pie, what do you do here?" Celestia asked.

"Well, I have a doctorate in Experimental, and Applied Theoretical Mechanics and Engineering."

"Really?" Celestia replied thoroughly impressed.

"Yep, how else do you think I could both afford to build, and build all my inventions?" Pinkie Pie asked with a cake eating grin.

"Well ... I thought it simply just appeared to be quite honest."

"You silly filly, everything needs to come from something, even if it's restructured quanta or spirit particles compressed into to three dimensional time space."

"Oh! I knew that," Celestia mumbled.

"Yep, everything from cakes, to cupcakes, to plutonium powered time travel devices need to come from somewhere before they are those things. So I'll let you sit in on my next class. We'll be creating lasers today. Won't that be fun!"

"Oh! I can make lasers! I created the first one with a chunk of the sun two millennia ago. Of course it made the Badlands, but still totally counts!"

"Sun Laser!" Pinkie gasped in what Celestia thought was beyond the limits of an Equines lung capacity. Save her sister, or Blue Blood when he was feeling particularly needy, "We are so going to do that! Although we'll need to shoot it into space first! Then we can demand that you finally pro... Ooops!"

"Finally what?" Celestia asked bemusedly.

"I'm not supposed to say," Pinkie said.

"Did you Pinkie Promise?"

"No."

"And we are friends right?" Celestia asked.

"Yep!"

"So you can tell me."

"Okay. So, for the last ten years we made things that would have revolutionized Equestria, but the patent pony who represents you said that you said that the technology was too much on a strain on Equestria's economy. So making things that cheap wasn't feasible. But the end costs for what has been accepted is only used by the rich, or nobles.

"Or very prestigious scientists. So we are pretty miffed. I mean I was hoping to get Mr. and Mrs. Cake a TV for the twins to watch, or a phone to have. But we can't do that legally yet. Some of us were thinking of using our inventions to get you or Luna to agree with Twilight to get the tech released for public use." Pinkie Pie said in a rather long and anecdotal manner.

"Hmmm ... and what if this is my first time hearing this," Celestia asked.

"But why would somepony you appointed who's a family member of the aristocracy, and is probably making millions off of our toils, lie about making sure you see technology that's put the common pony on equal technological ground with the aristocrats, and the insanely wealthy?

"It's not like the wealthy are purposefully blocking the grants and scholarships that would allow anypony of skill to join your academies rather than those who can afford the crippling intuition cost, or the exuberantly expensive cost to stay here, at least if it wasn't for this academy and the Culinary Academy paying out of their own pockets to get the underprivileged in to our schools," Pinkie asked. Completely missing her own point.

"Well I'll still help make the laser, but then I have thinking to do. But what of you. How'd you get in here?"

"That's simple my family's rock farmers. We literally grow money. I have a million bits in the bank myself, but bits aren't really that important. What's important in making other ponies happy. Even if that means I donate non-tax deductible bits to the school."

"Non-tax deducted?"

"Well I could, but then it wouldn't be from the heart. At least that's what Rarity said during one of our charity runs," Pinkie said bouncing along merrily.

"Rarity said that?" Celestia asked flummoxed.

"Yepperoni! That and I don't care about getting tax deductions. I mean seriously I'd be even richer if I did. What with the parties, and the charities, and the random things I do for ponies who need a smile. Like chemo-kids, the homeless, or even those grouchy accountants at the Equestrian Revenue Service.

“Even the anonymous donations to Fluttershy so she can run her animal shelter." Pinkie listed.

"So ... you like Fluttershy?" Celestia asked.

"Of course I love all my friends," Pinkie replied obliviously, "Although does it make me a bad pony that I love my BPFFEoHSHG more?"

"What's the BPFF ... thingie?"

"Best Pony Friends Forever Elements of Harmony Super Heroes Go! of course," Pinkie explained.

"Of course. And no it doesn't make you bad. So do you love Fluttershy more than the others?"

"Not really. I mean they are special to me. So I see them all as special someponies. Although I don't have a special-special somepony, But that'll happen someday. Well here we are," Pinkie said.

Celestia was surprised at not only how much she learned about how her schools functioned. But more about a pony normally seen as merely random. If not totally oblivious to some things, What'd be like to have her naivety sometimes.

"Alright! Now we got everything set up, and our special guest Princess Celestia is going to show how to turn this Death Ray into a Sun Laser! Whoohoo!" Pinkie shouted.

The class burst into applause, and screams of approval. While Celestia didn't like the name Death Ray, the two story structure, with its massive arrays, technological thingymajigs, and a gargantuan lenses and mirror set up made it an almost fitting name. Celestia would have prefered "Friendship Cannon" but alas she respected the objects creators enough to name it as they would.

Although she didn't know why 'Mad Science 501' would have need for a Death Ray, nor the Closet of Holding storing all the Mechas she saw. Although Pinkie Pie was rather deflective on what a Mecha was. Or why the steampunk as she was told they were called, golems, had wooden boxes in them that a pony would fit inside. Weren't golems supposed to be autonomous?

Alas such musings were cut short when Celestia started the spell to solidify the parts of a sun to make her laser. Drawing upon the sun, she took a small speck of it, and forced it into Equestria, while compressing it so hard it turned from a gas to a liquid, then solidified it into a crystal. All the while redundantly collapsing the radiation into the crystal to prevent killing or neutering everything in a hundred mile radius of non-alicorn, draconequus, or dragon origins.

When it was finished a glowing orange crystal the size of Celestia's head was placed in the device. As she put it in, she saw the crystal's power accidentally bend a few arrays and knock the focusing lens out of place, oh well. What's a few centimeters, and a few knocked out components matter. It's not like a train with a loose oven thingie won't run, or a loose pin here or there won't function. It's perfectly safe ... although I really don't know much about trains. All technology has redundant unneeded things in it.

"Now let's let our guest start it up. Although Princess Celestia, can you do that remote window, viewy thing Twilight uses to watch you shower? Or stargaze in the middle of the day?"

"What was the first one?" Celestia gushed.

"Twilight watches you shower. It makes her do funny things in her alone time, but I watch her sometimes when I have nothing better to do. It's almost as good as watching TV, or Rares and Dashie when they're wrestling, or Flutters when she's doing her funny stretches."

"I ... I don't know what to say to that," Celestia admitted caught between feeling hot and bothered, and slightly annoyed that Twilight was beating Celestia at the game she invented with her telescope.

"Pst! Don't worry about it, Professor Pie is too innocent to know what that stuff means, and we're all bound by the Pinkie Promise not to talk about what happens in here without permission from her and anyone she talks about first. Now that we'd have to. She's like the most awesome teacher ever ... it sucks she isn't a Princess. No offense princess," a young stallion whispered to her as Pinkie went on about the various weird things she saw that day.

Whispering back, "Thank you, and I've figured as much listening to her on a personal level," before turning to Pinkie Pie. "Yes I can give that window viewing thing. And thank you for letting me fire it up as it were."

Now it should be said, that Celestia while funding these schools, hadn't been to school herself in centuries. And didn't really get modern technology. As well as was unprepared to what technology, and alicorn magic did to each other when used haphazardly.

As the Beam shot out, the lens wobbled and the arrays bent it at the end causing the beam to curve. Right into Luna's Moon. Celestia shaking the device screaming at it to stop, wasn't helping. Rather instead it moved the beam around at random. Shaking and bobbing, and overall doodling, until Pinkie Pie cut the power. But then it was too late.

A giant picture of a laughing Celestia was burnt into the moons surface, and in elegant, flowery cursive, spot on to Celestia's normal hoof writing right beneath it was "Dietz R Bad! Tia Rulez! lol! lol! lol!"

"Oh my holy mother! Luna's going to devour my candy flavored soul! There's no way she'll think this was an accident!" Celestia moaned in existential agony.

"But we can all tell her it was an accident and what really happened," Pinkie said, with the rest of her students yelling in agreement.

"Thank you all! I'll be forever in your debt if Luna doesn't kill me before I find out a way to make it up to you," Celestia cried.

"Just leave it to us! Oh, although you might want to write a letter to her explaining everything. So she knows you really sent us."

Celestia just nodded. While she told Luna about everything she learned about the misappropriation of funds, the upper class screwing over Equestria like a two bit Prench whorse on a monday. As well as her kerfluffle that resulted in her sister remembering that she loves her, and won't dance in her entrails, or devour her soul, or use her for target practice with her shooting stars. Or worse! Eternal Diets!

With the note made she went to her almost last refuge. The one place noone could touch her. CSFGU.

Author's Note

Last two chapter this Saturday! [CSFGU and an Epilogue]

OMC! I loved writing this chapter so much. It's one of my more favorite ones. I personally find it funny that Pinkie Pie has shown in the show tremendous amounts of engineering know how, and gets the Smart Ball fairly often.

As for Boss Mare. That's actually a thing in equine society. The Alpha Mare guides all manner of a herd, does all the important duties, and is basically the ruler. While the stallions give protection from predators and other stallions (on Earth). So basically think flipped gender roles for humans, and that's what I basically used.

But yeah, the nobles in this fic are purely for laughs, screwing over the poor so they can keep all the goodies. That otherwise would be cheaply created and affordable to the poor. I used 8 bit theaters Elfs, and a flanderization of negative rich people sterotypes for them.

And the idea of Engineers making Wood and Steel Mechas and Death Rays to overthrow the government to give better education and fair treatment to all ponies sounds both ridiculously awesome, and fantastically insane. Also does anyone but me think that Pinkie Pie would be the greatest Professor of all time?)

Punned Name List:

Max Plank: Max Planck [physicist]

Bright Pen: Albert = Bright; Einstein = To surround or enclose with stone. Traditional Pens (Dry stone pens) were made with stone and surround / enclose things.

I thought Bright Pen for Albert Einstein truly fits the ponies naming themes. And is a rather witty ponification.

[Side not for those interested:] Plack-Einstein Relation is a real mathematical formula. [E=hv]

Chapter 4 [CSFGU]

Celestia wasn’t one to take unnecessary chances, and she’d rather face all her ancient adversaries at one time than the wrath of an enraged Luna. So being the wise ruler she was she decided to teleport to the back of CSFGU. To be honest she hadn’t so much as stepped foot there after its creation, but how bad could things be? It’s not like any other catastrophes could pop up in the second safest place in Equestria … figuratively speaking.

The first thing she noticed was a thick rope cordoning off a portion of ground before her stretching the entire campus backyard, with only a few square yards between it and the entrance she so desperately sought. Looking at the immaculate green grass, the same as the type beneath her feet, and only sensing a glamour in the area. She decided to risk it.

She would fly, but with all the excitement earlier today, and how rare she used her wings. They were particularly sore. So trotted she did. I wonder why my hooves feel something rather squishy and unpleasant beneath them? But that was to be answered at a later time. For now, she trodded through the squishy grass to her freedom.

As she exited, she noticed the glamour, whatever it was, was still stuck to her hooves, and the squishy feeling persisted. Shaking her head at what she imagined as a lesson on following rules ignored it. After all it wasn’t like the glamour was dangerous, just mildly annoying. Like listening to nobles whine about how they couldn’t tear down an orphanage to build a private swimming pool filled with wine and orphan tears.

Seriously the things she had to listen to for the sake of her nation. At least the nobles weren’t as bad as the gryphons, posturing and posing, before declaring war on air for ruffling their jimmies. Or other races when their food was overcooked, undercooked, or looked funny. Or that one time they waged war on the sea because it was wet. Then she needed to step in, and kindly show why the gryphons should relax. Usually via casting Meteor at ‘Meteor Lake’, or as they said in Gryphoni, ‘Oh verdammt! Töte uns nicht!’. Named do to the fact that the lake was formed, and grows every time Celestia needed to calm the gryphons down via meteoric means.

The first place Celestia needed to visit was the little fillies room. She hadn’t had a chance to do anything since she left for school, and the binge eating as well as downing enough caffeine to kill a small nation, didn’t do any favors for her digestive tract. Opening the door, she wished she hadn’t.

A weird purple, pulsating, what she guessed was fungus, covered most of the walls. Strange arcane stars gave light to the room in strange, creepy shifting hues. That highlighted the many spell burn marks in the room. Worst of all was the smell. It was the smell that would even revulse her Uncle Mortis. For not even death would willing step into a place so vile.

Just then a young mare cantered in wearing a strange mask, “Princess Celestia!” She squeaked adorably. Her body stuck between wanting to bow, and not wanting to get anywhere nearer to the floor as necessary.

Celestia tried saying not to worry, but the smell, caused her to repeatedly dry heave when she spoke. The young mare though, a bright looking, amethyst coated mare with deep blue eyes, whipped out a mask and placed it over Celestia face.

Instantly the smell was gone. Celestia rejoicefully sucked in as much air as she could, “Don’t worry about bowing. Although I must ask … what manner of horrors is this place? Why hasn’t a janitor prevented such madness?”

“Well when the castle refused to pay extra for ‘Arcane Horrors’ insurance, they said they weren’t being paid enough to deal with the horrors and depravity that are the students bathrooms. And well, the moss, lights, and any ‘creatures’ you see here are fourth years rushing to do their homework, and well … spells, potions, what have you interact. Second years are what causes the burn marks … as well as first years. Before using any toilet give it a small buck to make sure nothing’s living in there.”

“What of the third years?”

“Well you see each year has a way of dealing with these places, and it’s a good way to exercise magic. First years use a bubble shield, second years use these masks, but third years try teleporting their stuff out of their bowels into the cordoned off area out back …”

“Wait! The glamored, nice looking grass area?”

“Yes?” She asked.

Celestia ignored the warning about bucking the toilet and went to heave into the nearest abode available. Staring face to face with a ‘thing’ with too many eyes, random tentacles forming from it, and looked like the larva of the more darker Elder Ones. Celestia’s regurgitation was impressive. Even for an alicorn.

Thankfully the young mare gave her a sympathetic look, from a safe distance, and asked tactfully, “You’ve only been to the faculty bathrooms haven’t you?”

“Whargarble!”

“I’ll take that as a yes … and you never saw the back classes? Or told about the brown box?”

“Whaaahaaagurgle!” Celestia vomit moaned.

“Poor, poor princess! Don’t worry, the moss while semi-toxic to eat, smells horrible, and will make you glow in the dark for weeks. Can clean anything! Other than potion stains. Those make it angry.”

The mare whipped off a strip of the miracle, weaponized moss, and gave Celestia a scrub down, “And do yourself a favor and don’t peek inside the colts bathrooms … I heard horror stories about that place.”

Celestia nodded, as she gave the toilet a mighty flush. “Thank you most kindly for the assistance. I thought I had seen every horror, and nightmare imaginable until I saw this room!”

“Awww! It grows on you to be honest, and it does give rise to interesting theses and learning. Although it’d be nice to get it fixed up or have the faculty’s bathroom the same as ours.”

“We shall see. Now I have some very important business to attend to,” moving to the next stall she gave it slight thwack and closed the stall, “By the way what’s your name?”

“Changeling Foreign Exchange Student, Snuffles.”

“We have a foreign exchange student program with Changelings?”

“Of course, how else do you explain all the copies of ponies running around?”

“Oh! Well Snuffles. You have been a great help this day, if you ever need anything visit the castle, or tell Cadance I sent you her way. She’s a very loving pony, and the crystal heart gives off love like noponies business.”

And with that Celestia let loose … unfortunately she failed to take into account her royal girth, the fact she ate her weight in food, or that mortal toilets were never made to contain the things that can pop out of an alicorns plot.

Several applications of moss later. A cleaning spell, and a revivification of Snuffles. She was at the Dean’s Office. Smelling of lemons, and glowing as if she had dunk herself in the chemical waste vats that gave superheroes their powers in most of those comics Spike had her read to him when he was a little hatchling.

The day-glow princess walked into the Reception Area, and was greeted by two simultaneous shouts one from the direction of the Canterlot Castle, the other from the receptionist saying the exact same thing, “What the Fudge!”

“Oh no … Luna’s not happy if she used that swear word,” Celestia muttered, “oh hello, um … I went into the little fillies room in the back. You do know it violates several health codes, rules of nature, physics, and logic right?”

“Oh … we didn’t expect you to know about those. I’ll get the dean immediately.”

“That’d be nice, also if Luna asks, I’m not here. I … ran to Caketopia, and am on an important diplomatic mission in Cupcakeatoplis, until their battle with the evil dust bunnies are over. Do you think she’d buy that?”

“Ummm … possibly?” The receptionist answered what appeared to be a mentally unstable ruler from over exposure to horrors that shall-not-be-named.

“Good, I’d rather Luna not try her hoof at regal-sororicide today.”

“Why would she do that?”

“You’ll see tonight when you look at the moon. It was purely an accident, but Luna … sometimes needs her space until she can calm down sometimes.”

“Alright well … ummm … dean! Yes the dean can help you, or at least well … bye!” The receptionist ran as if the hounds of Tartarus were after her, and Celestia couldn’t blame her, getting between two deities in the middle of a sisterly dispute was something few mortals could withstand.

The dean after much talking, and ensuring that Luna would be given a more suitable lie, “Celestia flew into the sun and was hiding from her sisters wrath. Also the sun agrees that Celestia didn’t need a diet.” Celestia was given another saccharine aide. Although the pony itself kept wrapped up in a hooded cloak, face mask, and was wearing what Celestia suspected as armor.

“So why are you wearing those?” Celestia asked.

“Safety.”

“Are we really going to be doing such dangerous stuff?”

“Depends.”

“Do you only speak in one word sentences?”

“Sometimes.”

“Alright then. I guess an important pony such as yourself has the need for brevity.”

“Yup.”

Celestia sighed at the rather one sided conversation. It was like trying to talk to a smaller, androgynous, less muscular Big Mac that used a bigger vocabulary.

“May I ask your name?”

“Oneword.”

Celestia had to stop at that … how could anyone make the name one word sound like a compound word was beyond her. Or if it was a compound word how exactly that worked?

“Well Oneword, thank you for taking the time to help me out today. I know you must be busy.”

“Hmmm,” he hummed an affirmative with a slight nod of his hooded head.

Seeing that they were getting nowhere in the conversation department, she walked along in silence until they reached, a door that read, “Experimental Magic 444”.

Walking in she saw a group of unicorns with their teacher at the head, talking about what sounded to Celestia like how to go about summoning an infinite supply of food from the n-th dimension.

The teacher, a pony who looked very much like a unicorn Bright Pen. One of the greatest Earth Pony physicist to ever be born. Making numerous discoveries such as how mushroom clouds form from falling, high velocity ponies or objects. As well as his collaboration with Max Plank that defined physics and metaphysics as ponies knew it.

The teacher looked at her quizzically before stating, “Look everypony our special guest has arrived!”

Followed shortly by, “Oh Tia! Lovely sister of mine! I wish to speak to you about your little accident on my moon! Come out, come out wherever you are?”

“Oh Faustbro!” Celestia squeaked. Celestia let loose a powerful wave of magic shrinking her to the size of a mouse and teleported into the mane of Bright Pen 2.0, hiding from her wrathful sister.

“Ha! I foun .... I could have sworn on the holy flank of Faustbro that I detected my sisters magic here. Tell me my little ponies, have any of you seen my sister?” Luna asked.

When nopony admitted anything Luna said, “Well if you do see her, tell her that I accept her apology for the act. But I have talked Twilight and Cadance to vote on Celestia going on a diet. For the next decade.”

Celestia burst forth, “Lies! Twilight would never betray me so! Ummm … I mean hello, my gorgeous, and not remotely sororicidal sister,” Celestia sheepishly commented.

“Well hello sister dearest,” Luna deadpanned, “and Twilight did agree with me. Especially when I mentioned how easily you destroyed a ‘hallowed place of learning’, from overindulging in sweets, and your earthquake causing dancing … although Twilight already knew about that. She said you taught her how to dance … which explains a lot actually. Nonetheless, you destroying a school was enough for her to side with me.”

“I should have known!” Celestia cried.

“Although she said that her lesson, although it needs to be restructured to give proper ‘punishment’ whatever that means, will give you something sweet to eat later tonight, What lesson is that?”

“Oh she’s going to give me a lesson on what that word that makes everypony laugh at me means,” Celestia mumbled, “Well I can at least try to fix your moon. WITH MAGIC!”

The blast of Celestia’s enthusiasm exploded the room, and the subsequent teleports of five stories around, caused the school to lean to the left.

Celestia looked at her now unobstructed view, and cast the most simplest of spells. A Scrubbing Spell, used to wipe off chalk boards, clean toilets, scrub a dub, and even out ones mouth. There was an almost infinite application to a Scrubbing Spell, even a foal could use it.

Celestia knew that she needed to exponentially increase the power of the spell to get it to fix the surface. Her horn emitted six auras (rather than the normal one she was used to using, or the three that was the max for most unicorns) and started to get ready to release the spell. After the spell was cast Luna gasped in horror.

Celestia felt for the moon, and looked at her sister’s murderously twitching eye, “What did you do?”

“Well I did scrub the moon clean …”

“I see that. You scrubbed the moon, my moon out of existence. Fix it.”

“I don …”

“Fix it!”

“Mayb-”

“FIX IT TIA, OR I SWEAR ON OUR MOTHER I’LL COOK YOU ALIVE!”

“Isn’t that a tad excessive?” Celestia pleaded.

“You have till the count of four!” Luna roared.

So Celestia did the first thing she could think of and teleported Pluto and it’s twin moon into geosynchronous orbit. Which sent the twin crashing into the planet. But it landed in the dragon territories which no one cares about. Noone, but Spike’s mother who was on an epic quest to find Spike and beseech him with the rare Diamond of Fifty Free Wishes. That she wrested from a race of evil bunnies who were posed to take over the world with their dust bunny army. Now that Luna was no longer at full power.

The resulting explosion sent the diamond flying to a random part of the world. Where Spike’s birth mother would once again quest for it. Then give him the Dragon God King Spark she carried with her that would ascend her son to his rightful place as God King of Dragons. She sure hoped he didn’t have babies before she finished her quest.

As for Equestria. All they saw was a fiery mushroom cloud that melted every peice of all non-enchanted metal in all the hordes in the Dragon Hoard. turning almost all of them into infants (as they would learn during the ‘Great Waddle Invasion’ in a few months time.).

“Not funny Tia! Where’s my moon?”

“Okay! I can fix this!”

Celestia sent back Pluto and what was left of its’ moon. And focusing as hard as she could, cast a spell to bring her imagination to life. Where the moon normally stood was a cake the size of the moon. With gallops of frosting, that were whipping off of it. Celestia gulped, even though if she knew of the frosting floods that would cover the earth in two days time she would have done more.

“Tia, Sunbutt, I would like you to fix this now!” Luna wept angrily.

“Okay! This time I know I got it!”

Celestia sent the cake to the N-th Dimension. Where following the great floods of frosting, would burst forth from Spike’s mouth and cause much problems of a confectionary variety. Since size effects the time it takes for things sent to Spike to be made manifest enough to burst out.

Celestia did the smart thing. Knowing that scrubbing caused it. She would do the almighty Failsafe Spell. Thus returning her to a problem of a moon that was openly mocking Luna.

“Celestia …”

“Yes Woona?”

“Even if takes me all of my cunning, you will go back to kindergarden, and restart school. From the beginning,” Luna spoke in a tone that broke no negotiation, “And you will go until you can fix my moon perfectly.”

“Yes sissy,” Celesta gulped, “I … I think I shall go to Twilight’s.”

“Alright, I’ll inform her that you’ll be going to kindergarten there, and summer school for magic kindergarten here for the foreseeable future.”

Celestia just gulped and nodded. Hopefully going to Twilight’s would at least make her feel a little better. Especially if she could get Pinkie Pie and the other girls there.

Author's Note

Sweet Cakelestia! Sorry everypony. I had this written and edited the second the first chapter was uploaded. But stuff happened, and this fic totally spaced from my mind :twilightoops: .

So about this chapter. The bathroom scene was while low brow, a poke at a few stories where a bunch of unicorn students crammed together, end up having the bathrooms magical biohazards. And that I thought it'd be funny to have Celestia visit such a place (Where normally she goes to all the clean, safe, and not-crimes-against-nature parts of the school.).

Origin of Snuffles: Originally she was going to be an OC unicorn called Place Holder with a Special Talent in McGuffin Phelbotinum. But that sounded vaguely Mary Sueish, so a part of me thought of naming her instead Merry Sue, with the ability to "Sound like she knows what she's saying and doing." But that was lame.

So instead I said to myself, "Buck it, It'd be interesting to have a Changeling, Foreign Exchange Student. I'll name her Snuffles." I personally like Snuffles.
________________

Brain farted on the Bright Pen name last chapter, it was supposed to be here. XD.

Epilogue

Part 1: Celestia does a ‘smart’ thing

Celestia sat on a cloud outside of Ponyville. She was waiting for her reply on the letter she had sent Twilight just before coming to Ponyville. Detailing what she learned from and about Pinkie, and getting the girls together with their sisters, minus Applejack (whom she wanted to spend time with Spike, and would do something special for later).

Of course, she did word it in a way that would let Twilight know she knew she was being watched as she showered, and was alright with it. As well as if she did it then her newly found immortality might just become a lot less sad. After all that one colt said Pinkie would make a fine princess, and the others are just as good in their own ways. I honestly don’t know why they didn’t all transform right away. But I’ll fix it, and Pinkie Pie will be so happy she’ll help me cheat on my diet forever! Mwahahaha!

A burst of white light shone before her and she read:

"Well … I can give you the lesson later. I doubt that the others minus Pinkie Pie whose super-virginty we should help with as soon as possible, as well as their sisters would enjoy it. That much … but I’ll get everypony here tonight. Then when we’re gone we are going to have a long, long talk in my room. I’ll even whip out the props ;P.

♥ Twilight ♥"

Celestia d’awwed that Twilight used little hearts this time. It was adorable, and soon she would have cake, snuggles, and more importantly more cake. Celestia’s belly rumbled and she remembered that Luna had packed her a lunch. Opening her poor, unused satchel. She saw what Luna packed her.

It was a triple chocolate, cake, with chocolate chips, and tiny bits of truffle. With a side of cake salad (her favorite), and a cake pop. Along with the lunch was a note.

"To Sunbutt, the Squishy Flufflekins,

Learning things is hard I know. I had to relearn a thousand years of things I missed out on and am still learning. But I have faith in you, and no matter what. Remember you can always come to me for anything. You’re an awesome sister, and I’ll always love you … even if you come home wearing a dunce hat, or accidentally set fire to Equestria when you try to cook something.

-Woona, The Slayer of a Thousand Dust Bunnies and the Thing That Hides Under the Bed"

Celestia cried a tear of the feels. Looking at the rising moon that had her mocking her sister’s choice of putting her on a diet. Looked at the letter, “I love you to Woona!” And promptly devoured her cakes.

Epilogue Part 2: Where the Mane 6 Are All Alicorns … and Their Sisters:

Celestia couldn’t think what confounded her more. That transforming the rest of the Element Bearers and their sisters into Alicorn Princesses caused a mass riot in the streets. That the new Princesses were pro-Celestia dieting five to nine. With the crusaders and Pinkie Pie being the only ones to side with her need for confectioneries. Or why ponies were panicking over a little frosting flood, or massive cake rolling over the world. Although the last one saddened her, what with Luna and Celestia’s “Princess Friends” binding her to the basement of Castle of Neopotism as it was renamed by the populace.

But even missing out on the confectionary goodness of doom she was missing. She remembered fondly the various ‘props’ Twilight used when showing her what the euphanism for masturbating meant. Which quickly turned into Twilight, and the other Element Bearers, lording over her in sexy ways while letting her eat her fill of very sweet things. She was even happier that Fluttershy and Applejack took turns with giving Cutie Mark Crusader Sleep Overs at their places. With Spike, as they put it, being a big help with keeping things somewhat sane.

All that was needed was to let the Foodacalypse pass over, then she could blame their ascension on the Tree of Harmony, and their friendship powers elevating them to deities.

Although thinking on it, she always did miss all the good apocalypses.

Epilogue Part Finito: Which Rhymes with Magneto:

It was a week later. The masses were calm, her sister gave her the huggles once more, and Celestia was facing. The most horrifying moment of her life.

“So you got your packed lunch?” Twilight asked.

“Yes.” Celestia mumbled.

“Do you have all your materials for class?”

“Hmmmhmm.”

“Glue?”

“Yep.”

“Crayons?”

“Uhuh.”

“Glitter?”

“I think so?”

“I’ll pack extra just in case.”

“Ummm … Twilight?”

“Yes?”

“W-w-what if the fillies and colts make fun of me?”

“Just remember you’re bigger than they are … and you can’t use magic to scare them until you get a permit allowing you to spell cast again. Me and Luna got the sun for you until then.”

“Alright, bye Twilight.”

“Bye Celestia,” Twilight waved merrily while whispering, “My poor, poor, poor Tia. You’re so doomed.”

Author's Note

Double Update FTW!!! And this ends this story. I hope y'all enjoyed it.

Chapter 1 [Culinary Arts]

Celestia, the Princess of the Day, the Undimming Star, the Solar Sister, triarch of Equestria, the Unholy Knitter, She Who Cooks Horrors and Madness. She was an alicorn of many names, and titles. But mostly she was seen as a wise and benevolent ruler, who overlooked many schools and guided many young prodigies throughout the ages. Who could ask for a more perfect princess? Barring the fact she was banned from the Knitters Guild, the Royal Kitchens, and Several Secret Societies she's accidentally set on fire. But other than that, pure perfection.

"Sister dearest? Are you lost in thought again?" Luna asked as she saw her sister coo while staring blankly at her triple decker fudge cake.

"Of course not, I'm just thinking on how lucky I am to be me," Celestia sighed contentedly.

"It's not like you to slip into moments of vainglory, what were you thinking about?" Luna asked while spearing her jelly doughnut hole with her fork.

"Well, it's just that I'm happy that I make our little ponies happy, and even happier that I can raise such brilliant minds to become such amazing mages."

"Ah! That is good," Luna nodded in acknowledgment, "although when was the last time you actually attended a class?"

"Attended a class? Why it was ... seven centuries ago? It's not like I need it. After all, my students do well enough if I give them a book, and toss things their way ... well eventually," she said thinking of some of her students. Which made her remember the Sunset Shimmers of her day, "other than a few. But mostly they do fine."

"So you're telling me that you raise students, and are in charge of a school, yet you don't actually go to sharpen your skills or learn new discoveries of magic?" Luna asked incredulously.

"Of course not, I'm a princess and haven't had the free time to go frolicking among the hallowed halls of learning," Celestia scoffed.

"Well, what if I took over for a while, and gave you the free time. I'm sure nothing can go wrong if you were to go for a day," Luna offered. She felt an ache in the front of her skull at the thought of doing double princessly shifts. But the thought of her sister not being as "in touch" with her places of learning as she should be was beyond unacceptable.

"Are you sure?" Celestia asked.

"I'm most certain," Luna replied.

"Do you have your bagged lunch?" Luna asked.

"Yes."

"Your scrolls and parchment?"

"But of course."

"What about?"

"Luna, I have everything I need. All I need to do now is apply a hyper dimensional spell of holding to my satchel, and everything shall be set."

Luna looked at her as if she were about to say something more but knowing that holding off for Day Court was going to bring even more headaches than not gave a simple nod, "Now don't forget Tia. If you need me I shall be dealing with the Parasprites and tranquilizers."

"You mean petitioners Luna," Celestia admonished.

"Isn't that what I said? Now be off with ye. I have several headache potions that need downing, and to ensure the cooks know to send me coffee and sweets," Luna replied before trotting off, leaving her sister to her own devices.

"Now let's see here, I need to carry the i, watch for the Shrew Dingers Equation, and keep in mind Plank's Constant ..." Celestia ran through the math in her head, and cast the spell that would alter space-time, and it's interactions with n-th space to create a bag of infinitely expanding proportions, while keeping her bag as light as a feather. After all, with all the greatness of a place of learning she expected that she would need lots of room for important scholastic matters.

As the spell was released. She felt a strong pull that seemed to warp the room around her until she closed the bag, "That was a little more strong than I remember. But at least I proved that black holes are a myth, since light does in fact escape from Luna's plot. Her accidentally farting near the hearth fire was proof enough for that."

And with a successful bag of warped time-space, she was off to visit her first of schools. Celestia's Culinary Academy. After that, it was three more schools to attend and she would show Luna that she was just as able as her students.

Celestia's Academy of the Culinary Arts, was a strange one. In that it was one that while Celestia created, and all her royal cooks came from the school. She had no real hoof in it. It might have been the tear filled pleading of her royal chefs who begged her not to cook for the school, or her royal advisors saying the nation couldn't afford such an 'extravagant gift', complete with air quotes for whatever reason, or it might have been the petition that the board of directors for her schools gave her when it first opened two hundred years ago.

But that was then, now, she needed to see what greatness her school was producing. Hopefully poach a few new chefs for her kitchens while they were still in school, Oh! Think of it, taking a cook as a protege! I haven't done that before. I'll show those neigh sayers that I can cook! I even cooked Luna a mystery cake when she first got here from my secret kitchen. She didn't even turn colors that time, or start speaking in tongues, or spontaneously combust or anything. She even said my cooking has improved since her exile!

She walked through the main doors and looked at the map showing the school's layout. Such implementations were her ideas originally, it was poetic, helping young explorers of knowledge find their path through their quest for self betterment. Locating the Dean's Office, she merrily trotted there like a school filly in a sweets shop.

As she entered the Waiting Room, she had to deal with the normal formalities. Ponies nearly giving themselves concussions trying to bow to her, her telling them to rise, and giving them a warm, caring, smile. With the warmth of a thousand smiling mothers. Then there was the talk with the dean himself.

Dean Breaks Ittuya, was a finely built, broad shouldered, tan unicorn stallion. Whose deep indigo mane was cut in a no-nonsense style. Looked absolutely flabbergasted as Celestia walked into his office, as he hurriedly shoved something into his mahogany desk drawer.

"So, Princess Celestia, what can I do for you today?" His rich, honey toned voice asked with a slight warble. The look on his face made it apparent that it really was a long time coming to make herself known to the school, rather than it's outdoor, far removed from the school, contests she judged at.

"Well my sister and I were speaking, and it seems that I have been neglecting my own scholastic pursuits for quite some time. So to re-acquaint myself with the modern world of academia. I am going on a little crash course as it were through my schools. To learn a bit, and make sure that I haven't gotten rusty over the centuries," Celestia pleasantly replied.

"So," Dean Breaks gulped, "You want to try your hoof at cooking?"

"Yes."

"Here, at this school?" He imperceptibly shuddered.

"Of course. I'll have you know that even my sister said my cooking has improved, and I taught my student everything she knows about the subject," Celestia said with a hint of pride.

She could see the sweat forming on the dean's brow as he said, "But of course. Well, I'll get an aide to show you to some classes, let you see the syllabus, and send word to the chefs. I hope you enjoy your time here princess."

"Of course, and thank you for putting up with this inconvenience. I'm sure you'll barely know I'm here," Celestia said gracefully.

As she left the dean took out a frame that help the most dire of warnings, For the love of all things holy, unholy, and everything inbetween. Never let Celestia near a kitchen!!! Signed by the famous chef, Chef Boire De.

Sighing he pressed the communication rune on his desk, "To all faculty members. Celestia is gracing us with her presence today. Let her see how we do things here, and if you mess up. I swear to Luna's drunken teats I'll bust you down so far, you'll be beneath even the lowliest of fast order cooks for a year!" He yelled with love, "Oh, and sorry princess for using your sisters name in vain. It's a new tradition. Also I need a sacri-an aide to show our princess around."

Celestia knew she had to remember that oath for her sister later. As well as any other interesting vernacular she would pick up this day. She opened her bag to make sure everything was in order when she heard a squeak. She looked around, and although things looked slightly out of place the receptionist had gone missing. That's odd, I wonder where that mare went off too. Oh well, I guess the call of nature called her.

A timid looking pegasus mare trotted in. She reminded her of Dame Fluttershy from the twitchiness of the pony before her, her graceful curves, and of course her tribe. But that's where the similarities ended. This mare was opalescent blue, with a turquoise mane wrapped in a bun, and amethyst eyes. Wearing the most adorable little chefs coat, "Hello my little pony, what might your name be?"

"Close Call princess," Close Call replied while falling into a bow so fast Celestia was surprised she didn't create a sonic rainboom with her face.

"Rise Close Call. Am I to hazard a guess that you are the 'saccharin aide'?"

Close Call gulped loudly at that and gave a nervous nod.

"I'm curious, I've never heard of that term before, is it new?"

"Something like that," Close Call said in an almost inaudible whisper.

Poor dear, such crippling shyness. I'm so proud that she's doing something as social as cooking. Maybe Fluttershy would benefit from a place like this as well. Outloud Celestia beamed, "Well this is good, even now I'm learning something new. In my days we only had aides. So what does this saccharin aide do?"

"Things, and stuff. You know?" Close Call replied noncommittally.

Unless her act as a sacrifice was used more quickly than she anticipated. Such as in never, or at least until she had a coltfriend if she was lucky enough to bag one of the single ones, or at least adopted a few foals and lived until the ripe old age of not dead today. After all ponies of her position were used for jobs that could kill careers, or worse, leave her taste deaf forever if not handled with care. And losing one's ability to taste was worse than a thousand deaths.

"Well ... things and stuff are good," Celestia hummed, "Let's get going shall we?" With as timid as she looks, I'm surprised that she can hold a conversation this well. I can't wait to see her in her element, she might be the perfect mirror into Fluttershy. Then I can help Twilight with her studies into 'hooking up' Fluttershy with Pinkie Pie.

Celestia was drooling as she walked through the hallways. The aroma of food, the sound of food being prepared. She thought Elysium would be just like this hallway. Not that she'd be allowed to go there, not after the restraining order from the Guardians of the Gates. Sore losers. I beat them in a game of 6th dimensional chess and they ban me for embarrassing them in front of the other Celestials. I'll find a way to sneak into Elysium someday. Maybe me and Jessie can challenge them to a game of poker. The God of Undeath is quite fun when you get past his appearance.

Celestia was so lost in thought she didn't even notice where they were going unto the double doors before her. Their white coated venere now with a princessly dent in them still touched Celestia's heart that they'd use her coat color to decorate most of the school in. Although it was hard to go wrong with white. After all it was her second favorite color next to rainbow sherbert.

"So this is the Basic Cooking Class 101, where students are taught the foundations for later cooking. I think this would be a good start right?" Close Call asked.

"Of course, will I need parchment for note taking?" Celestia said enthusiastically. Hopping up and down with glee.

"Not really, it's all hooves on. If that's alright with you."

"Oh but of course. I am in your capable hooves Close Call. I shall defer to your judgement."

"Alright, thank you princess," Close Call bowed demurely before yelling, "Hey Chef! I got another pony for the wringer. It's the Princess!"

"Eh! Cel- I mean Luna's Buttery Nipples! Hey! Class! Look sharp, we got a princess here!" The chef called out to her class who all snapped to attention.

"So you're here to learn how to cook?"

"Yes! And please treat me like you'd do any student. I insist." Celestia squee'd.

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely!"

"Alright then. I ask again. Are you here to learn how to cook?" She said louder than before.

Taking this as a cue that she should speak loudly as well. Celestia let loose the Royal Canterlot Voice, "YES!"

The windows exploded, pots turned to dust, and from as far as Ponyville ponies could have sworn that their pure, saintly princess had orgasmed most hardly. At least that's one of the things the evening newspapers would write that evening. Skyrocketing attendance for generations to come.

But the ponies in the room could have sworn that they saw the life pass before their eyes. When the teacher recovered after Celestia cast a restoration spell to fix them and the room, looked at her and said, "You got enthusiasm. But you're wrong!"

"Wrong?" Tia replied with her eyes misting over, and lip quivering.

"Wrong!" The chef replied, "Everyone can cook. You're here to shape whatever measly slop you call cooking, and make it art!"

Celestia's face transformed into one of inspired joy, "Then art I shall make!"

"That's the spirit. Now get to a station before I use you for a demonstration," she said taking a butcher knife and slamming it intimidatingly into a cutting board.

Oh! These traditions are strange but oddly motivating. I should get Luna to let me go to my schools more often! And these sayings they have are quite amusing. I wonder when they'll use my name?

"So before our esteemed princess exploded the room, we were learning to make sauce. Sauces are the easiest things to make, if you can't make a sauce you deserve to have Celestia torch your backsides until they are broasted. No offense Celestia."

"None taken, I'm quite interested in seeing my name used. I promise to not take offense," Celestia remarked with a saintly smile.

"Thank-bucking Celestia on a pogo stick. I thought we'd never get around to using your name with your gilded flanks gracing our room."

"What?"

"Thanks princess," she replied, "now onto sauces. Today we're making spaghetti sauce. It's as easy as rubbing one off."

Celestia raised her left forehoof in the air waving it frantically, her royal rump denting the chair as she bounced excitedly like a school filly, "Yes princess?" The teacher asked.

"What does this 'rubbing one off' mean?"

The room burst into laughter, even Close Call was rolling on the ground in tears of laughter, "Seriously?"

"Yes, I'm quite unfamiliar with the term, or what I'm supposed to be rubbing, or what needs to come off."

"Well ... you see ... how to explain ..." The teacher fumbled for an answer to the immortal ruler, "you're student is supposed to be a super genius right?"

"Yes. She's quite a smart mare. Why?" Celestia asked.

"Ask her. She'd be able to explain it better," the teacher replied with a blush gracing her white coat, "anyways this isn't that type of education. Now settle down. Aide! I need you to help Princess Celestia prep her station."

"You mean Saccharine Aide right?" Celestia pipped.

"Sure, that, Close Call you poor, poor mare. I'll have nice things to say about you," she replied.

"Um .. alright. She seems like a good pony," Celestia said utterly lost in the conversation. Something she was unused to for over a thousand years. Alas it just struck home how invaluable the pony helping her was. Maybe since Saccharine was sugar, and thus of vital importance to Equestria's economy. A Saccharine Aide was an indispensable part of the staff.

Celestia grinned at her wisdom and nodded to herself. She must make that position available for her castle as well. She felt herself brimming with a humble sense of honor at such an irreplaceable member of their faculty helping her learn. Maybe she could do something nice for the mare.

Celestia was amazed by the graceful gliding and finesse Close Call showed maneuvering around the work stations. In no time at all Celestia was prepped, and given tips on basic cooking sanitation. And at long last she was ready to cook.

"Now," the teacher spoke up, "I want you to all crush the pomodoro tomatoes until they are pure pulp. Then add the measured spices and stir until finely blended."

Celestia watched her fellow students with their task, and grinned at the harmony they all exhibited. Copying them and the directions to the letter. She could already see where she went wrong last time she made pasta sauce. Although she was sad pickled eggs, sour pickles, and cider apple chunks weren't used. It still looked somewhat edible.

"Now for the easy part. Simply put it over a low flame, and let it go to a light boil. Now as we are waiting. When making your own pasta sauces, it's important to first learn how to make what's already been done. See what has worked in the past, and then when you are ready. Add your own twist. Learn what goes well with what type of tomato, what doesn't, and try to find things that compliment tastes and textures.

"Not all works of art are made overnight, other than lucky accidents. So don't feel you have to rush things. Remember, as I always say," The teacher lectured.

The students replied the mantra as one, "Good food, needs strong foundations."

"That's right. I'll make chefs out of you yet!" She replied with a smile.

She really is inspiring. As for strong foundations. I've used the sun to cook, and what's stronger than the sun? So using her psionic connection to the sun, she added a bit of heat to speed up the cooking process.

Everyone looked in shock as the sauce took on a caramelized hue, and grew, and grew, and grew some more. The teacher could only ask, "What did you do?"

While Close Call moaned, "Why me?"

Before it exploded with the force of a nova. Accidentally opening her satchel and with a loud glurp, Celestia saw it all being sucked into her bag. And an utterly empty class room. "Oh Snickerdoodles and Tartar Sauce!" Celestia cussed, "Everypony's gone. I hope they didn't disintegrate, Luna won't ever let me live it down if I did that again. Last time it took her seventy generations before she let up.

"But sauce, I already have lunch packed with love from my dear Woona. So I have to take you ..." Celestia stopped as she opened the bag and saw all the class within her satchel, "Oh double Snickerdoodles! I forgot to divide by Mule Ear's Identity coupled with the solution of the division of 0 via the Squeeze Theorem. How could I forget my basic transcendental planar paths? Let's get you out of there."

Celestia pulled her subjects out, and the glazen pulsating mass connecting them. Like a saucy heart with that poor Receptionist from earlier. who knows how being stuck in N-time will effect her?

And as to answer her. The Receptionist droned, "I saw the end times."

"And it was pasta sauce flavored," the others chanted.

"The great, flying spaghetti monster," she started.

"Shall signal the end times."

"Beware Salsathos."

"For he shall smother all creation in his sauces."

"Then the great Pigeoto shall awaken."

"And eat all the stars and fart out novas."

They all finished with, "And it shall be super effective." Before passing out.

Celestia looked upon them and sighed. Taking the thick mass, which had now solidified into a rather strong substance Celestia took comfort that at least it was strong. Before waking up her little ponies, only for them to look around in confusion.

"Princess!" They all yelled as one. Followed by a frenetic mass of confused shouts that were silenced when Celestia raised her forehoof.

"Now Close Call," Celestia started to asked before Close Call interrupted her.

"How'd you know my name?" Close Call gushed.

"What is the last thing you remember?"

"Well I woke up this morning, came to school, and that's all. Today is the fifteenth of May right?"

"It is. Well you are my Saccharine Aide, which it has been an honor to have such an indispensible member of the faculty made available to me. Then we went here to learn to cook ... and I might have misinterpreted the teacher's words," Celestia confessed.

Close Call mouthed the word and it clicked that Celestia somehow mashed up Sacrifice and Aide together before she could mention anything the teacher interrupted.

"What words?" The Teacher asked.

"Good food requires strong foundations."

"Ah! What did you do?"

"Well, what's stronger than the sun?"

"Let me get this straight ... you used the sun, to cook your sauce?"

"Yes."

"And it ne ... you ... " Celestia watched the twitching of the teacher's left eye.

"If it helps, you used Luna's name in your new traditional sayings, and I gave permission to use mine as well. If it helps, tell me what you'd tell any student who did this."

"Any student?"

"Hmmhmm."

"That tried using the sun to cook?"

"Exactly."

"Tirek's Tainted Left Nut Sack! Are you bucking mad!?" She shouted. Waving her hooves spastically in the air, "By Celestia's Sunny Plot, were you trying to kill everyone! Or did you simply wake up and decide it would be a good day to nuke the school!?"

After huffing angrily and coming to her senses she added a half hearted, "no offense princess."

"No ... no ... I deserve that. I was just thinking that I have a strong tie to the sun, and nothing's stronger than that. So ... it would be good. I'm sorry," Celestia whimpered.

"Ah! It's like kicking a basket of puppies. Listen ... did you listen to all of my lecture?"

"Yes."

"And did I say anything about following directions before experimenting?"

"You did."

"And did I say it would be a good idea to use any special talents when messing with time honored basics needed to get a good foundation?"

"No you didn't."

"Good, now we both learned something today. I learned to be more thorough when talking to alicorns who come to my class, and hopefully you learned your lesson as well."

"I think I learned many valuable lessons. Most of all, to work on following directions before being creative. Well I think I shall be off to the next school. Hopefully I can come back and try my hoof at this again."

Author's Note

Chapter 1 of 5.

So when doing this there were a few routes to go. But first I needed what Celestia to flanderize and play with. Molestia and Trollestia, while are good versions for satire. I decided I wanted to create a Cakelestia. Playing into the fact that lots of fics have her addicted to cakes. This will play into her character throughout the story.

But originally, this fic was inspired by a Twilight fic, that was a satire on a satire. With this, I decided I'm going to play on the big one's Twilight has, but with the twist that it's Celestia. And at a Celestia level botch. From there I basically let the story write itself, with the basic thought of. Get Celestia to a place Twilight is known to either botch, or is famous with (for the Engineering Academy (since it has Pinkie Pie as a professor)). Then what would Cakelestia do ... and how can I botch it epically.

Each chapter will have a Pun Name converter for those who want it. If I miss any that you want ask and you shall receive.

Shrew Dinger: Schrodinger [physicist ]

Plank: Max Planck

Mule Ear: Euler

[Bag of Holding Equation, InVerse.] [Note: I'm not a mathematician, and have no idea what that'd equation would actually do. Just sounded fitting ^_^.]

Chef Boire De: Chef Boyardee

Next Fic: Canterlot's Music and Dance Academy [CMaDA]. Will be out in three days.