Axequestria

by Emtu

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Lyra, Original Character
Length: 24964

Axe Cop. In Equestria. Need I say more?

One day at The Con, The Guy dressed as The Cop found the perfect axe. That was the day he became AXE COP!

“I need a partner now.” So Axe Cop had tryouts and hired a partner.

“My name is Lyra!”

“Sign up here Harp Cop, we have a gang of changelings to kill.”

So the new team went into the land of snobby rich ponies and fought the gang of changelings with their axe and harp.

“I WILL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF!”

So they cut the Changeling Queen's head off, then devised a plan.

“We should put this head on a stick and hide bombs in it.”

But Harp Cop got changeling blood on her. “I feel strange...”

The changeling blood caused Harp Cop to unexpectedly transform into a changeling soldier!

And so they became Axe Cop and Changeling Soldier!

Published 2015-05-03 03:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-01 20:11:43 UTC

AXE COP (Part 1)

“Finally, we’re here! That drive felt like it took all day!” I got out of the car, stretching all my limbs to loosen them up for the full day of walking around I was about to endure.

“Come on Axel, it was only about an hour.” Fred killed the ignition and got out of the driver’s seat, but then he stretched too. Wasn’t so easy of a trip for you either, huh?

I grabbed my peaked cap and sunglasses out of the back seat, looking at my reflection in the side window of the car to straighten them, then I leaned back in and grabbed my small backpack and my axe. “I wish I could have found a good costume axe rather than having to make this thing. I just couldn’t get the shape quite right.” I hung the axe from a loop on the side of the backpack.

Fred opened the back door on his side and pulled out his stuff - a floppy little green hat, a backpack with all kinds of equipment hanging from it, a boomerang, and a replica Master Sword. “You should have started looking earlier, you know it takes a while to put together a good cosplay,” he said while he put on his hat and started to gear up.

“Shut up, you know I didn’t know about Axe Cop until you showed it to me like two weeks ago. I was just barely able to find this awesome uniform, plus the matching hat and sunglasses, and grow in the mustache.”

“Yeah, the ‘stache looks good. You should keep it after the con. Alright, I’m gonna lock up the car, call me if you need to toss anything in the trunk you don’t feel like lugging around all day.”

“I doubt I will. Thanks, though.” We headed up to the entrance and stopped at the desk.

“Tickets?” asked the clerk.

“Nah, we prepaid online,” Fred replied.

“Alright then, I’ll need to see your IDs.” We pulled them out our wallets and handed them over, and she looked down at them and back up at us. “Fred Phillips and... Axel Axton Axington Tiberiaxe the 4th?” She gave me That Look. The look people always give me the first time they hear my full name.

I hate That Look.

I rolled my eyes behind my sunglasses and replied, “Yeah, you try growing up with a name like that.” She blushed a bit and proceeded to look up our tickets, then prints out our badges - mine said Axel - Axe Cop and Fred’s said Fred - Link, Hero of Hyrule. We took the badges and clipped them to the fronts of our shirts, then continued into the con proper. It wasn’t long before we split up.

“Catch you later, Axel.”

“Later. I’ll call you.”

After wandering around the hall for a couple hours and admiring all the great cosplays, I stopped a bit off the beaten path to rest my feet and just take in the sights. I saw few people wearing strange outfits based on that pony show I watched. I never really got into the fandom of it, those people are just weird, but I still like the show, and I watch it regularly. Suddenly I was distracted by a voice calling out to me.

“Welcome! Got somethin’ that might interest ya’!” I looked around to try to see where the voice was coming from and I heard, “Over here, strangea.”

I turned once more to look, as I thought I almost recognized the voice, and I saw a guy behind a table wearing what appeared to be a perfect replica of the Merchant’s outfit from Resident Evil 4. “Damn man, you got that voice down perfect.” That was when I looked down at the table and noticed he had replicas of all sorts of fictional weapons, from things as big as the Buster Sword all the way down to those little throwing knife things from Naruto. “Really? You have something that might work for me?”

Reaching into his massive coat, he pulled out the last thing I expected, the Perfect Fire Axe. Presenting it to me, he said, “Now that’s a weapon!” My eyes were as wide as dinner plates as he continued, “Not only will ya need cash, but you’ll need guts to buy that weapon!” Looking closer, I noticed a price tag stuck to the head - $40.

I quickly pulled out my wallet and fumbled around with it to see how much cash I had left. Realizing I had plenty, I pulled out two twenties and handed them over. “Sold!” I hesitated for a moment before grabbing the axe. “This isn’t going to send me to another dimension or something like that, is it? This just seems too convenient.” He shook his head and chuckled.

“A wise choice, mate.” I paused for a second more, then I shrugged and grabbed the axe. It even felt weighted like a real axe. I carefully peeled the sticker off and threw it in a nearby trash can, along with my crappy homemade axe.

After looking around first to make sure nobody was nearby, I gave it a couple of test swings. In the middle of the second swing, suddenly everything went black, like the power suddenly went out to the convention center. I didn’t hear anyone screaming or panicking, so that couldn’t be the case. Suddenly, I felt the sensation of falling, and I heard nothing but air whooshing by my ears.

“Daaaaaaaaammiiiiiiiit...”

“Oof!” Guess I dozed off, I had been falling for so long. A wood floor was not a nice thing to land on in any case, though I didn’t land particularly hard. Shaking my head to clear the cobwebs, I sat there for a moment while looking around to take stock of my situation.

The room was oddly shaped, but mostly roundish, and had filled bookshelves sunk into every available bit of wall space. Strange, the room didn’t look so much built as... carved out of a solid hunk of wood... My head whipped back to look in the center of the room, and the large round table I fully expected to see stood there with the familiar horse head statue sitting upon it. Curse that Merchant, somehow I got sent to Equestria, and naturally I had to land in Ponyville, specifically in the Golden Oak Library.

I got to my feet as quietly as I could so as not to alert anyone that might be in the library, then paused and cocked my head to listen. While there was plenty of sound from outside, surely ponies running around, doing their daily tasks, I heard very little from inside the building. In fact, the only thing I could hear was some light snoring from the bedroom area upstairs.

After hanging the axe that was still in my hand from the loop on my backpack, I tiptoed up the stairs and carefully opened the door, sneaking into the room as quietly as I could. Naturally, Spike was curled up there in his basket, asleep. Twilight must have been out of town for something, but what? There were a few times in the series she left Spike at home alone, but I had no idea which one this could be. I had to find out.

I gently shook Spike and whispered to him, “Spike! Where’s Twilight?”

“Mmmph. She went t’Canterlot with th’girls for some bacon thing,” was his reply, then he rolled over and continued snoring.

Bacon thing? Bacon? Oh, he probably said ‘baking.’ Baking thing... Hmm... Oh, that probably means I landed here during MMMystery on the Friendship Express, and all the Elements were on their way up to Canterlot with Pinkie’s big cake thing, along with that griffon, that mule, and Pony Joe. Okay, so late in season 2. Late in season 2!? That meant we were coming up on the changeling invasion! I had no idea how long it would be before the wedding, but I had to go stop Chrysalis!

I quietly made my way back down to the main floor of the library, then I paused to think. None of the ponies saw it coming, but Twilight had seen there was something wrong with Cadance. Looking down at myself, I realized I was still dressed as Axe Cop. ‘Dressed’, huh. Since I was apparently in magical pony land at that point, I wondered...

“Skateboard!” I whisper-shouted, so as not to wake Spike. Suddenly I heard a POOF! from just behind me, and the weight of my backpack shifted. I turned to look, and hanging from that loop where my axe was moments ago, was instead a skateboard with a picture of me on it in the full Axe Cop outfit, holding up an axe. That pretty much confirmed it, then. “I don’t think I can get that out of the loop, though. Uh, axe?” I said, not sure if that will change it back. Fortunately, it did, and my backpack no longer sat oddly.

So apparently I actually became Axe Cop. Alright, but then I needed a partner. Not just because Axe Cop always has a partner, but also because it might be useful to have a local that can help find or interpret things. I looked around again, and found the door to the basement. Grabbing a small unused table I found down there as well as a chair, I headed back upstairs. I then took a couple pieces of parchment from Twilight’s desk, folded one in half, and wrote ‘TRYOUTS’ on one side with a quill. I then stuck the quill back in the ink pot and picked up the whole thing. Heading outside with all the things I had collected, I put down the chair and table, put up the sign, and waited.

Most of the ponies pointedly ignored me. No wonder, with all the crazy stuff that goes on in and around this town, particularly in and around this tree. It wasn’t long, however, before a mint-green unicorn wearing a pair of saddlebags walked up to the table, gazing at me with her eyes wide and almost sparkling. “Are you a... human?” she asked, tentatively.

“That I am, little lady. Call me Axe Cop. And who might you be?”

She made an odd sound, almost a squeal, as she sat back on her haunches and clapped her front hooves together repeatedly. “Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh, a real human!” She coughed and stood back up, a slight blush on her face. “Sorry about that. My name’s Lyra, and I see you’re offering some sort of... tryouts?” she says, looking at the sign on the table, then back up at me.

“Yep. I just got here and I decided I need a partner. Someone who knows the area, and someone who can help me fight bad guys.”

“I sure do know the area, but I’m not much for fighting. I know a couple defensive spells, and I can play my lyre?” Her horn lit up with a golden glow for a moment, and a similarly-colored orb quickly grew into existence in midair in front of her. With a soft POP! sound the orb burst, and there was a small lyre floating there in front of her, encased in the same golden glow. Sitting back on her haunches again, she brought her hooves up and started to pluck at the strings, playing a beautiful, dare I say magical, harmony. As she continued playing, I felt a slight tingle throughout my entire body.

With a wry grin, I slid the other piece of parchment across the table to her. “Sign up here, we have a gang of changelings to kill.” With a flourish of her magic, she picked up the quill and wrote her name across the parchment, continuing to play her music all the while.

After she returned the quill to the ink pot, I spun the parchment around and looked down at it. “Lyra Heartstrings? Alright then.” Grabbing the quill myself, I scrawled ‘Harp Cop’ under her name. After that, I heard a faint clink sound from the ground near Lyra, so I stood up to see what it was. To my surprise, there were gold coins littering the ground around her, and a passing pony tossed another one down as I watched. She played a bit longer, then with a flash her lyre disappeared and she started to gather up the coins.

“Ponies really seem to like when I play my lyre in public, and they often give me bits in thanks for the performance. Thanks to that, I haven’t ever had to get a real job, so this will be the first time.” She finished gathering up the coins, bits I suppose, and placed them in her saddlebag with a jangle.

“Well, as I said, I just arrived here, and I don’t have any local money, but we need to get two tickets to Canterlot as soon as possible. Also I need to put this stuff away,” I gestured at the table, “and I need you to direct me to the train station.”

Lyra pointed in a direction away from the library. “The train station is over there, and the next train should be leaving in an hour or two. I’ll go buy us those tickets, and I’ll wait there for you.”

“It’s a plan, then. Get to it, Harp Cop!”

She gave me an odd look, but nodded and trotted off in the direction she had pointed. It took me a few minutes, but I put the table and chair back where I found them, replaced the inkpot and quill on Twilight’s desk, tossed the TRYOUTS sign in the trash, and folded up the other piece of parchment, pocketing it.

As I casually walked over to the train station, none of the ponies I passed gave me a second glance, heck most of them never gave me a first glance. I guess the ponies of Ponyville have really become inured to the weirdness that this town seems to attract. I spotted Lyra well before I actually reached the station, and once I got there, she passed me one of the tickets.

“The next train actually leaves in fifteen minutes!” she exclaimed.

“Good, the sooner we get there the better, the safety of all of Equestria could depend on it.”

After we arrived in Canterlot, I noticed most of the ponies here gave me a much wider berth than those in Ponyville. Guess they’re just not as used to the weirdness. Some of them stared, but nobody actually said anything. At least, not to us.

After walking for a while, we arrived at the castle gates, flanked by a pair of royal guards. One of them turned to us and asked with a scowl, “What is your business at the castle?”

Lyra lit her horn and pulled a piece of paper out of her saddlebag, then presented it to the guard. “We’re here for the royal wedding. Here’s my invitation, and this is my ‘plus one’.”

After a cursory inspection of the invitation, and a piercing gaze up at me long enough to get uncomfortable, the guard nodded. Turning to the other guard, he said, “It checks out. Let ‘em in.” The guard then gave Lyra directions on how to get to where the wedding would be held and added, “Better hurry, they’re scheduled to start in just a few minutes.”

We dashed through the hallways, with Lyra in the lead, until we arrived at the wedding, just about to start. Once we arrived, I took a cursory look around, and saw no signs of changelings, nor did Twilight appear to be present, only the other five Elements. Smirking to myself, I reached back and grabbed my axe, then charged up the aisle towards the pretty pink princess pony and the dazed white unicorn.

“I WILL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF!”

With a single swipe, the pink pony’s head popped off of her neck, falling to the floor, followed closely by her body. Every pony in attendance either gasped or screamed, and the Elements all stepped forward. Applejack spoke up.

“What the hay do you think yer do–”

“STOOOOOOOOP!” A purple unicorn stood in the entranceway, her hooves spread and firmly planted. “That’s not Cad–” She interrupted herself as she noticed the corpse on the altar, which shimmered with green flames and transformed into Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, causing everyone to gasp or scream again. “Oh.”

Another pony that had the same appearance the changeling queen previously did walked up behind Twilight. “Seems somepony already figured it out.”

Suddenly, the decapitated body on the altar let out a single large spurt of blood, which shot across the room, hitting Lyra right in the chest. “Eww, gross!” she cried.

As everyone watched, holes opened through Lyra’s hooves. Her horn grew slightly longer, but became bent and twisted, small insectile wings sprouted from her back, and a gold-colored saddle-like thing formed under them and around her barrel.

“Does anyone have a quill and ink?” I asked. Twilight’s horn lit and an ink pot with quill appeared floating in front of me. I grabbed it, pulled out the quill, set down the pot, and took the folded piece of parchment out of my pocket. After scratching out where I had written ‘Harp Cop’, I wrote ‘Changeling Soldier’ below it.

Princess Cadance spoke up again. “The rest of the changelings should be stunned for a while by the sudden death of their queen, so it shouldn’t be hard to round them up. Thank you, whoever you are.”

I held my axe over my head and exclaimed, “I am Axe Cop! And I will kill all the bad guys!”

Author's Note

I had this ridiculous idea, and I couldn't get anyone else to write it. So I did.

I'm mostly sort of following canon, but the AU tag is there.

Suggestions for future chapters based on future episodes are welcome, and I'll probably use some of them. I'm not much of a writer, I usually edit.

AXE COP (Part 2)

Changeling Soldier and I were asked to help gather up all the stunned changelings. (I was a bit irked that they asked me to not chop any of the changelings’ heads off, but I complied... begrudgingly.) After we finished stuffing them all into the castle dungeon, and we attended the second attempt of the wedding, we were summoned by Princess Celestia. A guard escorted us to her office, saluted to her, then left.

As we approached her enormous desk, it occurred to me that she was probably the only equine in this world that I can look straight in the eyes without looking down; compared to regular-sized ponies, she’s enormous. If she stood on her hind legs, she’d even tower over me, and I’m not short. She took a long look at Changeling Soldier, then turned her gaze to me. “You’re probably wondering why I’ve asked for you to be brought here.”

I shrugged noncommittally. “Not really. I killed what was a present threat to Equestria, and what could have been a future threat if I hadn’t.”

“How did you know she was a changeling?”

Okay, she stumped me there. I had to figure out how to explain that without outright admitting that I knew the details of their future for the next few years or implying I had just guessed. I quickly scoured my memories of everything I knew about Axe Cop for something that might have been able to tell... Hm, that might work. I reached up and raised the brim of my hat a bit, then tapped my forehead. With a weird pulling, stretching feeling, a pair of lobster-like antennae extended from my forehead.

“I have retractable lobster antennae that can sense danger,” I explained.

“You didn’t have them at the wedding,” she countered.

“They were... under my hat?”

She stared at me for a moment. That moment lengthened to a minute.

“Very well.” She shifted her gaze to Changeling Soldier. “You look familiar. Don’t you live in Ponyville?”

“Yes, your highness. My name is Lyra Heartstrings. This... human just arrived in Ponyville yesterday, and when he was looking for a partner I just couldn’t resist.”

“Ah, yes, I remember you now. You’re the one with the interest in humans.” She looked back and forth between us, while gesturing at Changeling Soldier with one hoof. “How did she change like this?”

“She got changeling blood on her,” I replied, as though that would explain it to anyone’s satisfaction. She cocked an eyebrow and tilted her head at me, clearly not convinced. With a sigh, I continued. “I seem to have strange effects on those around me, particularly in the case of transformations. I can’t explain why, but none of the strangeness I cause has any negative effect on anyone but...” I racked my brain for something to say besides ‘bad guys’, trying to sound a little more professional, “...those with evil intent. Transformations are either benign or useful.” I looked down and gestured at my partner. “As you can see, she seems to have become part changeling. She can probably fly now, as well as transform, at least partially.” I addressed Changeling Soldier. “Try imagining yourself with your normal appearance.”

Looking up at me, she nodded, closed her eyes, and lowered her head a bit. After a few seconds, her horn lit up with a golden glow, but the aura seemed more like fire than the soft glow it had before. Celestia jumped a bit as the golden fire quickly raced over her body, causing her horn to revert to its previous appearance. The holes in her legs disappeared, as did her wings and golden saddle. She raised her head and opened her eyes, quickly looked up at her horn, then lifted a hoof in front of her face. “It worked! I’m a normal unicorn again!”

The princess looked down at her sadly. “I fear that may not be the case, my little pony. You are likely still part changeling, though it appears you can change your appearance to that of any equine with a similar size and shape as yourself.”

She appeared to ponder that for a moment, then suddenly her horn lit, engulfing her body in golden flames again. When they cleared away, in her place was a hornless, wingless mare with a cream-colored coat and a blue and pink mane and tail. She turned her head around to look at her back and gasped. She looked up at the mirror that we both just noticed on the wall behind her, next to the door. “I look just like her!” Continuing to turn the rest of her body around, she lifted a hoof to her mouth. “I sound like her too!” She quickly tried several more forms, all of which I recognized as other background ponies from Ponyville, before reverting to her normal pony form. “Oh, this is amazing!”

Celestia spoke again. “While this ability is indeed an amazing thing for a pony to have, it could also be extremely dangerous, since you could look and sound like nearly anypony, and there’s no easy way to distinguish. Somepony with this type of ability would usually be thrown in prison or recruited into the military.” Changeling Soldier’s face fell, her head drooped, and she slowly turned back around.

With a plaintive look, she gazed up at the tall alicorn. “What are you going to do to me?”

Princess Celestia looked thoughtful for a moment. “I do know a variety of truth spells, I could cast one on you that would cause you to answer truthfully if anypony asks who you are.”

I spoke up. “I was born with a secret potion in my blood that prevents me from ever turning bad, could your doctors extract some of that from me and inject it into Changeling Soldier?”

Changeling Soldier looked up at me and rolled her eyes. “Lyra. My name is Lyra.”

The princess contemplated this for a moment. “That would probably work. I’d have to have my doctors analyze a sample of your blood to separate the potion and test to see if it’s safe to inject into a pony, as well as for its effects. Is that acceptable to both of you?”

I just nodded, while Changeling Soldier happily said, “Yes, your highness!” Celestia wrote on a piece of parchment for a moment, then rolled it up.

“Very well. Guard!” A unicorn guard opened the door from the outside. The princess floated the parchment over to him, and he plucked it out of the air with his magic. “Escort these guests to the medical wing and give that note to the doctor.” She turned back to us. “It’s been a pleasure to meet you, the doctors will take care of the rest.”

I bowed deeply. “Thank you, your highness.” Changeling Soldier bowed as well, at least as much as a quadruped can bow, then we followed the guard out.

It didn’t take long to reach the medical wing, and we only waited a few minutes before the nurse took blood samples from both of us, but after that we ended up sitting around for at least an hour before they were ready for us again. Changeling Soldier took a nap on the waiting room’s couch, but I don’t sleep, because I’m on the always shift.

When the doctor came back out, the first thing he did was wake up Changeling Soldier. “Miss Heartstrings? Miss Heartstrings! Wake up please, we’ve analyzed your partner’s blood and found it contains exactly what he said it did, so we separated some out from the sample, tested it with your blood, and there was no negative reactions. One caveat though, there may be unusual side effects, simply because of the... strangeness his presence causes.” He gestured at me. “Now, the princess’s message explained about you, Miss Heartstrings, and after discussing it with the other doctors, we’ve come to the conclusion that you should probably be in your current ‘base’ form for this to have the least amount of side effects.”

She blushed a bit and nodded as she stood up from the sofa. “Alright doctor, if you think so.” Her horn lit, and with a whoosh of golden flame, she transformed back into her semi-changeling form. She raised her head and stood firm. “I’m ready.”

“Because of what this is, it will be best to inject it into a large muscle, so please turn around.” The doctor made circular motions with his hoof. Changeling Soldier blushed again, but complied. After a few seconds, the doctor speared the needle into her rump with no warning, causing her to squeak. She cringed as he slowly pushed down the plunger, and let out a sigh of relief when he finished and withdrew the needle. “Now, I must ask that you not transform for several minutes while I observe for side effects.” She nodded.

We sat in silence on the waiting room’s seats for a few minutes before Changeling Soldier’s horn lit up again. She looked up at it with a confused expression. “I’m not doing anything. At least, not on purpose.” The golden flames washed over her body again, but did not dissipate immediately as they had done previously. “What’s happening!?” she exclaimed, the fear evident in her voice. As the doctor and I watched, her body distinctly changed shape. Her hind legs lengthened a bit, her neck shortened a bit, and something happened to her front hooves, but what wasn’t clear with the flames cloaking them.

When the flames dissipated, she still looked mostly as she did before, but her back legs seemed to be at a different angle than before, and her forehooves, while there were still holes in them, had turned into... hands? She stared down at them for a few moments, wide-eyed, then turned her head to try to look at the rest of her body, only to find she couldn’t turn as far as she used to. Her hind legs shifted a bit as she worked out how to move them, then she twisted around in her seat and stood up... on only her hind hooves! She had gained a form with some human attributes! She was still generally pony-shaped, but her hips had shifted into a bipedal stance, while her forelegs had become more like arms, and she stood about a head taller than her usual height. Clapping her hands together, she grinned maniacally and said, “I have hands! And I can walk on two legs! I can’t turn my head around as far, but the rest is great! I wonder if I can change back.” With more flashes of flame, she shifted back to her base form, her previous normal unicorn form, and then into her part-human form without any changeling attributes.

While the doctor furiously took notes, I held my hand up towards Changeling Soldier, fingers spread wide. “Slap my hand.” She looked at me curiously for a moment, then did. “That is a ‘high five’.”

Her grin spread wide, and she slapped my hand again. “EEEEEEeeeee! I love it!” she squealed, while clapping her hands together in glee.

As the doctor finished writing, he turned to her and said, “While this new form is fascinating, you should probably limit its use. As you know, most ponies are timid, easily alarmed creatures, so it may be wise to maintain a normal pony form most of the time.”

With a slightly sad look, she nodded. “Don’t I know it. I used to get bad enough reactions just from behaving the way I usually did when I was still a normal unicorn, I don’t want worse.”

The doctor nodded in response. “Please let us know if you have any other unusual effects.” He pulled a piece of parchment from the bottom of the pile of papers he carried. “The message from the princess says to send you back to her office when you’re done here.” He turned over the parchment and scratched out some simple directions, then passed it to me.

I looked over the directions, then nodded. “Thanks, doc. Come on, Changeling Soldier, let’s go. Don’t want to keep the princess waiting.” I headed out of the clinic.

“My name is Lyra!”

The first thing out of Celestia’s mouth when we walked in was, “Did it work?”

“Assuming it works as well as it does for me, she should be incapable of intentional evil.”

“Intentional?”

I shrugged. “Accidents happen. Also, there was a... notable side effect.” I looked down at my partner. “You should show her.”

She closed her eyes and transformed into her semi-human form. “I can’t turn fully human, but it’s the closest I’ve ever been, and I’m happy with it!” She shifted through a few different versions, combined with other ponies, before reverting to her base form. “I’m really enjoying this transforming thing more than I thought I would.”

Princess Celestia gave us that enigmatic smile of hers. “I am about to have a meeting with my student, but after that I would like the two of you to accompany her and the other Element Bearers on their trip.” I folded my arms across my chest and nodded, knowing exactly where we were going, but Changeling Soldier looked confused.

“Trip? To where, your majesty?”

“I will leave that explanation to Twilight. Please go wait at the train station, the rest of the Element Bearers will be arriving soon, and she will explain when she gets there.”

We had been waiting at the train station for only a short while when a train pulled in and I suddenly heard what sounded like the end of a song, followed by the familiar voice of a young dragon saying, “Uh... prepared for, what exactly?

“Twilight!” I turned my head the other direction, and saw four of the other element bearers - Applejack, who had spoken, flanked by Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash. Applejack jumped forward and gave Twilight a quick hug. “Didja pass?”

Pinkie Pie came out of another door of the train, and wheeled her party cannon right into Spike, knocking him off his feet. Tilting the cannon upwards, she said, “Are we gonna celebrate your awesomeness with Princess Celestia!?” The cannon went off to punctuate this, firing a spray of confetti and streamers into the air, and Pinkie jumped up alongside.

“Not quite,” Twilight replied. Pinkie, along with the decorative shrapnel, froze in midair for a moment, then Pinkie fell back to the platform and the party supplies reversed themselves back into the cannon. I know better than to question Pinkie Pie, but Changeling Soldier just stared and flapped her lips a bit, making confused sounds.

“We’re going to the Crystal Empire!” Twilight explained, and beckoned for me and Changeling Soldier to join them.

All the other girls responded with their own sounds of confusion, with Rainbow Dash muttering, “Crystal what?”

AXE COP (Part 3)

The train ride from Canterlot to the Crystal Empire took about a full day. During that time, the Elements, Changeling Soldier, and I got to know each other a bit. I didn’t say anything about knowing their futures, nor the fact that their reality was fiction in my world, but I did share my real first name; I felt if anyone deserved to know, it was these seven, though I thought I saw a flash of a scowl on Pinkie’s face when I said it. She was back to smiling so fast I couldn’t be certain. I did ask them to call me Axe Cop around others, though.

After I woke up from getting my two minutes of sleep, I went to the dining car to see what I could find to eat. I found Pinkie sitting next to a table with what appeared to be a birthday cake on it. On top of the cake was a candle shaped like me, holding up an axe. I took a long look at it then gave Pinkie a sidelong glance, only to notice she was rubbing her forehooves together slightly maniacally.

“I KNEW IT! You’re not Axey Smartist! I knew you weren’t the real Axe Cop!” she yelled as she dropped to all fours and impossibly stretched her neck and body to get her face up in mine. “The real Axe Cop would have destroyed the place if he saw that candle on that cake!”

I stepped back and facepalmed a bit. I suppose if I could trust anyone here with my details, it’s Pinkie. “Firstly, Pinkie, I’m probably as close to the ‘real’ Axe Cop as you’ll ever meet. Somehow I got all his powers and abilities, but I’m still mostly myself in here.” I tapped my forehead with a finger. “I mostly play up the act so peop– uh, ponies won’t question anything, and for the most part, they don’t. Secondly, how do you know about Axe Cop?”

With her teeth clenched, she muttered, “I read the comic.” She seemed to relax a bit. “That reminds me, how do you know so much about us? None of the stories we told seemed to surprise you a bit!”

“...I’m not even going to ask how you’re able to read the comic, but you’re right, I do know a lot about you girls. It’s because, like Axe Cop, this world is fictional in the world I came from.”

“If that’s the case, you probably know what’s going to happen here, don’t you?” she asked, with a stern look. I nodded and started to say something but Pinkie waved a hoof at me and shook her head. “Ahp-ap-ap-ap-ap, no spoilers. If you want to help out, I’m not going to stop you, but NO. SPOILERS. For anypony.”

“Is it okay if I tell ponies things that may protect them from bad outcomes, as long as I omit the details?” With a grin, Pinkie nodded. I smiled and nodded back, and began the familiar gesture. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye, I Pinkie Promise that I will not tell anyone spoilers about future events.”

“Now that we’re done with that nastiness, c’mere.” Pinkie threw out her arms, clearly offering a hug, and I knelt down and accepted. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anypony. Now, let’s have some birthday cake!”

She cut large slices for both of us and we sat down to eat. “I don’t know if it’s just because this is a different world, or if it’s because I’m basically Axe Cop, but this birthday cake tastes better than any other food I’ve ever eaten, ever.”

“Probably both, silly. I’ll be glad to make you more when we get back to Ponyville, and I’ll even get the candle right next time.”

With a smirk, I reached out and patted her fluffy mane. “You should get to bed, we all have a long day tomorrow.” She gave me a questioning look. “I already got my two minutes of sleep–”

“–I know, I know, because you’re on the ‘always’ shift.” She yawned. “All right, good night Axel.”

As she slowly walked off, I called after her. “Good night, Pinkie Pie.”

It was running late in the afternoon when the train stopped... at a platform that had nothing visible nearby, only a heavy blizzard surrounding it. “I-is this where we actually get off the train?” stammered Fluttershy.

Twilight nodded, and with a flash of her horn, the door popped open. All the girls cringed at the frigid winds that poured in, but they started to head out anyway, with Rarity and Spike coming last. “Ha! And you all made fun of me for packing so many scarves!”

Spike carried a large pile of luggage, clearly Rarity’s, out of the train, and grunted. “Didn’t say a word.” Just outside the door, he slipped on a patch of ice, dropping the entire pile, causing one of the suitcases to pop open, and some of Rarity’s scarves to blow around. He yelled as he chased them around. “Whoa! Hey! Come here!” Changeling Soldier used her magic to help him gather the scarves.

From out in the blizzard, a voice called out. “Twilight!” A large white unicorn stallion wearing goggles and a scarf trudged up to the train platform.

Twilight used a hoof to shield her eyes from the snow. “Shining Armor?”

The stallion’s horn lit, removing the goggles and scarf from his face. “Twylie! You made it!” They ran to each other and had a quick hug and nuzzle. He turned to face the rest of us. “It’s good to see you here. All of you.” Turning back to Twilight, he got a serious look. “We’d better get moving. There are things out here we really don’t want to run into after dark.”

Fluttershy gulped. “What kind of things?”

Shining turned around dramatically. “Let’s just say the Empire... isn’t the only thing that’s returned.”

As we trekked through the snow towards the Empire proper, he explained further, yelling to be heard over the blowing wind. “Something keeps trying to get in! We think it’s the unicorn king who originally cursed the place!”

“But Princess Celestia said I was being sent here to find a way to protect the Empire! If King Sombra can’t get in, then it must already be protected!” Twilight yelled back.

Suddenly there was a loud roaring, howling sound from all around. “Th-that’s one of the things, isn’t it!?” Fluttershy shrieked.

Shining Armor turned around quickly. “We have to get to the Crystal Empire, now!” A huge smoky whirlwind appeared behind us, and green and red eyes emitting purple smoke appeared in front of it with a roar. Shining grabbed up Spike in his magic and tossed him on his back.

Twilight yelled, “Go, go!” as the ponies all ran for it.

I just drew my axe and leapt into the air. “I WILL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF!” With a mighty swing of my axe... the smoke was undeterred. Completely unharmed. “Uh oh.” Shining turned around and fired a beam of energy at the cloud, but I didn’t see what happened. I was too busy running away. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, just barely catching up to the ponies as they reached the shield and jumped through.

We came through to a warm, grassy field, and I just laid there on the ground for a minute. Gasping for breath, Twilight asked, “Everypony okay?” She got a chorus of various affirmative responses. Then Shining Armor came through the shield. Twilight immediately ran up to him in concern. “Oh no, Shining Armor, your horn!” Black crystals were growing out of his horn, as though they had been embedded there. He winced a bit as his horn sparked when he tried to do magic, but the glow didn’t go past the crystals.

I stood up and grabbed my axe, but it didn’t feel quite right. I noticed it too had those black crystals embedded in the head. All I could do was stare at in disbelief for a moment, and that was long enough for Pinkie to notice. “Oh no, Axe Cop, your axe!”

With a frustrated scream, I whipped my axe into the ground and stomped off away from the group. I stayed inside the shield, but I didn’t really want to be anywhere near anyone. I heard a set of hoofsteps begin to walk towards me, but suddenly they stopped and I heard Pinkie’s voice. “Let him go, Lyra. He just needs some time alone.” She raised her voice a bit, clearly addressing me as I continued to stomp away. “We’ll be at the palace when you feel better.” I made no move to respond, I just continued around the perimeter of the Empire as the ponies headed for the palace.

There was a wide ring of grass between the city proper and the shield, with occasional crystal outcroppings in the grass. As I passed them, I noticed the wide variety of colors the crystals had. A couple hours later, I had made it about halfway around the Empire. I stopped because I noticed a particular crystal cluster that had bright red, white, and yellowish-brown crystals, and the colors reminded me of my axe. Looking around a bit, I found a small broken-off chunk of crystal nearby, so I grabbed it and started chipping away at the big outcropping.

After a few hours of chipping, I had managed to carve out a relative facsimile of my axe, though it more resembled the papier mâché monstrosity I had taken to the con than the proper perfect axe. With barely a moment of consideration, I started chopping away at the remains of the cluster with this axe, and in only about another hour, I had carved out a near exact replica of the perfect fire axe, even down to the colors. As I picked up my new crystal axe, I noticed an odd stone among the rubble; it was vaguely pineapple-shaped, with a red and green swirl pattern on it. I thought it looked interesting, so I picked it up and tossed it in my backpack.

Now that I had a new axe, I needed to dispose of this other terrible thing. I cleared out an area among the rubble, laid the first axe in the clearing, and took a step back. With a cry of “I WILL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF!” I struck the handle just below the head. Instead of merely breaking, the axe exploded into thousands of tiny axes, far more than could even have been made from the amount of crystal in the axe, which flew off into the sky in all directions.

After I stood there stunned by confusion for a few minutes, I shook my head to clear my mind. With my new axe in hand, I headed for the crystal palace, determined to help stop this King Sombra. He’s pretty strong, but he’s no King of All Bad Guys. I’ve beaten the King of All Bad Guys. Well, Axe Cop did. Close enough.

As I approached the palace, I saw an odd collection of stands set up on the sides of the roads nearby. Oh, right, they had to do the Crystal Fair to cheer up the crystal ponies and power up the heart. I wondered if there was anything I could do to help with that. Up ahead, I noticed Twilight standing under the palace, next to the fake crystal heart. I looked up just in time to see Rainbow Dash grab the flag off the top of the palace, swoop down, and throw it over the heart. Picking up my pace, I reached back, hung my axe from the side of my backpack, and grabbed a flashlight from inside it. Waving it around, I herded back the approaching crystal ponies. “Nothing to see here folks, go on back and enjoy the rest of the fair.”

As the beam of light passed across one of the ponies that was walking away, a white-coated stallion with red and brown stripes in his mane, I noticed something odd; his eyes seemed to glow as my light passed across his cutie mark, which was a sewing needle with a piece of thread looped through it. I quickly ran up to him, tapped him in the back, and gestured for him to step aside with me. With a confused look, he cautiously followed. “I noticed something unusual about you that I’d like to investigate further. Don’t worry, you’re not in any trouble.” He didn’t look any less confused, but he seemed to calm down a bit. “Look up at the sky,” I told him, and he complied. “Now hold that pose for a minute.” He nodded a bit. I pointed my flashlight directly at his cutie mark, and his eye on the same side glowed. As I moved it closer, his eye glowed brighter.

“Is this hurting any?” I asked.

He shook his head a bit. “N-no. I can sort of see a glow around the edge of my vision in that eye, but it doesn’t hurt.” I put my flashlight right up against his cutie mark, he jumped a bit from the contact, and a beam of white light shined out of his eye. “Still doesn’t hurt, and I can see the light shining out.”

I flicked off my flashlight. “Okay, now look down at the ground.” He did, and I turned the flashlight back on. The beam shined out of his eye again, and didn’t seem to be affecting the ground any.

I switched the flashlight back off and turned to look him in the face. “Would you like to help out with the Crystal Fair? If I can find a few more crystal ponies that can do this, we could probably put on a good show. You know, raise everyone’s spirits.”

“Would I? I’d be honored to be part of the Crystal Fair! My name is Agate Needle, do you need help finding more, uh... performers?”

“Performers, that sounds good. Call me Axe Cop. I could use help, yeah. It’s tough to watch both ends of a pony at once. I need to talk to Purple Smart first, though. Wait here, Agate.” He nodded and I walked back over to the fake crystal heart to find her panicking. I shoved my flashlight in my back pocket, knelt down, grabbed her by the sides of the face, pulled her close, and yelled, “TWILIGHT! Get ahold of yourself!”

Her ears pinned back and her eyes snapped open, but her breathing seemed to slow a bit. I let go of her, and she started doing that breathing exercise that Cadance taught her. Hissing through her teeth, she whispered, “What am I going to do!? I didn’t know there was an actual crystal heart we needed to find!”

“First thing you’re going to do is not panic again. Second thing, I need something that can project light like this,” I pulled out my flashlight and demonstrated. Her eyes lit up (figuratively) and I quickly turned the flashlight around and tapped her on the nose with it, eliciting a squeak sound. “No. Bad Egghead. You can nerd out over this later. Right now I need at least ten objects about this big,” I held my hands up to show a circle of about five inches diameter, “that can produce directed light like it. Can you manage that, quickly?”

She looked... displeased, but understanding. “Easily.” She trotted over behind a nearby building and, a couple minutes later, came back with a stack of ten crystal disks floating in her magic. “I carved these out of the ground, and put simple enchantments on them. They should be pretty sturdy, but try not to drop them anyway. Tap it twice to turn it on or off, and the opposite side will light up.” She made as though to give them to me, but pulled back a bit. “What do you need these for?”

“It’s a secret, but I assure you, everyone will like it.” Apparently satisfied with that, she passed them to me. “Now you should go talk to your brother and sister-in-law about the crystal heart.” She looked like she was going to panic again, but she did that breathing thing a couple more times, nodded, and then took off up the stairs. I headed back over to Agate. “Okay, that’s taken care of. Now I need you to help me find three or four more crystal ponies whose eyes glow when light is shined on their cutie mark, and then I need to find someone to make something to hold one of these things over each cutie mark of a pony.” I held up the stack of discs, took one off, and double-tapped one side, making the other project a beam just like my flashlight.

“I’m a tailor! After we find a few more performers, we can all go to my store and fit them for sashes to hold the lights, that should be adequate.”

“Perfect, let’s go.”

At that exact moment, the shield started to flicker, then disappeared completely. “Ooh, right, I forgot about that. I should do something. Agate, don’t panic, I need you to help protect everyone until the princess can get the shield back up.”

“M-me? I’m just a tailor, how am I supposed to protect the whole empire?”

I pointed off into the distance. “See that big dark cloud over there that’s moving this direction?” He nodded. “Keep your eyes on it and don’t look away before the shield comes back up, no matter what.”

“N-no matter what?”

“No matter what.” I pulled two of the crystal disks off the pile and shoved the rest in my backpack, slapped one over each of Agate’s cutie marks, and tapped them twice to turn them on. Bright beams of light shot out of his eyes and hit the cloud, pushing it back a bit. The dark cloud writhed, almost as though it were in pain, but continued to push forward.

“It’s working!” he exclaimed, the joy evident in his voice. From my close vantage point, I noticed his coat slowly becoming more crystalline in appearance as his mood lifted, and the light pouring out of his eyes became correspondingly brighter, slowing the movement of the cloud greatly. I heard some hoofsteps slowly approaching, and I looked around to see a few other crystal ponies staring at us as they came closer. After about half a minute, the shield flared back to life, just in time to stop the cloud from entering the empire proper. Agate’s eye beams swept across the sky as he finally looked away.

All the nearby crystal ponies cheered and ran up to us as I turned off the disks and Agate’s eye beams went out. Among the appreciative, congratulatory, and victorious cries, I stood up and clapped loudly to get everyone’s attention. “We haven’t won yet, we’ve just bought more time.” The crowd’s mood dipped just a bit. “I need to find three or four more crystal ponies that can do what my friend Agate here can do, both to help protect the empire and to entertain for the fair, so anyone that’s interested, make a line here to be tested. Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt at all.” About half the crowd dispersed fairly quickly, but there were still a good number of ponies left.

It went fairly quickly, I just shined a light on their rump and Agate checked if their eyes glowed, but we went through over half the line before we found any ponies that had the effect. The first ones we found were three sisters, triplets in fact, that introduced themselves as the ‘Aurora sisters’ - Ruby, Emerald, and Sapphire Aurora. They had coats in colors matching their names, off-white manes tinted to match their coats, eyes in complementary colors to their coats, and even matching cutie marks - pictures of an aurora borealis in the same colors as their eyes; Ruby’s were cyan, Emerald’s were magenta, and Sapphire’s were yellow. Strangely enough, when I shined light on their cutie marks, their eyes glowed with the colors of their coats, not their eyes and cutie marks. “Hmm,” I said to Agate, “I wonder if it’s a family thing, or just random chance.” He shrugged in reply, and I asked the sisters to step to the side. We continued checking the rest of the line, but no more ponies had the effect... Not even Pinkie Pie, who had somehow snuck in at the end of the line. “Ponka, you’re not a crystal pony, what made you think it would work?”

“I dunno, but eye lasers would have been SO COOL to have, you know? They would be great at parties and I could light up a disco ball all by myself and–”

“Pinkie,” I interrupted.

“What?”

“Why are you here, shouldn’t you be helping with the fair?”

“Well Rainbow Dash wouldn’t give me a flugelhorn and so I went and tried to find some other way to help and I saw you walking around with a crystal pony - hi, by the way - and I thought ‘hey, our buddy Axe Cop must be hungry,’ so I tried to find you some food but all I could find was some crystal berries I hope you like them!” She had pulled a hoofful of crystal berries out of her mane and was offering them to me.

I took one and looked at it closely. “These are edible? They look just like pieces of the crystals around here.”

“Yep, see?” she said as she popped one into her mouth, crunched it a bit, and swallowed, then gave me her trademark huge grin, with what looked like tiny shards of crystal in her teeth.

With a shrug, I popped the one I had taken in my mouth and grabbed the rest out of her hoof as I started chewing. I was surprised to find it only slightly crunchy on the outside, with a chewy, gooey filling. Again I was stunned by the intensity of flavors in this world. I decided I was going to hang onto these berries for later, so I put them in a side pocket of my backpack.

While I was paying more attention to the flavor and texture of the berry than to her, Ponka had walked up to me and started tapping my leg with her hoof. Oddly, it was accompanied by a ‘tink, tink’ sound. “Axey, I think you might want to save the rest of those for special occasions. I think you forgot about the fruit thing.” I chuckled at that, I suppose a nickname was inevitable if I didn’t want her using my real name... wait. She just said something important. Looking down at myself, I noticed my entire body, clothes included, had taken on a crystalline appearance. I had become Axe Cop Crystal!

“Right, right, the fruit thing.” I fixed a glare on her. “Did you know this was going to happen?”

“Nope!” She pronked in place and flashed me a big toothy grin. “Well, that’s not entirely true, I saw the berries when I was looking for food for you and I remembered the fruit thing and I figured it might work with more unusual fruits too, so I grabbed you some, I didn’t know it would turn you into crystal.”

“Alright, I can work with this. Let’s head over to Agate’s tailor shop and get you all fitted for some sashes to hold your lights.” They all nodded, and we followed Agate to his shop, which was only a few minutes away. The holders weren’t difficult to make, it was basically a sash with open-sided pockets in each end, so we were heading back towards the palace in no time. I led my little entourage to an open area a few blocks away from the palace, and began to set up the performance.

I walked a large circle on the ground, instructing the four performers to take positions around it, and face down at the ground. Then I told Songsmile to go tell ponies to watch in this direction, after which she saluted and took off. “Here’s what we’re going to do - after I turn on all your lights, you’re all going to look at me and walk around in a circle, which should create a light show. Don’t stare at one area, move your eyes around to let the light scatter.” They all nodded in response.

Ponies were starting to gather nearby by then, so I sent around and tapped all the crystal discs to turn them on, causing each of my performers to shine beams of light at the ground. I stood in the middle of the circle and said, “Okay, start!” Just as I predicted, there was a glittery rainbow effect, just like you get from those plastic crystals found at novelty shops, but on a much larger scale. I could see the light passing through me, but I didn’t feel anything. Many of the nearby ponies stomped their hooves in applause, while moods and coats started to brighten all around.

If I squinted, I could see Squiggletail, Treekicker, and Speedycloud deflecting crystal ponies away from the fake heart, and looking up a bit more, I could see Sparklebutt spiraling around the upper tower on the underside of the stairs. Good, it was almost time. I cringed as one of them, I couldn’t tell which because they were all so close to it, bumped into the pedestal and sent the fake heart flying.

As the performers continued to circle around me and entertain the ponies, I noticed the shield starting to flicker again, enough that the darkness and snowstorm were visible outside it. That was my cue. I looked around quickly to figure out where Sombra was coming from, and I noticed his head was actually visible on the cloud this time. The audience started to panic, but I just pointed at Sombra and called out, “Performers! Aim your lights at King Sombra!” As they did, he roared in apparent pain. If I kept this up, he might not be close enough to get blown away by the heart. When the shield fell, I yelled, “Everyone stop! Look down!” I went around and turned off my performers’ lights while Sombra came rushing into the empire, dark crystals forming along his path, aiming for the crystal heart, which was a tiny glowing blue speck being followed closely by a tiny purple speck falling from the palace’s tower. I knew he wouldn’t bother with us when the crystal heart was right there. A huge dark crystal rose out of the ground, and Sombra took full physical form on the tip, as it extended to intercept the heart. Suddenly, a purple, pink, and magenta streak flew from the palace’s balcony, intercepting the heart before Sombra could get it.

Princess Lovebutt and Spike circled around past us and headed back for the area under the palace. “Behold, the crystal princess!” called out one of the ponies that had just been in our audience. I could see her from where we were, but I couldn’t hear what she said as she levitated the heart into its position under the palace. All of the crystal ponies took their full crystal forms and bowed towards the princess, and the very crystal the roads were made of began to glow.

“What? No. No! Stop!” Sombra’s voice echoed across the Empire. The glow in the roads flowed into the palace and gathered in the crystal heart, which released a burst of energy that covered the empire, blowing away any remaining dark crystals and even annihilating Sombra. That was followed by a multicolored beam of light that shot into the sky from the top of the palace, causing auroras in the sky above and blowing away the dark clouds surrounding the Crystal Empire. I could see the princess land on the palace’s balcony, and all the crystal ponies began to cheer.

As I walked back to the train platform with the Element bearers and Changeling Soldier, having recovered my axe, now clear of dark crystals, Rarity complained, as she was wont to do. “I do so wish it was permanent. Did you see how my mane just absolutely sparkled?”

“But good things are better when they’re... a Rarity,” Applejohn replied, winking.

“Awww!” Rarara laughed.

At the tail end of the group, Shining Armor spoke. “Everything's gonna be okay.” He looked at his sister. “You've gotta stop saving my rump like this. It's starting to get embarrassing.” She got a sheepish look, followed quickly by looking sad.

“It wasn’t me who saved you in the end. It was Spike.”

“It's just a test. Maybe she'll let you retake it.” Princess Lovebutt nudged him with her wing and gave him a scolding look.

“I don't think she's gonna give me a new test.”

The couple continued to have their silent argument as the rest of us loaded on the train and headed back to Canterlot.

Most of the Element bearers, Spike, Changeling Soldier, and I waited near the castle back in Canterlot while Purple Smart talked to Princess Sunbutt about her test. The little dragon was pacing in front of the double doors impatiently.

“She’s totally gonna lose it!” He breathed deeply a few times, trying to calm down. “Keep it together, buddy! Gotta stay strong! For Twilight–” One of the doors flew open, smacking him right in the face, and Sparklebutt jumped out the door.

“I passed!” All the girls cheered, and I even clapped for her. Then one of them started singing. The rest quickly joined in, even Changeling Soldier.

“Nope. I’m not getting caught up in this. See you girls on the train back to Ponyville.” With a wave, I took off across Canterlot.

Author's Note

Finally finished this one. Sorry for the wait. Squeezed in several ideas I had, as well as finishing off the Crystal Empire 2-part episode.

Still willing to entertain any suggestions for things that could happen in future episodes. I do have a few ideas that I plan to use for specific episodes, but not many.

AXE COP (Part 4)

The Purple One strained as her magic surrounded an apple, stretching and distorting its shape. With little else to do, I knew Ponyville was frequently the origin of the disasters that befell the Element bearers, so Changeling Soldier and I sat nearby, observing. As she relaxed and her horn went out, the apple snapped back to its original shape. “Try it again, Twilight! You can do it!” Spike encouraged. She wiped her forehead with a hoof.

“Phew! This spell’s a toughie! But I feel lucky this time! One, two–”

“–HIIIIII!” The Pink One came barreling in and caught her in a tackle hug, causing her magic to misfire and start to ricochet off of several surfaces. I quickly stood and drew my crystal axe, holding it up to deflect the errant magic back to its original target of the apple, which promptly transformed into an orange.

Twilight groaned. “Pinkie! Why’d you do that?”

“‘Cause hugs are funneriffic, especially when you throw one around a friend.” She wrapped her forelimbs around her own body in an impossibly elastic fashion. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Trying to turn that apple into an orange!”

Igor spoke up. “But you kinda threw her aim... off...” The diminutive dragon trailed off as he looked back to the toadstool table to see the apple had apparently turned into an orange, despite the misaimed spell.

“Hehe! Sure looks like an orange to me! Can I have a piece?”

Egghead looked confused. “Um, sure? Axel, could you...?” I nodded, and with two quick chops of my axe, the orange was quartered... only to reveal that the inside, instead of being segmented and pulpy, was solid and whitish. “Huh, I wonder why only the outside changed.”

“Could it be because I deflected the spell with my axe?” I asked.

Pinkie snatched up a piece of the apple-orange in her mouth and began to chew. “Mmm! Juicy! Tastes like eating an apple and an orange at the same time! Do me next, Twilight! Do me! Do me!” she said, as she began to pronk away.

“Possibly. Crystal Empire crystals may have some unusual magical properties, would you mind if I borrowed your axe for a while to examine it?”

“Not at all, go ahead. Just don’t damage it.” I laid the axe on the table and pulled my regular axe out of my backpack. She nodded, and lit her horn to move the axe to the side.

With a *doing* sound, Ponka collided with the White One, who happened to be walking nearby. “Ooooh, Rarity, wanna see Twilight turn me into an orange? It's gonna be funna-fun-fuuun!”

With a flourish of her blue magic, she removed the cloak she was wearing to reveal an elegant dress underneath. “As fun as creating this haute couture ensemble that I just finished making? Delightful, non?”

Songsmile gasped and put her forehooves to the sides of her face in surprise. “This is terrible!”

“I admit it's perhaps not my finest work, but I–” She was interrupted by a pink snoot being mashed up against her own.

“You had total-awesome-amazing fun and missed out on it?! Neh! Wait!” She bounced back over to Purple Smart and Junior, and began to bounce and prance around them. “What if there's more awesome amazing fun with friends happening somewhere in Ponyville right now that I'm missing out on too?!” She dashed off in a streak of pink.

“We weren’t gonna turn her into an orange! I swear!” Spike said to Rarara. She gave him a warm smile and continued on her way.

At that point I realized what episode was next after the Crystal Empire, and after I thought about it for a minute, I realized I should be fine here until Pinkie comes back. Twi started to study her notes again, and with a flash of golden light, Changeling Soldier summoned her lyre. As it floated in front of her, I noticed a quick flash of golden flame around her front hooves, followed immediately by a more typical golden magic aura. I cocked an eyebrow at her, and she responded with a smirk as she brought one hoof up to the lyre and moved it across the strings, strumming it with more dexterity than she had before. She beckoned me to come closer, then she leaned over and whispered, “I transformed by hooves into hands, then cast a simple illusion to make them look normal. It lets me play my lyre with much more precision!” I gave her an approving nod and leaned back on the bench next to her.

She sat back in her usual odd position, levitated the lyre closer, and began to play a soft, relaxing tune. I noticed almost immediately the effect it had on everyone nearby; ears rotated instantly to point at her, walking ponies quickly shifted their gait to match the rhythm of the song, and many ponies swayed and/or bopped to the music. I wasn’t even immune. She continued with the soothing music while Twi retried her spell.

“One, two–” I got a terrible sense of deja vu as that pink blur flew towards her, this time bouncing right off of her back, once again causing the spell to misfire. The surprise caused Changeling Soldier to drop her lyre, and it disappeared in a *POP* of golden magic. I didn’t have my crystal axe on me this time, and I was too relaxed to try to stop it anyway, so the spell rebounded off of a tree branch and towards a nearby pond to create the world’s first orangephibian. It croaked and hopped into the water. The pink blur came back the other direction, knocking over the table and causing the apple to roll across the ground, but this time Dr. Purple called out to stop her. “Pinkie!” The blur skidded to a stop, leaving a large rut in the ground with Pinkabetes sitting in it. “What in the wide, wide world of Equestria are you doing now?”

She bounced out of the hole and up to Sparklebutt and Minion. “Timing myself galloping back and forth between the swimming hole and Sweet Apple Acres.” Bouncing around the two in a circle, she continued. “I'm trying to cut down my time so if Rainbow Dash dives off the swing, I can get to Sweet Apple Acres to help with the barn raising,” The bouncing stopped, and she stood in front of them as she finished, “And then be back in time to see Rainbow Dash hit the water after doing a double flip!” She took a deep breath and sighed, then held up the stopwatch hanging around her neck. “If I can cut my time by only twenty minutes, I'm good.”

Twi laughed. “Oh, Pinkie. I'm afraid no matter how hard you try, the only way to pull something like that off is if there's more of you to go around.” She picked the table back up, and returned the apple to its position.

Pinkie’s head rotated jerkily in the completely wrong direction and made ticking sounds, then snapped back to its original position with the sound of a timer bell going off. “That’s it, Twilight!” She dashed up to the Purple One, knocking over not only her, but also the table again. “The Legend of the Mirror Pool!” Then she promptly dashed off towards the Everfree Forest.

“Legend of the who what now? Pinkie!? I’m familiar with loads of legends, and I never heard of–”

Junior interrupted. “Does this mean practice is over?”

“Of course not, back to work.”

Having recovered from the surprise that snapped me out of the relaxation, I spoke up. “Hey Purp– uh, Twi. Do you think it would be possible for you to enchant that crystal axe with a spell that would be cast when I hit something with it?”

She put a hoof to her chin, thinking for a minute. “It would depend on the thaumic malleability of the material, but it’s probable, considering the way you deflected my errant spell with it before.”

“Could you get it ready as soon as possible? I can’t tell you what I want on it yet because you don’t know the spell yet.”

She looked thoroughly confused. “What? How can you know I don’t know the spell you want me to enchant into it?”

“Can’t say. Pinkie Promise.” I held my left hand up over the left lens of my shades.

“...Alright. Enchanting is tricky, I can only wait so long for the spell to add to it without restarting the entire process, and I have to do a quick analysis of it first. So... if you can get back to me at the library with the spell you need in no more than four hours, then there won’t be a delay before I can put it on.”

I tapped my chin as I thought for a minute about the sequence of events in this episode. “Hmmm, yeah I should be able to manage four hours. Right now, I need to find a place to get a hair clip, like a pony might wear in their tail.” I held up a hand to preemptively stop her questioning. “It’s a gift, that’s all I can say.”

She nodded in understanding. “Well, I trim my own mane and tail, but I think most ponies get theirs styled at the spa, and Rarity sells a few accessories.”

Marshmallow Pone, I should have known. “Okay, thanks. I need to get going now, time is of the essence. I’ll be sure to get back to you in that time limit. Come on Ly–” I coughed a bit. “Chan–” I shook my head vigorously and quickly said with emphasis, “Lyra, let’s get going, we need to go to the Carousel Boutique.”

She smiled at my use of her actual name, though I hope she doesn’t get used to it, that was difficult to get right. “Alright, just let me dismiss this.” She clapped her forehooves together, and rather than the usual clop sound, there was a slap sound of skin on skin. She caused a quick flash of both golden flames and magic around her hooves, then clapped them together again to hear the expected clop sound, then she stood up and we headed across town.

As we stood outside of Rarity’s front door, I turned to Changeling Soldier. “Before we go in, I need to ask you two things.” She nodded and tilted her head inquisitively. “First, I’m going to need to buy something in here, but I still don’t have any money. What I need shouldn’t be too expensive, I hope.”

“Alright, that’s fine, I have plenty of bits and I can always busk a bit if we need more. What’s the other thing?”

“Well... this is both her place of business and her residence. Do we just walk in, or knock first?”

She pointed at the sign in the window. “If it says ‘open’, you just walk in. I guess not many humans live at their places of business, huh?”

“Not really,” I said as I pushed the door open, which rang the bell.

“Coming! Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique, and magnifique!” As the White One came around a corner, a look of surprise appeared on her face. “Axel! Lyra! I hadn’t expected to see the two of you here! Did you come by to have a change of clothes made? I don’t think I have seen you wear anything else since we first saw you at the wedding.”

“More clothes, huh? Might not be a bad idea at some point, but not right now. I need to get a small gift for P-Pinkie, and I need it quickly. I was thinking something like a hair clip, maybe?”

She pursed her lips a bit. “I don’t think a hair clip would work very well for Pinkie, considering her... active lifestyle, shall we say. Perhaps you might be interested in a tail wrap instead? Some of them are used for wrapping up the entire tail, for ponies who don’t want to cut it, but there are smaller, decorative ones that are worn just below the dock, and they stay in place much more securely than a mere hair clip. They’re fairly uncommon, but they can still be fashionable.”

I looked to Changeling Soldier. “She's got a good point, Pinkie is as hyperactive as a filly that ate an entire candy shop, and anything simply clipped to her mane or tail probably wouldn’t stay there very well.”

“That actually happened once, you know,” she informed me with a smirk. “As far as I know, Pinkie's still paying off her debt to Bon Bon.”

Rarara spoke up. “That’s what I said, dear. I have a few designs here that you can choose from, and I have a spell that will let me make them any color you desire, though I would recommend a sky blue, something like the color of Rainbow Dash’s coat, for Pinkie.”

“Sounds good to me. Just give me the one that would be simplest for me to put on her. How much?”

“For you, and since it’s a gift for Pinkie, no charge.” I started to protest, but she pressed the wrap into my hands and interrupted. “Ah-ah-ah-ah I won’t take no for an answer. I may find you... unusual, but after the things you’ve done for us, I consider you a friend, and friends do things for each other.”

With a smile, I bowed to her. “Why thank you Miss Ra-Rarity. I appreciate it. I really do need to be going now, thank you again!” I all but sprinted out the door, Changeling Soldier in tow.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“We need to get to the big clearing by the Everfree Forest, and fast. I hope we’re not too late.”

We arrived to the clearing just in time to see The Pink One standing next to an easel in front of a group of other Ponka Pos. She tapped the easel with her hoof, and the group said, “Pinkie Pie!”

“Excellent! Okay, let’s get on with this, folks. Fan out on three. One–” Every pony in the crowd, save the one standing next to the easel, took off in a series of cartoonish pink streaks. “Eh, good enough.” She began to pronk away. “La-la-la la-la-la-la!”

I ran up to her and tried to catch my breath from the long run. “Pink!” I gasped out.

“Oh, hey Axel, what’s up?” She continued to bounce in place.

Still breathing heavily, I gasped out. “Got... a gift... for you.” I held out the tail wrap. “It’s really important that you wear it.”

She immediately stopped bouncing and got a serious look on her face. “If you say it’s really important that I do this, then I believe you. What is it? I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it before.”

“It’s a tail wrap,” I explained. “You wear it around the base of your tail.”

“It’s really important that I wear this? If you say so. Put it on me!” She turned sideways in front of me and scooted close. Leaning over carefully, I wrapped it around the base of her tail and secured it snugly. She stepped away and wagged her tail around a few times. “I like it! Thanks, Axey! See you later!” She pronked off back towards Ponyville.

I turned my attention back to Changeling Soldier, to find her head down with one hoof on her forehead. “Please tell me I didn’t see what I just thought I saw when we got here. Please,” she said.

“Assuming you saw a mob of pink ponies that quickly dispersed, you saw exactly what you thought you saw,” I confirmed.

“They’re going to wreck Ponyville!” she exclaimed, waving her arms over her head.

“Ponyville itself, not really. They’ll just make a mess. Can you play your lyre while walking, and do you know a song that might attract the clones to follow you?”

She calmed down a bit and thought for a moment. “I do know a song, but I’ll need to practice playing while walking. The trip back to Ponyville should be enough.” She transformed into her semi-human bipedal form, summoned up her lyre, and started playing a familiar song as she marched back towards Ponyville. I got the biggest grin on my face and started marching alongside her, pumping my axe in the air like the leader of a marching band.

Once we reached the edge of Ponyville, I stopped pumping my axe and tossed it in my backpack, but continued to walk alongside Changeling Soldier. “Keep marching around Ponyville, see if you can get all the Pinks to follow you. I need to hurry to the library.” She nodded and kept marching along.

It only took me a couple minutes to reach the library. I threw the door open and yelled, “Egghead!” She was standing in the middle of the room, holding a book in her magic, and she turned to face me in surprise. I pointed at the book and declared, “That spell, right there. The one you have that book open to, that’s the one I want you to put on my crystal axe. Am I back in time?”

Looking back and forth between me and the book, she stammered. “But– How– You– What? Yes, you’re back in plenty of time but how could you possibly have known– You know what, I’m done asking. You’re as bad as Pinkie Pie, and that’s saying something.” She walked up to the table, which had my axe laying on it, and cast a quick spell at it. “There, there’s your enchanted axe. Now take it and go do whatever you’re going to do.” She levitated the axe towards me.

I grabbed the axe out of the air and hung it from my backpack. “Thanks, Dr. Purple! Any idea where I might find Renbow Dosh?”

She rolled her eyes at me. “Probably sleeping on a cloud, as usual.” I nodded and headed back outside, looking up in the sky for conspicuous clouds. Spotting one, I picked up a small pebble and whipped it at the cloud.

“Owww, what the hay?” A rainbow-maned head poked over the side. “What’d you do that for?”

“Dash, I have an important mission for you. I need you to find the Pinkie wearing a blue tail wrap, bring her someplace safe, then tell me when you have. While you’re looking, tell everyone else to get inside and take shelter. Once you do I’ll take care of the clones.”

She flew up from the cloud and saluted. “Anything for my friends!” she exclaimed, then flew off. I waited in front of the library for a few minutes, during which Squggletail, Yellowquiet, and Treekicker went in to check if Purple Smart had found a way to fix things. Not long after, Blue Fast returned, breathing heavily and hauling The Pink One along. “Found... her...” She dropped Pinks in my arms, falling to the ground herself only seconds later.

I set her down and checked her tail, to find the same blue tail wrap I had put on it only a short time earlier. “Good job, Speedycloud!” I said. She waved a hoof at me from her position on the ground. “Perky Pup, I need you to listen to me. You need to take RD here, go in the library, and don’t leave until I come and get you.”

“Not to leave the library, even if you come and get me.” She nodded.

“No, no. Until I come and get you.” I facepalmed. “Not the time! Just take her and get in!” She grinned and giggled as she picked up the Blue One and carried her inside, closing the door behind them.

Once they were gone, I noticed Ponyville had become mostly quieter than usual, outside of the approaching sound of a lyre accompanied by a chorus of “Fun! Fun! Fun!” I drew my crystal axe and headed for the sound.

As I got nearer, Changeling Soldier called out, “I think I got them all! Whatever you’re doing, do it quick, I can’t keep this up much longer!” With a nod, I dashed past her into the mass of Pink.

With a cry of, “I’LL CHOP ALL YOUR HEADS OFF!” I started swinging, and every clone I decapitated burst into a swirl of energy and flew off towards the Everfree Forest. Once the dust cleared, I saw Changeling Soldier had dived to the ground, covering her head with her hands.

Slowly she uncovered her head, shifted back to her normal pony form, and turned to look at me. “Could you warn me next time when you’re going to do something like that? Geez.” I just shrugged noncommittally at her as she clambered to her hooves. I headed back to the library to check on the girls.

I found them in a big group hug with Pinkie in the middle. Twi looked up at me and said, “Axel! I may not approve of your methods, but even I can’t deny you get results. How did you know what you knew, though?”

I looked to The Pink One, who gazed back at me with a serious look. “Is it alright if I tell everypony the how, but not the what?” She got a thoughtful look for a moment, then nodded. “Alright, you should all brace yourselves for this, because it’s kind of a doozy. In the world I come from, this entire world is fictional. It’s like... hmm, what would be an appropriate analogy... short movies intended for children, that have gained an adult audience as well. I have seen it myself, and while there wasn’t really a clear timetable, I have seen major events in what I assume is a couple years into your futures. I did Pinkie Promise not to tell anyone spoilers, though I can help out. This character I have become, Axe Cop, is fictional in my world as well. I don’t know how it happened, but I will use my strange powers and abilities to help out as much as I can. It is messing with my head a bit though... some of you may have noticed me using odd names for you, that’s part of it. Sorry if it bothers you, it takes an effort to intentionally use correct names.”

Dr. Purple looked up at me. “This is a lot to take in, but I for one believe it. The ‘strangeness’ that permeates things that occur around you as well as the data I’ve gathered from both the crystal axe and your regular axe, while you had abandoned it in the Crystal Empire, backs it up. As for the names,” she waved a hoof at me, “I’m sure we can all learn to deal with it.” The rest of them nodded, in varying levels of enthusiasm.

“Is that why you always call me Changeling Soldier?” Changeling Soldier asked. I only nodded in reply. She shrugged. “Now that I know, it won’t bother me so much, and I’ll know it’s something important when you go to the effort of using my real name.”

Pinkie spoke up. “Spike, take a letter.” Junior ran over to the desk and grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill. “Dear Princess Celestia, It’s great to have fun, but it’s even greater to have great friends, even if they’re not all ponies. And having lots of friends means that you sometimes have to make choices as to who you'll spend your time with. But that's okay, because good friends will always give you lots of opportunities to have fun. So even if you're missing out, it's never for long. Respectfully yours, Pinkie Pie.” With a puff of green fire, the letter was incinerated and sent on its way. “Ahh, now that that’s done, there’s just one thing I wanna do.”

“What’s that?” asked Flutterbutt. Ponka flopped over backwards on the ground, sighed, and started snoring, all the girls laughing quietly in response. “That looks like fun.”

Author's Note

The song is a modified version of this, pitched-up to sound more like a lyre than a piano.

AXE COP MAKES A FRIEND (Part 1)

One of the Apple family's cousins from Manehattan came to town, I assume for the Harvest Day Parade. I helped the ponies build some of the produce-shaped floats for said parade, but that was dumb and boring so I'm not going to talk about it anymore.

I happened to be nearby but out of sight when the Apples’ cousin, Babs Seed, was waiting for the train back to Manehattan, and I saw her confronting the two local bullies in defense of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

“So you’re leaving huh? Great! Now we're stuck here with these lame blank flanks,” said the pink one with a diamond tiara on both her head and her butt. I think that was her name, actually. Diamond Tiara.

“Hey! That’s not how you talk to my friends!” Babs retorted in her heavy Bronx accent.

“F-friends?” said Diamond’s cohort, the grey one with a silver spoon on her rump. Oh right, that was her name too. Did they get them changed when they got their cutie marks or something?

“Yeah, you got a problem with that?” Babs countered.

“Well, what if I do? What are you gonna do about it?” Diamond shot back.

“Tell your mothers about your bad attitudes!” Babs stepped forward aggressively, causing the two bullies to step backwards off the edge of the platform and fall into the mud. It was at this point I approached them.

“Have you two still been harassing those four fillies just because they haven’t found their cutie marks yet?” I stared down at them, using my comparatively towering height to my full advantage. They quickly looked at each other then back up at me when Apple Bloom spoke up.

“That’s them, mister Axe Cop! Ya gonna chop their heads off?” The bullies looked absolutely pants-wettingly terrified, that is if ponies wore pants.

Applehat lightly bopped her in the head with a hoof. “‘Bloom, ya know he only kills bad guys, and those two are still too young to be entirely unredeemable.”

As I slowly pulled my crystal axe out of my backpack, I continued to glare down at them. “It’s not their heads I’m going to chop off.” With four quick slashes of my axe, the two bullies screamed and there were several thin paper-like objects hovering in the air. I grabbed them and held them up to reveal they were the bullies’ cutie marks. With a sharp gasp, they quickly wiped the mud off their backsides to reveal their flanks were blank, at which point they screamed again. I folded them up and tucked them in my pocket. “You’ll get these back in a week. This is your punishment for your relentless bullying, and hopefully it will keep you from turning into bad guys in the future.”

The four fillies still on the platform stomped their applause while the Orange One just shook her head. “Ah still don’t approve o’ yer methods, but ya don’t fail to get results, Axe Cop.”

A few days later, as Changeling Soldier and I were leaving her house after I got my two minutes of sleep, I noticed a large crowd of ponies in front of the town hall. I figured something must be going on, so I went over to investigate. As I got close, a rainbow streak hit me in the chest and pushed me back. “You don’t need to get involved in this, it’s between her and Twilight,” Renbow Dosh said as she continued to push me away.

“Look Dashie,” I retorted, “You know I know what’s going on here, I just wanted a better look, that’s all.” She stopped pushing, but she still hovered in front of me with her hooves on my chest. “In fact, we’ll be heading out of town in a few minutes anyway. I just want to see this getting started.” Speedycloud finally backed off, albeit still reluctantly.

From the other side of the crowd, I heard a zap of magic, followed by a familiar whine. “You beast! This shade of brown should only be used for accents!” Rarara gasped, and a few seconds later I heard The Pink One.

“Come on Applejack, we’ve gotta get her in a nice soothing pink, stat!” I had gotten close enough to see Applejohn with the White One draped across her back in a gaudy dress walking away from the crowd, with Ponka in tow. From the other direction, I saw Dr. Purple and Igor walk up to the crowd, which practically parted to let them through.

“What’s going on here?” she exclaimed.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t... Twilight Sparkle!” Oh right, this was the return of Trixie.

“Trixie!” The Lavender Wizard showed her ability to state the obvious.

I crouched down behind the crowd and leaned over to Changeling Soldier. “Hey CS, we should get out of town while the getting’s good. I have some ideas as to how to deal with this, but they involve not being stuck inside the town.”

She facehoofed. “Great, now he’s abbreviating it,” she muttered to herself. Turning to me, she whispered back, “What was that about getting stuck in the town?”

“You know I can’t tell you, but we need to get going, like now.” She nodded, and we ducked around the corner of the nearest building and made our way out past Sweet Apple Acres, to the clearing between the farm and the Everfree forest. On the way, I asked her, “Do you know if there’s a lemon farm around here?”

“Nope, I don’t know any of the smaller farms.”

“Great. I guess we’re going to have to wait for Porchlight Spackle to show up, I bet she’ll know.” Changeling Soldier rolled her eyes, and with a flash of her golden flames, she transformed into a perfect copy of the unicorn in question.

In a mockery of Twi’s voice, she said, “Ohh, My name is Twilight Sparkle! I know everything there is to know because I’ve read all the books in the library, and Princess Celestia taught me everything that wasn’t in them!” With another quick flash, she transformed back into her normal pony form and looked a bit sheepish. “Sorry you had to see that. I was in the same class with her at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, and she always showed up the whole class and ruined the grading curve when she wasn’t going off to get instructed by the princess. It’s not fair, her talent is magic itself.”

I chuckled to myself. “You don’t like her now, just wait a couple months,” I muttered.

“What?”

“Nothing.” I pointed back towards the town, which had been covered in a giant inverted fishbowl shield while we weren’t looking. “Look, here she comes now.” Sure enough, Sparklebutt was walking right towards us. “Hey Torchlight! Before you head out to Zecora’s, you know if there are any lemon farms around here?”

“She doesn’t have nearly as many trees as sweet Apple Acres here, but Lemon Burst has a few lemon trees. Her farm is down that way, closer to Fluttershy’s cottage.” She pointed down the dirt path that ran between the apple farm and Shy’s place.

“Lemon Burst!?” I laughed and clapped my hands together. “That name couldn’t possibly be any more appropriate!”

Both of the ponies got a confused look. “Why do you say that? What do you need lemons for, anyway?” asked Purple Smart.

“I’m going to use them to blow up Trixie so we can get the Alicorn Amulet off of her!” Her jaw worked itself up and down while her mouth flapped open and closed like a fish. “Close your mouth Sparkle, you’re drawing flies.”

Once she recovered from the shock, she raised a hoof in a gesture that suggested she was going to chastise and/or correct me, then she just stopped. put it back down, and gave me an exasperated. “You can’t blow her up!”

I rolled my eyes at her. “Fiiiine, I won’t blow her up. Can I blow up her shield at least?”

“I don’t know how you’re going to do that with lemons of all things, but I don’t see a problem there.” She shrugged. “I should get going, I have to figure out my own way to confront Trixie.”

I nodded, and we headed our separate ways. “See, that’s another reason I like working with you, outside of you being a human. You say and do things that confuse Sparkle, and that entertains me to no end. Speaking of which, I don’t get that one either... how are you going to blow up the shield with lemons?”

“You’ll see. Oh, there it is.” I pointed at the lemon trees visible on the side of the dirt road up ahead, with a smaller farmhouse visible up behind them. As we got closer to the farmhouse, I saw there were a few big baskets of lemons sitting in front, with a sign nearby that read: 10 = 1 basket. There didn’t seem to be anyone around, though. Maybe they were in town when the shield dropped. “Hey CS, I need ten bits.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She levitated ten bits out of her saddlebag and left them on the front porch of the farmhouse. “So? What are you going to do with the lemons?”

“First, I’m going to eat one.” I grabbed a lemon, pulled my regular axe out of my backpack, sliced the lemon into wedges, stuck one on my axe, and ate the rest of it. “Now I’m Axe Cop with Lemon.”

She facehoofed again. “Come on, really? What are you going to do, cut her and squeeze that lemon wedge into the wound?”

“Help me load a basket of lemons into my backpack and I’ll show you.” I grinned.

“Is that much even going to fit?” she asked.

“Don’t be silly, of course it is.” I kept a couple lemons in hand, but the rest fit in my backpack with no issues, a fact which CS looked surprised to see. We made our way back towards the town, and stopped at the dirt road. As I wound up with one of the lemons, I yelled, “I’m gonna throw a grenade bomb and you’re gonna die!” I sent the lemon sailing through the air at the shield, and it exploded on impact. It didn’t seem to damage the shield at all, though.

Changeling Soldier’s jaw dropped open, then a few seconds later she began muttering to herself. “I really shouldn’t be surprised by any more at this point. Why does that, of all things, surprise me?”

With a scowl, I took off my backpack, set it in front of me, and flopped it open. Setting my axe down beside it, I started hurling lemons alternately with both hands, but I stopped after I threw something that clearly wasn’t a lemon. It was much heavier, and the wrong color, though upon impacting the shield it exploded like the rest of the lemons, but it was a multicolored burst. Was that the weird thing I picked up in the Crystal Empire?

An odd creature appeared from the rainbow explosion, spinning to a halt as it descended to the ground, while the remaining energy in the air coalesced back into that weird stone I found. The creature somewhat resembled a slender human female with pure white skin, and her blue hair curled down the sides of her head, where white spikes extended from her flesh. An odd golden gem seemed to be pierced through her chest from the back, splitting in two in the front, and her eyes matched it in color. She appeared to be wearing a black ball gown with matching evening gloves and a red armband, plus a small black top hat on her head. She settled to the ground facing the shield.

“The fuck is this thing?” she wondered, tapping at it with both fist and Market Gardener.

I thought her general shape looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t completely place it at first, then it struck me. In confusion, I said, “A pokemon? I didn’t think that was a pokeball that I found. Hello?”

She whirled around and brought a large shoulder-mounted device up aimed at me, before slowly relaxing. “Oh… uh… hi. I’m Cinder. Who’re you?”

I recoiled somewhat at the unfamiliar... weapon? but replied, “I’m Axe Cop, and this is Changeling Soldier.” I gestured at her, and she still had a stunned look on her face. “How did you get here?”

“You activated my Displaced Token, it was a rainbow colored grenade, if you’ll remember. Here, take it.” She held out her reconstituted Token and shouldered her launcher, gliding over towards me at a serene pace.

I accepted the Token back and stowed it back in my backpack. “Oh, is that what this thing was? I just thought it was a neat crystal or something. Wait, Displaced Token? Huh?” I asked in confusion. “Does this have anything to do with that weird guy that sold me this axe?” I gestured at the axe on the ground next to my backpack. “I was actually kidding when I asked him if it would send me to another dimension or something.”

“Well, he wasn’t. He’s known as the Merchant and he’s the source for most of us, the Displaced. The technical definition is any human or creature that’s been forced from its home Universe and sent to some other one. Though, to be honest, a fair amount of us were Displaced because we would have died otherwise. I was… well, you know what Australium is?” Cinder tapped at her chest gem and the edges of her eyes.

“Australium... wasn’t that a Team Fortress thing? So, you’re a heavily armed Pokemon?” Changeling Soldier had recovered by this point and was just taking in the conversation in interest.

Cinder nodded, showing off her armband denoting her as a Soldier. “In short, yes. But anyway, I was Displaced because a chunk of Australium smashed the planet into little chunks and ripped me and some rubble out of existence and into the path of a stray Void Dweller. But that’s enough about my shitty story. Us Displaced can be summoned by means of special Tokens; items containing a message that somehow pull us into the user’s reality, if we’re available. They can be anything, really, just like how mine is a grenade.” Speech done, Cinder took a bow and leaned against the glass bowl covering the town. “Any questions?”

“...Well, if that’s the case, I may have accidentally created a token just after I found yours. You see, I went with some of the ponies up to the Crystal Empire, but we got attacked by some big smoky shadow pony thing. I tried to fight it off with my axe, but all that happened was it caused dark crystals to grow on it. That totally threw off the balance, so I decided I needed a new one. I carved one out of crystal, but it was kind of crappy, so I used it to carve this one,” I pulled my crystal axe out of my backpack, “then I used this one to smash that one, but it exploded into a storm of tiny axes.” As I finished my speech, a tiny crystal axe popped out of the top of the full-sized one’s head. “Yeah, like that one.”

“...... I just remembered how fucking insane the Axe Cop comic was. You and I are gonna get along just fine, my friend.” Cinder picked up the tiny axe and shoved it into her belt pouch, lightly slapping me on the back as she reverted back into her normal RED and white coloring. In this form she looked more like the Gardevoir appearance I was familiar with, though the parts that would be red were golden, and the parts that would be green were red. She still wore the top hat and armband, though.

“Oh neat, that was a mega form? I heard about those but I didn’t get to play the last gen of Pokemon games.” I picked up my backpack and slung it back over my shoulders, shoving both axes back inside afterwards, and patted Cinder on the shoulder. “That psychic-talking thing you have going is pretty cool. I’m sure you can figure out what kind of stuff I can do if you already know Axe Cop, but what kind of things did you get from that mix of yours?”

She shrugged and held up an orb of shadows, playing with it and letting it orbit her form. “I can use every move a Gardevoir could, I can craft the things from Team Fortress using nothing but scrap materials and an anvil, I don’t take damage from rocket jumping, I can respawn at a pokeball… basically, a perfect blend between Pokemon and Team Fortress 2. It’s pretty great.”

I was about to speak again when Changeling Soldier nudged me in the leg. I looked down at her, and she tilted her head at the giant inverted fishbowl with a look of urgency. Smacking my forehead, I turned back to Cinder and exclaimed, “Oh right! I was trying to break that thing when you showed up, but it seems to be impervious to explosives. Too bad, that much glass blowing up would have been pretty cool. You have anything that might be able to break it? It was apparently created by a unicorn powered up by the Alicorn Amulet, if that means anything to you.”

“Well, I could try using my Rayquaker 9000.” Cinder held up her launcher and toggled a few buttons on its touchscreen. “Maybe using Dragon Ascent would work.”

I shrugged. “It’s worth a shot. I don’t have anything else to throw at it right now outside of hitting it with an axe, which I can’t really see working. That’s why I went straight to explosives. I also kind of wanted to blow up the unicorn responsible, but Purple Smart said I couldn’t.”

“Awww…. but explosives are fun!”

I nodded in agreement, then shrugged. “If you have anything that’s an energy-type of attack that might work better. Since explosives are basically just big impacts, I wouldn’t think they would work unless they’re like, big enough to destroy the surrounding area, and we probably shouldn’t do that. I kinda like this place, don’t want to see it get wrecked.”

Cinder tossed her launcher to the side, holding her hands up the her chest and focusing, a brilliant orb of light forming between her hands. “This is my Hyper Beam. Maybe this will work.” And with a mighty shriek of ionized air, the Hyper Beam slammed into the glass dome with the force of an angry Godzilla-stomp, splashing against its surface for a maximum damage output of… absolutely nothing at all. Twenty seconds later, Cinder collapsed to the dirt, panting and glaring at the unscathed glass surface with glowing golden eyes.

A few seconds later, the entire glass bubble shimmered and vanished. I looked down at Cinder. “Dang, you okay? I wasn’t sure if that would work either, but it looks like that thing was indeed virtually indestructible. I wonder why Trixie never came to see what we were doing...” I rubbed my chin in thought. “Once you recover, we should go watch the rematch between Trixie and Sparklebutt. I know what’s supposed to happen, but since we’re here, that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen exactly the same way. Also, we should probably try not to be seen. Changeling Soldier, can you turn into a pegasus and circle around? I might need the two of you to distract Trixie if things go sour.” She nodded, and with a flash of golden flames, her horn vanished as wings appeared on her back.

Cinder panted on the ground for a few more seconds before holding out her hand, silently asking for help. I gave her a hand in getting up, carefully pulling her to her feet. “Thanks, Axe Cop. Say, what even is your name? I mean before Displacement.”

“I don’t tell anyone here except friends, but it’s Axel. Yes, really. Go ahead and laugh.” I got a tight-lipped expression of mild frustration at previous reactions to my name. I hate those reactions so much.

“Axel? ….. Oddly appropriate, actually.” Cinder blinked twice, brushing the dirt off her dress and picking up her Rayquaker. “So… shall we?”

“Let’s do this.” I signaled Changeling Soldier to go do her part, and then led Cinder to where the rematch was to be held. From the angle we approached, we could see several ponies hiding behind a statue – Big Mac, Granny Smith, and Apple Bloom all painted up to look like Applejack, and Sweetie Belle painted up like Rarity. As we approached, Sweetie Belle noticed us and started pointing at us, causing the others to turn and look. I turned to Cinder and whispered, “Can you selectively broadcast your thought-speech, and can it work the other way around, can you ‘hear’ it if people think at you?”

“Yes to both,” Cinder replied, waving lightly at the ponies.

“Can you do something like a thought network, so a bunch of people can hear each other through you?” I thought at Cinder. “If you can, could you hook up this group of ponies here, then add a few more in the crowd over there after we get it explained?”

Cinder concentrated for a few seconds. “Ngh, it’s a bit straining, but I think I can keep this up as long as nothing breaks my concentration.”

“Thanks Cinder, I really appreciate it. Alright, everypony that can hear me, don’t worry, this is Cinder, she’s a friend. I don’t plan to interfere with what you’re doing, we’re just going to hide here with you.” All the ponies went wide-eyed when I started thinking at them, but they seemed to calm down fairly quickly.

“Hello, I’m Cinder. Nice to meet you.” Cinder waved again from where we stood.

The ponies looked back and forth briefly between us, then at each other, and some random thoughts were partly audible, but nothing understandable. One by one, they all nodded at us, and we drew closer. “Okay, now that that’s cleared up, can you just link me with the lavender unicorn over by the crowd?” I asked, peeking over the statue and pointing.

“Right… it’ll be a little extra, but nothing I can’t handle… hopefully.” She pressed her hands to her head, fins quivering and gemstone pulsing with a soft, golden glow. As she focused, her gem pulsed brighter.

I gave Cinder a smile of gratitude. “Egghead! Don’t react to this, just listen. I’m behind the statue with your friends and a new friend. I’ll introduce you to her properly later, but she’s the one that’s letting me think at you like this. I won’t interfere directly in the duel, but we’re here in case things go south. If you want to respond, just think the words.”

“Axel! I wondered where you had gone! I don’t think there will be a problem, as I have a plan, but thanks for being here anyway just in case. Also thank you to the new friend, I look forward to meeting you in person!” she replied.

At that point, Trixie spoke. “Let’s start with a simple age spell, shall we?”

“Let’s,” Purple Smart replied.

“Snips, Snails,” Trixie commanded. The zapping of magic was heard, followed by the crying of a pair of foals. “An oldie, but a goodie, ha. Now, let’s see what your little charm can do.”

“No problem. Um, Applejack, Rarity? Could you help me, please?” the Purple One asked.

Both of them replied with, “Huh?” and came closer to the statue.

“Those two will be coming around to this side of the statue shortly, could you just tell them your name and you’re a friend, and I’ll confirm it silently? Sorry for all the mental stress.” I thought at Cinder.

“No, no, it’s fine,” Cinder waved me off, concentrating even as her chest gem and eyes glowed and pulsed brighter and faster. “I need to work in more psychic practice anyway– haven’t had a lot of opportunity to do so.”

A zap of magic could be heard from the other side of the statue, and amidst a huge cloud of pink smoke, the two fillies could be seen to run around to the front of the statue, while their adult counterparts took their places behind. The White One gaped at Cinder in shock, but Treekicker shoved a hoof in her mouth before she could make any sound, glanced at me, then looked to Cinder expectantly.

Cinder waved, psychically reaching out to them with a little, “Shhhh~”

I threw an arm around Cinder’s shoulder and gave her a one-armed hug, while smiling and nodding at the new arrivals. “Sorry, I couldn’t think of any other easy way to indicate friendship when hand signs are right out.” The two ponies glanced at each other and nodded, the Orange One somewhat more enthusiastically.

Once the smoke had cleared more, Trixie could be heard to say, “Oh, ho-hum. So you can do an age spell, big deal.” Multiple further magic blasts could be heard, each followed by another burst of pink smoke and different pairs of ponies running back and forth around the statue. “That’s... That's impossible!” Trixie exclaimed.

“That’s nothing!” Dr. Purple retorted, and another zap of magic could be heard, further from the statue this time.

Several seconds later, a “Yow!” could be heard from the area of the crowd.

“How did you–” Trixie was interrupted by Sparklebutt.

“Duplication spell. Ever see one pony play ten instruments?” Another magical zap could be heard, followed by the sound of an entire band worth of instruments.

“This... just can’t be!” Trixie sounded aghast.

“Ooh, one more. I can turn a mare into a stallion.” With another zap and puff of smoke, Big Mac switched places with AJ.

“Eeyup.” Another zap and cloud and they swapped back again.

“Well, Trixie, looks like my amulet is more powerful than yours– why are you laughing?” she interrupted herself in confusion.

“Did you really think this simple sleight of hoof could fool the Great and Powerful Trixie? She uses more complicated illusions in her stage shows!” Suddenly the statue the ponies and Displaced were hiding behind was enveloped in a red magical glow and shoved aside.

I looked at Trixie in shock then turned to Cinder. “Oh crud, this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

Trixie grinned an evil grin. “With the amount of psychic energy that was being used over here, Trixie couldn’t help but notice you!” Her horn flared with a red glow as she snatched up all the ponies from behind the statue, levitating them in the air above her head.

“Oh shit. That’s not good,” Cinder understated, silently calling up a shadow ball from behind her back.

“Can you distract her? I might be able to get the amulet off if I can sneak up behind her.” I thought to Cinder. “Try to minimize collateral damage, if you can.”

“I’ll…. try…” Cinder took aim with her shadow ball, lining it up with Trixie’s head and launching it with deadly efficiency, six more trailing in its shadow. “Though… no promises.”

Trixie’s eyes got wide, she tossed the floating ponies randomly to the sides, and her horn flared brightly as she erected a shield to block the one shadow ball she could see. When it hit, she grunted in pain, and her horn flared even brighter.

As soon as I saw that Trixie was distracted, I ran around to get behind her, pulling out my crystal axe in the process. After the last ball hit her shield, I swung my axe with a primal scream, aiming for the clasp on the Alicorn Amulet. A tink! of crystal impacting metal could be heard, followed by a short scraping sound, and I followed through with the swing, lopping Trixie’s head off. Looking down at the now-headless body, I grabbed the Alicorn Amulet easily off of her neck stump and tossed it to the zebra in the crowd with a yell of, “Stripes! Catch!” She picked up a nearby wooden box and caught the amulet in it, snapping it closed afterwards.

Twi glared at me. “Didn’t I tell you not to kill her?”

Author's Note

Crossover with Cinder Guard from YOU WORTHLESS MAGGOTS AREN'T EVEN WORTH HITTING WITH A HYPER BEAM by Jsyrin.

This one ran a bit long, so I split it in two. Also I thought this would be a fun place to cut it.

AXE COP MAKES A FRIEND (Part 2)

Twi glared at me. “Didn’t I tell you not to kill her?”

“Awwww I wanted to blow her head off…” Cinder whined, gracefully stepping into view.

“No, you said I couldn’t blow her up, not that I couldn’t kill her. I didn’t mean to anyway, I figured the crystal axe might be able to cut the amulet’s latch, but it just skipped off and hit the thing behind, which happened to be her neck.” I scratched the back of my head. “By the way, this is Cinder, she’s the one that was letting me speak to you telepathically. Um... I don’t suppose you could, uh, not tell Celestia about what happened with Trixie?”

“NOT TELL CELESTIA? ARE YOU MAD?” Her mane and tail rose up, and with a flash of magic, burst into flame, and her coat glowed a bright white.

I took a step back from the fiery mare. “Wait, wait, wait, I think I can fix this.” Removing my backpack, I began to dig around inside. “Come on, where is it, I know I packed a roll to take to the con, damn stuff’s useful everywhere. Aha!” Pulling both hands out of the backpack, I held up a short, thick-walled silvery cylinder. “Duct tape! This worked in the comic, I really hope it works here...” I scooped up the azure unicorn’s head, lined it up on her neck stump, and wrapped several layers of the duct tape around the joint.

Sparklebutt was stunned. Her mane and tail continued to burn, but the look on her face was unreadable. “You’re just sticking her head back on? How is that supposed–” She stopped as Trixie’s eyes fluttered open and she began to clamber back to her hooves. “What?” Her flaming mane and tail sank back down and extinguished themselves, and her coat reverted to its usual color. “Nope, I’m done. You clean up the mess, I’m going back to the library.”

“Twilight,” Trixie gasped out, causing the lavender mare to pause. “I’m so sorry, after you ran me out of town last time, I became a laughing stock. Everywhere I went I was laughed at and ostracized, and I let my envy get the best of me when I bought that terrible amulet. I just couldn’t control myself. Can you ever forgive me?”

The Purple One visibly sighed. “Of course I can forgive you, Trixie, though it’s the rest of Ponyville whose forgiveness you might have trouble getting.” She turned her head and gave Trixie a wan smile. “Maybe I can put in a good word for you with the princess and you can join in the performance for the Saddle Arabian delegates.”

“You’d do that for me, after everything I did?” Tears started to fall from Trixie’s eyes, but she still smiled.

I spoke up. “Hey, we didn’t leave you dead. That should tell you something, huh?”

Cinder glided up behind me and crossed her arms, casually remarking, “Well, I woulda left her scorched and unconscious for a while, though that’s completely different, now isn’t it?”

“Well yeah, but if we left her too long she’d start to rot. I don’t know how long afterwards duct tape works, they only used it right after in the one comic they used it. Though the kid they used it on grew a second head afterwards.” Upon hearing this, everyone nearby turned to stare at Trixie for a moment. “I dunno how that would work on a pony, though.”

“... Perhaps it’d be better if I used a few healing moves on her?” Cinder muttered, circling around Trixie and examining the duct tape seal. “Hey, what happens if the duct tape comes off?”

Trixie got an intense look of fear and put her hooves to her throat. “Trixie doesn’t want to find out!”

“...Well,” Cinder poked around the seal keeping Trixie together, noting the feel of the flesh underneath. “It… seems like… your head is still unattached… but from what I can tell, it looks like it’s healing, albeit very slowly.”

I looked between Cinder and Trixie, then nodded. “If you have any healing moves that can be used on others, yeah that would probably be a good idea. I don’t know how well that tape is going to hold with fur, but I know taking it off is gonna hurt.” Trixie cringed a bit, but tried to keep her head as upright as possible.

“Of course, of course… now… lesse….” Cinder mentally scrolled through her move list, finally coming to a stop on Heal Pulse, releasing the move directly at Trixie’s neck in an expanding ripple of pink light and sparkles. “This might work, though I’m not sure how well pokemon moves translate to real world physics…”

I prodded gently at the duct tape. “It feels mostly solid, but there’s still a bit of a groove. Can you throw another at her?” Trixie carefully wobbled her head back and forth a bit, then gingerly nodded her agreement.

“Right, right…” Cinder’s eyes glowed as she cast another Heal Pulse, ripples of pink light expanding from her form.

Prodding once more at the tape, I nodded firmly. “Feels solid now. Okay Trixie, I’m going to take off the tape, because the longer it’s on there the more fur it’s going to rip out when it comes off. Brace yourself, this is going to hurt.”

“The Humble and Apologetic Trixie isn’t afraid of a little paaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” I removed the last of the tape, ripping a strip around Trixie’s neck mostly clear of fur.

I leaned over to look more closely at her neck, noting that the exposed skin was a slightly lighter shade of blue than her fur. “Huh, I didn’t expect that. Alright Trixie, you think you can help clean up this mess you made of the town?”

She blushed and lowered her head a bit. “It’s the least I could do after all the trouble I’ve caused.” Looking up to face each of us in turn, she continued, “Thank you, whoever you are, for getting that amulet off of me, even though you had to, uh... cut my head off to do it, and thank you both for... reattaching my head.” With a look of determination on her face, she got to her hooves. “Where should Trixie start?” Too Purple beckoned for her to follow, and the two walked away.

“Do you want to stick around and help clean up, or do you want to tell me how I send you back to wherever you came from, because I haven’t a clue,” I asked Cinder.

“Well, there’s not much back home but a bunch of decently easily repelled demon invasions, so I might as well take the time to relax and see what other Equestrias are like.” She shrugged and moved off, psychically lifting ruined areas back into their proper places. “So… you wanna help?”

I moved to follow Cinder. “Dang, you’re lifting more with your mind than I can with my body, or at least more than I could before I got Displaced. I haven’t really tested to see if I got Axe Cop’s insane strength,” I said. “I do know I got the sleep pattern, though.” I looked around and my eyes fixed on a huge statue of Trixie standing on her hind legs, probably twenty feet tall.

“..... Should we tear that down?” Cinder asked, tapping on it with her shovel.

“Let me try something first.” I bent down and wedged my fingers under the edge of the statue, and suddenly lifted it over my head with little effort. “Huh. Guess I got the crazy strength, too. Want to try shooting it out of the air?” Flexing my arms up and down a bit, I commented on its apparent weight. “This really doesn’t feel as heavy as you’d think from the size. I could probably throw it all the way to Ghastly Gorge.”

“Well, just toss it up and I’ll see what I can do.” She charged up a few attacks, letting them orbit behind her.

With a mighty grunt, I sent the statue hurtling over the Everfree Forest, nearly hitting a couple pegasi trying to push errant weather back. “Sorry! Clear the way, there’s more coming!” I called out. The pegasi looked at each other and dove to the ground. I repeated the action with several more similar statues.

Cinder took the opportunity to launch out her attacks on arcing paths, announcing each one as she fired, “Magical Leaf. Moonblast. Shadow Ball. Thunderbolt. Focus Blast. Energy Ball. Psyshock. Charge Beam. Will o’ Wisp. Icy Wind. Shock Wave. Signal Beam.” The sky lit up in rainbow colors as her attacks, repeated and set off in different combinations, slammed into the statues that I threw, shattering each and every one into little clouds of dust.

“Well, that was easier than I thought it would be,” I said, just then noticing all the ponies in the area had completely stopped what they were doing to gape at the two of us. “Okay, maybe that was showing off, just a little. I thought it was fun, though.” Taking another look around, I realized that there wasn’t actually much more cleaning up to do. “Looks like Trixie didn’t actually do that much damage, mostly just those statues and the flags with her face on them. I don’t know where she got those huge chunks of stone... maybe from the rock farm she worked at? Eh, whatever, the Everfree and Ghastly Gorge aren’t going to be hurt too much by an influx of fine gravel.” I looked back to Cinder. “You hungry? We could go hit Sugarcube Corner.”

“I’ve only ever heard stories about that place… mostly good ones… except the ones about Pinkie Pie occasionally.” Cinder stretched and flexed, rolling her shoulders and cracking her neck. “Let’s go, then. I want to see what they actually have.”

“But Ponka is the best part! I think my shenanigans frustrate Purple Smart almost as much as hers do.” I pointed towards the building, not far off, that looked just like a huge gingerbread house. “It’s right there. As much as it doesn’t match the rest of the town, I still think it fits perfectly.”

“It’s pretty nice looking. It’s not made of real gingerbread, is it? I mean, Equestria has some weird things, so a legit gingerbread house wouldn’t be too surprising.”

“Probably not. If it were, I’m sure they’d have trouble with critters snacking on it.” As we walked in the door, just after the bell rang, a pink blur smacked into me, knocking me off my feet, then resolved into a very pink pony, hugging me tightly.

“Axey! You saved Ponyville! And you made a new friend!” She hopped off of me and moved in front of Cinder, pronking in place as she talked. “Hi! I’ve never seen you before today and that means you’re new to Ponyville and I need to throw you a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party! My name’s Pinkie Pie, what’s yours?” She stopped bouncing and held out a hoof.

“I’m Cinder. Cinder Guard. Nice to meet you.” Cinder shook Pinkie’s hoof gingerly, a little surprised by her exuberance.

Pinks recoiled slightly and gasped loudly. “Okay Axey, I know what you want, but Cinder, what flavor do you like? Sweet, mint, citrus, mocha, or spice?”

“Hmmm…. I prefer Citrus.” Cinder tapped her chin as she thought.

“Citrus it is!” The Pink One disappeared back into the kitchen in another pink streak.

“It may sound strange, but you really do get used to her antics,” I explained as I stood up. “Especially the hugs. Those can come out of nowhere. Let’s go find a seat, she never takes long.” I led Cinder over to the tables, and we sat down. “Funny story, apparently Pinkie reads the Axe Cop comic. I don’t even know how. She totally called me out on not being the real Axe Cop not long after I got here.”

“Huh. Well, that’s interesting. I haven’t met my Pinkie yet… she’s holed up somewhere in Canterlot with the rest of the Elements of Harmony… except Princess Twilight, she’s dealing with the southern front.”

“Holed up? Southern front? And you mentioned demons earlier... man, frankly your Equestria sounds like kind of a hellhole. No offense.”

“It almost is a hellhole. There’s demons invading from the east, west, and south. Half of Equestria is gone, most of the cities are damaged in some way, Ponyville is nearly destroyed, and the Eastern Front is… well… it’s a frontline and one of the only lines of defense at this point. It’s not fun. My friend, Heinrich, is on the west, and from what he’s reported… it’s not much better over there.” Cinder sighed, playing with a spoon, bending it and unbending it with her mind.

“Here comes your snacks!” Perky Pup called as she walked out of the kitchen, balancing two trays on her back. On one sat what appeared to be a miniature two-layered cake with white frosting and a lit candle on top shaped like Axe Cop holding up two axes, and on the other was six small, spherical orange puff pastries, each with a twist of matching frosting on top. She sidled up to the table, and with a swing of her hips, both trays slid off and stopped directly in front of their intended recipients. She dropped two fresh bundles of silverware on the table, and with a call of, “Enjoy!” dashed back to the kitchen.

“Wow, she is fast…” Cinder mumbled, picking up a Pokepuff and nibbling at it. “Hey… these are pretty good.”

I blew out the candle, pulled a knife out of the silverware, and sliced up my cake. “It’s all part of Pinkie being Pinkie. Heck, as much crazy stuff as she does in peaceful times, she could probably be a terrifying force of destruction in a war.” Picking up a slice, I took a bite. “Mmm, red velvet. That’s a new one. Haven’t had a flavor yet that Pinkie didn’t make fantastic.”

“Hmmmm~” Cinder mumbled around her mouthful, enjoying the citrusy taste of the pastry. “I can totally believe that.”

“I can box some up for you to take back, if you want!” yelled The Pink One from the kitchen.

Cinder called back, hand unnecessarily at her mouth as if to make the words carry farther, “That’d be wonderful, thank you~!”

As I finished up his first slice of cake, I looked between Cinder’s hand and mouth in confusion. “I just realized, I don’t think I’ve heard you actually speak since you got here, only the telepathy thing.”

Cinder froze, eyes widening as she sat ramrod straight. “A-ah… ahah… you noticed, that, didn’t you… Eheh… ehehehehe…” She shifted immediately into a slight slouch, a massive blush working its way across her face as she scratched the back of her neck. “It’s… kinda embarrassing…”

I thought this over for a moment, then it struck me why she didn’t talk. I gasped lightly and covered my mouth. “Oh geez, it’s the ‘being a pokemon’ thing, isn’t it? I’m sorry for bringing it up. Now that I think about it though, I kinda feel sorry for anyone that got or gets Displaced as a non-psychic type... I can imagine they’d have a heck of a time communicating at all.”

“Lemme tell ya, when someone has mental shields it’s a problem all its own.” Cinder motioned with a fork as she ate, drawing little diagrams in the air with glowing lines of psychic energy. “See, like, they got this whole barrier around their minds which makes normal telepathy a lot more difficult to get through, and sometimes it just bounces off and hits the wrong target. And don’t even get me started on when it bounces right back and the psychic feedback effect happens. Not fun. At all.”

...Okay, I was confused again. “Wow. I, uh... don’t really have a baseline to compare to psychic feedback. The closest I could think of is audio feedback, like when you have a microphone too close to the same speaker it’s connected to. Wait, you were human, right? From an Earth with technology and all? I’m not sure if they have that kind of thing here, the tech levels are all weird because of the magic.”

“Yeah, I was human. Psychic feedback is… hard to explain. It’s kinda like mixing a hangover, audio feedback, hammers to the skull, and a flashbang to the face, in varying degrees of intensity depending on how bad it is. Usually it’s just a minor annoyance, but as far as my body’s memories go? The worst case scenario is leaking your brain out of your ears.” Cinder shivered, calming her nerves with another bite of Pokepuff.

I cringed at that. “I can imagine leaking brain would be... unpleasant, to say the best.” I cut another slice of cake as I continued. “Have you met many other Displaced? Any I should watch out for, in either a good or bad way?”

“I’ve only met one other… and he’s now my boyfriend… so I can’t really tell you a whole lot. Well, I mean, I guess you could tell how a Displaced would generally act based on their wording for their Token Message, but those tend to be… boastful and speech-like and pretty stupid.” Cinder shrugged as she finished her Pokepuffs, casually wiping her mouth with a napkin as she did so.

“Token Message? Great, first I accidentally made a Token, then I don’t know if I actually put a message in it or not.” Il slumped a bit and took another bite of cake. “How do the messages work, anyway? I don’t remember getting any sort of message from yours.”

“Well, they’re supposed to play automatically when you find a Token, but apparently some of them actually require you to focus on them for the message to play. I guess mine is one of the latter. Hey, Axel, that reminds me, do things here work out like they do in the Axe Cop comic?”

“Depends on exactly what you mean by that. I know I’ve found I can do just about anything that Axe Cop has been shown to do, and when I killed the changeling queen and Cha-” I coughed and shook my head, “I mean Lyra, got splashed with the blood, she became part changeling, kind of like Flute Cop with the dinosaur blood. You saw her transform just after you got here. I’m not sure if things just work that way in general here, or just around me, but I can tell you the weirdness has been happening. I’ve also had this compulsion to use weird nicknames for the ponies around me, but I can overcome it if I focus. I don’t usually bother, though.”

“Yup, that’s exactly what I wanted to know. Hmmm… not a whole lot else to do here, is there? I mean, my home is just action day in day out, but I guess a little bit of nothing is cool too.”

“Not really. I mostly help around with general stuff between, uh... episodes.” I leaned forward as though to whisper, then I remembered I could just think at her, so I leaned back in my seat and did that instead. “Was this a TV show for you before you got Displaced too? I don’t want to say it out loud; I’ve only told the Element Bearers, and ponies can get pretty panicky.”

“Actually, it was. Well, I say was because the planet got blasted into a trillion little pieces by a Mars sized chunk of Australium.” Cinder nodded, sitting back and lightly patting her stomach.

“Did you watch it? I saw enough that I know what would be happening if I wasn’t here, for about...” I rubbed my chin in thought, “the next year and a half or so? They never were too solid with time in the show, and I don’t know exactly how far off it is before Sparklebutt gets turned into an alicorn. Eight episodes or so, but that could be anything from a couple weeks to several months, though I’m leaning toward the longer side.”

“Hmmmm…. I didn’t really watch much of the show, just bits and pieces… I do remember the Twilicorn thing going around on the internet for a while, though.” Cinder tapped her chin thoughtfully, unintentionally making an incredibly adorable gesture.

I smirked a bit at that. “Oh yeah, the nerd rage over that was hilarious. Last I knew there were even people that denied anything from that episode on even existed. I did see another whole season and then some beyond that, though.” I continued out loud. “Just thinking about it, I have to wonder if there are any more pokemon Displaced, or maybe trainers, even. Admittedly, it’s kind of weird to meet a real pokemon, when I’ve only ever seen them on screens before.”

Punky Pout trotted out from the kitchen with a large pastry box on her back. “Here you go Cinder, a king-sized sampler, one dozen of each flavor! No charge for you guys, because you’re friends. Are you going to be able to stick around long enough for your ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party? I can get it started in two shakes of a pony’s tail if you’re ready!”

Cinder’s eyes grew wide at the sight of the box, a cutesy smile coming to her face as she gasped in delight, “Woooow~! Oh this looks so wonderful~! A-ah! A party? E-eh… I’m sure I can, actually! Yes! I haven’t been to a party in months!”

Pinkabetes gasped loudly, a look of shock coming to her face. “Months!? We’ll have to remedy that right now, missy! Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back.” She dashed off to the kitchen, and returned without the box. “It’s in the fridge with your name on it, you can come back and get it before you leave. And now...” In what appeared to be an impossible gesture, Pinkie shoved both front hooves deep into her mane, pulled out her party cannon, set it on the floor, and reached her hoof towards the trigger button.

I looked towards Cinder to try to catch her gaze as I slammed my hands over my ears. “Cover your ears, quick!”

“Oh shit.” Cinder clapped her hands over her ears, and used several pokemon moves I didn’t immediately recognize over the two of us. “Ears covered, hitting the deck!” I ducked under the table as well.

The moment the trigger button was depressed, an implausible amount of confetti, streamers, and balloons shot out, accompanied by a deafeningly loud party horn sound. The streamers and balloons conveniently fell exactly where they needed to be, covering virtually every surface in Sugarcube Corner’s dining room. Immediately thereafter, she shoved the cannon back into her mane and dashed out the door in a pink streak. Seconds later, ponies started filing in and began to party.

Cinder released her protective barriers and grimaced when a pile of streamers and confetti fell into her hair and covered her top hat. As she picked the offending paper from her hat band, she psychically cleaned it off of me as well and made sure none of her weapons would clog due to accidental jamming. “Okay, what the fuck just happened.”

I climbed back into my chair and shrugged. “Party cannon. Not dangerous, but really darn loud if you’re this close when she fires it. Oh, and before you ask how she stores it where she does, don’t. The greatest minds in Equestria have yet to figure it out.”

“... She kinda scares me now. I like her, but she kinda scares me.” Cinder glided away, mingling with the rest of the crowd as they filed in. Many of the ponies greeted her by name as they entered, along with offering a warm welcome. She gratefully expressed her thanks, though at one point she had circled back to me and asked, “How do they all know my name? It’s kinda weird.”

“Pinkie probably told them when she invited them to the party. That’s her usual M.O. when organizing ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ parties, and anyone Pinkie considers a friend is generally accepted pretty quickly,” I explained. “It’s kind of amazing, she says she knows everyone in Ponyville, and she really does. She never misses birthdays or other reasons to throw parties, and she’ll often make up reasons if one can’t be found. There was never a place this friendly back on Earth.”

“You got that right. Best I got after I moved to college was a facebook message from my old friends. Well, if I was home, I got dinner, but that’s about it.” Cinder at this point was starting to look a bit wobbly, but she was clearly happy about it. She almost looked like she was getting drunk. “Oh jeez, it’s so happy in here~ If it gets any better I might get a contact high just from the resonance~” Already she had a smile and a light blush permanently glued to her expression, drifting around in a carefree manner.

I chuckled. “If you’re getting high off this, just wait until Pinkie gets back, she’ll get you smashed in the best possible way.”

“Ohhhh~ Dear~” Cinder giggled, clearly having the time of her life, “I dunno if I can take any more of this~”

With a cry of, “Come on everypony, LET’S PARTY!” Ponka Po came barreling back in the room, pulled a record player from her mane, and started up some lively music, causing most of the party guests to start dancing in various ways. I just smiled and bobbed my head to the music, as it’s a bit awkward to dance with ponies half your height.

Meanwhile, as the emotions in the room spiked to an all time high, Cinder spun in a dizzy circle, dancing woozily to the beat with a massive grin stuck permanently to her face.

I got up and moved closer to the wobbling pokemon. “You okay there? Looks like you’re using Teeter Dance.” I smirked and danced along with her, careful not to knock into any ponies, and gently directing her to do the same.

“So many happy vibes~! It’s really messing with my heaaaaad~” Cinder giggled and danced with me, wobbling back and forth with a massive blush upon her face and unfocused eyes.

After a little while, Pinkie approached me with a concerned look on her face. She nudged my leg firmly to get noticed, and I crouched down so I could hear her. “Is your friend okay? She looks, well... drunk, and I’m not serving any booze at this party.”

I smiled and shook my head. “She’s fine, or I hope she is anyway. You know how she talks psychically?” She nodded. “She’s apparently sensitive to strong emotions, and the party is really getting to her. She might need a bed when the party winds down, though.”

Songsmile reared up and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. “You’re a good friend. You take care of her. There’s not a spare room, but you can put her in my bed upstairs if you need to. It’s the second door on the left.” I hugged her back and nodded, then stood back up and continued protecting both Cinder and the ponies from collisions.

As the party went on, Cinder’s condition only continued to deteriorate. She stumbled and weaved, as if she was incredibly drunk, and at one point she had spun in place until she fell over. I dashed up as I saw her spinning and just barely caught her. “Come on, let’s get you to a bed, you should probably lay down for a while.”

“Whoooooooo~! Spinny spinny~!” Cinder shouted out, giggling and collapsing into a heap in my arms.

As I carried Cinder upstairs, The Pink One took notice and dashed across the room to the record player. She turned it off, grabbed the horn from it, and announced, “Sorry everypony, party’s over. The guest of honor needs to get some sleep, so we should quiet down.” There were a few groans, but everyone calmed down and made their way out with little protest, though it sounded like a few lagged behind to buy some sweets to take home.

Upstairs, I easily found Pink’s room and put Cinder in her bed. “Are you going to be okay? It sounded like Pinkie called off the party when she saw me carrying you up here, so the emotional rush should calm soon.”

“Uuuuhhhhhhhhh my head……..” Cinder moaned out. “Months of fighting on the front lines and being totally fine…. and I get a contact high from being in the same room as a bunch of partying ponies. What the fuuuuuuck.”

“Do you need anything? Water? Aspirin or something? ...Do they even have painkillers here?”

“No, no… just… ice… Ice would be good… I’d ice my own head, but I can’t even concentrate enough for an Ice Punch right now…” Cinder mumbled, futilely rubbing at her temples.

At that moment, Perky walked in the room with a hot water bottle clenched in her teeth. “Ah brah ya sahn ahh.” Setting the bottle down on the edge of the bed, she repeated herself. “I brought you some ice.”

I patted her on the head. “Not a clue how you knew, and I’m not even going to ask.”

She leaned into the petting. “Well, it was pretty obvious she would want ice, she basically seemed drunk downstairs, and ice often helps that.”

“Thanks…” Cinder grumbled, placing the bottle full of ice under her top hat and miserably sitting in bed. “Well… aside from that damn emotion-high, this has been a really fun visit so far.”

“I have to admit, it’s been nice having company that understands me better than ponies do, no offense, Pink.” The Pink One waved a hoof at me dismissively. “Do you think your Equestria is doing alright without you, though? It sounded like they’re having trouble fighting back the demons, and you seem like you’re really strong.”

“Well, if they handled the demons without me for six months, I’m sure they can handle them for another day,” Cinder moaned out, nursing her headache. “But, be that as it may… I think I should probably get home before they run into something worse than an Alpha Demon.”

“Oh dang, yeah that sounds like it could be a problem. So, how do I send you back? ...And is it as explosive as your arrival?” I asked.

“Uh… right. Well, just kinda… hmmm…. Okay, repeat after me,” Cinder began, standing gingerly and strapping on her equipment. “Actually wait, we should take a detour for those Pokepuffs.”

“Oh, right. Ponka can go grab the rest of the girls and CS to see you off too, right Pinks?” Pinkie nodded and saluted, turning into a pink streak as she left the room and zipped down the stairs and out the front door. “Come on, we can meet them outside, and I bet she left the box on the counter on her way out.”

“Right, right.” Cinder descended down the stairs, noticing that Pinkie had indeed left the box of Pokepuffs on the counter. She picked it up and glided outside, taking note of each of the ponies approaching to see her off. “Hm, didn’t actually expect much of a proper send off, I’ll admit.”

“Yeah, after the help you gave, and how much of a helpful friend you’ve been to me, I’m sure they didn’t want to miss it,” I replied.

Twilight stepped forward. “I’m sorry you had to come at such a troublesome time, and I wish we could have gotten to know you better.” All the others voiced their agreement. “We’d be glad to have you back sometime. Any friend of Axel’s is a friend of ours.” I smiled in response to that, then extended a hand to shake Cinder’s.

Cinder took my hand and gave it a firm shake, backing off and saluting all six ponies and me with as much formality as she could muster. “It was an honor to be here.”

I returned the salute. “It was an honor to have you, even if it was accidental.” I smirked.

Ponka called out, “Enjoy those Pokepuffs! Don’t eat ‘em all at once!” She waved a hoof over her head in a flailing manner.

I relaxed and scratched the back of my head a bit. “Okay, now how do I do this?”

“Ah! Right! Repeat after me: Cinder Guard, our contract is complete.”

“Alright. Cinder Guard, our contract is complete. Hope to see you again, call me if you need anything.” I waved with a smile.

As Cinder faded away in a shower of rainbow sparkles, she smiled and waved goodbye, sending one last salute at me. “And call me if you need anything as well. Goodbye Axel, I hope to see you again.”

And with that, she disappeared.

Author's Note

Crossover with Cinder Guard from YOU WORTHLESS MAGGOTS AREN'T EVEN WORTH HITTING WITH A HYPER BEAM by Jsyrin.

Like I said, this was my first crossover, and it ran a little long. Sorry if you don't like it, I'll probably be getting back to the regular episodic antics next chapter, if I can figure out what to do with the next episode. I can't really see Axel going on the "sister" campout.