Blazing With a Human

by broner420

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Comedy
Length: 1646

As an attempt to study human friendship, Princess Celestia has each of the Mane 6 smoke a joint with Terry the human. Intense conversations and extreme munchies ensue.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-04 06:08:48 UTC

Chapter 1: Twilight Sparkle

"Wow, Spike, can you believe that behind that door is an actual human?!" Twilight was beside herself with excitement. She was hopping up and down in excitement.

"Whatever, Twilight. I still think that these instructions that the princess gave us are kind of odd." Spike glanced at the list in his hand "All it says is 'Meet with human, smoke joint and be polite.'"

"What's so odd about that? It's a job from the princess!"

"Well, why didn't she ask the others to meet him as well? If this is a friendship mission, then shouldn't the Elements of Harmony be present?"

Twilight giggled "The princess wants us each to meet him separately and report on how we interacted. Well, here goes!" Excited, she opened the door.

The human's room was cavernous, and filled with a heavy smoke that smelled like vanilla. Loud music was playing, and in the middle of it all sat a tall young man. He was rolling a fat joint, and glanced up from his work when Twilight approached.

"Ah, good morning, your highness. It's an honour to be around royalty." He had a soft voice, which was ironic coming from his tall stature.

"Oh, please, the pleasure is all mine. You're the first human to come here in over a decade, so this is a real privilege." Twilight sat down beside him and raised a hoof "I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle, and this is my assistant Spike the Dragon."

"Charmed. My name is Terrance Nelson, but you can call me Terry." He shook hooves with the purple alicorn, then lit up the joint.

"So, how did you even get to come to Equestria in the first place? I, mean, it being so heavily guarded and whatnot. But then again, we have been well versed in the human culture for centuries! I mean, you should meet a friend of mine, Lyra Heartstrings, and she-" Terry held up a hand.

"Easy there. Settle back, and I'll be happy to tell you." Taking a toke, he leaned forward and began to speak "Now, I work in what is known as a medical marijuana dispensary. Basically, I'm a pharmacist, only I sell weed to people who have a prescription."

"What? Isn't this readily available?" Twilight took a toke, but looked rather confused "I mean, it just grows here in Equestria..."

"Well, they're only recently starting to become more relaxed with it, but some people still consider it dangerous." Terry rolled his eyes at this "Anyway, one day I was at a legalisation rally in Ottawa, when the Prime Minister approached my booth and asked me if I wanted to go smoke a joint."

"Wow! That would be fascinating, him being so important and all!" Twilight looked excited, while Spike looked bored.

"Anyway, we went to this room in the parliament building, where they had this mirror. Only this was no ordinary mirror." Twilight gasped at this "The Crystal Mirror! But how did he get ahold of one?"

"Apparently, Princess Celestia gave one to his father back in the 60's. Only he started abusing its privileges, so the Cabinet took it away from him and locked it away. Years later, the current PM came across it and made contact. This is what he told me, by the way."

"Wow...this is so fascinating!" Twilight gushed. Spike yawned.

"Well, he found that both Equestria and Canada used weed, so he thought that a big smoke-in would be a good way to make amends for his father's mistakes. And he figured I would be a good candidate to partake in it. So after a couple of weeks of arrangement, here I am." Terry picked up a second joint and passed it to Twilight to spark. Twilight declined the joint. Spike eyeballed it with interest, but Twilight shook her head. Annoyed, he stormed off.

Terry glanced at Twilight "You know, I do have a substantial amount of that stuff, so you can smoke more than that."

"Well, I usually just smoke what Applejack and Fluttershy grow, and not even that often. If I do, then I like to go and browse a book fair or something fascinating like that." She levitated the joint back to Terry.

"Book fairs are great. I go to them quite often myself. But I'm more of a concert guy." Terry puffed away "So, how many other ponies am I supposed to be meeting with today?"

"Just five. You'll get along with them just fine, but there are a couple of things that you ought to know first." Twilight took the joint. Over by the stereo, Spike was browsing the records. He came walking over with a couple.

"Hey, Terry, I'm sorry to interrupt you guys, but what's with these band names? I mean, 'Aerosmith'? I've heard of a blacksmith before, but..."

Terry laughed "Well, stick them, on little dude. I think you'll approve." He turned back to Twilight "Now, you were saying?"

"Right, my friends. Well, first there's...oh, heck, the joints finished." Twilight dropped the roach.

"Keep talking, I'll get another. Your friends?"

"Oh, right, sorry. Let's see...Applejack is a hardworking farmpony with a heart of gold, but you do NOT want to cross her or put her family in jeopardy. She's very loyal, in other words."

"Ok. Who's next?" Terry licked the strip glue.

"Rarity is the most generous unicorn that I know. She has an incredible eye for fashion, but as a result she tends to get a little critical, so don't take it personally if she insults your clothes. But, Spike crushes on her nonetheless." She looked over and smirked.

"Ok, she'll be easy to deal with." Terry lit up "Next?"

"Rainbow Dash is the fastest Pegasus in all of Equestria, but in the name of Celestia do not try to compete with her. If she beats you, she'll never let you forget it. But she means well." Twilight stood to crack her spine, and promptly faceplanted. Terry laughed.

"Wow, I've been smoking this stuff since I was at least 13, but never in my 10+ years of doing so have I seen anyone do that." He leaned back in his chair and sighed. Twilight shook it off and took the joint back.

"Well, you might find it funny to watch now, but I would NOT laugh if it happens to Fluttershy. Trust me on this one."

"Why? Will she go on a murderous rampage of revenge?" Terry leaned forward with interest. Over by the stereo, Spike was thrashing around with headphones on, a Stones album beside him.

"Actually, what you said couldn't be furthest from the truth. Fluttershy would be so humiliated. To give you an idea, Rarity insisted on Fluttershy modelling for her once, and the poor pony didn't get a second of peace. When the whole ordeal was over, Fluttershy went on a mountain retreat with her animal friends for two weeks." Twilight sighed and shook her head. Terry nodded and took the joint back.

"You know, that happens with a lot of famous people back in the human world. Many times has a celebrity said either a really racist or misguided thing, and they either apologize and have a rocky career, or they refuse to apologize and end up with no career. It can go either way, really." Terry shook his head in disgust "So, I heard you mention a Pinkie Pie. What's her story?"

"She's happy."

Terry was confused "Okay, what else?"

"She's really, REALLY happy. She also has the attention span of a Jack Russell terrier, so there's that to watch out for. But most important, do NOT let her have any sugar." Twilight shuddered at the memory of last Nightmare Night. Why did somepony have to go and invent fudge...?

"So, I should be giving her a joint to smoke on her own, you're saying?" Terry took a few puffs.

"Just be extremely careful around her, is all. I-Spike, is that a letter?!" She jumped up and ran over to where Spike lay on the ground, huffing and puffing. A scroll lay on the ground beside him.

"Dude, was that firemail?? Awesome..." No one paid any attention to Terry's awe.

"Aw..." Twilight looked rather defeated. She had just finished reading her letter "This says I have to cut our meeting short and go meet some important ponies with the Princess."

"Important figures? Sounds fun." Terry placed a few buds in a bag and handed it to Twilight, who levitated them into her saddlebags.

"Clearly, you've never met Fancy Shmancy before. Come on, Spike, Princess Luna requested you personally." Twilight made her way over to the door.

"What? But she beats me everytime at that game!" Spike got up and sulked over to the door.

"Terry, I'd like to say once again that it's been a real honour meeting you, and that I hope you enjoy your time in Equestria!" Twilight raised a hoof, and Terry shook it.

"Pleasure was all mine, Princess. Spike, why don't you pop by tonight, and we'll talk records, sound good?"

"Awesome!" Spike whooped and ran out the door. Twilight giggled at this.

"This is good for him. Usually he's around only girls, you know?"

"Yeah, I hear ya. I grew up with two sisters. A man needs some guy time every now and then." Terry bowed to Twilight "Until next time, your Highness."

Blushing, Twilight left the room.  Terry took a list out of his pocket and scratched Twilight's name off of it. Beside it, he wrote 'Very easy to speak to, had lots of helpful advice for me. She needs to let Spike have more fun, though.' Suddenly, a knock at the door interrupted his thoughts.

"Come on in." He made his way back over to the table. A second later, an orange mare poked her head through the door.

"Uh...howdy? I'm here to meet the human?"