The Annual Skywalker Family Reunion

Luke and Lightspeed sat in a compartment in the Millenuum Falcon. It had been several months since the whole incident, and Lightspeed decided to join the Starfleet as a marine. Quickly mastering a double sided lightsaber, he began to work with Luke.

"So, we go in, deal with Darth, then get out?"

"Should be like that. Plans rarely go the way they should."

The two disembarked and went off to find Vader. They entered a dimly lit room. Suddenly, a lightsaber opened with a snap-hiss.

"Welcome to my home, Luke."

Lighspeed was the first to react.

"Huyah!" He brandished his saber, but only opened one side.

Luke turned. "Come at me, I'm fucking jack-oh wait, this isn't the Internet..."

The three began to swat at each other.

A swat sent Vader flying off a ledge. The two Rebels went down to meet the bastard. As soon as they went into the lower room, Vader began to rip random peices of his ship and chucked it at the two.

"Wow. You're just being stupid now."

A piece destroyed the window ("Why the hell is that there?") and the lot got sucked into a thin balcony.

Vader knocked Lightspeed off, then turned his attention to Luke.

"I'll give my right hand for this to end!"

Vader cut off his right hand. Losing his saber, Luke crawled onto the balcony.

"Obi Wan never did tell you what happened to your father."

"You killed him! Like bazillions of other innocents!"

"Ee...nope. I am your father."

"Nooooooooooooooooooo!"

Lighspeed flew back up. "Wow. And I thought my family was dysfunctional."

He grabbed Luke, then let the two fall. He guided the two down a winding tube, heading for the Falcon.

The metal skin came into view, but Lightspeed couldn't stop them. "Oh....crap!"

With a loud splat, the poor alicorn was flattened between the Falcon's cold hard metal and Luke's increased mass due to the acceleration and potato chips he had been eating.

"You okay there, buddy?"

"Yes." A muffled voice came out. "I've only been flattened so many times, you know."

"Ah, right." The human looked around. "Crap. I'm going to need a shovel."

Two weeks later, they tried again. The two decided to take both Palpatine and Vader. "You know, this is stupid. I magically grow back your right hand, and you're going to get it cut off again."

They rounded a corner and Luke tried a Vulcan neck pinch on a stormtrooper.

"What are you doing?"

"Um...the Vulcan Neck Pinch?"

"No, no no, stupid. You got it too high, it's down where the shoulder meets the neck."

"Like this?"

"Yeah!" The Stormtrooper collapsed.

Luke took his identification card and swiped it in the computer. Mentioning for Lightspeed to follow, they crept in.

As soon as they went in, Vader pounced. "Before you die, Lighspeed, there's something I would like you to know."

"And that is?"

"I am your father's brother's nephew's former roommate."

"So...what does that make us?"

"Absolutely nothing. Which is what you are about to become."

It became one on one, with Luke standing to the side watching. A hit suddenly got a camera crewman.

"Um...the pony did it." Vader pointed an accusing finger at Lightspeed.

"What!?"

Then, they continued to fight. The blue and red  lightsabers suddenly got tangled together.

"Shit. I hate it when I get my saber twisted. Okay, maybe if I put my leg on your knee like this, yeah, like that, maybe we can untwist, three, two, one, mark!"

Vader turned off his lightsaber. Lighspeed tried to hit him a couple times, but that did nothing.

Darth took off his helmet. "Hahaha-"

Lighspeed gave him a hard buck to the face. Holding his head in telekinesis just out of Vader's swinging arc, he gave him a deadpan stare. He suddenly let go, and he plummeted over the edge into a bottomless pit sixty feet deep.

"It seems that evil people have lower IQs than good people." Luke observed.

"That's it in a nutshell."

They continued in until they met Palpatine.

"Very well, you two. Obi Wan has taught you well. If there's one thing I despise, that's a fair fight." Using the force, he confiscated all of their weapons. "But if I must, I must."

The two began to duel with the force alone. Lightspeed was off trying to get the lighsabers. Palpatine got a nasty hit on Luke, and he fell to the ground screaming.

He pulled himself up, to face Palpatine pointing a blaster at him. At the last second, Luke took out a mirror and deflected the laser from his chest. It hit Palpatine in his balls.

"My decommissioned testicles!"

Lightspeed found Vader at the bottom of the bottomless pit.

"So. How's the wife?"

"Dead."

"You know you have a daughter?"

Back with Luke, he stood over the emperor. "I have you now, you damn bastard!"

A chanting of "I have a daughter!" suddenly came out. Using the distraction, Palpatine kicked him away. "I'll let you and your friend live in exchange for Vader. Deal?"

"Deal." Luke's arms suddenly became very long. He reached into the pit and grabbed Lightspeed (who already slit Vader's throat) and took off.

They rounded a corner and were ambushed by Stormtroopers. Of course, they were terrible shots, and missed them. Lightspeed just grabbed Luke and calmly walked through the swarm, making them hit each other.

Entering the hangar, Lightspeed noticed the Imperial shuttle.

"We could use that."

"Nice thinking."

The shuttle powered up, and they zoomed out. Just at the moment, they were going to enter hyperspace, some Stormtrooper finally managed to sharpen his aiming skills for the sake of the story and hit one of the sublight engines.

It knocked them off course and sent them off to the unknown.