Chapters Lyra Meets The Boondocks
By genocidal brony
Derpy Hooves used to be my best friend. Used to be. Every day and every night we would hang out with each other, play pranks, tons of other things too. It was great. Just the both of us eating and baking muffins, walking in the park, the whole best friends deal. But then things changed. Derpy stopped hanging out with me. At first it was subtle, and I barely noticed it. For example, she would say 'Sorry Lyra I'm busy today.' and I would reply 'Oh that's fine, see you tomorrow then!' and I would see her the next day. But then she started making more and more excuses day by day, and soon we only met once a week. Then it turned into once a month. I knew something was wrong then.
So I set out to find just why she wasn't hanging with me, her best friend, anymore. What I found was appalling. Somehow during one of her visits to Sugar Cube Corner (I had followed her there without her knowledge) I saw her conversing with some earth pony named Bon-Bon. Of all the ponies, she was talking with Bon-Bon! But wait, it gets worse. From then on, I followed Bon-Bon and Derpy Hooves every single day. And every single day, they hung out with each other! What the buck! How could she do this to me? How could she become friends with such a repulsive mare!?
I confronted both of them about it, and asked why Derpy had left me to be some cut rate friend. You know what she said? She said it was because Bon-Bon makes better muffins. From then on I resented the two of them. I couldn't stand the sight of them! I wanted to leave Ponyville. And I did.
I knew I would need magic to get out of Ponyville, so there was only one unicorn for the job.
"Twilight Sparkle? Are you there?" I said as I knocked on the door.
At first I believed she was sleeping, considering it was dark outside, and I almost left. But luckily for me, she answered.
The wooden door of the library opened and Twilight looked right at me with bags under her eyes.
"Yes?" She yawned.
"Do you have any transportation spells?" I asked.
"What?" She was slightly thrown back by my question and I understood, transportation magic was usually for magic experts and prodigies. I was just the average betrayal stricken unicorn.
"Do you have any spell books on transportation in there?" I repeated slowly.
She grinned. "Yes I do actually! I never knew you were into high level magic!"
"Yeah it's very interesting. So, how about that book?"
"Come in and I'll get it for you. I was just reading it actually."
As I trotted inside the vast library I was astonished. Maybe I should have visited here with Derpy more often...If it wasn't for bucking Bon-Bon!
"Is something wrong Lyra?" Twilight asked.
"Oh no I'm fine. Just excited about transportation spells."
"Ok then. Here's the book." She put this monstrosity of a spell book on the floor, and it sounded like it was going to fall right though. I still remember it now.
"You can take a look in it, just make sure to put it back when you leave. I'm going to go back to sleep." She yawned once more, and trotted up the stairs.
Now I have the time in the world to look at that book, and just as much time to finally get out of here. Let's see...aha! Inter-dimensional teleportation. 'Unlike standard teleportation, or intra-dimensional teleportation, this spell allows for the user to travel through different dimensions and planes. Experts only.'
Even better! I can be dimensions away from that stupid mare and my former best friend now. Hm. This spell doesn't look that complicated. Wait what's this? 'Editor's note, be wary of where you land when casting the spell.' No big deal. Well Twilight, I would love to say goodbye and such but I'm my way to bigger things now! Goodbye, parting is so much fun.
With a simple flash and a pentagram I was off! Off away from Equestria and the two banes of my existence, and into a brand new world. I didn't really care which one honestly, as long as it was something new and bold. I got more then my bits worth.
"Naw you two kids betta behave while I'm out with Tom, othe-wise, no nigga in the world is gonna find ya. Understand? Bad enough I got dragged into meeting him evewy week to go drinkin, and I don't need you niggas makin it wurse. Got it?"
"Alright grandad." Huey said.
The door slammed, and Huey turned to Riley.
"While grandad is gone, I'm in ch-"
"Yah yah, don't need to remind a nigga twice. Especially after you jailed yah own flesh and blood while grandad was being Mr. Bitches up in Puerto Rico." Riley interrupted.
"Whatever. Just don't do anything stupid."
"I'll be in my room like a good gangsta don't worry. Spittin rhymes so fast I ain't got the time, niggas see me like damn he fine."
Before he could finish "spittin rhymes" there was a loud crack, and green flash of light illuminated the upstairs hallway.
"What the hell was that!?" Riley shouted.
Even Huey was slightly worried. The last thing he wanted to do was deal with Stinkmeaner again.
"Should we grab our guns?" Riley asked.
"Why not." Huey replied.
The two choose the best weapons in their ball bearing arsenal, and stealthily headed up the stairs. Huey was in the center of the stair case, while Riley was just next to the doorway where they last saw the flash of light. Huey motioned to Riley, and he nodded back. With two Uzis in his hands, he quickly turned and faced the inside of his room.
"Hello!" Lyra said.
"Aaah! What the hell is that shit!" Riley shouted.
Huey dashed up the stairs, and ran inside the room to find what he believed to be a unicorn, and his brother screaming his head off.
"It's a unicorn Riley." Huey said indifferently.
What's a unicorn doing here?
"Nigga I don't care what the fuck it is shoot it! Shoot it!"
"Riley calm down! If it was going to do something to us it would have already." Huey faced the strange creature. "Can you talk? Or understand us at least?"
"Yes. My name is Lyra Heartstrings."
"I've never talked with a unicorn before. My name is Huey Freedman. This is my brother, Riley Freedman."
"Nigga why'd you tell it my name! It's gonna hunt me down and murder me!"
"Murder you?" Lyra snickered. "I'm peaceful don't worry."
"Where did you come from?" Huey said, still fascinated by the visitor.
"Well, I come from Equestria. It's this place where..."
"So I left and came here." Lyra said, finishing her epic tale of Princesses, Changelings, and monsters.
"That's something." Huey said, fascinated by the prospect of other dimensions and worlds.
"Well I guess this nigga is alright. Scared the hell out of me though."
"Sorry about that." Lyra said.
"Nah nigga it's cool." Riley replied.
"I suppose we should teach you about our customs and such, to get you used to our world." Huey said. "We're very different from your society."
"Aight nigga," Riley said to Lyra. "Tha first thing you need is gangsta swag. Without that, you gonna get capped on the streets, or robbed. Now the first part of gangsta swag, is having a chain, a hat, low hanging pants, some tattoos, and a piece. Lucky for you, I am a master of gangsta swag and have all those things right in this room."
"Riley, normal people don't dress like that." Huey said.
"Exactly! Normal niggas get capped, gangsta swag niggas fuck bitches and get money."
"It shouldn't be too hard having gangsta swag I suppose." Lyra said.
Huey sighed.
"Alright, put on this hat, and this chain, and these low hanging pants, and here, take my gun too."
Lyra put on his clothes, which just happened to fit the mare, and looked at herself in his mirror.
"Not bad nigga. But you missing something..."
"Intelligence?" Huey muttered.
"Glasses! Need an ill pair of shades! I got just the thing." Riley tore through his dresser until he found a large pair of black sunglasses. Lyra put them on, and stood up on her hind hooves.
"Do I have gangsta swag now?"
"Not yet. You need to talk like a gangsta nigga too."
"Riley you don't know much about modern fashion trends do you?" Huey said.
"Nigga fashion is gay! This is some street gangsta swag shit here! Right Lyra?"
"Right nigga! Am I doing it right?"
"Hell yeah!" Riley said. "Better then that hobo shit Huey has on."
"Are you done?" Huey asked.
"Yeah you can go teach her the right faggot ass way. I'm gonna go watch some T.V." Riley said as he left the room and went downstairs.
"Ok. Do you normally wear clothes in Equestria?"
"Nope."
"Well you can take those useless things off then."
"Good. This gangsta stuff is pretty tough." She said as all of her clothes floated off, and landed folded neatly on the ground.
"I still don't believe you traveled from your own dimension to get away from one of your former friends."
If only I could get away from here... Huey thought.
"Well if she was a better friend I wouldn't have had too. All because Bon-Bon had 'better muffins'. She can't cook at all for Celestia's sake!"
"Maybe Derpy was planning this from the beginning?"
"What do you mean?"
"From what you told Riley and me, she seems to be pretty ditzy in general, but it also appears that she could be doing it on purpose as well. Did you do something to her in the past?"
"No not at all. Like I said we were the best of friends. She just stopped hanging out with me. We had a lot of similar interests too, I don't know how she ended up being friends with somepony else just because of their cooking. And now that I think of it, I'm probably going to end up back in Equestria anyway. Considering how Riley acts. Do the rest of your, people, act like this? I'm sorry if that's offensive."
Huey took a deep sigh. He despised modern society, and a large majority of the people that came with it. There were no more intellects, no more theologians, no one who wanted to make a difference. He knew the world was slowly becoming a worthless place, and it pained him. Huey felt a connection with Lyra, not in a sexual sense, but a connection of understanding. She had only been here for a few hours and she already was shocked at the behavior of the average human. If she knew about everything else in the world she would probably flee. So for the first time, Huey finally spoke his mind. His true mind.
After a long, heart felt discussion between the two, they had finally found someone who they could relate with. A true friend. Lyra's understanding of politics in Equestria (she was a Canterlot council member after all) matched Huey's idea of a near perfect society.
"Lyra, do you still remember the spell that brought you here in the first place?" Huey asked.
"Yes surprisingly. Why?"
"If you're going back to Equestria, I want to come with you."
"I'm sure the Princess wouldn't mind a new citizen. Plus Derpy would be jealous. But considering I don't care about her anymore it's besides the point now."
"Thank you. When should we leave?"
"I don't really have a preference, but the sooner the better for me. Unless you want to say goodbye to your family and friends tomorrow."
"I'll write a letter." He grabbed a lone pencil and a sheet of paper from Riley's trash bin, and started to write. It was addressed to everyone he knew. Tom, Sarah, A Pimp Named Slickback, Ed Wuncler III, Lord Rufus Crabmiser, Wedgie Rudlin, Gin Rummy, everyone.
He folded the note, and walked to his room. He read it over once more, and placed it on his bed. He didn't shed a single tear.
"Ready to go?" Lyra asked.
Faintly, he smiled. "Yes. Goodbye Riley."
With a flash of light, the two of them disappeared, never to be seen again. In Huey's universe that is. The Equestrian universe would never be the same.
"Nigga did what!?"
"I don't know grandad! I jus read the letter like you."
"Yes but you was stupid enough to not call me in the first place. Had you dun that, we could have avoided this trouble."
"Nigga what do you want me to do! It was a unicorn!" Riley shouted.
"If we gonna go after Huey and this unicorn business we need tha expert."
The house shook, and there was a loud crash from downstairs. The two looked down from the hallway, and saw the one and only,
"Uncle Ruckus at your bona-fide nigga services."
"Ruckus, do ya really think you can find him?" Grandad asked.
"Of course Ah can. I felt you had a unicorn problem but I put it off mah mind because I was dealing with more important thangs. Specifically our drinking night with Tom."
"So how do we get Huey back?" Riley asked.
"Well considerin this magical beast opened up a portal, we gotta do tha same, and send some brave ass nigga to get im." Ruckus said.
"Grandad volunteers!" Riley said.
"Oh no! I ain't goin to some magical dimension, just to fix the problems you screwed up. You're going Riley."
"Aw hell no!" Riley said.
"Alright Ruckus, how do we get 'im in there in the first place? Space travel? Planes? Cause I ain't paying to have my grandson back."
"Nope." He said, opening a large suitcase.
"Black magic? Witchcraft? Dark arts?" Riley asked.
"No, we hafta use the most dangerous form of magic that every touched the earth. Nigga magic . I have experience tho' so don't you worry yer ass off. If it could git Stinkmeaner back into hell it can get Riley anywhere." Ruckus said.
"Well, let's start." Grandad said.
"Ok, but furst, we need niggas. Lats of niggas. Even niggas that aren't your friends! We need all niggas on deck! And I have a plan to get them right here..."
Huey watched as Princess Celestia herself, walked down from her throne, and met him face to face. It was amazing, meeting a goddess. Even if she was a pegasus unicorn hybrid.
"So you're the one Lyra brought here. Interesting." Celestia said.
"I'm pleased to meet you, quite honored actually." Huey said.
"Thank you. Now, I brought you here to deem you worthy or unworthy of living in Equestria. And from what Lyra has told me, as well as your demeanor, I deem you worthy of becoming a citizen."
"Ok," Ruckus said through his megaphone. "Has every nigga enjoyed their orange watermelon grape fusion kool-aid, and eaten their fried chicken?"
A chorus of amens erupted in the crowd that covered the entire street block.
"Good, now with oua nyukka powers combined, we can transport this young nigga, and get one of our own back!" He said.
Another round of amens, sprinkled with hallelujahs followed.
"Riley, I need you," Ruckus said with his arms in the air. "I need you to embrace our nigga power! And rescue your brotha!"
The sea of people surrounded Riley, and the group started chanting; nigga powah.
"Riley! You must be ready to face whatever creatures are on the other side! You must use your inner, nigga powah!"
"Nigga powah! Nigga power!"
The ground beneath Riley's feat started to shake, and his body started to glow.
"By black Jesus! C'mon Riley! Nyukka power!!" Ruckus shouted.
"Nigga power!" Riley shouted at the top of his lungs, and a beam of red light engulfed him. His whole body started to glow red, and with a large explosion he disappeared.
"Nigga powah!" Riley shouted.
"What in Celestia's name is that?" Somepony shouted.
"Riley? Is that you?" Finally a familiar voice.
"Huey! You crazy ass fool! You comin back home before grandad beats your ass!" Riley said.
"I'm not going anywhere Riley. I wrote that in the letter."
"Nigga you crazy! Ya can't just abandon us!"
"What's going on here?" Celestia asked, floating down from the sky.
"Aw shit! It has wings and a horn too?"
"You had better identify yourself." Celestia said. "Before I sent you whence you came."
"He's my brother." Huey sighed.
"Damn right! And you ain't goin nowhere but homewhere nigga."
A rather large crowd of ponies started to gather around the quarreling brothers.
"I don't need you here Riley. You can do fine on your own, as can I."
"Nigga you don't get it! We need you!"
Celestia sighed, rather loudly than usual. "You two can sort this out, it's giving me a headache." With a flash of yellow light, she disappeared.
"Holy shit! You see that? Them niggas is dangerous Huey!" Riley said.
"There is nothing dangerous about us, I told you that before." Lyra said stepping into the circle. "I know he's your brother, but you don't seem to be like a true brother to him."
"Nigga what do you know about brothers? You just some faggot pony!" Riley said.
"What did you say?" Rainbow Dash said from behind the crowd.
"Who said that? Nigga come fowa'd!"
Rainbow Dash shoved her way into the center and faced Riley.
"Well, looks like some gay ass pony thinks he's a gangsta!"
"I am not a he! And Celestia help me, if you call me gay one more time I'll-"
"Nigga you a gay."
Everypony who was there that day, say they saw a quick blue blur, and watched helplessly as Riley fell to the floor.
"Oww! What the fuck was that for!" Riley said with his hands over his face.
"That was for calling me a stallion." Rainbow Dash said.
"Nigga why don't you fight me if-"
"Riley shut it." Huey said. "Lyra, do you know of anyone who can heal him?"
"Yes. There's a hospital not too far from here."
"Good. Riley go find it. Once you get proper medical treatment I'll find you." Huey said.
"Nigga where do you think you're going?" Riley asked, still on the floor.
"I'm going to apologize to the Princess."
"I'm sorry that my brother acted the way he did, it was wrong." Huey admitted.
"It's alright. Neither you nor Lyra summoned him here, and you're certainly not in control of his actions."
"Thank you. Now apologize Riley."
"I'm sorry." Riley rolled his eyes.
"Good. Now let's go."
As the two brothers walked away, Riley muttered under his breath.
"Fuckin gay pony niggas."
"What did you say niggaaah!" Princess Celestia shouted in a rather, familiar voice.
"Hey Ruckus, when you said nigga magic is dangerous, what exactly did you mean?" Tom asked.
"Well, nyukka magic uses hell as a partial energy source, and which is why a religious negro is always needed for nigga magic."
"Fascinating." Tom said.
Stinkmeaner Meets Equestria
"What's good nigga? What's really good?"
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner. The last person I was expecting to see in Equestria. But considering how magical ponies in a monarchy befriended me, I shouldn't be shocked.
"Now seeing as how you nyukkas offended me earlier on and have the nerve ta send me back to hell, I decided to pay you a visit in an even better body!"
"Riley let's get out of-"
"Every nigga for himself!"
Riley was already halfway down the hallway out of the castle, planning to get as far away as possible.
Huey bolted from the scene as Stinkmeaner's cruel voice echoed through the castle. It would be a short matter of time before he learned how to use magic and do what he does best, fuck shit up.
"Be a pussy nigga! Your candy ass is gonna be roasted soon enough!"
It was bad enough that Stinkmeaner was back in my life, and even worse that he managed to seem even more ominous than normal.
Oh candy!
What are you doing in my commentary?
Worry about that later silly you need to get out of there first.
After a few more moments of running, Riley finally tired out at the castle entrance. Two guardponies stood over him and began to examine the unknown creature.
"Any of you niggas got a gatorade," He panted and sweat started rolling down his forehead.
"Riley! There's not time to rest we need to stop Stinkmeaner."
"Nigga why do you get to make all the decisions? You don't think I'm real enough to come up with my own plan?"
"No, I know you can't form a plan and a real nigga couldn't either."
"What's going on?" Lyra asked as she walked out of some local drink store.
"Your Princess is being controlled by an evil spirit who's bent on ruining everything for everyone. And why were you shopping?"
"Ponies get bored too," She shrugged her shoulders and took a sip from her levitating beverage.
"Ay can I get a sip?" Riley's arm seemed to portude out at the pony's face.
She nodded, and the cup flew to Riley's hands. He tore off it's lid and poured it's grape flavored insides down his throat and let out a sigh of relief.
"I thought you said a sip," Lyra's eyes started to widen and tear at the sides, "not the whole thing."
"Riley will get you a drink later, we need to focus on stopping Stinkmeaner first. Does anyone know how to stop a winged unicorn anyway?"
Of course no one knew the answer. The only evils they had dealt with were monsters or mythological creatures. So we went around town searching for somepony who might know how to stop one of their own. Most ponies didn't even know what had happened in the castle to begin with.
Oh I did!
Well, Pinkie did. Eventually we had given up. Twilight did suggest that we use the elements of harmony but we soon realized turning the Princess into stone would just create more problems.
We would need other ways of stopping Celestianer. Then it hit me. If nigga moments and synthesis helped stop him in the past, it should stop him now. But where in Equestria could we find someone as hateful as Stinkmeaner?
Lyra stood up on both hooves and scratched the back of her mane.
"The Everfree forest. It's full of evil and mystery, maybe we can find something to get rid of that Stinkmeaner fellow," she shrugged.
"Nigga where that at? Is it like the ghetto of Equestria or some shit? Cause if we going in the ghetto then we gonna need some heat," Riley stood up and pretended to shadow box against a hood nigga.
"What's a ghetto?" Lyra and the rest of the 'mane six' chimed.
For all of you who are too white to know what a ghetto is, or have chosen to forget the events before and during the holocaust, a ghetto is a minority infested area, that is essentially a modern African tribal ground. Tribes become gangs, hunting and gathering become looting and theft, and witch doctors become your local dealer.
"A ghetto is a dangerous area full of crime and violence," Huey looked at Riley who was still pretending to fight in some martial arts movie. "It's not as fun as he makes it seem."
"The Everfree isn't a ghetto by that definition then, it's just an unknown area," Twilight stated.
"Aight pony nigga, let's fuck shit up and- wait. Why am I helping you again? That gay ass rainbow nigga punched me and all I'm supposed to do is bring Huey back."
"Call me gay one more time."
As Rainbow Dash and Riley began to butt heads, the mane six, Lyra and Huey headed out to the forest.
"Hey where did Huey go?"
"So what are we looking for in here anyway?" Applejack asked.
"Something that can help us create nigga synthesis. It was how we stopped Stinkmeaner in the past."
"We? We only just met you."
Twilight raised an eyebrow at the boy.
"Grandad, Uncle Ruckus and I. They're people from my world. Originally we thought we had stopped Stinkmeaner then and there but apparently we didn't."
"So he has a grudge on ya huh? Well we'll take care of him and send him packing faster then a herd of angry cows."
Applejack swung her lasso round her tail to show her readiness to the rest of the group.
"I don't think just a lasso will do much against magic Applejack, this nigga has control over Celestia."
After sensing the rest of the group was staring at her, Twilight shrugged.
"We may as well call it by it's proper name."
"Nigga do you even know where they went?"
Riley asked Rainbow Dash, who just tried her best not to hit him again.
"No, you should have been paying more attention. He's your brother."
"That don't make a difference, he can take care of himself."
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "And you can hardly defend yourself at all."
"I can smack you up any day, rap battle or a fist battle."
He crossed his shoulders and the mare stopped looking for the rest of the group.
"A rap battle? Puh-lease, nopony is a better rapper than MC R-Dash."
"Alright nigga let's go!"
"Hey Ruckus, when do you think my boys will be coming back?"
"Well Robert, when I sent them off I was doing both them, and society a favor. The niggers won't be able to harm any white people anymore."
"What!? Ruckus those are my grandkids!"
"Robert I didn't know you cared so much about your nigga chil'un. I can re-open the portal if you really want to get them."
"Hell no! They need to know to not do anything stupid, when I'm not around! Besides I'm too old for this shit!"
"Works fer me."
