Time Turner checked his trademark watch, shuffling from hoof to hoof. He had no idea that his every move was under scrutiny from afar. Or, I hoped he had no idea a pair of mares were hiding in a nearby cherry tree sharing a pair of binoculars. He had no reason to suspect anything; the birds were singing merry tunes, the sun was shining and the morning clouds had been cleared by the dawn weather patrol. A large picnic blanket had been laid out across the grass, but Time Turner didn’t seem willing to relax and enjoy his lunch. He kept scanning the sky, tapping a hoof against the ground with the look of a pony about to bolt.
“Hmm, what are you waiting for?” Lyra adjusted the focus on her binoculars, as Time Turner began to pace. She sat hunched over, straining to see even the slightest clue to whatever mystery she was looking to solve today.
A blond maned pegasus mare landed in the field, carrying her daughter on her back. She trotted over to Time Turner and they shared kiss and a chaste nuzzle.
“Dang it!” Lyra threw up her hooves. “I was-- wargh!” Her hoof slipped off the branch. In a rush of broken branches and leaves, the excitable mare found herself hanging by her hind legs from the oak tree.
I rolled my eyes. “See, this is why unicorns shouldn’t climb trees.” With a sigh I reached down and, grabbing Lyra by the scruff of the neck, pulled her back into our makeshift hideaway.
Lyra shook herself. “It’s a necessary sacrifice, Rainbow Dash,” she said, lifting her binoculars back to her eyes. For a moment she just scowled into them, then she rolled her eyes and a burst of magic cleared the leaf mulch out of the lenses. “Now, don’t interrupt. This is absolutely vital research.”
“Ease up, Lyra. I’ve worked science with Twilight before. Don’t lick the experiments, don’t touch anything that glows, don’t juggle the glasses...” I shrugged, I still hadn’t figured out why she’d never invited me back. “I got this.”
“Juggling?” Lyra cocked an eyebrow at me.
I rubbed the back of my head. “Eh, it’s not that interesting a story. Twilight had these metal ball things and they were just the right size for a game of keepy-uppy.”
Lyra blinked, then shook herself. “No, you’re distracting me. I could be missing everything right now!” She went back to glaring through the binoculars. With a sigh I stuck my head out through the leaves. Time Turner had produced sandwiches for the trio; Lyra began taking notes.
“So, what are you watching anyway?” I asked, somewhat dreading the answer, but too bored to resist. “Not Ditzy Doo’s date?”
“Of course not!” Lyra exclaimed, not taking her eyes off the scene. “I wouldn’t spy on another pony’s date. I’m watching Time Turner to see if he’s secretly--” she dropped into a conspiratorial whisper “--a human.”
My brain crashed. This was bad. As bad as having a panic attack in front of the Wonderbolts. As bad as losing one of Twilight’s books and having her hunt you down. As bad as the end of Equestria as we know it! I realised I was staring at her in open mouthed horror; Lyra, as observant as always, still had her eyes glued to her binoculars. I fought to keep my response calm and collected.
“No no no no no!” I snatched the binoculars away, grabbing the unicorn by the shoulder and spinning her around. “You did not say anything about humans. I’m not helping you chase a... a... crazy foals tale!”
Lyra shot me a flat look. “Well that’s your choice,” she said, a vicious grin spread across her muzzle. “Of course, then I’d just have to tell Bon Bon how Pinkie Pie got into her Strategic Fudge Supply.”
I froze. Torn for a moment between potential disaster, and joining Pinkie Pie in Saddle Arabia, or wherever it was she’d made it to. “Fine.” I folded my forelegs across my chest, glowering at her. “But this is technically stalking.”
“No, it’s cryptozoology.” Lyra turned back to her observations. “Do you reckon those are jelly sandwiches, or some kind of meat broth, humans are supposed to be omnivores...”
I glanced at the picnic. “Jelly. Lyra, you--”
“Besides, Twilight followed Pinkie Pie around with a pith helmet and nopony batted an eyelid.”
A snarl escaped me. I should have known better than to argue with Lyra when she was on a conspiracy kick. Slamming a hoof on the trunk in frustration I muttered, “Pinkie is going to pay for this.”
“Depending on how quick on her hooves she is, Bonnie is already making her pay.”
I snorted, trying to hide a smirk. It was nice to know that there was at least somepony having a worse day than me.
“Oh, is that--” Lyra pressed her eyes against the binoculars. “Urgh, no, it’s a salad. Come on, do something human already!”
“Do something human?” I echoed, mockingly. “Do you listen to yourself when you talk?”
Lyra huffed, not taking her eyes away from the picnic.
“Seriously though, what makes you think Time Turner of all ponies is a human?” I said, making air quotes.
“Well... I’ve been trying to identify ponies around Ponyville that might be humans in disguise.” Lyra frowned. “Time Turner was, naturally, top of my list.”
“What!” The word escaped my mouth before she could stop it. For a long moment I just stared at the crazy mare, my mouth working through silent sentences as I struggled to form a coherent thought. ‘I should have flown to Saddle Arabia,’ was the first one, but that wasn’t very helpful. “Umm... so...” I reached over and tapped Lyra on the shoulder, before putting on my best convincing smile. “Why is he top of the list?” The last word cracked in my throat.
“Well, lots of reasons.” Lyra forced her aura into the rough shape of a hand and began to count off on the fingers. “One, he’s new to Ponyville with no known family, which suggests that he wanted to be here for some reason. Two, he has a strange knowledge of mechanisms and machines, which all fits into the stories of humans as a very advanced people. Three, he keeps yelling nonsense words like neutron capacitor at three in the morning.” I remembered that one, Lyra threw a clock at him.
Those were all weird traits, true, but none of it was evidence. “Okay, I’ll admit Time Turner’s not the most average of stallions,” I said, breathing a sigh of relief, “But I think he’s missing a couple of itsy-bitsy things to be a secret human.”
“Oh, what?” Lyra pricked up her ears.
“Two of those, to start.” I pointed at the illusionary hand, rolling my eyes.
Lyra chuffed. “Well obviously he doesn’t have those now, but that’s because of the anthropology curse!”
“The what?”
“It’s the current theory in cryptozoology,” Lyra explained, with an excited sequel. She set down her binoculars, and I realised, to my horror, that I'd just managed to trigger a lecture. “There’s so many mysteries about humans. Why are they only featured in the most ancient of legends? What happened to their kingdoms? Why did they stop visiting, and is there any truth to the whispers of war? All of it can be explained by a singular event. The grandest of curses.”
I rolled my eyes at her. “You know, Twilight doesn’t believe in curses.”
Lyra waved away the objection. “That’s because she’s a mage at heart, not a scientist like me. Mystical forces don’t have to use magic to get things done, she sees the absence of magic and calls it normal, I question normality itself!”
“Too many easy lines,” I muttered, not rising to the bait. Lyra ignored me, though.
“Anyway, the anthropology curse is truly ancient. Some say it predates the Princess, or even Equestria itself, but maybe it’s from the time of Discord. It is, in essence, a ban against all Mankind, forbidding them from ever setting foot on Equestrian soil, as punishment for a great transgression. That’s why there’s no modern sightings of humans; their very presence is impossible.”
I had to hand it to Lyra, she'd managed to scrape together just enough evidence to sound completely crazy. That took work. “So... you’re hunting for humans," I said, cocking a brow at her. "Because there are no humans allowed in Equestria?”
“Exactly!”
I rolled my eyes and lounged against the trunk of the tree. It looked like the mysteries of Equestria were safe for another day. Thank Celestia for Lyra’s complete inability to tell fact from fiction. “Lyra, only in your world would that even begin to make sense. All your talk of curses means that Time Turner has to be a pony, not a human."
“Ah hah, not if he got turned into a pony.”
“Ack!” I shot bolt upright, choking.
“What? What is it?” Lyra demand, rounding on me and almost slipped out of the tree again. “Was it the humans?”
“Argh! No I... um... swallowed a bug?” I gave a few over exaggerated coughs. Quick Rainbow, change the subject! “So... what’s Time Turner up to?”
Lyra peered at me for a moment, then shrugged and turned back to the picnic. I breathed a deep sigh of relief, lets hope Lyra never finds out that a human to pony spell exists. I don't think Sunset Shimmer would appreciate having two Lyras to deal with. “Well, I think that’s potato salad they’re opening. I guess that’s not too suspicious, but I think potatoes are supposed to be highly prized by humans.”
“Potatoes?" I was unable to keep the skepticism from my voice. "Hey, how about you just hold a potato in front of all your secret humans and see how they react?"
“Hmm, nah, they’re probably wise--” Her head shot up as she noticed the sarcasm. “Hey! This is a very serious business, Rainbow Dash. Do you know what it would mean if I found a human? There is so much that we could learn from them. Their knowledge of science, of art, heck, even our own history would revolutionise Equestria.”
“Yeah, like that’s going to happen," I said, making a face. "Humans suck, Lyra. We’re just lucky they never existed outside of foals’ tales.”
“They do not, and they do so!” Lyra paused a moment as she made sure she’d got those in the right order. “Humans are marvelous creatures, often derided as monsters purely because our last contact was during an age when war and conflict were major factors--”
Stretching my mouth wide, I faked a loud yawn.
“Urgh.” Lyra shot me a disgusted look. “If I didn’t need you to get into these trees...”
“Yeah, well the feeling is mutual," I snapped. Why couldn't Lyra have asked me to investigate something genuinely crazy, like Big Hoof, or sea-ponies, or changelings? Wait, no, that last one turned out to be real.
With a heavy sigh Lyra lifted her binoculars to her face. “Urgh." Lyra squinted at the field. “Okay this is just boring now, they’re eating a salad, and it’s got avocado in it.” She made a nasty face and shook herself. “Okay, this is just boring now.”
“Does this mean that we can just give up and go home now?"
“Ha!” Lyra waved a dismissive hoof. “You forget the second rule of science, ‘if at first you don’t succeed try, try again’. Onto the next pony!”
There are a dozen ways to get into Applejack's Orchard without anypony spotting you. There are fewer ways if you happened to be carrying a unicorn and all her cryptozoology gear. But they don't call me the Most Awesome Pegasus in Equestria because I have cool hair; that's an unrelated bit of awesomeness. We dropped from about a thousand feet, straight into an apple tree, less than a stone’s throw from the Cutie Mark Crusaders' Clubhouse with barely a branch askew. When Lyra had stopped holding onto the trunk for dear life, she shot me a nasty look instead of thanking me, and unpacked her binoculars.
"So, who are we spying on now?" I enquired. "Because I'm pretty sure we're jumping a queue when it comes to ogling Big Mac."
Lyra shot me a pitying look. "Please, Rainbow Dash, I'm a scientist, I'm above that kind of thing." She shuffled along the bow and looked out a completely different side of the tree. "Besides, Big Mac is definitely a pony."
"I'm not going to ask how you checked that," I said with a shudder. "So, who then? Applejack?"
"Also a pony. Their birth certificates are in the town hall."
"Granny Smith?" I continued, running out of ponies to guess.
Lyra stroked her chin. "Huh, well she doesn't have any records and she did bring a magical fruit to Ponyville. She claimed it was from the Everfree but--"
"Okay, I'm going to stop you there," I interjected. "Lets not add anypony else to this crazy list. Granny Smith is as old as the hills, she's not a human."
"Urgh, fine," Lyra said, sighing. "Maybe if none of these pan out. First let's make sure Scootaloo isn't hiding anything."
I froze, then jammed my head out of the canopy. Lyra indeed had her sights trained on the Crusaders' Club House, and judging from the off key warbling and the drums, the fillies were in residence.
“Really?” I exclaimed.
"Hey, keep it down," Lyra hissed, dragging me back into the leafy confines of the tree. "You'll spook them." Then, spotting my glare she continued. "Besides, you have to admit all the signs are there."
I rubbed my forehead with a hoof. “No, no they are not Lyra. There are absolutely no signs that the Cutie Mark Crusaders are anything other than normal fillies.” I paused, considering Applejack’s current theory that they had cutie-marks for causing chaos but hadn’t told anypony yet. “Except for that time they released Discord, but the Princess promised that was an accident.”
“I can see you need more convincing!” Lyra levitated a small notebook out of her saddlebag. "Okay, the first major piece of evidence is the case of her sudden appearance in Ponyville. Nopony ever met her before the Summer Sun Celebration. Then, after the Crusaders formed, those fillies were everywhere and everypony knew their names."
I rolled my eyes. "Lyra, she’s lived here for three years. It’s just the whole Crusade thing that’s made them a public--”
"Second!” Lyra smacked her hoof against the notebook, a big grin on her face. "Is the matter of her parents, I've never met them. Nopony I've spoken to has ever met them and Cheerilee stopped me getting into the school’s files for some reason. I postulate that they don't even exist, and Scootaloo is merely an assumed entity."
You know, Bon Bon must have the finest tuned selective hearing problem in Ponyville to put up with this stuff. "I've had dinner with them,” I pointed out. “Nice couple, a little slow paced, kept trying to tell me there’s more to archaeology than Daring Do novels.” I let out a disbelieving snort, and they called themselves adventurers.
"Third, flight.” Lyra also seemed to have a talent for ignoring things she didn’t want to hear. “Now I'm no pegasus, but doesn't it seem odd to you that she can't get into the air? There's plenty of foals around town who fly better and heck, even Pound can hover.” Lyra dropped her voice, as if revealing some great secret. “What if Scootaloo's transformation wasn't perfect? What if they couldn't mirror the natural flight magic of the pegasi when they transformed her into a pony?"
A low growl had formed in my throat. "Lots of pegasi can't fly until they get their cutie marks!" I snapped. "It's perfectly natural, Fluttershy could barely hover before she got her's, and she’s not on your list.” Lyra glanced down at the list, looking sheepish. “Scootaloo is now off your list,” I said, glaring. “Her wings will come in soon. I promised her she’ll fly, and she’ll fly."
"Oh, Rainbow Dash," Lyra said, shooting me a sympathetic smile. "I know you can't help but be loyal to the poor thing, but you can't deny the evidence piling up. Now fourth, the Cutie Mark Crusaders themselves. How do they always get their hooves on the tools for their schemes? I wouldn't know where to even start looking for a hang glider, and don’t get me started on the catapult incident, aiming for Pinkie Pie my hind hoof.” She muttered to herself for a moment. “My theory is she's brought a load of equipment with her from the human world."
"I--" I paused. I had been wondering how they managed that. "Huh, I wonder if humans aiding the CMC would count as a war crime?"
"A what crime?"
"Ack!" I clammed up. "I mean...” Scrambling around for a change of topic I hit upon the oldest excuse in the book. “That's not that weird. Foals will be foals, especially when you’re trying to get something as important as a cutie mark. Did I ever tell you how I got my mine?"
Lyra rolled her eyes at me. "Yes. Everypony knows that story. There's not a pony for twenty miles that doesn't. That doesn't change the mountain of evidence for Scootaloo being a human."
"Urgh." I smacked my head against the bough in frustration. "Did you not hear me? Your story makes no sense; Scootaloo's a perfectly normal pegasus filly." Lyra shook her head sadly, as if listening to a child claim rain fell on its own. I had to go for the kill. “How's a kid even supposed to evade your anthropology curse anyway?"
Lyra opened her mouth to protest, but then closed it, frowning to herself. “Oh, I guess that is a problem.”
I sighed. “Finally. So how about--”
"Oh! No, I've got it--" Ponyfeathers! "--it's the ultimate tragedy," she continued, unheeding of my silent scream of frustration. "A child lost between universes. A little girl who washes up on the shores of Equestria, no place to go, her family an infinite journey away, nowhere to turn but to the alien creatures that surround her." My jaw dropped, but Lyra was too caught up in her theorising to notice. "The only pony she can turn to is Princess Celestia, who takes pity on the poor waif, and offers her the chance to live with her people until the Princess can find a way to return her to her true home." I trembled, mentally begging the unicorn to stop. "But wherever she goes she'll always be an outsider, an alien, a monster, so the Princess gives her another choice. Become a pony--"
"Shut up!" I roared, slamming my hooves down on the bough, making the whole tree shake. "Scootaloo is not one of those monsters!" I took a deep shuddering breath. "She's a pony. She's just a pony."
Lyra stared at me. "Okay... objection noted. Rainbow Dash--"
"Besides. Humans don't exist," I snapped, furling and unfurling my wings as I fought the urge to take off. "They're just a foal's tale. Made up to scare stupid fillies who don't know better."
"You know, you said that about changelings."
"I know what I said about changelings," I said, snarling. I took a deep, calming breath. "Just, look. Please believe me when I say that humans aren't real."
Lyra cocked her head at me, a calculating look on her face. "So Sunset Shimmer is currently a..."
I think my heart skipped a beat. This wasn't a human hunt; Lyra was trying to see if she could kill me through shock. "How do you know these things?" I exclaimed. "Twilight told us not to tell anypony about the mirror world."
She just grinned. "Oh, I have my ways. Also Twilight loves both the sound of her own voice and correcting ponies who are wrong. You just have to drop a few incorrect facts around her and she'll trip over herself setting you right, regardless of how secret they are."
I scowled. Note to self, do not give private information to Twilight. That's in addition to Applejack and Pinkie Pie, and Rarity if the gossip is juicy enough. Maybe I should just keep things between me and Tank.
"Fine, fine, so you know about the mirror," I grumbled, Lyra nodded, her grin spreading wider. "That's not the human world though, that's just a weird human mirror... thing of Equestria."
"Oh sure, I get that, but if there's a mirror to one other world--" The look of horror on my face was clearly evidence enough for her. "See, I knew the princesses were hiding the human world from us! Have you been there? What's it like? Oh--"
"Lyra."
"--still speak Equestrian or--"
"Lyra."
"--what have they discovered while--"
"Lyra!" I put a hoof on her muzzle to shut her up. "There's no portal to the human world. There is no human world. The princesses would never allow that kind of threat to Equestria to exist. Humans are dangerous, Lyra. Even in the good myths they're horrible creatures. Cruel, violent and..." I petered out, my ears pricking up as I strained to hear. "Hang on. Has the drumming stopped?"
"Hi, Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo's piercing voice cut through the tree, making us both jump.
Sharing a glance with Lyra, I stuck my head out of the bottom the canopy. "Oh, hey squirt. What's up?" Below us the three Crusaders stood, staring up into the branches. Okay, two Crusaders, a butterfly had distracted Sweetie Belle, but she was there in spirit, at least.
"Um..." Scootaloo rubbed her foreleg. "Not a lot. Why are you and Ms. Lyra in a tree?"
For a moment I just stared. Okay, now would be a great time to lie like a discorded Applejack. "Well... we're bird watching?" They didn't look too incredulous, so I continued full speed. "Yeah, that's right, bird watching. We're looking for a... ah... rare Red Breasted Apple Warbler."
Applebloom frowned. "I ain't ever heard of a bird like that before."
"Well, that's the point!" I smashed my hooves together. "They look so much like apples, most ponies never even notice them." Applebloom shot me a sceptical look, so I quickly changed the subject. "Anyway, what are you fillies up to? Have you seen anything weird today?"
"Ack!" Applebloom stumbled backwards. "Nope. No. Nothing like that. Just boring old apple trees today."
Scootaloo nodded in agreement. "Yep, nopony turning into a wolf overnight or anything."
"Scootaloo!" Applebloom wailed.
Lyra stuck her head out of the leaves next to me. "Did I hear something about werewolves?"
"Ah, well, ya’ see-- run for it!" Scootaloo and Applebloom took off like a shot, vanishing between the trees in an instant, leaving Sweetie Belle behind.
After a long, awkward moment, I cleared my throat, and the little filly's head shot up.
"Hey!" she exclaimed, squeaking as she noticed her friends were gone. "Girls, wait up!" She hurried after the pair.
I sighed. There was something seriously weird going on with those three, but I already had one disaster on my hooves.
"So, werewolves?" Lyra continued.
"Oh, they're just fillies," I said, with a shrug. "It'll just be some game they're playing. Let’s just find the next pony on your stupid list and get this over with."
We arrived at Sunny Skies’ cottage just a few minutes after noon. I could only call the place quaint. It was a tiny one story house, nestled amongst the largest and tallest sunflower gardens in Ponyville. There was an ongoing feud between Sunny and the Flower Sisters over those sunflowers. A feud that had already gone from dark mutterings, to accusations that Sunny was using her influence within Celestia’s Court to get preferential sunlight.
"So, lay it on me," I told Lyra, as we squatted in a nearby tree. "How come Sunny's on your list?"
Lyra cocked an eyebrow at me. "You actually want to know?"
I just shrugged. Anything to keep her distracted.
"Fine,” Lyra pulled out her notebook again. “So reason one is more of the same. Recent arrival, in the same way as Time Turner and Scootaloo. No known relatives in the area, nopony's ever really got a straight answer out of her when they ask why she came to Ponyville either."
"Uh-huh." I nodded along. Sunny Skies stepped out into her garden. She was a diminutive pegasus, with a perfect white coat and hair as pink as Fluttershy’s. So far she'd shot down every single stallion on the weather team who'd tried to ask her out, brutally in some cases. There was a pool running on just what her problem was.
"Two, there's her frequent absences. Sure, she's supposed to be in Canterlot, but is that really true, or just a cover? Three, ties into that. I don't know about you but I've never heard of Celestia having a personal appointment secretary, so what's her real role, what is she hiding?"
"Well, if you ask Thunderlane, she's a secret agent placed in Ponyville to protect Twilight." I grinned. "He's got twenty bits on that, the idiot."
Lyra rolled her eyes. "So, what have you bet on?"
"Secretly Celestia," I told her, clapping my hooves together. "Mystery solved."
Lyra just shook her head at me, then frowned through her binoculars at the mare, who was now wielding a watering can. "Can I get in on this with secretly a human?"
"Sure, it's better than Blossomforth’s being a ‘reformed Windigo’ guess."
An uneasy silence stretched between us as Sunny Skies pottered around her garden, weeding, watering and occasionally nibbling on the plants. Lyra kept fidgeting. She didn't seem to be able to keep her eyes on the garden and kept shooting me odd glances. I didn't acknowledge her; whatever questions I had coming my way would be bad no matter what. Heck, knowing my luck, Lyra would be borrowing Pinkie's gyrocopter tomorrow and following me around.
"So, is the human portal on a thirty moon cycle too, like the Canterlot High one?"
I groaned. "Lyra..."
"Yeah, yeah. I get it. National security and all that--" Lyra turned her best smile on me. "--but I already know all about humans. You don't need to worry about me knowing a little more."
"Lyra, I'm not telling you anything," I snapped, glowering at her. "In fact. There's nothing to tell. There are no humans in Equestria, I can promise you that."
She cocked her head at me. "You don't like humans, do you?"
I shuddered. "Urgh no, they’re horrible things, even thinking about that creepy highschool Rainbow Dash clone puts my teeth on edge. All that naked skin... gurgh, no way. There’s stuff that Discord’s come up with that’s more attractive.”
“Oh come on,” Lyra said, rolling her eyes. “What about Spike? He doesn’t have any fur.”
“Scales and being naked aren’t the same thing,” I shot back. “Have you ever seen one of Fluttershy’s naked mole rats, they’re disgusting.” A sudden burst of paranoia gripped me, and I checked over my shoulder for any hidden buttercup pegasi. Lucky for me, the coast was clear.
Lyra grumbled in frustration. “You’re barely scratching the surface of being human! You don’t judge Spike just because he's got scales; why judge humans because of their skin?"
"Scales are different, loads of things have scales.” I threw up my hooves. “Just... naked is a whole new level of creepy, and don't get me started on the whole meat eating thing."
"Gryphons eat meat!" Lyra exclaimed, in disbelief.
"Yeah, but they don't keep, like, a billion cows enslaved to do it." I reached over and prodded Lyra in the chest. "Face it Lyra, they’re monsters. Name one good thing that humans have done."
She pushed my hoof away with a burst of magic. "Medicine," she said, in a growl.
"Pssh, that's just because they don't have magic." I dropped in a nasal drone. "Oh wow, my cold cleared up because of a pill. It's a miracle, I didn't have to walk down the street to find a unicorn to cast a feel better spell."
"Hey! We're not walking spell dispensers," Lyra snapped. "But fine, how about their ingenuity? They've created miraculous devices."
I wasn't going to allow her to have that one. "Most to kill even more distant humans in even lazier ways. Equestria is better off without them, sure as Celestia."
Lyra stamped a hoof, hard enough to shake the tree. "No, I am not losing this one. What about space travel? You've got to admit that that kind of technology is incredible. It's something that even Starswirl never contemplated, but humanity's been to their moon time and time again."
"Urgh." I facehooved. "Why would anypony want to go to a moon? There's nothing but dust, rocks and fallen stars, even Luna got sick of it after a century."
"Agriculture!" Lyra exclaimed.
My eyes narrowed. "Earth ponies."
"Poetry!"
"About killing things."
"Powered flight!"
"Powered flight?" I said, in a mocking lilt. I spread my wings and pointed a hoof at each one. "I've got these, Lyra. Why would I ever want a plane when I could chose these?"
She huffed, crossing her forearms and glowering at me. "How?" she exclaimed, shaking her head. "How can you know so much about humans and still hate them?"
"Because I grew out of them," I snapped. "I grew up, Lyra."
"That's even worse," she said, with a weary sigh. "How do you just grow out of wanting to be something more than yourself? How can you not want a pair of hands to call your own? How can you not want to live in a world where you can literally touch the stars? How can you dream so small?"
That touched a nerve. "The heck I dream small!" I snorted in rage. "I've saved Equestria. You might have heard of it; it's that country where you keep all your human junk! I'm a feathering hair away from being in the Wonderbolts! I am the fastest mare in Equestria. You think I'd be able to do all that if I was a human? A stupid, ugly, earthbound monkey!"
I gasped for breath, all out of rant for the moment. Lyra stared at me, her jaw hanging open.
"Celestia!" she swore. Across the road Sunny Sky's ears perked up, then again, half the town seemed to be watching us. "Of course! It explains how you know so much about them. It explains how you can fly better than any pegasus alive. It’s you," Lyra continued in a breathless rush. "I should have known it was you."
"You don't know anything, Lyra," I snapped. "I don't know what crazy theory you've got in your--"
"When did you come to Equestria, Rainbow Dash?"
I froze.
Funny, I thought a mare's life as she knew it was ending would come with dramatic music. At the very least, I expected Pinkie Pie going 'dun dun duh!' but she must have been out of town still. Whispers surrounded me, from the crowd stopped on the street below, from up in the skies and from nearby houses. All whispering about me. Wondering. Their suspicions building every second I sat in stunned horror.
"Buck you," I whispered, my voice a mere croak.
"What, but..."
"Buck you, Lyra!" I roared. "Leave me alone!" I spread my wings to take off.
"Wait! You can't just go." Lyra grabbed my leg. "I've got so many questions. There's so much--"
I kicked her off. Actually, I kicked her clear out of the tree, before taking off like somepony had attached my wings to a rocket. I pushed myself faster and faster, unheading and uncaring just where I was going. The destination didn't matter, as long as it was far away from Ponyville. Besides, I could barely see past the tears in my eyes.
The sunset turned the sky a brilliant crimson, and I paid not a single iota of attention. I lounged on my roof, a bottle of Big Mac's emergency Applejack Brandy beside me, open but almost untouched. It had been a hell of a job to swipe it from the farm without anypony spotting me; putting it back before Big Mac realised it was gone was going to be worse. Any hope of drinking the evidence and dropping the bottle in Ghastly Gorge seemed to be vanishing along with the dregs of the day.
Muttering to myself, I took another swig and forced a swallow. It wasn't fair. How come every other pony could just drink their problems away? Books and movies always made it sound so easy; just get a bottle and wake up the next morning with a headache and a new problem. I had the bottle, but I couldn't bring myself to get drunk. I couldn't sit still while my life fell down around my ears. I’d never been the kind of pony who could sit still.
With a deep sigh, I levered myself out of the clouds. Picking up the bottle in the crook of my wing, I picked my way through a skylight back into my beloved house. The mansion in the sky didn't seem to hold the same magic as it used to. My trophy room, piled high with ribbons, mementoes and medals didn't seem to be able to lift my spirits as it always did. Tank was no help. Either he was too tired or just keeping his eyes on the lettuce, it was hard to tell. Even my Wonderbolts memorabilia, including my own trainee flight suit, didn’t make any difference. A sudden fear gripped me. What were the Wonderbolts going to say when they heard? Once Lyra finished telling all of Equestria about her damned theories, they’d ban me from all the races. Then what would I do? Die a no-name weathermare? No thanks.
My hooves carried me to my bedroom without any input from my brain. I still had my foalhood trunk hidden under my bed. It was garish in the extreme, painted in the rainbow my seven year old self had thought so witty. The paint had faded over the years, but the stickers that dotted its surface proudly proclaimed all the cities I'd been to, all the air shows I'd seen, and some things that I'd thought looked cool at the time. With tender care, I pulled it out and set it on my bed.
"Okay Dash. Just one look."
I set the bottle down next to me and, being cautious with the old hinges, opened the trunk. It was the first time the contents had seen the light of day in years, and most of it was just so much precious junk. In the corner though, buried under a small pile of Cloudsdale pennants was an old backpack, a battered baseball hat and a stack of unread letters from Princess Celestia. She still sent them every thirty moons without fail; I don’t think I’d ever replied to a single one. Trembling slightly, I lifted the battered hat to my head. It didn't fit. It hadn't fit for decades. The designers never designed it to fit a full grown mare, nor was it sized for a filly. The alien lettering read 'I 
New York' and the name stitched into the lining was equally alien: 'Robin Daniels'.
I held that battered rag close to my chest, fresh tears forming in my eyes.
"Rainbow Dash."
"Argh!" The hat went flying away, and I rounded on the intruder. "Alright you-- Princess?" I stared slack jawed at Princess Celestia, who was, for some reason standing at my bedroom door. I shook myself. "No, I don't care if you are royalty. You can still get your flank out of my house!"
"I'm not here as royalty," she said, stepping towards me. "I'm here as your friend. Rainbow Dash, nopony should ever talk about their own kind with such venom."
I huffed. "Great, so you heard about that. What, did Lyra tell everypony in Equestria about me already?"
"Not quite. In fact, my good friend, Sunny Skies, was able to contact me in time to... prevent any lasting damage.” She smiled at her own private joke. “Miss Heartstrings means you no harm, Rainbow Dash. She understands when knowledge must be kept close to help all involved."
"You've bribed her, didn’t you?" I shot her a flat look.
"With a worrying level of access to restricted texts, yes." Celestia chuckled. "You don't have to worry about your secret escaping. Still, we do need to talk."
"No, no we don't. You’ve sent me a dozen copies of the same letter, and you never get a answer. Just give up already!"
Shaking her head and stepping into the room. Celestia took a seat on my bed before gesturing for me to sit next to her. Grumbling, I did so, through I batted away her wing as she attempted to drape it over my back.
"Rainbow Dash, when you arrived in my throne room all those years ago, I knew that you would flourish in Equestria. You are not the first to spend time as one of my ponies, but I can think of no other so excited to become a pegasus." She smiled fondly, and I rolled my eyes. Who wouldn't be? "But, my little pony, I never expected nor demanded you spend your whole life in Equestria. When the planes aligned again, I thought you would go home."
I glared at her. Twilight would probably have my head for being so disrespectful, but it had been a very long day. "I was eight,” I growled. “I’d got my cutie mark two weeks before. I'd done a sonic rainboom! Why would I have ever gone back, Princess? What exactly was waiting for me on Earth?"
She raised a bow at me. "Your family, perhaps?"
I leapt into the air, glowering at her, fighting to find words. Tossing my head I floated over to where the hat had fallen. "My family is in Equestria," I snapped, brandishing the cap. "This is a cruddy old baseball cap, with a name I don’t even recognise. Why would I go back to Earth on the off chance that I could find... what, some woman who I haven't seen in decades? The heck to all that!"
"As you said at the time." She bowed her head. "But the filly who begged for another thirty moons in Equestria didn't hate where she came from. She loved her cutie-mark, yes, but I know she missed her real mother, whom she loved with all her heart. What happened to her?"
"I grew up, okay," I snapped, throwing up my hooves. "I have a life. I'm this close to being a Wonderbolt, and if I go back I’ve got... what? There’s no family on Earth, no dreams, no nothing. I’ll just be a stupid, ugly, violent monkey, in a world full of stupid monkeys!” I hurled the cap at her, and Celestia caught it with her magic. “I am never going back!”
Celestia let loose a weary sigh. “It terrifies me to think that I have caused such rage in you, and such fear.”
“I am not afraid!” I roared. “I am Rainbow Dash. I am the fastest mare in Equestria, the Element of Loyalty and a future Wonderbolt. I am not afraid. And I am not a human.” I spat the word, holding a threatening hoof in front of Celestia’s muzzle, daring her to correct me. “If I were a human I would have none of those things. Humans don’t have wings!”
My voiced echoed through the empty house.
Celestia said nothing, but she didn’t have to to make her point. I sank to the bed, my faithful wings failing to support me. I trembled as, for a moment, I was back in Discord’s maze, grounded, wingless. My wings were everything to me, my every goal, my every hope, and my destiny. I couldn’t live without them.
I was afraid. “You can’t convince me to give up my entire life for a fantasy.” I murmured, trembling.
“I’m afraid that I already did.” she said, with a sad shake of her head.
I couldn’t stay there. Not with Celestia, not with that trunk of nightmares looming over me. Shaking out my wings I took to the sky and accelerated away, out of the window. Princess Celestia didn’t move a single muscle to stop me.
I don’t know if I wanted the princess to come after me. I guess part of me wanted her to be there, to yell at, to make her explain why she was tormenting me, to... to... I don’t know. Tell me how to fix my bucked up life, I guess. It was stupid, my life shouldn’t need fixing. Heck, my life is awesome, but somehow it still hurt.
The cloud I was on shook as purple light exploded into existence next to me. I shied back from Lyra as the unicorn staggered and shook herself. “Whoa, I’ll never get used to teleporting.” She leaned over the edge of the cloud and yelled. “Thanks, Twilight! I’ve got it from he-argh!”
Her hoof slipped on the edge, and I had to leap to grab her by the tail before she went plummeting to her death. With a twist of my head, I dragged her back onto solid cloud which she held onto for dear life.
“Why do you sit up here?” she wailed.
“I’m a pegasus,” I said, scowling at her. “It’s what we do.”
“But--”
White hot rage flashed through me. “I am a pegasus,” I repeated in a growl. “Not a human.”
Lyra hung her head. “Look, Rainbow Dash, Princess Celestia told me all about you. You don’t have to pretend around me.” She caught my threatening glare and hurried up. “I just wanted to say, I’m really sorry for everything I said. I thought... Well, I’m not really sure what I thought. I just wanted you to see humanity the way I see them, as something wonderful, not just a race of barbarians.”
“Urgh, I don’t care.” I ground my hooves against the cloud as Lyra’s face fell. “I don’t care why you did it, Lyra. Everypony in this town has secrets, and you had no right to pry into them like you did.”
“But, I actually found you!” she protested. “This is the most important thing I’ve ever discovered!”
“Great!” I snapped, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “Well done. You found the secret monkey, you win. Now go home.”
Lyra’s ears folded flat. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to know.”
I clasped my face with my hooves. “Know what, Lyra? Know what? Actually don’t answer that, I really don’t care. You won, okay. You get access to Celestia’s super secret mystery vault and as many toys as you can get your hooves on. Now get out of my life.”
For a moment I thought she was going to turn tail and run, but instead Lyra took a deep breath to steel herself. “No. I’m sorry but there’s one more question I have to ask. Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why Equestria?”
A deep sigh escaped me, and I glanced over at the over inquisitive unicorn. She was never going to leave me alone, not while I was still an enigma for her to solve. “Fine,” I whispered, staring out at Canterlot, which shone like a signal fire in the night. “I never chose Equestria. There are Ways between the worlds. Some are well known, like Twilight’s mirror, and others just appear when you least expect them. When I was about five, I managed to find one of those random ones and walked through. I... I don’t even know if I regret it, but, I made my choice, wandered down a path that shouldn’t exist and ended up on the road to Canterlot.
“Dad found me there,” I continued, hanging my head. “My adopted Dad that is. He took me straight to Celestia, but the proper portal to Earth wasn’t set to open again for years.” My voice caught in my throat. “I wanted to go home but Equestria was just the most awesome thing I’d ever seen, so it didn’t hurt that much. I got my cutie-mark just a month before the portal reopened, and I did a Sonic-Rainboom to earn it too. I just-- just couldn’t go back.”
I shook myself, fighting back the dampness that clung to my eyes. “I was seven. I didn’t know where home was, and I mean that literally. I don’t know where on Earth my parents lived and it was insane to just send a seven year old to an alien world and just hope she stumbled back home. So I stayed, and was happy, and every time the portal opened we went through the same dance where I’d put it off until next time. Next time I won’t be half-way through my applied meteorology, next time I won’t have to keep an eye on a chaos god, next time I’ll...” I shrugged, a deep sigh escaping me. “It’ll always be next time.”
Lyra pursed her lips, then shrugged. “So go then,” she said, as if advising me to drink more milk.
I did a double take. “What?”
“Go,” she repeated. “Next time, just go.”
“Go?” I exclaimed. “I can’t just go! My friends are here. My family. Heck, the Wonderbolts are this close to taking me on as a full time member.”
“But think of the mystery,” Lyra shot back, beaming. “Think of the adventure. There’s a whole alien world out there, filled with more wonders than you could ever imagine and technology beyond our wildest dreams. If it were me, I’d be there already. How can you not take this chance?”
I raised a brow at her, momentarily sceptical, but then I shook my head. “Yeah. You probably would.” I spread my wings wide, stepping forwards to the edge of the cloud. “I’m not you though. Look out there. That’s Equestria. I’ve saved that from a dozen different monsters. My family lives here, the family that raised me from a blank flank little filly to the fastest mare in Equestria. My friends rely on me to be here—to be Rainbow Dash—to be awesome.”
For just a brief moment the other path opened up before me. It was a world where a grieving mother reunited with her daughter after decades of separation. It was a world where I had a life in an alien land. It was world that just wasn’t worth the cost.
I took a deep breath and declared to the world. “I am not Robin Daniels.” The words escaped me without the familiar twinge of regret. “And I’m not going back to Earth. Not now, not ever.”
I bowed my head, letting a final tear fall into the cloud, which vanished in an instant.
I am a pegasus.
I am Rainbow Dash.
I couldn’t bear to be anything else.
After all, humans don’t have wings.
