Broken Colt
Winter Wrap-Up had begun again with renewed vigor, everypony was hard at work following the plan Twilight had organized. That is, everypony but Caramel. After he and Big Mac had told Applejack that he had lost he couldn’t bear to see how upset she was. Her disappointment was more painful than anything else in his he had felt in his life. He tried so hard, but it was never enough. If he didn’t lose something than he accidentally broke something if it wasn’t that, than he was physically unable to perform the task. Which is what led him to the edge of the Everfree Forest. It was better this way, Winter Wrap-Up would get done faster without him and nopony would see what he was about to do to himself.
It had started a couple of weeks ago, on one of his worst days yet. First he was relieved of plowing duty in the west fields because he had barely moved three feet in half an hour. Then he found out he had lost the corn seeds for the field, so he was relieved of planting. What’s worse was that Applejack was the one who had assigned him the task both times. Than while working on a new barbed wire fence to keep some wild animals out he somehow broke a piece of barb wire causing it swing towards him. He tried to get out of the way of it and sort of succeeded. Instead of getting cut along his body it made a cut across his hind leg. The strange thing was the pain felt good, it gave him something to feel aside from bitterness at himself and the overwhelming sadness.
He worked on repairing the barbed wire a little more carefully since no pony had seen the accident and in fact got the fence finished. Following dinner Caramel turned in for the night, as did the rest of the Apple family. Even so Caramel couldn’t get any sleep that night. Everything that had gone wrong that day replayed in his mind. The disappointment in Applejack’s eyes dominating it all, and it wouldn’t stop. Caramel grabbed one of his boots near his bed and threw it at the mirror that was hanging on the wall shattering it. Suddenly he remembered the cut on his back leg. How nice the pain had felt over the other emotions, how relieving it was to the internal agony.
“What’s wrong with me?” Caramel thought as the memory came to mind. “Nothing at all. If it helps don’t think of it as relief.” Whispered another voice in his head. “Think of it as punishment.” It finished. So he carefully picked up a shard of mirror and gently placed its sharp edge by the top of his forehoof, slowly sliding it against his skin. The pain was absolutely wonderful. Yes it hurt but he deserved it so it was worth it.
From that night on, Caramel would carefully find a spot where he could make a cut that wouldn’t be noticed unless somepony looked hard, and even if they did notice it they’d probably assume it was from another one of his famous mishaps.
That’s what he was doing at the edge of the Everfree Forest, between the sobs wracking his body from disappointing her again, he was cutting at himself wherever he was able to reach. Careful not to make it too deep, he hated his life but he was too much of a coward to end it. When the mirror edge became useless, (he had carried it with him in his saddlebags certain that something would merit a punishment), he found a sharp stick and continued.
“This is for losing the grass seeds.” He would say through the stick of wood, slash. “This is for disappointing AJ.” Slash. “This is for even thinking that she’d EVER be interested in you.” Slash, slash, slash. He stopped and began to sob again. “What’s wrong with me? Dear Celestia, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do anything right? Why can’t I be good at anything?” He stopped thinking it was wrong to cut himself, it was the only thing he could do right. He looked at the time and realized that he had spent the whole afternoon there. He realized that the others would probably start looking for him. “They can’t see me like this.” Caramel said to himself. “They can’t see me ever again.” And with those words he ran off into the Everfree Forest. Nopony would look for Caramel there. He wouldn’t dare go into the Everfree Forest even he was that stupid.
Ever since Twilight had gotten everypony organized it had been a much nicer day for Applejack. And now that Winter Wrap-Up had officially been finished she was looking forward to dinner with the family and farmhands. There was not a single care in the world for Applejack. Except for Caramel, Applejack thought of it she hadn’t seen the deep voiced, tan coated colt all afternoon. As she walked to the farmhouse with her brother she asked him if he had seen Caramel either.
“Nope, when you and Fluttershy were playin’ tug a war over how fast or slow the weather team needed to move Caramel told me that he was going back to the farm to look for the grass seeds.” Answered Big Mac.
That was not the answer Applejack wanted to hear. As of late Caramel had been acting a little strange. Whenever he made a mistake he didn’t apologize as much as he used to, he just seemed to accept it. When she had complimented him on the fence he had put up a couple of days ago he had said “Thanks”, but it sounded flat and emotionless. It didn’t take a genius like Big Mac to realize something was up and the idea that something was wrong with Caramel frightened her.
Ever since Caramel had arrived to work on the farm two years ago Applejack had been intrigued by him. Sure he wasn’t the best farmhand around but he put everything he was worth into it. Usually it didn’t work out for him, and when that happened he took it hard. It really had made an impression on Applejack, and by now Applejack was willing to admit that she had fallen for him.
“Ah don’t think he went back to the farm.” Applejack said.
“Eeyup.” Answered Big Macintosh
“I’m scared Big Mac, Caramel hasn’t been acting like himself lately.” Applejack confided.
“Eeyup.” Answered the ever stoic red coated earth pony.
Applejack began to get the shivers as realization washed over her. She remembered noticing a small cut Caramel’s right forehoof. At the time she assumed he had got it from some sort of farm accident but now…
“I gotta go find him.” Applejack said as she started running towards the only place in Ponyville that would guarantee some privacy…The border of the Everfree Forest.
After Caramel had made it into the Everfree Forest he broke another stick and began the process again. “Coward.” Slash. “Wimp.” Slash. “Nopony.” Slash, slash, slash.
He dropped the stick so he could speak clearly. “How could any mare love you? Look at yourself, your coat’s too bright for any self-respecting stallion. Your mane just looks stupid. You look ridiculous. How could any mare but your mother care about you? And not even she did.” Slash, slash, slash, slash, slash. He broke down in tears again. “Why can’t I just die? Why won’t whoever is in charge stop torturing me and KILL ME ALREADY?” He yelled the last part. He continued to sob for a while until he noticed that he was lying near a patch of brambles. He was about to shove his face in it “no mare can stand to look at me anyways,” he reasoned. When he heard a familiar voice shout. “CARAMEL STOP!!!!”
Caramel turned to see who had spoken and to his eternal shame, saw Applejack there looking down at him.
It only made sense to run straight to the Everfree Forest. Nopony went there if they could avoid it, and Winter Wrap-up day would be one of those days where everypony could. So that’s where Applejack ran to. When she came to its border she noticed two things, a bloody piece of a broken mirror, and a sharp stick. The sight frightened Applejack. “Caramel what have you been doing to yourself?” she asked.
That’s when she heard Caramel’s bone chilling yell. It wasn’t necessarily the yell that chilled her but what was yelled. Adrenaline coursed through Applejack’s body at those words. She bolted to the source of the scream, and arrived just in time to see Caramel about to shove himself into the bramble bush she shouted to get his attention and was relieved that it worked. Until she saw his eyes, it’s not that he was bad to look at, in fact even now covered in cuts he was easy on the eyes; instead it was the utter lack of life in them. Applejack had never been more frightened in her life than she was now.
Upon realizing that Applejack had seem him Caramel started to tear off hoping to run across one of the horrors of the forest so it could end it all for him. Just to avoid the absolute disgust Applejack must feel for him now. “If there was ever a chance I could have won her over before, it’s gone now.” He thought, only to find himself knocked to the ground. He tried to fight to get up and keep running only to be pushed down even harder.
“If you even think Ah’m goin’ to let you get away right now you got another thing comin’.” Applejack warned. “Now if y’all that you aren’t going to run away than ah’ll let you go. Ya hear?”
Caramel only nodded which was good enough for Applejack because she got off of him. “Please go away now. Pleas just go.” He whispered desperate to get away from the loathing Applejack must’ve felt for him now.
Applejack scoffed. “So you can keep slicin’ at yourself ‘til you die? Not very likely.”
“Please Applejack; just go away, just let it happen. I’m sick of being a waste of space. Of failing at everything. Of knowing that I’ll never be able to do anything right. Most of all I’m sick of going to bed every night realizing that nopony but my parents could ever love me.” Caramel said. Then fighting the tears once more he said. “Please I don’t need pity, I don’t need help. I just need to die.” He said as he curled up in a ball, begging inside that she’d leave.
Applejack was near tears herself; it was heart wrenching to see him beat himself up over this. She got down to his level “What makes you say that?” she asked fighting against her own tears.
“BECAUSE IT’S TRUE!!!!” Caramel lashed out. “I’m not strong or smart like Big Macintosh, I break anything I touch if I don’t lose the damn thing. I get kicked from one job because I either can’t do it or mess it up completely. I’m a useless waste of space. Please Applejack just leave me, leave me here and live the rest of your life. I’m no one to be missed, I’m not worth saving, so please stop trying.”
Applejack could no longer hold her tears back. She threw her hooves around Caramel and began to sob. “Ah won’t leave yah here Caramel. No more than I could leave Applebloom, Big Macintosh, or Granny Smith. Ah love yah too much dammit.” She said.
Caramel froze it would have hurt less if she just left him there, if she had left when she first saw him. But to lie to get him to come back? That was just too much. He pushed Applejack off of him.
“Stop it! Please just stop, I said I didn’t want pity. Lying to me hurts even more than that. Please stop torturing me. Please.” He began to plead
Applejack roughly grabbed his face with her hooves, one of the few places that hadn’t been scratched up in his brutality. “Caramel, I love you. I love you so much. I love how you put everything you got into what you do. I love how you always strive to be better. I love how you look. I love everything about you. And I love you too much for you to do this to yourself. Please come home.”
As Caramel was forced to look into her green eyes he could see that every word she said was true. He didn’t say a word he just pulled her in and kissed her. He still might’ve been a careless forgetful colt, but the fact that he was loved made all the difference.
Author’s note: I do not endorse self-harm but I have actually done it. Most of what Caramel is thinking during his cutting scenes are indeed my own thoughts. The idea of it being a punishment for mistakes made, as well as the idea of never being loved by anyone outside of family are EXACTLY what led me to that. It was a very short time period but still left a distinct impression. Did I have an Applejack to pull me out of it? No. It was more that my dad found out and I loathe the idea of therapy.
If you know anyone who you think might be doing this to themselves, be it friend, family member or someone you have a crush on. Please, please let them know that you do love them, care about them, and worry for them.