Y'allin'by shortskirtsandexplosionsChaptersY'allin'Y'“A most splendid castle indeed, Your Highness.” A smile crossed the aristocratic gazelle's muzzle. He trotted down the grand hall of Princess Twilight's Palace, escorted by Twilight herself and her six closest friends. “And I find it most impressive that sheer magic conjured it up. Surely it is a testament to your power and sovereignty as Equestria's new Princess of Friendship.” “Well, I wouldn't know about all of that, Sir Autumn Breeze,” Twilight Sparkle said. She adjusted her crown and smiled at him in mid-stride. “I'm simply glad that the rainbow spell worked when it did. I'm not certain we would have defeated Tirek in any other way.” “From what I've always understood, it was your untainted grasp of harmony that ended Tirek's reign before it started.” Autumn Breeze turned towards her, his bejeweled horns glittering in the light through the stained glass windows. “I'm most fortunate to have dined with you and your fellow companions in person, for now I know first-hoof that the heart of Equestria is truly at peace.” He bowed low, bearing an eloquent smile across his bleached white muzzle. “On behalf of all gazelle in Stone Trot Valley, I am honored to have made your acquaintance, Princess Twilight, and I greatly look forward to all of the future arrangements between your province and ours.” “As do I, Sir Duke.” Twilight Sparkle curtsied. “My friends and I stand by to defend your subjects, just as we pledge loyalty to the equines of Ponyville and beyond.” She glanced over her shoulder with a smile. “Isn't that right, girls?” “Oh, yes!” Rarity chimed in. “Absolutely,” Fluttershy said with a nod. “Darn tootin'!” Applejack smiled. “Awww yeah!” Rainbow Dash winked. “Yaaaay! Gazelle buds! Gazelle buds!” Pinkie Pie hopped in place. “We've got some happy bouncing gazelle buds!” “Erm...” Twilight blushed slightly, turning back towards the Duke. “They... all m-mean that with the utmost respect, Sir Duke.” “Heheheh...” He chuckled in a low, bass voice. “Of that, I have no doubt.” Pinkie Pie shuffled up, giving a bold salute. “When you and your fellow stone-hoppers need cupcakes to the max—just call on Sugarcube Corner, Duke! We've got your royal backs! Heeheee!” “A most pleasant offer, Miss Pie.” Autumn Breeze smiled. “If the baking is anything like what you've graciously served me today, I'm sure my subjects will be more than pleased.” Rarity trotted up, her cheeks slightly flushed. “Today was my first time having lunch with an actual Duke, and I must say: I shan't feel quite as thrilled again as I did this glorious afternoon.” She curtsied gracefully. “It was a supreme honor to bask in your handsome presence, Sir Duke.” Autumn Breeze bowed low to the mare. “A pleasure, Lady Rarity. Goddess speed with your entrepreneurial fashion pursuits.” Rarity stifled a deep, girly squeal. As she awkwardly backtrotted, Fluttershy stepped up. “If by any chance, Sir Duke, you and the subjects of Stone Trot Valley need any assistance in Wrapping Up Winter, I would be most happy to lend my hoof in waking the animals for you.” “And the local fauna would greatly benefit from your expertise, Miss Fluttershy. Your merciful offer shall not be forgotten.” Rainbow Dash zipped up. “And, y'know, if you need any clouds kicked?” She struck a brash pose in midair and smirked. “I'm just a horse whistle away! Sunny, rainy, or windy? I can give your subjects any weather they want in a Neigh York minute!” Autumn Breeze's teeth showed beneath his white muzzle. “Of that, I have no doubt.” Just then, an orange shape shuffled up to the gazelle. He turned to look at her. “Miss Applejack, it's been a pleasure.” “Right you are, Sir Duke.” The farm mare lowered her hat, holding it over her chest as she gave a freckled smile. “And should there ever be a need for the finest apples in all of Equestria...” “Heheh... I know precisely where to go,” he said. “Eeeyup!” She plopped her hat back on her head and winked at the monarch. “Y'all enjoy a safe trip back home, y'hear?” Duke Autumn Breeze opened his mouth to respond, but he hesitated a bit, his smile hanging precariously off a listless blink or two. Something in Twilight Sparkle's eyes twitched. She began fidgeting for some inexplicable reason, her gaze glued to the empty space between the farm mare and the visiting dignitary. The dull silence persisted, devouring the space of three seconds... five... seven... “Erm... yes! Uhm...” Autumn Breeze's smile rocked from side to side like a fuzzy ship lost at sea. Finally, his voice settled with: “We... I will be certain to avoid any obstacles along the way home.” “Heheheh...” Applejack chuckled, nodding. “That's the spirit! Take care, now!” “Indubitably.” Autumn Breeze pivoted to face Twilight Sparkle one last time. “Your Highness...” He bowed. Applejack and Rainbow Dash held the door open for the gazelle, and he went outside with dainty little hops. Outside, his carriage and dutiful servants waited. Once he boarded the vehicle and departed, the mares closed the door gently, shutting out the warm Ponyville air. “Whew-wee!” Applejack wiped her brow. “Wow, that went a heck of a lot better than I expected!” “I was kinda expecting a real stiff poser,” Rainbow's voice cracked. “But that guy was totally cool!” “Rainbow, darling, that 'guy,' is the Duke of Stone Trot Valley.” Rarity sighed, fanning herself. “And—my stars—those horn ringlets were absolutely divine! I must find out if the rubies are imported or not!” Fluttershy walked into the main foyer with Rarity and Applejack. “I would absolutely love to meet his family in the Valley sometime. Just hearing his stories about the little ones they're raising?” Her cheeks turned rosy. “They sound soooooooo cuuuuute...” “Heehee!” Pinkie bounced after them. “When I grow up, I wanna have cool sparkly horns like the Duke!” “Pinkie, you are grown up!” Rainbow groaned. “Then where are my horns, huh?” “Where else?” Applejack chortled. “They grew into yer dang chest and bore you a second stomach!” “Yeah! That's how I can eat so much, you guys!” Pinkie sing-songed. The Palace filled with laughter, drawing further and further away with melodic echoes. Twilight could scarcely hear them, for she was suddenly frozen in spot, her lavender coat having turned a paler shade. The alicorn sat still, eyes locked on the door through which the Duke had made his polite exit. And she couldn't stop sweating... aThree days later, Rarity trotted gaily towards the large front entrance to Twilight Sparkle's Palace, balancing a slender box on her back. She hummed to herself, tossing her mane in the crisp morning air of Ponyville. At last, she reached the front stoop, shuffling to a stop with a ladylike sigh. With gentle telekinesis, she rang the dangling bell at the entrance, then stepped back with a patient smile. Not long after, a dragon whelp opened the door, gazing out with haggard scales and bloodshot eyes. “Mrmmmfff... Rarityyy...?” Spike stifled a yawn. “Why, good morning to you, Spikey Wikey!” Rarity grinned elegantly. “Perchance, would Twilight be awake? I have something fabulous to give the Princess.” “Grrfff...” Spike folded his arms and walked out the Palace—and straight past the unicorn. “Go and see for yourself. And good luck.” “What... why...” Rarity blinked, lifting a dainty forelimb as she glanced at the retreating dragon. “...good luck with what, Spike? What ever do you mean?” “Sugarcube Corner. I need sugar. A pick me up.” And Spike continued his exhausted, serpentine waddle towards the pastel bakery in question. “Hmmmm...” Rarity stared off into space. Eventually, she shrugged it off, and made her way inside the Palace's foyer. “Oh hellooooooooooo...” The mare was kind enough to shut the front door behind her with magic. “Twilight, darling? It's your dear friend, Rarity. I do hope I am not intrudiiiiiiiiing!” The unicorn didn't have to wander for long. She was less than ten meters into the heart of the Palace when she sensed a lavender aura emanating from an adjacent room. Weighed forward by a proud smile, she spun about and shuffled ecstatically into the chamber. “Twilight! Look! It's the dress you asked me to touch up for you!” Rarity undid the ribbon and levitated a shiny blue gown out into the open. “Taa-daaaa! Ee-hee-hee!” She grinned wide, bubbling with glee as she twirled the glittery item around in her magic field. “Isn't it just divine? I do hope you don't mind the excessive accents along the skirt's hem. After all, a girl can never have too much petti and lace. Ahem.” She graced the walls of the room with a coy smile. “Somepony is going to get that.” But just then, she blinked. “... … ...errrm... Twilight?” “Shhh! Just a minute, Rarity,” hissed a very frazzled, very anxious Twilight. The Princess had been reduced to a jittery sack of loose limbs, plopped down in the center of a complex double-helix of stacked books, dictionaries, thesauri, and anthropological textbooks. She dabbed a floating quill pen into the last of six lined-up inkwells—the only inkwell that hadn't dried up, and she proceeded to sketch several complex notes and syntactical diagrams across a sheet of paper lingering on the top of a grotesquely tall pile of identically scribbled sheets. “I almost have this finished.” “Erm... almost have what finished, darling?” With gentle finesse, Rarity tucked the extravagant dress back into her box and laid it at the floor at the entrance to the cluttered room. “This... looks like quite the undertaking.” She gasped, almost tripping over a veritable bastion made out of thick encyclopedias—both old and new. “My word! Just how long have you been working on this... whatever this is?” “Mrmmmm...” Twilight blinked blearily into the ethereal purple torchlight of her study. “Remind me. How many times does a rooster crow each day?” “Erm... once, darling.” “Ah. Three. Three days, then.” “Three days?!” Rarity leaned back, aghast. “Celestia's bells, Twilight! I do certainly hope you are working on a new Amendment for the Equestrian Constitution!” “Nope!” Twilight bore a twitching grin. “This is something even better! It's an essay on the errors of regional colloquialism, specifically rural dialects of Equestrian Basic situated within the Central Plains.” “Ooooh! A discourse of modern linguistics! How quaint!” Rarity smiled. “I'm certain Princess Celestia will be absolutely pleased—” “Nope.” Twilight shook her head, continuing to write and scribble between regimental dabs into the ink well. “This is not meant for Princess Celestia's eyes.” “Oh.” Rarity blinked. “Well, then, I'm certain Princess Luna can find the time to read the product of your hard work—” “I'm not writing it to Luna either.” “Erm...” Rarity gulped. “Then... uhhm... I'm certain that your good friend Princess Cadance will be tickled pink! Or pinker, as t'were.” “Uh uh.” Twilight dotted the last sentence on the last page and began shuffling the massive wad of sheets into a tight, geometric solid. “I didn't have any of the other Princesses in mind when I started writing this essay. After all, they're hardly a suitable audience. Besides, it would be rather redundant, given their grammatical predilections.” “Oh... uhm...” “No, this essay is meant for a pony much... much closer to my heart.” “I see.” Rarity nodded. “Well, if you so desire, Twilight, I would be more than honored to give this essay you've made a fine perusal—” “And that's a very generous offer, Rarity, but I didn't write this for you.” The Princess looked up. “I made this for Applejack to read.” At that precise moment, the entire room exploded with cacophonous gunshot. It took a few labored breaths between both mares for them to realize that it was the sound of Rarity's impulsive snort. “HAH! Applejack?! Our Applejack? Oh, Twilight darling, that is most exceedingly rich!” “No, Rarity,” Twilight said, seriously, with a serious face. “I'm serious.” “Applejack?” Rarity's arched eyebrow nearly scraped the ceiling. “Our Applejack? The same mare who sees a thickly-bound residential listing and fancies it a fine aid in allowing her darling little Apple Bloom to sit at the family dinner table?” “Erm... yes.” Twilight blinked. “Why, is there a problem with that?” “Twilight, exactly how many pages is this... research paper?” “Uhhhh...” Twilight waved the brick-like clump in front of her eyes. She glanced back at Rarity. “About three hundred and seventy-two pages short. Why?” “Three hundred and seventy-two pages?!” Rarity grimaced visibly. “Good Goddess, Twilight! Haven't you ever heard of proofreading?” “Absolutely!” Twilight bore a proud smile that burst through her insomniac wrinkles. “What else do you think I've been doing over the past thirty-six hours?” “Twilight, I'm certain you have divine intentions here, but... but...” Rarity bit on the edge of her fetlock, trembling slightly at the sight of the ink-thick sheets. “...Applejack?! She's... she's...” “What?” “Oh dear...” Rarity fanned herself. “How do I put this without sounding obtuse?” She stared into empty space for a few seconds, then spun towards Twilight with a smile. “She's obtuse!” “Eh?” Twilight blinked. “Erm... I-I mean grammatically!” Rarity squeaked. “A good read simply doesn't have the same effect on Applejack as it does on you or me, darling! She'd take one look at this and see a doorstop for keeping her barn open, not a provocative source of educational material!” “In this case, I beg to differ!” Twilight said, tapping the cover page of the massive manuscript. “Once I convince her of how important this essay is, believe me, Applejack will want nothing more than to read each page from start to finish! Especially when she realizes how much it pertains to her!” “Erm... in what way does a huge treatise on Equestrian Basic colloquialisms pertain to our Applejack?” “In what way?!?” Twilight's gawking muzzle hung so heavily that her whole body tilted incredulously towards Rarity. “Rarity, are you serious?!” Her brow spasmed, each eye struggling against the bloodshot blight consuming them with each twitching millisecond. “In. What. Way? Do I wear a huge pink diaper?!” “Erm...” Rarity fidgeted. “Not at this precise second...” “Then you aren't fever dreaming this moment, now, are you?” Twilight pointed at herself, at Rarity, and then at herself again. “You can certifiably agree that this is real life?” “I... shall say 'yes' here and nod my head, darling.” “Rarity, you were there at the Royal Luncheon! You heard it! You heard everything!” “Heard what, darling?” Rarity squinted. “Wait... does this have anything to do with our splendid meeting with the most esteemed Duke Autumn Breeze of Stone Trot Valley?” “Yes, Rarity! Yes!” Twilight exhaled, starting to pace in frantic, lavender circles. “This has everything to do with our meeting with the Duke of Stone Trot Valley! But, even more specifically, Applejack's behavior in front of the Duke of Stone Trot Valley!” “Applejack?!” Rarity leaned back, her muzzle wrenched with confusion. “Was... was there something truly amiss? I was there, Twilight. In my estimation, Applejack was every bit a polite lady! An absolute paragon of country manners if there ever was one!” “Yes, Rarity, Applejack was polite. Applejack was well-mannered. Applejack was honorable and respectful.” “Then what ever is the problem, dear?” “Didn't you hear Applejack, Rarity? I mean... when she spoke to our guest?!” The unicorn could only draw a blank. Twilight slid over, practically hissing: “She referred to Duke Autumn Breeze in the singular... using a plural second-person pronoun with a contraction!” Rarity's ears twitched. She kept leaning her head away from Twilight's flaring nostrils. “Then... this... all of this is about our dear Applejack's habitual utilization of country slang?” “Rarity, that's not the point!!” Twilight galloped across the room, levitated a thick dictionary out of the middle of a leaning stack, and flung it open before the other mare. A bookmark lingered towards the very back of the massive tome, highlighting two mangled words and an apostrophe. “We all know that Applejack was born and raised on a farm. Apple buckers favor simplicity over grammatical eloquence. That's all well and good, but even Applejack and every pony in her family are bound by a specific set of rules. And those rules dictate that the words that originally make up 'y'all'—those of course being 'you' and 'all'—dictate an address of a second person in the plural state!” Thap! Twilight slapped the floating dictionary shut, her muzzle gaping wide open in a look of abject terror and disgust. “Duke Autumn Breeze of Stone Trot Valley is not more than one person! He's a gazelle! One gazelle! Singular!” Twilight shook her frozen grimace. “Applejack did not use a singular pronoun to address our singular diplomatic guest! She used a pluralized expression! 'Y'all!' Applejack broke grammar right in the face of the same dignitary with whom we broke bread! And it was here in my Palace with none other than the chosen heir to the royal crest of Stone Trot Valley!” “Twilight... Twilight... Twilight...” Rarity sighed, bearing a tired smile. “Don't you think that—as is often the case—you are overreacting here?” “No, Rarity, I am not!” Frowning, Twilight trotted vicious circles around each leaning tower of books, books, books. “I've spent the last three days and four nights scouring every book, every paper, every written pamphlet on grammar that exists in print between here and Canterlot! I've found over fifty sources from Equestria's leading experts in the fields of linguistics and grammatical morphology! Every scholar, Rarity—Every scholar supports me in the persuasive argument I am making!” “Erm...” Rarity nervously waved a hoof. “Which, I'm guessing, is the same point being made in your paper—” “—that Applejack's flagrant use of 'y'all' in addressing a single pony is wrong! Every written document on the colloquialism from the collective body of Equestria's language experts confirm that it is fundamentally, categorically, undeniably wrong! And every pony who thinks otherwise and uses the second person address in the singular instead is wrong and should know how wrong they are!” Rarity giggled... then giggled some more. This only made Twilight huff until her cheeks expanded twice their size. “Rarity... this isn't funny!” “Isn't it though?” Rarity smoothed her mane back. “So much ado about nothing?” “It's not nothing when it comes to treating royal dignitaries here at the Palace!” “Actually, Twilight, I was... erm... meaning to emphasize the classical ironic redundancy of the phrase 'much ado about—'” “What if next time we have a griffon ambassador show up for a luncheon?!” Twilight's voice cracked. “Or a wyvern?! Or a member of some other race with a similarly high blood pressure?! Who knows how they might react to a spontaneous grammatical slip-up?!” Twilight blanched. “Do you... do you remember the yaks, Rarity?” The unicorn's coat had already turned three paler shades of white. “Please, darling, whatever you do, do not bring up the yaks.” “Yes, well, Duke Autumn Breeze fumbled for words over the course of ten seconds! All because of how Applejack talked to him! Did you even notice that?” Twilight gulped so hard her throat made a tiny squeaking noise. “That's ten seconds during which a dignitary as hardcore as the yaks could be tearing apart this Palace in utter frustration!” “Alright, darling. Two things.” Rarity sat down before the Princess, waving a hoof. “Number one... I do believe you're overreacting just a smidgen.” “I wasn't imagining things!” Twilight chirped with a smug grin. “Applejack threw the Duke off with her poorly chosen slang!” “And number two...” Rarity smiled, shaking her head. “So what if Applejack made an error? It's hardly reason to inundate her with an insultingly long grammatical treatise!” “Is it insulting to want all of my friends to be on their best behavior as representatives of Harmony?” Twilight gaped. “I didn't become the Princess of Friendship all on my own, Rarity. Each and every one of you are equal representatives in this matter!” “Well, I suppose I can understand that, but does it necessitate your obsessive attention? I mean, honestly, Twilight... how often has Applejack referred to singular ponies as 'y'all?'” Twilight merely glared at the fashionista. She summoned a deep breath and opened her mouth. lBranches and rain water soaked the upstairs loft of Twilight Sparkle's library. The unicorn squatted amidst the leaves, fumbling nervously through her convoluted book on slumber parties, desperate to find a solution. Meanwhile, on the complete other side of the room, Applejack continued to lecture a fussy Rarity. "Right now, ya need to stop bein' so dang fussy pickin' up all the little things and help me move the one big thing in here that actually matters! Please!" "Uh... uhhh..." Rarity grimaced. "But I'll get all icky!" Applejack choked on a cussing breath, but found the strength to say: "Yes, ickiness is often a side effect of hard work, but y'all need to get over it, on account that I just can't fix this mess I made myself!" "Apple Bloom!" Startled, Twilight Sparkle turned and looked across the market square of Ponyville. She saw Applejack in an apron, brushing Apple Bloom aside as she approached an angry-looking Bon Bon. "I am really... really sorry about that. She's new. Here!" She poured some apples into Bon Bon's bag. "Take these. No charge." Bon Bon was not amused. "And these," Applejack said, simpering, and threw in a few more pieces of fruit. Bon Bon was still not amused. "...and these!" At last, desperate, Applejack tossed an entired bucket onto Bon Bon's flank. "Guh!" With a wincing smile, Bon Bon finally shuffled off. A breathless Applejack called after the lone mare. "Y'all come back now, y'hear?" “Hold on, Princess!” Applejack huffed and puffed, galloping up the Sweet Apple Acres hillside with a heavy, bulging saddlebag. “I'm a'comin'!” “Ohhhhhh Applejack...” Twilight's voice groaned painfully. At the top of a hill overlooking the barn and its surrounding apple orchards, a lone outhouse stood. It shook and rattled from the occupant within. “This is simply embarrassing! I'm so sorry it had to happen while I was paying you and your family a visit.” “Nothin' to fret about, darlin'.” Applejack trotted to a stop, breathing evenly through a friendly smile. “We're all members of Mother Nature, though Mother Nature doesn't make many stops by the department store... or Big Mac for that matter.” That said, she reached into her saddlebag, pulled out two rolls of toilet paper, and held them up to the door handle of the outhouse. “I got whatcha need here, darlin'. Don't worry.” She shut her eyes. “I ain't looking.” “Oh thank you, Applejack. Thank you so much.” The door opened a tiny crack with magic. Lavender energy encased the two toilet paper rolls, and they flew into the tiny wooden shack within the space of a blink. The door slammed shut as Twilight exhaled a breath of relief from within. “I've... I-I've never been in this situation before.” “Yeah, well, dun you fret. On account of you bein' a Princess and all, I doubt it'll ever happen again.” Applejack crossed her legs with a friendly smirk. “Anythang else I can help ya with, sugarcube?” “Erm... no, Applejack. You've done more than enough. I'll... uh... I'll be out to rejoin you and your family in a minute.” “Heheh... sure thang!” Applejack turned to trot down the hilltop, but paused halfway. “But... y'know... if y'all need anythang... and I do mean anythang... just holler, y'hear?” Dead silence. “... ... ...Twilight?” The outhouse shook. A wet gross vomiting noise echoed down the hill, making the apple tree branches shake and quiver. Applejack blinked. “...so... do y'all need me to stay, or...?” The vomiting repeated, even louder and wetter this time. “We have only sixty seconds left!” Twilight Sparkle hollered, her brow covered in sweat. Her eyes reflected a mess of multi-colored wires, and all around her the floor of the Canterlot Palace was covered with the bodies of freshly pulverised Diamond Dogs. “We have to diffuse the canines' bomb or else every hostage and citizen in the city goes up in flame!” “Alright! No panickin'!” Applejack sat across the large, ticking explosive from the Princess. She tore the sleeves of her Gala dress loose and cracked her neck joints. “Let's do this, sugarcube.” The mare plucked a pair of wire cutters from the floor and stared into the splayed guts of the bomb. “Just tell me what to pluck and where. We'll utilize yer expert brain and my apple peelin' finesse!” “I... I don't even know where to start!” Twilight hissed, her eyes darting from one wire to the next. “Just one wrong move, and we could all explode in a horrible plume of flame and shrapnel!” She clutched her head as her lavender brow furrowed. “Ohhhhhh... if only I could somehow concentrate!” “Dun fret none, darlin'!” Applejack smiled. “Y'all got the best brain of us all! So I'm sure y'all will think of somethin'!” “... ... ...” “Twilight?” Applejack's emerald eyes darted up. “Y'all still with me, sugarcube?” “Uhhhhhh...” Twilight's eyes shrank into pinpricks. She stared deep into the intestines of the ticking bomb, her muzzle starting to leak with drool. “... ... ...derp?” “Huh... well then...” Applejack shrugged, then reached forward with the wire cutters. “Reckon the red wire is the trick.” She smiled as she plucked the crimson string in two. “I've always liked red. Reminds me of a fruit that I fancy—” KAPOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! l“Uhmmm...” Rarity fidgeted in place, her pale brow furrowed. “I... don't quite remember that last scenario unfolding at any particular time, darling...” “Yes... well... it's something that could happen, don't you think?!” Twilight Sparkle stammered, her violet eyes bugging out. “We're the representatives of Harmony in Equestria, Rarity! We can't afford any random linguistic hiccups during our routine adventures!” “And why not?” “Because... because explosions!” Twilight's voice cracked. “That's why!” “Explosions? Whew!” A voice rasped above the two mares. The air of the room shifted from the cool flapping of even cooler wings. “Finally, you girls are talking about something that's worth a darn.” “Huh?” Twilight looked up. “Oh, good morning, Rainbow Dash!” Rarity smiled with a dainty curtsy. “What a pleasure seeing you this early. You certainly look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.” “Meh.” Rainbow hovered in place, flipping through a hard-bound book. “Rainbow...” Twilight frowned slightly. “I don't recall inviting you over. Just how long have you been here?” She blinked. “How'd you even get in?” “Y'know, for a Princess, you really don't close your balcony windows that much,” Rainbow muttered, stifling a yawn. “I mean, I know that nowadays you're contractually obligated to flounce out in a flowy ballgown and sing a random aria to the sunrise, but come on.” “Errrrrrrrr...” Twilight fidgeted with a blush. “And if you really wanna know, I came by to pick up my Daring Do novel. You know..." She glared down with one piercing ruby eye. “The one that I asked to have returned over three days ago?” “Oh. Right. That.” Twilight gulped. “I'm... I-I'm so sorry, Rainbow Dash. I've been kinda busy.” “Yeah.” Rainbow's eyes darted between the mountains of text. “I can see that.” “Did you happen to hear much of our conversation, Rainbow?” Rarity remarked. “Just up to the point where Twilight was ready to burn AJ at the stake. Yeah.” “What?!” Twilight frowned. “Rainbow, I do not want to burn Applejack at the stake!” “You sure about that?” Rainbow closed the novel and pointed at the three hundred page treatise lying on the floor. “You certainly have enough fuel for the job.” “Rainbow, I wrote this neat and detailed paper in order to educate Applejack—” “On what? Friendship?” “No! On grammatical inaccuracies and the necessity for correcting them!” “Yeah...” Rainbow Dash smirked, rolling her eyes. “'Cuz that's sooooooo much more important than friendship!” “It... it isn't!” Twilight stammered. “Then why's it such a big deal?” Rarity giggled. Twilight frowned at the unicorn. “It's nothing to titter over!” “Twilight, darling, a lady never titters.” Rarity fluffed her mane with an upturned nose. “She merely... chortles in an air of genteel frivolity.” “Call it what you want!” Twilight stomped a hoof. “But this is serious! Gone are the days when we would all hold hooves and zap something evil and chaotic with beams of harmonic rainbow magic! Right now, it's all about diplomacy! Social grace and tact! We won't be spreading friendship very far if we don't get our social etiquette down just right!” “Heheh...” Rainbow Dash flew lower, hugging her Daring Do book to her chest. “And you're getting in a tangled mess over Applejack's social graces? Girl, the mare might smell like a farm and make love to apples, but when has she ever—like—embarrassed you?” “Just a few days ago!” Twilight squeaked, pointing towards the interior lengths of the Palace. “Right in front of the Duke!” “Pffft... I don't see the Gazelle Army bouncing up to our moat,” Rainbow droned, “They haven't declared war or nothing.” She blinked, then grinned at Rarity. “Dudes! We should totally get a moat! Wouldn't that be sweet?!” “Oooh!” Rarity bounced in place. “With bordering flower gardens and little swan boats! Squee! It'd be divine!” “No, it would not be!” Twilight growled. “... ... ...” Rarity stood awkwardly in place. “...pelican boats?” “I'm not talking about swans or pelicans, I'm talking about Applejack!” Twilight frowned. “I can't... we can't settle for her using gross grammatical inaccuracies when addressing our visiting diplomats! Home-grown colloquialisms or not, terms like 'y'all' simply must not be used when speaking to the likes of Duke Autumn Breeze!” “Ah jeez...” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Princess Egghead's shell has already cracked. Must be from the tiara's weight.” “Huh?” “Twi...” Rainbow Dash planted her hooves on her floating hips. “How many times has Applejack spoken to Princess Celestia? Or members of her family spoken with her?” The mare chuckled. “Heck... if what Granny Smith says is true, entire generations of Apple Family ponies have crossed paths with Celestia over the decades. Wanna guess how many times they exchanged words whenever they met? Even silly, farm-sweating words?” She shrugged. “If you ask me, Princess Celestia woulda banished our favorite fruit farmers ages ago if the way they drawled was such a big deal.” “Rainbow, this is not a matter of interior Equestrian socializing!” Twilight exclaimed. She waved a lavender hoof. “Our task these days is making friendships... new friendships with those outside our normal social circles! We have to be prepared for any and all eventualities, and—I'm sorry—but Applejack's vernacular is a liability we can't afford!” “But... like... becoming friends is all about giving as well as taking.” Rainbow shrugged. “We were willing to tolerate the Yak-Yaks when they went totally berserk and started homewrecking. We shrugged off Discord's invitation of the Smooze to the last Gala. And nopony bothered to say out loud how much they hated Duke Autumn Breeze's super ugly horn rings!” “Perish the thought!” Rarity gasped. “I-I found them to be quite beautiful and dazzling—” “Point is...” Rainbow pointed. “When making new friends, we embrace some of the stuff that we—as ponies—would otherwise find lame! And, y'know, that's totally cool! But... being friends is about making compromises both ways as well! You know this, Twi!” She smiled. “And so maybe Applejack doesn't dot some of her I's or cross her T's. So what? If a dude like Duke Autumn Breeze is too stuck up to accept that, then why should we bother being friends with the Gazelle Prince in the first place? I mean... making Applejack change who she is just to make a foppish guy happy? Don't you realize how lame that sounds? Pffft... we all know she's polite! And I'm sure the Duke could sense that as well! That's why he didn't friggin' say anything! Can't you see? It's no sweat! Really!” “You were right about making compromises both ways, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said. "In the end, this isn't about making Applejack change who she is. It's simply a matter of making a compromise in her manner of speaking! It's about how she presents herself! About how she formulates her words.” Her brow furrowed. “You of all ponies should know, Rainbow, just how important it is to play an important role in something and stick to it. For instance, every time you show up at the Wonderbolts Academy, you have to cast aside casual posture and idioms, don't you? I mean... you couldn't very well perform a flight drill under Spitfire's supervision if you were all slouching and joking the entire time!” “Oh pleeeeease...” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. She flew backwards across the room, fighting the urge to giggle. “Are you really comparing our task as friendship ambassadors to some sort of formal military code?” “Yes!” Twilight said. Even Rarity laughed at that, and the alicorn frowned at her. “What?!” “Twilight, darling, perhaps some sleep is in order,” Rarity said, patting the mare's shoulder. "You're starting to sound like my father during Macaroni Family Mondays." “I simply can't believe that neither of you are on the same page as I am!” Twilight exclaimed. “Since when did you second guess my lectures on friendship?” “Since you stopped being a Princess and started turning into an Evil Queen,” Rainbow said with a wink. Twilight huffed. “Rainbow...” “I'm joshin' you. Simply joshin' you, Twi.” Rainbow ruffled the mare's mane and hovered before her. “Seriously. If this is such a big deal, go talk to Applejack about it.” “Yes, darling, be upfront with her,” Rarity said. “You know she appreciates that.” “But... but...” Twilight pointed at the thick bundle of papers. “...the essay.” “Ugh...” Rainbow backflipped and flew towards the nearest window. “It's too dang early for this. I'm out of here, guys. Smell you later.” “Fare well, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity waved with a smile. “Tea and cupcakes later?” "With the sprinkles shaped like tortoises with jet packs?" "Most certainly." “Woohoo! You bet!” Fwooosh! And the speedster was gone. “You... you don't think I'm turning into an 'Evil Queen,' Rarity...” Twilight floated the thick treatise up and hugged it like a pillow. Her eyes quivered. “...do you?” “Ohhhh Twilight...” Rarity trotted over and nuzzled the mare. “Don't let Rainbow Dash's comic hyperboles get to you. The mare's being her usual, loyal self. It's only natural for her to play the devil's advocate in a conversation like this.” “But... but I'm not trying to paint Applejack as a 'devil,'” Twilight said. “It's just... just...” “She could use a bit of work on her social graces. I understand that.” Rarity nodded with a smile. “I've always understood that. But I also learned—long ago—that you can't always change the essence of a pony, nor do you always need to. And it's not as though Applejack has an odor problem or something else of a disgusting nature! She's simply... erm...” “Obtuse,” Twilight droned. “Hmmm... indeed.” Rarity let loose a long sigh. “And, alas, the pendulum has swung back.” “Unngh...” Twilight rubbed her skull. “I could use some coffee.” “So could I.” Rarity's face lit up. “A trip to Sugarcube Corner, perhaps?” “Oh, that sounds wonderful.” Twilight levitated a pen over to join her veritable tomb of hoof-written notes. “I could do some editing while we sit and chat!” “Oh, goodness...” Rarity fought the urge to roll her eyes. “Doesn't that sound divine?” She walked Twilight out of the room and to the front door of the Palace. “Really, darling, you should get your beauty sleep. Not to suggest that you're lacking in aesthetic qualities as of late... ahem... but it would do a great deal of good to the mind as well as the body and soul.” “Hey, there's nothing wrong with my mind!” Twilight said, frowning slightly as she tugged on the front doors with her magic. “It's just that when I set my thoughts on something, I have to tackle it until the project is completely one hundred percent finished!” “Uh huh...” “And, believe you me, if this treatise doesn't convince Applejack to turn a new leaf... then I don't know what will.” Twilight opened the door. Her violet eyes reflected bright freckles in the morning sunlight. “Mornin', y'all!” “Applejack!” Twilight's voice cracked as she teetered backwards. i“Twilight Sparkle!” Applejack shifted the weight of apple baskets on her flank and shuffled forward. “Just the Princess I wanted to see! Heheh...” She leaned in with a home-grown smirk. “I was told that ya wanted to speak to me?” “Uhhhh...” Twilight blinked. She glanced at Rarity, the stared out the front door to the Palace. “...you were?” In the distance, Rainbow Dash could be seen diving through the bright morning haze. She saluted from afar, twirled around with the hint of a smirk, and zipped off towards the glowing horizon. Twilight clenched her jaw. After a breath, she muttered, “Yeah... I was... I-I was hoping to have a word with you.” She gulped. “Or... perhaps one and a half.” “Well, good thang I was settin' out this early to sell apples downtown!” Applejack adjusted her hat. “Still, reckon I could spare a half-hour before I set up shop.” She glanced aside and nodded her head. “Howdy, Rarity. Lookin' snazzy this hour.” “Naturally.” Rarity cleared her throat. “I think I'll... uhm...” She pointed deeper into the Palace and trotted to the next room. “...I-I'll be in the library with Twilight's new dress. Counting... petticoats. And then some.” Applejack's orange brow furrowed as she watched the fashionista leave the scene. “Huh... I wonder what got stuck in her craw.” The mare shrugged. “Ah well...” She leaned against the door frame and smiled Twilight's way. “What can I do ya for, Princess?” She plucked a fruit from her basket and hoofed it out before the mare. “Want a bite? They're freshly-picked! Got up before the rooster crowed for this here bushel! Heheh...” “Thanks, Applejack...” “Now why dun y'all tell me what's on yer mind?” Upon hearing that, Twilight's eyes twitched. She looked up at the mare, her muzzle quivering. She looked at the apple offering, then at the thick paper in her grasp. “Hmmm?” Applejack leaned her smiling face to the side. “Well?” “I... I-I...” Twilight hugged the treatise tighter and tighter. Finally, a few sheets slid loose, collecting at her hooves. That's when the alicorn collapsed. Tears welled up in her eyes and she burst with a quiet sob, covering her face. “Oh Applejack... Applejack, I'm so sorry...” The farm mare's lips pursed. “Why... what's the matter, sugarcube???” She leaned in, resting a hoof on the Princess' shoulder. “What's gotten you so worked up? You can talk to me about it!” “That's j-just it...” Twilight sobbed and sniffled. She rubbed her eyes and muzzle—but still couldn't summon the strength to look the other pony directly in the face. “I wanted to talk to you about something. I wanted to talk to you about something so very badly... but now... when I see you... when I hear the warmth in your voice...” She stammered, her breath reduced to sporadic hiccups. “Twilight, just spit it out, darlin'!” Applejack cooed, lovingly stroking the mare's wet cheek. “Ain't nothin' y'all can offend me with! We're friends!” “Yes...” Twilight shuddered. “Yes, we are...” She smiled, finally making eye contact with the pony. “I love you so much, Applejack. I... I don't want you to ever change. I don't want any of my friends to change who and what they are.” “Well, I reckon not.” Applejack raised an eyebrow. “But... somethang's got ya bothered real bad. Tell me, Twilight... did... did I do somethin' to offend you?” “No! Not at all!” Twilight instantly cringed. “And yet... mmmm... yes.” “Then tell me, sweetheart,” Applejack said, smiling kindly. “Tell me so that I may learn right.” “It's... it's not about learning...” Twilight shuddered, gazing at the sheets of paper beneath them, between them. “Not really. I... I just...” She ran a hoof through her mane, then exhaled heavily. Her dull eyes swam in Applejack's direction. “The other day... when the Duke visited... you know—Duke Autum Breeze of the Stone Trot Valley?” “You betcha...” “You... uhm...” Twilight gulped. “You sp-spoke with him, Applejack, and... uhm...” Her eyes twitched. “You were polite! You were on your absolute best behavior! Th-that wasn't the issue!” “Then what was, darlin'?” Applejack's lips pursed. “What was the issue?” “You... uhhh... you k-kinda sorta... referred to him with a grammatically incorrect pluralized contraction...” Twilight winced, leaning back as if preparing for a freckled cobra strike. “...even though he was only one... gazelle?” “... ... ...” Applejack stared at the Princess. “And... and do you even remember how long he just... gazed at you in awkward silence immediately afterwards?” “Hmmmmm...” Applejack leaned back, her apple baskets shifting on either side of her. “Awkward silence... awkward silence...” She tapped her chin in intense thought. “...this was when I said what now?” “Uhm... y'know... one of your usual colloquialisms... only... only I-I think it caught him off guard.” Twilight bit her lip. Applejack's eyes darted left and right for a good half-minute. At last, her gaze twitched in the mare's direction. “... ... ...you mean 'Y'all?'” “Yes! Yes, Applejack!” Twilight exhaled. “You referred to the Duke as 'Y'all!'” “Heh... fancy that.” Applejack chuckled, smiling into nothingness. A few blinks later, she looked at the Princess again. “And is that wrong or somethin'?” “You mean you don't know?!?” Applejack shrugged. “Every so often, I'm bein' told that the way I say thangs ain't proper-like. To be honest, I dun think much of it. Erm... just how many times did I use it in front of the Duke?” “Well, just one time, really.” Twilight dryly gulped. “But... but it was enough for me to notice a distinct reaction from him.” “Well, shoot...” Applejack lowered her hat to her fuzzy chest. “Hope I didn't start no war or nothin'.” She gulped. “The War of the Y'alls.” “No, Applejack—” “'Cuz that wouldn't do one lick of good, y'all bein' princess and all...” Applejack's muzzle twisted almost instantly. “Erm... I mean... y-you—” “Applejack, please...” Twilight reached forward, bracing the mare's shoulders. “Just... just...” She sighed, sniffling one last time. “Quit while you're ahead.” “But... but I dun get it, Twilight...” Applejack plopped her hat back on her folded ears. “Ain't this the heart of the issue? I'm... I'm sayin' somethin' uncivil-like, apparently.” “But you don't have to change the way you talk in front of me,” Twilight said with a soft smile. “Honestly. I... I got worked up about it, but that's my own fault. Just... erm...” She blushed slightly. “When you're talking to diplomats... I... I hope it's not too much to ask—” “That I mind my tongue a bit more.” Applejack nodded with a smile. “Can do, darlin'! Just say the word and I'll... not say the word.” “Mmmm...” Twilight sighed, covering her face with a hoof. “It... it's not that simple, really.” “Then you'll definitely have to lend me some help with the matter. Sometimes I'm so casual, Twilight, that I just can't help myself.” She pointed at the papers on the floor. “What're these? Cheat sheets for perusin'?” “A-and it doesn't have to be that complex either, Applejack!” Twilight's voice cracked. “Look, I... I overreacted.” She sighed. “As always. But... still...” She bit her lip with a humble twinkle to her eyes. “If... if you don't mind being a bit more formal with the dignitaries we're trying to be friends with?” Applejack chuckled... then chuckled harder. To that, Twilight arched an eyebrow. “What... wh-what's so funny?” “That's just the thang, Twilight. Now, I know I may not look the type...” Applejack rested a hoof over her chest. “...but I've stressed over this sort of matter myself from time to time.” “You?!” Twilight pointed with a gawking expression. “Stressed?!” “Hey, dun let it carry around, y'hear?” Applejack looked over her shoulders at the sunny lengths of Ponyville. She leaned in through the Palace doorframe. “Ever since I made the trip to Manehattan as a little filly, I've always been sweatin' myself somethin' fierce over how I make myself look and sound in front of other ponies at formal shindigs.” She leaned back with a more confident smile. “But... ever since you became Princess... eheheh... reckon I've let most of that slide. I suppose that's mighty lazy of me.” “I... I don't understand,” Twilight murmured. “Twilight, it's like this... y'hear?” Applejack trotted over and plopped down beside the alicorn. She gestured with her hooves as she spoke. “I'm most relaxed when I'm with my friends... 'bout as relaxed as I am with my family. Cuz y'all are my friends.” She blushed slightly. “Erm... by 'y'all' I'm meanin' you and the girls.” Twilight nodded. “Yes. I get it, Applejack.” “And... well...” Applejack shrugged. “If what we're destined to do in this here Palace is make new friends... with these here cutie marks flashin' super bright whenever there's a new friendship quest to be done n'whatnot...” She smiled. “Why not be relaxed and casual-like with everypony? Dun that make any sense?” “So... what you're saying is—” “Sugarcube, I can't rightly count how many times I've used 'y'all' in a way that makes yer royal skin crawl,” Applejack said. “But... I reckon it's just my means of showin' that I care deeply about y'all.” She smiled, adding with a glowing wink: “All y'all.” She chuckled in a deep voice. “And now that we have all these fancy new foreigners visitin' from Celestia-knows over yonder to make amends with the Princess of Friendship and her best gal pals, well, I want them to feel at home in my heart too! So they all... join y'all... y'all hear?” Twilight giggled. She wiped her cheeks dry and nodded with a rosy smile. “Yes, Applejack. I hear. And I understand.” She placed a hoof on Applejack's shoulder. “And that's very... very thoughtful of you.” “Pffft. If ya say so.” Applejack shrugged. “I figured the whole point was to not put any thought into it at all!” “Eheheheh...” Twilight nodded, sighing. “And that's a fine art that I've... been known to struggle with.” “I'd say.” Applejack looked at all the spilled notes beneath them. “If I didn't know better, I'd say you was preparin' for a griffon ambassador to set up a brief stay in yer foyer.” “Heeheehee... it's just as well.” Twilight shuddered. “You... you don't want to know how far I was going off the deep end about... about... well...” She rolled her eyes. “Guess it doesn't matter now.” “Now dun be sayin' that.” Applejack gazed thoughtfully at the Princess. “I can see how this is very important to you, bein' Celestia's representative of friendship'n'all.” Nostrils flaring, she stood up and helped Twilight onto her hooves with a strong grip. “If it means so much to you, Twilight, I'll do my darnedest to use less farmstead words around our visitors who might happen to be sportin' crowns and tiaras.” “But, Applejack, it's... I mean I don't...” Twilight sighed, shaking her head. “You really shouldn't have to change who you are or how you—” “There's a time and a place for everythang, Twilight,” Applejack said. “I'm old enough to know when to put on airs and when not to.” She smiled. “And I've been blessed to know you long enough to have an inklin' on when to flip that same etiquette switch on and off.” She chuckled. “In a way, I should be thankin' ya.” “No, Applejack. I'm the one who should be thankful,” Twilight said with a soft breath. “You've taught me long ago the value of honesty. Next time, I promise, I'll just come to you directly if I feel like there's... an issue of any sort.” “Heh... I look forward to it,” Applejack said. “Any opportunity to talk with my favorite Princess is just fine and dandy.” “Oh Applejack...” Twilight sighed, leaning forward to nuzzle the mare. “You really are best pony.” “Heheheheh... shhhh...” Applejack nuzzled her back and pointed towards the library room of the Palace. “Not so loud, darlin'. Even the ponyquins have her eyes and ears.” Twilight giggled. “Somehow, I don't think Rarity would protest.” “Whew-wee! That would be a first!” Applejack tilted her hat, then shuffled around. “Well, I'd best be gettin' to my fruit vendor. Y'all—” Her teeth gritted, nearly producing sparks. She turned the grimace into a sheepish smile about halfway through. “...you take care of yourselves... self... mrmmmf... you get it.” “Yes, I do.” Twilight waved. “And have a wonderful, prosperous day, Applejack.” “Will do.” And the mare trotted off, casually humming a countrified tune. Smiling to herself, Twilight closed the door to her palace. Picking up every loose sheet with her magic, she sighed and trotted into the center room with a delightful bounce to her canter. n'Rarity looked up from where she sat in the room, surrounded by towering books. “Hmmm? Back so soon?” She finished adjusting the hem of Twilight's new dress. “I trust it went well?” “How could it not?” Twilight remarked, shuffling forward with a slight yawn. “She's Applejack. Honestly... why do I get so worked up over the littlest of things?” Rarity hummed a breathy chuckle. “Well, if that isn't the question of the century, darling?” “I just... told her how I felt, and the rest was like apple-scented clockwork.” Twilight sighed. One by one, she lifted the books off the floor and shelved them along the walls of the Palace library. “Three days... I obsessed over this nonsense for three days!” She gnashed her teeth. “What kind of a Princess of Friendship am I if I can't just open up to my closest companions about things?” “You're the best kind of Princess, Twilight,” Rarity said. “Cautious, considerate, and ever-so-graceful.” She bore an elegant smile as she folded the pretty dress up once more. “You shouldn't hate yourself for the occasional over-exuberant thought process. After all, you have the not-so-enviable task of balancing companionship with Equestria's general well-being. Surely, that can't be an easy task.” “And you know... in the end... there's nothing quite so terrible about 'y'all,'” Twilight said. She shook her head with a delightful giggle. “Rarity, from now on, I promise not to get so worked up over grammatical flubs ever again.” “Oh...?” Twilight crossed her heart. “Pinkie Pie Swear.” She shelved the last of the books, gazing off with a determined smile. “The next time I hear something spoken in an incorrect or obtuse fashion, I'm just going to take a calm breath and... let it be. It's absolutely nothing to second-guess friendship merit over. Don't you agree?” “Oh, absolutely, darling.” Rarity slid the dress into its ornate box, then tied a ribbon around it. “Irregardless, a certain modicum of decency wouldn't hurt one's vocabulary.” With a delightful sigh, she spun about and smiled at Twilight. “So... your Highness... shall we embark to Sugarcube Corner?” Twilight stood in place, shaking all over. “Uhm...” Rarity tilted her head to the side. “...Twilight?” The alicorn's teeth gritted. Veins popped in her neck while her horn glowed brighter and brighter to the point of sizzling. “Are... are you quite alright, darling—?” POWWWWWW! A wave of books, paper, and crystalline debris exploded in the unicorn's general direction.
Y'“A most splendid castle indeed, Your Highness.” A smile crossed the aristocratic gazelle's muzzle. He trotted down the grand hall of Princess Twilight's Palace, escorted by Twilight herself and her six closest friends. “And I find it most impressive that sheer magic conjured it up. Surely it is a testament to your power and sovereignty as Equestria's new Princess of Friendship.” “Well, I wouldn't know about all of that, Sir Autumn Breeze,” Twilight Sparkle said. She adjusted her crown and smiled at him in mid-stride. “I'm simply glad that the rainbow spell worked when it did. I'm not certain we would have defeated Tirek in any other way.” “From what I've always understood, it was your untainted grasp of harmony that ended Tirek's reign before it started.” Autumn Breeze turned towards her, his bejeweled horns glittering in the light through the stained glass windows. “I'm most fortunate to have dined with you and your fellow companions in person, for now I know first-hoof that the heart of Equestria is truly at peace.” He bowed low, bearing an eloquent smile across his bleached white muzzle. “On behalf of all gazelle in Stone Trot Valley, I am honored to have made your acquaintance, Princess Twilight, and I greatly look forward to all of the future arrangements between your province and ours.” “As do I, Sir Duke.” Twilight Sparkle curtsied. “My friends and I stand by to defend your subjects, just as we pledge loyalty to the equines of Ponyville and beyond.” She glanced over her shoulder with a smile. “Isn't that right, girls?” “Oh, yes!” Rarity chimed in. “Absolutely,” Fluttershy said with a nod. “Darn tootin'!” Applejack smiled. “Awww yeah!” Rainbow Dash winked. “Yaaaay! Gazelle buds! Gazelle buds!” Pinkie Pie hopped in place. “We've got some happy bouncing gazelle buds!” “Erm...” Twilight blushed slightly, turning back towards the Duke. “They... all m-mean that with the utmost respect, Sir Duke.” “Heheheh...” He chuckled in a low, bass voice. “Of that, I have no doubt.” Pinkie Pie shuffled up, giving a bold salute. “When you and your fellow stone-hoppers need cupcakes to the max—just call on Sugarcube Corner, Duke! We've got your royal backs! Heeheee!” “A most pleasant offer, Miss Pie.” Autumn Breeze smiled. “If the baking is anything like what you've graciously served me today, I'm sure my subjects will be more than pleased.” Rarity trotted up, her cheeks slightly flushed. “Today was my first time having lunch with an actual Duke, and I must say: I shan't feel quite as thrilled again as I did this glorious afternoon.” She curtsied gracefully. “It was a supreme honor to bask in your handsome presence, Sir Duke.” Autumn Breeze bowed low to the mare. “A pleasure, Lady Rarity. Goddess speed with your entrepreneurial fashion pursuits.” Rarity stifled a deep, girly squeal. As she awkwardly backtrotted, Fluttershy stepped up. “If by any chance, Sir Duke, you and the subjects of Stone Trot Valley need any assistance in Wrapping Up Winter, I would be most happy to lend my hoof in waking the animals for you.” “And the local fauna would greatly benefit from your expertise, Miss Fluttershy. Your merciful offer shall not be forgotten.” Rainbow Dash zipped up. “And, y'know, if you need any clouds kicked?” She struck a brash pose in midair and smirked. “I'm just a horse whistle away! Sunny, rainy, or windy? I can give your subjects any weather they want in a Neigh York minute!” Autumn Breeze's teeth showed beneath his white muzzle. “Of that, I have no doubt.” Just then, an orange shape shuffled up to the gazelle. He turned to look at her. “Miss Applejack, it's been a pleasure.” “Right you are, Sir Duke.” The farm mare lowered her hat, holding it over her chest as she gave a freckled smile. “And should there ever be a need for the finest apples in all of Equestria...” “Heheh... I know precisely where to go,” he said. “Eeeyup!” She plopped her hat back on her head and winked at the monarch. “Y'all enjoy a safe trip back home, y'hear?” Duke Autumn Breeze opened his mouth to respond, but he hesitated a bit, his smile hanging precariously off a listless blink or two. Something in Twilight Sparkle's eyes twitched. She began fidgeting for some inexplicable reason, her gaze glued to the empty space between the farm mare and the visiting dignitary. The dull silence persisted, devouring the space of three seconds... five... seven... “Erm... yes! Uhm...” Autumn Breeze's smile rocked from side to side like a fuzzy ship lost at sea. Finally, his voice settled with: “We... I will be certain to avoid any obstacles along the way home.” “Heheheh...” Applejack chuckled, nodding. “That's the spirit! Take care, now!” “Indubitably.” Autumn Breeze pivoted to face Twilight Sparkle one last time. “Your Highness...” He bowed. Applejack and Rainbow Dash held the door open for the gazelle, and he went outside with dainty little hops. Outside, his carriage and dutiful servants waited. Once he boarded the vehicle and departed, the mares closed the door gently, shutting out the warm Ponyville air. “Whew-wee!” Applejack wiped her brow. “Wow, that went a heck of a lot better than I expected!” “I was kinda expecting a real stiff poser,” Rainbow's voice cracked. “But that guy was totally cool!” “Rainbow, darling, that 'guy,' is the Duke of Stone Trot Valley.” Rarity sighed, fanning herself. “And—my stars—those horn ringlets were absolutely divine! I must find out if the rubies are imported or not!” Fluttershy walked into the main foyer with Rarity and Applejack. “I would absolutely love to meet his family in the Valley sometime. Just hearing his stories about the little ones they're raising?” Her cheeks turned rosy. “They sound soooooooo cuuuuute...” “Heehee!” Pinkie bounced after them. “When I grow up, I wanna have cool sparkly horns like the Duke!” “Pinkie, you are grown up!” Rainbow groaned. “Then where are my horns, huh?” “Where else?” Applejack chortled. “They grew into yer dang chest and bore you a second stomach!” “Yeah! That's how I can eat so much, you guys!” Pinkie sing-songed. The Palace filled with laughter, drawing further and further away with melodic echoes. Twilight could scarcely hear them, for she was suddenly frozen in spot, her lavender coat having turned a paler shade. The alicorn sat still, eyes locked on the door through which the Duke had made his polite exit. And she couldn't stop sweating...
aThree days later, Rarity trotted gaily towards the large front entrance to Twilight Sparkle's Palace, balancing a slender box on her back. She hummed to herself, tossing her mane in the crisp morning air of Ponyville. At last, she reached the front stoop, shuffling to a stop with a ladylike sigh. With gentle telekinesis, she rang the dangling bell at the entrance, then stepped back with a patient smile. Not long after, a dragon whelp opened the door, gazing out with haggard scales and bloodshot eyes. “Mrmmmfff... Rarityyy...?” Spike stifled a yawn. “Why, good morning to you, Spikey Wikey!” Rarity grinned elegantly. “Perchance, would Twilight be awake? I have something fabulous to give the Princess.” “Grrfff...” Spike folded his arms and walked out the Palace—and straight past the unicorn. “Go and see for yourself. And good luck.” “What... why...” Rarity blinked, lifting a dainty forelimb as she glanced at the retreating dragon. “...good luck with what, Spike? What ever do you mean?” “Sugarcube Corner. I need sugar. A pick me up.” And Spike continued his exhausted, serpentine waddle towards the pastel bakery in question. “Hmmmm...” Rarity stared off into space. Eventually, she shrugged it off, and made her way inside the Palace's foyer. “Oh hellooooooooooo...” The mare was kind enough to shut the front door behind her with magic. “Twilight, darling? It's your dear friend, Rarity. I do hope I am not intrudiiiiiiiiing!” The unicorn didn't have to wander for long. She was less than ten meters into the heart of the Palace when she sensed a lavender aura emanating from an adjacent room. Weighed forward by a proud smile, she spun about and shuffled ecstatically into the chamber. “Twilight! Look! It's the dress you asked me to touch up for you!” Rarity undid the ribbon and levitated a shiny blue gown out into the open. “Taa-daaaa! Ee-hee-hee!” She grinned wide, bubbling with glee as she twirled the glittery item around in her magic field. “Isn't it just divine? I do hope you don't mind the excessive accents along the skirt's hem. After all, a girl can never have too much petti and lace. Ahem.” She graced the walls of the room with a coy smile. “Somepony is going to get that.” But just then, she blinked. “... … ...errrm... Twilight?” “Shhh! Just a minute, Rarity,” hissed a very frazzled, very anxious Twilight. The Princess had been reduced to a jittery sack of loose limbs, plopped down in the center of a complex double-helix of stacked books, dictionaries, thesauri, and anthropological textbooks. She dabbed a floating quill pen into the last of six lined-up inkwells—the only inkwell that hadn't dried up, and she proceeded to sketch several complex notes and syntactical diagrams across a sheet of paper lingering on the top of a grotesquely tall pile of identically scribbled sheets. “I almost have this finished.” “Erm... almost have what finished, darling?” With gentle finesse, Rarity tucked the extravagant dress back into her box and laid it at the floor at the entrance to the cluttered room. “This... looks like quite the undertaking.” She gasped, almost tripping over a veritable bastion made out of thick encyclopedias—both old and new. “My word! Just how long have you been working on this... whatever this is?” “Mrmmmm...” Twilight blinked blearily into the ethereal purple torchlight of her study. “Remind me. How many times does a rooster crow each day?” “Erm... once, darling.” “Ah. Three. Three days, then.” “Three days?!” Rarity leaned back, aghast. “Celestia's bells, Twilight! I do certainly hope you are working on a new Amendment for the Equestrian Constitution!” “Nope!” Twilight bore a twitching grin. “This is something even better! It's an essay on the errors of regional colloquialism, specifically rural dialects of Equestrian Basic situated within the Central Plains.” “Ooooh! A discourse of modern linguistics! How quaint!” Rarity smiled. “I'm certain Princess Celestia will be absolutely pleased—” “Nope.” Twilight shook her head, continuing to write and scribble between regimental dabs into the ink well. “This is not meant for Princess Celestia's eyes.” “Oh.” Rarity blinked. “Well, then, I'm certain Princess Luna can find the time to read the product of your hard work—” “I'm not writing it to Luna either.” “Erm...” Rarity gulped. “Then... uhhm... I'm certain that your good friend Princess Cadance will be tickled pink! Or pinker, as t'were.” “Uh uh.” Twilight dotted the last sentence on the last page and began shuffling the massive wad of sheets into a tight, geometric solid. “I didn't have any of the other Princesses in mind when I started writing this essay. After all, they're hardly a suitable audience. Besides, it would be rather redundant, given their grammatical predilections.” “Oh... uhm...” “No, this essay is meant for a pony much... much closer to my heart.” “I see.” Rarity nodded. “Well, if you so desire, Twilight, I would be more than honored to give this essay you've made a fine perusal—” “And that's a very generous offer, Rarity, but I didn't write this for you.” The Princess looked up. “I made this for Applejack to read.” At that precise moment, the entire room exploded with cacophonous gunshot. It took a few labored breaths between both mares for them to realize that it was the sound of Rarity's impulsive snort. “HAH! Applejack?! Our Applejack? Oh, Twilight darling, that is most exceedingly rich!” “No, Rarity,” Twilight said, seriously, with a serious face. “I'm serious.” “Applejack?” Rarity's arched eyebrow nearly scraped the ceiling. “Our Applejack? The same mare who sees a thickly-bound residential listing and fancies it a fine aid in allowing her darling little Apple Bloom to sit at the family dinner table?” “Erm... yes.” Twilight blinked. “Why, is there a problem with that?” “Twilight, exactly how many pages is this... research paper?” “Uhhhh...” Twilight waved the brick-like clump in front of her eyes. She glanced back at Rarity. “About three hundred and seventy-two pages short. Why?” “Three hundred and seventy-two pages?!” Rarity grimaced visibly. “Good Goddess, Twilight! Haven't you ever heard of proofreading?” “Absolutely!” Twilight bore a proud smile that burst through her insomniac wrinkles. “What else do you think I've been doing over the past thirty-six hours?” “Twilight, I'm certain you have divine intentions here, but... but...” Rarity bit on the edge of her fetlock, trembling slightly at the sight of the ink-thick sheets. “...Applejack?! She's... she's...” “What?” “Oh dear...” Rarity fanned herself. “How do I put this without sounding obtuse?” She stared into empty space for a few seconds, then spun towards Twilight with a smile. “She's obtuse!” “Eh?” Twilight blinked. “Erm... I-I mean grammatically!” Rarity squeaked. “A good read simply doesn't have the same effect on Applejack as it does on you or me, darling! She'd take one look at this and see a doorstop for keeping her barn open, not a provocative source of educational material!” “In this case, I beg to differ!” Twilight said, tapping the cover page of the massive manuscript. “Once I convince her of how important this essay is, believe me, Applejack will want nothing more than to read each page from start to finish! Especially when she realizes how much it pertains to her!” “Erm... in what way does a huge treatise on Equestrian Basic colloquialisms pertain to our Applejack?” “In what way?!?” Twilight's gawking muzzle hung so heavily that her whole body tilted incredulously towards Rarity. “Rarity, are you serious?!” Her brow spasmed, each eye struggling against the bloodshot blight consuming them with each twitching millisecond. “In. What. Way? Do I wear a huge pink diaper?!” “Erm...” Rarity fidgeted. “Not at this precise second...” “Then you aren't fever dreaming this moment, now, are you?” Twilight pointed at herself, at Rarity, and then at herself again. “You can certifiably agree that this is real life?” “I... shall say 'yes' here and nod my head, darling.” “Rarity, you were there at the Royal Luncheon! You heard it! You heard everything!” “Heard what, darling?” Rarity squinted. “Wait... does this have anything to do with our splendid meeting with the most esteemed Duke Autumn Breeze of Stone Trot Valley?” “Yes, Rarity! Yes!” Twilight exhaled, starting to pace in frantic, lavender circles. “This has everything to do with our meeting with the Duke of Stone Trot Valley! But, even more specifically, Applejack's behavior in front of the Duke of Stone Trot Valley!” “Applejack?!” Rarity leaned back, her muzzle wrenched with confusion. “Was... was there something truly amiss? I was there, Twilight. In my estimation, Applejack was every bit a polite lady! An absolute paragon of country manners if there ever was one!” “Yes, Rarity, Applejack was polite. Applejack was well-mannered. Applejack was honorable and respectful.” “Then what ever is the problem, dear?” “Didn't you hear Applejack, Rarity? I mean... when she spoke to our guest?!” The unicorn could only draw a blank. Twilight slid over, practically hissing: “She referred to Duke Autumn Breeze in the singular... using a plural second-person pronoun with a contraction!” Rarity's ears twitched. She kept leaning her head away from Twilight's flaring nostrils. “Then... this... all of this is about our dear Applejack's habitual utilization of country slang?” “Rarity, that's not the point!!” Twilight galloped across the room, levitated a thick dictionary out of the middle of a leaning stack, and flung it open before the other mare. A bookmark lingered towards the very back of the massive tome, highlighting two mangled words and an apostrophe. “We all know that Applejack was born and raised on a farm. Apple buckers favor simplicity over grammatical eloquence. That's all well and good, but even Applejack and every pony in her family are bound by a specific set of rules. And those rules dictate that the words that originally make up 'y'all'—those of course being 'you' and 'all'—dictate an address of a second person in the plural state!” Thap! Twilight slapped the floating dictionary shut, her muzzle gaping wide open in a look of abject terror and disgust. “Duke Autumn Breeze of Stone Trot Valley is not more than one person! He's a gazelle! One gazelle! Singular!” Twilight shook her frozen grimace. “Applejack did not use a singular pronoun to address our singular diplomatic guest! She used a pluralized expression! 'Y'all!' Applejack broke grammar right in the face of the same dignitary with whom we broke bread! And it was here in my Palace with none other than the chosen heir to the royal crest of Stone Trot Valley!” “Twilight... Twilight... Twilight...” Rarity sighed, bearing a tired smile. “Don't you think that—as is often the case—you are overreacting here?” “No, Rarity, I am not!” Frowning, Twilight trotted vicious circles around each leaning tower of books, books, books. “I've spent the last three days and four nights scouring every book, every paper, every written pamphlet on grammar that exists in print between here and Canterlot! I've found over fifty sources from Equestria's leading experts in the fields of linguistics and grammatical morphology! Every scholar, Rarity—Every scholar supports me in the persuasive argument I am making!” “Erm...” Rarity nervously waved a hoof. “Which, I'm guessing, is the same point being made in your paper—” “—that Applejack's flagrant use of 'y'all' in addressing a single pony is wrong! Every written document on the colloquialism from the collective body of Equestria's language experts confirm that it is fundamentally, categorically, undeniably wrong! And every pony who thinks otherwise and uses the second person address in the singular instead is wrong and should know how wrong they are!” Rarity giggled... then giggled some more. This only made Twilight huff until her cheeks expanded twice their size. “Rarity... this isn't funny!” “Isn't it though?” Rarity smoothed her mane back. “So much ado about nothing?” “It's not nothing when it comes to treating royal dignitaries here at the Palace!” “Actually, Twilight, I was... erm... meaning to emphasize the classical ironic redundancy of the phrase 'much ado about—'” “What if next time we have a griffon ambassador show up for a luncheon?!” Twilight's voice cracked. “Or a wyvern?! Or a member of some other race with a similarly high blood pressure?! Who knows how they might react to a spontaneous grammatical slip-up?!” Twilight blanched. “Do you... do you remember the yaks, Rarity?” The unicorn's coat had already turned three paler shades of white. “Please, darling, whatever you do, do not bring up the yaks.” “Yes, well, Duke Autumn Breeze fumbled for words over the course of ten seconds! All because of how Applejack talked to him! Did you even notice that?” Twilight gulped so hard her throat made a tiny squeaking noise. “That's ten seconds during which a dignitary as hardcore as the yaks could be tearing apart this Palace in utter frustration!” “Alright, darling. Two things.” Rarity sat down before the Princess, waving a hoof. “Number one... I do believe you're overreacting just a smidgen.” “I wasn't imagining things!” Twilight chirped with a smug grin. “Applejack threw the Duke off with her poorly chosen slang!” “And number two...” Rarity smiled, shaking her head. “So what if Applejack made an error? It's hardly reason to inundate her with an insultingly long grammatical treatise!” “Is it insulting to want all of my friends to be on their best behavior as representatives of Harmony?” Twilight gaped. “I didn't become the Princess of Friendship all on my own, Rarity. Each and every one of you are equal representatives in this matter!” “Well, I suppose I can understand that, but does it necessitate your obsessive attention? I mean, honestly, Twilight... how often has Applejack referred to singular ponies as 'y'all?'” Twilight merely glared at the fashionista. She summoned a deep breath and opened her mouth.
lBranches and rain water soaked the upstairs loft of Twilight Sparkle's library. The unicorn squatted amidst the leaves, fumbling nervously through her convoluted book on slumber parties, desperate to find a solution. Meanwhile, on the complete other side of the room, Applejack continued to lecture a fussy Rarity. "Right now, ya need to stop bein' so dang fussy pickin' up all the little things and help me move the one big thing in here that actually matters! Please!" "Uh... uhhh..." Rarity grimaced. "But I'll get all icky!" Applejack choked on a cussing breath, but found the strength to say: "Yes, ickiness is often a side effect of hard work, but y'all need to get over it, on account that I just can't fix this mess I made myself!" "Apple Bloom!" Startled, Twilight Sparkle turned and looked across the market square of Ponyville. She saw Applejack in an apron, brushing Apple Bloom aside as she approached an angry-looking Bon Bon. "I am really... really sorry about that. She's new. Here!" She poured some apples into Bon Bon's bag. "Take these. No charge." Bon Bon was not amused. "And these," Applejack said, simpering, and threw in a few more pieces of fruit. Bon Bon was still not amused. "...and these!" At last, desperate, Applejack tossed an entired bucket onto Bon Bon's flank. "Guh!" With a wincing smile, Bon Bon finally shuffled off. A breathless Applejack called after the lone mare. "Y'all come back now, y'hear?" “Hold on, Princess!” Applejack huffed and puffed, galloping up the Sweet Apple Acres hillside with a heavy, bulging saddlebag. “I'm a'comin'!” “Ohhhhhh Applejack...” Twilight's voice groaned painfully. At the top of a hill overlooking the barn and its surrounding apple orchards, a lone outhouse stood. It shook and rattled from the occupant within. “This is simply embarrassing! I'm so sorry it had to happen while I was paying you and your family a visit.” “Nothin' to fret about, darlin'.” Applejack trotted to a stop, breathing evenly through a friendly smile. “We're all members of Mother Nature, though Mother Nature doesn't make many stops by the department store... or Big Mac for that matter.” That said, she reached into her saddlebag, pulled out two rolls of toilet paper, and held them up to the door handle of the outhouse. “I got whatcha need here, darlin'. Don't worry.” She shut her eyes. “I ain't looking.” “Oh thank you, Applejack. Thank you so much.” The door opened a tiny crack with magic. Lavender energy encased the two toilet paper rolls, and they flew into the tiny wooden shack within the space of a blink. The door slammed shut as Twilight exhaled a breath of relief from within. “I've... I-I've never been in this situation before.” “Yeah, well, dun you fret. On account of you bein' a Princess and all, I doubt it'll ever happen again.” Applejack crossed her legs with a friendly smirk. “Anythang else I can help ya with, sugarcube?” “Erm... no, Applejack. You've done more than enough. I'll... uh... I'll be out to rejoin you and your family in a minute.” “Heheh... sure thang!” Applejack turned to trot down the hilltop, but paused halfway. “But... y'know... if y'all need anythang... and I do mean anythang... just holler, y'hear?” Dead silence. “... ... ...Twilight?” The outhouse shook. A wet gross vomiting noise echoed down the hill, making the apple tree branches shake and quiver. Applejack blinked. “...so... do y'all need me to stay, or...?” The vomiting repeated, even louder and wetter this time. “We have only sixty seconds left!” Twilight Sparkle hollered, her brow covered in sweat. Her eyes reflected a mess of multi-colored wires, and all around her the floor of the Canterlot Palace was covered with the bodies of freshly pulverised Diamond Dogs. “We have to diffuse the canines' bomb or else every hostage and citizen in the city goes up in flame!” “Alright! No panickin'!” Applejack sat across the large, ticking explosive from the Princess. She tore the sleeves of her Gala dress loose and cracked her neck joints. “Let's do this, sugarcube.” The mare plucked a pair of wire cutters from the floor and stared into the splayed guts of the bomb. “Just tell me what to pluck and where. We'll utilize yer expert brain and my apple peelin' finesse!” “I... I don't even know where to start!” Twilight hissed, her eyes darting from one wire to the next. “Just one wrong move, and we could all explode in a horrible plume of flame and shrapnel!” She clutched her head as her lavender brow furrowed. “Ohhhhhh... if only I could somehow concentrate!” “Dun fret none, darlin'!” Applejack smiled. “Y'all got the best brain of us all! So I'm sure y'all will think of somethin'!” “... ... ...” “Twilight?” Applejack's emerald eyes darted up. “Y'all still with me, sugarcube?” “Uhhhhhh...” Twilight's eyes shrank into pinpricks. She stared deep into the intestines of the ticking bomb, her muzzle starting to leak with drool. “... ... ...derp?” “Huh... well then...” Applejack shrugged, then reached forward with the wire cutters. “Reckon the red wire is the trick.” She smiled as she plucked the crimson string in two. “I've always liked red. Reminds me of a fruit that I fancy—” KAPOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
l“Uhmmm...” Rarity fidgeted in place, her pale brow furrowed. “I... don't quite remember that last scenario unfolding at any particular time, darling...” “Yes... well... it's something that could happen, don't you think?!” Twilight Sparkle stammered, her violet eyes bugging out. “We're the representatives of Harmony in Equestria, Rarity! We can't afford any random linguistic hiccups during our routine adventures!” “And why not?” “Because... because explosions!” Twilight's voice cracked. “That's why!” “Explosions? Whew!” A voice rasped above the two mares. The air of the room shifted from the cool flapping of even cooler wings. “Finally, you girls are talking about something that's worth a darn.” “Huh?” Twilight looked up. “Oh, good morning, Rainbow Dash!” Rarity smiled with a dainty curtsy. “What a pleasure seeing you this early. You certainly look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.” “Meh.” Rainbow hovered in place, flipping through a hard-bound book. “Rainbow...” Twilight frowned slightly. “I don't recall inviting you over. Just how long have you been here?” She blinked. “How'd you even get in?” “Y'know, for a Princess, you really don't close your balcony windows that much,” Rainbow muttered, stifling a yawn. “I mean, I know that nowadays you're contractually obligated to flounce out in a flowy ballgown and sing a random aria to the sunrise, but come on.” “Errrrrrrrr...” Twilight fidgeted with a blush. “And if you really wanna know, I came by to pick up my Daring Do novel. You know..." She glared down with one piercing ruby eye. “The one that I asked to have returned over three days ago?” “Oh. Right. That.” Twilight gulped. “I'm... I-I'm so sorry, Rainbow Dash. I've been kinda busy.” “Yeah.” Rainbow's eyes darted between the mountains of text. “I can see that.” “Did you happen to hear much of our conversation, Rainbow?” Rarity remarked. “Just up to the point where Twilight was ready to burn AJ at the stake. Yeah.” “What?!” Twilight frowned. “Rainbow, I do not want to burn Applejack at the stake!” “You sure about that?” Rainbow closed the novel and pointed at the three hundred page treatise lying on the floor. “You certainly have enough fuel for the job.” “Rainbow, I wrote this neat and detailed paper in order to educate Applejack—” “On what? Friendship?” “No! On grammatical inaccuracies and the necessity for correcting them!” “Yeah...” Rainbow Dash smirked, rolling her eyes. “'Cuz that's sooooooo much more important than friendship!” “It... it isn't!” Twilight stammered. “Then why's it such a big deal?” Rarity giggled. Twilight frowned at the unicorn. “It's nothing to titter over!” “Twilight, darling, a lady never titters.” Rarity fluffed her mane with an upturned nose. “She merely... chortles in an air of genteel frivolity.” “Call it what you want!” Twilight stomped a hoof. “But this is serious! Gone are the days when we would all hold hooves and zap something evil and chaotic with beams of harmonic rainbow magic! Right now, it's all about diplomacy! Social grace and tact! We won't be spreading friendship very far if we don't get our social etiquette down just right!” “Heheh...” Rainbow Dash flew lower, hugging her Daring Do book to her chest. “And you're getting in a tangled mess over Applejack's social graces? Girl, the mare might smell like a farm and make love to apples, but when has she ever—like—embarrassed you?” “Just a few days ago!” Twilight squeaked, pointing towards the interior lengths of the Palace. “Right in front of the Duke!” “Pffft... I don't see the Gazelle Army bouncing up to our moat,” Rainbow droned, “They haven't declared war or nothing.” She blinked, then grinned at Rarity. “Dudes! We should totally get a moat! Wouldn't that be sweet?!” “Oooh!” Rarity bounced in place. “With bordering flower gardens and little swan boats! Squee! It'd be divine!” “No, it would not be!” Twilight growled. “... ... ...” Rarity stood awkwardly in place. “...pelican boats?” “I'm not talking about swans or pelicans, I'm talking about Applejack!” Twilight frowned. “I can't... we can't settle for her using gross grammatical inaccuracies when addressing our visiting diplomats! Home-grown colloquialisms or not, terms like 'y'all' simply must not be used when speaking to the likes of Duke Autumn Breeze!” “Ah jeez...” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Princess Egghead's shell has already cracked. Must be from the tiara's weight.” “Huh?” “Twi...” Rainbow Dash planted her hooves on her floating hips. “How many times has Applejack spoken to Princess Celestia? Or members of her family spoken with her?” The mare chuckled. “Heck... if what Granny Smith says is true, entire generations of Apple Family ponies have crossed paths with Celestia over the decades. Wanna guess how many times they exchanged words whenever they met? Even silly, farm-sweating words?” She shrugged. “If you ask me, Princess Celestia woulda banished our favorite fruit farmers ages ago if the way they drawled was such a big deal.” “Rainbow, this is not a matter of interior Equestrian socializing!” Twilight exclaimed. She waved a lavender hoof. “Our task these days is making friendships... new friendships with those outside our normal social circles! We have to be prepared for any and all eventualities, and—I'm sorry—but Applejack's vernacular is a liability we can't afford!” “But... like... becoming friends is all about giving as well as taking.” Rainbow shrugged. “We were willing to tolerate the Yak-Yaks when they went totally berserk and started homewrecking. We shrugged off Discord's invitation of the Smooze to the last Gala. And nopony bothered to say out loud how much they hated Duke Autumn Breeze's super ugly horn rings!” “Perish the thought!” Rarity gasped. “I-I found them to be quite beautiful and dazzling—” “Point is...” Rainbow pointed. “When making new friends, we embrace some of the stuff that we—as ponies—would otherwise find lame! And, y'know, that's totally cool! But... being friends is about making compromises both ways as well! You know this, Twi!” She smiled. “And so maybe Applejack doesn't dot some of her I's or cross her T's. So what? If a dude like Duke Autumn Breeze is too stuck up to accept that, then why should we bother being friends with the Gazelle Prince in the first place? I mean... making Applejack change who she is just to make a foppish guy happy? Don't you realize how lame that sounds? Pffft... we all know she's polite! And I'm sure the Duke could sense that as well! That's why he didn't friggin' say anything! Can't you see? It's no sweat! Really!” “You were right about making compromises both ways, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said. "In the end, this isn't about making Applejack change who she is. It's simply a matter of making a compromise in her manner of speaking! It's about how she presents herself! About how she formulates her words.” Her brow furrowed. “You of all ponies should know, Rainbow, just how important it is to play an important role in something and stick to it. For instance, every time you show up at the Wonderbolts Academy, you have to cast aside casual posture and idioms, don't you? I mean... you couldn't very well perform a flight drill under Spitfire's supervision if you were all slouching and joking the entire time!” “Oh pleeeeease...” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. She flew backwards across the room, fighting the urge to giggle. “Are you really comparing our task as friendship ambassadors to some sort of formal military code?” “Yes!” Twilight said. Even Rarity laughed at that, and the alicorn frowned at her. “What?!” “Twilight, darling, perhaps some sleep is in order,” Rarity said, patting the mare's shoulder. "You're starting to sound like my father during Macaroni Family Mondays." “I simply can't believe that neither of you are on the same page as I am!” Twilight exclaimed. “Since when did you second guess my lectures on friendship?” “Since you stopped being a Princess and started turning into an Evil Queen,” Rainbow said with a wink. Twilight huffed. “Rainbow...” “I'm joshin' you. Simply joshin' you, Twi.” Rainbow ruffled the mare's mane and hovered before her. “Seriously. If this is such a big deal, go talk to Applejack about it.” “Yes, darling, be upfront with her,” Rarity said. “You know she appreciates that.” “But... but...” Twilight pointed at the thick bundle of papers. “...the essay.” “Ugh...” Rainbow backflipped and flew towards the nearest window. “It's too dang early for this. I'm out of here, guys. Smell you later.” “Fare well, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity waved with a smile. “Tea and cupcakes later?” "With the sprinkles shaped like tortoises with jet packs?" "Most certainly." “Woohoo! You bet!” Fwooosh! And the speedster was gone. “You... you don't think I'm turning into an 'Evil Queen,' Rarity...” Twilight floated the thick treatise up and hugged it like a pillow. Her eyes quivered. “...do you?” “Ohhhh Twilight...” Rarity trotted over and nuzzled the mare. “Don't let Rainbow Dash's comic hyperboles get to you. The mare's being her usual, loyal self. It's only natural for her to play the devil's advocate in a conversation like this.” “But... but I'm not trying to paint Applejack as a 'devil,'” Twilight said. “It's just... just...” “She could use a bit of work on her social graces. I understand that.” Rarity nodded with a smile. “I've always understood that. But I also learned—long ago—that you can't always change the essence of a pony, nor do you always need to. And it's not as though Applejack has an odor problem or something else of a disgusting nature! She's simply... erm...” “Obtuse,” Twilight droned. “Hmmm... indeed.” Rarity let loose a long sigh. “And, alas, the pendulum has swung back.” “Unngh...” Twilight rubbed her skull. “I could use some coffee.” “So could I.” Rarity's face lit up. “A trip to Sugarcube Corner, perhaps?” “Oh, that sounds wonderful.” Twilight levitated a pen over to join her veritable tomb of hoof-written notes. “I could do some editing while we sit and chat!” “Oh, goodness...” Rarity fought the urge to roll her eyes. “Doesn't that sound divine?” She walked Twilight out of the room and to the front door of the Palace. “Really, darling, you should get your beauty sleep. Not to suggest that you're lacking in aesthetic qualities as of late... ahem... but it would do a great deal of good to the mind as well as the body and soul.” “Hey, there's nothing wrong with my mind!” Twilight said, frowning slightly as she tugged on the front doors with her magic. “It's just that when I set my thoughts on something, I have to tackle it until the project is completely one hundred percent finished!” “Uh huh...” “And, believe you me, if this treatise doesn't convince Applejack to turn a new leaf... then I don't know what will.” Twilight opened the door. Her violet eyes reflected bright freckles in the morning sunlight. “Mornin', y'all!” “Applejack!” Twilight's voice cracked as she teetered backwards.
i“Twilight Sparkle!” Applejack shifted the weight of apple baskets on her flank and shuffled forward. “Just the Princess I wanted to see! Heheh...” She leaned in with a home-grown smirk. “I was told that ya wanted to speak to me?” “Uhhhh...” Twilight blinked. She glanced at Rarity, the stared out the front door to the Palace. “...you were?” In the distance, Rainbow Dash could be seen diving through the bright morning haze. She saluted from afar, twirled around with the hint of a smirk, and zipped off towards the glowing horizon. Twilight clenched her jaw. After a breath, she muttered, “Yeah... I was... I-I was hoping to have a word with you.” She gulped. “Or... perhaps one and a half.” “Well, good thang I was settin' out this early to sell apples downtown!” Applejack adjusted her hat. “Still, reckon I could spare a half-hour before I set up shop.” She glanced aside and nodded her head. “Howdy, Rarity. Lookin' snazzy this hour.” “Naturally.” Rarity cleared her throat. “I think I'll... uhm...” She pointed deeper into the Palace and trotted to the next room. “...I-I'll be in the library with Twilight's new dress. Counting... petticoats. And then some.” Applejack's orange brow furrowed as she watched the fashionista leave the scene. “Huh... I wonder what got stuck in her craw.” The mare shrugged. “Ah well...” She leaned against the door frame and smiled Twilight's way. “What can I do ya for, Princess?” She plucked a fruit from her basket and hoofed it out before the mare. “Want a bite? They're freshly-picked! Got up before the rooster crowed for this here bushel! Heheh...” “Thanks, Applejack...” “Now why dun y'all tell me what's on yer mind?” Upon hearing that, Twilight's eyes twitched. She looked up at the mare, her muzzle quivering. She looked at the apple offering, then at the thick paper in her grasp. “Hmmm?” Applejack leaned her smiling face to the side. “Well?” “I... I-I...” Twilight hugged the treatise tighter and tighter. Finally, a few sheets slid loose, collecting at her hooves. That's when the alicorn collapsed. Tears welled up in her eyes and she burst with a quiet sob, covering her face. “Oh Applejack... Applejack, I'm so sorry...” The farm mare's lips pursed. “Why... what's the matter, sugarcube???” She leaned in, resting a hoof on the Princess' shoulder. “What's gotten you so worked up? You can talk to me about it!” “That's j-just it...” Twilight sobbed and sniffled. She rubbed her eyes and muzzle—but still couldn't summon the strength to look the other pony directly in the face. “I wanted to talk to you about something. I wanted to talk to you about something so very badly... but now... when I see you... when I hear the warmth in your voice...” She stammered, her breath reduced to sporadic hiccups. “Twilight, just spit it out, darlin'!” Applejack cooed, lovingly stroking the mare's wet cheek. “Ain't nothin' y'all can offend me with! We're friends!” “Yes...” Twilight shuddered. “Yes, we are...” She smiled, finally making eye contact with the pony. “I love you so much, Applejack. I... I don't want you to ever change. I don't want any of my friends to change who and what they are.” “Well, I reckon not.” Applejack raised an eyebrow. “But... somethang's got ya bothered real bad. Tell me, Twilight... did... did I do somethin' to offend you?” “No! Not at all!” Twilight instantly cringed. “And yet... mmmm... yes.” “Then tell me, sweetheart,” Applejack said, smiling kindly. “Tell me so that I may learn right.” “It's... it's not about learning...” Twilight shuddered, gazing at the sheets of paper beneath them, between them. “Not really. I... I just...” She ran a hoof through her mane, then exhaled heavily. Her dull eyes swam in Applejack's direction. “The other day... when the Duke visited... you know—Duke Autum Breeze of the Stone Trot Valley?” “You betcha...” “You... uhm...” Twilight gulped. “You sp-spoke with him, Applejack, and... uhm...” Her eyes twitched. “You were polite! You were on your absolute best behavior! Th-that wasn't the issue!” “Then what was, darlin'?” Applejack's lips pursed. “What was the issue?” “You... uhhh... you k-kinda sorta... referred to him with a grammatically incorrect pluralized contraction...” Twilight winced, leaning back as if preparing for a freckled cobra strike. “...even though he was only one... gazelle?” “... ... ...” Applejack stared at the Princess. “And... and do you even remember how long he just... gazed at you in awkward silence immediately afterwards?” “Hmmmmm...” Applejack leaned back, her apple baskets shifting on either side of her. “Awkward silence... awkward silence...” She tapped her chin in intense thought. “...this was when I said what now?” “Uhm... y'know... one of your usual colloquialisms... only... only I-I think it caught him off guard.” Twilight bit her lip. Applejack's eyes darted left and right for a good half-minute. At last, her gaze twitched in the mare's direction. “... ... ...you mean 'Y'all?'” “Yes! Yes, Applejack!” Twilight exhaled. “You referred to the Duke as 'Y'all!'” “Heh... fancy that.” Applejack chuckled, smiling into nothingness. A few blinks later, she looked at the Princess again. “And is that wrong or somethin'?” “You mean you don't know?!?” Applejack shrugged. “Every so often, I'm bein' told that the way I say thangs ain't proper-like. To be honest, I dun think much of it. Erm... just how many times did I use it in front of the Duke?” “Well, just one time, really.” Twilight dryly gulped. “But... but it was enough for me to notice a distinct reaction from him.” “Well, shoot...” Applejack lowered her hat to her fuzzy chest. “Hope I didn't start no war or nothin'.” She gulped. “The War of the Y'alls.” “No, Applejack—” “'Cuz that wouldn't do one lick of good, y'all bein' princess and all...” Applejack's muzzle twisted almost instantly. “Erm... I mean... y-you—” “Applejack, please...” Twilight reached forward, bracing the mare's shoulders. “Just... just...” She sighed, sniffling one last time. “Quit while you're ahead.” “But... but I dun get it, Twilight...” Applejack plopped her hat back on her folded ears. “Ain't this the heart of the issue? I'm... I'm sayin' somethin' uncivil-like, apparently.” “But you don't have to change the way you talk in front of me,” Twilight said with a soft smile. “Honestly. I... I got worked up about it, but that's my own fault. Just... erm...” She blushed slightly. “When you're talking to diplomats... I... I hope it's not too much to ask—” “That I mind my tongue a bit more.” Applejack nodded with a smile. “Can do, darlin'! Just say the word and I'll... not say the word.” “Mmmm...” Twilight sighed, covering her face with a hoof. “It... it's not that simple, really.” “Then you'll definitely have to lend me some help with the matter. Sometimes I'm so casual, Twilight, that I just can't help myself.” She pointed at the papers on the floor. “What're these? Cheat sheets for perusin'?” “A-and it doesn't have to be that complex either, Applejack!” Twilight's voice cracked. “Look, I... I overreacted.” She sighed. “As always. But... still...” She bit her lip with a humble twinkle to her eyes. “If... if you don't mind being a bit more formal with the dignitaries we're trying to be friends with?” Applejack chuckled... then chuckled harder. To that, Twilight arched an eyebrow. “What... wh-what's so funny?” “That's just the thang, Twilight. Now, I know I may not look the type...” Applejack rested a hoof over her chest. “...but I've stressed over this sort of matter myself from time to time.” “You?!” Twilight pointed with a gawking expression. “Stressed?!” “Hey, dun let it carry around, y'hear?” Applejack looked over her shoulders at the sunny lengths of Ponyville. She leaned in through the Palace doorframe. “Ever since I made the trip to Manehattan as a little filly, I've always been sweatin' myself somethin' fierce over how I make myself look and sound in front of other ponies at formal shindigs.” She leaned back with a more confident smile. “But... ever since you became Princess... eheheh... reckon I've let most of that slide. I suppose that's mighty lazy of me.” “I... I don't understand,” Twilight murmured. “Twilight, it's like this... y'hear?” Applejack trotted over and plopped down beside the alicorn. She gestured with her hooves as she spoke. “I'm most relaxed when I'm with my friends... 'bout as relaxed as I am with my family. Cuz y'all are my friends.” She blushed slightly. “Erm... by 'y'all' I'm meanin' you and the girls.” Twilight nodded. “Yes. I get it, Applejack.” “And... well...” Applejack shrugged. “If what we're destined to do in this here Palace is make new friends... with these here cutie marks flashin' super bright whenever there's a new friendship quest to be done n'whatnot...” She smiled. “Why not be relaxed and casual-like with everypony? Dun that make any sense?” “So... what you're saying is—” “Sugarcube, I can't rightly count how many times I've used 'y'all' in a way that makes yer royal skin crawl,” Applejack said. “But... I reckon it's just my means of showin' that I care deeply about y'all.” She smiled, adding with a glowing wink: “All y'all.” She chuckled in a deep voice. “And now that we have all these fancy new foreigners visitin' from Celestia-knows over yonder to make amends with the Princess of Friendship and her best gal pals, well, I want them to feel at home in my heart too! So they all... join y'all... y'all hear?” Twilight giggled. She wiped her cheeks dry and nodded with a rosy smile. “Yes, Applejack. I hear. And I understand.” She placed a hoof on Applejack's shoulder. “And that's very... very thoughtful of you.” “Pffft. If ya say so.” Applejack shrugged. “I figured the whole point was to not put any thought into it at all!” “Eheheheh...” Twilight nodded, sighing. “And that's a fine art that I've... been known to struggle with.” “I'd say.” Applejack looked at all the spilled notes beneath them. “If I didn't know better, I'd say you was preparin' for a griffon ambassador to set up a brief stay in yer foyer.” “Heeheehee... it's just as well.” Twilight shuddered. “You... you don't want to know how far I was going off the deep end about... about... well...” She rolled her eyes. “Guess it doesn't matter now.” “Now dun be sayin' that.” Applejack gazed thoughtfully at the Princess. “I can see how this is very important to you, bein' Celestia's representative of friendship'n'all.” Nostrils flaring, she stood up and helped Twilight onto her hooves with a strong grip. “If it means so much to you, Twilight, I'll do my darnedest to use less farmstead words around our visitors who might happen to be sportin' crowns and tiaras.” “But, Applejack, it's... I mean I don't...” Twilight sighed, shaking her head. “You really shouldn't have to change who you are or how you—” “There's a time and a place for everythang, Twilight,” Applejack said. “I'm old enough to know when to put on airs and when not to.” She smiled. “And I've been blessed to know you long enough to have an inklin' on when to flip that same etiquette switch on and off.” She chuckled. “In a way, I should be thankin' ya.” “No, Applejack. I'm the one who should be thankful,” Twilight said with a soft breath. “You've taught me long ago the value of honesty. Next time, I promise, I'll just come to you directly if I feel like there's... an issue of any sort.” “Heh... I look forward to it,” Applejack said. “Any opportunity to talk with my favorite Princess is just fine and dandy.” “Oh Applejack...” Twilight sighed, leaning forward to nuzzle the mare. “You really are best pony.” “Heheheheh... shhhh...” Applejack nuzzled her back and pointed towards the library room of the Palace. “Not so loud, darlin'. Even the ponyquins have her eyes and ears.” Twilight giggled. “Somehow, I don't think Rarity would protest.” “Whew-wee! That would be a first!” Applejack tilted her hat, then shuffled around. “Well, I'd best be gettin' to my fruit vendor. Y'all—” Her teeth gritted, nearly producing sparks. She turned the grimace into a sheepish smile about halfway through. “...you take care of yourselves... self... mrmmmf... you get it.” “Yes, I do.” Twilight waved. “And have a wonderful, prosperous day, Applejack.” “Will do.” And the mare trotted off, casually humming a countrified tune. Smiling to herself, Twilight closed the door to her palace. Picking up every loose sheet with her magic, she sighed and trotted into the center room with a delightful bounce to her canter.
n'Rarity looked up from where she sat in the room, surrounded by towering books. “Hmmm? Back so soon?” She finished adjusting the hem of Twilight's new dress. “I trust it went well?” “How could it not?” Twilight remarked, shuffling forward with a slight yawn. “She's Applejack. Honestly... why do I get so worked up over the littlest of things?” Rarity hummed a breathy chuckle. “Well, if that isn't the question of the century, darling?” “I just... told her how I felt, and the rest was like apple-scented clockwork.” Twilight sighed. One by one, she lifted the books off the floor and shelved them along the walls of the Palace library. “Three days... I obsessed over this nonsense for three days!” She gnashed her teeth. “What kind of a Princess of Friendship am I if I can't just open up to my closest companions about things?” “You're the best kind of Princess, Twilight,” Rarity said. “Cautious, considerate, and ever-so-graceful.” She bore an elegant smile as she folded the pretty dress up once more. “You shouldn't hate yourself for the occasional over-exuberant thought process. After all, you have the not-so-enviable task of balancing companionship with Equestria's general well-being. Surely, that can't be an easy task.” “And you know... in the end... there's nothing quite so terrible about 'y'all,'” Twilight said. She shook her head with a delightful giggle. “Rarity, from now on, I promise not to get so worked up over grammatical flubs ever again.” “Oh...?” Twilight crossed her heart. “Pinkie Pie Swear.” She shelved the last of the books, gazing off with a determined smile. “The next time I hear something spoken in an incorrect or obtuse fashion, I'm just going to take a calm breath and... let it be. It's absolutely nothing to second-guess friendship merit over. Don't you agree?” “Oh, absolutely, darling.” Rarity slid the dress into its ornate box, then tied a ribbon around it. “Irregardless, a certain modicum of decency wouldn't hurt one's vocabulary.” With a delightful sigh, she spun about and smiled at Twilight. “So... your Highness... shall we embark to Sugarcube Corner?” Twilight stood in place, shaking all over. “Uhm...” Rarity tilted her head to the side. “...Twilight?” The alicorn's teeth gritted. Veins popped in her neck while her horn glowed brighter and brighter to the point of sizzling. “Are... are you quite alright, darling—?” POWWWWWW! A wave of books, paper, and crystalline debris exploded in the unicorn's general direction.
