Top Hats & Metal Wings

???, Unknown date

Tellis was flying through the sky without a care in the world. The wind was blowing his white mane back, his large and powerful wings beating the air as he climbed ever higher above the clouds. He hovered for a bit, letting the sun warm his lavender skin, but something was off… Tellis looked at where his wings should be, but there was nothing there! Sheer terror enveloped his brain as he plummeted back towards Equestria. He tried to land on a cloud, but shot straight through it like an arrow. All he could do now was watch the ground rush straight towards him as he kissed his flank goodbye. Tellis bolted up with a small shout. He was home in his bed, panting in the dark room, still wingless. Lyra Heartstrings stirred in a separate bed with a groan, but didn’t wake up. Nothing short of having a bucket of water dumped on her would do that. Tellis cracked his neck, his semi-hollow bones making a distinctive popping sound. He then looked over at his battered dresser, where his prosthetic Omni-hoof was charging on a stand, building up emergency reserve power. The focus crystal inside that allowed him to perform spells bled a mystical purple aura from inside the bronze and steel casing as it cast a brilliant light all over the wall. Tellis watched the light show for a time while reminiscing about his teenage years, when he first met the Doctor. He rubbed at his stubby hoof with his good one as he let out a solemn sigh.

New Ponyville, Equestria. Saturday night. March 17, 1048CR.

Seven weeks have passed since Tellis took down the drug cartel ruling over New Ponyville, and things have settled down quite nicely. This worried Tellis deeply, because if something crazy didn’t happen about every week, the insanity would build up and unleash unholy amounts of craziness upon his life. Once nothing happened for four weeks and Tellis was knocked out by a flying squid wielding a cricket bat while he was walking through the countryside. Then he woke up inside of a submarine at the bottom of Bowl Lake. The details of his escape are a bit fuzzy; slowly asphyxiating in a small metal coffin does that to a guy. Tellis got out of his bed, hobbled over to his prosthetic hoof, and attached it to his stumpy foreleg. You never really get used to being shocked like that, but he was able to hold in the electrified yelp so he wouldn’t wake up his roommate, the unicorn pony lyrist cryogenically frozen for past forty-five years known as Lyra Heartstrings. After allowing the pain to subside, he grabbed his lucky black hat off the dresser with his teeth and expertly flipped it onto his head of white hair, and then he pressed it down so it wouldn’t just fall off his head when he started walking. The Omni-hoof had just finished activating, small green lights, meters, and other instruments replaced the light that shone from the now dim focus crystal from under an access panel held on with screws. Tellis’s jacket with the sonic screwdriver he received from the Doctor was passed up since he wasn’t going outside. He still didn’t like being completely naked, though.

After flexing his robotic hand’s fingers and then retracting it, Tellis headed downstairs towards the kitchen as quietly as he could with a large hunk of metal connected to his foreleg. Just as he reached the kitchen’s door, he hears hoofsteps inside. A burglar! How dare he/she enter his house, to take what he owned!? Tellis threw open the kitchen door, flipped the light switch to the right of him with his good hoof, and poised to strike the intruder with magic from his other. Tellis didn’t know any real spells, but his prosthetic looked intimidating enough when in magic mode to exaggerate his abilities. Tellis was not met with the burglar he expected to see, instead there was Comet, the granddaughter of Rainbow Dash. She was holding a partially eaten cookie, scared half to death by her crazy godfather suddenly bursting into the kitchen.

Tellis lowered his Omni-hoof and beamed, “Aha! I have caught the great cookie thief of New Ponyville red hoofed at last!

“Tellis, what’s wrong with you!? Are you crazy? Wait, forget that I asked.

”I thought you liked that I was a bit crazy and not just some regular, boring, time traveling, life-saving, princess-meeting, took-you-to-that-conventioning—“

“Shut up! I get it, you’re ‘cool’. Geez, you don’t have to remind me every twenty minutes.” Comet sarcastically interrupted before she finished her cookie.

Tellis went over to the refrigerator, opened it, and pulled out a can of ice cold Flutter Cola, or as he called it, ‘Celestia’s private reserve.’ He opened it, promptly chugged the entire can, his right amber eye contracted while the other dilated, a strange sight to those that didn’t know him. Tellis said with a satisfied smile, “Sweet nectar… (Loud belch).”

“Aw, dude, gross!”

The two start laughing, but then quieted back down, Lyra did NOT like being woken up. Tellis then asked Comet, “So you couldn’t sleep either, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Another one of those dreams?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Me too, we probably need to go see a psychiatrist, like Ruby did.” Tellis chuckled at his little joke.

“Yeah that freaky blue wood all over her room made her a real hayseed! I still can’t believe she tried to have us all killed!”

“Language, language Comet. For shame,” Tellis mock scolded his granddaughter while waggling a finger from an extended

metallic hand.

“Whatever. Hey, what are we gonna do in the morning? Today’s the last day of Spring Break, and I wanna make it special, ya know?”

“I was just going to take us all to Bucky T.’s…”

“Bucky T.’s? That place is for little kids!”

“And that’s why it was a bad idea. What did YOU have in mind, o fun one?”

Comet pondered for a moment, then her face lit up and she shouted, “O’Brennigan’s!”

“Isn’t that place just like Bucky T.’s?”

“But it isn’t for little kids. Besides, it has laser tag!” Ah, laser tag, the sport of champions. Celestia herself enjoys it in her free time; she even converted a room in the castle for “diplomatic purposes” into a big laser tag arena. She plays on separate teams against her sister, with the rest of the teams’ members made up of the royal guard. At the end of every summer, she makes the entire castle a laser battleground, there’s this competition with a prize and everything! Comet, Lyra and Tellis went with the rest of the gang last year, Tellis actually ‘killed’ Luna to cause a big enough distraction for his team, ‘The Harmonious 8’ to make a break for a more defensible position outside of the throne room Celestia was based in. It was amazing, you should have been there.

"Hey, Tellis, what’s up with your hoof? You know, the metal one.”

Tellis, with a puzzled look on his face, examined his prosthetic and saw that the focus crystal inside it was glowing very brightly while also emitting the aroma of burnt toast mixed with motor oil. He shouted to his goddaughter, “Comet! Get me a knife, a big one to pry this thing out, now!” He activated the hoof’s magic mode, exposing the crystal that was glowing ever brighter. Comet dropped a large knife on the center island of the kitchen; Tellis grabbed it with his mouth, and began to jimmy the focus crystal out of his mechanical hoof. It popped out onto the island, but it didn’t stop glowing. The crystal glowed even brighter as Tellis dropped the knife onto the floor, grabbed Comet with his forelegs and said to her terrified face, “Don’t worry, we’re gonna be—“The crystal explodes, creating a large portal in the middle of the kitchen. Purple lightning arced all around the room as the two ponies were sucked inside the vortex, along with the ceiling light and a few pans. The portal disappeared as fast as it appeared and a sleepy Lyra entered the destroyed kitchen and asked, “What the hay is making all that racke— ooh… guys?”

-_/==+;’:]I[|x}|<.>/|{x|]I[:’;+==\_-

Meanwhile, inside the maelstrom of the portal, Tellis was desperately holding onto Comet as they sped through the purple hell. As a novice flier, Comet had passed out from the g-forces. But Tellis, who has fallen from some VERY high places, hung on for about 10 more seconds until a pan smashed into the back of his head. The last thing Tellis saw before he fell unconscious was Comet being flung away from him to Celestia knows where.

--._-=/’:|]|[|:’=-_.--

Gassaway, West Virginia. Two days ago, March 14, 2013AD.

Michael has had a pretty uneventful year if you don’t count his cousin’s wedding and Bronycon. Also, he was at The Cookie Event, Derpy’s Rooms, Joker’s Run, and Chaos Overture LAN parties . Actually, forget what I said, this year’s looking pretty cool now that you think about it. Anyways, he finally convinced his mom to drop him off at the next town over at the house of one of the only people he considers a real friend. Bryan Foster. He’s been looking forward to this moment for a long time. They were going to start a local server on Minecraft and have a marathon session lasting all weekend with some other guys that they have met along the way to have an amazing role-playing adventure with not that much of a plot. It was simply one player would be the tyrannical king with an army of followers and limited Operator powers while a small, ragtag group of players fought against whoever was king. The resistance consisted of the players Bhive86, Boltaction_Bob, Yuriimager123, argonianclaw(Michael), and Death_By_Cupcake(Bryan). Everything had been built, the stage had been set, Bryan was recording, the voicechat was active with two separate channels, and they were ready to go.

“Okay, this place is a hardcore server. If you die you’re dead yada, yada, yada... You know what, read this book, It’ll explain everything,” argonianclaw, who insisted that the other players call him Tellis, set a few signed book and quills on a table in the middle of the war room, “You’re completely safe here in the rebel base unless King Avery89 decides to be stupid and kill us all, then we’ll have to ban him for breaking character.”

“Safe? This place looks like it’s gonna fall down on our heads any second!” Bolt_Actionbob protested to one of the administrators, argonianclaw.

“Well, that’s what time does to things Bob. We don’t have any other choice but to stay here since Avery burned our hometown to the ground, He and everyone who follows him will pay!” Death_By_Cupcake shouted before picking up an iron helmet and putting it on his blue, furry head a googly eye rattling around. Death adjusted his black pinstripe suit and red tie.

“Way to stay in character,” Michael said to Bryan in real life, impressed with his acting.

“Thanks, buddy,” Bryan thanked Michael before briefly tugging on the collar of his shirt with both hands.

Back to their game, Yuri, whose avatar was Creeper hunter Steve and he sharpened an arrowhead while sitting in a stone brick window while Hive. He turned to the lavender pony avatar with a single metal hand fooling around in a chest and asked, “If we’re supposed to be in character, how come he’s a purple, orange-eyed, white hair cybernetic horse wearing clothes and he’s the freaking cookie monster?”

“Because we are! Okay… let’s just say that Equestria is on the other side of the Boundless Sea and in this scenario I’velived here all my life, and he’s an ambassador from a faraway land, alright? Just read the books!”

Hive was being greedy with the leather armor, holding several vests in his arms and refusing to give them up. This earned him a punch in the face from Bob, knocking him to the ground and dropping his multicolored leather vests. Bolt picked up the white one and put it on over his black t-shirt. Argo picked up the green one just to have some protection. Normally he would go without it but the dye-able leather clothing is too sexy not to wear.

Crude stone swords fashioned from sharpened cobblestones attached to sticks were passed out among them by Death while Argo was still feeling around in the chest. Several clicks were heard and a single emerald, the money of the land was pulled out from a secret compartment in the bottom of the chest. Pretty handy to have when you run into a settlement of villagers. When they were all equipped with their gear, they had to find some food. It was a long run from Wyndshire where they were first attacked by Avery. The castle they were staying at was huge and finding the kitchens took a while to do even with prior knowledge of the layout by the people who built it. Once they had their fill of salted pork, dehydrated apples, ice chilled strength-boosting ale brewed from ground blaze powder, water, and Nether wart on high heat from a brewing stand made from a guardian-like construct of the underworld. Some lesser healing potions were there as well as a splash potion of healing II. Nothing but good those things are.

“So what’s the plan? What can we do with a hunter, an everyman, a blacksmith, a pony, and a muppet against Avery’s army? Come on, you must have something!” Michael said into the voicechat while checking if any of the king’s spies were listening in.

“I say we just run right up to his castle and kill him, and then boom, we win!” Yuri suggested.

Argo facehooved and said, “Didn’t you read the book at all? If we simply kill him, someone else will rise to power! We need to get something immensely powerful to restore the Nexus and overthrow him before he can get to it first! Something like...” He held up the old red book with a quill stuffed in its cover and opened it to a page with a picture of something strange was put inside.

“What is that?” Bob asked Argo, who sat the book on the large wooden counter and tapped on the picture with a metal finger.

“This. This is an egg. You guys might know what kind it is. Can you tell me?” he asked the man wearing a white leather vest.

“It’s an Enderdragon Egg!” Death answered for him, “Why do we need it?”

Back in reality, Michael let go of his talk key and asked Bryan, “Wait, why do we need it?”

“I don’t know, I thought you did.”

“Quickly, we gotta stall em! Uhh…”

“Uhh…”

“I- Oh why can’t I remember what it was”

“I got it!”

“What?”

“So we dress you up as Twilight and…”

Michael facepalmed before saying, “This is serious, I’m totally stalling right now… got it!”

He went back to the game and explained to the other players that the egg is what they need to power the Nexus, a complicated Redstone machine full of lamps and other flashing lights. The thing is, they didn’t know where an endgame stronghold was on this world since the sole purpose was to create a web series lasting at least ten episodes and feel really good about it. Well, Bryan, Michael, and Avery did, but where’s the filmmaking magic if they revealed that they totally knew where it was?

“So where is the egg?” Bob asked Argo.

“You know, that is a good question.”

-_/==+;’:]I[|x}|<.>/|{x|]I[:’;+==\_-

New Ponyville, one day ago, March 15, 1048CR.

“So what do you want? Comet? Hey, Comet!” Tellis called out to his goddaughter next to him in the passenger seat, who was looking out the driver side window towards the McPony’s.

“I don’t want anything.”

“Oh come on, I’m sure you want something. Hold on, gimme a second here,” Tellis said to Comet then the box next to his car, the Autobuggy. It’s a silly name for a type of car, I know, but it goes real fast, has excellent fuel efficiency, and the safety ratings were top notch. Flimflam Improvements really do make a decent car, and everything else for that matter. “From clothes to computers, carburetors to cash machines, we make everything!”

They sure do… heh. Oh yeah, Mcpony’s. Tellis ordered a Big Mac with a dandelion fritter happy meal for him and a parfait off the two bit menu for Comet. The young Diamond Dog working there didn’t seem to know what he was doing at the register but he was trying his best to give service with a smile without terrifying the customers, which took a lot of effort on his part. Bits are an ineffective currency in a modern market like this, because they are hard to manage in a situation such as this one if you don’t have magic or hands to move your money. Most places don’t really accept random approximations in burlap sacks anymore and expect you to count out the coins yourself. That’s kind of tough in a fast food drive through.

The sole reason he got the happy meal was for the toy inside. He nearly had every one of the Elements of Harmony toys, and he really wanted to rub it in Molly’s face the next time he saw her. She only had three of them and- aw come on, another Rarity? Dang. He’s got like four already! By this rate they’re gonna stop giving them out before he can get them all! He really is an immature child, pouting about the free toy in the cardboard box from the fast food place. Besides, it’s a bit strange for him to be collecting these things when he knows each of them somewhat personally, even though almost half of them are dead. Cancer got Rainbow, All that speed and she couldn’t out-fly. Pinkie’s heart simply gave up on her during one of the greatest parties in history. *Sigh*, we all knew she would go out doing what she loved… All right, enough of that kind of talk. What’s done is done.

Their final destination was a party at the Costume Castle, Hankinson Demarcus Pie, the son of Lemon Meringue Pie, the owner of the Costume Castle and cosplay enthusiast. His cooking wasn’t the best, so that’s why they hit up McPony’s before they picked up Lyra from the Octavia Memorial Royal Music Hall of New Ponyville. That sure is a mouthful, and OMRMHNP is a stupid acronym that ties tongues, so everypony that cares enough just calls it The Hall. There sure was a lot of lettuce on his Big Mac, but not a whole lot of dandelions… those commercials make it seem like the biggest, baddest sandwich in all the land, but you end up paying about a dozen bits for a pretty lame sandwich that is mostly lettuce that falls out of it anyways. The fried eggs were full of empty calories, and they didn’t really taste any good. The only actually somewhat good part of it is the ‘secret’ sandwich sauce that is somewhat decent and is probably the reason some of the lettuce stays part of the sandwich.

The Hall’s main lobby was a massive, cavernous room with lots of windows. It was almost like a train depot’s lobby, except it was much more regal and clean. They found Lyra asleep on a bench, an electric lyre as her pillow. She’s been here since five in the morning and it’s almost eight now, the waning sun casting warm light on the sleeping mint colored unicorn with the white-streaked pale cyan mane.

“Aw crap, we forgot to get her something,” Tellis whispered to Comet, the clanking of his folded up Omni-hoof on the tile floor was pretty loud, which made him thankful his apartment had carpeting, or he simply needed to wear boots more often.

“Just give her this,” Comet held up her parfait and gave it to Tellis.

“Ah… she hates these things. Oh well, she’s probably starving,” He awkwardly trotted up to Lyra with a berry, granola, and yogurt treat in his metal hand, loudly cleared his throat and that proved to be quite ineffective. If at first you don’t succeed, steal everything. After throwing the parfait in the trash, he carried Lyra on his back while Comet held her futuristic lyre as they went back to his car.

She stirred in her sleep and groggily said, “Bon-Bugh… The run-ngh of…leaves… tomorrow. Gotta sleep…”

“What is she talking about?” Comet asked Tellis while putting the electric lyre in the car.

“You should know by now that it’s common in our house for ponies to talk in their sleep,” Tellis answered as He put the sleeping unicorn mare in the backseat, where she was still sleeping. Goddesses, she was a heavy sleeper.

He adjusted her tail, which got stuck under her when she was sat down, and made his way back over to the driver door. Ponyville was beautiful at this time, but twilight doesn’t last forever. Neither does parties, Tellis better get moving before he’s late for Hank’s party! He switched on the radio and the energetic voice of the reinstated radio DJ Vinyl Scratch filled the air.

“Hello, New Ponyville! Vinyl Scratch here dropping the freshest beats around and giving you crazy ponies the music you deserve! So in the news today, you know that pony running around, stealing from all the rich ponies up in Goldenlight? Personally, I say more power to him, but professionally, I say that WYNK is in Goldenlight and that guy has some buckshot with his name on it if he even thinks about hitting this place. Anyways, there’s a storm scheduled next Friday so don’t forget your umbrellas! It’s time for some music! Hope you like the Hoof Beats, cause I do.”

Comet looked at Tellis uneasily. He’s always had a beef with the ponies that lived in Goldenlight and he’s been sneaking out late at night recently to do Celestia knows what out there in the big city. The lavender pony was focusing on the road, approaching Six Harmonies Bridge that linked Old Town with the Everfree District and Lyra rolled around in the backseat onto her side and woke up.

“Wha- where am I?”

Comet took this moment and decided to say something stupid, “We’re ponynapping you! Ooooooh!” She waved her hooves around in front of the dazed pony’s face.

“What?!” Lyra shouted, still not recognizing that it was Comet. They can both be really stupid sometimes. Lyra’s horn glowed brightly as her eyes rolled back in her head and she fell back down to the seat. The car rapidly accelerated while Tellis desperately tried to regain control of the steeling wheel.

“Lyra, let go of the car! It’s us! Get back in your body, now! Goddesses!” Tellis screamed at the comatose body of an astral possessing Lyra Heartstrings who was now the car, “Now why’d you have to go and do that, Comet?”

“I didn’t know she would freak out and turn into the car!”

Lyra regained consciousness and her back arced as her soul went back into her body. She began to breathe heavily, looks like re-entry takes a lot out of you for that particular spell.

“She didn’t turn into the car, she took control of it. I thought I told you to never do that to my car again!” Tellis turned to Lyra before scolding her, “It’s not like I’m driving or anything! Geez!”

Comet’s ears lie down flat as she lowered her head, her rainbow-colored bangs covering half of her face, “Sorry, Tellis.”

He turned to the young mare next to him and said in a calm tone, “Don’t be, Comet,  you weren’t the one that possessed the car. Besides, where were you going with that? I mean, I know you know a bunch of more practical spells than just astral possession! I have seen you Blink like a hundred times around the house. ”

“Well… I-“

“Whatever, think before doing something stupid. You have to be prepared to live with the consequences,” He said gloomily, attention being directed towards his Omni-hoof, “Let’s just get to the party, your little stunt might have made us late, Lyra.”

“Sorry…”

“You should be, and here I was, thinking that I was the irresponsible foal who nailed together all the chairs and tables in his kitchen and called it ‘Fort Kickass’.”

“I said I was sorry, and that was pretty funny now that you think of it,” Lyra apologized before softly chuckling to herself.

With a mad look in his eyes, Tellis shouted, “Nopony likes a pessimist, Lyra!”

The mint mare cocked her head to the side and asked, “What?”

Comet pushed her bangs out of her eyes and said, “Who knows? This family is a bunch of crazies.” A family, she says. Guess you could call it that, even though none of them are even remotely related by blood, they were brought together by random chance, tragic loss, and opportunity. Not necessarily in that order, though.

Well, it wasn’t much farther to Hank’s home/workplace now and Tellis slowed down a bit. Hank has been known to dress up like Batpony and run around at night gruffly shouting “I’m Batpony” or simply “Batpony” but hopefully the party he’s throwing is preventing him from doing that which he loves. Tellis could barely remember what the little cosplayer actually looks like other than a male version of Pinkie Pie. It’s really weird that these two kids look so much like their grandparents, but that isn’t really important right now. What was important was the greeter in front of the Costume Castle dressed as...Tellis. How did he know what… and why? Sure It’s flattering, but what the hay?

After parking his car in the shop’s parking lot, he trotted up to the pink pony with the white wig, brown jacket, blue pants, and asked,  “Uhh… Hank?”

Hank, with his best Tellis impression, which was eerily spot on, replied, “Hey! I see you finally made it! What took you so long?”

This was getting creepy, it was as if he were staring into a mirror that made him look less like a mare. Who did he get to do the illusion spell for his coat color? Or maybe it was dye, he couldn’t tell. Let’s just hope that whatever it is that it’s temporary, Lemon would kill him if he inspired her son to do something this insane! Still he had to admit, Hank was pretty darn good at what he does for being just a little colt of twelve years, must be why his Cutie Mark was a mustachioed question mark. The small master of disguise’s Omni-hoof actually had moving fingers!

“We had to get Lyra, and you know how musicians are, right… me?”

Hank looked up at the pony he was emanating and beamed, “Cool beans!”

“That’s exactly what I would have said… I have too many questions,” Tellis whispered to himself, actually to himself. Not the pony in front of him. The others had caught up with Tellis, and Comet had put on her navy blue hoodie that she left in the car a few days ago since it was getting pretty cold outside.  Lyra looked at Tellis, then to Hank, then back to Tellis while Comet simply pushed her way past them and into the thumping bass coming from inside the large store.

“Are you serious? You can’t be-“

Both Hank and Tellis turned to Lyra and said simultaneously, “Quit being so uptight Lyra, if I didn’t know any better- will you stop doing that? I’m serious. How are you- Timey-wimey. Successful turnip. Lightning’s bad, m’kay? Jukebox of destiny. Alpac-“

Lyra has had enough of this stupidity. She got up on her hind legs and shouted at the two colts, “Shut up! Do you have any brains between the two of you?”

Tellis was looking right at Lyra’s serious face while the young buck next to him was turning his gaze more southward. He did his doppelganger a solid by using his good hoof to lift Hank’s chin up to avoid a situation that was anymore awkward than it already was.

He leaned in closer to Hank as Lyra was lecturing them about maturity and whispered to him, “I think we should go inside, she’s gonna keep us out here all night being all self-righteous. On three.”

Hankinson got up off his haunches and shouted, “Three!” before bolting inside with Tellis next to him.

The naturally white-maned pony congratulated Hank as Lyra dropped to all fours and angrily yelled at them. When they burst through the wooden double doors, Lyra was waiting for them, her greenish aura radiating off her body.

“Oh yeah…she can do that,” Hank said before Tellis could.

“Hey! I was talking and you g-“

“Quit being a party pooper, Heartstrings!” Lemon Meringue called out from a staircase leading to the second floor where the party was being held. The pale white earth pony with a curly yellow mane asked her son about his day who answered with, “Fine, mom,” and moved past her up the stairs and through the door to his home.

Lemon approached Lyra and gave her a big one-sided hug, and when she pulled away she turned to Tellis and asked him, “So how’s Comet?”

Tellis held up his Omni-hoof and counted out, “Well, she drinks all my soda, she doesn’t have enough hats, she has too many hats of a certain type, and she broods more than batpony. So basically, we’re doing pretty well.”

“That’s good to hear,” Lemon brought here forehooves together and beamed, “Come on, this day-before-day-before-the-end-of¬-spring-break party is just starting!”

-_/==+;’:]I[|x}|<.>/|{x|]I[:’;+==\_-

“So why are you dressed as me?” Tellis asked Hank before taking a sip of punch. The master of disguise was eating a cupcake drenched in Mild West hot sauce spiked with liquefied rainbow, so it really wasn’t safe for equine consumption. He poked at an enchanted contact lens that made his eyes an intense amber hue and adjusted themselves to the size of his irises accordingly. They’re marvelous things, color selector contacts.

“I’m dressed as you cause I’ve already gone as everypony else, remember?”

Tellis put his cup down on the large table, rubbed the back of his head with his good hoof and said, “Not really.”

“Also, you wear like a lot of clothes all the time and that’s easy to go on with a costume. You have no idea how hard it was to recreate Shining’s Cutie Mark! It took me like… three hours.”

“Isn’t her Cutie Mark this crazy, super detailed thingy with a machine and blue lightning bolt junk all over the place?” Tellis asked before picking his cup back up and taking another drink.

“Yeparoonie!” Hank beamed. It sure is a mystery as to why he acts like his grandma all the time, one Tellis or anypony else did not care enough about to solve. Maybe he’s part changeling? Nah. But who cares if he is?  Hank is awesome! Lemon was motioning for Tellis to come over to her from the kitchen.

“Sorry to cut this conversation short Hank, but your mom’s calling me,” Tellis apologized to Hank, who was eating another one of those death cupcakes. After dodging dancing party guests and this one drunken mare nopony was really sure why she was there, Tellis was in the kitchen. Lemon was pulling a green bottle out of her refrigerator, which made the other adults in the room take notice, especially CJ, who just turned 21 two months ago. Twilight Sparkle, Lyra, and Applebloom were waiting in anticipation for the contents of the bottle to be poured into glasses set on the kitchen’s center island. It was a well known fact that ponies…love…booze.

“Now whatcha got there?” Molly asked and popped out from behind the refrigerator door.

“Nothing for little fillies, now run along,” Lemon sweetly explained to Molly, who snatched the sealed bottle out of Lemon’s hooves and examined the label.

“Hey! Why you-“

“Hold your horses Lemon, I’m just lookin!” Melinda Shy gave the bottle back to an angry Lemon and said, “Champagne, huh? That’s a good year.” How old is she, thirteen? By the Goddesses. The little yellow Pegasus had the same color scheme as her grandmother, just like Hank and Comet. She had gotten black highlights in her mane and tail, and cut it really short, a lot like a certain Wonderbolt she adored, who gave her the cracked goggles she wore around her neck at all times. She was wearing a grey flight jacket tonight to fight against the city’s night chill, the one with the homemade Wonderbolts pin sewn into the collar.

Fluttershy, Molly’s only legal guardian and grandmother, was nowhere to be found. Not surprising since she slowly developed agoraphobia two years after Ponyville was destroyed so long ago. But even that didn’t stop her from getting some of that flank, because about four or five years after she was diagnosed, internet dating had been born. But enough about Molly’s heritage, there was champagne to consume!

Twilight looked over to Molly and asked, “Molly, why don’t you go see how Comet’s doing? She’s on the roof with Shining.”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it. I’ll get outta your manes,” and with that, she left the kitchen to find the roof access.

“Is she really out on the roof?” Cinnamon Jack asked Twilight before adjusting the hat she got from her aunt. The olive green earth pony mare with the brunette mane was an auto mechanic, a strange line of work for one hailing from the Apple clan, but it was what she was good at. Fixing cars has always been her passion, and she’s worked on the Autobuggy dozens of times, fine tuning her and replacing the old stock parts for something with a little more oomph in them. She even worked on his prosthetic several times. Tellis was proud to know such a gifted mechanic, but damn was she a mean drunk! Good thing it was only a bit of champagne and not something stronger, like whiskey or vodka.

It was a little bit hard pouring something out of a bottle into tall glasses without any opposable thumbs or magic to help you, but Lemon was used to how her body works, poured that champagne like a pro and set the bottle in the middle of the ring of five drinks. Everypony took a glass and waited for Lemon to say something. She realized that she was supposed to do that, moved her glass away from her lips and asked, “So what are we drinking to?”

CJ looked at her glass in her hooves longingly and said, “Uh…”

“I thought you knew,” Lyra commented while she bobbed her glass around with her magic.

“I think this would be a great time to quote one of my favorite books written by Starswirl the Bearded himself,” Twilight said before clearing her throat and continuing, ”Ahem, ‘Be that as-“

“I know!” Tellis interjected, “This is perfect, ‘For Life, Love, and Loot!’ “

“Tellis, I wasn’t-“

“Wouldn’t we need rum for that?” CJ asked Tellis.

“Who cares? I’m taking it. I’m making this toast in honor of Life, Love, and Loot!” Lemon Meringue Pie beamed as she raised her glass up to be met with four others.

--._-=/’:|]|[|:’=-_.--

Gemstone Cruises cruise liner, in the Floatin’ Boat.  March 15 2013, 9:00 P.M.

Five bottles full of varying spirits imbibed with special qualities were pulled apart from each other before three humans, a blue monster, and a lavender pony shouted, “CHEERS!”

Even though they weren’t really becoming intoxicated, they were acting so for the sake of the web series. Plus it was pretty funny watching Cookie Monster pour hard liquor with regenerative properties into his trashcan mouth. New cast members have been added and Bob had died. It was really emotional, well as emotional as they could make it with Minecraft.

“I miss Bob already,” Stock_LockePurel, the new female player that has taken Bob’s place lamented as she uncorked a bottle of Magma Malt. Magma Malt, when heat’s about, drink this so you won’t cop out!

Tellis lowered his Glistering Melon Healing Cider and drunkenly said, “Wha- yah… you nevah even mert the guh! He was dead… for at leasht a day… before… before we met you, lady!”

“You are one drunk pony, Tellis,” Yuri commented before taking a swig of Cane Punch! Alcoholic Energy Drink, causing him to start twitching slightly. The redstone infused potion crackled with the Aether’s energy on his tongue and it gave the drink a mellower, strawberry-like flavor that made one feel like they were floating on a cloud while the Cane Punch! made them want to ride that cloud through a wind tunnel.

Hive’s drink was apparently Nightowl, A tart beverage with the final ingredient being essence of golden carrot, because his eyes had started glowing and he was avoiding looking directly at the redstone-powered glowstone blue neon lamps hanging around the pub. “I think I’m gonna be seasick… ohh…”

“What? We haven’t even left port yet! We should have by now,” Death observed before taking another drink of his Fireball, a type of vodka made from potatoes, nether warts, water of course, and ghast tears. That stuff made all your problems seem like they weren’t anything to shed any tears about, but despite its name, it felt like you were the drinking ice-cold shattered dreams of a giant jellyfish from hell. Funny, because that was exactly what you were doing.

DBC sat his bottle onto a table before stumbling out of the pub in search of the captain to ask him what’s up with the delays, they needed to leave port a half hour ago! Tellis awkwardly trotted after him, leaving the other three behind to enjoy their bizarre drinks in the large metal cruise’s pub. He looked around the narrow corridor; Death couldn’t have gotten far… Tellis pushed his way past a surprised human avatar wearing a tuxedo and headed up a staircase leading to the upper deck. A voice on the P.A. system alerted all passengers aboard that Gemstone Cruises will be departing as soon as possible.

“Gyood! I’m ti-tired of waitin… anyways,” Tellis slurred to no one in particular. He passed an open room where it looked like a person wearing a smooth metal mask and a fedora was staring into a glass pane ‘mirror ‘on the wall. His vision was really blurry, though, whoever that was could have had a face or not. Who knows? He thought it was best not to get involved, plus that guy was really spooky. What was he doing? Oh yeah, looking for Death. He found it alright, as a skeleton armed with one of its own ribs sharpened to a lethal point burst out of a storage closet and tackled the drunken pony. It took a lot of bucking and smashing its head in with his Omni-hoof, but he emerged victorious with only several major stab wounds.

Michael couldn’t feel how bad it hurt to be argonianclaw right now, but his avatar was in extreme, almost unbearable pain and was leaning up against the wall, bleeding to death. All Michael could see was his avatar standing on all fours in the middle of the hallway with the puff of smoke that was once the skeleton going into the ventilation system. Tellis pulled out his bottle of Healing Cider, finished it, ripped the bone man’s femur off and stuffed it into his pack. Bonemeal is scarce around these parts, you see, and good bones to make it with don’t come by easily. He didn’t want to just leave a skeletal corpse lying around for someone to discover, so he did the only logical thing and took it with him. Now a sober sentient talking pony would have put the skeleton back where it came from… but come on, what did you expect?

As he stumbled through the corridors with his grotesque cargo, Tellis felt it get suddenly lighter as it broke in half and left a pelvis attached to a leg in the middle of the brightly lit carpeted hallway for a janitor to find. Eventually as he wandered through the ship in his search for his friend, the magics binding the skeleton together wore out and all he was holding was the top half of a bleached, cracked skull turning to dust in his metal hand. Letting the skull fall to the ground to crumble, Tellis looked around and saw that he somehow found himself inside the engine room. The body of a maintenance worker lying on the cold steel floor had several green spikes in his back and the heavy pipe wrench clutched in his hand had green blood and chitin-like scales stuck to it. After he searched around for a bit, Tellis saw the corpse of one of those walking green penises, a Creeper, leaning against the wall of some large piston turbine. The spines on its back were the only thing holding the smoldering, deflating monster up, seeing as how its skull had been bashed in with the maintenance worker’s wrench. So that’s why they haven’t left yet, monsters had secretly invaded the ship, but how? Mobs weren’t this smart, and the ship was pretty well lit with not a lot of places to hide. Tellis’s thoughts were interrupted by a nearby soft hissing and small, quiet footsteps. There was no question about it. There was another Creeper around here and Tellis didn’t have a weapon.  He’d have a fighting chance if he could just get to that wrench…

In Minecraft, a height advantage is always ideal in a combat situation, but Tellis couldn’t get any kind of hold onto the turbine, especially as inebriated he was. He picked himself off the ground real quick and remembered that he had an almost broken stone sword in his pack! He grabbed the small, crude blade from his bag, and it grew to full size by the time he had it in front of him, ready to strike. He had maybe three or four good strikes left in this thing before it shattered to pieces  and he would have a useless pile of nothing on his hooves, so he better make each swing count. He found the four-legged creature leaning over and staring at the dead maintenance worker with its sunken, glowing red eyes, its long tongue probing the corpse for whatever reason. By the goddesses these things were ugly.

“Here goes nothin, CHAAAARGE!!” Tellis screamed before running the Creeper through with his stone sword before it could realize what was going on. Tellis quickly turned about and bucked the monster away from him while it curled over, exposing and raising the spines all along its back, volatile chemicals reacting inside of it, causing the Creeper to rapidly bloat and hiss loudly. His Omni-hoof blocked some of the Creeper flak but Tellis still had several spines lodged inside of him, which he pulled out and dropped to the floor with a hollow clattering. Tellis really needed to eat, heal his wounds and all that. Too bad Creeper meat is completely inedible, but who would want to eat that thing? The only thing he could think of that was nastier were Withers. Those bastards were a huge, tiny head shooting, blood leeching, and impossibly strong cross between Cerberus, a snake, and a freaking tank. Once you tore it up enough, it would stop flying, raise its armor, and become invulnerable to arrows. And to make matters worse, it starts machine-gunning its debilitating leech things at you and anything around it! He’s only met with one of these things while exploring a cave that was right next to a jungle temple and it killed him within a minute! That boss mob made Silverfish seem like playful puppies in comparison.

Picking up the pipe wrench and having much vision much clearer now, Tellis made his way out of the engine room to get back to the pub and hopefully the others.

--._-=/’:|]|[|:’=-_.--

The Floatin’ Boat, Ten Minutes ago

“Hyeayh, DB…wait up!” argonianclaw called out for Death_By_Cupcake as he followed him out of the pub and went the opposite direction he was traveling in his drunken stupor.

“He’s really stupid,” With several bottles of empty Nightowl scattered around on the table he was at, Hive was properly drunk, and recording video. The bartender sure was generous, seeing as how she was a dispenser labeled ‘Mattie the booze machine’ with a sleeping villager in a chair next to her. The Squidward-esque humanoid wearing a white apron over a brown robe with his arms crossed had a pretty nice job. Do nothing and get paid in cold, hard emeralds for it.

A dull thud was heard from below them and the power went out, bathing the room in darkness. Luckily, they all had torches on them to set on the tables before emergency redpower was activated and a soft red glow mixed with the torchlight produced by the three heroes. Hive had drank so much Nightowl that his eyes would be glowing for hours, so he gave his torches to Locke and Yuri for them to use before pulling a fresh iron sword out from his pack that he’s been saving for an occasion like this. A zombie wearing an iron helmet stumbled into the room and snarled at the three humans and panicking Native dispensing Blaze Ale from Mattie and guzzling the strength-boosting potion down. As he grabbed the diamond blade from underneath the bar, a Silverfish jumped onto his head and began gnawing away at it.

“Get it off! Get it off!” the bartender screamed while the huge bug’s razor sharp pincers dug into his skull and a slash from Hive’s blade sliced the insect in two. He had saved the bartender’s life, who was pulling the Silverfish’s remains off his head, but the thing with Silverfish is, there’s never just one and while the others were busy dealing with the zombie by smashing wooden chairs over its head and using the broken pieces as impromptu wooden spears to finish it off, Hive searched around for any more bugs the size of corgis. There were ventilation shafts above them and a loud banging from it alerted Hive as to what was approaching them.  If it wasn’t Silverfish, he didn’t know what it was going to be.

Dozens of Wither heads spew out from the ventilation shaft and float towards their next victims. The floating super leeches weren’t that fast or strong, but they sure were terrifying.  The Testificate looked like he was having a seizure while Locke used the bartender’s sword to defend herself and the others from the onslaught of demonic creatures pouring in from above.

“Aw, crap! Why is Tellis…” Yuri stuck a smashed open Nightowl bottle into a Wither head floating towards him, “Never around when things hit the fan?!” Hive was putting the Zombie’s helmet on and clearing the doorway for an exit before he shouted to the others, “There’s just too many! We have to get out of here!”

“You don’t say?!” Locke shouted condescendingly at Hive before quickly sticking her sword into her universal sheath and picking up the motionless yet alive barman.

Yuri dispensed as much alcohol from Mattie as he could, stuffed the bottles into his pockets, gave her a hug, picked up a pointy stick broken off a chair, and left the pub following the others to the upper levels where Death had gone.

--._-=/’:|]|[|:’=-_.--

Tellis was slashing, bashing and smashing his way up to the command center where Death had a strong chance of being with a pipe wrench in his teeth and an iron sword off of a zombie in his metal hand. He was on his hind legs now, a bipedal walking expert from years of having nothing to do in Couldsdale as a colt. The only light was coming from small strips of redpower lights along the sides of the corridor’s floor. He had to step over a lot of debris and bodies before he reached an operational elevator. He called the lift, and as if it were somehow scripted, several zombies came out of the darkness aiming to crack his head wide open were dispatched by an adrenaline-fueled flurry of attacks. The wrench broke somehow, just shattered into little pieces as he swung his head at the last Zombie. Freaking iron… Turns out it wasn’t the most durable weapon in the world, but it was a freaking wrench!

He went up the elevator, and was almost to the command center now. But before he could reach it, an explosion from the floor above him caused the ceiling to cave in front of him. Beams of metal, some redstone lamp fragments, gravel, and other materials blocked Tellis from going straight to his objective. The only way there now was to backtrack down the stairs and find some way around the blockage.

There were more explosions, far off ones but rapid. Someone had set off a whole bunch of TNT on the ship! Tellis held onto the maintenance stairwell railing as the entire cruise liner started to turn on it’s side.

“Whoa-ah!” He exclaimed while dropping his sword down the central shaft, which came back up past him as the ship slowly but surely turned completely upside down, “That- did that just happen?! Goddesses I hate TNT!”

Dropping to now where the bottom of the stairs was the top, Tellis retrieved up his weapon as water from all directions knocked away the blocks of thin walls and creating debilitating waterfalls that were hard to swim up.

The ship was sinking rapidly, too rapidly. Tellis hated how things worked in this world and would trade his old life in an instant. He was tired of being hurt, tired of dying only to wake up moments later, feeling like he wasn’t ever in control of his actions. He was so tired of fighting all the time, tired of being set on fire all the time, tired of running everywhere, and just tired of all the insanity.

Back in reality, Michael was drinking a cola that he almost forgot he put in his bag, unaware of his avatar’s plight.

There was so much water everywhere, Tellis almost started to drown a couple times on his way to a different section of the ship. The torches in his pockets were soaked and useless in the dark, flooded corridors, but a destroyed storage crate leaking Nightowl into the water made the only visible light for Tellis to navigate by.  Why do people drink it if it freaking glows? The thickly colored golden drink  made the water look beautiful, but he really needed to move on before the water pressure at the bottom of the wharf crushed him like a bug. He swam some more and saw a bright light coming in from some kind of tunnel  blasted out through the floors of the ship out to the top deck.

He swam through the tunnel and came out the other end a short distance away and had a coughing fit. He thought that was going to throw up a lung full of water the way he felt. Death_By_Cupkacke was unconscious on a nearby stone brick wall.

Crawling to the barely conscious Muppet to try wake him up, Tellis realized that he was in an endgame stronghold! That bright light was a big pile of glowstone in a corner, so mystery solved. He got to his hooves and grabbed DBC by his suit and started to shake him. Who cares if he might have been injured or in shock or his neck was broken, Tellis needed backup.

“Bryan! Bryyann! Bryyn! Byrn! Byyyrrne!” Tellis started to shout at Death’s face, repeating ‘Bryan’ while his speech degraded into a single syllable.

“Wha- What?”

He prodded the suit wearing monster in the shoulder and asked, “You still got some more of that Fireball, man?”

“What I- you… oh! Yeah, you know I do,” He reached into his pockets and pulled out the long, slender bottle full of purple liquid that refused to blend with clear liquid yet swirled even when the bottle was completely motionless. DBC drank most his Fireball and gave the rest Tellis before standing up and filling his bottle with water from a nearby underground stream to wash the Fireball down with. Death gave his liver a surprise before following Tellis over to where the glowstone was. They broke off several pieces of the brittle, luminescent material from the Nether because their torches were soaked and useless. They pass through the abandoned camp set up by King Avery’s troops and pick up the Emestrian military-issue diamond plated steel armor reinforced with varying degrees of magical protections, all in pristine condition.

“Why is there enchanted diamond armor here?” DBC asked Tellis while putting on some Feather-Fall III Protection II boots, He’ll definitely need those where they’re going. Tellis used his sword to pry open a crate containing a chest, which confused him slightly. He got over it and took out the Efficiency III pick and the pair of Eyes of Ender out of the chest, pocketed the glowing endgame keys, and stuck the pick into his pack, where it shrank into a more manageable size.

“Must be the stuff they left behind, I mean, this crap’s heavy. I’m just glad that I’m able to rebuild this armor into something that’ll fit me,” Tellis answered Death.

“Are you wearing a helmet on your ass?”

“Technically, yes,” And two pairs of pants, another helmet on his head and a breast plate strapped to his chest.

“Dude, your armor rating must be through the roof!” Bryan said IRL to Michael when he saw how much diamond armor was on his avatar compared to his. But actually, argonianclaw’s stomach is exposed, so it’s pretty much the same amount.

Though he is slightly bigger than Death_By_Cupcake…

“Naw Bryan, it’s the MLP mod, remember? Makes you see my avatar with the pony model and armor and stuff, remember?”

“Oh yeah… That is so cool.”

Michael simply said, “Mods,” and held out his fist, which Bryan touched with his.

“Yeah mods!”

“Okay, back to ass kick-oh my god, Creeper,” Michael knocked the Creeper off the ledge into the ravine that cut through the stronghold, “God I hate 1.47!”

“I know, I literally looked away for just a second and there he was,” Bryan said as he retrieved some arrows from a barrel and an enchanted Power II Punch I Fire Aspect I bow from the chest next to it.

They cross the wood and string bridge crossing the chasm and connecting the two parts of the stronghold together. It was pretty straightforward from there, and they found the portal room real fast, and the bodies of Avery’s advance team inside. It seems they were such chumps that even with diamond super armor they were eviscerated by silverfish! Holes all over the room from where the giant bugs burst out from the walls, the still active portal and the mob spawner smashed to bits with a pickaxe.

Tellis turned to DBC and asked, “You ready?”

“I’m ready, buddy.”

“Alright, let’s do this.”

They leap into the portal. Not much is known what happened in there but the stories do say that whatever went down was fantastically spectacular.

It was raining experience orbs, the Endermen were cowering in fear, and they were one step closer to saving Emestris, “That was at the very absolute least… 20% cooler than BebopVox’s castle.”

“What? That was cool and everything, but Bebop has an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a rollercoaster, a nuclear reactor, and there was this statue of him fighting a cybernetic polar bear wielding a lightsaber!”

Michael pushed a lock of his messy dark brown mop of a haircut away from a hazel eye, which was poking him in it, and replied to his friend’s “You got me there.”

“ So who’s gonna take the dragon egg?”

“I dunno, rock, paper, scissors to decide who gets it?”

“Dude, my guy has hooves.”

Bryan said in his best trolling voice, “I know, right?”

“Why I ought to… no but seriously, best two out of three wins?”

Michael won the match, and was met by his friend’s big blue puppy eyes behind rimless glasses.

“Dude, I watch a show where all the characters look like that, ALL THE TIME. That has no effect on me whatsoever, besides, we’re gonna put it in the Nexus together when we get back.”

“That sounds like a plan, Stan”

“Uhh, Okay! Moving on…” Michael turned his gaze back towards his laptop and continued to move his avatar towards the exit portal, which was unfortunately on a hard to reach ledge.

Eventually they reach the portal, use a piston to knock the egg into an item they could pick up, and jump down into the exit. The two adventurers go through the deep experience that is the ending of Minecraft. No spoilers, don’t want to ruin any fun now, do I? But before Michael could use his avatar to place the proof of their conquest inside the safe confines of their magnificent castle, he paused his game and said, “Hey, you smell that? It smells like… oil?”

“I smell burnt toast, weird.”

“Not as weird as- what the buck is that!?” A large portal suddenly appears before the two friends. The portal illuminated the dim room, purple light mixing with red light reflected off of empty can of cola and other trash scattered about as purple lightning arced every which way, destroying Michael’s laptop and blowing massive gusts of wind, blowing all the boy’s not yet destroyed gear around while terrifying them to death. They scream at the top of their lungs as the vortex pulled them in to who knows where.

.o0{{I-<][-{[/%/]}-][>-I}}0o.

Ponyville Collective Knowledge District, 1007 CR.

Twilight Sparkle was stargazing with her new telescope she got as a gift from her friend Rarity. It was even bigger than her last one. It was so big, that she put the old on it as the secondary scope! She pulled away from the high-powered device to write something down on a piece of parchment paper with her quill, and as she turned back towards it, she saw a bright purple light in the sky! She could only wonder as to what it was, but only for a swift moment, for the light split into two parts, one significantly larger than the other, and shot off in two directions! The smaller bit was flying directly towards Twilight at amazing speed! She concentrated as hard as she could on slowing whatever it was down, but it wasn’t enough! Twilight turned right to shield herself from the incoming projectile, and to not gore whatever it was on her horn, if it was indeed alive! The object collided with Twilight knocking her down and into the library tower that she lived in, landing shortly inside.

A disoriented Twilight got back up, quickly trotted over to the familiar blue shape lying unconscious on the red carpeted library floor. It was Rainbow Dash! She looked a bit younger and her hair was slightly longer, and styled a bit differently. But it was her!  Same cutie mark and everything! Twilight shouted for Spike to come help her immediately.

A/N It IS a bit confusing having an alternate-alternate universe that branches from the New Ponyville City one, but what the hell.