Just What I'm Dying For...

by The Wandering Bard

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Sad, Original Character
Length: 4260

Two ponies... two stories... two ends that lead to two beginnings. When these ponies face the ends of their lives, they are forever altered in ways they never could have imagined.

Two ponies... two stories... two ends that lead to two beginnings.

When these ponies face the ends of their lives, they are forever altered in ways they never could have imagined.

This story elaborates on some things that took place in a Heroes of Equestria campaign and that can be found in Magical Melodies and Guardian Halo. They do not have to be read for this story to be understood and enjoyed.

Rated Teen for some mild language and for some blood spilled in battle, though it's fairly minor.

Cover art by Zen the Zebra/Mustikk1. The original can be found here.

Published 2015-05-06 05:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-20 03:26:07 UTC

Pan Handle

The icy winds stung his face as his cries echoed through the Frozen North. They were so close to their objective. So close... They were only a small band of adventurers, sent here on Princess Cadence's and Prince Shining Armor's request to explore the abandoned tower. But now their backs were against the tower as they squared off against the frozen beasts. Pan Handle was determined, but his face was grim. Their chances of making it out without injury were slim.

With a wild scream, the creatures charged into the ponies and Changeling in their midst. Pan Handle drew his sword while his friends pulled out their weapons, a motley combination of blades, axes and a lance. Claws and fangs met steel as the enemies clashed. Pan swung his sword about him, techniques he learned as a soldier quickly returning to him. He parried as a claw reached for him, swung his sword so that the thing's arm swung away as well, and kicked the creature in its chest. It fell backwards but another soon took its place.

Too many, there are too many... Pan thought even as he continued fighting. Now there were two upon him, the beast he had kicked down and the one that had charged him after, and there were others swirling around his comrades, too fast for him to count. What he did see were whirlwinds of ice as they surrounded all but the Unicorn stallion.

A beastly roar tore from his throat. He dove into the whirlwind, heedless of the cuts and scratches forming on his flank or the blood dripping down his coat. They would not harm his friends, the ones who had literally dragged him from the gutters of Canterlot, the ones who were helping him become something, something more than a washed up, drunken soldier once again. He kicked and tore at the whirlwind, sometimes striking a creature, sometimes missing entirely. Now he could see that his friends were also cut and bleeding, but still holding their own. Not only that, but they seemed to be beating back the icy beasts!

Pan raised his sword and gave a victory cry. His friends, drained from the battle but hopeful, joined him. One of the creatures he ran from gave chase while the other joined the whirlwind. Pan regrouped with his Pegasus friend, Grayscale.

Grayscale huffed and gave a lopsided grin. "Looks like we just might make it out of this one," he shouted to Pan over the din.

Pan chuckled and turned to Gray. "I've seen worse odds than thi-" He was cut off as claws raked into his back, flank, and stomach. The beast had struck while he was distracted. "Bucking hell..." Pan rasped as he grasped at the wounds on his front, trying to staunch the flow of blood.

Rule number one... Always keep your eye on your enemy, especially in combat. Captain Airborne would've skinned my hide for that one...

Pan coughed up blood as he tried to stand. Grayscale's face fell as he saw Pan's injuries, but his eyes hardened when he saw the beast coming around for a second attack. No doubt it wanted to finish the job. Gray slashed at the creature in front of him hard enough to break it into shards of ice, and he spun to skewer the one coming for Pan. It ducked at the last second, its attention now on the Pegasus before it.

Pan saw this. He saw all of it. He saw the cuts and bruises and blood on Gray. He saw his own blood pouring out of him, staining the snow below. He knew what his chances were. They were not good. Screwing his eyes shut, he yelled out, "Hey, what're you doing? We weren't done, you bastard!"

"Pan, what the-!?"

It was unclear if the thing had actually understood him, but its attention was drawn to the Unicorn once more. Its target locked in its sights, it charged. Pan raised his sword in a half-hearted defense, but then the creature let out an unholy scream as it was impaled on Grayscale's lance. Gray's breath heaved now as he struggled to finish it off. But in the scuffle, it slipped free and slashed once more at Pan Handle's chest. Pan gasped as it struck. The wound was deep, and he knew. His years in combat had shown him his fate. He was not leaving that tower alive.

He slumped onto his back. His eyes started to dim. Grayscale stabbed the beast until it too broke apart into crystals, then he dropped to his knees beside Pan and cried out for the others.

"Pan... just... just hang in there, Pan... I can- I can fix this!" With shaking hooves, he dug into his bags for his bandages and healing salves. When he produced them, Pan pushed them away.

"No, Gray, don't. I'm a lost cause. I'm done."

"No! Don't say that! You're not done! You're not..." Gray choked back tears.

The last clashes of the battle died away as the creatures were defeated at last, and he was surrounded by the others. Piney Shiney. Muck Raker. Copper Hoof. Bassbolt. And finally Vex. Their eyes were filled with tears when they saw him, but Pan's eyes filled with warmth as he took in Vex. Pan would've loved to have more time with Vex, the Changeling they'd taken under their hooves and who he'd fallen for, but it was not to be. Better then to make the most of what time he had left.

"Hey, Vex, sorry you gotta see me like this..." Pan's voice slurred as he spoke, and he coughed up more blood.

"Wh-what do you mean, Pan? You're gonna get better, right? Just like all the other times, right?" Vex's voice, though full of sorrow, still held onto a shred of hope.

Rather than answer him with the painful truth, Pan Handle just extended a trembling hoof. In it, he held a rusted old ring. "Hey, Vex, l-lemme ask you something..." It was getting harder to breathe.

Vex sniffled. "Yeah?"

Pan held the ring out and, with shaking limbs, slipped it into Vex's hooves. "Will you marry me?"

Tears fell openly from Vex's eyes now as he held the ring close and cried out, "Yes... yes! Of course I will, yes. Just don't go, Pan, just..."

But Pan never heard. He was gone.

~*~

There was a white Alicorn standing before him. Her benevolent gaze met his own perplexed one as he glanced about. "I thought I was dead," he muttered to himself.

"You are," the Alicorn replied. Her voice was calm. "I came to meet you, Pan Handle."

"Meet me? What for? And who are you, anyway? How do you know my name?"

She gave a little laugh as she heard all of his questions. "I am Halo. I know who you are because of this," and she pointed to her horn. "My magic lets me see into your soul, so to speak, and know who you ponies are that come before me. But it took a long time to master that spell, let me tell you." She laughed again, and Pan gazed at this strange being before him.

"Okay, but that still doesn't tell me why you're here."

She became serious once more. "I'm here to guide you to your rest, Pan. I will help your soul be at peace."

He let out an audible sigh. "Can you really do that? Because that's all I want right now..."

"I can, and I will."

Her magic surrounded them both in an aura of light. Pan let a single tear fall as he felt himself be lifted up into it, and then he saw a lush green field where ponies of all kinds and ages ran and played. He smiled as he felt the warmth of the light there falling onto his coat, healing his wounds, and he heard the laughter of the ponies around him. He then looked to Halo, a question in his eyes. She nodded.

"Yes, Pan, we're here. Now, be at peace."

He fell back into the grass, closed his eyes and let himself fade away...

...And then he heard an electrical crackle and a furious whinny. His eyes flew open and he caught glimpses of wings unfurling, a spell of a sickly green hue being hurled at Halo, her dodging just in time. She screamed, "You will not have him!" She tried to envelop him in her magic once more, to bring him back to his rest, but he was being wrenched from her grasp.

She cried out once more in desperation as he cried out in pain. His soul was being torn apart as the two sides fought for control. It was too much. And then another spell hit its mark. Halo lost her grip and could not regain it. Pan was slipping away, even as her magic reached for him...

~*~

His eyes flew open and he found that he was laying in a forest. Stars were just appearing and twilight was falling fast. A stone rose out of the ground at his head, and the stallion shivered despite the heavy cloak he was adorned in.

What's that thing doing here? he wondered. Is this some kind of sick joke? And how did I even get here? He looked around and pulled himself out of the shallow hole, then examined the stone closer. The name carved into it meant nothing to him. He gazed impassively at all of the headstones around him before coming to a realization.

What... what is my name? He spun around and around now. This place was not familiar to him. Nothing was familiar to him. Where am I? And how did I even get here!? Try as he might, he could not recall a thing.

The stallion started to panic, started to hyperventilate, or at least he would have had he needed to breathe. This only served to panic him more, but he forced himself to be calm with a resolve that he did not know he had. Okay, so you don't know your name, where you are, or what happened to you. What do you have, soldier? Soldier? Why did he even call himself that? He shook his head. It didn't matter now. What did matter was figuring out what the hell he was supposed to do with no name or anything else to call his own beyond a cloak and a sword belted around his waist.

It was then that he saw something fluttering about on the ground. He stomped on it before it could get away, then levitated it up to his eye height with his magic. There was just enough light to see. He saw it was an envelope. Scratched on the front of it in a messy scrawl were two words.

Pan Handle

The stallion stared at those words.

Pan Handle... Is that me? Is that who I'm supposed to be?

Desperate to know more, he tore into the envelope and pulled out the parchment inside.

Meet me in the Trottingham cathedral tonight. You will see it from where you are. Be sure to wear the cloak and not to expose yourself to sunlight. Come alone.

"That's it!?" he screamed. "That doesn't tell me anything!" He threw the note to the ground.

It was then that something caught his ear. The sounds of a battle. Now how did he know that? He grimaced. There was no time to ask himself this. Somepony might need his help!

The stallion dashed off in the direction of those cries, already levitating the sword out of its scabbard. He crashed out of the trees and into a clearing where he found a group of ponies fending off a small swarm of undead. The scene played out before his eyes, and the first inkling of a thought came into his mind.

He was in the Frozen North. He was fighting side by side with the Pegasus, Grayscale. They were battered, but they were winning...

That was all he saw, and all he needed. Without a second thought, the stallion dove into the fray, once again taking his place by the Pegasus' side. The Pegasus was surprised, but readily accepted the help once he took up his sword and hacked at the undead creatures. Spells flew around them, striking the undead as the two fought the unearthly beasts. Finally, with a last cry, a Unicorn mare blasted the beasts apart. Before they could rise once more, she lit them on fire. An unearthly scream emanated from them, and then they were no more.

The Pegasus, heaving and sweating, turned to the stallion. "Thanks for the assist," he said. "That was some good timing and skill right there." He held out a hoof to shake. "I'm Grayscale. Who're you?"

Rather than take the proferred hoof, the stallion threw his arms around Grayscale and pulled him into a hug. He felt wet tears drip down his cheeks.

"Whoa, hey there..." Grayscale gave a nervous chuckle and patted the stallion on the back.

When he pulled away, he lowered his hood. The Pegasus and other ponies gasped, gazed at him in awe, or some combination of the two. They soon recovered and threw their arms around Pan, cheering, laughing, crying, or just shouting his name. All but the Unicorn mare. She pointed her blade straight at his heart.

"Get away from him!" she shouted.

Everypony looked to her, confused. "But, Starchaser, this is Pan," Bassbolt said. "You know Pan, right? The one we were telling you about?"

"He may have been Pan Handle once, but not anymore. He's a vampire now! He's nothing but a cold-blooded killer. Now stand aside!" Her horn and the blade she held in her spell started to glow with the intensity of the sun.

Pan Handle jumped at her words. He was a vampire? How? That wasn't right, it couldn't have been! But vampire or no, he knew one thing for sure. "I'm not a killer!" Pan screamed, desperate to have Chase hear him, to get through to her. His life depended on his words. "I haven't done anything! I woke up like this just a little while ago! I haven't killed anypony, and I won't do it!"

Starchaser's gaze narrowed onto him, then it turned into something other than hate. Sorrow? Regret? It was hard to tell. "That's what they all say at first, but eventually the hunger takes over and you won't be able to control yourself. I can't let that happen. My Order won't allow it." Her magical grip on her weapon faltered, but only for a moment.

"I'm sorry. I know this wasn't your fault, but I can't let you live. I can't let you become a monster!" She reared back, ready to strike, when Grayscale intervened, jumping in the path of the blade. "Grayscale, what are you doing? Move!"

"I won't. This is Pan. PAN! He wouldn't hurt anypony, right?"

Pan could only nod vigorously, too frightened to speak.

Starchaser let out a sad, weary sigh. "You don't know what you're doing..."

"I'll watch out for him, Chase. I promise."

Her shoulders slumped. She gazed into Grayscale's eyes. To Pan, her own showed some internal struggle. "You know what you're asking me to do, right? This goes against everything I've trained for."

Gray nodded. "I know. But I also know you're not a killer either. Not until you have to be."

Her sword floated back into its scabbard and her magic dissipated. "Only for you, Grayscale. After all, you and the others knew him better than anypony. But if he tries anything, anything, I'll have no choice." She trotted down a narrow dirt path towards what appeared to be a town. The others waited for a moment, staring between the warrior and their old friend, clearly conflicted, and started to follow. Pan hesitated. Grayscale turned back to him.

"Hey, Pan, you coming?" Grayscale seemed to fidget, rubbing a hoof against his foreleg. Pan looked amongst his friends. Nopony seemed to want to meet his eyes. He licked his lips, now feeling the fangs that protruded from them. Some of the ponies flinched. Pan gazed at them again.

"C'mon, guys, you know I wouldn't hurt you, right? You're my friends..."

"Yeah, of course we know that," Bassbolt said, but there wasn't much conviction in his voice. Or was Pan just imagining all of this?

Nopony else said a word, so Pan started walking, his head down. His friends followed. Pan's thoughts were racing. How can I be a vampire? Was I always this way? I don't think so... And my friends... He looked to them once more. Were they keeping a distance from him? Were they afraid of him? With a sad shake of his head, Pan pushed these thoughts from his mind. It was all too much to take in at one time.

It was then that he remembered the note. Meet me in the Trottingham cathedral tonight, it had said. He searched all around him until he saw what appeared to be the top of a stone spire a short distance away.

"Hey, guys, I'll catch up! There's something I gotta do first." He took off, his friends shouting confusedly after him, but he was too fast for them, eerily so. He had covered the distance to the cathedral steps in no time at all. He stopped before the large wooden doors, afraid of what he might find inside.

But I need answers! He pushed the doors open and stepped into the stone structure.

Another Unicorn mare was there. She was facing away from him, towards the nave. Without turning, she said, "I was beginning to wonder if you would come."

"Who are you? Why did you do this to me!?"

"Getting right to the point I see." Here she spun around and threw something at Pan's hooves. He scrambled backwards, but when all he heard was a 'plop' on the stone floor, he bent down to see a vial and some packets that looked to be...

"No! No way! I am not drinking blood!" Pan reared back as he spoke. "I will not turn into a monster!"

"Calm down, it's not real blood," the mare told him. "It's just something to tide you over when the hunger sets in."

Pan scrutinized her. "How can I trust you? You turned me into... into this!"

"Yes, I did. Because I need you."

He scoffed. "Need me? For what? And what happens when I run out of these?" he said, picking up a packet.

She pointed to the vial. "You saw that Unicorn mare, Starchaser. I need some of her blood, and it needs to look like an accident. I don't need much, and you don't have to kill her. Just bring me enough to fill that vial. And should you empty all of those packets, well, that would be an opportune moment to get her blood for me, don't you think?"

Her smile gave him chills. Pan looked from her to the vial in his hoof, unable to meet her gaze any longer. It'd be best to think on that later...

"I still don't get it," he said out loud. "Why me? And if I do bring you some of her blood, what do I get out of this?"

"I've already given you eternal life. What more could you possibly want?"

"But I didn't want this!" he cried. "I'd never want this!" He pointed to his fangs as he spoke.

She smirked. "So you say, but what if you really did?"

Her words made him freeze. She knew he had almost no recollection of his previous life. What if he had made this choice? But then his head ached, and another vision came to him...

An Alicorn of white came to greet him. She took him away to a peaceful land, and he remembered the feeling of being home...

He groaned and clutched at his head. Her voice broke him out of his reverie. "Just fill that vial, Pan Handle."

Despite the throbbing headache he was feeling, he shouted, "Hey, I still need answers here!" Before he could ask her anything else, a green hue surrounded her and she teleported away. Pan couldn't help but notice that his most important question had gone unanswered.

"...But why me?"

~*~

Pan half-heartedly searched the area around the cathedral for the mare, but he found no trace. He wasn't even sure that he'd wanted to find her, or what more he'd be able to get from her had he done so. After that, it didn't take long for Pan to return to the center of town. Seeing only one inn, he went inside and, keeping his hood tightly drawn around his head, asked for Grayscale's room number. Fortunately, Grayscale had told the innkeeper that he might have a guest soon, so he had no trouble getting into the room.

Once inside, he trotted over to the bed and flopped down upon it with an audible sigh. It had been the longest few hours of his life, or his afterlife as it were, and he could not make hooves or tails of all that had taken place. Perhaps some sleep would help him clear these troubled thoughts...

But the next morning brought only an insatiable hunger. His whole body shook, and he was slowly slipping into a rage. Thinking quickly, he grabbed one of the packets the Unicorn had given him, tore it open, and drank deeply. The shaking stopped and his mind calmed. Pan gazed upon the packet left over in his hoof and thought, This is what I'm reduced to? Can I really live like this? And for how long? He would have cried, but he was too weary.

It was then that he noticed that Grayscale was gone. A note was left on the desk in his place. Pan groaned. I'd be happy not seeing another note for a while, he thought to himself, but he'd dropped the empty packet and picked it up anyway. The note told Pan that there were rumors of more undead plaguing the townsponies, and that he and the others had gone out to investigate. Grayscale also apologized for leaving Pan behind and explained that he had tried to awaken Pan, but Pan refused to get up. He could believe it with the way he was feeling now.

He stretched, and he felt and heard several joints pop. Feeling a bit better, he opened the door and started to make his way downstairs, only to be met by Starchaser.

"Where did you go last night?"

"Well hello to you, too," came his sarcastic reply.

"I'm serious. The others all told me you just ran off, saying you had something you needed to do. So what was it?" If looks could kill, he would have had a stake driven through his heart.

"Look, it's nothing, alright? I just needed to get some fresh air."

"Mm-hm." She glared at him. "I agreed to spare your life, going against every instinct I have. If you were going to try and convince me of that, maybe you should have wiped the blood off of your lips first." Already she was drawing her weapon.

With surprising calm, Pan put his hoof into his cloak pocket and pulled out the packets he had been given. He made sure that the vial stayed hidden. Starchaser stared at them.

"Where did you get these?"

Thinking fast, Pan told her, "They were in there when I woke up in that grave. I don't know who gave them to me, but I drank one this morning. That's the 'blood' you're seeing."

Starchaser stood. "Wait right there," she commanded him as she trotted up the stairs to check his room.

He felt compelled to ignore the mare and go looking for his friends when they all trotted in through the door, and he hastily wiped and licked his muzzle clean. Despite the serious nature of their investigation, they were laughing and chatting with another new pony in their midst. He saw that she was an Earth pony with a tan coat colored like parchment, and a grass green mane and tail with a darker, forest green streak in each. She, like him, wore a cloak, but she had her hood down, so there was no possibility that she could also be a vampire. He saw that she carried some sort of instrument on her back as she turned to face the group.

It was then that Starchaser returned, carrying the packet he'd drained in her hoof. "Alright, Handle, this part of your story checks out. But I'm still going to keep a close eye on you."

At that, the Earth pony's ear perked up. "Handle?" She spun around to him. "Does she mean the Pan Handle?" She looked up at Gray.

Grayscale nodded. "Yup, that's him. Trust me, we were just as shocked as you, but here he is!"

Her eyes met his. "I've heard so many stories about you..." The Earth pony continued to stare at him, and Pan waited for her reaction. What would she do? Would she show fear like the others? Or would she become angry like Chase? Then she did the last thing Pan ever expected her to do.

She broke out into a smile.

"Hello, Pan Handle," she greeted him, holding out a hoof. "I'm Lyric, and it's so wonderful to meet you at last."

END PAN HANDLE

Lyric

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