The Curious Case of Blue Fast

by lunabrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Original Character, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 3318

When Rainbow Dash appears to have become a zombie, Twilight Sparkle must prove once and for all that all her friends are crazy. But she already knew that. After all, zombies don't really exist. Right?

Just another normal day in Ponyville. Sun shining, check. Birds twittering, check. Rainbow Dash a zombie, che- wait, what?

When Rainbow Dash appears to have become a zombie, Twilight Sparkle must prove once and for all that all her friends are crazy. But she already knew that.

After all, zombies don't really exist. Right?

Published 2015-05-06 18:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-22 18:33:16 UTC

Patient Zero 2.0 - Part One

Cheerilee's class had let out over an hour ago, and the students had wildly dispersed with their usual cries of rebellious freedom. Cheerilee herself had graded a few papers, and then left half an hour after that. The only student still remaining was Neat Freak, a very timid young colt who typically sat in the back of the room and would often go, as far as Cheerilee knew, as long as a week without uttering a single word. He turned all his assignments in on time, but never participated in group events.

The reason that Neat Freak had stayed so late was his customary tradition of making sure that all the desks were completely straight. He'd set them at all at right angles, the front legs of the desks sitting perfectly upon little X's that he'd placed on the floor with tape. Then he'd use a level to ensure they were in fact all aligned, and if he had to move so much as one of them, that required starting all over and measuring them again. He did this mostly to avoid going home, so he didn't have to listen to his parents fighting like they usually did.

By the time all the desks were properly aligned, it was nearly dinner time, and he finally left the schoolhouse. The door swung shut behind him and latched from the inside on its own, until such time that Cheerilee would return in the morning and unlock it. She knew about his quirky little habit, and allowed him to stay as late as he wanted. She didn't know how things were at home, and he had no intention of telling her.

Neat sighed contentedly to himself, and shuffled along the small dirt path leading from the schoolhouse into town, which eventually evolved into well groomed grass instead of the unheard of concept of asphalt. It was late afternoon, almost evening, but despite this he was in no hurry to get home. No hurry to get anywhere, really. The young colt was just passing by the bakery when his large ears perked at an uncomfortably foreign noise.

Gruuuuhhh...

He froze. He'd been in the process of counting how many steps it took to get from the schoolhouse, do a complete lap around town, then towards home. He was currently somewhere in the late 200's region, lost count, and debated going back to the schoolhouse to start over. "Hello?" he squeaked timidly. Somepony was there, he was certain of it. He was at a disadvantage here, he didn't have wings OR magic to aid him.

He stood there for a moment, unsure of what exactly to do, and his decision was made for him. Around the corner shuffled a groaning mare, and not just any mare at that, but one that any decent resident of Ponyville would recognize instantly. That light blue pelt was a dead giveaway, the multicolored prism of a mane unmistakable.

"Rainbow Dash?" he asked quietly. It was more words than he'd spoken in school all week. "Is that you?"

Gruuuhhh...

As Rainbow Dash shuffled forward on limp legs, his heart sank into his chest. Her eyes, while fixed on him, were dull and glassy. Her coat was pale, and she was moving more slowly than he'd ever seen her move in his life. Heck, he and a couple friends had one time watched this really adult movie about this stallion who'd been poisoned or something, and he had to run around to keep his adrenaline up because he'd die if he stopped running. He figured Rainbow Dash had some sort of condition like that.

Most importantly and worst of all, there was what very strongly appeared to be blood trickling down the corners of her mouth on both sides, matting the fur around her chin and neck.

Neat Freak didn't stay around to ask any questions. He booked it, running faster and harder than he'd ever run in his life. He ran for Golden Oak library, pounding his front hooves on the door like a colt who'd just witnessed a murder in the street.

"TWILIGHT!" He screamed. He looked behind him. Rainbow Dash, though slow and staggering, was just coming around the far corner, following the same path. He didn't wait for anypony to open the door, he wrenched it open and flung himself inside, closing the door and locking it, panting heavily. He stood there for a few moments to catch his breath, before hearing faint music upstairs.

The Library itself was mostly on the first floor, with residential services upstairs that were typically off limits to the public. But he slowly trotted up the stairs anyway, feeling like an invader. "Twilight?" he called weakly.

There was the faint click as a door opened, and a very young dragon appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Can I help you?" the dragon asked, cheerfully. He didn't seem concerned that Neat Freak was on the stairs, but didn't appear to want to let him pass, either.

"Need Twilight... emergency..." Neat panted. "Rainbow Dash..."

"What?!" Spike's eyes widened. "Oh, man, come on, she's in the middle of her relaxing time. I'm not supposed to bother her, but this sounds big. You're really sure it was Rainbow Dash? Is Rarity okay?!" he wrung his claws nervously.

"Yes... and I don't know," Neat said slowly. The pair went up to the second floor, and down the hallway to the room on the end. The music grew louder from behind the door, and Spike knocked.

"Twilight?" he called, and slowly creaked the door open.

I like big books and I cannot lie

You other ponies can't deny

When a mare walks in with an itty bitty spine

That can't compare to mine

I like WORDS

Written on that page!

Gonna read them all damn day!

I got hooked, got a lust for learnin'

Gotta keep those pages turnin'

Oh-*

Twilight, who had been dancing in such a jagged, distorted fashion that Spike wasn't sure if she was having fun or a seizure, turned around at this point and shrieked. She bumped against the table with the record player on it and the needle skipped and scratched, sending the entire record out of whack and the player gave a comically exasperated sound before falling completely silent, the record still turning soundlessly.

"Spike!" Twilight scolded, her face was beet red. "This better be good!" Spike, who didn't actually yet know what the problem was, slowly turned and looked at Neat Freak, who was almost as red as Twilight was.

"Rainbow Dash is in trouble," he said slowly, and Twilight immediately looked serious.

"What? Where?!"

"Outside... I saw... she's... I think she's a zombie, Twilight." He saw the look on her face and immediately pressed forward. "I know! I know how it sounds, but it looks really bad, I swear!" Spike was faceclawing.

"There is NO such thing as zombies," Twilight insisted, getting her nerve back. "I taught that lesson to Spike last year, and I'm going to teach it to you now. Come on." She composed herself, and marched right down the stairs, with Spike and Neat Freak following. Twilight, without a moments hesitation, flung open the front door.

Author's Note

This story won't be all THAT long but the more I think about it the longer it keeps getting...

Also

*

Patient Zero 2.0 - Part Two

While Neat Freak was busy explaining the situation to Twilight Sparkle and Spike, on the other side of town, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie were exchanging pleasantries. Neither of them had any idea of the drama that they were about to be pulled into. They had even less of an idea that Rainbow Dash had presumably been zombified, and was wandering around Ponyville, drooling.

"And I have a party tonight, and I just don't have any good songs!" Pinkie was exclaiming. "I've used all my good ones, this is the fifth year in a row that I've been hired to cater little Raging Rapid's birthday, although he's not so little anymore. And I'm flattered, but he KNOWS all my good songs already, can I borrow one of yours?" She was asking.

"Oh, of course," Fluttershy said, beaming. "Most of the songs I know are orchestral and don't have any words, but there is one I still remember from school. It'll keep him busy for hours, I promise!"

"Tell me, tell me, tell me!" Pinkie bounced.

"Oh, alright," she said, and thought a moment.

"This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend...

Somepony started singing it not knowing what it was,

Now they're forever singing it just because

"This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend...

Somepony started singing it not knowing what it was,

Now they're forever singing it just because this is the-"

There was a sudden noise that interrupted her, which could only be described as a sudden BAMF sound, and Twilight Sparkle appeared in the middle of the room. Fluttershy shrieked, her words cut off, stumbled backwards, and tripped over a flowerpot. Pinkie didn't even so much as flinch.

"Fluttershy!" Twilight exclaimed.

"Twilight!" Fluttershy exclaimed.

"Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie chimed in.

Twilight gave Pinkie a customary smile and wave, but her attention was on Fluttershy now. "You know some basic medical procedures for taking care of your animals, right? I have an animal emergency. Can you come? Now?"

Fluttershy gasped. "Oh, of course!" she said. "Pinkie, I'm so sorry, I have to take this. Will you be alright to find your own way out? I promise I'll make it up to you."

"Okie dokie loki!" The party pony smiled cheerfully, and dove out the window instead of taking the front door. "Whee!"

Twilight wrapped her foreleg around Fluttershy and there was that BAMF noise again, as Fluttershy suddenly found herself reeling with nausea, standing outside the Library.

"I didn't want to say anything in front of Pinkie, but we might have a zombie problem," Twilight said in a low whisper. "We need to take care of this before panic spreads."

"You mean like when Spike thought you were a zombie?" Fluttershy asked, her head slowly clearing.

"That was different! It looks really bad this time!" She directed Shy's attention towards where Rainbow Dash was shuffling drunkenly down the street, her gaze distant and glassy. The normally vocal pegasus was drooling heavily, and making low groaning noises tha weren't anywhere close to actual words. Neat Freak and Spike stood framed carefully in the doorway of the Library.

Fluttershy gulped loudly. "I'll see what I can do," she said bravely, and took a step forward, with Twilight right behind her in case anything went wrong.

"Dashie?" Fluttershy asked quietly.

There was no response, but the pegasus slowly turned her attention on Fluttershy instead, her eyes slowly blinking with stupidity.

"Is that... blood?" Fluttershy asked in a low squeak, gesturing to the faint spatter across the mare's muzzle.

"Yes," Twilight said. "I ran a quick analysis spell. But it's Dash's, my guess is she ran into a door or something and got a nosebleed. Nothing serious, comparatively, so it's not like she tried to hurt anyone," she said quickly. Fluttershy slowly approached, and Rainbow Dash just shambled past her as if she wasn't there. Not violent, just... impassive.

"Gruuuhhh," Rainbow moaned.

"How did this happen?"

"I don't know," Twilight said. "Neat Freak found her wandering the streets and brought it to my attention. Good thing, too. She doesn't seem dangerous, but she also doesn't seem to know where she is. If she'd gotten lost, she might never have found her way back.

"Do you know for sure she's a zombie?"

"Well she looks like-"

"Look, nothing!" Fluttershy said, and stomped her foreleg lightly. "Did you check her heartbeat? Is she... you know." She couldn't bring herself to say it. "Not... alive?"

Twilight looked stunned, and smacked her forehead with her own foreleg. "Of course!" She said. "It's so obvious, I should have done that in the first place!"

"It's alright, Twilight. You were upset. Sometimes I scream when I get upset, it makes things better." She wrinkled her nose, and squeaked in a barely audible whisper. "Ahhhhhhhhh." She smiled. "See?"

Twilight stepped forward, and her horn lit up with activity. A bright red, straight line appeared over Rainbow's head, and they all gazed at it expectantly for what seemed like an eternity, but was actually only a few seconds. After a moment, it began to quiver and pulse with spikes. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"She's alive," Twilight said. "Not a zombie. At least, if she is one, she's not an undead zombie. But that still doesn't explain what in the world is wrong with her. We're going to have to make sure she doesn't go wandering until we figure this out. Fluttershy, can we lock her in your shed if we need to?"

Fluttershy stiffened. "Nopony is allowed in my shed, Twilight." This was spoken with such a fierce tone of absolute non-negotiation that Twilight jumped a little.

They all stared at her.

"I keep my rattlesnakes in there," Fluttershy continued quickly. "They have to be separated so nopony gets hurt. What if they bit someone? That'd be just awful. They can't help being venomous, and they deserve my help just like any other animal."

There was a general muttering of agreement, and Twilight summoned a long rope from midair. This was fashioned into a crude leash, one loop tossed around Rainbow's head, and the other held by Twilight as they led their friend out of the street. As it turned out, Rainbow Dash did not appear to want to hurt them, and in fact the only injury that day was attributed to Scootaloo who was rocketing past on her scooter at that moment.

She saw Rainbow Dash being led off the street by a leash. Turning her head to get a better look at this ridiculous scene, she forgot to watch where she was going, crashed into a tree, and sprained her wing.

Patient Zero 2.0 - The Final Part

Fluttershy and Twilight led Rainbow Dash down the middle of the street by a magically enchanted piece of rope, the rope coiled around the neck of the supposedly zombified pegasus like a makeshift leash. Neat Freak and Spike remained behind, as Neat Freak had to get home soon before dinner got cold. This was an extensive process, as he counted every street lamp on his way home, and if the last lamp before his house turned out to be an odd number, then he had to circle all the way around town again until he came up with an even number.

"Make sure you fill me on on everything, Twilight!" Spike called, and Twilight promised she would. They were taking the pegasus over to Fluttershy's shed, all jokes aside, and Fluttershy was just running ahead to clear the building out of snakes, when the voice came.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait!"

All three of them stopped, momentarily dumbstruck, and looked around stupidly for a moment before fixating on the origin of the face. A young mare whom they had seen around town several times but never actually spoken to was galloping towards him with all the speed of a wild, unbroken animal, raising up an enormous cloud of dust behind her. Her color scheme was a soothingly complimentary mix of blue and white, and she was completely out of breath by the time she reached the trio.

"I...stop..." she panted, chest heaving.

Twilight frowned a moment. She slightly recognized the face, but couldn't place her right away. "Hey, wait a moment," she said slowly. "Aren't you..."

"I am Colgate," the mare said, gradually getting her breath back. "Ponyville dentist. Miss Rainbow Dash is... was... is?..." she sounded unsure. "My most recent patient. Unfortunately she has an enormous phobia of dentists, and managed to escape."

"Escape?" Twilight asked.

"Rainbow Dash is scared of the dentist? But she's always told me she's not scared of anything," Fluttershy said. She sounded a bit hurt, and her ears were folded back. "I can't believe she'd lie to me like that..."

"Everypony is scared of something," Colgate said. "But Rainbow Dash is a special case. I had to make an appointment with her because she had two cavities. Not surpisingly, really. Do you have any idea how high the sugar content is in sweet cider? It's astronomical. I've been trying to get a more healthy and natural cider manufactured, but no dice," she sighed.

Twilight still looked stunned. "I'm afraid I'm still a bit confused," she said. "What is wrong with her? She's... slow," she said this last bit as if it was about as commonplace as zebra rap battles.

"Miss Dash was given the usual dose of sedative in the chair," Colgate explained. "She resisted. I gave her a second dose, which should have been enough to knock out an Ursa Minor. She STILL resisted, only now in a semi delirious state. I've never seen anything like it. She spat out the protective mouthguard I'd given her and wound up biting her own tongue by accident."

"That explains the blood," Fluttershy said, and winced.

"Now, the sedative isn't dangeous, but it is powerful, and I've never had to give a double dose before, let alone three. She finally settled down after the third one, and when I went to get my tools, she wandered right out the door," Colgate said. "I've... never seen any resistance like this in my entire career. She really, REALLY hates the dentist. Will you help me get her back in the chair before she wakes up? Three doses should put her out of it for a week, which by my calculations gives us about an hour."

"Of course," Twilight and Fluttershy agreed. The absurdity of this situation had not escaped them, but it also made an odd sort of sense as well. And there was Rainbow Dash's fear of the dentist secret to be considered too. They were never going to let her live this down.

"Bring her to my office," Colgate said. "And put her in... the comfy chair!"

"Not the comfy chair!" Fluttershy squeaked.

"All done!" Colgate announced two hours later. Even with Rainbow Dash given three doses of sedative, STILL she seemed to know she was in the chair, and squirmed just enough that Twilight and Fluttershy had to stand on either side of her, holding her down while the dentist finished her work.

"Gruuuhhh," Dash protested, squirming uselessly.

"There," Colgate gasped at last, and set down her primitive tools. "It's over. It's done. Finally." She wiped sweat from her forehead with a towel. "Rainbow Dash will be fully awake by tomorrow, though she'll probably have a nasty headache. She'll be alright after that. But if she keeps drinking all that cider, she WILL be back in this chair," she warned. "Guarantee it."

Twilight sighed. "Thank you for all your help," she said. "And even though we were more hesitant to jump to conclusions this time, I'm really glad there's still no such thing as zombies."

"Me too," Fluttershy agreed. "Still, I can't help feeling like we're forgetting something..."

Across town, Pinkie Pie stood in the backyard of a young colt named Raging Rapids. The colt and his family for him she'd thrown the birthday party had long since gone inside for cake and presents, leaving Pinkie by herself for the last twenty minutes, standing outside crying to herself with hopeless tears streaming down her face.

"This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend...

Somepony started singing it not knowing what it was,

Now they're forever singing it just because

SOMEPONY MAKE IT STOP!" she screamed hysterically, and the song continued again.