Sometimes is Sometimes

by Argembarger

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Other, Princess Luna, Flim and Flam, Princess Celestia, Sex, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4631

A Forever Is Forever authorized pony fanfiction fair-use parody

Once upon a time, I wrote a fanfiction--and this is that one.

Published 2012-05-15 21:14:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-15 21:14:02 UTC

Never is Never

Author's Noodle: This is a parody work of parody. The original work is Forever is Forever, by Fon Shaolin, and can be found here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1154/Forever-is-Forever (It is a sad fanfiction, and whatnot, so don't read if you don't like sad)

It is his/her intellectual property and this is nothing but a fair-use parody (I think) but good luck suckas, I'm behind like forty-seven proxies.

Also, this was written on Oct. 26, 2011.

And now, on with the show?

It was the first time in at least a year that the Summer Sun Festival had taken place at Canterlot. The entire castle town was alive with activity; ponies were taking to the streets in droves, moshing to sick beats and generally having a phat-dope time while some other ponies labored away getting things ready for the real party that was about to begin. The castle was covered in rainbow paint, which some thought was a rather garish choice. Also, there was a zeppelin. A pony zeppelin! A zeppelin, with ponies in it. You can pretty much stop reading now if you want, as your mind should be thoroughly blown by now. Who was the captain of the pony zeppelin? What was his/her story? What kinds of things has s/he experienced? It doesn't matter, because we're talking about rainbow castles now. I guess you just missed out on the literal zeppelin fanfiction of a lifetime.

Then a young filly started plowing through ponies with great force. "Look at all the balloons, Ma!" she shouted, running around the platform under the hooves of the moshing ponies. It's amazing that she didn't get squished.

A middle-aged pony ran out of the ZEPPELIN after this other little pony and somehow managed to catch her before anypony died. "That's nice Apple Papple, but come over here with your grandma before I bite you in the throat."

The little pony struggled to get away from her mother. "No way! I need an adult! Help! Anypony!" Finally, after more squirming, the adult earth pony grabbed Apple Pouble by her throat with her teeth and dragged her to the grandma pony.

She set the filly down and bent down low. "Now you see here, Missy. I friggin' warned you. I said I would bite you in the throat, and that's what happened. Now you know momma don't mess around. If Granny could hear you causing a ruckus, she'd... I don't know, probably just yell at you because she's too old to physically stop you, but still. Do you want Granny to yell at you? It's worse than being bit in the throat, I assume."

"I'm just fine stayin' by myself, Apple Dish! You're the one being disrespectful and i-n-sin-u-a-t-unaplo-wyckz that I can't take care of myself for a day!"

It was always funny how Grannyjack could be so blissfully senile. Apple Dosh looked at her like a rabbit would look like a senile carrot that started talking to her funny. The blond pony flinched as her mother finally caught up after like an hour of trotting. Sheepishly, she turned around to face the Apple matriarch.

Applejack, her mane snow-white and hanging down to her hooves in a nice tight dreadlocks, cloppfffffff wow okay. Sorry, let me try that again. She clopped over to her family. Um.

Applejack "clopped" over to her family and she gave them a look that was in her eyes that just promised that you were going to have to listen to her be really elderly for like an hour, so Apple Pepe gained some smarts and hid behind her mother, who was used to dealing with The Old.

"Now, Ma, we're in Canterlot. This is Canterlot, okay?"

"I know where we are! Don't patronize me. I know when somepony is sayin' I'm losin' it!" She raised her hoof to give her daughter the most glorious and well-deserved of beatdowns, but thought better of it and just smacked her around a little bit. Gotta keep that pimp-hoof strong, after all. Applejack turned walked past the mother/daughter pair and stubbornly looked out at the clouds hanging stubbornly in the sky behind the ZEPPELIN!!. "I wanted ta come. Nopony is going to tell me what to do."

Apple Doorbell sighed. "Is this about what the doctor said? You're almost seventy! I know some great... Listen, I brought some brochures. These places are really nice. They're like full-time resorts! You won't have to do anything anymore, other ponies will take care of it all fo--"

"Balderdash."

There was just no helping it when the old pony got like that. No matter how much they begged and pleaded with her, she just refused to go to a retirement home. Apple Doop was sick of all the old pony smell. Applejack would do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, and she couldn't be proved insane in a court of law. Even getting her to just visit a nursing home was impossible, and Apple Duck had even played dirty by saying that it was a rodeo.

Jack's daughter moved up to her and nudged The Old. "It won't be that bad, will it? Nursing homes sound fun! And we can take care of the farm. All your friends will help! You know, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Princess Twilight and that blue one. They're better at harvesting apples than you were, anyway. They have flying, and magic powers! What do you have? Old?"

A snort. Applejack just shifted around so she could look at the clouds better.

"Maybe not the blue one, then?" That got Applejack's attention, but not the kind Apple Dip wanted. The old pony's face twisted into an insane grimace, and she opened her mouth to say something probably boring and horrible, but she closed it because nothing was happening. She just stared wildly at her daughter during some hardcore bass beats and stomped past her, thankfully going towards the castle that was covered in rainbow paint like I said earlier.

Apple Doop and Apple Parcheesi shared a look and fell in step with their Pickle King. Plinko ran off from time to time to get closer looks at the decorations or strange unicorn abominations, but her mother would bite her throat, so she stopped doing that after a while.

The castle itself was open with an enormous "WELCOME SENIORS NIGHT AT THE NURSING CASTLE" banner hanging over the drawbridge; even the normally-stoic guards were smiling at the visitors and some were acting as tour guides. One of the groups was close enough that the pony's opening bit could be overheard. He was explaining about the day Princesses Celestia and Luna had been officially declared Old and put in this very nursing home.

"You weren't here for shuffleboard night, were you? Oh, I bet it was everything all the coroners say it was!" Apple Desk blathered on and on, either ignoring or not noticing Applejack's realization that she had managed to trick her to a nursing home. "I wonder if Princess D--"

"Applejack!"

The cry seemed to emanate from the very walls of the place, and many ponies screamed and ran away. It was The Reckoning. None would be safe.

A brightly-colored pink pony cleared several steps in a single bound, catching the railing and grinding the rest of the way down on her hooves for 300 points. She hadn't changed more than ten times since the last time Applejack saw her and was still probably the young, happy filly from Ponyville.

Managing not to release the demons when Pinkie Pie threw her arms around her chicken neck, Applejack cracked open a cold one. Princess Twilight's Advisor of Festivals and Holidays had never grasped her chicken neck quite like she was doing right now.

"Heya, Pink," Applejack said, slowly extracting the cork from the cold one. "The place looks great. Twilight isn't paying you too much, is she?"

Pinkie Pie had already moved on to the youngest pony that Applejack had managed to spawn and was gleefully swinging Apple Padme around like one of her rubber chickens; by Pintmo's neck. Pinkie always knew just how to show children who was boss. When they grew up, they usually suppressed those memories.

Of course, growing up wasn't something Pinkie Pie would ever talk to Applejack about, because of how old she was and really, who wants to talk to old people about anything, let alone being old? Pssh.

But yeah, there's this stuff in the plot where Twilight made everypony youthful and immortal. So now you know! And Applejack refused the spell for ulterior motives that may be revealed at the end of the fic. Check out all the time we're saving here, right now! It's like Cliff Notes, but for ponies fictions.

"No way! Twilight actually makes me take breaks! We're always arguing about that; she says she'll light me on fire if I don't take breaks, or something silly." Pinkie let Apple Poodle down so she could grab Apple Dachary in a hug which the other pony submissively acquiesced to.

Pinkie Pankle had been one of the first of Applejack's friends to accept her daughter as her own and they were still close. Even though she had fallen out of a plane with all of her friends ever, Applejack could not stay free-falling with Pinkie. None of this was really her fault anyway--she just took advantage of Twilight, like any sane pony would. So manipulative!

"She might have a point!" Apple Dumb scolded. "If the princess thinks you'll mysteriously burst into flames doing all of this," she gestured at the tasteless clown paintings smeared all over the walls, "then you should probably clean this up."

"I was, but then we heard that Applejack was going to check out our facilities; I couldn't not have the biggest welcome to being a nursing home pony in a nursing home party in Celestia's Nursing Home for the Old's history after that!"

Apple Pancake hopped up and down. "You mean this whole nursing home is for Granny Jack?! Finally!" She looked back at the really really old and decrepit mare.

Yeah, cool. Applejack's eyes narrowed as Pinkie led them further into the home, away from any chance of escaping. She was playing dirty by getting Apple Pingas so excited about it.

They eventually made it to the recreation room. It wasn't quite finished yet and there were treadmill materials still lying around. However, a unicorn and a pegasus were putting up banners with BMI charts and fun health facts on the walls.

"Fluttershy, Darling, a bit to the left would make it much more offensive, don't you think?" Dutifully, the pegasus flipflopped her wings a little harder and pulled the banner tighter on her side. "A little more...a little more... a little--HOLY SHIT APPLEJACK!?" Rarity's magic abruptly stopped holding on to the BMI banner which promptly became spiders, and Fluttershy galloped away in tears.

Rarity trotted up to the group. She, like Pinkie, was immortal because remember how I said that Princess Twilight (she is a princess now) made all the ponies (Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and herself) immortal? Well Rarity is immortal, and Applejack isn't because of a shipping subtext that may or may not be fully explained. Remember this, it's important. Oh also keep in mind that Princess Twilight and Princess Rainbow Dash are married. Just because, okay? Okay. Back to the story.

Rarity was wearing her Harmony jewelry that all the ponies got in Season 1 Episode 2. She wore it all the time, because she has a passion for fashion. It was glimmery and sparkly, as jewelry is wont to be.

She stopped short with a small gasp. "Darling, Y U SO old?"

"Woooowwwww Rarity, way to be tactful. Jerk." Fifty years, and she was STILL not getting the whole "tact" thing down. If Applejack rolled her eyes harder, the cataracts would get all shook up (she's old, remember?)

At least Rarity had the cash to buy off anypony she slighted with rude, haughty garbage. "Silly me!" She slipped Applejack two twennies and a ten and asked, "How are things at your delightful little farm, Apple Drink?"

While Rarity and Apple Dank caught up, Applejack shuffled over to one of the recreation bikecycles. and pulled herself up into the seat to exercise. Pinkie and Apple Pop had snuck off somewhere, probably to do nothing at all of anyone's concern, and so Applejack didn't care even a little bit. Apple Dimebag would realize her kid had left with a crazy immortal partystarter, or an impending explosion would kill everyone anyway.

Heck, all things considered, she was washing her hooves of the whole situation.

"Applejack?" The timid call made the elder crane her head over the side of the bicycle bike to look at Fluttershy. At her small nod, Fluttershy assassinated Rarity.

"Thanks, Fluttershy. Rarity wasn't pushing you around, was she?"

Fluttershy glanced away and demurely shook her head. "Not anymore, heh. So much for immortality!" In her peripheral vision, she saw Rarity get back up and dust herself off. "Oh, dang. Guess it's cold soup and bread for me, tonight. Thanks, Applejack. Thanks so much."

A hoof lightly thumped against the table, making Fluttershy squeak. "Let me tell you how much I care, F-Shy. What's eleven minus eleven?"

"...it's been thirty-eight years, Applejack."

Thirty-eight years since that night. Since the math class.

Since the subtraction.

"Yeah, well, we don't have one of those calc-e-laters out on the farm and I can't make the trips up here like Apple Dook can. I'm old, Fluttershy."

"The answer is zero, Applejack."

Bullshit it was zero. Applejack fell off of the bikecycle. With great effort, she crawled back on the bike. It wasn't zero, that was stupid. Stupid Fluttershy. Good thing she was really shy.

"Yee-haw! Ride 'um, cowponies!"

Applejack's eyes widened at the horrific stereotypes she was hearing in the nursing castle. That was most-certainly the voice of Apple Poland and Apple Druckly finally realized her daughter was slowly becoming ethnocentric.

"Stop horsepunning around in the trophy room!"
"Come on, Auntie Dash! Faster!" "Princess, please! Stop this!"

The door exploded fangoriously a second later and a multicolored streak smeared against the walls. All of the clown paintings that had been painted even here, in the rec room, were now clown-painting smears all over the walls and on Princess Rainbow Dash who is a princess and in the room right now.

Hagrid charged through the open door, huffing something horrible. He held the door open with his umbrella-wand for the next figure to walk in: Princess Twilight Sparkle (the princess who was coronated and who married Rainbow Dash which will cause drama later)

The young pony's face was long, like a horse, get it? "Dash, how many times have I begged you not to kidnap children?" She was more regal than Applejack remembered her from the coronation: a longer mane that was totally just like Celestia's was before she was put in a retirement home. Her tiara wasn't as awesome though. Princess Twilight Sparkle always regretted not springing for the really expensive one.

Rainbow Dash, Princess of Equestria -- See, now we're getting to some exposition! It almost made Applejack laugh how she had looked rigging the votes to win that title while Celestia was nursing home'd. The only thing that had really changed with the pony was that now she always dressed in style. She looked like she was having more fun than Celestia was having (being eternally ageless and in a retirement home), Applejack noted with a small amount of satisfaction (because she is still in love with her)

"Aww, but we're having fun!" Apple Pachinko shouted from Rainbow Dash's back. "We weren't causin' no trouble until Trixie (yes, that Trixie) tattled on us!"

The Sun Princess floated down to get a meal from the Old Ponies mess hall while Rainbow Dash floated to the rec room floor, despite her rider's painful spurs digging into her haunches. "Come on, kiddo, we don't want to get blood on the floor right before Twilight teleports Applejack to Sweet Apple Acres for the conclusion of the fic." She clasped a hoof behind her head and brohoofed the little ethnocentric cowpone.

"We were getting kinda hardcore there for a bit, weren't we?" Dash asked as Twilight walked over to them. She lowered her head and let Twilight nuzzle her AND OH MAN WAS IT EVER SEXY.

Applejack coughed, no, hacked, loudly and made a faint gagging sound, because she wanted them to break it up because remember how I explained that she was in love with Rainbow Dash but then Twilight married Rainbow Dash because rampant lesbianism? Anyway, Apple Dalek ran over to her to see why she was coughing.

"I heard you were going to come, but I never believed you would." Rainbow Dash, ignoring a warning look from Twilight, plodded up to the exercise bike and stood there in front of Applejack. Her angry look morphed into a smirk when Applejack started sweating from the exercise. "Careful, you might give yourself EVEN MORE wrinkles on your ALREADY EXISTENT wrinkles!"

Twilight pushed Rainbow Dash over and sat between her and Applejack. "Oh man, Applejack, that was some sick burns she just laid out on you. How are you going to deal with that? I hope you don't seriously flip off the handle," she hissed. This time, Dash just punched her in the face with her hoof. "You're so good at biking, Applejack."

The worst thing was, she actually sounded sincere. Applejack looked down at the bike pedals as her old friends found places around the bike, all talking to her and asking her to pedal faster or else she wasn't going to outbike Death.

They were really being grade-A assholes.

After Celestia and Luna were deemed too old to rule, most of them had moved into the castle with Twilight and Rainbow Dash, and Twilight made them immortal. They were all doing fun princessy things, but Applejack was a silly pony and she stayed on the farm because she liked apples.

Many hadn't accepted her decision. Rarity had moved to her boutique next to Sweet Apple Acres for months, pelting her with apples and trying to make her hate apples so much that she would forget about her apples and go be immortal with the rest of them. Then Applejack got pregnant, but I'm not going to tell you who the father was. That is for your own imagineering. Rarity stopped throwing apples at her, because seriously, she was pregnant. That would have been horrible. They all stopped visiting, because expectant mothers are irritable and crabby.

A gentle poke brought the mare back to the present and she looked up at the worried faces of her friends.

"Ma, do you need time to rest?"

"I don't need no rest! I'm perfectly fine, see, I'm almost at four miles already, so stop askin' me to stop exercisin'!" Applejack snapped, spraying acid spit over all of the things as the elderly are wont to do.

Rainbow Dash's tail snapped like a whip, "kraSNAP!" (that is a whip sound) when she threw her hooves up onto the exercise bike to lean across Twilight. "Don't talk to her like that! She's just concerned about your heart rate!" The other princess tried to put herself between the two former friends, but Dash nudged her out of the way. "No, somepony needs to say it! You can't just push yourself like that, you need to slow down! You're old!"

Applejack felt herself starting to heat up and she chose to simply glare coolly at the rainbow-colored royal rather. "I love you, and I'm jealous at Twilight Sparkle because she got to be a lesbian with you instead of me."

"Oh wow, that explains everything!" Fluttershy, poor Fluttershy, was an Amnesia Wizard accidentally. As she said "Oh wow, that explains everything!" everypony forgot everything that happened in the last five minutes.

The two ponies started to dance, but not like the tango, but like the dance-fighting from West Side Story. Princess Twilight Sparkle was doing her best to keep up, but she was not trained in dance like Applejack and Rainbow Dash were. She just decided, instead, to stroke one of her hooves on Dash's thigh-fur, because lesbians.

Applejack opened her mouth and let out with a furious "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

And suddenly, everything was gone. The bikes, the half-finished treadmills, the cold spiders that were once a BMI banner--all of it replaced by the warm afternoon sun and flowering trees of every size and shape. She ran her nose through the flowers swaying in the light breeze as if to convince herself this was real.

"Am I dead? Awesome!" she wondered.

"Oh no. We're a little ways outside of Canterlot." Twilight Sparkle plodded up beside her friend and hoofed at the ground, stomping some flowers to death. "When you die, you get whatever you want and nothing bad ever happens forever and ever." She glanced over at the earth pony. "You obviously aren't swimming in an ocean of apples, so you can't be dead."

"...How did you know that's what I want?"

"Because your name is Applejack, and you have apples for a cutie mark. Seriously."

Twilight, in an act unbecoming of a princess, sat down in a heap next to Applejack. Reluctantly, the mare followed suit after a moment. She gently let her hip sag to the ground first before following it with the rest of her body. The bones creaked at almost 500 decibels, causing Twilight's ears to ring painfully with each one, but soon they were more or less comfortable on the ground.

Then, they had some dialogue. I'm lazy, and I assume you are too, so I'm going to give you the tl;dr version.

Twilight: We're friends right?
Applejack: insert silence here
Twilight: Rainbrow Dashing is upsettled because you named your filly after her
Applejack: Still not saying words. cough cough. I'm old.
Twikite: What's up with dat cough?
Applejock: Send me home!
Twilight: No, that's dumb. Your family is still in the nursing home. Have you given it some thought? Nursing homes are awesome these days.
Applejack: deerrrrppppp listen it's cool, I promise I won't go and die if you teleport me back to my house. I'll just go to bed like really old ponies do all the time.
Twilight: Y U MAD AND Y U NO WANT INMORTALITY
Applejack: trollolol nope
Twilight: Pretly please?
Applejack: trollolol nope
Twilight: okay.jpg

And then Applejack was back at her house. But Twilight was there too! And they looked at all of the apple trees and then Twilight helped the really really venerable mare to her feet and watched her trot to the door like an elderly old thing and then they looked at each other awkwardly.

"I'm sorry things turned out like this, Applejack," Twilight called out.

Applejack turned around. "Well guess what???"

Twilight looked back at her. "What???"

"An apple a day keeps the dying away!" and Applejack took off her old-suit.

"What??? You're youthful, and not going to forget to take your medicine and die?!?" Twilight was shockedly yelling.

"YEP!" Applejack did a funny dance. "Apples let me live forever!"

"But why? Why lie to us, Applejack?"

Applejack continued dancing.

"Well this is fine! I'm going to tell everypony that you're okay and also immortal like us."

Applejack danced harder. "Cool story bro!"

Twilight teleported away and then all of the other ponies and also Twilight and Rainbow Dash (who Applejack was in love with but who was in love with Twilight Sparkle and not Applejack) teleported to Applejack and they all gave each other big pony hugs.

In fact, the pony hugs were so big that Applejack blacked out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Applejack's eyes fluttered open; someone was calling her name. She lifted her head off the table and looked around. Pinkie Pie was sitting in the chair next to her. The only reason she could make the pony out in the low light was because her mane was so distinctive.

"Silly, you fell asleep! If I hadn't been here you'd have missed the announcement!"

"What announce--"

Several shushes came Applejack's way all at once as the crowd of ponies eagerly looked up at the platform at the head of the dining room. Guards flanked it on either side and the figures of Princesses Celestia and Luna were standing in the middle. Somepony was still making adjustments to the microphone, but it was clear the event was about to start. Groggy as she was, Applejack made sure to listen real good.

The technician said something to Celestia and went offstage. The ruler cleared her throat and smiled at the way her voice now carried throughout the large room.

"I thank you all for coming tonight," she began. "It has been over three thousand years since my sister and I took the mantle of rulership from our predecessors and tonight marks the first night that we are officially "really damn old". It has been a long and fulfilling road for us both, though not without its tribulations..."

Luna blushed and looked away from the crowd. Celestia was such a dick sometimes.

"...but we have both agreed to go to a nursing home. And replacing us will be: this incorrigable bookworm and the crazy blue one."

All the ponies cheered and Twilight and Rainbow Dash got their tiaras and they were happy. And then Rainbow Dash ordered their subjects to dance like they've never danced before. (That is to say, dance in a more carefree and jubilant manner than they had ever danced in the past, not to dance as if they didn't know how to because they never danced before. Sometimes, witty expressions aren't so easy to understand. I'm here to help you with that.)

Applejack smiled when a pair of legs flopped over her back and she let her eyes slide closed. "So, how was my speech?"

"I think Pr-er-Queen Oldilocks finally realized you're gonna be you no matter how much you like to dress in style now." Rainbow Dash laughed and pulled Applejack in closer so she could nuzzle her neck. She was very tempted to sink her teeth into Applejack's plump and meaty throat and drink all of her blood, but she fought that urge with laserlike precision.

"So you're not mad?" the new princess asked. Dash let out a loud sigh and let her head droop until it was resting between Applejack's shoulder blades (But don't worry! Dash is perfectly safe! Shoulder blades aren't sharp like real blades are!)

Applejack craned an eye open. "What would I have to be mad about, Sugarcube?"

"You know--I couldn't tell everypony that we're engaged for really realsies."

"Dash, I'm technically just some poor farmer from the middle of nowhere. If you had said you were gonna marry me right after being crowned, the crowd would have swarmed the stage and executed you and Twilight on the spot, ushering in a reign of terror followed by a pony democracy. Liberté, égalité, AND fraternité! How awful."

The pegasus wouldn't shut up. "But, I told you I'd make the announcement tonight. Come on, you've got to be mad at me! I mean, I--"

Finally, tired of her fiancée's mouth flapping too much, Applejack spun around and captured her lips. She didn't even have time to scream.

Then, the cartoon ponies fucked.

Fin~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Applejack woke up.

"Dear Celestia," she said, wiping her bleary eyes, "that is THE LAST TIME I EVER drink a gallon of sarsaparilla before bed."

Big Mac appeared at her door. "Morning, sis. It's time to start Applebuck Season, but I've gone and hurt myself."

Applejack grinned. "Oh man, Big Mac, I can totally harvest the entire crop all by myself this year!"

The Ned