Poke-A story about killing snowmen

by Space Kitty

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy, Random, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 1236

"Do you wanna kill a snowman, Carrot Arrow?"

WARNING
HIGH RANDOMNESS LEVELS
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-07 00:07:52 UTC

Do you wanna kill a snowman?

Toxic Flame walked up to Carrot Arrow and poked him.

"Ambush poke."

"Poke: The sequel."

"Poke: The prequel."

"It's frickin' cold out here let's get inside poke."

"Agreed Poke."

They played jokes on the teacher, such as "What's the capital of Equestria?" and reply with "The E!".

And their lives were good.

Later on, when recess came around, there was enough snow to build a snowman.

And they smashed the snowmen that were made on the playground.

They went home. It had been a long day and they had to get to their homes to eat dinner.  There was no homework, as Toxic had outsmarted the teacher in law.

"What a filly or colt sees as manual labor, they do not have to do it. Forcing them to will cause a fine of many bits."

Carrot was a pretty darned funny colt, too.

Many snowmen were found all over Equestria. The majority were found in Canterlot, too bad for Princess Luna and Celestia.

But then....

Carrot Arrow knocked on Toxic Flame's door.

"Do you wanna kill a snowman?

Decapitate it with a stick?

We can go kill Frosty now,

he has no brain.

I'm sure he won't mind!

I need an AK-47,

and a few Uzis.

Let's shove them down their throats!

Do you wanna kill a snowman?"

And just as Carrot finished the last verse, Toxic joined in, holding an Uzi and an AK-47.

"Do you wanna kill a snowman?

Shove a gun down its throat?

I've got some guns for us

to use on

the dumb snowmen!

How about some dynamite?

Let it go boom.

I am sure my parents won't mind!

Do you wanna kill a snowman?"

Carrot sang again.

"Do you wanna kill a snowman?

Blow it up with dynamite?

I've got the candlestick,

let's burn some wicks,

on the white snow!

Sulfur everywhere clogging up drains

I wish they'd allow me!

Do you wanna kill a snowman?"

"First, get a stick."

Toxic found a particularly large branch in her backyard, and used it to decapitate every snowman in sight! Ponies began to wonder what happened.

Not long after, guns were sticking out of every snowman body left, with strings attached to the triggers. Right before the ponies were about to pull the guns out, a string was pulled. It pulled many other strings along with it.

BLAM!

And there stood a pony with a half-burnt face.

BLAM!

BLAM!

BLAM!

BLAM!

BLAM!

BLAM!

More ponies began to have burnt faces as they fired the guns. Next up... dynamite. Just like the song, stuff happened.

Soon, all over Equestria snowmen were decked out in TNT and more pyrotechnics.

And then, right when Princess Luna went to inspect a snowman... it started to expand and then...

*BOOM!*

Equestria had to be rebuilt that day, but before it could even start...

Suddenly Toxic's cellphone went BING!

Toxic checked out the new message. Someone had replied to her post on Facebook.

"Carrot, go get the matches. I need to get something from my lab." she said before galloping off to get some liquid hydrogen and other explosives.

And then as Carrot played his video game, Toxic flew around with sprinklers, sprinkling hydrogen all over Equestria, excepting on him.

And then, Carrot Arrow got a spacesuit on as well as Toxic Flame. They got to a safe distance from the surface of the planet, and then dropped the lit match.

Five seconds later, the planet blew up into dust.

A dead oppossum floated by,  as well as Toxic's  half-blown up "Raspberry Pi".  Toxic opened her laptop, and began to play Cookie Clicker.  Carrot just enjoyed the zero gravity while playing the My Little Human game on his Iphone. Toxic eventually built a life support system for the few surviving ponies. They took the un-rotting hayburgers from "Arby's" and ate them, setting off for the next habitable planet.

And life was good.  Even when Lily Blossom forgot to flush the toilet.

Even when Rumble's tail got caught in doors.

Even though everypony had died and Toxic's Tumblr ask box was empty. Forever.

Even though every Minecraft server ever had been abandoned and she was free to grief everything possible. Forever. She even hacked into a server just to blow up their worlds.

Even though there was no Agave Nectar to put in her hot cocoa. Forever, and that sucked!

Life was good.

Two hundred years later,  their descendants ruled one planet. None were non-pegasi. Pegasusopolis had risen again. Celestia and Luna looked down on the planet from the cosmos, disapproving. They had believe it or not died in the hydrogen explosion. Because the most snowmen... were in Canterlot.

And many million years later, an earth pony was born.

The natural balance of equestrians had been fixed.

But then, the pegasi culled the earth pony.  That was only one child out of the seven septillion on the planet. All over the galaxy, nonillions of pegasi ruled the galaxy.  They could breathe without oxygen. They could live for years without food or water. They could use magic. They had super strength. They could build robots. They could do anything. They remade some of the destroyed artifacts of Equestria. They destroyed alien races. They did everything, from galactic cookies to fart-powered cars. They could do anything you could name. Write erotic FNAF fanfiction? They can do it. Fart hard enough to be propelled at millions of light years a second? They could do it. Read this fanfiction? They can do it. They are watching. They can break the fourth wall and not give a s**t. Hey, what if I'm one of them now? Nah, I'm a cat.

But then, one pony's plot twisted. Sure glad it wasn't mine.

"OWW! " she said. It had hurt the pony badly.

And it twisted a lot, until Carrot Arrow stepped out of the twisted plot. He frowned, and decapitated his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter. Then, the universe was sucked into itself. The Big Crunch  was happening. Furbies started swearing. The Pegasi turned into Unicorns. The deceased were alive and the alive were deceased. The GRANDMAPOCALYPSE WAS HAPPENING TOO! GRANDMATRIARCHS CAME OUT OF COOKIE CLICKER! CHAOS RULED THE GALAXY! THE UNIVERSE WAS THE SIZE OF A SPECK OF DUST NOW! the caps lock button is broken!  Tirek and Discord decided to make out with eachother! TWILIGHT'S CASTLE WAS A LIBRARY! FIMFICTION IS BROKEN! ROCKS ARE GIANT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  Purple Guy jumped out of FNAF! Genders were infinitely swapped!  Anypony making love couldn't do anything!  Space Kitty is bored so she'll go eat a sandwich.

~Timeskip to after I eat a sandwich!~

Now the size of an atom, the universe begins to spin and expand, like an inflating balloon on a ceiling fan. Atoms blasted out.

The ten quadrillionth Big Bang was happening.

And the timeline of the universe began again.

However, many things were mixed around. The Elements Of Harmony were immortality-granting flowers. The Eternal Flower protected Ponypeii, Lusitano, and Marapore. The Flankara Relics were ancient items used to defeat Daymare Sun, Princess Luna's little sister.

Until one day, during winter, one Pegasus said to another...

"Do you wanna kill a snowman?"

BANG!

BOOM!

BOOM!

BOOM!

BOOM!

Oh murr...

Now the universe is in chaos, so allow me to fix it....

*rewindwhirrrrrrrr*

"Ambush Poke."

PFFFFFFRRRRRT!

"Hey, did you fart?"

"You want to go blow up the planet by farting?"

Oh shit...

Once again, a filly's plot twisted, the farting grandmother popped out, the universe reset.