The Canterlot Castle War

by Edanite Phoenix

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 1453

A brief tale of a guard who guarded the prankster princesses.

A brief tale of a guard who guarded the prankster princesses.
Written in first person from the guards view.

(Due warning; written for practice.)

Published 2016-05-18 02:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-18 02:00:01 UTC

Chapter 1

I would like to say that I am a hero, gifted in immense arcane magic, skilled with many kinds of weapons, savior of countless lives, but I'm not. I am a typical generic guard tasked with protecting the princess and her castle located just outside the city of Canterlot.

For most this sounds amazing, to protect the greatest pony, the mare who moves the sun and moon up until the return of her sister Luna whom took back her charge over the night after her millennia absence. While true, the novelty wears off after a month of repeating the same routine day in and out.

I have been with the guard patrolling these halls for near six years, it's during that time I learned a terrible truth. Princess Celestia, the mare who has lead us with serine grace and a motherly smile for a thousand years, was a vicious and ruthless prankster.

Not in an obvious nor malicious way, no. She has a way of using the most minimal means to pull her pranks. The harmless ones were small and usually used in social events to lighten the tension in the room, so to speak. However, the more ruthless and meticulous pranks were played upon her guards who she knows can handle it.

She could plan a prank hours, days, weeks in advance. When everything is in place she would simply wait, it doesn't matter how long, she has time as the older guards say. Some claim that she has pranks set up for centuries and even now she waits for them to be executed.

But how I came to be side by side with princess Luna as we stared down her sister from across the ruined ballroom began only a few months back.

I stood guard beside the doors of the throne room, the faded yellow dye in my coat from Celestia's most recent prank on her guards had all but vanished, I patiently waited for the princess to arrive and begin the morning court.

I did not have to wait long, the doors open to reveal the white Alicorn as she strode with grace and confidence to her throne. She ascended to steps, turned, with a smile she said; "Let the court begin." She then sat upon her throne and a long fart echoed across the marble walls.

For a long, tense moment all was silent. The princess, unphased by the event, removed the whoopie cusion from her throne and rolled her hoof to signal for the guards to continue.

I was disappointed by her lack of response but I could not help but smile. My small revenge for the six years I have suffered her pranks was a success. As my colleague brought in the next pony I stole a glance to Celestia and my blood froze. She stared at me with a smirk and eyes the gleamed with mischief. She knew, and as clear as though she spoke the words herself I knew I had brought upon myself a fate unlike any other yet I did not feel fear nor regret, I grinned and her smirk grew.

That day ended uneventfully. I knew I was to expect a retaliation for my actions in the near future but I did not expect to transform into foal when I put on my armour the next morning. I was amazed at how quickly she could act.

I sighed as my colleagues laughed, and endured as the castle staff teased and babied me.

Latter in the day I jogged along my patrol route when I was whisked into the air and found myself held in the magical grasp of an amused princess Celestia. She made to speak but a hiccup that produced a large bubble from her maw stopped her. For a while we grinned at one another before she placed me on the ground and continued on.

Since then we played pranks on one another while the staff looked on with interest.

The days turned to weeks then weeks to months before I received a summons from princess Luna. Her request was simple, help her prank her sister. It was to be a fun prank, to adjust her voice at an upcoming party with an enchanted cake.

I watched as Celestia spoke with the Griffon and Minotaur ambassadors, at her side stood Luna whom glanced my way and gave a small nod. I returned the nod and left the room.

I walked through the wide halls and entered the kitchen. "The operation is a go." I said to the cooks who produced a slice of cake, the arch mage Luna had acquired checked the enchantment.

"The spell is good."

The cake was then passed to a young maid who left the kitchen with me. We walked through the halls in silence until we arrived at the ballroom. We found the princesses where I left them, the two were in a rather tense discussion with one another.

I gave the maid a nod and she moved to deliver the cake slice. I licked my lips in anticipation as the cake and its intended target grew closer together. I did not see prince Blueblood until it was too late, the prince snatched up the cake and had already took a bite before the first curse left my lips.

I looked back to the princesses to see that they still argued, Luna unaware of our failure. I dropped my head and sighed dejectedly but a crash forced me to attention, I scanned the room for danger before laughter drew my attention to the princesses once again. My eyes widened as I took in the scene. Blueblood was sprawled on the ground, the carpet beneath his hooves were rolled up which suggested he tripped. Luna laughed freely and Celestia had the very cake we sabotaged stuck to the side of her head.

Luna spoke something I did not hear but my body tensed as Celestia's maw curled into a smirk.

Now here we were, tables overturned, many of the nobles fled, those who remained were eventually split, Celestia and the Minotaur ambassador, smeared with various foods, stood proud from the other side as food was hurled across 'no man's land'.

I looked at our exhausted but determined team of ponies. Most were of the guard. They, like many others, simply found themselves on our side when the battle finally split in two. All were covered in various amounts of food, all smiled as they fought back. A rather determined prince Blueblood who whispered curses to all things cake hid behind a nearby table as he waited for an opening to return fire.

I peered over to the other side to see the same smiles and determination on the faces of my opponents.

Celestia gave her war cry. "Cake!" She bellowed.

Luna returned the gesture with her own. "Pie!"

We jumped the tables and charged one another, a few brave ponies joined us on our suicidal run.

We met in the middle and the final battle began. Luna and Celestia hurled food at one other as the rest of us fought it out in the middle of the room.

I could not help but laugh, the joyous smiles on the princesses faces as they childishly struck one another was a sight I felt I would remember for the rest of my life.

I looked away to see the Minotaur throw a three stack cake at me. I couldn't help but grin as the dessert knocked me to the ground.

Eventually the commotion came to an end. The attendants left with smiles, laughter, and thanks to the two princesses.

I gave a sigh and apologized to the clean-up crew as they walked in to see the horrific mess before them, food covered every inch of the floor, dripped down pillars and dropped from the ceiling. I gave my relief a salute and retired to the barracks.

I enter the room tired and ready for bed when I spotted a slice of cake upon my bed, I recognized it as a slice from the enchanted cake. A letter lay beside it.

On the letter was a single word; 'Thanks'.

I smiled and took a bite of the cake as I looked back on the irreplaceable memories I made in the last few months. I chuckled and went to sleep as I wondered how I would sound in the morning.

Author's Note

I found this in my list of unpublished stories and felt needed to be finished.
Written with the idea that the princesses love to prank their guards and one another.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Any feedback would be appreciated.

(So much cake.)