EqD Writers Training Ground for Georg - S5

by Georg

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 12313

A spot for Georg's EqD Writers Training Ground stories, one per week of Season Five

EqD Writers Training Ground stories for Season Five from Georg.

Week 6: Slice of Life - Lyra and Bon Bon Are Just Best Friends. Honest.
Bon Bon comes clean about her past. Now it’s Lyra’s turn.
Run, Lyra. Run.

Week 5: Castle Sweet Castle - And Now A Word From Our Sponsors
The new season of My Little Pony is bringing something a little different to make Twilight Sparkle’s new castle seem more like a home.
Product placements.

Week 4: Phineas and Ferb Tribute - Gummy the Gator - Secret Agent of O.W.A.C.A.
When Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie return to Ponyville to tell Twilight Sparkle all about their trip, they each have a somewhat odd idea of what Gummy has been up to while they were gone. A tribute to the last episode of Phineas and Ferb, which will air June 12, 2015.

Week 3: Cheerilee's Thousand Tribute - The Ooze at the Bottom of the Bin
Once again, one of Cheerilee's dates goes horribly wrong, although she gets to meet a celebrity: The Smooze.

Week 2: Starlight Glimmer - A Matter Of Complete Trust
A villain from Twilight Sparkle’s past returns to Canterlot. It’s time for Princess Celestia to teach her a lesson about redemption and trust.

Week 1: Short Legs and Tall Tails - Braeburn tells a bedtime story to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Can he keep his natural instincts for telling tall tales in check?

Editors: Tek

Published 2015-05-08 03:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-01 03:21:29 UTC

Week 1: Short Legs and Tall Tails - Braeburn's Bedtime Stories

Week 1: Short Legs and Tall Tails - Braeburn’s Bedtime Stories
For the S5 EqD Writers Training Ground

“Tell us a story before bedtime, Cousin Braeburn.”

Despite a sweaty afternoon of hard manual labor, the three little fillies had perked up after a quick bath, and Braeburn had been tasked with tucking them into bed this evening. All three of the Cutie Mark Crusaders were still buzzing with energy after their exciting day at the rodeo, and Braeburn’s small guest bedroom was proving to be inadequate to the task of calming the little ponies down and giving them the rest they needed before their long train ride back to Ponyville tomorrow.

“Ah don’t know, cuz.” Braeburn tousled Apple Bloom’s mane and regarded her two little friends. “Wouldn’t you rather I go get Cousin Applejack? Ol’ Braeburn don’t know too many interesting stories.”

“You could tell us about how you got your cutie mark!” said Sweetie Belle.

“Had an apple fall and hit me on the head,” said Braeburn. “That’s why I wear a hat now.”

“You could tell us how you came to Appleoosa,” said Scootaloo with a eager buzz of her wings that knocked the covers off the bed.

“Born here,” he grunted as he picked the covers up off the floor with his teeth and threw them back on the bed.

“You could tell us about the first time you met Applejack,” suggested Apple Bloom.

“At a reunion,” he said, tucking in the blanket around the three little fillies.

“Well, how did you hurt your leg?” asked Scootaloo. “Was it doing some fantastic rodeo trick?”

“Well…” Braeburn hesitated for a moment. “I suppose it was a little interesting. I’ll tell you three, if you promise to go right to sleep afterwards.”

“We promise,” chorused the three little fillies.

“Very well, then. It was a couple of nights ago, under the full moon, when I was out in the Oil Painting Desert, looking for rare cactusfruit. You see, them cactus only bloom under the full moon, and bear their fruit in one night. I had taken a set of saddlebags and my trusty rope before I set out, trying to find the legendary Valley of the Giants. It’s said that cactusfruit there get bigger than apples, almost as big as your head even.”

“Cuz,” said Apple Bloom, “are you sure you’re telling the truth? Applejack showed me a cactusfruit from one of her trips out here, and it weren’t no bigger than a cherry.”

“If I’m lyin’ I’m dieing,” pledged the cowpony with a cross of one bandaged hoof across his chest. “Anyway, there I was, trudging across the moonlit sand for hours on end. I had gotten so turned around that I would have been hopelessly lost, if not for the stars to guide me. But I trudged onward, and when I came over a low ridge, there it was. The Valley of the Giants.”

“How could you tell?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“It had this great big green sign, about twelve ponies tall that said, ‘Welcome to the Valley of the Giants,’” said Braeburn. “Even if there weren’t no sign there, it was pretty obvious. The cactus there were ten times as tall as a pony, and as I walked through the prickly forest, I thought for sure there was going to be a whole passel of cactusfruit. But look as much as I did, and there weren’t none at all, anywhere!”

“So how did you hurt your leg?” asked Scootaloo. “Did you get a giant cactus spine in it?”

“I’m gettin’ there, little filly.” Braeburn paused with a contemplative look. “Anyways, I was just about ready to come on home, when what did I see out there in the moonlight on this big ol’ patch of sand, but a whale!”

“Braeburn!” scoffed Apple Bloom. “There ain’t no whales around these parts. You’re just pullin’ our legs like Applejack says you do.”

“There is too whales in this neck of the country,” countered Braeburn. “This here was one of the legendary Sandwhales of the Oil Painting Desert. They swim through the sand like ocean whales do the water, but they normally keep way deep underground, as the sun burns their sensitive hides. This one was huge, nearly the size of a hundred ponies all lined up nose to tail, and that’s not counting whatever was under the sand. It was right up next to the wall of the valley, all hootin’ and blowin’ like it had a sandbur caught under one flipper.”

“Really?” asked Scootaloo. “Was it hurt?”

“I didn’t know for sure,” said Braeburn. “But I heard something over the noise that just chilled my hide. That there whale had caught some filly and trapped her in a cave, and it weren’t about to let her out. Well, I knew just what to do.”

“Run and get help?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“No way! I galloped on down into that valley all hootin’ and a hollerin’ to beat the band, and that big ‘ol sandwhale was so startled that it dove undersand when I galloped on into the cave.”

“Wow,” said Apple Bloom.

“It weren’t all that much, cuz,” admitted Braeburn. “Once I had galloped past, it surfaced right behind me. Plum near scared me out of a year’s growth, but since I was in the cave with that frightened filly, I put on a brave front and tried to calm her down.”

“She must have been so frightened,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Mad, actually,” said Braeburn with a wistful smile. “She was a snortin’ and a pawin’ at the ground like I had a brought that durned old sandwhale myself, but she looked purtier than anypony I had ever met before. She had a dark coat and wings the color of thunderclouds in the moonlight, with a mane that flowed like a river of stars. There was a whole passel of huge cactusfruits being held in her magic behind her, and she explained that she was about to take them home to Canterlot when the sandwhale had attacked.”

“Wait a minute,” said Apple Bloom. “She had wings and unicorn magic?”

“And she lived in Canterlot?” asked Scootaloo.

“And her mane was full of stars?” said Sweetie Belle.

“Princess Luna!” they all three chorused.

“I do believe she said her name was Luna,” said Braeburn after some consideration. “Purtiest filly in all of Equestria, I’d think, an’ blushed all pink when I told her too.

“Well, I didn’t have much time to sit there and jaw with her as that big ‘ol sandwhale was a coming back at the cave entrance and all we had there to defend ourselves was that passel of giant cactusfruits. So I grabbed one of them fruits and bucked it right into that whale’s face, and you know what?”

“What?” chorused the three little fillies.

“That sandwhale just nipped that cactusfruit right outa the air, just like throwin’ Winona one of her doggie treats. Didn’t like it much, though. Its face got all wrinkley and these big ‘ol tears started flowing out of its eyes. Well, Luna didn’t like that much. Gave me a mean look like I had hurt a itty bitty baby and went out there in the sand to pat that big sandwhale on the back and wipe away its tears. Turns out she could talk to it, once the critter had calmed down a bit, an’ it really didn’t like all that juice in those cactusfruits. Them sandwhales are dry critters, and the moisture hurt it something awful.”

“That’s terrible,” gasped Sweetie Belle.

“Weren’t all that bad,” admitted Braeburn. “Princess Luna, she whipped up a cider press out of her magic so we could squish all the juice out of them thar cactusfruits and give the squished parts to Beluga. That’s her name, by the way. She was just a little tyke, and wanted a taste of them cactusfruits afore the sun got up and dried them out all proper like for the rest of the sandwhales to nibble on the next night. Worked out pretty darned good for Luna too. Turns out all that cute filly wanted in the first place was the juice fer some reason or the other. Took a whole cask back to Canterlot with her after she talked Beluga into giving me a lift back to Appleoosa.”

“So how did you hurt your leg then, cuz?” asked Apple Bloom.

Braeburn blushed. “Well, that cider press that Luna whipped up needed somepony to turn the crank on it, and I tole her I’d be right obliged if she’d let me. Turned it so much that night that I sprained my ankle. Seems a little silly, twisting my ankle running a cider press, and Applejack would just give me all kinds o’ heck about showin’ off for a pretty mare, so I’d appreciate it if you three little fillies would just keep that to ourselves.”

The door to the guest bedroom creaked open and a soft voice called, “Braeburn, my love. Beluga the Sandwhale hath been waiting upon thee for several minutes. When shalt thou be done with thy story?”

“Just a moment,” said Braeburn with a chuckle as all three of the little filly’s eyes grew large. “And that’s how I hurt my leg. Now you three go to sleep like you promised, and I’ll see you all in the morning before you head on back to Ponyville with Cousin Applejack, ‘ya hear? Luna’s gonna have some really nice dreams for ya tonight, on account of you helping Trouble Shoes find his cutie mark, I’ll bet.”

He slipped out of the guest bedroom and closed the door before turning to the giggling mare on the other side of the doorway. “Now, Cousin AJ. You do a pretty good imitation of Luna’s voice, but that weren’t very polite of ya.”

“I couldn’t help it,” said Applejack through the stifled laughter. “You and yer tall tales. Ah swear, they just get wilder every year. Tell your cousin the truth now. You stepped in a chuckhole again, didn’t you?”

Whatever Braeburn was about to say was cut off by the gentle tapping on Braeburn’s front door, followed by the door opening up and the Princess of the Night poking her head in. “Good evening, friend Applejack. I was just about to invite your handsome cousin for an evening of starwatching out in the Oil Painting Desert in appreciation for his hard work several days ago.”

Luna turned to the blushing cowpony with a wink. “Beluga doth speak kindly of you, and would greatly appreciate another night in our presence. And—” Luna produced a dark bottle that sloshed slightly as she moved it. “—the cactusfruit didst ferment well, and produced a wine of great fortitude. Shall we be off?”

“Of course, Your Highness,” said Braeburn, stepping forward with a grin. “I honestly couldn’t think of anywhere else I would rather be.”

After several requests, I have found a picture of the sign at the top of the Valley of Giants, credit to the Mayo House in MN

(It just needs ponyfied, but I’m not an artist. Heck, I’m barely a writer.)

Week 2: Starlight Glimmer - A Matter Of Complete Trust

Week 2: Starlight Glimmer - A Matter of Complete Trust
For the S5 EqD Writer’s Training Ground

The battlefield was supposed to be where great victories were attained or horrible tragedies overtook whole countries. Princess Celestia much preferred her private garden as a place to resolve conflicts, without all of that untidy screaming and bloodshed that happened whenever a bunch of stallions with pointy sticks were set against another set of stallions with pointy sticks to resolve a problem that could have been solved over a pot of tea and some mint crisps. That’s not to say actual battle was never required, just that it reflected a failure in her approach to a problem, and over the course of Equestrian history, those failures were few and far between.

The problem in this case was a somewhat young mare. Celestia always had difficulties placing the age of her little ponies. They seemed to travel in a rather rapid pace from foal to adult to “Good heavens, was that your great-grandmother?” but this one blurred in her mind as to her exact age. She certainly had the audacity of youth, with the aggressive attitude on life that all of her attempts to remain compliant and defer to Celestia could not hide, but there was a certain age to her that slipped out between the cracks when she thought nopony was watching.

“You seem worried, Starlight Glimmer,” said Princess Celestia as they walked. “I assure you, there will be no harm brought upon you today on my part or others. You decided to ask me for a meeting, and I respect this decision. You may trust me.”

“I know,” said Starlight with a glance over her shoulder at the distant guards who kept an even pace with their Diarch and her guest. “I just don’t see how you can trust me. I assaulted Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends.”

Celestia chuckled. “They have faced far worse in that regard. My former student had quite a bit to say about you when she returned, and I’m glad that you decided to make things right. After all, your experience will certainly bring great advances in our understanding of how cutie marks work. Generations to come will call this day a turning point in the treatment of medical disorders and other problems.”

“Still…” Starlight Glimmer trailed off as she walked alongside Celestia, through the colorful gardens and beside an ornate trickling stream. They matched their steps until they paused by a brilliant orange bush with lavender flowers that caused them both to inhale in appreciation and stop for a brief nibble. Finally, Starlight burst out with the question that had been bothering her.

“I’m not used to this. I keep expecting to be thrown into prison or executed for what I did. How can you be so forgiving?”

With a knowing nod, Celestia said, “My own sister turned into Nightmare Moon, and yet I forgave her actions upon her return. I was much to blame for the stress which drove her to madness, and yet she forgave me without question too. Your own intent seemed to be fair, from what Twilight has said about her time in your little village. Although I can’t condone your actions, it did seem as if you were genuinely concerned about the well-being of the citizens and their happiness.”

“Equality was best for them,” said Starlight. “Before, they fought and argued all of the time. After I took away their cutie marks, they all got along just fine.”

“They trusted each other, and they trusted you,” said Celestia. “When I received word that you wanted to meet with me, Princess Twilight Sparkle objected. She does not trust you, but I reminded her about the meaning of trust, and after considerable discussion, she agreed.”

After a gesture to follow, Celestia turned her steps to a narrow pathway through a tall entranceway overgrown with a multitude of vibrant flowers. Behind them, the guards stopped at the entrance to await their return, and Starlight Glimmer seemed to relax without their accusatory gaze on the back of her neck.

“It is,” continued Celestia, “the way I prefer to live my life. Sometimes when you don’t know how something is going to turn out no matter how much you plan and prepare, you just have to trust that things will turn out for the best.

“Trust is what keeps a society together. As ponies, we build bonds of trust between each other, from the powerful bonds of trust between a married couple to the relatively weak trust between complete strangers on the street. Trust determines how we react to each other, how much we are willing to place our lives into somepony else’s hooves. Without trust, there would be no society, no bonds permitting ponies to turn their backs on each other without expecting a knife or a blow in return.”

The stunning view of the private garden spread out before them as they passed out of the narrow walkway. All around the blooming bushes and brilliant flowers, small pathways wound their way through rare plants unseen in all of the rest of Equestria.

“The Private Royal Gardens,” gasped Starlight Glimmer. “I didn’t think anypony was allowed in here.” Her eyes continued to track around the thick flowers and bushes, but stopped at the sight of several statues.

“Very few,” admitted Celestia. “Since you seem to be interested in my statues, would you like to hear about them?”

“They signify triumphs in your rule, don’t they, Your Highness?” said Starlight Glimmer with an uncomfortable glance in Celestia’s direction.

“Quite the opposite,” said Celestia with a sigh. “At one time, before I lost my sister, I collected all of the tokens of my successes and reveled in them. Afterwards, I had them all destroyed. Since then, I’ve only kept track of my failures in order not to repeat them.”

She strode through the grass over to a pale white statue of an earth pony balancing a ball on his nose. “Bouncy Bounce, one of my first advisors, who I trusted with an important diplomatic mission to the Griffons. They saw little humor in my choice.”

A few more strides took her to a statue of a pegasus holding a spear. “Strikes Sure. A promising young soldier, but he fought a bloody duel over a mare and wound up a wanted criminal afterwards.”

Another few steps took her to a unicorn statue with a frazzled mane and crossed eyes. “Vector Thrust, an alchemist of great skill who I asked to analyze some relics that we had discovered. She found out that they were explosive.”

“I would like very much not to have a statue of you in my garden,” said Celestia, looking away from Starlight Glimmer. “If you would work with Twilight Sparkle and my school, think of the advances that could be made. Think of the lives that would be improved. You could become Professor Starlight Glimmer, healer and hero. Ponies across Equestria would look up to you.”

“And if I refuse?” asked Starlight from behind her.

With a deep sigh, Celestia bowed her head so the scent of the garden could overwhelm the stench of failure. “If you refuse my offer, you will be allowed to return to where you were. You will not be bothered unless you violate the laws of Equestria. I won’t like it, but I will abide by your wishes.”

“I think—” An explosion of magic washed over Celestia, holding her powerless as agonizing pain blazed over her flank and twisted her mane into a knot “—I want a third option.”

“Starlight,” cried Celestia as she fell to her knees. “Don’t do this.”

“Why not?” said Starlight Glimmer as the magic grew in power around a helpless Celestia. “Once I have your cutie mark in a bottle, I’ll use its power to capture your sister’s mark too.” An empty lightning bottle formed out of magic to Celestia’s side and fell to the grass, awaiting the results of Starlight’s spell. “After that, I’ll take the cutie marks of everypony in Canterlot. They’ll be helpless once I have both of their precious princesses. And after that—”

A faint gagging noise filled the garden as Starlight’s spell wavered and surged, then flared into brilliant light. Wiping away a tear, Celestia stood up and turned around to observe the effects of the second spell that she had so much not wanted to be triggered.

“Trust is a two-way street,” said Celestia as the aura of magic over her began to fade and dissipate. “Many view the ancient tale of the scorpion and the frog as a commentary on the nature of ponies, and how it cannot be changed. I disagree. Ponies are not beasts, for we decide our fate through our decisions. Trust can be simply the knowledge that somepony will make their decisions in a predictable fashion. We cannot truly trust that which we cannot predict. Had you decided to trust me and abide by my rules as I had hoped, you would have led a long and profitable life and been praised for your work.”

Celestia lit her horn and picked up the lightning bottle, using it to scoop up the floating cutie mark which had just peeled away from Starlight Glimmer’s flank. Clapping the lid on the bottle and giving it an evaluating look, she placed it to one side before continuing. “Instead, you decided to remain a scorpion, and sting me when you saw an opportunity.”

“W-what’s h-happening to me?” stammered Starlight Glimmer, trying to move her hooves only to find them stiffening and fixed to the stone she was standing on.

“Although I may be old and foolish for trusting you, my faithful student convinced me to take certain precautions. After being subjected to your spell, she devised a way to mirror the effects of it and reflect it back upon the caster. She is truly one of Equestria’s brightest minds, and although you fooled me and you fooled her once, you did not fool her a second time. She placed the spell on me this evening before we met, and is waiting back in the castle for our meeting to conclude.” Celestia tisk’ed under her breath. “She will be so disappointed. She also had high hopes for exploring the ramifications of your spell with you, but now all she will be able to do is to study the cutie mark that was the driving force behind it.”

With an evaluating glance at how rapidly the petrification spell had reached Starlight Glimmer’s chest, Celestia decided to condense the rest of her lesson. “You first saw my garden statuary as a symbol of my triumphs. It is not. Each and every one of them is a sign of my failure, although most are the work of truly talented sculptors rather than petrification. Some of those who have been confined here have been redeemed, such as Discord, so there is hope, even for you. Perhaps in a few centuries, Twilight will release you and restore your cutie mark, once she has learned how to deal with the ramifications of it and you have learned your lesson. Until then, you must decide how you will face your future. It is the only decision you will make for a very, very long time.”

* * *

Long after the moon had risen and the stars were properly put into their places, the cobblestone path leading into the private Royal Gardens was trod by an elegant dark alicorn, who drifted up behind Princess Celestia and remained silent for a long time.

“Hello, Luna,” said Celestia without turning around.

“Good evening, my sister,” said Luna. “When thou didst not return from the gardens before this eve’s Royal Duty, Twilight and I were somewhat concerned.”

“I’m old,” said Celestia. “Eventually I’m going to fail, and everypony will get hurt. I was so certain that Starlight Glimmer was going to see the light and turn from her power-hungry ways. If it were not for Twilight Sparkle, I would have unleashed a monster.”

“You did much the same long ago, and Equestria survived my folly. You yourself told me to trust in harmony and not to worry about the myriad of disasters that await in our future. We shall face them together, one night at a time, until it is our turn to pass into history and allow others to take our places, dear sister.” Luna nodded at the statue, standing cold and white in the moonlight. “Your latest failure, Celly?”

“Yes. No. I’m not certain.” A glowing jar with a cutie mark sat by Celestia’s side, and she rested a hoof on it as she talked. “So much potential, and yet she could not turn aside from her mad desire for power. Perhaps Twilight Sparkle will be able to use her magic for a good purpose, and in a few centuries…”

The two Royal Sisters regarded the statue for a long while before Luna remarked, “At least she knew how she wanted to be remembered for the rest of eternity.”

There was no response from the moonlit statue of the unicorn with an equal sign for a cutie mark, except for her motionless grin.

Week 3: Cheerilee's Thousand Tribute - The Ooze at the Bottom of the Bin

Week 3: Cheerilee's Thousand Tribute - The Ooze at the Bottom of the Bin

For the S5 EqD Writer’s Training Ground

After consulting with xjuggernaughtx, and determining that it would not fit correctly into his fantastic Cheerilee’s Thousand series, I’ve decided to put this forward, not as an actual canon chapter in his excellent series, but instead a small sub-branch of an orthogonal dimension of the main My Little Pony universe in which waiters actually show up at your table and take your order when you are seated instead of an hour or two later. Presented for your enjoyment (you cruel, sadistic monsters) is a tribute to his masterpiece, what I like to think of as:

Waiter, There’s A Slime in my Soup

To Cheerilee’s continuing amazement, this was not the worst date she had ever been on. In fact, it might not have even made the top ten list, provided the memory spell she had been liberally dosed with several times this year allowed her to remember some of the more pertinent portions of her experiences and the reams of security agreements she had been forced to sign would allow her to write any of them down.

Dusty Bins was a rather bland stallion of a dark tan color and a darker mane, so plain in fact that Cheerilee had completely overlooked him as a date until she had spotted him emptying the school dumpster yesterday morning. She liked to think that it was not desperation that drove her to fling open the window and shout at him before he could get away, but she was starting to wonder. Actually she had stopped wondering several weeks ago and simply filed the concept under ‘Taxes And Other Things I’m Ignoring Unless Absolutely Necessary.’

The restaurant had taken her request for a reservation this evening with their usual aplomb. An extra employee was standing by with a fire extinguisher, a pegamedic was on-call at one of the back tables just in case a quick trip to the hospital was in order, and several of the waiters were wearing their Team Chez Gérard lacrosse gear, complete with helmets and a few strapped-on pillows.

Ignoring the odd behavior of the waitstaff, Dusty Bins was chatting along at a good pace, much as if he did not get much practice talking to other ponies and was attempting to get as much conversation in as he could before the opportunity was gone. If that had been the extent of their interaction while waiting for the staff to dart within range of their table with some something other than a few breadsticks thrown in their direction, she would have been deliriously happy.

Not quite.

There was a plus-one at their date, who had not been invited along because Cheerilee was not aware of its existence before the date had started, although she was fully aware of it now. To be polite, Dusty Bins had a certain ‘air’ about him, a refined⁽*⁾ mix of aromas and scents from his refuse collection job that clung to him with the frantic desperation of the chronically possessive, wandering only far enough away to stun the olfactory senses of any nearby ponies before cringing back to his oily hide. At first, Cheerilee had thought perhaps a dead skunk had been suffocated by a bottle of perfume and left to rot for a few weeks outside her house when he had arrived promptly as scheduled and she had opened the door. Pure instink had driven her outside, down the stairs, and off into town with Dusty right behind, because if he had paused even for a moment inside her house, she felt certain the end result would have involved a bottle of lamp oil, a match, and close examination of her homeowner’s fire insurance policy in order to make the premise habitable again.

(*) Much like a real chemical refinery would have smelled if all of the valves were opened at once while spraying it with a flamethrower.

She could get through this, even if all Bins could talk about was his work. Recycling was interesting, and educational to boot. Usefully classroom time could be gained through this date, or at least that was what she kept thinking while her nostrils plugged up by themselves in a futile attempt at self-defense. Besides, if she bailed out of this date without getting something to eat to counter her stress, she was going to explode.

Four dress sizes so far and no keepers. At this rate I’ll be the fattest and loneliest school teacher at my retirement party.

“…so that’s why keeping your plastics separated from the glass is so important for proper…” Bins turned his head to look at the restaurant front door. “Hey, I didn’t know there were going to be any celebrities here tonight.”

Having Bins talk about something other than sorting trash was a pleasant interruption in Cheerilee’s attempt to reduce her breathing to a tranquil Zen state, and the ponies in question were indeed worth a polite glance, and even a long, impolite stare for the draconequus with them.

“Fluttershy, Discord, and somepony else,” said Cheerilee, suddenly realizing that the air she had just wasted on speaking was going to have to be replaced somehow.

“Not just somepony else,” said Dusty Bins in a breathy whisper. “Her.”

“Princess Celestia?” Cheerilee looked around, taking the opportunity to lean far away from the table and get a quick breath of somewhat less-tainted air.

“Not her.” Dusty Bins curled up his lip and looked as if he had actually managed to smell his own reeking odor. “Celestia still mixes her wastepaper with cake crumbs. Tree Hugger. She’s a legend in the EOD.”

Mistaking Cheerilee’s somewhat pinking expression for curiosity, Bins continued, “Equestrian Order of the Dumpster. All of us Trash Hau—” He coughed into one hoof. “I mean Recycling Management Specialists belong. Miss Tree Hugger had a full section in our last newsletter. Five year rolling average of twelve grams per week of trash, with everything else being composted or recycled.” He clutched his napkin with revolutionary zeal. “Do you think she’s signing autographs?”

“Why, yes I am,” purred Discord, unrolling out of Dusty Bin’s napkin with an inked quill in one paw/claw and uncoiling until he stood beside the table. “We famous draconequi are always happy to—”

It appeared that Gods of Chaos and Disorder had just as functional noses as school teachers. Discord froze in place as his nostrils both fell from his face and flew around the room to the sound of deflating balloons. He pulled a giant rubber stamp out from behind his back and slammed it down on Bin’s napkin before yanking on his goatee and rolling up like a blind with a flash of violet light and a few small flakes of confetti.

“To my biggest fan,” read Bins as he held up the napkin, which was blowing out a stream of air from the inky fan blades that ruffled his mane and left a few precious untainted breaths of air to Cheerilee. “Maybe I can get her to write on the back of the napkin,” he mused. “It would be recycling, and dames like that.”

Cheerilee took a sideways look at the bouquet of wilted flowers that he had brought along on the date. ‘Beloved Parent’ could just barely be seen on the side, as if the words had been rather hastily scraped off, and she was sincerely hoping that he had not acquired his suit at the same funeral parlor.

Fluttershy and Tree Hugger continued their discussion, oblivious to Dusty Bin’s longing look in their direction, as Discord slipped out the front door of the restaurant, returning in a moment with…

Something.

It looked like a slime mold wearing a hat and a bow tie, a prime example of dictyostelium discoideum if she remembered her lessons at Canterlot Academy correctly. The family of dictyostelids had been such a fascinating subject in school that she had considered it as a career, and still used her training in the field to help identify the various creatures that Snips and Snails brought in for Show-and-Tell every week.

Despite not having eyes, or a face for that matter, the ‘Smooze’ as Discord was calling it seemed to be looking at her, perhaps attracted by the glittering necklace that Dusty Bins had given her earlier. It was a valuable gift no matter where he had dug it up (literally), and it reminded her of the ongoing date.

Unfortunately, it did not seem to remind Cheerilee’s date of her own existence. Dusty Bins continued to look at where Discord, Fluttershy and Tree Hugger were engaged in vigorous conversation, holding the napkin in one hoof and poised to dart out at any opportunity to get it signed by his heroine. Tree Hugger seemed fascinated by Discord, sitting with a distracted smile and sparkling eyes, only contributing to his argument with Fluttershy by the occasional ‘Groovy’ or ‘Not cool.’ The only thing that seemed to bother her was the bowl of carrot sticks at their table, which had been actually sliced instead of being natural, like the cosmic aura of the place truly deserved.

“Your salad, Madam.” Two bowls of leafy salad floated over to their table, propelled by a unicorn water holding a napkin over his muzzle with one hoof. The greenery-filled bowls had barely touched down when Cheerilee buried her nose into the fresh lettuce, taking a quick breath as she ate.

Slow down! Four dress sizes!

Speed up! Can’t hold breath much longer!

She surfaced in a small spray of salad dressing, determined to make her excuses for an early end to a perfect evening except for a sudden desire to wash her mane and correct tests for tomorrow’s class.

Only Dusty Bins was not there.

Well, technically he was there, floating in the center of the luminous green Smooze, who was sitting/engulfing the other chair at the table, as well as somehow blessedly managing to eliminate the awful stench that had been filling the area. The Smooze smiled, ignoring the flailings of the frantic stallion in his innards, and silently slurped the lettuce out of Bin’s salad bowl.

“Oh!” said Cheerilee, sparing a quick glance at Discord, who did not seem to notice that his plus one was snacking at a neighboring table. “Do you like… the salad?”

The Smooze nodded, jiggling as his inner pseudoplasmodium reacted to the kinetic energy of the movement and rolled Dusty Bins around in his gelatinous prison. It was a fascinating example of inertia and fluid dynamics, but Cheerilee felt a little guilty about monopolizing Discord’s date.

Well, she would have felt guilty, if Discord seemed to have even noticed the Smooze had wandered away.

“So,” she started, “do you come here often?”

~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~

Hours later, Cheerilee staggered back to her house, piled the slime-covered dress into her trash bin, and spent some quality time in the yard under the chill spray of her garden hose to wash the worst of the ooze and slime from her coat. After a long hot shower and a gallon of Alfalfa-Crunch ice cream, she slumped down on the couch and marked a check on a long, long list of names.

“That’s it. From now on, it’s multicellular organisms only. He was all flagella, all night.”

Author's Note

With great thanks to xjuggernaughtx and his wonderful series.

Week 4: Phineas and Ferb Tribute - Gummy the Gator, Agent of O.W.A.C.A.

Week 4: Phineas and Ferb Tribute - Gummy the Gator, Agent of O.W.A.C.A.

For the S5 EqD Writer’s Training Ground

When Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie return to Ponyville to tell Twilight Sparkle all about their trip, they each have a somewhat odd idea of what Gummy has been up to while they were gone. A tribute to the last episode of Phineas and Ferb, which will air June 12, 2015.

“For the last time, Pinkie. Your pet didn’t do anything at all while you and Rainbow Dash were off at Griffonstone.”

Twilight Sparkle frowned at her friends, who were both putting away cake as fast as Pinkie’s flashing cake slicer could serve. To their sides, each of their pets had their own plate with a small piece of cake, although they were working their way through the calories at a microscopic rate compared to their owners.

“Are you kidding, Twilight.” Rainbow Dash swallowed her last piece of cake and waved at the little toothless alligator. “Who do you think made this cake?”

“Pinkie Pie!” shouted Twilight Sparkle. “She made it before you two left on your trip.”

“Well,” said Pinkie Pie, “who do you think made this mess in the kitchen?”

“You did!” said Twilight Sparkle with an explosive sigh. “Gummy doesn’t have a secret door into an underground bunker, or a spy job, or… whatever else. He’s just—” Twilight waved a hoof at the impassive alligator “—there.”

“Don’t be silly, Twilight.” Pinkie Pie scooped the little alligator up and gave him a hug. “Gummy is the most extra-special alligator in all of Equestria, so he has the most exciting job ever! I’ll bet after we left…”

* * *

The door to Sugarcube Corner had barely shut when Gummy jumped off the table, sliding down a nearby mop handle and through a secret door leading to a long slippery-slide with several loop-de-loops into his underground bunker. Landing in a chair at the bottom of the slide, Gummy put his fedora on and clicked the viewscreen. Whatever it was that made O.W.A.C.A.⁽*⁾ send a signal to the Crystal Map in order to get Pinkie Pie out of the way must have been of critical importance, if the appearance of Major Monogram, a fiercely mustachioed walrus glaring out of the viewscreen was any indication.

“Ah, there you are, Agent G. We just learned that Doctor Hoofenschmirtz has just stolen a giant dentist drill and plans on—”

* * *

“Wait a minute!” shouted Twilight Sparkle. “Secret doors and bunkers? I’ve never seen anything like that in Ponyville.”

“Well, duh, Twilight! If you saw them, they wouldn't be very secret now, would they?”

“It’s impossible!” Twilight waved at Rainbow Dash, who had just finished off her last piece of cake and was wiping her mouth on the back of her foreleg. “Tell her, Rainbow.”

“Oh, yeah.” Rainbow Dash stifled a belch. “Twilight’s perfectly right, Pinkie.”

“See!” declared Twilight Sparkle.

“He wouldn’t have enough time because of his other job.”

“Right!” said Twilight. “Wait a minute. What other job?”

“Well, you remember Mare Do Well, and how she helped me save Ponyville from that flood, and that collapsing building, right?” Rainbow Dash plowed ahead before Twilight could get a word in edgewise. “Well, late at night…”

* * *

Dressed in a skin-tight leotard, The Green Avenger slipped through the shadows of the afternoon sunshine and into his secret lair, filled with high-tech gadgets. Evil was on the prowl again, and only the Dynamic Duo would be able to thwart it the way it needed thwarting. GA scanned through his technological gadgets, past the wrist-mounted thwarter, the jet-propelled thwarter, and the Thwart-Mobile, over to the rocket sled in the corner.

The Thwart-Jet.

* * *

“Wait just a minute, Rainbow Dash!” Twilight Sparkle waved a hoof in indignation. “That’s not what thwart means!”

“I dunno, Twilight,” said Pinkie Pie, holding up a hoof. “I had a thwart on my leg once, and it took a doctor with his freezy gadget to thwart it right off.”

Twilight Sparkle paused. “Never mind, Rainbow. You were saying?”

* * *

In mere moments, The Green Avenger had finished dressing in his high-tech crimefighting gear with all kinds of thwart gadgets to use against evil-doers. With a touch to his jet belt, he flew out of the window and into the sky, where he met up with his partner in crime fighting, Iron Tortoise. Together, they patrolled through the crime-ridden skies of the Ponyville metropolis, seeking out dire criminals and thwarting crimes that mere law-enforcement was helpless to stop.

* * *

“Rainbow Dash!” An exasperated alicorn thwapped her friend over the head with a wingtip. “Ponyville is not a crime-ridden metropolis! You don’t even know what a metropolis is. Or a thwart! Besides, I was here! I know exactly what Gummy was up to.”

* * *

On a table in the middle of Sugarcube Corner, a small green alligator with a wisk in his mouth sat patiently, waiting for his owner to return.

After an hour, he blinked.

Several blinks later, it got dark.

Several more blinks later, it got light again.

* * *

“And then Rainbow and I came home and ate the cake!” declared Pinkie Pie. “You’re pretty good at this, Twilight. You just left the part out where Gummy fights crime as an international superspy.”

Rainbow Dash nodded. “Or where he’s a cool superhero alongside the most fantastic crimefighter the world has ever known.”

“Chickenman?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“No!” scoffed Rainbow Dash. “The Iron Tortoise.”

“I know what!” Pinkie Pie danced around Rainbow with Gummy hanging onto her mane. “We can see if the rest of our pets want to be crimefighters too! Angel could be The Nth Bunny, master of Chop Fu!”

“And Owlowiscious could be The Questioner!” said Rainbow Dash, too caught up in the moment to pay any attention to Twilight Sparkle in the middle of an epic facehoof.

“And Winona could be Golden Retriever, the Master of Fetch!” said Pinkie Pie, bouncing out the door with Rainbow Dash in pursuit. “We could have the entire JLA⁽¹⁾.”

Drifting back on the breeze, she could barely make out “What about Opalescence as Wildcat? Rarity would want in on this too. After all, she gets to make the costumes.”

“And I get to be Mechamegamaid, Cleaner of Kitchens,” groused Twilight Sparkle as she ran a quick magical scrubcloth over the batter and frosting splattered room. “All of my friends are crazy. I’m just glad they were crazy before they met me, or I’d be worried that I’m rubbing off on the—”

Twilight Sparkle paused in her cleanup with a ball of trash held over the wastebin. After a little extra wiggling to her magic, she extracted a small, plain hat out of the collected debris and regarded it with suspicion.

“No. No way. They have got to be pranking me again.”

Still, she turned the small fedora around in her magic and considered just how easily it would fit on the head of a small toothless alligator, while also considering the possibility that perhaps she had been worrying too much about driving her friends crazy, and not enough about them driving her in that same direction.

Eventually she sat the hat down on a back shelf, right next to a loose section of the wall she refused to look at very closely, before heading out the door on the way to Rarity’s house.

She had a wonderful costume idea for Owlowiscious.

(*) Organization Without A Cool Acronym.

(1) Just’a Lotta Animals from Captain Carrot and his Zoo Crew comic series. (Looking for the trade paperbacks of this)

Author's Note

References:
Nth Bunny: I have the entire Nth Man comic collection. It’s very weird and good.

The Questioner: Love the way DC portrays The Question in JLA. The JLA with people, not animals. (see above)

Also in honor of Dick Orkin of Chickenman and Tooth Fairy fame, founder of the Radio Ranch. He's still alive and kicking.

Week 5: Castle Sweet Castle - And Now A Message From Our Sponsors

Week 5: Castle Sweet Castle — And Now A Word From Our Sponsors

For the S5 EqD Writer’s Training Ground

The new season of My Little Pony is bringing something a little different to make Twilight Sparkle’s new castle seem more like a home.

Product placements.

The first rays of sunlight poured through the open castle windows and directly into Princess Twilight Sparkle’s eyes. Even turning around in bed did little to avoid the brilliant light, as the reflective surfaces of her new home managed to put the light straight between her closed eyelids until she groped around with her magic and pulled the blind cords. As the heavy fabric swept over the open windows, she staggered to a sitting position and rubbed a hoof over her eyes.

“It’s a good thing we took advantage of the sale at Mister Mape’s Custom Blinds and Drapes last week, isn’t it Spike? We saved over 50% from factory direct price on the entire castle, and even got free installation. Spike?”

Twilight looked around the empty bedroom for Spike, but other than a somewhat large and still warm depression on the mattress next to her, there was no sign of the little dragon.

“That’s odd,” she added, patting the still-warm mattress. “I’m normally up before he is. I guess this Sealy Thaumopedic Mattress let me sleep in longer this morning. You know what they say, a good night’s sleep on Sealy’s best can help you experience your very best…” She blinked and took another look around the room. “Why do I feel like I need to stretch and call out ‘Wake up Equestria’ while looking out the window with my mane blowing in the breeze? Oh, wait. Spike wrote me a note on the finest ultrawhite bond cotton mix from Wherehouser, the only paper that Princesses all over Equestria use for the most important messages.”

She paused with the note held suspended in her magic before deliberately looking down and reading it, determined not to spew any more commercial messages.

Dear Twilight,
There have been a few dramatic changes in this season. Although we didn’t get much advance notification, I’m sure you’ll like the end result. Please roll with them, and I’ll see you at breakfast.

Love you,
GG

Flipping the paper over, she began searching the nightstand for a quill, eventually grabbing something somewhat different. “Ah, HA! I’ll write a letter to Princess Celestia using this Model 51 Barker Pen with electro-polished point, the finest ever from the Diamond Dog empire and on sale now at Rich’s Bargain Barn for only what am I saying! What is going on? I know I was researching memory spells last night, but I didn’t think I had wiped out anything really important.”

A faint wisp of a delightful odor wafted up from downstairs and Twilight immediately perked up. “Coffee! Yes, coffee will help me wake up, and after all, the best part of waking up, is Foalgers in your cup.” Twilight paused and waited for the musical accompaniment to fade away before walking deliberately out of the bedroom, down the staircase and along the corridor that lead to the castle kitchen. It had been a very confusing morning so far, and her habit of talking to herself was not helping, particularly when she paused next to a corridor window to absent-mindedly ask, “That doesn’t smell like our normal coffee.”

“We’ve secretly replaced Princess Twilight Sparkle’s regular coffee with decaffeinated Foalger’s crystals — Urk!” The announcer pegasus struggling in Twilight’s magical grasp kicked several times to no avail as she pinned him against the ceiling and snarled in a voice that was only one step away from cold-blooded murder. One very small step.

“I want COFFEE! Not decaffeinated, not crystals, not instant, COFFEE! I love my coffee in the morning! If you think you’re going to take away my coffee—”

“You sound tense,” the announcer managed to gurgle before Twilight pinned him even more solidly against the ceiling and began to squeeze.

“I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know what you’re doing in my castle, and I don’t know why you want to take away the one thing that makes my mornings livable, but I do know what I want. I want—”

“You want a fine cup of mountain-grown Columburroian coffee,” sounded a rich and deep voice just outside of the open window. A small grey burro nodded at Twilight as she whirled around, and the burro reached over his shoulder to take the steaming cup of coffee handed to him by a small monkey perched on his back. “Hand picked by my Juan every morning, it is the richest coffee in Equestria. Try a cup, Princess, and you will agree.”

She magicked the cup away from the burro with no small trepidation, and took a cautious sip.

And then another, somewhat longer and more intense than the first, which also corresponded with her tossing the struggling announcer pegasus out the window.

“Thank you. May I have your name?” she growled between sips.

“Conchita,” the burro responded with a nod of her head. “And my faithful macaque, Juan.”

She floated the empty cup back over to the monkey, who filled it with coffee and allowed her to float it back. Taking another sip, she resumed her trip to the kitchen with an appreciative sigh.

“Now that’s fresh mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Columburia.”

After a brief trot down the corridor and a sharp right turn into the small castle kitchen, Twilight Sparkle paused at the breakfast table and considered her next words, preferably non-commercial ones. Spike was sitting next to the three Cutie Mark Crusaders, obviously caught in the middle of a conversation as Apple Bloom said, “Let’s give it to Spike.”

“Yeah,” agreed Sweetie Belle, pushing a bowl of cereal over to the little dragon. “He’ll eat it. He’ll eat anything.”

“What are you trying to feed Spike! Give me that!” Twilight grabbed the bowl of cereal away from Spike and took a quick nibble.

“She likes it!” declared Sweetie Belle.

“It’s not bad,” said Twilight. “What are you three doing at our breakfast table this morning?”

Scootaloo puffed out her chest so far she looked like a little orange bird for a moment. “I wanted our first breakfast as a family to include my best friends. After you picked me up yesterday at the shelter and adopted me, I thought I would make this breakfast something special. I’ve never had a real family before, and now I’ve got a princess for a mother! A princess is really the best thing to ever happen to a shelter pegasus!”

Princess Twilight Sparkle paused with a mouthful of the cinnamon cereal unchewed in her mouth while her brain cells attempted to remember yesterday. There was something about a ceremony, and signing something, along with a lot of hugging and kissing that slowly worked its way up through the residue of the memory spells she had been researching. Still, there was something else that was bothering her, something she had forgotten but was tickling away at the edges of her mind. The sight of a bottle on the table triggered part of a memory, and she picked up the syrup to consider the label.

“Give your pancakes what they deserve and top them with the classic taste of Aunt Neighmima® Original Syrup. This rich and thick syrup is the perfect way to top a stack of delectable and what am I saying! We don’t even have any pancakes!”

“Did somepony say pancakes?” A hefty green earth pony shouldered his way forward, carrying a heaping stack of pancakes on a large platter which he sat down in the middle of the table to the admiring cries of the hungry breakfast bunch. “Be careful. They’re hot. Those on that side of the platter are Spike’s ruby-sprinkled stack from the Ruby Mill at Manehattan, where all of their rubies are hoof-picked for the highest quality. Then we have Apple Bloom’s apple-flavored straight from the trees of Sweet Apple Acres, the best apples in all of Equestria. Then we have Scootaloo’s Strawberry Fields U-Pick Berry Barn and Sweetie Belle’s delicious whole-wheat from our friends at the Wheaton Flour Mill and Bakery. And over here, from the freshest of Hoofington’s blueberry bushes, get yours this week while they’re at the peak of freshness, we have a complete stack of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s blueberry pancakes with sprinkles for my beautiful bride.”

The green stallion kissed Twilight right on the lips for a blissfully long time, despite a number of somewhat critical comments from the rest of the youthful breakfast crew. Eventually, he drew back and gave her a long and loving look to the point where Twilight could see her reflection in the sparkles of his dark eyes. “So, dear. How do you like the new season so far?”

“I could learn to like it,” replied Twilight, leaning forward for another kiss.

Week 6: Slice of Life - Lyra and Bon Bon Are Just Best Friends. Honest.

Week 6: Slice of Life - Lyra and Bon Bon Are Just Best Friends. Honest.

Week 6: Slice of Life - Lyra and Bon Bon Are Just Best Friends. Honest.

For the S5 EqD Writer’s Training Ground

Bon Bon comes clean about her past. Now it’s Lyra’s turn.

Run, Lyra. Run.

“I can’t believe you’ve been to all of those amazing places and met all of those fantastic ponies, Bon Bon… or should I say Agent Sweetie Drops.”

Lyra nuzzled her ‘best friend’ behind one ear and delighted in the bright pink blush that rapidly swept across her face. Meeting this mare, no matter what her history, had been the best thing that had happened to Lyra in an eternity, and she was determined to make every single day better than the one that came before. Returning the nuzzle after a few delightful moments of blushing, Bon Bon gave Lyra a little nip on the ear that always sent a thrill of excitement up one leg and down the other.

“I’ve shown you mine,” she whispered. “Now it’s your turn.”

“Huh?” That tremble of passion that had quivered on Lyra’s flank turned ever-so-slowly into a cold drip of nervous sweat. “My turn for what, Sweetie?”

“For telling me your secrets, Harpsie.” Bon Bon flopped down on her belly and waved her tail back and forth. “You’ve never wanted to talk about your past before, so this would be a good time to get all of those skeletons out of the closet. For example, I didn’t know you were friends with Princess mi Amore Cadenza.”

“We aren’t,” protested Lyra.

“She invited you to be a bridlemaid,” said Bon Bon flatly. “You don’t just pick a pony out of the crowd for that. How did you two become friends?”

“We’re not really friends,” said Lyra. “I covered for her when she was sneaking out of the dorms to go play kissy face with Shining Armor and she bailed me out of jail a few times.”

“Jail?” Bon Bon clutched a hoof to her mouth in a display of sarcastic overacting. “I didn’t know my roomie had a criminal record.”

“All acquittals,” declared Lyra proudly. “So with that out of the way—”

“You still didn’t tell me why Princess Cadenza picked you as a bridlemaid. Wait a minute.” Bon Bon appeared to be deep in thought. “Queen Chrysalis picked you, didn’t she?”

“Well,” said Lyra grudgingly. “She is my mother.”

“What?! You’re a changeling?”

Lyra nodded while surrounded in green fire, which revealed a young changeling filly once the transformation was complete. “Ever since I was tasked with infiltrating Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, I’ve been doing my mother’s work.”

Bon Bon’s jaw had dropped wide open. “You mean you were spying on me, and knew I was Agent Sweetie Drops?”

“No!” The changeling twisted to one side and burned with green fire again, turning back into Lyra. “My job here was to keep an eye on the Elements of Harmony. I got… distracted. I’ve always been easily distracted,” said Lyra. “Ever since the college neighsball team.”

“I didn’t know you played neighsball?”

“Well…” Lyra trailed off with a smile. “It really depends on your definition of the word ‘played.”

Bon Bon gasped. “You slept with a neighsball team member?”

“The team,” corrected Lyra. “Well all except the pitcher. He was more of a catcher.”

There was a brief moment of silence as Bon Bon gasped for air. “I can’t believe you slept with that many stallions in college!” she finally said.

“I thought you wanted me to be honest?” asked Lyra.

“Well…” Bon Bon calmed down as she considered. “What you did in college isn’t really important, I suppose. So you’re a changeling who has been spying on the Elements of Harmony while living in Ponyville.” She paused again to think. “I can live with that.”

With a sigh of relief, Lyra said, “Good! I was worried that you might have an issue with the way I’ve been collecting love around the town. You don’t have an issue with the way I’ve been collecting love around town, do you?” she added hesitantly.

“As long as you haven’t been sleeping with every stallion you can find, no.” Bon Bon studied Lyra’s expression before placing a hoof firmly on her forehead. “You haven’t.”

“I have,” said Lyra. “Keeping a changeling fed takes a lot of cheap and tawdry relationships, if you can’t tap into the real thing.”

“This had better not be another of your attempts to get at my body in bed, Lyra,” snapped Bon Bon. “Because if it is, you’re sleeping on the couch for the next thousand years.”

“Would I do that?” Lyra paused with one hoof across her chest and regarded the impassive expression on her roommate. “I can’t believe you would condemn a poor changeling to a life of cheap dates and one-night stands just because you don’t want to cuddle.”

“We’re best friends,” said Bon Bon. “Nothing more.”

“We sleep in the same bed,” pointed out Lyra.

“It’s a big bed,” countered Bon Bon.

“But you make such a nice, warm dent in it that I can’t help it if I roll downhill,” said Lyra.

“I’d rather believe you’re a changeling,” said Bon Bon. “I recognized that disguise spell, little Miss Cheesegrater.” She huffed a sharp breath and turned to leave the room. “I hope you have time to think about our relationship while you’re sleeping on the couch!”

~ ~ ~ ♥ ~ ~ ~

Lyra twisted around on the couch in question, attempting to make the short blanket cover both her hooves and her head and failing in a predictable fashion.

“You didn’t have to cut the blanket in half,” called out Lyra across the darkened house.

“Change into something with a warm coat!” shouted back Bon Bon from her locked bedroom. “Now shut up and go to sleep!”

“There are days I wonder why I stay here,” grumbled Lyra, curling up into a ball and wrapping as much of the blanket around her as possible. “Other than it’s my house, I suppose.”

The faint creak of the front door opening preceded a rough whisper from a familiar relative, which Lyra took in with a frustrated sigh.

“You can speak up, mom,” she whispered back. “Bonnie’s locked herself in the bedroom.”

“Again?” asked Queen Chrysalis as she emerged out into the dimly lit living room. “What did you do now?”

“Told her the truth. She didn’t take it well.” Lyra shook her head as the changeling queen ran a holey hoof down her mane. “I must be such a disappointment to you, mom.”

“Three hundred and twelve daughters, and you’re the only one in a stable relationship,” whispered the changeling queen back with a brief kiss to soak up the accumulated love of the last week. “Ummm… She’s tasty. You sure you don’t want to go bar hopping with me tonight? It’s karaoke night.”

“Naa. Go on, mom. She’ll come out around midnight and drag me back to bed like she always does.”

“Suit yourself.” The changeling queen gave her daughter another kiss to soak up any last lingering fragments of excess love and scurried for the door. “I better hurry before all the good ones are taken. Night, night, don’t let the bedbugs bite.”

“Good night, mom.”

Lyra waited until her mother had left and the house was quiet once again before snuggling back down into the couch cushions and waiting for Bon Bon. It promised to be a long wait, but the thin threads of love she could feel drifting out of the bedroom would make it all the more worthwhile.

“Best friends, my thorax,” she muttered with a grin.

Week 7: Princess Spike - Rarity and Spike go to Heck

Week 7: Princess Spike - Rarity and Spike go to Heck

For the S5 EqD Writer’s Training Ground

Rarity and Spike travel to Tartarus to recover a misplaced prince.

Romance does not ensue. Well, much.

(Yeah, it’s late. So?)

Princess Spike - Rarity and Spike go to Heck

It had been a long, silent trip on the train back to Ponyville as Spike and Rarity sat next to each other with the little dragon trying to look in every direction except hers. He had been so troubled after Twilight had woken up from her nap and found the ongoing disaster, and absolutely certain that it was all his fault that a series of totally random coincidences that he had somewhat encouraged by his actions had caused such a kerfuffle. Rarity really did not want to blame the little dragon, but it had been his responsibility, and it was his job to clean up afterwards.

“I still don’t see why Twilight sent you along with me,” complained Spike. “I could do this by myself, you know.”

“Dearest Spike,” started Rarity with a flicker of eyelashes that always disarmed the grumpy little dragon whenever he was in one of his ‘moods.’ “What kind of friend would I be if I left you go on this dangerous journey all by yourself?”

“I’ve done this before with Twilight and Princess Celestia,” said Spike with a huff. “It’s not all that big a deal.”

“Still, it could be dangerous,” warned Rarity. “Besides, even if you’ve been here several times, I’ve never visited even once.”

“Never?” The little dragon perked up. “Would you like a tour? It’s a little scary if you’ve never been here before, but I’ll protect you.”

“That would be wonderful, Spike,” said Rarity.

* * *

After leaving Ponyville, they walked down the narrow road side-by-side as Spike began cast nervous glances up at his escort. After due consideration, Rarity finally asked, “Is there something wrong, Spikie?”

“I just… Well, I don’t… You aren’t angry at me for this, are you. I had the best of intentions.”

“Spike, you know the road to Tartarus is paved with good intentions. It’s right there on the sign.” She pointed at a small sign next to the road that read ‘Good Intentions - Next 3’

“It’s just…” Spike twisted to look away as they walked. “I know you wanted to tell him first.”

“True.” Rarity walked for a while, sucking on her bottom lip to aid in concentration while Spike was looking the other way. “I really had considered saying it, and I really wanted to say it. A proper lady does not say such things, particularly to him. Even if he is a brute,” she added with a derisive sniff.

“So it was ok for me to say it then?” Spike looked hopeful, and she really did not like having to crush his little spirit, so she settled for a brief squeeze, both physical and conversational.

“That you did say it is the second most important point,” she admitted. “That you realize that it was wrong, even if it felt right, is the most important point. Suppose he was hurt on the way here. Or attacked by a manticore and choked it to death with his fat head. Fluttershy would have been horribly upset.”

“So it was wrong, even though it felt right, and I should be sorry for it, even though he deserved it and more. Right?”

Rarity considered the point for a while as they walked. “You don’t have to be sorry for it,” she corrected, “only realize that it was wrong and that you shouldn’t do it again. So how much further is the entrance,” she added, trying to change the subject.

“We’re almost there,” said Spike. “Just remember when we get there to watch out for the—”

A stentorian barking tore through the peaceful woods as an immense dog with three heads burst out of the trees and glared down at them. One head darted forward at Spike, one at where Rarity stood frozen in fear in the middle of the road, and the third remained where it was, dripping saliva around a bright red ball in its mouth.

“You are such a good doggie, yes you are! C’mere, you big lovable critter, you.” Spike crawled up on top of one head and began scratching vigorously behind the ear as the head over Rarity began to drool long strands of gooey slobber. “Go ahead and throw the ball, Rarity. He likes that.”

“Ball?” squeaked Rarity, trying not to get drooled on and failing as the sodden red object splatted to a halt at her hooves. She worked up her courage and grabbed the slimy thing with her magic, throwing it just as far away as she could get it, followed by the huge multi-headed dog in full howl.

“Whoa,” said Spike as he dug himself out of a nearby bush. “Warn a guy before you do that.”

“Will it be back?” she asked, listening to the crashing in the forest as the dog searched for its toy.

“Normally, Princess Celestia and I play with Cerebus for a while before we go in,” started Spike, motioning to a dark cavern entrance. “But sometimes we’re in a hurry—”

“We’re in a hurry,” blurted out Rarity as she dashed for the entrance, levitating Spike along in her wake. The rustling and crashing out in the woods had stopped, and before the huge dog came bounding back, she had darted into the cave and came to a screeching halt at a small gate with a stunningly beautiful red mare sitting behind it, applying a hoof file to a stubborn rough spot on her right forehoof.

“Picking up or dropping off?” asked the red mare in a low monotone before catching sight of Spike dangling in Rarity’s magic. “Spikies!” The mare bounded over the desk and swept Spike up in a hug with several lipstick-stained kisses immediately following. “Two Equestrians in one day! So what did this one do, Spikies?” The red mare gave Rarity an evaluating glance, and Rarity was shocked to see two short horns poking out of her mane, as well as a long red tail that came to a triangular point.

“She didn’t do anything, Seraphine. This is my friend, Rarity. Rarity, I’d like you to meet Seraphine, Guardian of the Gate.”

“So pleased to meet you,” said Rarity, extending a hoof with a cautious glance at the cave entrance where a huge doggish shadow had just appeared. A sharp sizzle broke her concentration and Rarity hopped backwards, shaking her hoof to cool it down.

“Hey, Hot Stuff,” chided Spike. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“Well, she needs to get used to it, if she’s going to be spending the rest of her life here.” Seraphine smiled, or at least lifted the corners of her mouth to expose numerous sharp white teeth.

“She’s escorting me, Seraphine,” said Spike with somewhat of a huff. “Protecting me from anything dangerous while I go pick up your latest guest.”

“Is his sentence up already?” Seraphine bounded back over her desk and hoofed through the book. “He really doesn’t have a due date. I was going to drop by and see him in five years when I get a day off.” She waggled one eyebrow at Spike. “Give him a taste of some hot plot.”

“He was sent here by accident,” explained Spike while Rarity blew on her smoldering hoof and considered just how much she really wanted to see the proposed romantic liaison. Preferably while holding a stick with a marshmallow on it.

“Accident, huh?” Seraphine shuffled a few papers around on the desk and looked innocent. “So you want me to lose the paperwork, have him reassigned, and see just how long it takes before anypony notices him missing?”

Yes!

“No,” said Spike with obvious reluctance. “We just need to pick him up and take him back home. Today.”

“After he plays with Cerebus for a while,” added Rarity. The excited bark from outside indicated agreement from at least one of the two parties.

“I suppose,” said Seraphine, pulling out some papers and hoofing them over to Rarity. “If I can just get you to sign on the line, I’ll open the gate and— Hey!”

Spike’s flame engulfed the paperwork and whisked it out the cavern entrance and away to Canterlot. Rarity was unsure if she was more shocked at the sudden blaze or Spikey-Wikey’s incredible control. Not even one hair on her coat was even singed, while the only thing left was the coal-black quill still dripping with a dark red substance she preferred not to think about.

“A girl has the right to try,” groused Seraphine as she swung the gates open and nodded while they strolled through.

* * *

“Tartarus seems to be an… interesting place,” remarked Rarity once they had gotten far enough away from the entrance for her to speak again.

“You haven’t seen any of it yet,” gushed Spike. “Wait until you see the Exploding Fire Fountains, or the Lake of Eternally Burning Pitch, or even The Pit of Endless Agony.”

“I… see,” said Rarity, trying to keep a brave face. “Is that where you sent him?”

“Actually, no.” Spike kicked a small pebble out of the way, which grew legs, yelped, and scurried off into the darkness. “I sent him to the lame side. There’s really nothing there to see other than the Pools of Tepid Water, the Smoldering Pits of Somewhat Rounded Rocks, and the Library of Insufficient Light.” He suppressed a shudder. “Twilight hates that place. Princess Celestia has to search her everytime we come here to make sure she doesn’t smuggle in a lantern.”

Rarity nodded. Endless torture for an eternity tended to be rather variable depending on the subject. “Still, I suppose tourism should wait until a second trip when we can linger a little longer. Let’s just focus on retrieving our errant knight for now. Where do you think he is?”

Spike shrugged. “It’s Tuesday, so he’s probably at the spa.”

“The spa?” Rarity’s eye twitched. “This place has a spa?”

* * *

It certainly seemed to be a spa, at least from the outside and considering the environment. A river of steaming mud flowed into one end of the building and out the other, seeming somehow more dirty on the exit than the entrance. A dismal sign in dull grey letters proclaimed ‘spa’ over the front door, which hung on one hinge and dropped little bits of decaying wood whenever a customer dragged themselves in or out past the three or four grey ponies chain smoking cigarettes just outside.

“A spa,” said Rarity for the uncounted time, only this time adding a curious look at the little dragon and a question. “What was that, Spike?”

The little dragon looked away and scuffed one foot in the loose pumice of the path. “I said you would have told him exactly what I did.”

Taking a deep breath of cigarette-tainted air, Rarity bent down to look Spike in the eyes. “No, Spike. I may have wanted to tell him, and possibly dreamed about it at times, but there is a difference between wanting something that you cannot have and wanting something within your reach.”

“Oh.” A certain amount of fire seemed to die out in the dragon, but was encouraged back into flame when Rarity bent forward just a smidge more and kissed Spike right on the forehead. “Oh?”

“I’m very glad I decided to travel with you today, Spike.” Rarity smiled. “And you’re right. I couldn’t have told him what you did.” She kissed him again on exactly the same spot. “Thank you.”

“So…” Spike failed to hide a growing smile, but Rarity placed one hoof on his lips.

“So.” She gestured towards the blocky spa with one hoof. “A gentlecolt gets the door for his lady.”

“As you wish!” Spike darted forward through the chain-smoking staff to swing the door open and followed behind as Rarity proceeded into the run-down and shabby building. It took a very short time to find their prey, as a group of elderly mares who each outweighed Rarity by an even multiple of her weight surrounded the handsome stallion. Blueblood had taken refuge in the ‘hot’ tub and was huddled away from the promises of kisses and ‘other’ favors from his admirers.

“Prince Blueblood, I presume,” said Rarity with only the hint of a smile. “I’m sorry, ladies. His Highness is needed back at the castle.

“But Princess Twilight told me to go here,” whined Blueblood.

“I’m sorry, Prince Blueblood,” said Spike. “I was the one who told you to go to Heck.”