Anon's Bizarre Adventure(s): Story is Unwritable.by TrekkieAnonChaptersChapter 1: Homoerotic Tendency Chapter 2: STANDING HERE, I REALIZE, how dumb this is.Chapter 3: Return of the AnonChapter 1: Homoerotic Tendency Chapter 1: Homoerotic Tendency So, you already know that Anonymous, the most badassiest badass motherfucker in all of Equestria banged 6 hot chicks that have fairy tale magical powers and married them right? And put the bun in their ovens with his baby batter right? AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME, right? YOU WANNA KNOW HOW? WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK, ASSHOLE! GATHER AROUND AND SIT ON MY FUCKING LAP KIDS, because its motherfucking story time that will blow your inferior mind. Well, that clears the introduction, here goes the story. You are Anonymous, you were an average Joe, you enjoyed the simple life. You got a job that isn't shitty, you had many friends, you liked things like video games and movies and booze, but no girlfriend or wife, not that you really wanted to get married or have kids or anything. Why the fuck would you want to waste your time and money on a damn nagging woman and a brat? Anyway, all that simple life changed on that faithful day. Its Friday night, usually you would go hang out with bros and have a drink and do stupid shit. Well, not today, you decide to hit the sack early. You are all tucked in and relaxed, but you suddenly feel a rumble and hear weird noises. You shout couple of shits and fucks, this is obviously an earthquake. You panic, you quickly jump out of the bed and reach for your door. It doesn't budge, you think about getting a hammer to break it open. Then you notice that the rumbling and the apocalyptic noises stopped. Whew, that was not good for your heart. You look out the window, you expected the night sky with the full moon, but no. You see some kind of weird Doctor Who shit going on outside. Before you can figure out what the hell is going on, you slowly feel weightless, then everything falls like you are skydiving with your entire apartment. "SHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!" Your entire apartment free-falls for what feels like 10 minutes with you screaming your fucking lungs out, you are clutching your toaster with all your might. Then you notice you are not falling anymore, in fact, everything is completely still. You stand up, run towards the door and open it up. First thing you see is what looks like an intro scene of a Walt Disney cartoon movie, sunshine and rainbows, cute wooden houses, clear blue sky, and flowers and shit. Next thing you see is a group of 6 girls just staring at you silently. "What the fuck is going on?" you ask them. "I think I might have screwed up something." says the purple haired girl with a small horn and wings. What the fuck? A horn? Wings? You notice that they are all humans, but some of them have wings and horns. You pinch your nipples to see if you are dreaming, you are not, you are not. "Check out dem abs!" says the Rainbow haired one with wings. Abs? you check out your body, you didn't wear a t-shirt before sleeping because it was hot. You check your reflection in your window. You are surprised to see your body now looks like Chris Hemsworth's(you know, Thor from the Avengers?). This is like that scene from Spider-man movie when Toby Maguire becomes buff overnight. Oh by the way, it seems your entire apartment came with you, you wonder how your asshole landlord will feel now. After some panicking and screaming later, you hear the full story from the 6 girls. This girl named Twilight Sparkle explains that you are in Equestria, Ponyville. She says that she was conjuring a random spell with help of her friends, she made a mistake and now you are here with your apartment. You also tell them about your home, they seem fascinated, unfortunately all the technology you had in your apartment is useless here. Why everything horse themed, you will never know, they don't know either. Unfortunately you can't go back to your simple life back on earth, this nerd girl screwed something up major and doesn't know how to fix it. You were angry at first, but what can you do? You decide to accept reality and start living in this crazy ass fantasy universe. The lack of technology is frustrating, but few days later, you realized to acquired some kind of bullshit level super powers. Probably because of that magic alternate universe travelling. Even TOILET SPUNKLE couldn't explain how this works. IT JUST WORKS. Now your days as a superhero begins. You start out by saving all the kids from a burning school building, the fire started because some kids that call themselves 'Cutie Mark crusaders' fucked something up, AGAIN. Cutie marks, the tattoo thing that appears on ass cheeks in this universe when kids discover what they are good at or something. You check your ass cheeks time to time to see if anything appears on your ass, nothing, fortunately. More of your heroics followed, you are now the favorite citizen of Ponyville. You have been spending time with the 6 girls that pretty much brought you here. Mainly because they felt sorry because of what they did. You start to suspect that they have the hots for you now probably because of your selfless heroics and newly acquired hot body. All those random ass groping and spankings should mean something. One day, You, Rarity, and Twilight decide to investigate Everfree forest after multiple reports of weird lights and what they thought it was ritualistic music. "You sure this is not some kids throwing some kind of secret rave party?" you ask. "For the last time, Anonymous, I'm sure there is something sinister happening. My books say that something big is about to happen." says Twilight. "Oh come on, prophesies? When do they ever come true?" you ask, did you really have to miss dinner for this? "Last time it was when Nightmare Moon came to Equestria." "Oh." "I understand if you just can't stand this place, darling." says Rarity, while trying to avoid stepping on mud puddles. "Oh this will ruin my heels, perhaps you can be a gentleman and carry me in your arms?" she asks while blinking seductively. "Uh..." "Shh, look!" says Twilight. You hide behind a tree and peek towards the direction Twilight pointed. There are groups of people with black hoods and cloaks on them, like some kind of insane black magic cult. They are gathered in front of an object that is also covered in a large black cloak. "Can you see what they have there?" "...." "Twilight? Rarity?" "Oh my, what a wide back you have." You notice that they are just standing behind you feeling up your back muscles. "Jesus Christ, do you have to joke around now?" you ask impatiently. "Rarity, scoot over a bit, stop hogging him!" "Move yourself! You are the one trying to keep him to yourself." "Christ, they will hear you!" "INTRUDERS!" Too fucking late. The cultists turn their attention to your group. One of them lowers his hood to reveal himself. You see a man with a face that looks like a Ken doll, but with even more exaggerated features, but all that pales in comparison with his hairstyle. He has this exaggerated pompadour that is almost as long as his torso, its a mystery how he was hiding that under the hood. "....what the fuck is with that hair?" you whisper. "Must be a fashion statement." says Rarity, still fondling your back. "Does that thing even obey the laws of physics?" asks Twilight, now fondling your ass. "Princess Twilight herself and two of her lackeys! Unveil yourselves brothers, IT IS TIME!" The cultists immediately throw away their cloaks. You see a scenery that makes you instantly wish you didn't. Dozens of chiseled bodied men, all dressed up like male strippers, striking dramatic poses, and some with each other. They all have similar weird doll like faces with serious looks. "What am I even looking at?" "Oh my..." say the girls at the same time. "and where the hell is that music coming from?" "Oh you wish you'd look this fabulous, bro." says the man with the over-waxed log of hair on his head. This guy is constantly combing his hair, CONSTANTLY. "Not with that atrocious hair that looks like cow manure." scoffs Rarity. You can almost hear the air freeze among the male stripper convention. The rest of them are slowly backing away from him. You see the man slowly crushing his comb in his hands. "Hey Señorita." "Huh?" "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY HAIR?" Mister fashion disaster goes berserk and charges towards Rarity. He is surprisingly quick, but... Before he can reach Rarity, you simply push against his hair, making his punches out of reach. "Dumbass." You karate chop his hair in two before punching him in the face with a force of a truck. You see him fly for a while and land on the floor hard. "Muh....hair." the man mutters before passing out. "Was that hair part really necessary?" asks Twilight. After seeing their comrade fall, the rest of the pride paraders start their attacks. Alright, you had enough of this bullshit. With your bullshit level super powers, you plow through your attackers like a snowmobile. Twilight and Rarity's spells are also doing some serious damage. The cultists are at a loss, seeing their ranks thinning so quickly. "HEY, YOU'RE UP!" shouts one of the cultists. The tallest of the cultists walks towards your group, at least this one is better dressed than the others. He is wearing a cap with his horn sticking out of it, his face looks as if he is constantly pissed off. Rarity giddily approaches the tall unicorn man. "Rarity, what the hell are you doing?" you ask while pummeling a cultist to the ground. "Hello, big and handsome, got any plans tonight?" Rarity asks with her typical seduction mode. "Destroy Ponyville and kill all its residents." the man responds casually. "Oh....what about tomorrow?" The goliath strikes another pose and charges up a spell. It probably something big seeing how he is glowing and sparkling. "Anon, help Rarity!" shouts Twilight. You rush and pick up Rarity in your arms just in time to avoid the big cultist's devastating magic punches. "You alright Rarity?" you ask. "My hero~" giggles Rarity. You put down Rarity and face the towering attacker. "Okay, so whats your deal?" you ask. "I can cast a spell that can stop time." "You can stop time and move around?" you ask. Okay, this might be a really dangerous power. "No." Huh? "Then....whats the point of it?" you ask while scratching your head. "I can still be awake while the time is stopped." You don't hesitate to punch the cultist in the stomach. Any more of this and these guys will infect you with stupid. "You.....bastard." the cultist manages to get back up, at least he is little tougher than others. He starts to make a pose and start charging the same magical punching spell he tried to use on Rarity. Now maybe he will get a bit more serious. He starts throwing series of quick punches, while screaming incoherent noises. You kick him in the family jewels. The cultist feels the shock and falls on the ground head first. "Oh! My! God!" "You know, if you actually aimed and not flail your arms everywhere, you could have hit me." you tell him. At that moment, you dodge a knife thrown at your direction, it kills a cultist behind you. You see a tall blonde man holding multiple knives in his hands. "Ooh, hey handsome, what are your-" here goes Rarity again. "Goddamnit, not again Rarity." Blondie continues to throw knives at you and Rarity, you pick up Rarity again and start dodging them. Each knife that you dodged kills another cultist. This guy ever run out of knives to throw? "How many of your friends did you kill with that circus act?" you ask. "How many times did you masturbate in your life?" he replies with a smug smile. "...." Blondie throws another set of knives at you. This time, you activate your Anonymous-senses(?), catch the knives and throw them back. The knives impale their owner this time. "My only regret is...not killing more of my friends....." What is wrong with these fuckers? "I'm starting to think they aren't as smart as they look...." says Rarity. OH, you think? Things are not looking well for the stripper cultists. Their men are falling and they seem to be running out of body oil to rub themselves. "We have no choice, do 'THAT' now!" One of the cultists walks in front of the cloaked object they were hiding, he shouts something and strikes another pose. "AWAKEN MY MASTER!" Something in the cloak jumps and lands in the middle of the cultists. Its a....man? A huge bodybuilder wearing the scantiest, the most ridiculous male clothing ever. You thought the other guys were bad, this guy tops them all. He is also....glistening? It looks like his body is reflecting the moonlight, must be a barrel load of body oil or something. "Sweet Celestia, I think my eyes are burning." says Twilight while covering her eyes. "No kidding, I didn't know the moonlight can be so bright." you try to squint your eyes from this madness. "And where the hell is that music coming from again?" "Am I the only one aroused right now?" asks Rarity. [To be continued] Author's Note YARE YARE DAZE Chapter 2: STANDING HERE, I REALIZE, how dumb this is."I told you children not to interrupt by beauty sleep unless its an emergency." says the bodybuilder while flexing his muscles. This guy's oily voice makes your skin crawl, its like this guy has been drinking a whole barrels of oil that he didn't use on his body. "But master wizard, we are being attacked!" "Master wizard?" Oh you almost didn't notice the long horn on his forehead. Now the wizard turns his attention to you. "Oh, I see. Princess Twilight, a pleasure to meet you." he says with an aroused laugh. Jesus, this guy for real? "What are you doing here, other than making people uncomfortable?" asks Twilight. "I suppose I could tell you that much....we were merely planning to attack Ponyville and kill everyone in it." "What? Why?" "I don't really have to explain that, because we are going to kill you, Princess." he says, still flexing. "Why don't you try it?!" Twilight teleports near the muscle wizard. "Twilight, no!" you try to run, but the cultists are blocking your way. "Get out of the way assholes!" you punch through the cultists, but there are so many of them. Twilight used Magic Missiles! Its not very effective..... "Why isn't it working?" Twilight is bewildered. The wizard laughs and rips off last bit of clothing covering his chest. Revealing some sort of crystal embedded into where his heart is supposed to be. "MAGIC CRYSTALS, PRINCESS! They harden in response to magical trauma." he smashes the ground. "You can't hurt me Twilight." Twilight readies another spell, but the wizard grabs her by the throat. "Played magic school ball you know!" "At some lousy Unicorn school!" Twilight retorts. "I'm not one of those Unicorn weaklings. I can break Princess Celestia in two, WITH MY BARE HANDS!" "DON'T FUCK WITH THIS WIZARD!" the wizard throws Twilight like a baseball. You manage to catch a screaming Twilight in your arms before she hits the ground. "Damn, you alright Twilight?" you ask. "I think so..." she blushes. Alright, time to end this. You start walking towards the wizard. "HEY YOU!" "Oh my~" says the half naked wizard. He starts scanning you up and down. "Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm, look at you, you might make a fine member of our little coven. What do you say?" "Sorry, I wish to keep my sanity." The wizard and the cultists sneer and laugh at you. "Oh what a shame, you would look fine in one of our specially designed outfits." [Shuddering intensifies] You really can't take this anymore. "Can we skip to the part where I kill you already?" you ask. "Feisty little one aren't you? Very well, I'll finish you off myself." says the wizard. He suddenly makes a real familiar crouching pose. Wait, he is not going to go all kamehameha on you right? The naked wizard starts charging up some kind of magical power ball in his hands, a pretty big one. Yes, he actually is pulling that shit right now, go figure. However, he is not aiming at you, but at Twilight and Rarity. "Sonovabitch!" you make a mad dash to stand between them and the wizard. The huge beam of magic hits you just in time to save Twilight and Rarity. The area of impact explodes with a blue fireball. "ANON!" You emerge from the smoke coughing and trying to clear the smoke away. Your shirt disintegrated with most of your pants. "You asshole, those were my favorites!" "Impossible! how did you survive that?" the wizard asks with a confused look on his face. "Hey, you got your bullshit, I've got mine." "NO MATTER, I will kill you with my bare hands!" shouts the wizard. You put your fists up. Finally, you can end this madness. "Eeeeeee~" squeals Rarity. "What are you so excited about, Rarity?" asks Twilight. "Two hot and burly half-naked men fighting each other?" "Oh." "You won't be able to hurt me anyway, fool, its useless!" says the wizard. You grab him by the throat and start beating the living crap out of him. "WAIT...WAIT!" pleads the wizard. Now his face is swollen and bleeding, his good looks nowhere to be found now. "Whats up?" "You still won't be able to kill me you barbarian, my crystal will heal me back up." he grins. "Oh you mean that thing on your chest?" you ask. You grab the magic crystal on his chest and rip it out, Temple of Doom style. "Maybe you should have worn armor or something to cover that up." you crush his crystal heart in your hands. "Good....point." the wizard spits out his last breath. The wizard collapses on his back. The rest of the cultists look at each other and run away screaming like little girls. "Already?" Rarity asks with a hint of disappointment. "I swear this never happened to me before." Wait, what are you talking about. "So, that is over. I guess Ponyville is safe." Twilight breaths easy now. "Not quite." You quickly turn your head towards the voice. An elderly looking unicorn man appeared out of nowhere. "Who is this guy?" you quickly get ready to fight again. "Wait, its impossible, you should be dead!" says Twilight. "You know who he is?" "STAR SWIRL THE BEARDED!" "YES I AM!" shouts the wizard happily. Pretty spry for an old guy. "I am happy that people still remember me." chuckles the bearded wizard. "I-I am re-rea-really honored, I'm...." Twilight stutters. "I'm sorry princess, but I don't have much time, I am just here to warn you." Star Swirl talks briefly about some kind of apocalyptic deity and his followers that are about to attack Equestria soon. Mr Exhibitionist you just killed must have been one of them. "I guess that covers everything, goodbye princess." says Star Swirl. "Wait, I still have so many question-" "HAIL TO YOU!" shouts the wizard before disappearing. "That was weird." you scratch your head. "Quick, we must warn the others!" Apparently, the god of the apocalypse Star Swirl the bearded talked about was real. You never saw Princess Celestia panic this way before. Equestria is about to get ready for war. A day after those shenanigans. Rarity invites you to her workshop to fix you some new clothes. You knock and head inside. "Hey Rarity, where are you?" "Over here darling, come inside." you hear her voice from a different room. "Yeah, thanks for inviting me, I really need some new clothes after- what the?" The room is dimly lit by different candles, there is a large frilly heart shaped bed in the middle of it. There are various 'toys' on the bed, some of them you didn't even know it existed. You hear the door slam behind you. "You won't need your clothes right now, darling~" "Ra- SWEET JESUS, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?" Rarity is wearing a full leathery dominatrix getup, complete with a riding crop and a ball gag in her hands. She is looking at you with eyes of a sadist. "I thought I should thank you for saving me that day, hero, do you like my new outfit?" she asks while handling that riding crop. "Listen Rarity, I-" "That's MISTRESS Rarity to you, NOW GET ON YOUR KNEES, SLAVE!" HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT! That day, you learned that there are positions in this world that were not meant to be performed. Next day. You are still a bit sore on places that aren't meant to be sore. You agreed to help Twilight sort out some things in her castle so she can research about this new threat. When you reach the castle, you see Spike the baby dragon come out of it. "Whats up Spike?" you ask. "You can ask Twilight about that, she suddenly wanted me to leave the castle for the rest of the day." he sighs. "Why? Aren't you helping her with research?" "That's the thing, she is already done with the research." Spike shrugs before leaving. You already have a bad feeling about this. You enter the castle, it seems empty alright. "Twilight?" "I'm in the throne room, Anonymous!" Okay, but why is she in the throne room, not the library? "Uh, I just saw Spike out, what did you need me for?" You hear the large door slam magically behind you, this seems awfully familiar. "Come my champion, you may approach my throne~" You see Twilight sitting on her throne legs crossed, she is wearing her princess crown and a see-through dress you never seen her wear before. "T...Twilight?" "How dare you address a princess in such manner! I should punish you......hold on." She picks up a book, the title of the book is "LETS GET KINKY: A beginner's guide to roleplaying." "What's that?" you ask. Twilight throws the book away and starts catwalking towards you. "Oh my brave knight, you were so dashing when you saved me from that villain~" Twilight speaks in a manner you never heard from her before. What the hell was she reading? "But I have a final task for you my champion, RAVISH ME!" "Twi- WHOA!" back of your knees hit something and you land on a bed, where the hell did the bed come from? "I WANT YOU TO SERVE ME WITH YOUR BODY, MY CHAMPION!" Twilight teleports on top of you, pinning you down. NOT AGAIN! You know those typical stories about the dashing knight and the princess in distress? Well, today you played the part of the princess. [TO BE CONTINUED] Author's Note RULES OF MAGIC! Chapter 3: Return of the AnonThat week was extremely....hectic. Whole Equestria is about to prepare for war, and you are dating two girls at once. You really wanted to tell them about that, but they made you not tell anyone about your 'feats', especially to the other girls. Oh boy, this will end bad. You were thinking about how to deal about this, then 5 girls run towards you with fearful looks on their faces. "ANON, ANON, ITS AN EMERGENCY!" shouts Pinkie. You never saw Pinkie this distressed before. "Was there an attack?" you ask. This is not good. "Fluttershy and Discord are taken hostage!" shouts Rainbow Dash. She is crying, also something hard to see. "WHAT?" The girls tell you that Fluttershy and Discord were attacked near Everfree forest tending to some woodland animals. Discord tried to defend her but even his magic was no match to their attackers. Someone was watching this whole ordeal from afar and warned the girls, when they approached the attack site, there was a letter. In the letter, it says they want you specifically to surrender and be captured unless you want your friends to die. There was a name of a location at the end of the letter. "I guess I have no choice then, I have to go alone." you say after reading the letter. "ANON NO!" "YOU CAN'T ITS A TRAP!" says Rarity and Twilight. "Relaaaax, you know me, I'll get Fluttershy safe and sound. Trust me." you say. "I'll get ready, and I'll need directions." You get the directions from the girls and wait for the train that will take you to Fluttershy's captors. "I'll get Fluttershy back, I promise.....maybe that jerk Discord too, if I can." you assure the girls. You never really liked that chaos douche. Twilight and Rarity hugs you tightly at the same time. RUH ROH, NOT GOOD. "Y'all are awfully chummy, did something happen?" Applejack asks with a hint of suspicion in her voice. "Not really, he is our best friend, that's all." says Twilight. "What about you Rarity?" she also asks with suspicion. "Same thing Twilight, he is our best friend." says Rarity. She is eyeing Twilight menacingly. Okay, you should end this before it gets bad. "RIGHT! I should get going. I'll be back within 24 hours, I swear." you quickly board the train. That was close. The train ride didn't take that long, the place the letter mentioned wasn't that far, but you needed to do the rest of the journey on foot. You reached the place mentioned in the letter. Its a large hill, on top of the hill, there is a large Colosseum. Weird, there was no mention of such building in the map. "You Anonymous?" You see a group of men wearing armor marching towards you, with their weapons ready. "That would be me, where is Fluttershy?" you ask. You also get ready to fight. "All in due time, Mr Anonymous, I suggest you come with us quietly and change into this, if you want to see the hostages alive." One of the soldiers tosses something like an Ancient Roman gladiator's suit. "Why would I need this?" "You will see soon." the soldier smirks. You get dressed up, get handcuffed and enter the building with them. The soldiers lead you into a place that looks like an animal pen, except there are monsters and ferocious beasts in the cells growling and barking at you. They shove you inside a big cell and lock the door. "Anon?" you hear a very familiar voice. "Discord?" You see Discord chained up on the wall, his usual mischievous behavior gone. He looks exhausted and beat up. "Christ, you alright? you approach Discord. "What does it look like? They took most of my magic and beat me up." coughs Discord. "Right, I'll bust us outta here, get Fluttershy and-" "No you stupid goat fornicator! Fluttershy is personally chained near the warlord, the leader of these band of brigands." "Where-" "HEY YOU! BOTH OF YOU, YOU'RE UP NEXT!" shouts the jailer. "We're doomed." says Discord. The soldiers take you and Discord to the end of the corridor. The huge metal gate opens, you see a spectacle you saw on that Russell Crowe movie. An open Colosseum, with hundreds of spectators shouting and cheering as you enter the arena. The soldiers lead you to the center of the arena. Drops some weapons and move on. "Good luck." the soldier laughs. "Oh this is going to be good." you say. "WELCOME TO THE ARENA, SCUMS!" you hear an amplified voice in the largest balcony in the seats. "That's the warlord?" you ask. "Kind of a cliché, I know." says Discord. A morbidly obese Unicorn man is shouting with an amplifier. He barely is wearing anything, probably because he can't fit in anything. Jesus Christ, he fits exactly to the 'Fat powerful crime lord' thing. You see he is holding the chains on Fluttershy's neck, he made her dress into some kind of....slave dancer clothes, you thought he can't get anymore cliched enough. "Says something about his tastes." you say. "I HEARD ABOUT YOU, MR. ANONYMOUS. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO SURVIVE MY ARENA OF DOOM?" he shouts. "Hey, fatass! I'll give you a chance to surrender Fluttershy!" "Anon? What are you doing here? RUN!" shouts Fluttershy, but the warlord pulls her chains. "Insulting me in my own domain won't help you, maybe if you work for me, I'll let you be my right hand man." says the warlord while chomping down a large cake. Gross. "FUCK YOU FATASS, LIKE I'LL WANT TO WIPE YOUR ASS EVERYTIME." "That is supposed to be one of the main duties of my right hand men, for some reason, they killed themselves." Oh fuck, no wonder. "No matter, you will die here like the rest, at least you will serve as entertainment." the warlord signals his soldiers. The soldiers blow loud horns to begin the event. "Was that necessary?" asks Discord. "If you want to wipe his ass all the time, be my guest." "I guess I'll die here then." You hear loud series rumbles below, a large gate opens beneath the Colosseum and an enormous bipedal monster jumps out of it, it is almost big as a hydra. You and Discord's magical handcuffs disappear. "Oh god." Discord falls on his backside and watch the beast in horror. "Discord, stand behind me, I'll take care of this." you grab a sword and charge towards the beast. You thrust the sword towards the monster's stomach, the sword breaks. Was this sword just for show? "Sonova-" The monster swats you with his claws, you fly and hit the wall. The crowd goes wild. "That was rather disappointing, I should remind myself to use smaller monsters first." the warlord grumbles as he shoves an entire grape in his mouth. "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE MONSTER!" The warlord chokes on the grapes. "THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE!" he shouts. You emerge from the dust and rubble. Even the monster looks confused. Time to finish this the old fashioned way. You rush and jump towards the beast's neck and slam your arm into it. "A PERFECT RUNNING LARIAT, UH BAW GAWD." shouts the warlord, he looks excited now. The monster falls on his back, it tries to get back on its feet, but another surprise is waiting for him. You grab his back as hard as you can, the beast shrieks in pain, you lift it in the air, jump high enough and smash him backwards head first. "SUPLEX! MAH GAWD, I CAN'T BUHLEEVE MAH EYES!" the warlord is still playing the commentator. The monster has had enough, he crouches like a frog and jumps upwards, trying to crush you with its body. You wont let him. You jump after the monster, when he is coming down you grab his neck part and come crashing down with your body first. "RKO! RKO! RKO OUTTA NOWHERE!" Time to finish this . The monster is still growling and trying to stand, this thing is pretty tough. This time, you grab him upside down. "HE IS NOT GOING TO...HE IS!" you jump, you grab on the monster's back and make him land on top of his head. "TOOOMBSTOOONE PILEDRIVER!" the warlord could die of excitement right now. You crashed the monster so hard that his head is stuck on the ground. Its not moving anymore. The crowd is silent, they clearly didn't expect this to happen. "What in Equestria was that?" asks Discord. "What, you never watched wrestling?" you shrug. "Oh right, I almost forgot to say this part." "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?"you shout at the crowd. "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?" "IS THAT NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?" you pick up a spear and throw it towards the warlord. Before he can react, the spear pins the cake the warlord was eating on the wall. He calls one of his guards to him. "Guard, tell them to send everything." "Everything, my lord?" "EVERYTHING!" The guard signals the beast masters. They hesitate at first, but the push all of the gears at once. All the doors open and more than a dozen monsters rush out of their pens, one of them even devouring one of the beast masters. "This is bad." shivers Discord behind your back. "Maybe." you look at the dead monster. This might actually work? You lift the monster's body. "What are you doing?" "Creating an exit." you proceed to throw the body as hard as you can towards the wall. The crowd screams, now there is a monster sized hole in the Colosseum. The monsters see this as their chance of escape. "How do you keep on doing this kind of things?" Discord asks. "The Anon-force is strong within me." "What?" "Just kiddin, what part of 'Bullshit plothole level super power' did you not understand?" The warlord starts barking orders and the soldiers start rushing in the arena. Unfortunately for them, some of the monsters start attacking their captors in revenge. The whole Colosseum is in chaos. "Lets get Fluttershy!" you get Discord on his feet and start running towards the warlord. "One of you kill that.....gahk." the warlord is choking. Fluttershy uses the chains he was holding her with to choke the life out of the warlord. "HOW DARE YOU HURT.MY.FRIENDS!" Fluttershy keeps on choking the obese man. The warlord makes a few croaking sounds and dies. "You alright, Flutters?" you ask while punching the soldiers out of your way. Fluttershy hugs you and Discord tight. "I'm glad you are safe." she cries. You free Fluttershy from the chains. "Thank me later, can you guys fly?" "No, out of juice, remember?" "Too...tired." You have no choice, you pick up Discord under your arm and Fluttershy over your shoulder and start running. "What you doing?" "Hold tight, we're getting out of this." You run towards the guest exit and kick the wooden gate down. There are soldiers still chasing you. You have to run down the stairs, but there are soldiers coming up the stairs as well. You put your friends down and grab one of the massive thick wooden doors and put it down on the floor. "Discord, Fluttershy, get on the door!" "You're not going to-" "Just do it!" Discord and Fluttershy sits on the door, you push the door down the stairs and ride it like a surf board. "HAAAAAAAIL TO THE KING, BABY!" You clearly are having way too much fun with this. You are sliding down the stairs in full speed, the soldiers panic and try to escape but many are crushed under the massive speeding door. Fluttershy and Discord scream the whole ride. You ran back to the nearest town with Fluttershy and Discord in your arms. The Equestrian army came and started to cleaned up the mess and escorted you back to Ponyville. The town once again hailed you as a hero, but the threat was clearly not over. Fluttershy wanted to thank you for saving her and asked you to come to her cottage for a dinner that night. When you reach her cottage, you see the all animals leaving the cottage, weird. "Hey, asshole rabbit, whats the deal?" you ask Angel. The rabbit scowls at you as usual and hops away. "Oh, its nothing my boy, we just wanted to make sure you two are alone for the night." Discord slaps you on the back. "Alone?" "Of course! Just....clean up after yourselves, okay?" Discord winks and disappears as usual. At least that chaos wizard thing is more friendly right now. You scratch your head and enter the cottage, everything seems normal enough. "Fluttershy?" "Over here." The door slams behind you. Oh god, you know this feeling too well. You slowly turn you head. "Fluttershy? Why are you still wearing that?" you ask. Fluttershy is wearing that 'slave-dancer' outfit again. She is looking at you like a predator looking at its prey. "Flutters?" "YOU FILTHY, FILTHY BEAST!" What. "DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I DO TO WILD ANIMALS LIKE YOU?" shouts Fluttershy. She is approaching you like a lioness stalking its prey. "I HAVE SPECIAL WAYS TO TAME A FILTHY WILD BEAST LIKE YOU!" Fluttershy dashes towards you like a ferocious hunter. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Fluttershy's cottage had to go through several repairs after that night. The repairmen asked if the house was attacked by a monster. [To be continued] Author's Note Crossguard lightsaber is stupid and you know it.
Chapter 1: Homoerotic Tendency Chapter 1: Homoerotic Tendency So, you already know that Anonymous, the most badassiest badass motherfucker in all of Equestria banged 6 hot chicks that have fairy tale magical powers and married them right? And put the bun in their ovens with his baby batter right? AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME, right? YOU WANNA KNOW HOW? WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK, ASSHOLE! GATHER AROUND AND SIT ON MY FUCKING LAP KIDS, because its motherfucking story time that will blow your inferior mind. Well, that clears the introduction, here goes the story. You are Anonymous, you were an average Joe, you enjoyed the simple life. You got a job that isn't shitty, you had many friends, you liked things like video games and movies and booze, but no girlfriend or wife, not that you really wanted to get married or have kids or anything. Why the fuck would you want to waste your time and money on a damn nagging woman and a brat? Anyway, all that simple life changed on that faithful day. Its Friday night, usually you would go hang out with bros and have a drink and do stupid shit. Well, not today, you decide to hit the sack early. You are all tucked in and relaxed, but you suddenly feel a rumble and hear weird noises. You shout couple of shits and fucks, this is obviously an earthquake. You panic, you quickly jump out of the bed and reach for your door. It doesn't budge, you think about getting a hammer to break it open. Then you notice that the rumbling and the apocalyptic noises stopped. Whew, that was not good for your heart. You look out the window, you expected the night sky with the full moon, but no. You see some kind of weird Doctor Who shit going on outside. Before you can figure out what the hell is going on, you slowly feel weightless, then everything falls like you are skydiving with your entire apartment. "SHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!" Your entire apartment free-falls for what feels like 10 minutes with you screaming your fucking lungs out, you are clutching your toaster with all your might. Then you notice you are not falling anymore, in fact, everything is completely still. You stand up, run towards the door and open it up. First thing you see is what looks like an intro scene of a Walt Disney cartoon movie, sunshine and rainbows, cute wooden houses, clear blue sky, and flowers and shit. Next thing you see is a group of 6 girls just staring at you silently. "What the fuck is going on?" you ask them. "I think I might have screwed up something." says the purple haired girl with a small horn and wings. What the fuck? A horn? Wings? You notice that they are all humans, but some of them have wings and horns. You pinch your nipples to see if you are dreaming, you are not, you are not. "Check out dem abs!" says the Rainbow haired one with wings. Abs? you check out your body, you didn't wear a t-shirt before sleeping because it was hot. You check your reflection in your window. You are surprised to see your body now looks like Chris Hemsworth's(you know, Thor from the Avengers?). This is like that scene from Spider-man movie when Toby Maguire becomes buff overnight. Oh by the way, it seems your entire apartment came with you, you wonder how your asshole landlord will feel now. After some panicking and screaming later, you hear the full story from the 6 girls. This girl named Twilight Sparkle explains that you are in Equestria, Ponyville. She says that she was conjuring a random spell with help of her friends, she made a mistake and now you are here with your apartment. You also tell them about your home, they seem fascinated, unfortunately all the technology you had in your apartment is useless here. Why everything horse themed, you will never know, they don't know either. Unfortunately you can't go back to your simple life back on earth, this nerd girl screwed something up major and doesn't know how to fix it. You were angry at first, but what can you do? You decide to accept reality and start living in this crazy ass fantasy universe. The lack of technology is frustrating, but few days later, you realized to acquired some kind of bullshit level super powers. Probably because of that magic alternate universe travelling. Even TOILET SPUNKLE couldn't explain how this works. IT JUST WORKS. Now your days as a superhero begins. You start out by saving all the kids from a burning school building, the fire started because some kids that call themselves 'Cutie Mark crusaders' fucked something up, AGAIN. Cutie marks, the tattoo thing that appears on ass cheeks in this universe when kids discover what they are good at or something. You check your ass cheeks time to time to see if anything appears on your ass, nothing, fortunately. More of your heroics followed, you are now the favorite citizen of Ponyville. You have been spending time with the 6 girls that pretty much brought you here. Mainly because they felt sorry because of what they did. You start to suspect that they have the hots for you now probably because of your selfless heroics and newly acquired hot body. All those random ass groping and spankings should mean something. One day, You, Rarity, and Twilight decide to investigate Everfree forest after multiple reports of weird lights and what they thought it was ritualistic music. "You sure this is not some kids throwing some kind of secret rave party?" you ask. "For the last time, Anonymous, I'm sure there is something sinister happening. My books say that something big is about to happen." says Twilight. "Oh come on, prophesies? When do they ever come true?" you ask, did you really have to miss dinner for this? "Last time it was when Nightmare Moon came to Equestria." "Oh." "I understand if you just can't stand this place, darling." says Rarity, while trying to avoid stepping on mud puddles. "Oh this will ruin my heels, perhaps you can be a gentleman and carry me in your arms?" she asks while blinking seductively. "Uh..." "Shh, look!" says Twilight. You hide behind a tree and peek towards the direction Twilight pointed. There are groups of people with black hoods and cloaks on them, like some kind of insane black magic cult. They are gathered in front of an object that is also covered in a large black cloak. "Can you see what they have there?" "...." "Twilight? Rarity?" "Oh my, what a wide back you have." You notice that they are just standing behind you feeling up your back muscles. "Jesus Christ, do you have to joke around now?" you ask impatiently. "Rarity, scoot over a bit, stop hogging him!" "Move yourself! You are the one trying to keep him to yourself." "Christ, they will hear you!" "INTRUDERS!" Too fucking late. The cultists turn their attention to your group. One of them lowers his hood to reveal himself. You see a man with a face that looks like a Ken doll, but with even more exaggerated features, but all that pales in comparison with his hairstyle. He has this exaggerated pompadour that is almost as long as his torso, its a mystery how he was hiding that under the hood. "....what the fuck is with that hair?" you whisper. "Must be a fashion statement." says Rarity, still fondling your back. "Does that thing even obey the laws of physics?" asks Twilight, now fondling your ass. "Princess Twilight herself and two of her lackeys! Unveil yourselves brothers, IT IS TIME!" The cultists immediately throw away their cloaks. You see a scenery that makes you instantly wish you didn't. Dozens of chiseled bodied men, all dressed up like male strippers, striking dramatic poses, and some with each other. They all have similar weird doll like faces with serious looks. "What am I even looking at?" "Oh my..." say the girls at the same time. "and where the hell is that music coming from?" "Oh you wish you'd look this fabulous, bro." says the man with the over-waxed log of hair on his head. This guy is constantly combing his hair, CONSTANTLY. "Not with that atrocious hair that looks like cow manure." scoffs Rarity. You can almost hear the air freeze among the male stripper convention. The rest of them are slowly backing away from him. You see the man slowly crushing his comb in his hands. "Hey Señorita." "Huh?" "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY HAIR?" Mister fashion disaster goes berserk and charges towards Rarity. He is surprisingly quick, but... Before he can reach Rarity, you simply push against his hair, making his punches out of reach. "Dumbass." You karate chop his hair in two before punching him in the face with a force of a truck. You see him fly for a while and land on the floor hard. "Muh....hair." the man mutters before passing out. "Was that hair part really necessary?" asks Twilight. After seeing their comrade fall, the rest of the pride paraders start their attacks. Alright, you had enough of this bullshit. With your bullshit level super powers, you plow through your attackers like a snowmobile. Twilight and Rarity's spells are also doing some serious damage. The cultists are at a loss, seeing their ranks thinning so quickly. "HEY, YOU'RE UP!" shouts one of the cultists. The tallest of the cultists walks towards your group, at least this one is better dressed than the others. He is wearing a cap with his horn sticking out of it, his face looks as if he is constantly pissed off. Rarity giddily approaches the tall unicorn man. "Rarity, what the hell are you doing?" you ask while pummeling a cultist to the ground. "Hello, big and handsome, got any plans tonight?" Rarity asks with her typical seduction mode. "Destroy Ponyville and kill all its residents." the man responds casually. "Oh....what about tomorrow?" The goliath strikes another pose and charges up a spell. It probably something big seeing how he is glowing and sparkling. "Anon, help Rarity!" shouts Twilight. You rush and pick up Rarity in your arms just in time to avoid the big cultist's devastating magic punches. "You alright Rarity?" you ask. "My hero~" giggles Rarity. You put down Rarity and face the towering attacker. "Okay, so whats your deal?" you ask. "I can cast a spell that can stop time." "You can stop time and move around?" you ask. Okay, this might be a really dangerous power. "No." Huh? "Then....whats the point of it?" you ask while scratching your head. "I can still be awake while the time is stopped." You don't hesitate to punch the cultist in the stomach. Any more of this and these guys will infect you with stupid. "You.....bastard." the cultist manages to get back up, at least he is little tougher than others. He starts to make a pose and start charging the same magical punching spell he tried to use on Rarity. Now maybe he will get a bit more serious. He starts throwing series of quick punches, while screaming incoherent noises. You kick him in the family jewels. The cultist feels the shock and falls on the ground head first. "Oh! My! God!" "You know, if you actually aimed and not flail your arms everywhere, you could have hit me." you tell him. At that moment, you dodge a knife thrown at your direction, it kills a cultist behind you. You see a tall blonde man holding multiple knives in his hands. "Ooh, hey handsome, what are your-" here goes Rarity again. "Goddamnit, not again Rarity." Blondie continues to throw knives at you and Rarity, you pick up Rarity again and start dodging them. Each knife that you dodged kills another cultist. This guy ever run out of knives to throw? "How many of your friends did you kill with that circus act?" you ask. "How many times did you masturbate in your life?" he replies with a smug smile. "...." Blondie throws another set of knives at you. This time, you activate your Anonymous-senses(?), catch the knives and throw them back. The knives impale their owner this time. "My only regret is...not killing more of my friends....." What is wrong with these fuckers? "I'm starting to think they aren't as smart as they look...." says Rarity. OH, you think? Things are not looking well for the stripper cultists. Their men are falling and they seem to be running out of body oil to rub themselves. "We have no choice, do 'THAT' now!" One of the cultists walks in front of the cloaked object they were hiding, he shouts something and strikes another pose. "AWAKEN MY MASTER!" Something in the cloak jumps and lands in the middle of the cultists. Its a....man? A huge bodybuilder wearing the scantiest, the most ridiculous male clothing ever. You thought the other guys were bad, this guy tops them all. He is also....glistening? It looks like his body is reflecting the moonlight, must be a barrel load of body oil or something. "Sweet Celestia, I think my eyes are burning." says Twilight while covering her eyes. "No kidding, I didn't know the moonlight can be so bright." you try to squint your eyes from this madness. "And where the hell is that music coming from again?" "Am I the only one aroused right now?" asks Rarity. [To be continued] Author's Note YARE YARE DAZE
Chapter 2: STANDING HERE, I REALIZE, how dumb this is."I told you children not to interrupt by beauty sleep unless its an emergency." says the bodybuilder while flexing his muscles. This guy's oily voice makes your skin crawl, its like this guy has been drinking a whole barrels of oil that he didn't use on his body. "But master wizard, we are being attacked!" "Master wizard?" Oh you almost didn't notice the long horn on his forehead. Now the wizard turns his attention to you. "Oh, I see. Princess Twilight, a pleasure to meet you." he says with an aroused laugh. Jesus, this guy for real? "What are you doing here, other than making people uncomfortable?" asks Twilight. "I suppose I could tell you that much....we were merely planning to attack Ponyville and kill everyone in it." "What? Why?" "I don't really have to explain that, because we are going to kill you, Princess." he says, still flexing. "Why don't you try it?!" Twilight teleports near the muscle wizard. "Twilight, no!" you try to run, but the cultists are blocking your way. "Get out of the way assholes!" you punch through the cultists, but there are so many of them. Twilight used Magic Missiles! Its not very effective..... "Why isn't it working?" Twilight is bewildered. The wizard laughs and rips off last bit of clothing covering his chest. Revealing some sort of crystal embedded into where his heart is supposed to be. "MAGIC CRYSTALS, PRINCESS! They harden in response to magical trauma." he smashes the ground. "You can't hurt me Twilight." Twilight readies another spell, but the wizard grabs her by the throat. "Played magic school ball you know!" "At some lousy Unicorn school!" Twilight retorts. "I'm not one of those Unicorn weaklings. I can break Princess Celestia in two, WITH MY BARE HANDS!" "DON'T FUCK WITH THIS WIZARD!" the wizard throws Twilight like a baseball. You manage to catch a screaming Twilight in your arms before she hits the ground. "Damn, you alright Twilight?" you ask. "I think so..." she blushes. Alright, time to end this. You start walking towards the wizard. "HEY YOU!" "Oh my~" says the half naked wizard. He starts scanning you up and down. "Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm, look at you, you might make a fine member of our little coven. What do you say?" "Sorry, I wish to keep my sanity." The wizard and the cultists sneer and laugh at you. "Oh what a shame, you would look fine in one of our specially designed outfits." [Shuddering intensifies] You really can't take this anymore. "Can we skip to the part where I kill you already?" you ask. "Feisty little one aren't you? Very well, I'll finish you off myself." says the wizard. He suddenly makes a real familiar crouching pose. Wait, he is not going to go all kamehameha on you right? The naked wizard starts charging up some kind of magical power ball in his hands, a pretty big one. Yes, he actually is pulling that shit right now, go figure. However, he is not aiming at you, but at Twilight and Rarity. "Sonovabitch!" you make a mad dash to stand between them and the wizard. The huge beam of magic hits you just in time to save Twilight and Rarity. The area of impact explodes with a blue fireball. "ANON!" You emerge from the smoke coughing and trying to clear the smoke away. Your shirt disintegrated with most of your pants. "You asshole, those were my favorites!" "Impossible! how did you survive that?" the wizard asks with a confused look on his face. "Hey, you got your bullshit, I've got mine." "NO MATTER, I will kill you with my bare hands!" shouts the wizard. You put your fists up. Finally, you can end this madness. "Eeeeeee~" squeals Rarity. "What are you so excited about, Rarity?" asks Twilight. "Two hot and burly half-naked men fighting each other?" "Oh." "You won't be able to hurt me anyway, fool, its useless!" says the wizard. You grab him by the throat and start beating the living crap out of him. "WAIT...WAIT!" pleads the wizard. Now his face is swollen and bleeding, his good looks nowhere to be found now. "Whats up?" "You still won't be able to kill me you barbarian, my crystal will heal me back up." he grins. "Oh you mean that thing on your chest?" you ask. You grab the magic crystal on his chest and rip it out, Temple of Doom style. "Maybe you should have worn armor or something to cover that up." you crush his crystal heart in your hands. "Good....point." the wizard spits out his last breath. The wizard collapses on his back. The rest of the cultists look at each other and run away screaming like little girls. "Already?" Rarity asks with a hint of disappointment. "I swear this never happened to me before." Wait, what are you talking about. "So, that is over. I guess Ponyville is safe." Twilight breaths easy now. "Not quite." You quickly turn your head towards the voice. An elderly looking unicorn man appeared out of nowhere. "Who is this guy?" you quickly get ready to fight again. "Wait, its impossible, you should be dead!" says Twilight. "You know who he is?" "STAR SWIRL THE BEARDED!" "YES I AM!" shouts the wizard happily. Pretty spry for an old guy. "I am happy that people still remember me." chuckles the bearded wizard. "I-I am re-rea-really honored, I'm...." Twilight stutters. "I'm sorry princess, but I don't have much time, I am just here to warn you." Star Swirl talks briefly about some kind of apocalyptic deity and his followers that are about to attack Equestria soon. Mr Exhibitionist you just killed must have been one of them. "I guess that covers everything, goodbye princess." says Star Swirl. "Wait, I still have so many question-" "HAIL TO YOU!" shouts the wizard before disappearing. "That was weird." you scratch your head. "Quick, we must warn the others!" Apparently, the god of the apocalypse Star Swirl the bearded talked about was real. You never saw Princess Celestia panic this way before. Equestria is about to get ready for war. A day after those shenanigans. Rarity invites you to her workshop to fix you some new clothes. You knock and head inside. "Hey Rarity, where are you?" "Over here darling, come inside." you hear her voice from a different room. "Yeah, thanks for inviting me, I really need some new clothes after- what the?" The room is dimly lit by different candles, there is a large frilly heart shaped bed in the middle of it. There are various 'toys' on the bed, some of them you didn't even know it existed. You hear the door slam behind you. "You won't need your clothes right now, darling~" "Ra- SWEET JESUS, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?" Rarity is wearing a full leathery dominatrix getup, complete with a riding crop and a ball gag in her hands. She is looking at you with eyes of a sadist. "I thought I should thank you for saving me that day, hero, do you like my new outfit?" she asks while handling that riding crop. "Listen Rarity, I-" "That's MISTRESS Rarity to you, NOW GET ON YOUR KNEES, SLAVE!" HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT! That day, you learned that there are positions in this world that were not meant to be performed. Next day. You are still a bit sore on places that aren't meant to be sore. You agreed to help Twilight sort out some things in her castle so she can research about this new threat. When you reach the castle, you see Spike the baby dragon come out of it. "Whats up Spike?" you ask. "You can ask Twilight about that, she suddenly wanted me to leave the castle for the rest of the day." he sighs. "Why? Aren't you helping her with research?" "That's the thing, she is already done with the research." Spike shrugs before leaving. You already have a bad feeling about this. You enter the castle, it seems empty alright. "Twilight?" "I'm in the throne room, Anonymous!" Okay, but why is she in the throne room, not the library? "Uh, I just saw Spike out, what did you need me for?" You hear the large door slam magically behind you, this seems awfully familiar. "Come my champion, you may approach my throne~" You see Twilight sitting on her throne legs crossed, she is wearing her princess crown and a see-through dress you never seen her wear before. "T...Twilight?" "How dare you address a princess in such manner! I should punish you......hold on." She picks up a book, the title of the book is "LETS GET KINKY: A beginner's guide to roleplaying." "What's that?" you ask. Twilight throws the book away and starts catwalking towards you. "Oh my brave knight, you were so dashing when you saved me from that villain~" Twilight speaks in a manner you never heard from her before. What the hell was she reading? "But I have a final task for you my champion, RAVISH ME!" "Twi- WHOA!" back of your knees hit something and you land on a bed, where the hell did the bed come from? "I WANT YOU TO SERVE ME WITH YOUR BODY, MY CHAMPION!" Twilight teleports on top of you, pinning you down. NOT AGAIN! You know those typical stories about the dashing knight and the princess in distress? Well, today you played the part of the princess. [TO BE CONTINUED] Author's Note RULES OF MAGIC!
Chapter 3: Return of the AnonThat week was extremely....hectic. Whole Equestria is about to prepare for war, and you are dating two girls at once. You really wanted to tell them about that, but they made you not tell anyone about your 'feats', especially to the other girls. Oh boy, this will end bad. You were thinking about how to deal about this, then 5 girls run towards you with fearful looks on their faces. "ANON, ANON, ITS AN EMERGENCY!" shouts Pinkie. You never saw Pinkie this distressed before. "Was there an attack?" you ask. This is not good. "Fluttershy and Discord are taken hostage!" shouts Rainbow Dash. She is crying, also something hard to see. "WHAT?" The girls tell you that Fluttershy and Discord were attacked near Everfree forest tending to some woodland animals. Discord tried to defend her but even his magic was no match to their attackers. Someone was watching this whole ordeal from afar and warned the girls, when they approached the attack site, there was a letter. In the letter, it says they want you specifically to surrender and be captured unless you want your friends to die. There was a name of a location at the end of the letter. "I guess I have no choice then, I have to go alone." you say after reading the letter. "ANON NO!" "YOU CAN'T ITS A TRAP!" says Rarity and Twilight. "Relaaaax, you know me, I'll get Fluttershy safe and sound. Trust me." you say. "I'll get ready, and I'll need directions." You get the directions from the girls and wait for the train that will take you to Fluttershy's captors. "I'll get Fluttershy back, I promise.....maybe that jerk Discord too, if I can." you assure the girls. You never really liked that chaos douche. Twilight and Rarity hugs you tightly at the same time. RUH ROH, NOT GOOD. "Y'all are awfully chummy, did something happen?" Applejack asks with a hint of suspicion in her voice. "Not really, he is our best friend, that's all." says Twilight. "What about you Rarity?" she also asks with suspicion. "Same thing Twilight, he is our best friend." says Rarity. She is eyeing Twilight menacingly. Okay, you should end this before it gets bad. "RIGHT! I should get going. I'll be back within 24 hours, I swear." you quickly board the train. That was close. The train ride didn't take that long, the place the letter mentioned wasn't that far, but you needed to do the rest of the journey on foot. You reached the place mentioned in the letter. Its a large hill, on top of the hill, there is a large Colosseum. Weird, there was no mention of such building in the map. "You Anonymous?" You see a group of men wearing armor marching towards you, with their weapons ready. "That would be me, where is Fluttershy?" you ask. You also get ready to fight. "All in due time, Mr Anonymous, I suggest you come with us quietly and change into this, if you want to see the hostages alive." One of the soldiers tosses something like an Ancient Roman gladiator's suit. "Why would I need this?" "You will see soon." the soldier smirks. You get dressed up, get handcuffed and enter the building with them. The soldiers lead you into a place that looks like an animal pen, except there are monsters and ferocious beasts in the cells growling and barking at you. They shove you inside a big cell and lock the door. "Anon?" you hear a very familiar voice. "Discord?" You see Discord chained up on the wall, his usual mischievous behavior gone. He looks exhausted and beat up. "Christ, you alright? you approach Discord. "What does it look like? They took most of my magic and beat me up." coughs Discord. "Right, I'll bust us outta here, get Fluttershy and-" "No you stupid goat fornicator! Fluttershy is personally chained near the warlord, the leader of these band of brigands." "Where-" "HEY YOU! BOTH OF YOU, YOU'RE UP NEXT!" shouts the jailer. "We're doomed." says Discord. The soldiers take you and Discord to the end of the corridor. The huge metal gate opens, you see a spectacle you saw on that Russell Crowe movie. An open Colosseum, with hundreds of spectators shouting and cheering as you enter the arena. The soldiers lead you to the center of the arena. Drops some weapons and move on. "Good luck." the soldier laughs. "Oh this is going to be good." you say. "WELCOME TO THE ARENA, SCUMS!" you hear an amplified voice in the largest balcony in the seats. "That's the warlord?" you ask. "Kind of a cliché, I know." says Discord. A morbidly obese Unicorn man is shouting with an amplifier. He barely is wearing anything, probably because he can't fit in anything. Jesus Christ, he fits exactly to the 'Fat powerful crime lord' thing. You see he is holding the chains on Fluttershy's neck, he made her dress into some kind of....slave dancer clothes, you thought he can't get anymore cliched enough. "Says something about his tastes." you say. "I HEARD ABOUT YOU, MR. ANONYMOUS. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO SURVIVE MY ARENA OF DOOM?" he shouts. "Hey, fatass! I'll give you a chance to surrender Fluttershy!" "Anon? What are you doing here? RUN!" shouts Fluttershy, but the warlord pulls her chains. "Insulting me in my own domain won't help you, maybe if you work for me, I'll let you be my right hand man." says the warlord while chomping down a large cake. Gross. "FUCK YOU FATASS, LIKE I'LL WANT TO WIPE YOUR ASS EVERYTIME." "That is supposed to be one of the main duties of my right hand men, for some reason, they killed themselves." Oh fuck, no wonder. "No matter, you will die here like the rest, at least you will serve as entertainment." the warlord signals his soldiers. The soldiers blow loud horns to begin the event. "Was that necessary?" asks Discord. "If you want to wipe his ass all the time, be my guest." "I guess I'll die here then." You hear loud series rumbles below, a large gate opens beneath the Colosseum and an enormous bipedal monster jumps out of it, it is almost big as a hydra. You and Discord's magical handcuffs disappear. "Oh god." Discord falls on his backside and watch the beast in horror. "Discord, stand behind me, I'll take care of this." you grab a sword and charge towards the beast. You thrust the sword towards the monster's stomach, the sword breaks. Was this sword just for show? "Sonova-" The monster swats you with his claws, you fly and hit the wall. The crowd goes wild. "That was rather disappointing, I should remind myself to use smaller monsters first." the warlord grumbles as he shoves an entire grape in his mouth. "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE MONSTER!" The warlord chokes on the grapes. "THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE!" he shouts. You emerge from the dust and rubble. Even the monster looks confused. Time to finish this the old fashioned way. You rush and jump towards the beast's neck and slam your arm into it. "A PERFECT RUNNING LARIAT, UH BAW GAWD." shouts the warlord, he looks excited now. The monster falls on his back, it tries to get back on its feet, but another surprise is waiting for him. You grab his back as hard as you can, the beast shrieks in pain, you lift it in the air, jump high enough and smash him backwards head first. "SUPLEX! MAH GAWD, I CAN'T BUHLEEVE MAH EYES!" the warlord is still playing the commentator. The monster has had enough, he crouches like a frog and jumps upwards, trying to crush you with its body. You wont let him. You jump after the monster, when he is coming down you grab his neck part and come crashing down with your body first. "RKO! RKO! RKO OUTTA NOWHERE!" Time to finish this . The monster is still growling and trying to stand, this thing is pretty tough. This time, you grab him upside down. "HE IS NOT GOING TO...HE IS!" you jump, you grab on the monster's back and make him land on top of his head. "TOOOMBSTOOONE PILEDRIVER!" the warlord could die of excitement right now. You crashed the monster so hard that his head is stuck on the ground. Its not moving anymore. The crowd is silent, they clearly didn't expect this to happen. "What in Equestria was that?" asks Discord. "What, you never watched wrestling?" you shrug. "Oh right, I almost forgot to say this part." "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?"you shout at the crowd. "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?" "IS THAT NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?" you pick up a spear and throw it towards the warlord. Before he can react, the spear pins the cake the warlord was eating on the wall. He calls one of his guards to him. "Guard, tell them to send everything." "Everything, my lord?" "EVERYTHING!" The guard signals the beast masters. They hesitate at first, but the push all of the gears at once. All the doors open and more than a dozen monsters rush out of their pens, one of them even devouring one of the beast masters. "This is bad." shivers Discord behind your back. "Maybe." you look at the dead monster. This might actually work? You lift the monster's body. "What are you doing?" "Creating an exit." you proceed to throw the body as hard as you can towards the wall. The crowd screams, now there is a monster sized hole in the Colosseum. The monsters see this as their chance of escape. "How do you keep on doing this kind of things?" Discord asks. "The Anon-force is strong within me." "What?" "Just kiddin, what part of 'Bullshit plothole level super power' did you not understand?" The warlord starts barking orders and the soldiers start rushing in the arena. Unfortunately for them, some of the monsters start attacking their captors in revenge. The whole Colosseum is in chaos. "Lets get Fluttershy!" you get Discord on his feet and start running towards the warlord. "One of you kill that.....gahk." the warlord is choking. Fluttershy uses the chains he was holding her with to choke the life out of the warlord. "HOW DARE YOU HURT.MY.FRIENDS!" Fluttershy keeps on choking the obese man. The warlord makes a few croaking sounds and dies. "You alright, Flutters?" you ask while punching the soldiers out of your way. Fluttershy hugs you and Discord tight. "I'm glad you are safe." she cries. You free Fluttershy from the chains. "Thank me later, can you guys fly?" "No, out of juice, remember?" "Too...tired." You have no choice, you pick up Discord under your arm and Fluttershy over your shoulder and start running. "What you doing?" "Hold tight, we're getting out of this." You run towards the guest exit and kick the wooden gate down. There are soldiers still chasing you. You have to run down the stairs, but there are soldiers coming up the stairs as well. You put your friends down and grab one of the massive thick wooden doors and put it down on the floor. "Discord, Fluttershy, get on the door!" "You're not going to-" "Just do it!" Discord and Fluttershy sits on the door, you push the door down the stairs and ride it like a surf board. "HAAAAAAAIL TO THE KING, BABY!" You clearly are having way too much fun with this. You are sliding down the stairs in full speed, the soldiers panic and try to escape but many are crushed under the massive speeding door. Fluttershy and Discord scream the whole ride. You ran back to the nearest town with Fluttershy and Discord in your arms. The Equestrian army came and started to cleaned up the mess and escorted you back to Ponyville. The town once again hailed you as a hero, but the threat was clearly not over. Fluttershy wanted to thank you for saving her and asked you to come to her cottage for a dinner that night. When you reach her cottage, you see the all animals leaving the cottage, weird. "Hey, asshole rabbit, whats the deal?" you ask Angel. The rabbit scowls at you as usual and hops away. "Oh, its nothing my boy, we just wanted to make sure you two are alone for the night." Discord slaps you on the back. "Alone?" "Of course! Just....clean up after yourselves, okay?" Discord winks and disappears as usual. At least that chaos wizard thing is more friendly right now. You scratch your head and enter the cottage, everything seems normal enough. "Fluttershy?" "Over here." The door slams behind you. Oh god, you know this feeling too well. You slowly turn you head. "Fluttershy? Why are you still wearing that?" you ask. Fluttershy is wearing that 'slave-dancer' outfit again. She is looking at you like a predator looking at its prey. "Flutters?" "YOU FILTHY, FILTHY BEAST!" What. "DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I DO TO WILD ANIMALS LIKE YOU?" shouts Fluttershy. She is approaching you like a lioness stalking its prey. "I HAVE SPECIAL WAYS TO TAME A FILTHY WILD BEAST LIKE YOU!" Fluttershy dashes towards you like a ferocious hunter. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Fluttershy's cottage had to go through several repairs after that night. The repairmen asked if the house was attacked by a monster. [To be continued] Author's Note Crossguard lightsaber is stupid and you know it.
