I'm not going to cry... what's wrong with me?

by Politicalunrest2400

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Tank, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Sad, Main 6
Length: 1358

Twilight's inner monologue during Tanks for the Memories...

Twilight's inner monologue during Tanks for the Memories...

Inspired by the Amazing Crying On The Inside by Arwhale and I'm Not Either by the Astonishing PonyWrites

This is my take on what Twilight was going through. I know it's been done, but for some reason, while very well written, I felt there were aspects that were unexplored, and that's why I wrote this!

Both chapters have now been updated and edited. Major thanks goes to Junegold for proofreading and helping out with the editing!

Published 2015-05-29 19:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-29 19:00:01 UTC

Dang It, I'm A Scientist!

I feel for her, I really do. I feel bad for her. But, I mean, while my friend Rainbow Dash is in pain, and I would like more then anything to stop it, to fix the the problem that is causing her so much grief; I don't know how to without causing major issues for everypony else. And I don't feel the need to cry about it like everyone else is.

Fluttershy crying is completely understandable. She has always been one to wear her emotions on her sleeves, even if in muted colors. Rarity makes complete sense, though that mare tries to stay aloof, in all reality she is a complete drama queen whenever the slightest negative thing happens. Whenever something real happens, something like this you can expect an overreaction from her, just like when her hard work was rejected by that puppet master at the fair a few months ago, it causes a complete and total emotional breakdown. Hmmm maybe ice-cream would help everyone, I do have a gallon of rocky and banana road in the refrigerator back at the castle I could go get.

Quite frankly I'm not sure why it took so long for Rarity to join in on the crying... shock at seeing Rainbow Dash cry maybe? I mean it took all of us by surprise, that's for sure... particularly since Fluttershy was the one that made Rainbow Dash cry... I thought I was going to have to step in and play the bad mare again, but she really took the initiative! Very proud of that mare, she has grown a lot since I first met her.

Pinkie Pie was a bit of a surprise. She usually likes to pick apart a situation and make everypony feel even worse about it; they go completely bonkers and are pushed to emotional and physical extremes. To be honest she was the one I thought would make Rainbow Dash cry if it wasn't me; she seems to take great pleasure in hyping up situations into their worst possible interpretation.That is until she sees the actual damage she causes. Perhaps I should have her go sit down with Dr. Wolf , he’s been helping me with my problems. Talking with him might be helpful for her too. Maybe he can give her some insight into how to avoid seeming so callus.

Applejack... now there’s a pony…

"Twilight? Why aren't YOU crying?!"

Good question, thanks for rubbing it in Pinkie. OK Pinkie, I really need to introduce you to Dr.Wolf, you seem to have a knack for trying to help but making everything much worse.

"What about Applejack?" I ask, as Pinkie gives me a look of concern, mixed with something akin to 'duh'.

"...She cry's on the inside..."

Interesting. So, what the others are doing, AJ is doing inside her head? That's baffling. I mean I have cried before, a good healthy cry can really help you out when you're down in the dumps and can't figure out how to fix a situation. Its odd, but it makes you feel better even if the situation has not gotten any better. So I really don’t know why AJ cries on the inside, it helps so much more to just let it out then bottling it up all the time. I’ve learned THAT lesson more than once. So... why am I not crying? It can't be because I don't care for Rainbow Dash, can it?

No, I feel bad for Rainbow Dash... but, more than that, I feel something else. It’s like... it’s like when I studied for a test, completed the test, passed the test with flying colors, but then found out that the test would never be graded, it was only for my 'benefit'. This is that same feeling. I'm frustrated, plain and simple. But why? Surely it's not with Rainbow, in fact I am really proud of her for finally reaching the acceptance stage of grief. It can be a really hard thing to do according to all of my psychology textbooks back at home in the...oh right, the library is gone.

So, why am I so frustrated? I feel... I feel completely useless. I can’t and even if I could I wouldn’t stop what is causing my friend so much pain. Hibernation and winter are both perfectly healthy and natural things after all.

What am I suppose to do? I have all of this power, I can literally reduce entire mountains to molten slag, I'm suppose to be the Princess of Friendship, and I can't even cry when my friend is having an emotional break down? What's...what is wrong with me? This is definitely going to come up in my next session with Dr. Wolf.

I’m so proud of both Fluttershy and Rainbow right now. And... and, yet so frustrated at not being able to help Rainbow by removing the cause of her grief, or by showing physical signs of emotional support like crying. I'm so glad the rest of the group stopped when Rainbow Dash did, I don't think I could have stayed if they hadn't, this whole thing has been extremely awkward.

I’m a scientist after all, trained to detach myself emotionally in order to avoid bias and inaccurate data. You know, I really should cut myself some slack, after all it's only been what, a couple of years that I have actually had real friends? After a lifetime of emotional detachment there’s bound to be some kind of an adjustment period, but how long? This would make an interesting experiment, perhaps I should keep a detailed emotion journal in order to track my progress....

Author's Note

Chapter has been updated and edited. Major thanks goes to Junegold for proofreading and helping out with the editing!

At The "Grave"

So, here we are. At the very end of it, Rainbow Dash has finally reached the acceptance stage of grief. I'm so proud of her! I'm just getting to that point with losing the library, and that wasn't even a living thing... well... not in the same way the turtle is. I mean a tree technically is a living organism, just with plant cells rather than animal cells. Then add in the turning sunlight into cellulose through photosynthesis, rather than eating plants, or other creatures and gaining energy through the complex system of digestive organs that mammals and other animals have... But it's the same thing right?

No. No its really not. The library was my home, and it is sad to lose it, but this was her pet, her friend and confidant. Really her only one, she doesn't even talk about her feelings with us, her dearest friends that often. Yet, I've heard her talking to Tank before as the two zoomed far above my head, like he was a seasoned therapist and she his patient. ...Huh... maybe Pinkie is not the only one that needs to visit Dr. Wolf.

Realizing how close she and Tank really were and still are, brings home just how hard even this short term separation is going to be for her. Oh... she's digging a ...what would you call that? Well I guess technically it would be considered a den or warren, but, in all reality it FEELS like a ... like... like a grave. Mental note: never tell Rainbow Dash that observation, it would not end well.

But it's really hard not to make that comparison, as she literally is burying him under the earth, rocks and snow. I REALLY need to make sure I never let that observation slip around her. There could be, well to put it nicely, very dangerous repercussions for the whole of Ponyville.

OK... now she's reading to her 'all but dead' turtle. I don't know how much longer I can force this smile, Ok I just got to go get my mind off of this. I ... I feel like I might just cry.

"Wait up girls!"

Author's Note

Chapter 2 has been updated and edited. Major thanks goes to Junegold for proofreading and helping out with the editing!