sauron [redone]

"so, let me get this straight. you, souromon, and applejack-"

"zombiejack."

"riiiiight. you, applejack, and souromon were taking a stroll, and really? you stumbled upon, a coven of demon-worshippers? how do you stumble upon something like that?"

"that's my alibi, and i'm sticking to it."

"and after that, you rescued a filly with a pentagram for a cutie mark?

"uh-huh."

[LONG EXAGGERATED SIGH] i don't think you should take strolls anymore, Sauron."

"they are very enthusiastic, yes. bye!"

"no! don't you dare-"

i disconnected the psychic link, and sighed. "man, what a bitch."

"hey!" i turned, and was greeted with a grotesque sight. zombiejack walked up to me and punched my leg. "ah may be an undead abomination now, but that's still mah princess you're dissin'." i shrugged.

"she ain't my princess. and what did you do with the filly? wasn't she on your back?"

she pointed back aways. "ah left 'er with souromon."

"that old pervert? why'dja do that?"

"ah, shoot. yah know he's with pinkie. stop bein' a prick." she twisted her neck around and smiled. "now lets go. fluttershy'll twist your dick off if you're late, and that'll be a problem for both of us."

"... see, to people, that sounds like we're an item."

she raised an eyebrow. "whadya mean, people?"

"talk to pinkie."

wait, what? oh FUCK! don't read that! thats spoilers! you're not supposed- *PINKIE!!!***

"YEAH?!"

why the fuck is something that's supposed to be in chapter 5 the first thing you read in chapter 1?!

"because the last one was so craptastic that they need something to look forward to so they invest their time into this!"

...i guess that's a valid point...

anyway, here's the real start of chapter one.

"100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,987,654,123,543,009 bottles of beer on the wall, you take one down, pass it around, 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,987,654,123,543,08 bottles of beer on the wall!" well that was boring. i sighed, and decided to watch the bush again. Stanley, i called it. or him. or she. i think i used to know a elf named Stanley. oh look, ponies!

"come on, kids! now, what does this one represent?" a purple earth pony with three smiling flowers on her ass, directed, somewhat clumsily, a large group of children. foals. whatever. larvae.

an orange filly, with purple hair raised her hoof and said, "i dunno. what do you think it means?" i like her. snarky.

i think i saw the teachers eye twitch. "nooo, scootaloo. it means corruption. the end of harmony. the death of love. the end of all hope. it is said that this is a statue of an actual creature, who terrorized the world long, long ago." a cacophony of 'ohhs' and 'awws' followed her little speech. i try not to brag, but...

BRAGBRAGBRAGBRAGBITCHBRAGBRAGBRAGBRAG!!!

and i'm bored again. man, a thousand years in stone, and less and less takes up your time. i cannot wait for something to happen.

"my, my, aren't you the odd one." speak of the devil. it was discord. the other statued freak in the garden. there may be more. he's the only one who looked interesting. he would have made a great minion. but he has a moral compass. that's bad. or good. maybe i'm the bad one. oh well.

"inner monologuing, are we? well go ahead." thanks. wait what? you can hear me? what a breach of trust.

"did we ever have any trust in the first place?" good point. i flexed my magic, and the stone encasing my body evaporated. and then i shot him through the face. with a magically enhanced hunting revolver.

"well that was fun." well, not really. but it was certainly therapeutic. i stretched, and could feel 206 bones crack as they moved for the first time in ages. i yawned, and teleported.

well the castle was hectic. oh wait. i forgot something. i reached out into the ether, and snagged discords soul before it could resurrect it self, and i stuffed it into my sword. world, meet the first random effect weapon! this deserves a party!

...or not.

moving on, i walked past a few terrified ponies, and sighed. my reputation preceded me. too bad for them. i needed to ask for directions. "ennie meenie, minnie, moe." i grabbed the pony, and asked them a simple question.

"hi, yeah. uh, do you know where the throne room is?"

the poor stallion was shaking in his horse shoes. "i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it's just down that way! please don't hurt me!" I shrugged and jammed my hand into his chest. as he was gasping for breath, my hand ignited, and he exploded. i flicked a bit of blood of off my gauntlet, and walked down the way he pointed.

"the pony who has invaded the castle can only be discord. we must be prepared, my little ponies. he is quickly approaching the throne room. do you have the elements?" princess celestia was perturbed. discord was never one for out-right invasion. he liked to play tricks, and show himself off by simply teleporting into the middle of the castle and bathing in the chaos. but this... she didn't know what to think. she looked over to her elements. her guardians. twilight sparkle and her friends, against all odds, purged the evil from her sister, and through she wasn't at full strength yet, she was steadily gaining her power back. they may not be able to completely defeat discord, but it might entrap him in stone once more.

"yes princess!" twilight sparkle put on her tiara, and she could feel the shared magic flow through her.

while they were doing that, i was busy looking for my other rings. most of them were out of range, but i definitely felt one in a nearby town. ponyville. it was being held by a pony named lyra heartstrings. apparently it's a wedding ring now. they'll be fun to deal with. i felt two more in the forest to the east of the town, the everfree. one was buried in the ruins of the old castle, and the other was being used by a diamond dog chieftain.

i cracked the bones in my fingers, and looked out a window. this place... equestria. it was beautiful. the sun shone over verdant fields, violent death was a foreign concept, and you could build a town near a forest full of monsters, and you wouldn't need to fortify it. an alien thought flashed through his mind.

was this the perfect world that Eru wanted? was this the world Melkor wanted? what did he want?

he was brought out of his brooding by a melodious voice speaking near him. "you wanted nought but death, Sauron, lord of the southern wastes." he swung around, and was greeted by a dark blue alicorn, looking at him sorrowfully.

"who are you?" he brought his hand down to his sword sheath, intending to test his new blade.

"i am princess luna, alicorn of the night, co-ruler of equestria, and previous wielder of the elements of honesty, generosity, and loyalty." she gave a quick bow. "i wish to inform you that my sister and the new element wielders are inside the throne room, waiting for you to enter, so they can smite you."

he raised an eyebrow. "why would you tell me that? aren't we enemies?"

Luna shook her head. "i don not wish to be enemies with you. unlike my sister, who wishes that every being on par or more powerful than her be locked up and forgotten, i wish to make alliances."

"why?"

"i will contact you later, in your dreams, so we will not be eavesdropped upon." her horn glowed and she teleported. 'fucking alicorns. all secretive and shit.' he shrugged and blasted a hole in a wall. it seems ponyville would be getting an unexpected visit.