sauron [redone]

by thatguy45

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 2164

sauron, the most evil being in middle earth, get's trapped in stone. he get's out.

he is eternal. with the powers of darkness he wields, he could have been a god. well, more of a god. only to be defeated by a hobbit. but with the last of his power, he opens a portal to another dimension. it was a humiliating defeat. it was a good plan on paper. go through portal. resurrect yourself. take over the world.

of course, it doesn't take very long for him to be stuck in a stone statue for a thousand years.

you know how it is.

completely redone. the old one was crap, and i can't get rid of the likes and dislikes, so i'm restarting it completely.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-25 03:55:26 UTC

chapter one

"so, let me get this straight. you, souromon, and applejack-"

"zombiejack."

"riiiiight. you, applejack, and souromon were taking a stroll, and really? you stumbled upon, a coven of demon-worshippers? how do you stumble upon something like that?"

"that's my alibi, and i'm sticking to it."

"and after that, you rescued a filly with a pentagram for a cutie mark?

"uh-huh."

[LONG EXAGGERATED SIGH] i don't think you should take strolls anymore, Sauron."

"they are very enthusiastic, yes. bye!"

"no! don't you dare-"

i disconnected the psychic link, and sighed. "man, what a bitch."

"hey!" i turned, and was greeted with a grotesque sight. zombiejack walked up to me and punched my leg. "ah may be an undead abomination now, but that's still mah princess you're dissin'." i shrugged.

"she ain't my princess. and what did you do with the filly? wasn't she on your back?"

she pointed back aways. "ah left 'er with souromon."

"that old pervert? why'dja do that?"

"ah, shoot. yah know he's with pinkie. stop bein' a prick." she twisted her neck around and smiled. "now lets go. fluttershy'll twist your dick off if you're late, and that'll be a problem for both of us."

"... see, to people, that sounds like we're an item."

she raised an eyebrow. "whadya mean, people?"

"talk to pinkie."

wait, what? oh FUCK! don't read that! thats spoilers! you're not supposed- *PINKIE!!!***

"YEAH?!"

why the fuck is something that's supposed to be in chapter 5 the first thing you read in chapter 1?!

"because the last one was so craptastic that they need something to look forward to so they invest their time into this!"

...i guess that's a valid point...

anyway, here's the real start of chapter one.

"100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,987,654,123,543,009 bottles of beer on the wall, you take one down, pass it around, 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,987,654,123,543,08 bottles of beer on the wall!" well that was boring. i sighed, and decided to watch the bush again. Stanley, i called it. or him. or she. i think i used to know a elf named Stanley. oh look, ponies!

"come on, kids! now, what does this one represent?" a purple earth pony with three smiling flowers on her ass, directed, somewhat clumsily, a large group of children. foals. whatever. larvae.

an orange filly, with purple hair raised her hoof and said, "i dunno. what do you think it means?" i like her. snarky.

i think i saw the teachers eye twitch. "nooo, scootaloo. it means corruption. the end of harmony. the death of love. the end of all hope. it is said that this is a statue of an actual creature, who terrorized the world long, long ago." a cacophony of 'ohhs' and 'awws' followed her little speech. i try not to brag, but...

BRAGBRAGBRAGBRAGBITCHBRAGBRAGBRAGBRAG!!!

and i'm bored again. man, a thousand years in stone, and less and less takes up your time. i cannot wait for something to happen.

"my, my, aren't you the odd one." speak of the devil. it was discord. the other statued freak in the garden. there may be more. he's the only one who looked interesting. he would have made a great minion. but he has a moral compass. that's bad. or good. maybe i'm the bad one. oh well.

"inner monologuing, are we? well go ahead." thanks. wait what? you can hear me? what a breach of trust.

"did we ever have any trust in the first place?" good point. i flexed my magic, and the stone encasing my body evaporated. and then i shot him through the face. with a magically enhanced hunting revolver.

"well that was fun." well, not really. but it was certainly therapeutic. i stretched, and could feel 206 bones crack as they moved for the first time in ages. i yawned, and teleported.

well the castle was hectic. oh wait. i forgot something. i reached out into the ether, and snagged discords soul before it could resurrect it self, and i stuffed it into my sword. world, meet the first random effect weapon! this deserves a party!

...or not.

moving on, i walked past a few terrified ponies, and sighed. my reputation preceded me. too bad for them. i needed to ask for directions. "ennie meenie, minnie, moe." i grabbed the pony, and asked them a simple question.

"hi, yeah. uh, do you know where the throne room is?"

the poor stallion was shaking in his horse shoes. "i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it's just down that way! please don't hurt me!" I shrugged and jammed my hand into his chest. as he was gasping for breath, my hand ignited, and he exploded. i flicked a bit of blood of off my gauntlet, and walked down the way he pointed.

"the pony who has invaded the castle can only be discord. we must be prepared, my little ponies. he is quickly approaching the throne room. do you have the elements?" princess celestia was perturbed. discord was never one for out-right invasion. he liked to play tricks, and show himself off by simply teleporting into the middle of the castle and bathing in the chaos. but this... she didn't know what to think. she looked over to her elements. her guardians. twilight sparkle and her friends, against all odds, purged the evil from her sister, and through she wasn't at full strength yet, she was steadily gaining her power back. they may not be able to completely defeat discord, but it might entrap him in stone once more.

"yes princess!" twilight sparkle put on her tiara, and she could feel the shared magic flow through her.

while they were doing that, i was busy looking for my other rings. most of them were out of range, but i definitely felt one in a nearby town. ponyville. it was being held by a pony named lyra heartstrings. apparently it's a wedding ring now. they'll be fun to deal with. i felt two more in the forest to the east of the town, the everfree. one was buried in the ruins of the old castle, and the other was being used by a diamond dog chieftain.

i cracked the bones in my fingers, and looked out a window. this place... equestria. it was beautiful. the sun shone over verdant fields, violent death was a foreign concept, and you could build a town near a forest full of monsters, and you wouldn't need to fortify it. an alien thought flashed through his mind.

was this the perfect world that Eru wanted? was this the world Melkor wanted? what did he want?

he was brought out of his brooding by a melodious voice speaking near him. "you wanted nought but death, Sauron, lord of the southern wastes." he swung around, and was greeted by a dark blue alicorn, looking at him sorrowfully.

"who are you?" he brought his hand down to his sword sheath, intending to test his new blade.

"i am princess luna, alicorn of the night, co-ruler of equestria, and previous wielder of the elements of honesty, generosity, and loyalty." she gave a quick bow. "i wish to inform you that my sister and the new element wielders are inside the throne room, waiting for you to enter, so they can smite you."

he raised an eyebrow. "why would you tell me that? aren't we enemies?"

Luna shook her head. "i don not wish to be enemies with you. unlike my sister, who wishes that every being on par or more powerful than her be locked up and forgotten, i wish to make alliances."

"why?"

"i will contact you later, in your dreams, so we will not be eavesdropped upon." her horn glowed and she teleported. 'fucking alicorns. all secretive and shit.' he shrugged and blasted a hole in a wall. it seems ponyville would be getting an unexpected visit.

chapter two

"i'm sorry to have wasted your time, twilight." princess Celestia bowed her head in shame. "i was so sure that Discord-"

"it was not Discord. it was Sauron."

Celestia cringed. that was even worse. sauron was... different. "okay, Sauron. i thought Sauron would come to the throne room. It appears i was wrong." she was weary of luna. she was too... nonchalant about this whole thing. "obviously, some pony alerted him to us. i want you to keep on your guard, my little ponies."

"n-no need for that, princess. well, the be cautious thing, that was right. b-but you didn't waste our time." she gave a small smile. her student was always good for a small laugh.

"in any case, you must head back to ponyville immediately, and prepare for many a long, sleepless night. with Sauron loose, we have no idea what will happen. until we find and recapture him, he is your top priority, lest an age of darkness befalls Equestria, as it did Griffinstone."

rainbows dash smirked. "don't worry princess! if i see him, i'll show him what it means to mess with the elements of harmony!" her proclamation was met with nods and hoof stomps from most of the bearers.

"W-with all due respect, Princess, what was the age of darkness?" surprisingly, the question came from Fluttershy.

it was hardly noticeable, but Celestias expression hardened a bit. "the age of darkness, my little ponies, was a horrific time for the griffin people. long after discord was sealed in stone, but before we were given our crowns, my sister and I traveled around the world, taking in what was left of the world, and helping ponies from all walks of life after discord ravaged their countries. were were met with death, disease, famine, tyranny, and dark, dark magic.

"we vowed to root out what was causing all of this strife, and promote harmony throughout the world. soon, we came across the small kingdom of Griffinstone. we were shocked at their plight. a dark, malicious, being had killed the last king, and was now ruling with an iron fist. that being was Sauron. his malicious presence was corrupting the other countries of the the world, and undermining the things we tried to do. but looking deeper, it was far worse than that. he was transforming the people of Griffinstone into monstrous undead creatures, forced to do his bidding. a third of the nation attempted to depose him at one point, and put their leader, on the throne, but they were no match for his magic. he slaughtered all of them, and threw the poor nation back into the stone age.

"we attempted to destroy him on our own, but he defeated us every time. he cared not for the lives lost in the battle, and willingly used his subjects as meat shields. eventually, we retreated, and rallied our armies. after a long, 20-year battle, we managed to capture, and defeat him. we believed that the elements would keep him frozen forever, but sadly, it appears that he was powerful enough to escape his bonds, and escape canterlot entirely."

she hung her head. "this is my fault. I have a very bad habit of ignoring possible dangers and leaving them to fester for years."

"Well, at least you admit it."

"You're not helping, luna."

today was a good day. immediately after arriving in ponyville, i saw the unicorn, Lyra Heartstrings, who was using my ring, pass right by me. ah, invisibility, how do I love thee? let me count the ways.

turning a corner, i slapped an unsuspecting mare on the rump. 'there's one.'

passing a group of foals, i noticed one, a unicorn, was attempting to levitate an apple. instead of helping her with that, i picked one of her friends up and tossed her onto a roof. 'that's two.'

"sweetie belle! tha' was amazin'! now how do i get off?"

"maybe you'll get your cutie mark in doing leaps-of-faith!"

"hey yeah! that sounds great!"

kids will be kids. turning another corner, i snagged a pear, and dropped it into a griffons purse. 'thats three. framing people for robbery always was fun.'

eventually, i followed the mint green mare into an unassuming two-story cottage. it was... quaint. yes that was the word. just homey enough to live in, but too pretty to convert into a torture lab without raising a few eyebrows. shame. aside from that, i figured out what they were using the ring for. i was wrong in assuming that it was being used as a wedding ring, as it appears that they were just roommates with benefits. no, it was locked in an enchanted jewelry box, and it would take some time to finagle my way around the security enchantments.

"Hi Bon Bon! i bought you those flowers you like!" god, what a voice. it sounds childish, and mature at the same time.

"thanks Lyra!" a cream colored mare with purple an drink hair gave her a pony equivalent of a hug, and trotted off with the bag. I silently gagged. love sucked. and so did everyone else who