Shining Armor and Cadence have sex and make a baby together and it's really romantic, but more of a romantic comedy really.

by Good Christian Ethesto

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Gore, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Romance, Comedy, Shining Armor, Sex
Length: 4430

When Shining Armor puts the world at stake, Cadence has to share a spicy, romantic evening with him. However, it's thanks to this that she learns what it truly means to be a mother.

When Shining Armor puts the world at stake, Cadence has to share a spicy, romantic evening with him. However, it's thanks to this that she learns what it truly means to be a mother.

Warning: My editor told me to mention that this story contains a few fart jokes. If that kind of thing triggers you, please skip that part.

Published 2016-02-23 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-23 03:30:01 UTC

Happy Mommer's Day!

The night was young, and Supreme Crystal Princess Cadence tap danced her way into the bedroom with dizzying speed. Tonight would be a special one, and she could feel the vital goo churning in her tender loins. As she segued into the third and final act of her dance, the door was flung off its hinges, narrowly missing Cadence's head by mere millimothers as it smashed its way through the paper machet walls with an arrogance only wood can know.

"Lucy, I'm home!" announced Supreme Crystal Prince Shining Armor. This earned him a laugh from the live studio audience as well as those reading from home (laugh). After proclaiming his arrival, Shining Armor stepped to the side and pressed the doorbell three times, always on his best manners.

Cadence couldn't stop now, not when she was so close, and without breaking a sweat she puked out her words, "halt, who goes there?!"

Shining Armor was hardly known for his patience, and his brow furled like a used tissue as an outhuman rage dripped from every pore on his body. "Do not ask for whom the bell tolls," he chided, cold, calculated hate billowing from his fangs at every syllable, "it tolls for thee."

Spinning on her scalp and landing haphazardly on her spine, Cadence ended the dance and finally looked up to see her sweet, dearly-beloved husband standing at the door with utmost patience. Her head revolved in a clear cultural gesture, and Shining Armor entered the room, a smile stuck permanently on the wax mask he wore over his bare skull.

"Your dance was sloppy. If you were one of my recruits back when I was a captain I'd bite your neck scruff to let you know I was in charge," said Shining Armor romantically. He winked a few times, and blew a rose out of his mouth, the thorns of which had cut his eloquent tongue.

Cadence remained on her back as she began to pee straight up in ecstasy, and before long her bladder was empty and her head flew back in bliss. "You're such a swell guy," she observed, happy to be in Shining Armor's presence but also happy that their relationship wasn't anything serious, "I'm glad we're friends."

"Friends with benadryl," Shining remarked as he spat a few pills onto his wife's exposed tummy rumpler. She ate them all in one bite, even though they were coated in blood and brown, oily mucus from Shining Armor's toothless mouth.

"Thank you for dinner," Cadence said with a bow, feeling the butterflies in her stomach from lunch. As the pills fizzled in her tummy, her stomach and intestines expanded as horses can't burp, and she finally stood up. "Ut-oh, looks like I'm gonna have some seeeeerious gas tonight," she foreskinshadowed.

Shining Armor's skeletal cheeks heated up with blush cells, and his entire face melted like an aged candle before re-coalescing into a facsimile of a big-lipped black man, but white. "Gurl, that's so hot I'd blow on it to cool it before putting it in my mouth."

Cadence flapped her humongous eyelids, blowing Shining Armor onto his bare back. "Shut up and kiss me," she demanded, priming her kissing-lips.

"No," said Shining Armor, his face prolapsing in anger like a smelly, girl vagina. "But I will k1ss you." The difference is he swapped out the 'i' for a '1'. Cadence was hardly prepared for this new development, and before she could even pull the pepper spray from her purse and spray it directly into his eyes, he was violating her lips with his own lips in the most passionate k1ss you'll likely ever read about.

After a few decades, he pulled away, a cheesy strand of saliva stretching between their raw lips like saliva-y cheese from an overzealous pizza. His internalized misogyny has prevented him from fulfilling her request, and now he was a rapist. Without even so much as an apology, he leaned forward and stuck his tongue into her ear, before vibrating it and expunging sound waves directly into her brain. "I'm going to get you pregnant," he said, letting his wife know his ill-intent. She coward, wishing for anything other than that. She'd much rather he turn this rape into a murder.

"B-but, I'm a virgin," she gasped, the gaping, whale-teeth-like flaps of her no-no-zone spilling the metaphorical beans on her obvious lie.

Shining Armor's eyes illuminated with an emotion unknown to us humans, and he cackled remorsefully as he felt his own no-no-zone writhing in anticipation. "That only makes my rock harder," he said, quoting me, the narrator.

Now Cadence was interested, her curiosity getting the better of her as she popped her peepers and took a look at Shining's features. "Wow," she thought aloud as she made her observations, "that doesn't look normal or healthy, and certainly not like any genitals I've ever known."

"What you don't know won't hurt you," he lied, the barbed, echidna-esque tip of his stark meat monstrosity flapping open and letting out a hiss like an annoyed opossum. "Unless you're made of meat, in which case it will hurt a lot."

Cadence looked down yet again, only to realize that she was, in fact, made of meat. Big meat, small meat, meat the size of your head! Meat good and meat bad, the meat of which Cadence was made, and this surely spelled disaster for her. "Perhaps there is another way," she stalled, looking around the room for a distraction. "My meat is not the only meat, after all."

"But it is meat, is it not?" wondered Shining as he adjusted his glasses. His eyesight wasn't what it used to be.

"Perhaps yes, perhaps not yes," she said cleverly. "But you're missing the point. What I'm trying to say is that I'm hungry again."

Shining Armor gasped like that one anime character, his head flying back in shock before being jerked back into place by its tether. "Why didn't you say so sooner? We had all the time in the world! What were you possibly thinking?"

Cadence couldn't help but feel the probing lick of shame, and her blush cells radiated sexual frustration from her cheeks. "I hardly see how that matters now. I demand sustenance. You would not deny me this over something so petty, or are you not the manhorse I think you to be?"

Shining Armor stood impossibly straight, or likely possibly straight, before nodding once. "I am that manhorse." Without another word he reached into the pouch on his tummy and pulled out a banana.

"Ooooh banana," crowed Cadence, the targeting mechanisms in her eyes locking on to the yellow vegetable.

"You can have it, but for a price," Shining Armor explained as he held the misshapen, yellow tree appendage tantalizingly.

"Name it, for the banana I'd die a thousand times. A thousand times!" She happened to like bananas almost as much as she enjoyed taquitos, a dangerous thing considering the current state of her intestines.

"I wish to put a baby in you. I also wish for that baby's safety as it coalesces into something that will bring doom to this mortal plane," he admitted, putting his noble intentions on the table like Horsegiving dinner.

"Sure," she agreed, her fingers crossed behind her back the entire time. She'd be sure to expunge the fetus at the first opportunity and then devour it for nutrients.

"Then feast," he offered, placing the banana into her palm. It fit so perfectly in her hand that she briefly wondered if perhaps bananas were made by some greater power specifically so she could eat them. But then she realized how stupid such a notion was and decided to simply eat the damned thing already. It wasn't until she peeled the flesh from its gooey exterior and took a large, sloppy bite of the tip, that she noticed something was wrong. Giving the banana a second examination yielded her with all the answers she could want, and she swallowed her mouthful as the revelation sank in.

"This is no ordinary-human banana," she announced, inspecting it with a new light as she'd used her magic to turn on the lamp on the desk.

"Your reputation exceeds you," stated Shining Armor respectfully. "I was told you were wise. It is only now I see how wise you truly are."

"What have you done?" Her eyes narrowed and there was venom in her throat, which she spat out.

Shining Armor's face stretched like silly putty , revealing his skeleton cheeks as he smiled. "Since you insist on being difficult, I simply made it impossible for you to refuse my company. I have taken it upon myself to remove the genitals of all horses, man and women, in the entirety of the crystal kingdom. You will find them under your bed, if you don't believe me. Without regular transfusions of sex, you will wither and die. You need need me."

Cadence spewed blood from her rectum in surprise, and she couldn't help but chuckle a bit at Shining's devotion. This was truly what he wanted, and in the end, she wasn't really against it. It would seem this game of cat and mouse had come to an end. In one big bite she gulped down what remained of the 'banana', which was a severed penis FYI, and looked up at her would-be lover with a few sultry eyes. "K, let's do this."

She had no idea what she was getting herself into, and within a second she was pressed against the floor as Shining Armor leaned back down on her, whispering directly into her mouth. "Should you survive this, our child will be the grandest of all. Let it begin." With this simple command the second and third head of his three-pronged genitals snaked their way from the crevices of his nest-like scrotum, squealing and writhing, the heads nipping at one another like an adolescent hydra. It was only when they were pressed against the princesses' soft, pink flesh that they diverted their attention from one another, opting to instead nip at Cadence's tender nipples, of which she had six. Despite the fact that there were more than enough to go around, the penises still nipped and hissed at each other, rivals in all things, even the suckling of teets.

"If your penises wish only the company of themselves, why do you need me?" asked Cadence, impatient with Shining Armor's poor control of his deformed genitalia.

"You think them so easily tamed?" He snickered, thinking of the time he'd tried to teach them like dogs. "They do not obey men nor the gods they serve, and they desire only blood. A thousand before you have been devoured by their insatiable appetite, but I suspect you will be different."

"Different?" She wondered as they sucked the powdered, baby formula from her tender nips, slurping noisily as though they were consuming the last bits of a milkshake from the bottom of a cup.

"You posses something I've been looking for. Something that would make you the ideal mother for my spawn. You will know no peace, and the unholy abomination you gestate will bring destruction and agony to all you've ever known. My presence here heralds the end times. But I digress." He wished not to talk, but to fuck, and now it was time to get serious.

Reaching down with his mouth, he bit the tip of one foreleg and in a swift neck motion removed the plastic cap with a 'pop'. Where the artificial hoof once was there was now another dick head. It gasped for air, cawing like a raven as it reveled in freedom. With practiced motions, he repeated the process for each of his appendages, finishing with his tail. He now had a total of eight dick heads, each of which wiggled on tentacle-like necks as though he were an inhuman octopus.

Unfortunately for Cadence, he wasn't finished, and it was already far too late for her. With a puff of released steam, his head separated from his torso just above the neck and fell away, revealing that it was simply a horse mask all along. One that had hidden the ninth, and largest dick head of all. It licked its lips, revealing rows and rows of needle-like teeth protruding haphazardly from its peni.

Cadence's eyes dilated in terror, and she finally saw the face of doom. "No, it can't be you! It can't be!"

"But it is. I, XxPussyDestroyer69xX, have waited a long time for this, princess."

"B-but, you were banned! My dad worked for Microsoft! I SAW YOU GET BANNED WITH MY OWN TWO EYES!" She tried to struggle, but he quickly wrapped her in dicks, easily overpowering her futile attempt to break free.

"No ban can contain me forever you impotent whelp. I am eternal. I have brought doom to a million worlds and 360 no scoped a billion noobs. My K/D will blot out the sun!"

"Then we'll fight in the shade," responded Cadence, the futility of all things not quite sinking through her led skull, much like all forms of radiation.

"We'll see how well you fight without any arms," he said, a smug smile permanently etched onto the smooth skin of his face. "I'll be taking those!"

With precision, his many limbs snaked their way around those of Cadence, coiling tightly as they began to pull. "Wait," she pleaded, "how will I poo without those?"

"You can poop from your mouth like a commoner, you uptight bitch. Now, feel the power given to me by the dark lords I serve!" She redoubled her struggles and XxPussyDestroyer69xX's powerful members pulled in all directions, hoping to tear her limbs from their sockets.

In mere moments, and with a deafening pop that echoed through the palace's multiple empty corridors, Cadence's many limbs detached from her torso leaving puss-filled craters in their wake. "I'm into amputees," remarked XxPussyDestroyer69xX matter-of-factly as cold saliva pooled at the base of his peni like precum.

"You'll be into the ground when I'm through with you," threatened Cadence despite her apparent vulnerable state. "Six feet into the ground, to be exact."

"Too many details for me," he responded nonchalantly as he inspected the limbs he'd yoinked with an appraising eye. "These limbs are gross, but they would make a fine coaster for my drink."

Unfortunately for XxPussyDestroyer69xX, Cadence was far from conceding, and while he inspected his newest prize, she was thinking of new and interesting ways to throw a damper on his sinister plot. Then she got an idea. An awful idea. Cadence got a wonderful, awful idea.

Cadence grinned, her big red nose and eggman mustache flapping excitedly as she started cackling. "Foolish human," she began, revealing that she's not a human, "What's stopping me from just self destructing right here and now? What are the stakes?"

The monstrous penis creature gave her a look with his peneye, one that promised infinite pain. "Foolish amalgamation of gibs and goo, don't you see? The world is at stake!" Reaching into one of his many scrotes, he produced a detonator. "I've planted a thermonuclear warhead somewhere in the tristate area. Should you deny me sex, I will push this here big red button and then it's curtains for them, capisce?"

Cadence figuratively hung her head because she couldn't physically do it without any arms. "I'm full of shame," she admitted, realizing that she'd been acting selfishly, putting her own desires before the lives of potentially trillions of innocent civilians, and perhaps some guilty ones too. "I guess you win."

This was exactly what XxPussyDestroyer69xX wanted to hear, and with zest, he let out some kekkles like an overzealous and zealotless zergling. "Kekekekeke."

"Fuck me so hard they have to glue me back together," explained Cadence like a great horned owl, or should I say a great horny owl?

"You're gonna look like Florida after Hurricane Katrina when I'm through with you, if you catch my driftwood," he replied like a horned toad, or should I say a horny toad?

"I want you to rape me like one of your African girls," she admitted, not even caring that it was in bad taste.

"Your vagina is gonna be like Imperial Japan because I'm gonna blow my load twice before it's over," he lied. He'd likely cum hundreds if not thousands of times before this was over.

"I don't want to walk ever again after this."

"By the time I'm done with you, your loins will look like post-WW2 Europe."

"Just mess me up."

"Your pussy will be to semen as Auschwitz was to Jews," he compared.

Cadence was done mincing words. It was time to mince meat! She began stretching open her mouth, and XxPussyDestroyer69xX's heart skipped a beat as he knew what was cumming(hue) next. With a crunchy and satisfying pop, her jaw unhinged like that of a python, allowing her to open her jaws wide enough to consume, for example, a young human or a small animal. This was only the start of the fun, and like monkeys in a barrel, there was more fun waiting inside.

XxPussyDestroyer69xX quickly pulled out a flashlight and shined it directly into her mouth, eager to see every excruciating detail as the folded flaps in the back of her throat began separating, revealing two different tunnels. One led down into her stomach and served as a food hole and doubled as a way to regurgitate waste while the other hole led directly into her skull where her primary genitals were located.

Since I'm an expert at writing, I know to always assume my audience is less educated than myself, so I'll give a brief explanation on magic horse anatomy since you probably don't know shit. Basically, their primary genitals, the ones they use for reproduction, are hidden inside the soft casing of their skulls, and their brains are located in their rumps. Why do you think their cutie marks appear there and not on their heads, you fucking idiot? Any tertiary genitals are wholly ornamental, and serve no purpose outside foreplay, though most magical horses hide them with hoof caps or full-body skin-tight skin suits.

With that said, Cadence opened the forbidden passage directly into her head, revealing the throbbing, muscular tunnel to XxPussyDestroyer69xX. He let out a breath, a shiver working its way down from base to tip of each and every one of his penises as he gazed on what was undoubtedly the sexiest sight he'd ever seen all day. "Ooo hot mama," he spouted as he has a mom fetish, which is part of why he's trying to put a baby in her so hard, FYI.

Cadence frowned, and the tiny fingers in her neck strummed her vocal cords like a gweeter. "I grow impatient," she rumbled, not moving her mouth as she spoke.

This was all the prompting XxPussyDestroyer69xX needed, and he lined up his dick head with her head vagina while simultaneously lining up his dick limbs with her severed limb holes. "You're gonna look like Pearl Harbour whe-" he started, only to get a dirty look from Cadence, who was tired of him beating around the bush.

He blushed, and moved in, actually beating around the bush literally this time as he rubbed his head through her pube-like mane and facial hair while also combing his other dicks through her armpit and crotch hair. A few quick laps around the park, and he was ready for action, pulling back slightly like a cobra about to strike as he lined himself up. Then, like the drill that will pierce the heavens, he rammed forward with everything he had, his full demonic might propelling his head into her mouth.

With a wet pop it plunged its way into her percolating flesh tunnel, warm mucus and saliva coating its tip as, much like the juggernaut, it smashed its way right in, entering and expanding her head vagina with its girth. Cadence moaned, having not felt the touch of a horse man in over an hour, and she closed her eyes as he delved ever deeper into her snatch. At the same time his other limbs, including his triheaded tertiary penis made their way into all manner of other holes, using her vital goo as lube as they got up in those guts.

Before long, Cadence was literally chocked full of dicks. Big dicks, small dicks, dicks the size of your head. Cadence had so many dicks in her, she was probably more dick than horse at this point. This was perfectly normal for her, though, as she's a gigantic whor(s)e. Eventually, XxPussyDestroyer69xX's head dick had delved its way all the way to its base, ramming into the back of Cadence's skull and even Cadence had to admit its length was impressive. She was surprised it wasn't even black.

At this point, she basically looked like that one picture of a hamster with a banana in its mouth. You know the one.

(WARNING: FART JOKES)

XxPussyDestroyer69xX was about to pull out and ram his massive junk back into the murky depths of her sticky woman parts, when suddenly a deep rumbling echoed from Cadence's throat and a moment later a fart squeezed its way out from around his cock.

"Pppppfftttt," she said, passing gas nonchalantly.

"Oh gross," said XxPussyDestroyer69xX, "I hate farts."

"It's perfectly natural," she said before burping up another fart, this one even longer and more explosive. "PPPPPPpppffft!"

"Ew, don't cut the cheese while we're having passionate sex."

"It's more passionate this way, ppppppppfffffffffffft," she explained, her throat sphincter trumpeting as it exhaled yet another fart, the bass of her flatulence beating drums into despair.

"I'm inclined to disagree," he said, wrinkling his dick nose, his eyes starting to tear up as he was face-first in smelly girl farts. "What did you eat?"

Her farts smelled of onions and the putrid rot of decaying flesh. "A few onions and putrid, decaying flesh," she explained before farting aggressively. "PPPPFFFT!"

"Please stop, you're ruining the mood."

"I hate to toot my own horn," she ignored, "but I'm especially gassy right now. Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppeeeeert!" As she finished her longest, most explosive fart of them all, XxPussyDestroyer69xX decided to put an end to this farting business once and for all. Stabbing his tail dick directly into her tummy like some inhuman scorpion, he poked a hole in her enlarged intestine.

Instantly, a desperate wheezing came from the percolating hole as gas escaped from her ruptured organs like a deflating balloon. "Ppppppppppppfffffffffffffft-pppft-pft," it said, sputtering out a few last farts before falling silent.

"Are you quite finished now?" He asked, tired of all these farts.

"Yeah."

(FART JOKES END)

"Now then, XxPussyDestroyer69xX will get back to work," XxPussyDestroyer69xX narrated as he did just that. He once again got to thrusting and unthrusting in a pattern that was sure to wank his willy, eager to spew a million, or perhaps even a thousand sperm into this cum dumpster. This 'semen demon', if you will, was going to get her pregnant so hard her ancestors would be dizzy. She was going to look like post-WWII Europe after this was over, again, because I already used that joke.

And that's when the tiny, cartilage dam at the base of his shaft shattered, the levies broken and all hell breaking loose. And by hell, I mean cum. XxPussyDestroyer69xX let out a gasp as scalding sperm juice marched through his urethra like an army of radioactive rubber pants, prodding the walls with their needle-like tails and filling XxPussyDestroyer69xX with ecstasy as he has a pain fetish. "I'm gonna sheeeeewt!" he screamed before blowing his load inside of Cadence's head, filling it to the brim with liquid and instantly impregnating her.

"Aw jeez," said Cadence who suddenly had a craving for bacon and chocolate... and human flesh. "I can really feel the baby kicking." It was already half-formed, and near ready to leave her vagoo.

"Wow, I'm gonna be a dad!" Yelled XxPussyDestroyer69xX excitedly, the happiest he'd been in years. "I literally can't wait."

"Then lucky you. You don't have to wait," Cadence explained, her horn lighting up as she performed a simple magic spell that even a child could do, expelling the child from her head.

"Wait, where'd it go?!" XxPussyDestroyer69xX yelled, looking around frantically for his perfect spawn.

"Exactly 6 years, 2 months, 8 days, 4 hours, 21 minutes, 89 seconds, 60 nanoseconds, 31 micronanoseconds, 18 tinyseconds into the past," said Cadence.

"No!" Cried XxPussyDestroyer69xX, "not Exactly 6 years, 2 months, 8 days, 4 hours, 21 minutes, 89 seconds, 60 nanoseconds, 31 micronanoseconds, 18 tinyseconds into the past! That's the day... That fateful day."

"Yes, that's right, the day Twilight Sparkle was born," Cadence explained smugly, "I put our baby in your mortal mother! In a sense, I fucked your mom."

"But that means-"

"That's right, Twilight Sparkle isn't your sister, she's your daughter!"

A bunch of skeletons danced by the pair dramatically, playing their own bones like xylophones as XxPussyDestroyer69xX gasped in shock. "No, it can't be!"

"But don't worry, having foreseen all of this happening, I invited Twilight Sparkle to the castle, and she should be arriving any second now." Just then, there was a knock at the castle door. Cadence opened it with magic and Twilight Sparkle walked all the way up all the stairs and into their room.

"Yo guys, what's going on in he-," began Twilight, only to see the room almost entirely on fire, a penis demon, and Aunt Cadence without any arms. "What are you doing without your disguise on, onii-chan?" Twilight wondered aloud.

XxPussyDestroyer69xX blushed, realizing only now how shameful his life had been. He'd had sex with Twilight Sparkle a thousand times in fanfictions, but it turns out she wasn't his sister at all. She was his daughter! Now that was just immoral, and XxPussyDestroyer69xX wasn't about that. "Oh, my hubris," he yelled as he flew up into the ceiling and detonated in a giant fireball.

"SIONARAAAAAAA!"

"He didn't even recite his death haiku," Cadence said in disappointment. "No matter, evil has been vanquished, and the day is saved. But I can't help but think I'm forgetting something."

That's when Twilight, unfazed by anything as she has severe brain damage from consuming too much friendship, pulled out a thermonuclear warhead. "I found this while wandering through the tri-state area on my way here."

"Oh no, Twilight, that's a booooooomb, aaaaah!" Yelled Cadence.

But it didn't explode, and everyone lived happily ever after... And that's when the meteor hit.