Chapters The sun hung low in the sky as I sat looking out the window. The summer breeze made waves in the grass while the trees whispered to each other with the rustling of their full branches. Summer birds were singing their songs; a jovial reverie for another day well spent, another hour or two in the sun before Luna's night swaddles the land in her dark blanket. Off to the left, almost out of sight, was the road leading to Ponyville. The town had been so good to me in the last five years; the ponies who lived there were ponies to whom I owed a debt of gratitude for accepting me so readily into their community. I sat at that window for an hour, looking out at the field, lost in thought and contemplation before a voice pulled me back to reality.
“Anon? What're you still doin' here? Shouldn't ya be out at work'r somethin'?” Applejack had just woken up. Her voice was soft and tired. In the four years I had been with her, I never heard her sound like she did then.
“It's seven, hon,” I took a seat next to the hospital bed where my Applejack lay and stroked her mane. “And besides, do you really think I'd let you be here alone?” She smiled weakly. The doctors were baffled. Such a sudden onset, they weren't sure if she'd make it. But she was a fighter; never let anything get in her way, never let anything bring her down.
“Ah guess yer right, sug.” She snuggled up to my hand as I sat there brushing her soft golden mane.
“And hey, when you get out of here, I found a nice plot of land out west. We can go take a look at it as soon as you get better.”
“Ah'd love that, Anon. It's a date.” Her brilliant green eyes shone with happiness before closing under the weight of sleep and sickness. “Ah'll be outta here in no time at all. Just you wait...”
“Goodnight, Applejack. I'll see you tomorrow.”
“Mmmph, o'course, sug, I love you...”
“I love you too...” I kept my hand on her head until she was fast asleep. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't have moved until I knew she had gone to sleep happy, knowing I'd be back to see her in the morning.
The sun was going down when I left the hospital; its fading light casting a rosy glow over the field as I walked down the road to Ponyville. The birds had finished their evening overture, leaving the summer's night quiet and serene. I had walked that path every day for the past week to see my Applejack. Often her friends and family would come, bearing stories, jokes, gifts, and good cheer, but I kept a vigil, as it were. I would stay by her side for as long as she needed me to. As I walked slowly down the road there came a sound of flapping wings ahead. I looked up to see the sky-blue pegasus Rainbow Dash approaching me. The last week had taken its toll on us all; as long as Applejack was sick the world seemed a darker place. Even Rainbow Dash, normally so full of life and youthful exuberance carried herself with melancholy as she came up the road.
“How is she?” Rainbow Dash looked up at me, her deep magenta eyes searching, hoping for good news.
“Not good, Dash. Not good...” I struggled to keep my composure. The pegasus picked up immediately on my state and lay a comforting hoof on my shoulder.
“Look at me, Anon. Applejack's gonna make it. She always makes it. You've gotta believe in her.” Her assurance was half-hearted. Behind her words floated a pony terrified for her friend, not knowing what would happen; as in the dark as I was, and as affected as I was by it.
“I know, Rainbow...just...” My voice wavered. Seeing my Applejack like that, with the machines and the tubes, smelling that astringent hospital smell that saturated the air... It was almost unbearable.
“It's OK, Anon. We're all worried about Applejack. You're not alone in this. No matter what happens, we'll all be here for you. Both of you.” Her eyes were full of sad determination, reflecting the waning light of the sun as she spoke to me.
“Thank you, Rainbow. Thank you...” Loyal even in the hardest times, Rainbow Dash was as strong a mare as Applejack, if more hot-headed, rebellious, and certainly more brash. She was the one who helped me realize my feelings for Applejack in the first place. As I walked back to my house I remembered part of the story.
It was six months since I arrived in Equestria. I had settled in to a modest house and started working at the library with Twilight Sparkle. In only a few months, I had become an accepted member of the community. The ponies took me in as one of their own, despite the clear differences between them and I. Not only that, I had become close friends with several of the pastel-colored mares, one of whom was sleeping off a night of drinking on my couch. Rainbow Dash stirred as I went to the kitchen. The deep aroma of brewing coffee soon pulled the cyan pony to the table as I poured it, steaming, into two mugs.
“Thanks, Anon. I seriously need a pick-me-up.” She drank happily as I took a seat, sipping from my own mug. We sat at the table for a while, basking in the spring morning light filtering in through the kitchen window.
“Good morning, Applejack,” I grinned as she recovered from the surprise of my preemptive greeting.
“M-mornin' Anon, Ah was just er- passin' through, though you maht be in'ersted in some apples?” She lifted the bushel as she spoke.
“I'd love some. They look great, as always, Applejack.” I took a few of the red fruits from the bushel. “You want to come in? I've got a pot of coffee on.”
“Hey Anon,” Rainbow's voice echoed from the kitchen “pick me up some apples too, will ya?” Applejack's face flashed, for the briefest moment, a look of pain before a slight pink came over her cheeks.
“A-ah, really oughtn't. Lots a' work ta do today, y'know?” She looked away.
“Oh, alright, well, thanks for the apples. I'll see you later then?”
“A' course, Anon. Take care.” She trotted off, her strides more rapid than on her approach. Rainbow Dash floated to the door as I closed it. She cast me a suggestive look.
“Sorry, Anon, did I mess up your game?” She nudged my side with her marshmallowy hoof.
“What do you mean, Rainbow?” I looked at the pegasus, confused.
“Wow, you're really clueless, huh?”
“Whatever, grab something to carry these apples in. I got a couple for you before Applejack left.” Rainbow Dash shot me a knowing look before floating off to find a basket.
As I walked to the living room I happened a glance out the window. Amidst the dancing shadows of the trees I saw Applejack on her way down the road. She stopped and, almost as if she knew I was there, turned and looked back at my house. Before I could make out her expression she turned back and continued on her way. A small, familiar knot developed in my stomach and I went back to the kitchen, more to take my mind off of it than to actually clean up anything. Rainbow left later that morning, taking the apples with her and leaving me to think to myself about what she had said to me. What did she mean “mess up my game?” The knot in my stomach grew as I thought more about Applejack's reaction to hearing Rainbow in my house. The same knot that seemed to form whenever I was near Applejack. Of course, I always chalked it up to nerves, or my being tired, or wired.
It hit me when I held one of the apples she had given me. Its polished red surface shone in the light of Celestia's graceful sun and I found myself picturing Applejack, hard at work harvesting the fruits. The morning sun played off her flaxen mane as she knocked apple after apple out of each tree- I shook the thoughts from my head and felt the knot suddenly tighten as I realized what my friend's awkward behavior meant. I got up and went to the door. I had to catch up with Rainbow Dash. I had to find someone to talk to about Applejack. As I ran down the road, a teasing voice came down from a tree and nearly sent me to the ground in surprise.
“Where are you goin' in such a hurry, Anon?” I looked up to see Rainbow Dash lounging in the low branches as she looked down at me, a smirk on her face.
“Did- were you waiting here this whole time?”
“Well, duh” She took a bite out of one of the apples I'd given her from Applejack. “So did ya finally figure it out, Anon, or are you just running around like that for kicks?” The pegasus descended from the tree to face me. The confident drive I'd felt leaving the house failed me when I tried to speak.
“Er- “
“Oh come ON, Anon. Don't make me spell it out for ya.” Rainbow cut me off impatiently, her hoof in her face.
“Applejack's...interested...?”
“-In you, yeah. Sheesh, I thought you'd never get it.” The cyan pony cracked a smile as she looked at my dumbfounded face. I'd realized it back at the house, but hearing it said aloud sent me into shock again. There was a minute of silence before Rainbow spoke up again. “So are ya gonna do something about it, or what?”
“I...guess? I don't know...”
“Geez, dude, you seriously don't know if you're into AJ? I've seen how you two are around each other. Just do it.”
“Why are you so keen on this, Rainbow?”
“Because Applejack's my friend, and she's been tryin' to get your attention for like, ever, Anon. It's getting painful to watch you totally missing the cues.” She got right up in my face as she spoke, the sun reflecting the determination in her eyes. “Go get 'er, Anon.”
I took off down the road after Rainbow's pep-talk. She was right, I was totally oblivious to my own feelings, let alone Applejack's. I hurried into town to find her before anxiety could get the better of me. Luck was on my side that day, and I found her walking down Mane Street, her head hanging low and her green eyes cast at the ground. An impish boldness came over me and I crept up behind the orange pony.
“Why so glum?” Applejack jumped in surprise when I spoke, losing her hat in the process. I reached down and picked it up, brushing the dust from the brim.
“Ah, er- Ah was just-” She stammered for a while before I interrupted by wrapping my arms around her. I could practically feel the blood rushing to her face.
“Sorry I didn't do this earlier, Applejack.” I let her go and set the hat back on her head. “I was never very good at social cues.” The orange pony stared at me, her face bright red, mouth open in total shock. “You still up for that coffee?” She nodded slowly as the blush began to fade and she regained her composure as she followed me to the cafe.
I awoke in my chair in the morning, the birds tweeting their collective song to herald the coming of a new day. I looked down to see in my hand the photo of Applejack that I kept on the mantle. It was her gift to me for our first anniversary. Applejack bore a face of quiet contentment and happiness as her visage looked at me from the frame. I had spent the evening recollecting how we had met. The story seemed to flood back into my mind when I held the photo. Winona bounded into the room, her tail wagging, excited for breakfast. Applejack had brought the dog with her when she moved in with me a year prior. She listened to everything Applejack told her to do, but seemed content to totally ignore my commands unless it was to do something she wanted. I got up finally, and placed the photograph back on the mantle before making coffee. After cleaning up and feeding Winona I decided to take a walk. It was still a few hours until the hospital opened for visitors and I needed to clear my head. I stepped outside into the morning sun and wandered to the park almost aimlessly before I came to an old tree. Its branches hung heavily, covered by summer dew while the grass, bent under the weight of the droplets, glinted in the sun. The tree was one of many that I had lain under with Applejack. When we weren't working or out pursuing other interests we'd lie under the trees of Ponyville, relaxing in the shade the leaves provided. Those moments of tranquility, the serene comfort we drew from having the other near, memories that, until recently, had brought me such joy, now tore at my chest. The inescapable shadow of anxiety hung over me as I turned to the road and made my way to the hospital.
The astringent smell of rubbing alcohol and disinfectant filled my lungs as I walked down the halls to Applejack's room. Doctor ponies trotted down linoleum-tiled floors, their hoof falls echoing over the quiet hum and beeping of medical equipment. A numb daze came over me as I walked, trance-like through the hospital. The noise of the staff became muted and I passed into the ICU like an automaton, no longer even thinking of where I was going. I came at last to Applejack's room and, mentally, back to my senses. The flowers that Fluttershy had left the previous day were still fresh in their vase, bathed in the sunlight that poured in through the window. Applejack lay asleep under the pale green sheets, her bundled form slowly moving up and down as she breathed. I sank into the seat by the window. It wasn't long before she stirred from sleep. I moved to the chair by her bed and kissed her forehead as she wearily opened her eyes.
“Good morning, Applejack.” She looked up at me. Her green eyes were as beautiful as ever, but they were tired. They were the eyes of a pony who had been fighting for her life in that hospital bed, knowing that it could very well be a futile struggle.
“Mornin', hon.” Her voice was quiet. She smiled weakly and sat up as I looked at her. I had to keep myself from breaking down in front of her. She didn't need to see tears. I wouldn't allow it. She saw it, though. “It's OK, sugarcube.” Even in her illness she was stronger than me. I fell forward and put my arms around her, burying my face in her mane.
“Please...” I couldn't take it. I felt hot tears running down my face as I clutched the mare whom I loved so dearly and whispered, pleading, “Please...I can't lose you...I can't....” She remained silent for a while, letting me hold her in my arms
“D'ya remember yer one-year annivers'ry a' comin' here?” Applejack asked, breaking her silence, “We'd bin together fer a few months 'n ya got so down on yerself you wan'ed ta quit on me?” It was a leading question, I knew, I composed myself as best I could.
“I remember.” I said quietly, recalling the scene in my mind. I didn't consider it one of my finer moments.
I had been in Equestria for a year then. By that time I had been with Applejack for about six months and I could feel myself falling for her. Her strong will and honest nature, which was her public face, covered up her sensitive, intimate side, the side I was so drawn to, and the more time we spent together, the more of ourselves that we shared, the greater and more passionate the bond between us grew. That day, though, I felt alone. Pinkie Pie had thrown a huge party for me the night before, her biggest ever. My friends saw that anniversary as marking the day I came into their lives, and they celebrated that, but for me it marked the day I had been torn from one world and cast into another without so much as a chance to say goodbye. So I walked through the woods, alone with my thoughts, trying to let the fiery autumn leaves take my mind off the nagging doubt that the anniversary of my arrival had brought on. The sense that my life in Equestria was temporary, that I didn't belong, that I could be expunged from this world and thrown into a new one at any time ate at me as I was reminded of those first days.
“Anon, what 'n the hay 're you doin' mopin' out here all bah yer lonesome?” Applejack's voice came up from the road behind me.
“How did you know I was here?” I turned around as I spoke.
“Ah've got mah ways a' knowin'.” She looked at me knowingly as her eyes met mine. I averted my gaze, unable to look into Applejack's strong green eyes. She could see straight through me, past the facades and the walls, down into my core. There was no hiding my feelings from her. “Now what's got ya down, hon?”
“As if you need to ask.” She looked hurt by my tone, sighing as I spoke.
“Ah know, Anon. Must be hard carryin' all that baggage by yerself.”
“Don't.” I was getting defensive; angry.
“Ah'm only tryin'a help, Anon. Ya don't need ta be-” I cut her off.
“I don't need help, Applejack. I just- I just need to be left alone.” Her pain at my words was visible on her face. I was pushing her away because I was scared. Scared of loss, of getting attached and then being torn away from everything I loved yet again...
“Consarnit, Anon!” Her hoof came down hard on the dirt path. “Why're you bein so buckin' difficult?” Her voice began to quake slightly. “Ah'm yer special somepony, aren't Ah? Yer supposed ta be able ta confide in me...” My heart sank with every word.
“I can't.” I tried my best to keep a confident tone “You all might see today as an excuse to party, but I don't. Today is the anniversary of the day I lost my old world, Applejack. No warning, no reason behind it, just one day 'poof!' and here I am. I don't even know if I got to say goodbye to anyone...if I had anyone to say goodbye to.” I stopped myself there. I had no memory of my previous life, only the pain of its loss. It was the pain of knowing that I had lost something, but not knowing what it had been. Applejack looked at me, her gaze softening as she listened before a new resolve came over her face.
“Anon, Ah unnerstand yer hurtin' but ya can't think lahk that. Ya can't just give up on everything ya get attached to just 'cause it might git taken away.” I walked to the side of the road and sank to the ground, my back against the trunk of one of the great oak trees. She knew me too well. I hadn't said it in my short tirade, but she knew. She walked up to me and placed her hoof in my hand, which lay open on the dusty ground. I closed my fingers around it while she spoke “...Ah love ya, Anon. Ain't nothin' you, 'r anypony else can do about it, so you best just pick yer head up and- wha?” She stumbled over her words in surprise as I pulled her in close to me. Her gold mane looked aflame under the bright afternoon sun filtering through the orange and red leaves above us.
“...I love you too, Applejack.” I ran my hand through her mane, my heart light and at ease having the orange pony resting against me under the oak. The words, the moment, everything felt right. We fell asleep under the great oaks, awaking to the brisk night breeze and making our way back to Ponyville together, my mind clear again thanks to Applejack.
I stayed by Applejack's bedside at the hospital all day, through all the tests and treatments. She bore them with tired strength. When she was wheeled out, I followed as far as the doctors would let me, and when she was wheeled back I was there waiting. She had always been there for me, even now, in her sickness, she had been there to reel me back in from the verge of a breakdown. I owed it to her to at least be by her side, to be there to support my Applejack. Around three in the afternoon we were visited by Applebloom, Big Macintosh ambling in after her. The yellow filly's usual levity was suffocated by the sight of her sister lying under those green hospital sheets. Big Macintosh bore a pained expression on his face as he looked from Applejack, to Applebloom, to me. I got up and went out of the room. Best to give the family their privacy. I sat in the hallway outside for the hour they spent there, feeling numb to the passage of time. Applebloom was the first to walk out. She was visibly upset after the visit with Applejack. When she stepped out, she turned to look at me, her eyes misty and pleading. Big Macintosh followed a moment later and nudged her to move down the hall. I overheard Applebloom as they walked away.
“Anon'll take care o' Applejack, raht, big brother? He'll save 'er, won't 'e?” I didn't hear his response. I wasn't sure I wanted to.
The end of visiting hours came quickly that day. There had been so much activity in Applejack's room that the time flew by. She looked to be in good spirits when the nurse came to tell me it was time to go, but I felt something was wrong, like she was hiding something. I pushed the thought from my mind.
“I'll be back tomorrow, Applejack. Get some rest, ok?” I held her hoof in my hands and kissed her forehead.
“T'marrah. And say howdy ta Winona fer me, will ya? Ol' girl must be might worried 'bout me.” The dog always sat watching the door since Applejack had been admitted. The only time she seemed happy was in the morning when I fed her. After that, she just stayed sitting, statue-like, waiting for her friend to come home to her.
“I will. Love you.”
“Ah love you too, Anon. Take care.” I left the hospital as the sun began to set, the evening birds again singing their vivacious chorus as their stage began to darken.
Winona was waiting at the door when I came in. She started wagging her tail excitedly as the door opened, but stopped when she realized I was coming home alone again.
“Sorry, girl...it's just you and me again...” Winona cocked her head to the side and let out a whine. “I know, girl, you miss your friend.” The house seemed empty with Applejack not there. I fixed the two of us dinner before going to the living room, opening a window, and picking up a book from the coffee table to clear my mind of the image I had of Applejack sleeping alone in that hospital bed another night. I read for a few hours as the moon rose in the sky, its cool light illuminating Ponyville in the night. As hard as I tried to concentrate on the book, to give myself a reprieve from the worry and the powerlessness, every now and then that creeping specter would work its way into my consciousness, forcing me to stop reading and calm myself down. The anxiety, the doubt, the feeling of weakness, all ate at me. The world around me seemed to grow smaller, tighter, constricting me until I could take no more.
“Pull it together, Anon. Applejack will be fine...You've got to believe in her...” I whispered to myself as I finally gave up on trying to read that night. “She'll be out in no time...” I only half-believed it. It was hard to stay positive with things such as they were. I put the book back on the table and shuffled unenthusiastically to bed. As I lay there I took in the sounds of the summer's night. The soft chorus of crickets and night-birds sang as the moon made its way across the sky; a sentinel, keeping watch over Equestria. For a moment I felt at peace as a chill breeze swept through the branches of the trees outside. The feeling didn't last, however, as I reflexively rolled over to put my arm over the mare sleeping next to me only to have it fall into the empty sheets. Anxious sleep slowly came over me as I lay alone in my bed.
The morning light roused me from my slumber. In my tired state I forced myself out of bed and went to the kitchen. I put a pot of coffee on, flopping into a chair at the kitchen table to wait for the blessed black nectar to brew. As the house filled with the aroma I cast a glance at the living room. The chair flew back and clattered against the tile floor as I stood bolt-upright, staring at the open window. The shelves underneath it were torn to hell, their contents scattered about the room like they'd been blown by a strong wi-
“Winona?” My eyes widened as I realized that the dog was absent from her usual post. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest as a sense of profound dread crept about me.
“Winona! Come 'ere, girl!” Panic was beginning to hit me as I went around the house calling for the dog. I found nothing. Looking again to the window I concluded that she must have run away in the night, making good her escape through the window I had so absentmindedly left open.
“Goddamnit, not this now...” I muttered under my breath. I grabbed Winona's leash and walked purposefully to the door.
The sun was shining brightly and I shielded my now wide-awake eyes from its glare as I stepped outside. No sign of the dog was to be found near my house. I searched around the yard, my wakefulness elevating with each passing minute to a state of frenetic worry. The birds seemed to play on my plight, their morning song building up to a frantic crescendo in my head as I gave up looking on my property for the dog and set off, mad with frustration and anxiety, into Ponyville. I got into town after five minutes of walking quickly, trying to keep myself from breaking into a frenzied run. The dog meant so much to Applejack, I couldn't let her down; couldn't show my face around her, look her in the eye and tell her I'd let her dog run away. No. I'd find Winona if it killed me. Panic turned to determination as I made my way through the market. This thing I could do. I couldn't help Applejack recover outside of emotional support, but I could damn well make sure everything was okay when she got out...if she got out...
A bark snapped my attention back to the search. It came from behind Sugarcube Corner. I threw caution to the wind and ran to the sweet shop. Ponies turned in confusion as I bolted past them. The sense of determination strengthened, pushing out the panic and dread in my mind. I weaved through a crowd of ponies in the market until getting at last to Sugarcube Corner. Arriving in the alley behind the shop I heard again the barking, coming from behind the dumpster. I peered behind to see Winona, covered in flour, looking up at me, her collar caught on a metal spur. I wondered to myself what had gotten the dog so excited, remembering that, for the past week, she'd hardly moved from her staring at the front door except to eat and do her business. As I worked the collar free, intending to then attach the leash, she bounded up and away from me, into the alley, and out down the street, leaving me staring dumbfounded, hands outstretched behind a dumpster, as ponies stared at me in utter confusion.
Shaking the surprise out of my head, I set out in pursuit of the unnaturally animated Winona, pushing past the ponies who had stopped to see what I was doing in the alley. The dog ran straight down the street, her head-start putting a great deal of ground between us; ground I was having increasing trouble regaining. By the time I reached the park, I was following Winona by the sound of her barking alone, having lost sight of her five minutes before. I toppled to the ground, wheezing after running full tilt for ten minutes on nothing more than adrenaline. As I lay there, feeling defeated, the sound of panting came into my ear. I looked up to see Winona's tongue lolling out right over my head. She sat down and cocked her head to the side, like she was waiting for me. I stared at her for a minute, looking at the dog's expression. She was animated and energetic, but there didn't seem to be any joy there. I sat up, puzzled, and slowly hooked the leash to her collar. The sound of the town clock striking noon tore me out of the frustrating episode.
“Is it already so late in the day?” I thought silently. Each toll resonated inside me. I must have woken up much later than I had thought. In my rush to find Winona I hadn't checked the time, and now I was late for visiting hours. I looked down at Winona, who suddenly started pulling hard in the direction of the hospital. Not in the mood to fight against the tugging dog, I picked her up and hurried to where Applejack was lying, waiting for me. I'd make up for being late by bringing Applejack her dog to visit her as well. The anticipation of seeing Applejack's face when I brought in Winona won out over the guilt I felt about being late. We got to the hospital fifteen minutes later and, after finally convincing the receptionist that Winona would behave, I made my way through the hallways that I had grown so very accustomed to navigating, carrying the dog in my arms. I noticed that Winona wasn't as animated as she had been earlier that day. She should have been happy to see her companion after such a long absence, but as I walked through the hospital her tail retreated between her hindquarters and she began to let out sharp, high whines. Dread began to again sweep over me as I continued towards Applejack's room. Rounding the corner I saw a group of nurses clustered around her door. I stopped cold, my chest suddenly feeling like great claws were tearing at it. Winona jumped out of my arms and bolted into Applejack's room before I could react. I ran in after her and came upon a doctor pony talking to a stricken-looking Rainbow Dash and Rarity.
“No...” The word barely passed my lips as I looked at Applejack, then back at the doctor. He looked up from Rainbow Dash, who had buried her face in Rarity's mane.
“I'm sorry, we did everything we could. If it's any consolation at all, she asked for you at the end.” He stepped out of the room, leaving me with Rarity and Rainbow Dash. Winona stood on the bed, sniffing and nudging Applejack's head and letting out piercing whines.
“Anon, I'm so sorry.” Rarity's voice was quaking, trying to hold back the tears. “Sh- she woke up for a bit while w-we were here and...oh, Anon, she was so strong...” She broke down as Rainbow pulled herself together. She looked at me with her deep magenta eyes for a full minute before speaking.
“She asked for you, you know. Like the doctor said. We told her you were on your way and to hang in there, but she... just faded away...” I was numb. I felt nothing, just sank to the floor, my back against the wall.
“Could you give me a minute? I can't...I...” the words stopped, falling into incoherency as I sat there, desperately trying to hold back the coming sobs. Rainbow led the tearful Rarity out of the room.
“Take as long as you need, Anon. We'll be right outside.” The door closed and I remained sitting on the cold linoleum for some time before I summoned the strength to sit by Applejack's bedside. The whirs and beeps of the machines were gone, leaving only peaceful silence as I looked at Applejack, lying under the covers with a look of serenity on her face. Her tired eyes were closed, as if she were asleep, having earned a much-needed respite from her fight. I took one of her hooves in my hand and held it as the tears came. There were no birds singing then. Applejack was gone, and I hadn't been there to say goodbye.
“I'm sorry...God, I'm so sorry... Applejack...” My apology came as a whisper; all I could muster. “...I'm so goddamn sorry, love...” My voice cracked and I held her lifeless hoof tight against my chest. “...I love you...”
I stayed with her until the coroners came in to take the body. Winona growled protectively, not wanting to let them take her companion away. Tearfully I picked the dog up and allowed the coroners to wheel Applejack out of the room. I followed, machine-like and insensate, holding Winona in my arms. Rainbow and Rarity walked with me, though none of us had it in us to speak as we left the hospital. I walked Winona back home after taking my leave of Rarity and Rainbow Dash.
After closing the door to my house and putting Winona down, I saw Applejack's hat hanging on its hook on the wall. I took it from its place and walked to the living room, where I dropped into my chair, holding the hat in my lap. More tears began to fall, leaving dark spots in the tan fabric as I sat, unable to do anything but give in to my grief.
The others heard the news from Rarity and Rainbow Dash later that day. They all came to my house to offer their condolences. I could see they had all been crying. Fluttershy could hardly look me in the eye without breaking down. Her voice trembled when she tried to speak and she kept her gaze at the ground. Rainbow was struggling to keep her composure as well. She hadn't flown since Applejack's passing and she held her wings low, almost slumped against her sides. Twilight had retreated into her books, looking for coping advice, an escape, anything, but she'd found none. Her normal optimism was tempered to the point of nonexistence. Rarity, the regular drama-queen, remained reserved and seemingly stoic, though I could see it was only a facade. The worst was Pinkie Pie. Her mane was deflated and hung flat from her head. There was no levity in her voice, none of the usual bubbly mirth. Her coat even looked to be off color. I met them at the door and, having no words, knelt to embrace them.
Applejack's funeral was held in the park three days later. The sun was shrouded by clouds as the citizens of Ponyville gathered to pay their respects, casting a uniform shadow over everything. I sat in the front row of seats, alongside Rainbow Dash and the others. Across the aisle were the Apples. As the ceremony started I clasped my hands, rested my arms on my knees, and listened. After the first day, when my friends had come to give their condolences, I had gone numb again. I was going through the motions, not really feeling anything as I did. Applejack's body lay peacefully in the casket, surrounded by flowers. Twilight gave her eulogy first. It was heartfelt, recounting Twilight's first day, how Applejack had been the first to show her Ponyville hospitality, how, when Nightmare Moon returned, Applejack had embodied the Spirit of Honesty, and how she had fought alongside her friends against Discord. As Twilight read her eulogy, I could hear in her voice the intense pain of loss. It was clear that they would all need time to come to terms, but I wasn't sure I ever would.
With that thought I retreated into myself, not paying attention to the service any longer. I had declined to give a eulogy, giving some excuse about the grief being too much, but in reality I didn't do it because I didn't feel I deserved to. I hadn't been there for her in the end, why should I be one to send her off, who failed in the one thing I could do to support Applejack? No, I tuned out and simply sat in silence as the service continued. Every so often I would hear somepony begin to cry. The speakers finally concluded and the ponies began to file down and out towards the cemetery for the burial. The cemetery lay at the edge of the Everfree Forest. It was a medium-sized burial ground, seldom talked about by the ponies. The subject of death was always a kind of taboo in Ponyville; not many were willing to bring it up, let alone discuss it. The funeral procession arrived there and grouped around the grave plot. As the casket was lowered I heard Applebloom burst into tears. Big Macintosh put a great hoof on her shoulder and bowed his head. The casket reached the bottom with a resounding thud, signaling the end of the ceremony.
As the ponies filtered out of the cemetery, I was met by a tearful Applebloom. She was holding her sobs back now, looking me straight in the eye. I knelt and put a hand on her shoulder, only to have her knock it off with her hoof, her expression reading anger.
“Wah didn't ya sav 'er, Anon? You were sapposed ta save mah sister! You were sapposed ta bring 'er back home!” Her words cut me deeply. Big Macintosh walked over, hearing her harshness, and put a hoof out to stop her.
“That's enuff, lil sis. Ain't nuthin' Anon coulda done past what 'e did. We've bin over this. Now git on home with Granny Smith.” It was the first time I'd heard him speak more than a few words. After Applebloom walked off, breaking back down into tears, he turned to me and gave me a look of silent understanding before slowly turning away and walking after the filly.
I walked home alone, Applebloom's words repeating in my mind. She was right to be angry. I might not have been able to save Applejack, but I could have at least been there for her at the end.
“I should have been there,” I thought to myself as I opened the door to my house and stepped inside. “I would have been there...” I looked at Winona, who was sitting in front of the door. “If it hadn't been for you...” I trailed off, saddened by the thoughts running through my head. After I brought her back home from the hospital on the day Applejack passed, she had gone right back to sitting, watching the door, waiting for Applejack to come back. I looked at Applejack's hat, hanging on its hook like always. She would never wear it again. It would never again cover her head, laying its shade on her face and golden mane, shielding her bright green eyes from the sun. I turned away quickly, a lump forming in my throat as the reality hit me yet again. Too late; the memories flooded in and I fell against the wall, my eyes welling up and my breath catching in my throat as I began to cry. I slid to the floor and sat there, my head in my hands, until the sun went down over the hills. As the room darkened I finally got to my feet and went to the kitchen. Grabbing a glass from the cupboard, I opened the bottle of Canterlot Special I'd been saving for when Applejack got out of the hospital.
“Here's to you, sugarcube...” The liquor burned as it went down, leaving a warmth in my stomach when it settled; a respite from the sorrow clutching at me.
I awoke in the morning, slumped over the table in the kitchen, a pile of empty bottles greeting my eyes as I opened them, groaning as I reached up and clutched my head. Winona bounced into the room, looking for Applejack like she had done every morning for the last two and a half weeks. I turned my head to look at her as she looked around and, seeing that I was alone, drooped her ears and walked to the door before sitting down, a quiet whine sounding as she went.
“Why do you keep waiting for her to come home?” I grumbled to myself. “Don't you know she's gone?” Winona sat silently in front of the door. The dog was the picture of loyalty. As I looked at her I saw Winona's unyielding hope and faith in Applejack. It was a tragic hope, hers, but she held it close as she sat at the door, waiting to greet her companion upon her return. I couldn't look at her for very long anymore; not without feeling an overbearing resentment.“You just had to run away that one day, didn't you? Then I could have at least said goodbye...” Over the past week I'd all but stopped going outside for anything more than food. Everything reminded me of what I'd lost. When I came home, Winona's disappointment stung me, her very presence reminding me of why I hadn't been there for Applejack. I forced myself out of the chair and brought the empty liquor bottles to the sink to rinse. I had bought the bottle of Canterlot Special to surprise Applejack when she got out of the hospital. Every time we went to refresh our supply of booze she'd drool over the expensive liquor. I felt a knot of regret form in my stomach as I recalled drinking the entire thing a week before.
I set the bottles on the counter and went into the living room. Applebloom's words played back in my head. I sat in my chair and stared up at Applejack's picture on the mantle. The knot grew as her eyes seemed to bore through me. It became too painful to bear, looking at her picture. I cast my gaze down to the floor, my thoughts turning against me again.
“I should have been there for her.” I slumped forward. “She asked for me before the end.” My eyes stung as they started to well up again. “She died not knowing where I was...” I looked up at the picture again, guilt sweeping over me. I couldn't have saved her, but I could have at least been there to comfort her in her last moments. A hard knock at the door barely registered as I sat, paralyzed by guilt and sadness.
“Anon? You home?” Rainbow Dash's tomboyish voice came through my front door as she rapped her hoof against it. I remained in my chair, having no will to get up or answer my friend. “Anon, I know you're in there, open up...” Her voice began to falter. The loss of Applejack was still fresh in her mind as it was in the rest of Ponyville's. For a whole minute she fell silent, though I thought I could make out faint sobs, before she spoke again, her voice barely audible. “...please come outside...I can't lose another friend...not now...” I finally arose from my seat and made my way past Winona to the door. My hand stopped at the doorknob and I took a few moments to collect myself before opening the door. I saw Rainbow Dash standing there, looking up at me with worry in her eyes.
“I'm sorry, Rainbow, I was upstairs,” I lied, “What can I do for you?” I tried to keep an illusion of calmness, but it was quickly shattered when I saw Rainbow nearly topple over as the smell of my week-long bender wafted out of the house. She quickly recovered from the shock and the smell, doing her best to keep her own composure.
“I wanted to see how you were holding up, Anon. Nopony's seen you in a week...we're all worried about you...” She looked past me to the living room as Winona got up and walked away in disappointment, her tail slowing down from its wagging and hanging limp behind her. I took a step forward and closed the door, not wanting Rainbow to see the state of the place.
“I'm fine, really, Rainbow. I'm just coping...”
“We all are, Anon. You don't have to do it alone. Applejack i- was...our friend too. We all miss her...” The cyan pony was looking straight at me. I could almost feel the pain she felt as she spoke to me. There was a long pause before I could bring myself to reply.
“I know, Rainbow. I just... I need to be alone for a while.”
“You can't just shut yourself in like this. We're your friends. We want to help and get through this...together...” She was starting to choke up again.
“I'm sorry. I just need some more time to myself.”
“What, and drink yourself to death?” Her tone carried a building indignation. “Just because you lost somepony special, you think you can just give up?”
“It's more complicated than that...”
“No it bucking isn't, Anon.” Tears were beginning to well up in Rainbow's eyes. “You can't just abandon your life...your friends...” The word “abandon” struck me and I felt a clawing at my chest, my guilt creeping back, stronger than before.
“I wasn't there for Applejack in the end. I might as well have abandoned her,” I thought to myself.
“...ponies care about you, Anon,” Rainbow's voice went quiet again, almost pleading. “Please, let us help and move on...”
“I can't. Not now.” I opened the door again and stepped back inside. “I'm sorry, Rainbow. I just can't do it.” As I closed the door and walked back to the kitchen I heard Rainbow's hoof strike the door with enough force to make the bottles on the counter shake.
“This is no way to carry on her memory, Anon. Is this how Applejack would have wanted you to cope?” Her words came through between choked sobs. I slumped into the chair in front of the table as the sound of her hoof falls faded into to the distance.
I spent the day sitting in my kitchen, getting up every so often to re-fill my glass with whatever swill I had left in the cupboard. I had thrown out every bottle of Applejack Daniels the day of the funeral; looking at them was torture. Around 5 o'clock I moved into the living room and unenthusiastically opened a book. I scanned the pages with my eyes, not actually reading them, but trying to distract myself from the weight that had seemed to grow ever heavier after talking to Rainbow Dash that morning. I again got up, having sat for over an hour with the open book in my lap, and walked to the doorjamb where Applejack's hat hung on its hook. As I stared at it, Applebloom's words a week prior came back into my head.
“You were sapposed ta bring 'er back home!” The memory of the filly's tearful remark redoubled the guilt I felt staring at the tan hat. My thoughts were pulled into the past, recalling a summer's afternoon two years before. It was a fond memory, though in my guilt and sadness I found no comfort in it.
The summer sun beat down on Ponyville as I walked hunched over and low to the ground so as not to stand out amongst the trees. A breeze came through the orchard, providing a little relief from the heat as I wove between tree trunks. I stopped behind one of the larger trees and peered around it. On the other side of the tree was Applejack, hard at work bucking apples as always in the heat of the afternoon sun. I paused for a moment, transfixed by the sunlight shining off of her mane as it bounced in reaction to her body's motion. She was absolutely beautiful. In the year and a half we'd been together I had come to really see that beauty, though our relationship had not become sexual for reasons evident to and accepted by, it seemed, us both. I snapped out of my stare as Applejack finished filling her bushel and silently sneaked up behind her as she placed it on the ground. Making sure not to overturn the apples, I reached down and scooped the mare up off the ground, her hat falling off her head in the process.
“What 'n 'tarnation-?” the indignant surprise on Applejack's face quickly shifted to cheer as her green eyes met mine. Smiles came inexorably over us both as I held her face close to mine before putting her back down. “What're ya doin' here so early, sug? Ah've still got six more carts ta fill 'fore ah'm done.”
“Twilight let me go early today. She said something about needing the library to herself for some research.” I picked up an empty bushel as I spoke. “So why don't you let me help you out filling these bushels?”
“Ya think ya kin keep up with me?” Applejack asked me, playing coy.
“That a challenge?” I tossed the basket up in the air nonchalantly and caught it as I raised an eyebrow. Applejack's eyes narrowed and she let her mouth curl into a sly smile. After a beat, during which time we simply stared at each other, tensing our muscles in anticipation of the competition, we were off, making our way through the trees, baskets waiting to be filled and hauled onto the carts. Being, of course, unable to kick the apple trees to harvest the fruit, I set about trying to find a long stick with which to knock them down. Finding none, I decided instead to climb and shake the branches until the heavy fruit fell off. As I scrambled into the first tree I could hear Applejack making her progress. Through the branches I could see trees shake as her powerful legs struck out and made contact. Fruit fell from full branches and into the baskets waiting below. Applejack did her work with a look on her face of practiced determination; the face of a virtuoso. She might not have had the poise of Rarity, she might not have been as learned as Twilight Sparkle, she might not have had Fluttershy's way with animals, but when it came to her craft; her straightforward, down-to-earth trade, she was magnificent.
“Hey Anon!” Applejack had stopped bucking and was looking at me with a playful grin as she yelled into my tree. “You gonna help, or are ya just gonna sit up there gawpin?” I felt the blood rush to my face.
“Uhh, right, I was...uh...testing you to make sure you were focused!”
“Uh huh. Ah've got a hunch Ah'm not the one needs ta keep 'is focus,” Applejack shot back with a laugh before turning and walking back to the tree she was bucking. As she did, I noticed she gave a subtle shake of her hips, sending a rapid chill up my spine. I hastened to the fruit-bearing branches, eager to take my mind off the sudden aching in my chest.
We worked for a few more hours, harvesting the apples and hauling them back to the carts. Applejack was bucking and sending the red orbs falling into her baskets, moving from tree to tree like a well-oiled machine. I was climbing each of my trees and shaking the upper branches, working the apples loose and filling my baskets as fast as I could. Twelve trees down the line I was panting and heaving myself into the branches, determined not to be beaten by the orange mare. I looked up to the sky every so often to see the sun slowly making its way across the blue expanse and each time found my thoughts going back to Applejack, the image of her mane glinting and flowing in the sun, the way the light would reflect off of her green eyes, her kind, confident smile which assured me that everything would be ok, these thoughts crept into my mind whenever I let it wander. Each time I had to tear my attention back to the task at hand, having let several minutes slip by unconsciously sometimes, redoubling my efforts to give Applejack a run for her money harvesting her family's signature crop and wondering why my thoughts of her had become so decidedly sentimental and saccharine. By the time the sun was beginning to set, I had filled a whole two carts to Applejack's four. I stood in front of the last cart, placing the last basket of apples in it as Applejack walked up behind me.
“Guess I shouldn't quit at Twilight's just yet, huh?” I asked jokingly as Applejack's tan hat came into view in the corner of my eye.
“Yer no Big Machintosh, but Ah guess you'd do in a pinch.” She looked up at me and smiled softly. “Now c'mon. We've gotta git these apples down to storage 'fore the weather team start their downpour.” I looked up to see clouds starting to gather overhead.
“Gotcha.” I picked up the last of the leftover baskets and threw them in the cart, getting ready to help Applejack pull it to the barn. The setting sun, coupled with the ever-darkening clouds, meant that we had to move quickly if we wanted to make it before nightfall. Applejack stepped into the harness at the front of the cart as I prepared to push it. We were halfway down the path when the first raindrops began to fall.
“How much further is the barn?” I looked around the cart to see Applejack's hat bobbing up and down in time with her steps.
“What're ya 'fraid ta get a lil wet? Ah swear, sometahms yer worse than Rarity, Anon.”
“Hey, I just don't want to see that pretty mane of yours get soaked in the rain.” I couldn't see her face, but I could almost hear the blood rushing to her cheeks at my comment. Her pace quickened suddenly, nearly causing me to stumble as the cart lurched forward.
“...We oughta git a move on, if we're gonna beat this storm.” I'd obviously taken her by surprise. I decided to push a little harder.
“You're pretty cute when you're off guard, you know that...sugarcube?” I nearly hit my head against the back of the cart when Applejack broke stride, stopping the cart abruptly for a second before continuing on.
“Ah've no idea what yer talkin' about, hon.” She kept her face forward the whole while, but I could tell she was smiling to herself. I stifled a self-satisfied chuckle and continued pushing the cart as the rain picked up. We quickened our pace further in an effort to make it to the barn before the rain could come down on us any harder.
“It's not THAT bad out. We kin make it ta the fahrmhouse if we hur-” A blinding flash of lightning followed by a thunderclap that shook the whole barn silenced her as we looked at each other, wide-eyed. “...'r we kin stay in here fer a while.”
“Agreed.” My reply came instantly. Applejack came down from the hay loft and tossed her hat onto a hook to dry. I considered doing the same with my shirt, but decided against it. I took a seat against the wall. Applejack followed suit, lying back against my shoulder. We sat under the gas light like that, listening to the rain and thunder for a good twenty minutes, taking a much-needed rest from the hard work of the afternoon. After a long silence, I noticed Applejack looking like she was about to speak, but stopping herself every so often.
“You look like you're about to say something. What's up?” I asked, looking down at her.
“It's...nothin'...nuthin' 't all...” She trailed off into silence again. I kept looking at her, puzzled, but turned back to staring at the rafters and listening to the storm rage outside. “Just...” She started again slowly. “Ah don't know where we're goin' with this...”
“With what?”
“With us... “ She spoke slowly, trying to choose her words. “Ah mean...what am Ah to you, Anon? Ah know Ah'm yer special somepony but...it just don't feel lahk it sometahms...” I didn't know how to react. If this was a long time coming, I had sure missed the signs. Either that or Applejack had been hiding it from me.
“Applejack....”
“We've bin doin' this fer two years, almost.” Applejack got up and started pacing around the barn in front of me. “What do you see when you look at me, Anon? Just somepony ta say 'Ah love you' to?” I took a minute or two to process what she had said.
“Of course not, Applejack. I'm looking at you right now and you know what I see?” She stopped pacing and looked at me, those green eyes reflecting the yellow light of the lamp. “I see a mare I want to spend my entire life with.” Applejack's cheeks had turned pink, and she slowly walked back over to me. When she got close enough I reached out and grabbed her about the neck, pulling her in close to me. “And that's something I wouldn't say to anypony else.” She wrapped her forehooves around my back and looked up at me as I stroked her mane. “I do love you, Applejack. More than anything.”
“Ah know, Ah love you too, Anon. Ah just wonder sometahms. Where're we gonna be in a few years?”
“Where do you WANT to be?” Applejack went quiet for a little while. We seldom talked about the future; we both went about our lives thinking about the present, it seemed.
“Well someday Ah think Ah'd lahk ta have mah own farm. Nuthin' too fancy, or too far from home, but one that's mahn. Somewhere Ah kin settle in...raise a family...”
“Applejack, I think that's a fine dream. It suits you..” I looked at her and smiled. We settled into a more comfortable position, but she kept her hooves around me the whole time. “I promise, I'll make sure it comes true for you.” Her eyes got misty and shone brightly under the gas light. “We'll save up, do what we do best and work for it, and we'll make it happen, together.” Applejack looked at me, a mix of joy and apology running over her face as I drew her in close again.
“Ah'll hold you to it, Anon.”
“I wouldn't have it any other way.” The storm raged on through the night. Applejack drifted off to sleep in my arms as I listened to the rain and wind as it mixed with her peaceful breathing beside me. I soon fell asleep myself, knowing that Applejack held me as preciously as I did her.
I hung the hat back up on the rack, new dark spots adorning it where tears had fallen, new wrinkles where I had clutched it in shaking hands as I recalled the scene in the barn.
“It's a fine dream, Applejack... I just wish we could have seen it through together.”
As the sun began to set I looked out the window at the road leading out of Ponyville. The sun was just beginning to set as I stared at the road, thinking every so often that if I could, just for the briefest instant, see Applejack walking up that road, I might have some consolation; some closure. But as soon as the thought would cross my mind, it was overtaken by the reality that she was gone. I turned back inside, making my way to the kitchen looking for another bottle and, finding none remained, felt an implacable welling up of anger. I lashed out, striking the wall with balled fist and feeling a warm trickle of blood from my knuckle. I sank again into the chair at the kitchen table and stayed there, cursing myself for descending into such a state. It was still early, but I couldn't will myself to do anything, so I shuffled up to my room and fell into the bed. Still half-drunk, I lay there trying to listen to the birds, but found that I couldn't. My thoughts were scattered and drifted in and out of focus as I tried to calm down. I was angry that I had run out of liquor, angrier that I was angry about that, and angrier still that I had let myself come to such a state. Eventually I was able to sleep, exhausted mentally.
I awoke in the middle of the night, having been overcome by an urge to get up and move around. I went downstairs and turned on a light in the living room. The clock read 1 AM and I groaned at the late hour. I sat in my chair for a few minutes, annoyed that I was so wide awake now. The night was quiet; not a cricket or cicada to be heard over the gentle breeze. I got up and looked out the window into the starry night. Nights like these I had used to spend with Applejack, lying under the stars and the moon together in the fields and staring up at the night sky. A lump formed in my throat before I was seized with resolve. I grabbed my jacket and stepped out into the brisk night air. I made my way quickly down the road, walking purposefully through the Ponyville streets. I walked through the market, the square, and on through the park, not a soul in sight, until I could see the edge of the Everfree Forest come into view. Before it lay the cemetery, and Applejack's resting place. My pace slowed as I approached, as if I were trying not to wake anypony from restful sleep. When I got close enough to see the gate, I noticed a peculiar form standing amongst the headstones. As I walked towards it, I saw that it was a pony, draped in a black cloak and heaving violently. Once I was within earshot I could make out tortuous, incoherent sobs. The pony was slouched in front of a fresh plot; Applejack's plot. I noticed the curly tip of a mane poking out from the hood and recognized the mare immediately.
“...Rarity? Is that you?” I spoke slowly and softly, not wanting to startle her.
“Wh- Oh...Anon...What are you doing here?” She looked up quickly, her eyes sparkling in the moonlight, full of tears. She spoke as best she could as she tried to regain her composure.
“Couldn't sleep. Decided to pay Applejack a visit...” The lump in my throat formed again. My resolve had brought me to the cemetery, but now that I was there, it was gone. “...What about you?” I sat on the ground next to Rarity, my back against Applejack's headstone. Rarity did her best to reign herself in, trying to keep the stoic facade she had put up before the funeral. It was quickly failing though, the tears that had been so recently flowing threatened to burst through again. “You don't have to hide it from me, Rarity. I saw you when I came up here.” I patted the ground next to me, half looking at Rarity, half staring blankly out at the night sky. She slowly came over and sat beside me on the cool grass next to Applejack's grave.
“I'm sorry, Anon,” She started, “I know she wouldn't have wanted us to cry for her, and I try, I really do...” Her voice started to quiver, but she held fast, keeping herself composed. “But sometimes it's just too much to bear. She was my friend. We didn't see eye to eye many times, of course, and she was always more concerned with work than with the finer things in life, but we were always close. Now she's gone and there are so many things I wanted to say...” Rarity trailed off. A weight of sadness overtook us both and we sat in silence for a few minutes before I spoke.
“I think there were a lot of things we all wanted to say to her, Rarity.” I kept staring into space. I couldn't face Rarity or look back at Applejack's headstone for fear I wouldn't be able to hold myself together. I went quiet again as Rarity picked up on the guilt in my tone of voice.
“You mustn't blame yourself, Anon. What happened wasn't your fault. There was no way you could have done any more than you did for Applejack.” She put her white hoof on my shoulder as she spoke, her posh accent betraying the telltale quiver of pain behind her words.
“I wasn't there when she died, Rarity,” I held my legs close to my chest as the words came out. “I stayed with her all through her hospital stay, every day for a week and a half, except the one day it mattered...” I cast my gaze towards the ground. “...I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most and it's killing me.” I hadn't truly talked to anypony about my guilt since Applejack had died.
“Anon...” Rarity's voice was markedly quieter.
“She asked for me in the end and I wasn't there. I should have been there, but I was out chasing after her stupid dog...”
“Is that why you brought Winona to the hospital that day?”
“Yeah, I wanted to make up for being late by bringing Applejack her dog to visit.” The feeling of resentment started to creep back into my head as I recalled that day. Rarity didn't say a word for a while after that and we both sat out under the stars, remembering Applejack for a time before another thought came to mind. “Rainbow Dash came by this morning to check on me. I pushed her away, told her I wasn't ready to come to terms. Today was the second time I've seen her cry...”
“You needn't do this alone, Anon. You have friends who care about you to help with whatever is wrong.” Rarity looked at me with new determination. I stood up after another minute of silence and walked a few paces away from the grave, my eyes on the stars overhead.
“I've been a terrible friend to all of you since this happened, and I'm sorry, I really am.” Rarity rose to her feet and walked slowly over to me before wrapping her forehooves about my waist.
“There's nothing to apologize for, Anon. We've all had our own share of trouble dealing with this.” I put a hand on her head, thankful for her kind words.
“Thanks, Rarity.” It was half-hearted. The guilt I felt wasn't one that somepony else could just assuage, but I didn't let on, for fear that Rarity would react as Rainbow had earlier that day.
“Not at all, Anon. We all need time to come to terms. We'll be here for you when you're ready.” She let go and made her way down the path out of the cemetery, leaving me standing alone next to Applejack's headstone. I watched her go until she was out of sight before I sat down in front of the grave. I looked at the grave marker blankly for a few minutes, searching for something to say. It was a simple headstone, nothing fancy, no elaborate relief carvings, just a name and an epitaph. Anything more wouldn't have been Applejack. She was always a straightforward mare. The headstone simply read:
-Applejack-
“Hey, Love, sorry I haven't visited...” I paused, noting the absurdity of my talking to no one, but it felt right. “Things haven't been too good since...you know...” I felt the numbness that had taken hold of me that night begin to fade as the words came tumbling out. “I just... I can't do anything... God, you'd probably have a fit if you saw me like this...” The lump in my throat returned and I fought to keep it together. “But you were the one keeping me grounded, you know? Kept me on the straight-and-narrow, pulled me back from the edge more than once...You can't now...can you?” I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. “I'm sorry, Applejack...I'm sorry for not being there...I should have been, but I wasn't...” I took a deep breath to try to regain my composure, falling silent for a little while as I did. “I know I shouldn't blame myself, everypony keeps telling me it's not my fault...but it doesn't make it hurt any less...doesn't set anything right...” I paused again, trying to think of what to say. “I miss you, sugarcube...more than you'll ever know...” was all that I could muster as I ran my hand over the carved letters on the headstone. I got up and looked at the stars again. “The stars are beautiful tonight. You would've loved them.” I turned and walked down the path back to Ponyville, the weight in my chest lifted slightly by the night's events. I had lost my direction after Applejack passed away, but visiting her grave had allowed me to unload, if only a little, some of my guilty conscience.
I arrived home and heard Winona wake up and scurry to the door when I opened it. The dog cocked her head to the side, looking eagerly on before giving a disappointed whine when I again returned home alone. The nagging resentment that had followed me the past few weeks returned as I looked at Winona, remembering the reason why I had missed Applejack in her last moments.
“If I'd just been faster catching you, it wouldn't have happened like this. Or maybe if you'd just stayed put in the house, I wouldn't have had to go catch you at all.” My tone went from defeated to bitter as I talked down to Winona. She picked up on my tone of voice and, after I finished my rant, retreated into the other room, leaving me alone in the living room. I'd grown steadily more angry and harsh towards the dog in the week I'd spent indoors, and the constant reminder of my own failure she served as ate at me constantly. Whatever peaceful feeling I had had leaving the cemetery was gone, replaced my the old resentment, bitterness, and grief that had marked the past week. I sat in my chair and looked up at the picture of Applejack on the mantle. I remained there for an hour, unable to sleep, thinking about everything that had happened in the last few weeks. The sadness, grief, guilt, and anger welled up suddenly and I held back choked sobs. My thoughts turned from the loss of Applejack to my friends and my own shutting down. They settled themselves on Winona after a time, my resentment and bitterness towards the dog coming out in full. I eventually pulled myself back together and got up from the living room. I went to the closet, pulled out a large box, and began gathering everything of Winona's that I could find.
I woke up the next day at noon. The last night was fresh in my mind as I walked to the kitchen and cobbled together a late breakfast. Winona sat in front of the door and I watched her while I ate, my eyes eventually trailing past her to the box sitting squat next to the door and the dog. When I finished eating I pulled the package of dog food out of the cupboard and poured it into her bowl. She came running eagerly into the kitchen to eat her belated meal as I got up and set about picking up the last of Winona's things. I didn't like the thought of bringing her back to the Apples; after all, she was the last real tie I had back to Applejack, but the thought of keeping her around in my home, constantly reminding me of the loss and the guilt was more than I could bear any longer. By the time the dog had finished devouring her meal I had finished packing the rest of her affects into the box by the door. I looked back into the living room, at the picture of Applejack on the mantle.
“Sorry, Love. I have to move on and I can't do...this anymore.” The last day had made it clear to me that the only way to at least ease the pain of Applejack's loss was to take charge and start moving on, and this was the clearest way I could think of to do it. I turned back to the box and folded it closed before whistling for Winona to come. She bounced into the room, happy having eaten, and sat down staring at me. “C'mon girl, we're going for a walk.”
Winona cocked her head to the side, as she always did, and stared at me confused for a bit before getting up and, tail wagging, began to bark excitedly. Having no free hand with which to hold a leash, I wiggled the door open and allowed the ecstatic dog to bound outside ahead of me. The sun shone with its usual summer intensity and the midsummer birds' songs mixed with the faint endless drone of the cicadas as I walked up the road to Sweet Apple Acres, Winona in tow, circling around me, barking and wagging her tail as I went. Going outside had brought back the old enthusiasm that the dog had always had when Applejack was around. It was refreshing to see her so animated and happy, but at the same time, it brought up memories of my lost mare; memories that I wanted to bury to drive out the pain I now associated with them.
The farmhouse came into view after ten or so minutes of walking in the hot summer sun, and my pace slowed in anticipation of the exchange that I knew was coming. As if she could read my mind, Winona stopped her bouncing and barking the moment my pace slackened. A faint whine came up from the dog as she saw where we were headed. We continued up the path to the farm and I held my emotions in check so as not to make a scene. Winona's exuberant behavior hadn't lessened my resentment, but as we drew ever closer to Sweet Apple Acres, I felt more and more conflicted. At last we reached the front gate and I walked up to the front door, placing the box on the porch before knocking.
“Big Mac, can you get that?” I heard Applebloom holler to the stallion from inside the house
“Eeyup,” Came the response. I waited a minute in silence before the clopping of hooves came into earshot, followed by the opening of the door. Big Macintosh looked at me, a range of emotions running across his face as his eyes fell on the box sitting next to my feet and Winona scurrying around in the front yard, chasing a squirrel that had caught her attention.
“Afternoon, Mac.”
“Afternoon, Anon.”
“How are you all holding up?”
“Well enough, I s'pose. Yerself?”
“I'm fine, thanks.” We stood there in awkward silence for a few minutes before I looked down at the box saying, “I brought Winona's stuff to give back, along with her...I can't take care of her any longer. It's too much for me.” I lied. Whether or not Big Mac picked up on it, he remained silent. “So...yeah...I'll leave her with you guys. I think she should be with her real family, if that's alright with you?”
“Eeyup,” The simple reply relieved me. I had been expecting more conflict in returning Winona to the Apples, but Big Mac took her without any more questions.
“Alright, thanks for understanding. I'll see you around.” I turned and started walking back to the gate. Winona, having lost interest with the squirrel, began to follow me. I stopped when I heard the jangling of her collar behind me. “No. Stay, Winona. You're staying here now. Big Mac and Applebloom and Granny Smith will take good care of you, so don't follow me.” Winona let out another whine as I got up and walked out the gate, making my way back down the road, alone.
I returned home, still conflicted thinking about what I'd done. Winona wasn't there to remind be of my loss, but there was still plenty around the house and around town that kept bringing my thoughts back to the mare I'd loved and lost. Vague doubt set in as I looked around the house absentmindedly. I shook it off as hold-over doubt from the walk over to Sweet Apple Acres. I was all alone with no Winona to remind me of the day Applejack died, and I found some relief in that. I felt as though I might actually be able to start moving on from the loss of Applejack and looked at the picture of her on the mantle, a slight smile crossing my face. For the first time in over a week I sat in the yard and read, now able to focus on something other than my guilt and grief.
For a few days after dropping Winona off with the Apples I felt like my old self. I had stopped drinking, cleaned up the mess that was my house, and even started to go into town again. As the days wore on, though, and I watched daily life in Ponyville carry on as if nothing had happened, my bubble of relief became increasingly hard to keep from bursting. I saw business as usual return to the town and, while I knew that Applejack would have wanted it that way, I couldn't help but be a little saddened by it. Every so often at home I'd catch myself looking to the door, half-expecting to see Winona sitting there, waiting for Applejack like always. By the time a week had passed, I had begun to sink back into a depression. I had managed to stay away from the liquor, but I had lost all will to be active. Before it got out of hand, like it had the week before, I decided it was time to talk to Rainbow Dash.
It wasn't a long walk to Rainbow's cloud house. I followed the road through town and then a little past the park until I saw it looming into view. I walked closer to it until I could shout and get the mare's attention.
“Hey, Rainbow, you there??” I shouted, my hands cupped over my mouth like a megaphone. I got no reply. “You home, Rainbow??” After waiting for five minutes with no response, I turned to go back. After a few steps I felt the impact of something heavy against my back. I fell to the grass as I turned to see what had hit me. When I recovered from the surprise, I saw a pair of magenta eyes staring angrily back at me.
“What the buck, Anon?” She pinned me to the ground, her frustration clearly showing in her words.
“What, Rainbow? What did I do?” I had expected her to be frustrated and hurt from my behavior the past two weeks, but this was a bit much, even for her.
“You're doing it again! First you throw Winona out of your house, then you turn into Mr. Happy for like, two days, and then nopony hears from you for almost a week, again! What's the deal, Anon??” Her hooves dug into my chest.
“I'd -hurk- tell you, but you're going to need to get off me first...” I looked up at her and her features softened somewhat when she saw the state I was in. She flapped her wings and lifted herself off of me. I sat up and she landed next to me.
“Alright, so tell me what's going on. Because from where I'm sitting, it looks like you're doing something you'll regret.”
“I visited Applejack's grave last week. Rarity was there. We talked for a little and it just sort of clicked that I had to start moving on...”
“So you gave Winona back to the Apples? What kind of plan was-”
“So I went home and started thinking about a lot of stuff, and it all kept coming back to Winona.”
“Sheesh, Anon, you sound like you-”
“Rainbow. Just listen, okay?” She sighed and nodded as I went on. “I realized that I was constantly shoving my own guilt onto her. I haven't gotten over my not being there for Applejack and having Winona around to remind me of that only makes it worse. Frankly I'm surprised I'm able to say these things so openly right now, but they've been sitting for a while, festering.” Rainbow raised a hoof and paused before dropping it again. “I've gotten myself to the point that I can function again, but I've slipped back the last few days and I'm afraid if I keep going like this I'll have some kind of breakdown...” I looked over at Rainbow to see that her angry face had turned to one of concern. “Look, you're my closest friend, Rainbow. I don't like how things ended up with Winona, but I can't handle having her around anymore. I just need some time to think about what I'm going to do from here on out and I need you behind me on this. I promise, I'll keep you in the loop, alright?” There was a long silence while rainbow processed what I'd said. Aside from Rarity, I hadn't confessed what was going on with me to anypony, and even then, it hadn't been the whole story. Eventually though, she spoke up.
“Okay, Anon. But please, don't just drop off the face of Equestria like that ever again... You're better than that. Do what you gotta do, Anon.”
“I will, Rainbow. Thanks. And I'm sorry about last week. I shouldn't have done that to you.”
“It's alright, Anon.”
“I'm going to head back. I'll be in touch.”
“See you later...bro.” She put a hoof out and I met it with my fist as I got up. I was hit with a wave of unplaced anxiety as I left the cyan mare's company. Talking to Rainbow should have cheered me up; her loyal support in light of my revelation was a much-needed break from the feeling of alienation and separation I felt in the past week. Despite that fact, and despite all my friends' supportive behavior, I still felt a great weight upon me as I walked home, contemplating how I could come to terms with Applejack's loss and my own self-blame.
Back at my house, I took a seat in the kitchen and poured some water. I mulled over the talk I had with Rainbow and thought back to whether or not I had done the right thing regarding Winona. The thought kept creeping into my head, and the more it did, the more I agreed with it, that Winona hadn't been the problem. Clearly, looking around at the house, this was the case. Even with her out of the picture, I had managed to fall back into a rut, with the thankful exception of the drinking. The more I thought about it, the more the idea would come into focus. I sat there, thinking at length about what I should do, until around three in the afternoon when I finally found myself coming back, over and over, to the idea that I had been working over in my mind for the past week. I got up from my chair and headed out the door, determined to see where the idea would lead me, lest I fall all the way back into my earlier depression. My pace was quick and driven. I made my way through the town until I came upon my destination. Taking a deep breath, I stepped inside and approached the counter. A stallion with a haughty look on his face and a well-kept black mane watched from the counter as I entered and addressed him.
“Afternoon, Rich. Are you still dealing in real estate?”
The sun beat down through the window as I packed the last of my clothes into my suitcase. I closed the clasps on it and looked around the now empty bedroom. I'd sold most of my belongings; everything I couldn't fit in my two suitcases I had exchanged for bits, which I'd then put in the bank. Aside from my clothes, I packed enough carrying money for a few weeks, some toiletries, and the framed picture of Applejack that I had kept on the mantle. I raised a hand to my cheek, feeling the bruise that Rainbow Dash's hoof had left when I told her I was leaving Ponyville. I'd made the decision to go while I was depressed, but the two weeks leading up to this day had made it clear to me that I was doing the right thing. For all my friends and all the ponies who cared about me, I couldn't stay in Ponyville any longer. There were too many painful memories; too many regrets for me to face. I looked at the clock. Only four hours until the train to New Mareleans departed. I was filled with a sense of both apprehension and eagerness. A fresh start, I told myself, but I only half-believed it. Rainbow Dash had called me a coward and said I was running away from my problems, and part of me agreed with her. Part of me wanted to stay in Ponyville with my friends and honor Applejack's memory by living like she would have wanted us to, but I knew that it was a pipe dream. I couldn't carry on living there without Applejack. The whole town reminded me of her, her loss, and my own failings and that was something I couldn't live with.
Pinkie had thrown a going away party for me the night before. It wasn't a large one, and the mood of the evening was by no means as bubbly and positive as her regular parties, but we did our best to focus on the good and not to dwell on all that had happened in the month prior. Rainbow was markedly absent; she had turned down Pinkie's invitation point blank, saying that if I wanted to leave, she wasn't going to stop me, but she wasn't about to celebrate it either. I'd hurt her deeply, it seemed, with my decision to leave, and I regretted it, but I was determined to make a new start. Twilight Sparkle and I talked at length during the party. She had been researching New Mareleans ever since I told her I was moving there; research and study seemed to be her coping mechanism. She would retreat into her volumes and old tomes whenever something negative happened in her life. When Applejack first fell ill she had apparently spent two days locked in the library researching obscure pony diseases, to no avail. She was a good friend, Twilight. I promised to write as soon as I got settled in my new city when I left the party. I was moving on, but I wasn't about to leave my friends behind. I walked home and started to pack my suitcases.
At noon I looked up at the clock again. Three hours remained until the train departed. I looked to the door and saw Applejack's tan hat hanging on its hook. Taking a step forward, I steeled myself and took the hat from the hook. It was time to visit the Apples one last time.
I walked the path to Sweet Apple Acres slowly, Applejack's hat in my hands. I reminisced as I went, thinking back to the times my mare and I had walked that path together, the times when she would sneak up on me, the times when I would surprise her on her way back from the market, they were good times. I felt my eyes begin to water as I remembered a darker scene. I remembered carrying my mare, holding her head close to my chest and running towards the hospital. I remembered seeing her fall in the midst of working one day and seeing her struggle to get back up before she passed out. I looked up at the clear blue sky and stopped myself.
“Now's not the time, Anon. You've got something important to do.”
“I'm sorry for everything that's happened, Applebloom. I want you to know that I loved Applejack more than anything.”
“Ah know, Anon, she was yer special somepony”
“And she was your sister. I know how much she meant to you...how much you meant to her.” I lifted Applejack's hat to eye level with the filly, nearly grown now. Her eyes flitted around, searching my face for what I was getting at, before widening at the realization. I heard her breath catch in her throat as I continued. “So I know she would have wanted me to give you this.” I placed the tan hat on Applebloom's head and she stared at me for a moment before welling up and burying her face in my chest. Through her heaves I heard her speak.
“Ah'm sorry, fer what Ah said ta ya back then, Anon... Ah- Ah just din't want ta believe that-”
“Shh, it's okay. I understand. I'm sure if Applejack were here she'd be proud of you. Take good care of that hat, Applebloom.” I got up as the filly stepped back, still sniffling. I gave a weak smile and bid her goodbye as I turned and walked back into town. I had put on a strong face for Applebloom, but as I got out of earshot I felt my own breath start to catch in my throat and warm tears start to run down my face.
The station was nearly empty when I arrived to wait for my train. I laid my suitcases on the bench and took out a book to read while I waited. A little while before my departure time I heard clopping off to my side. I turned to see five pastel-colored mares standing a few feet down the platform from me. I got up and walked over to them. Fluttershy looked at the floor, her eyes meeting mine only briefly as she mumbled a goodbye. Twilight and Rarity remained relatively stoic. The two mares gave me some parting advice and reminded me to write from my new home once I arrived. Pinkie Pie dissolved into dramatic tears; her eyes becoming fountains as I said my goodbyes. The train pulled up to the platform at the same time I turned to Rainbow Dash. She looked everywhere but at me, her face revealing the betrayal she felt. I gave a final apology to the pegasus, wrapped my arms around the crying Pinkie Pie one last time, and thanked the mares for the time we had spent together. As I boarded the train I caught a glimpse of Rainbow Dash looking up at me, with tears in her eyes.
“Goodbye, Dash, maybe you'll forgive me someday.” With a loud whistle, the train lurched forward and I took my seat. Ponyville quickly receded into distance and I looked out the window, my thoughts turning to the mares and the life I'd just left behind. A sliver of doubt needled its way into my mind. As determined to move on as I was, I felt like New Mareleans was only the first stone in a long road back to a normal life. Whether or not I'd find my grounding there I didn't know, but I felt driven to try.
Rarity walked up the dirt path, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash at her sides. The years showed on their faces. They had grown up, now. They were wives, mothers, friends. Rarity had grandfillies on the way, she said with great pride. Her mane, now graying with age, was still kept perfectly, matching her coat and giving her a look of distinguishing grace. Twilight kept hers in a tight bun, her youthful naivete having long since been replaced by learned experience. The Library was still hers, and she had expanded it in her years in Ponyville. Pinkie Pie had taken over Sugar Cube Corner, never losing her bubbly attitude or crazed exuberance. The gray streaks in her mane simply added to the persona. Rainbow's signature mane had faded some over the years, but she hadn't lost her spirit. She'd settled down later than her friends, but by now had started a family. Fluttershy had grown out of her shyness, in speech, at the least, and flew alongside Rainbow Dash as the group made their way to their destination.
“It's hard to believe,” Twilight started “He's gone for so long and then out of the blue, it looks like he's right back home.”
“Not right back, we're over ten miles from Ponyville. If we weren't told he was here, we'd probably never even know.” Rainbow Dash replied. It had been so many years since Applejack had passed away...so many years since she'd lost one friend and then another, only to now find one so close to home, yet so far away.
“Celestia said he'd been traveling, Rainbow. You remember how he was when...you know...”
“Why didn't he ever just send us a letter?” Rarity looked forward, towards the horizon. “He could have at least told us how he was doing sometime over the years.”
“It's complicated.” Twilight looked to her friend. “He wanted to get away and start fresh. I guess he just couldn't take the reminders, or didn't want to be more of a burden on us, or any number of things.”
“I'm just glad to be seeing him again! I haven't gotten to throw a party for Anonymous in forever!” Pinkie Pie's excitement rubbed off on the rest of the mares as they walked the path, sharing stories and memories of their youthful days, of Applejack, of Anon, and of their time together, sharing adventures and living life.
At last their goal came into view over the crest of a hill. A farmhouse stood proud in the open plain, surrounded by brown fence, a modest but lush orchard growing in the south field. A small barn and silo punctuated the scene. The idyllic country home. As the five mares approached, the sound of high laughter became audible.
“You're it!” A young colt tapped another, who had failed to escape him.
“Nuh-uh, you didn't get me!”
“I so did!” He pounded his hoof against the ground
“Nuh-uh!”
“Yuh-huh!”
“Nuh-uh!”
“Yuh-huh!” The two were interrupted by a blue filly who jumped on both.
“Now you're BOTH it!” She laughed as she bounded off. The two colts looked at each other before running off in pursuit, eliciting a chorus of lively screams from the colts and fillies behind the house. The five mares stopped in front of the gate, watching the scene. They opened the gate and walked up the stone path to the front door. One of the foals, having made a circuit around the house, stopped in front of them as they walked.
“Hi! I've never seen you around here before! Are you looking for somepony?”
“Why yes, we're old friends of Anonymous. Is he home?” Rarity asked. The colt cast his gaze down at the ground for a few seconds before responding.
“I-I'll get Ms. Beatrix...” He trailed off before trotting inside. The five mares felt an implacable sinking as they watched the young colt lose his happy energy. A few minutes passed before the door to the house opened again and a blue mare with a graying, pale blue mane stepped out. She looked up at the mares in front of her with kind eyes as they looked back in shock.
“...Trixie?” Rainbow Dash stared wide-eyed. It had been so long since Trixie had come to Ponyville last, Rainbow and the others hardly recognized her at first. Trixie sighed heavily before replying.
“That's a name I haven't gone by in a long time, Ms. Dash. Please, come inside. I've been expecting you.” She beckoned the five confused mares inside and led them to the parlor. As they sat around the low coffee table, a filly came into the room and walked over to Trixie.
“Is it them? It really is them, isn't it?” She asked in a hushed tone.
“Yes, it's them. Could you put a kettle on? I think our guests could use some tea.”
“Of course, Ms. Beatrix.” The filly walked out and into the kitchen.
“I suppose you all have more than a few questions, so feel free to ask while we wait for the tea.” Trixie looked around the room at the five mares seated in front of her. Pinkie Pie was the first to speak up.
“Where's Anon? We were told he was here. When can we see him?”
“Soon, Ms. Pie. For now you'll have to be patient.” A minute or two passed in silence. “Don't any of you have any questions? Ms. Sparkle? Ms. Rarity?”
“Why are you here, Trixie?” Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes as she spoke. She'd all but forgotten about her humiliation at the boastful mare's hooves all those years ago. “I can't picture our Anon having anything to do with ponies like y-”
“Rainbow, please, show some tact. We're in Trixie's home, from the looks of it.” Twilight cut Rainbow Dash off, trying to keep her from saying anything more rude than she already had. Trixie sighed again before answering.
“You can just call me Beatrix. Trixie was my stage-name and I put that all behind me a long time ago.” She looked around the room, collecting her thoughts before going on. “Way back when I came to Ponyville, I was overconfident, to say the least. A braggart and a showpony, riding on exaggerated tales of my exploits to make a few bits in each city I visited. After the incident with that Ursa Minor, I couldn't do it anymore. Granted I tried, I really did, but news traveled faster than I could about the pony who really saved the day, and my parlor tricks and bravado weren't so well-received from then on.” She looked down at the table for a moment. “After that, I sort of started drifting, town to town, doing odd-jobs and demeaning shows...” She stopped again. It was not a good memory, but it was a story that had to be told. She owed it to him to tell his friends. “Anonymous ran into me in Baltimare. We were at a bar, he told me he was in town for business, but I could tell by the way he carried himself that he was as aimless as I was, just too proud to admit it. We talked for hours; it was like we had both found somepony to open up to, who was in a similar place. He stayed in Baltimare for about a week before he moved on. We crossed paths many times, in different cities; Fillydelphia, Manehattan, Stalliongrad, Hoofington, on and on for a few years. We shared a room in Detrot the last time we met; he let me have the bed, gentleman that he was. Every time we ran into each other we'd catch up and see how the other was doing. We grew close in the time we spent together. By the time we met in Detrot I thought I had really found somepony who understood me; who cared what happened to me. I asked him if he wanted to come and stay in Trottingham with me, since I'd been in contact with some ponies there and was looking for a place to finally stop wandering. I remember he said he'd think about it before trailing off and changing the subject. He disappeared suddenly after that. I felt like I'd lost something when he left. I had nopony to talk to anymore, and I sank back into my old ways to cope. I didn't see him again for six years. Then, out of nowhere, when I was staying in Canterlot, of all places, I get a message from him. Apparently he'd found a poster of me somewhere and had a pegasus track me down with the letter.”
Trixie again stopped her story as the tea came out. Pouring a cup for each of the mares before starting up again. “The letter said he had bought a farm outside of Ponyville. He wrote that he had been trying to find me for a few months but couldn't because I had moved around so much. Apparently he had hired the pegasus who delivered it to track me down since he couldn't give an address or even a location. The first page of the letter he spent apologizing for disappearing on me in Detrot and telling me how much the time we spent in each others' company meant to him. My asking him to come with me had made him remember somepony he'd lost, he wrote, and he wasn't ready to do something like that. He wanted me to come live with him on the farm and help him realize a certain pony's dream. At first I was shocked that he'd even remembered me after all this time, even more so that he though I'd ever want to live in the country, but after a few weeks of brooding and thinking about it, I decided that I was getting nowhere fast, and traveled back to Ponyville to find the place. I've been here ever since, taking care of other lost souls, as it were.” Trixie set the cup onto the saucer and looked at the five mares, who sat in silence, taking in her story. She had changed much since they had met in their youths. The arrogant smirk, the smug tone of voice, the bravado and overconfidence in her eyes had left her. Before them sat a different pony than the one they had forced out of Ponyville those years ago when the Ursa Minor struck. Rainbow Dash broke the silence.
“That's all fine, Tr- Beatrix, but we came here to see Anon. Twilight got a letter two days ago telling us he's here, so when are we going to see him?” She was leaning forward now. The distant look in Trixie's eyes whenever she mentioned Anonymous had set her on edge, as if she could already tell what was to come. The story brought back painful memories for Rainbow Dash. Memories of a time in her life long since passed, when she lost friends so suddenly and got no explanations. “Where is he, Beatrix?”
“Rainbow, please, you mustn't be so aggressive.” Rarity spoke calmly as she picked up her teacup and took a sip.
“Thank you, Rarity. If you'll all come with me, I'll take you to Anon now. He simply wanted you to hear my story beforehand.” She got up from her chair and the filly who had brought the tea walked in sheepishly and collected the china set. The five mares rose from their seats as well and followed Trixie through the house to the back, and on into the yard. As they made their way behind the blue mare, the group of old friends felt that implacable sinking turn into full-blown dread. The foals who had been playing in the yard had stopped when the group exited the house. They looked on, whispering amongst themselves until some of the older fillies corralled them inside, speaking in hushed tones as they went.
At last they came to a large oak in the back yard. Its strong branches swayed in the breeze as the group stood by Trixie, who motioned to a plot of earth marked by a simple granite stone. The five mares' faces fell. They had all known this was coming, from Trixie's behavior, to the colts and fillies hushed tones and somber attitude regarding Anon, but seeing the headstone drove the reality home.
“He never stopped loving her, you know. Every time we met in whatever city he'd talk about that mare and how he was trying to get himself back on track. In a way we saved each other, but I could never replace her.” Trixie looked at Anon's headstone with eyes betraying her emotions. “Still, I like to think I made a good companion.” She produced a yellow envelope as she spoke and handed it to Rainbow Dash. “He wanted me to give you this, Ms. Dash.” Rainbow took the envelope as Trixie turned and left the five mares alone. “I'll leave you some time with Anon.”
“What's the letter say, Rainbow?” Rarity looked over the cyan pegasus' shoulder as Rainbow read it silently.
“I think it was just meant for her, Rarity” Twilight looked at Rainbow's face as it softened and her eyes began to well up.
“If you say so.” Rarity said with a sigh. “Rainbow? Are you alright, darling?” Rainbow Dash wiped her eyes and turned to her friends.
“Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Should we pay our respects now?”
“I think that'd be good.” Fluttershy spoke somberly
“Alright.” Pinkie stepped forward as the five mares formed a semi circle around the headstone and said their last goodbyes to their lost friend.
As the sun made its way towards the horizon, the five mares made their way back to the house. They talked some more with Trixie about Anon before taking their leave, their families waiting for them back in Ponyville. Rainbow Dash hung back. She walked into the back yard, to Anonymous' headstone and lay a hoof on the top of the granite marker. In her other hoof was the letter, which read:
“Dear Rainbow Dash,
I'm sorry I never wrote you when I was away. You were right; I am a coward. When I got to New Mareleans I lasted two weeks before I started drifting again. I couldn't face you or the others so I kept on drifting, then running, then just wandering. I went from city to city hoping to escape that guilt and depression, but it followed wherever I went. I shudder to think what would have become of me if I hadn't met Beatrix. She was a lost soul, like myself, and we shared our pain and eventually our company. She told me she knew you once; small world, I suppose. Beatrix is a lot like Applejack, deep down, you know. She's headstrong and caring and she saved me. She'll be modest about it if you ask, but I wouldn't have made it this far without her. When she asked me to come live with her I ran again; it was too much like what happened with Applejack. But eventually I realized that I couldn't run forever; that that was the problem. So I decided to work towards realizing Applejack's dream as best I could. She always wanted a farm outside of Ponyville, where she could raise a family. I like to think she'd be proud of what I've done with Beatrix here. I know Applejack would have done the same for me.
“Of course I forgive you, you brainless monkey.” Rainbow rested her forehead on the headstone as the tears fell to the ground. She stayed there for several minutes until her eyes dried and the knot in her throat faded. She smiled as foals ran happily around the yard, playing, and walked to the gate leading to the road to Ponyville. As she started on her way home, she turned back and looked one last time at the sign over the gate.
Applejack Acres
Home for Wayward Foals
Trixie sat in the living room, sipping a cup of tea. She had found her place in the world thanks to Anonymous, and the foals and fillies in her care brought her more joy than any applause ever had. On the mantle, faded from years of wear and travel, sat the framed picture of Applejack, smiling faintly in the setting sun.
The End
