I have no idea what I'm doing
Cookie Crumble stepped off the train trembling with excitement. Before her lay the only place she'd ever wanted to live, a place where sharing kindness was an easy feat and big adventures were waiting around every corner. It was a place where there was fun to be had, and a place where there were friends to be made. To Cookie, it was truly a place of magic. It was Ponyville.
She'd heard all the stories of course, you'd have to live under a rock not to know the tales told of the ponies that lived here. Why, this unassuming little town was home to the friends who saved all of Equestria more times than most ponies cared to count. Cookie couldn't wait to get started, so she stepped out of the station and into the town.
The first pony she met was an earth pony with a curly pink and purple mane and some candies for a cutie mark, who greeted Cookie with a kind voice and a big smile.
"Hey, I don't think I've seen you in town before. Are you new here?"
"Actually I am. I just got off the train and I'm so excited to live here! I've heard so many nice things about this town, I just can't wait to meet everypony!" Cookie's enthusiasm was both obvious and slightly obnoxious.
"Oh yes," the pony responded, "There's so many nice ponies living here, I'm sure you'll fit in just fine Miss - Wait, I don't think I got your name. What was it?"
"Name's Cookie Crumble, best baker in all of Equestria!" At this point cookie struck what she hoped was a cool pose. "What's your name?"
"Silly me, should've introduced myself earlier. I'm Bon Bon, and let me be the first to welcome you to Ponyville! You should go meet Pinkie Pie, she loves to bake too. Oh, here she is now." Indeed the physics defying pink pony had appeared out of thin air, and glared at Bon Bon with an uncharacteristic scowl across her face, half covered by a mane that hung straight.
"Bon Bon, what are you doing?" Pinkie's voice was eerily quiet., but Bon Bon seemed oblivious to this.
"Oh I was just welcoming our new friend Cookie Crumble to Ponyville. You know she's a baker too and-." At this point Bon Bon was cut off from a painful slap across her face.
"Listen up Bon Bon. You can have your dainty little candies and your curly mane, but welcoming ponies is my job, so STAY OFF MY BUCKING TURF! You understand that bitch?"
"But Pinkie I-." Another slap, hard enough to knock Bon Bon to the ground. Pinkie pushed a hoof down on her chest."
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?" Pinkie lifted Bon Bon with one hoof and slammed her against a wall.
"Yes Pinkie Pie," Bon Bon whimpered.
"Good." Pinkie let go, and Bon Bon slid down the wall with tears in her eyes. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to welcome Cookie to Ponyville." Pinkie turned, but instead of seeing the new pony in town in front of her she saw Cookie galloping away at top speed. "Wait up!" Pinkie tried to get the unicorn's attention, but Cookie just started galloping faster. "I haven't welcomed you to Ponyville yet!"
Cookie was galloping as fast as her legs would carry her. She wasn't entirely sure what she'd just witnessed but her only goal was to be as far away from it as possible. That's not the Pinkie Pie I heard about in the stories! Pinkie Pie is the element of laughter, how could she act like that? By the end of the day Cookie Crumble would soon find out that the stories had left out much more than that.
Lost in her thoughts, Cookie failed to see that she had entered the market at full gallop. She also failed to notice the apple stand ahead of her, or the orange earth pony there trying to get her attention. In fact Cookie didn't notice much of anything until she heard a massive crash in front of her, and looked up to see a pile of rubble where the apple stand had stood a few seconds earlier. In the center of the rubble was a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane.
"Consarn it Rainbow Dash! This is the third time this month y'all destroyed mah apple stand! What in blazes were you thinking?" The rainbow-maned pegasus, who Cookie of course recognized as Rainbow Dash, rose from the rubble.
"Chill out AJ, it's just wood and nails. Besides, did you see me up there? I was-" Applejack cut her off mid-sentence.
"Ah don't care what kind of fancy ass tricks y'all were doing, these things cost bits and Ah ain't paying for your recklessness no more! So y'all better cough up the bits to pay for the stands you broke this week, or y'all gonna be working it off on the farm!" Rainbow Dash looked surprised. AJ never used language like that, but Rainbow was determined to keep her cool.
"Puh-lease, what kind of terrible work do you have on the farm? Kicking trees? Planting seeds? I'll do whatever you give me in ten seconds flat." At this point a sinister grin spread across Applejack's face. Few ponies had seen that grin before, and fewer got the chance to tell about it.
"Ten seconds flat, eh? Well RD, just for that little comment y'all gonna be working with Big Mac in the onion fields!" A collective gasp rang out from everypony except for Cookie, who was still in shock from the sudden destruction of the apple stand. A look of terror was on Rainbow's face, and fear filled her eyes.
"No, AJ, I'm sorry! I'll find a way to get the bits, but please don't send me to the onion fields! Big Mac is the only pony to come out of there alive, and he can barely speak anymore! ANYTHING BUT THE ONION FIELDS!! Please Applejack, as your friend, please don't send me there!"
"Nothin' doin' RD, you made your choice." Applejack's eyes showed no trace of emotion, but Rainbow’s were filling with tears as AJ dragged her away.
"NOOOOOO!!!! PLEASE, SOMEPONY HELP ME! ANYPONY!!! HELP MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" Rainbow Dash's screams faded away, and everypony looked on in silence. Cookie finally came to her senses, still not entirely sure what she'd just witness. All she knew about it was that it had scared her half to death, and she needed to go calm down. The library would probably work, and as Cookie walked there she made a mental note to herself; Never cross Applejack. She didn't know what the onion fields were, but she had no intention of finding out.
Cookie saw the library ahead. It was sanctuary, and she knew that the one mare who could figure out what was going on with the elements of harmony would be found there. One Twilight Sparkle, faithful student of the princess herself and easily the most well-read pony in Ponyville, if not in all of Equestria. Cookie was sure that good old level-headed Twilight could figure this out as surely as Applejack was honest or as Rainbow Dash was loyal. So of course Cookie entered without hesitation, not knowing that she would soon look back on that decision as another in a long line of mistakes that began when she decided to get off the train.
When she entered the library there was nopony to be seen among neither the shelves of books, nor any noises to be heard upstairs. What could be seen was a slightly ajar door leading to the basement. Guess Twilight must be down there. Cookie walked through the doorway and went downstairs.
Cookie reached the basement and found an impressive basement laboratory, with beakers filled with strange liquids on the rows of tables and chemistry equipment scattered about the room. Bunsen Burners were running and a centrifuge was spinning, and a huge shelf of science books covered the back wall. Next to this was a small desk covered with papers and books, with a certain lavender unicorn presiding over the chaos and muttering to herself quietly.
"Oh thank Celestia I found you," Cookie exclaimed. "Listen, all of your friends are acting crazy and you have to do something! Pinkie almost knocked out Bon Bon and Applejack is taking Rainbow Dash to the onion fields! The onion fields Twilight, do something!" Twilight turned to her and looked her over from mane to hoof., then let out a little chuckle.
"You're new here aren't you? Thought the Elements of Harmony were just like the ponies in the stories? Well you'll quickly learn that many of Equestria’s greatest ponies were quite, well, insane. Just look at Celestia, banished her own sister to the moon for a thousand years over a little squabble. And just be happy you haven't met Rarity, if you knew what she was really like you'd be on the next train back to wherever you came from. Hell, I’m performing unregulated experiments with dangerous chemicals not two feet from where we're standing and I'm barely paying attention to them." Twilight paused for a moment, and then added. "Oh and before you ask, no it is not a safe experiment. We only make progress in science when we don't really know what's going to-" BOOM* At this point there was a large explosion informing the two ponies of the result of the experiment, as well as unceremoniously ejecting their now unconscious bodies from the library.
On any other day, Cookie would have been ecstatic to see the ponies she saw when she awoke. Unfortunately, it wasn't any other day. It was today, and everyone in this town was clearly quite insane. Applejack with her onion fields and Twilight with her unregulated experiments. Pinkie probably seriously injured Bonbon for no real reason and Rainbow Dash was off working the onion fields. So when Cookie awoke to see Rarity and Fluttershy standing over her, she was less than excited.
In fact, Cookie was so terrified that rather than try to talk to either of the two ponies, she simply bucked Fluttershy in the face, causing her to cry out in pain, and attempted to run. Unfortunately Rarity decided that Cookie was needed here and levitated her with unicorn magic, which Cookie failed to notice until he'd been trying to run in mid-air for a good two or three minutes.
"Darling, why are you trying to run away?," Rarity inquired, ignoring the now injured Fluttershy. "We're not going to hurt you." Cookie looked at Rarity with a deranged look in her eyes.
"Oh Rarity, of course you'll hurt me. Don't you see, everypony in this is crazy and now they've gotten me too! Why, i bet you're crazy too. So is Fluttershy. I bet you have awful plans for me, but I won't let you! You two will never take me alive, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Cookie's maniacal laughter grew higher in pitch as she once again bucked the recovering Fluttershy. She turned to see Rarity's horn beginning to glow but ended that misbehaviour with a quick backhand. At this point Cookie ran as fast as she could for the door so she could make a dramatic exit, and would've done so had the door been open.
SMASH!!
The door, however, had been firmly closed. Once again Cookie fell unconscious and Rarity turned to Fluttershy.
"Oh dear, are you quite alright? We simply must get you clean before that blood stains your beautiful fur."
"Oh, no thank you really. I'll be fine. Why did she think we were crazy?"
"Well, you've seen the ponies in this town. Shame too, I really wanted that three-way."
"Me too, but too bad. Wanna call Colgate? She's always happy to see us."
"Sounds marvellous, I'll call her right now"
With that, Fluttershy quietly shoved Cookie's unconscious body into the bushes outside and closed the door.
Cookie Crumble awoke for the final time in a dimly lit room. She was strapped to some kind of table, and the only other pony she could see was Pinkie Pie. Cookie was justifiably terrified at wandering out of her own poorly written fanfic into an even more poorly written one, and stifled a scream as Pinkie walked up to her with a smile on her face and a devilish look in her eyes. She picked up a big, sharp, knife, looked down at Cookie and said:
"Welcome to Ponyville Cookie Crumble"
FIN
