Monster Census

by Silly Words

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character
Length: 2158

A pony tries to complete the government census of monsters, while other ponies see her as a monster herself.

The Equestrian Ministry of Nature keeps a statistic - the census of monsters. It is used for a lot of other private and government decisions, like calculating insurance premiums, garrison sizes and marking of natural preserves. Yet, the data for this statistic has never in the ministry's history properly and fully collected, due to lack of volunteers mentally and physically able to make the survey.
One pony from a tribe that had for centuries been banished from Equestria tries to change that.

More character tags shall be added as the story progresses.

Published 2015-05-15 22:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-15 22:50:01 UTC

Chi, Mae and Ra

The Flame-guzzer swamp could not be described as quiet. As it lied over a geologically active part of land, it was full of hot geysers and pockets of flammable gas. Often, at both regular and irregular intervals, the ground would erupt in a show of flame.

Today, however, the land found itself being disturbed by an additional source. A pony that carefully walked across the unstable ground, her carmine coat muted by dust accumulated in many days worth of trekking to a brown shade, most notable at the fur of her fetlocks.

Every once in a few steps, her added weight disturbed the balance of the underground pressures, causing flame to burst out, sometimes near, sometimes far, sometimes before her, sometimes behind, the light always making her mane seem more red than her natural brass. Already, her saddlebags suffered a bit of damage when she entered the area, with a slight scorch mark on one side. The mare didn't like to think about it, as she couldn't bare to imagine losing the precious cargo stored inside.

Taking a pause to reach inside her other saddlebag and picking out a bottle, she observed her surroundings. Moving the bottle to her mouth hidden by a bandana, she took a sip, and then placed the bottle back. She was just about to continue her trek when her ear twitched, picking up a faint groan from the side. Turning, she went in the direction around an old tree husk and some brambles.

Finally, she found the source of the noise. A creature twice her size, composed of a goat, a lion and a snake, that was lying on it's back, hog-tied.

“Come on! I'm getting a cramp!” The goat head said, addressing the snake tail that was trying to chew through the rope.

“I'm trying! These jawsss weren't made for cutting through ssstuff, you know!”

The pony watched for a few seconds. Ah, yeah. Three heads. That might get confusing, a thought flashed through her mind. In a brief spark of inspiration, she named the tiger Chi, the goat Mae and the snake Ra in her head. It would be kinda funny if they really were named like this, she smirked before stepping closer and making herself known.

“Good evening. Would you like some help?” she asked, her voice somewhat muffled by the bandana, as she closed the distance.

The chimaera stiffened, and all heads that were capable of turning did so. “Who's that? Why would they help us?” The remaining Chi asked.

“Some pony I've never seen before,” Mae answered.

“Eh. You've seen one, you've seen them all.”

The pony continued on. “Don't worry. You're just the creature I was looking for. I'm sure it will make things a lot more comfortable for you.” She stopped just before where she expected was just outside the reach of the snake. “So, may I?”

“... Fine, go on,” the chimaerea finally decided.

The mare moved, and soon discarded the rope. Then, before the stretching chimaera, she put down her saddlebags, rummaged through them a little and took out a board with a stack of paper and a pencil.

“Well then. My name is Papercut. I'm here on behalf of the Equestrian Ministry of Nature to bring data for an ongoing monster census. You seem like an agreeable fellow, so I'm hoping you could answer some questions for me.”

“Perhaps,” started Chi, taking a long look at the pony, licking it's maw. “But, you know, I shall not be doing it for free. You see, we were tied up for quite a long time, and it's been a long time since we had a meal before that…”

“Oh, sorry. If I'd known, I'd keep that one last fish. Maybe I can help you after we're done?”

“Why wait? You do have more than a fishhh on you, and fresssher, too,” Ra edged closer.

The pony raised an eyebrow. “Are you seriously contemplating what I think you are? Don't you know that predator meat isn't really good?”

“Predator? Hah!” The tiger barred her teeth. “We're hungry, not stupid!”

“Oh, right!” The pony removed her bandana, revealing a row of sharp teeth of her own, with two fangs that reached far past her chin clearly visible. “I suppose you couldn't notice my fangs.”

The revelation stunned the chimaera a little, but only for a few seconds. “They don't matter!”

“What? Of course they do! They're even longer than yours!”

This triggered an indignant outcry of Chi: “Are not!”

“Yes they are.”

“No, they aren't!”

“Ugh, predators…” Mae grumbled, and facepawed. It didn't go unnoticed, as Ra let out a “Hey!” in response.

“No, I'm pretty sure they are,” Papercut narrowed her eyes. “And it's also quite obvious that yours have seen some rough handling.” She narrowed her eyes even more as an erupting flame lightened the scene a little more for a short while. “By Foggy Dew, have you been chewing on tree bark or something?”

Chi let out a roar. “I have had enough!”

Papercut nearly didn't move in time to avoid the chimaera's pounce. Her questionnaire thumped as it fell to the ground, forgotten in the sudden life-threatening situation.

Of course it can't ever go smoothly, the sabertooth pony grimaced. Even if they can have a conversation, it just ends with a flight-or-fight. Why did I ever accept this job?

The chimaera's strikes were powerful, but still, Papercut couldn't shake the feeling it moved slower than it could have. She used that to keep dodging and keeping out of it's reach. Still, she needed a better strategy. She was pretty sure that her stamina wouldn't hold out as long as the chimaera's.

She tried to find some weak points to start a counter-offense. First, she tried dodging to the right, subconsciously thinking that the herbivore head might be the easiest to deal with. She was soon proved wrong, however, as she discovered by a near escape from it's ramming, that Mae had a lot of it's autonomous mobility.

Keeping to the other side instead, she discovered a potential weak spot. Given good timing, she would be able to at least slow the chimaera with a good placed buck. But that's when the lizard tail striked.

She knew that if it was an actual snake, she'd be done for, as she certainly did not have matching reflexes. Fortunately for her, as a replacement tail of sorts, Ra's base kept moving at the whim of it's sisters. That's why the first two strikes missed her. She even managed to snap her teeth right next to Ra's head when it lingered nearby for a while longer, giving it pause, perhaps rethinking strategy.

Then, suddenly, after a particularly powerful jump, her opponent seized, fell and started twitching her leg.

“OW! Stupid cramp!”

Papercut breathed deeply, relaxing after the onslaught. “You know, I did have a few dances with tigers back home.”

A growl was all she got in response.

“So, let's make this easier, I'm going to try and make guesses. And you just say yes or no. Can we do that?”

This time, she got a hiss and a grumble.

“I'll assume that's a yes.” I'll have to skip out on the names, though, she thought as she trotted over to her dropped papers. ”Well then. I can guess you keep lying in wait to ambush ponies passing through in hopes to shorten their way to or from the town north of here. But they manage to keep fighting back for their lives. Am I right?”

Mae snorted. “We're not always trying to eat the ponies. Sometimes we get a pie instead.”

“But the ponies are tastier,” added Chi.

“Even if it ssseems like they're getting lessss and lessss worth the hassssle,” finished Ra.

“I see. How about foraging, or local wildlife?”

“Well, sure, there's always that. It's not like the ponies travel through here every week.” The chimaera's leg slowly stopped twitching.

Papercut did not notice, as she was immersed in her paperwork making short notes. “I see. Just checking. I'm not really from around here, and I nearly thought this place is barren.” She thought for a moment. “So, are you local to this habitat?”

When she did not get a response, she looked up-

Only to just barely roll away from the swipe of a tiger paw. Internally, she winced at the sound of her papers fluttering in disarray. However, she did not have the luxury to dwell on that. The chimaera resumed it's assault.

Once again, the pony found herself dodging attacks, somewhat surprised. She did hope it would take the cramp a while longer to subside, and let her guard down. That's why now she was more on the defensive.

She did manage a few fake counterattacks, once even nearly managing to bite the opponents paw, and kept dodging as she did before. But the chimaera seemed to learn from it's mistakes and kept her just within reach, giving Papercut only very short moments in which she might try to consider some constructive action.

It was in those short moments that an alarming feeling surfaced to nag at the back of Papercut's mind. It did not remain a feeling for long, as soon she felt her flank sandwiched between a tree and a giant rock.

All the chimaera's heads smirked “You might have faced tigers before, but not one with a brain to use the knowledge of her territory.”

“Which, I guess, also answers your last question.”

Papercut quickly checked her surroundings. She has been cornered. Any movement to the side or forward would just open her up to any attacks that would come. Either I'm getting out of practice, or I really need to get some better sleep, she winced.

She saw the beast preparing for the final pounce. Quickly, she decided on a distraction. Careful to time things right, she observed. Just before the chimaera's jump, she held up a hoof and pointed. With a quick shout: “Is that sweet grass?”

“Where?!” Mae took the bait, and as she turned, it threw the whole body off balance, affecting the whole jump. Papercut then rolled out of the way, but not quick enough to avoid getting hit. She felt one of the claws pierce and make a line along her jaw.

Quickly getting up, she surveyed the result. Apparently, the tiger head was dazed, as it hit the rock in the jump. The goat, however, had an angry expression, and was trying to get the body up. With another quick decision, she bucked the head, making the body slump.

All that movement saved her from an attack of the remaining head again. Ra only brushed the fur on her withers. It was enough for her to remember that there is still one head left and jump out of it's reach.

Taking long deep breaths, she looked over the lying creature. She touched her wound with her hoof. While she could not see the blood on her coat, she sure could feel it. She once again moved over to her bags, picked up all the papers and packed them. I really should move before there's a third time I have to fight this thing.

Two steps afterward she stopped and slapped her forehead. Almost forgot, she groaned quietly. Picking a paper from her saddlebags back out, she turned around, heading for the chimarea again.

“So, the Equestrian ministry's regulations require me to take your signature or hoof- well, pawprint, in your case.” Seeing Ra silently glaring at her, she picked up a forked branch before taking another step.

Ra's attention snapped to the branch and back. Feigning action, Papercut watched as the snake striked air. Immediately, before it had a change to coil for a strike again, she pinned it right behind the head. “Hey! Not fair!” it hissed at her.

“If you have any objections to the information captured in the document, you can always send an official complaint to the ministry and their agents will look into it.”

Then the pony approached the knocked out body, raised it's paw, smeared some ink on it and pressed it to the paper.

Satisfied with the print, she finally placed the paper in the saddlebag and once again turned around, breaking into a run to where she came from. Already, she heard the beast stirring, and if it's growls mixed with moans were any indication, it was angry at best.

She remembered she had to slow down when a bright plume of fire erupted just before her nose. Soon, she heard the chimaera going after her. Fortunately, it had the same problem with the flames, and had to slow down too.

In this harrowing, somewhat slow-motion chase, Papercut contemplated: And here I thought Equestria's going to be a boring place…

Author's Note

Here's a spoiler for the next chapter:
Papercut grimaced. “I don't really like apples.”