/HaS/ in Equestria

by Iron McGalley

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Alternate Universe, Romance, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 4482

HaS goes to Equestria and fucks shit up.

HaS goes to Equestria and fucks shit up.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-17 23:55:25 UTC

Prologue

It was the day. That day. Ponies went about the streets with a little extra care; with one more glance of caution as they passed even the most mundane of objects. It was not a regular day. It was not necessarily a bad day, but that didn’t make it any easier on the mind. As they went they worried, casting their eyes over their seemingly normal town with the burning sensation at the edge of their minds that it would simply not remain that way for long. Something would happen.

Ponyville didn't need to wait for long.

It was at the town hall that is happened. Amid the crowds that tried despite their senses to enjoy what seemed like a normal day came the sound of racing wind at first. A gasp ran through the crowd as the currents of air rushed past them; snatching hats and loose belongings from their owners in synchronized malevolence with a glow and buzz that emanated from thin air. The crowds moved out of the way and into already chosen cover. The constant of strange danger from their own town had long since made them cautious in the extreme, and one more oddity would not catch them entirely unawares.

The air shimmered and reality shattered as steel materialized from nothing but air by the town hall. A large container of metal in oval shape tore through the apparent normalcy of the town and slammed against the cobblestone of the road; shattering them like so many glass marbles. It rested there, ominous and oppressive, as the crowds peered at it from behind their shelters.

Absolute silence reigned for a few moments with nothing but the aftermath of the object’s intrusion slowly clawing at the quiet that had fallen on the town like a stone upon the sand. A soft, almost imperceptible hum and the faintest whisper of laughter. Slowly and with agonizingly precise bursts of movements, a segment of it slowly became detached. With a thud it fell to the floor and raised a curtain of dust. Out from within the darkness, accompanied by the sound of laughter and clinking glasses, was a creature unlike the ponies had ever seen.

He stood proud like a minotaur, but wasn’t as bulky as one. In fact, his posture and dress gave him a very straight-edged look, as though they were looking at an oligarch. The fancy suit jacket didn’t help with that image, either.

The biped adjusted the glasses that sat on his face, and he tugged at his suit jacket. It rolled his neck, and generally acted as if he was going to a job interview. He didn't even notice the gazes that were fixed on him as he entered the Town Hall.

Mayor Mare considered retiring. Seriously. Ever since Princess Twilight Sparkle got her castle-from-a-box, a lot of local functions and concerns now were adressed though the Princess, not the Mayor, leaving her with little in the way of responsibilities. Which means that there was little to do in the office nowadays. She didn’t mind the lack of workload, and especially didn't mind the lack of deduction in her pay, but the monotony of the workless days was getting to her.

She was getting to that age, anyhow. Perhaps she should retire. Leave the public life and get herself to some nice, quiet place of Equestria to finally work on her memoirs...

Her funk was broken by the appearance of someone in the Town Hall. She looked up from her secretary’s desk and saw the visitor that had caused the commotion outside. Her mood brightened significantly. Finally, the Tuesday event happened to her instead of the town heroes.

The suited creature opened his mouth to say something, but he was cut off by her shouting, “Finally! The weird Tuesday thing happens. I was worried it was going to be a dragon again, but it’s just something in a suit! How can I help you?!”

“Um...” The creature started to say, but Mayor Mare cut him off again.

“No no no, this won’t do at all. My apologies. I am Mayor Mare. What’s your name?”

The bipedal creature took a seat in front of Mayor Mare and made himself as comfortable as he could, given that these seats were tiny. The Mayor extended her hoof.

“Oh. I’m Tyrannosaurus Tux.”

Tyrannosaurus Tux grasped her hoof and shook it. After releasing her hoof, Mayor Mare asked, “What manner of creature are you? I’ve never seen your kind before.”

Tux said with a chuckle, “I’m not surprised. We’re called humans. We’re new to these lands.”

Regarding him with a winning smile, Mayor Mare asked, “Well, Tux, what brings you to our little village?”

“ I’m here to purchase a lot on the perimeter of town. Me and the guys are planning to retire.”

“Oh, wonderful! We’re always eager to see more new faces in town! Just let me get the requisite paperwork.”

“What?”

2 Hours Later...

“...here, here, here, here, and here.”

Both Tux and the Mayor were leaning over a myriad of important documents. They were finalizing the agreements, reviewing rights and rules of the property owners, letting Tux know about taxation levels, all those landowner association intricacies. Tux noted bitterly that this was probably the reason he was ‘honored’ to go get the land needed for their purposes. He pointed at another ‘Sign here’ segment.

“What about here?”

“Oh, that’s for me to sign.”

Mayor Mare then took a quill then signed her name in the space.

“Oh, okay.”

“And...”

The sound of shuffling papers filled the office. Then Mayor Mare gave a sigh of relief, and handed to Tux a freshly minted deed to property.

“There we have it! You are now the proud owner of one of the lots bordering Ponyville! Would you like to get a list of construction contractors you can hire?”

Tux shook his head and said, “No, we’re thinking of doing the construction ourselves.”

That meant less paperwork, and so Mayor Mare was glad. She then asked, “Now there is the issue of payment, still.”

Tux reached into his jacket pocket and withdrew a diamond in the shape of a twinkling star the size of his face and set it on the table. Mayor Mare gawked at it.

“Well, now.” She said. “W-where did you get thi-”

Tux was already gone.

Twilight Sparkle was walking up the dirt path that led to the newly purchased plot of land on the outskirts of Ponyville. She’d heard about the strange new arrivals earlier in the day, but by the time she’d gotten her friends together and went to investigate; the odd machine was gone. So, they went to the new domicile directly.

“What do you think they are?” asked Rainbow Dash as she hovered over the rest of them. The six friends were still far enough from the location of the new arrivals that they couldn’t quite see what was going on, but they could hear it well enough. It sounded like a party.

“I’m not quite-”

“Oh! Are they aliens?!” Pinkie asked with a gasp. “Do you think they’d want a welcome party?!” She turned to face the source of the sounds. “Are they having a party right now?!”

“Pinkie-”

A loud bang interrupted Twilight Sparkle, and the sound came from the lot. The loud sound was following by loud ‘oooh’-ing sounds and the loud laughter of amused partygoers.

“What in tarnation was that?!” Applejack asked.

“It sounded like-” Twilight began, but Rainbow cut her off.

“Sounds like they’re having... a blast! Come on!” she said, and dashed forth in the direction of the sound. Twilight started to protest but the rest of them had already begun to leave, with Pinkie at the front. Only Fluttershy remained.

“Um...” Fluttershy said.

“I know, Fluttershy. I know.” Twilight sighed and started walking after the others. “Let’s just catch up before they do anything rash.”

The path was mostly then silent except for the sound of crunching gravel under the hooves of the ponies traveling to this... retirement home.

“Hey, Twilight.” Rainbow said. “I heard from the mayor that these guys are looking to retire. Do you think these travellers are just some old rich guys who want to settle down in a quiet town?”

Twilight suppressed a giggle, then said, “If they’ve come for peace and quiet, they should’ve looked somewhere else.”

“No kidding. This place has got lots of interesting things going on. Come to think of it, all these exciting events have started happening since you came to Ponyville, Twilight.” Rainbow Dash observed.

Twilight gave Rainbow Dash a funny look. “I thought Ponyville was always this way.”

“Nope.”

Twilight’s face fell, then she got a determined look.

“Well, I’ll have to see why that is.”

Rainbow Dash rubbed the top of Twilight Sparkle’s head and said, “Aww, don’t worry, Twilight. If all this stuff happening was your fault, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Twilight smiled and said “Thanks, Rainbow. Now let’s go see these new neighbors.”

Twilight Sparkle stood outside a huge mansion. She was confused. She’d been to the place before, and just this morning it was open plain hilltop with grass. Now the largest house in Ponyville stood before her. It had marble pillars, great oaken roofing, and an expansive deck.

“What? How is this-” Twilight began to say, but Pinkie let out a gasp of absolute astonishment.

“I was right! They were having a party!” she said, and before anyone could do anything else, she was already halfway inside the mansion; rushing into it at a terrible speed.

“Pinkie!” Twilight called out, but she was already far gone. “Okay, girls. We need to-”

“Wait up, Pinkie!” Rainbow shouted and rushed in after her; leaving Twilight’s mane a mess, which frustrated her greatly. Rarity placed a hoof on her back and sighed knowingly. She reached back into a saddlebag she carried and pulled out a brush. She gave it to Twilight.

“You’ll need this more than me, dear,” she said, and headed into the mansion.

Twilight quickly re-did her mane and then put away the hairbrush, making a mental note

to return the brush as soon as she could. She then went inside.

It was a circular area with the kitchen/bar in one corner, and with lounging chairs throughout the room, with a few strange trinkets and decorations about, such as a 100’’ black screened surface built into one of the walls, and the random trophies of strange-looking weapons and kit, as well as framed pictures or random and even alien landscapes, with varying colors of the land, flora, fauna, and even skies.

She noticed that the ponies were all greeted heartedly by all the strange new people, with mixed reactions. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie immediately joined the festivities, with Rarity and Applejack hesitantly following. Twilight Sparkle noticed Fluttershy shyly looking over the room and its occupants and so just joined her on the two-seated couch to people watch. She then listened to a song some jovial fellows were making, which spread fast.

“

What do you do with a drunken spaceman

What do you do with a drunken spaceman

What do you do with a drunken spaceman

Early in the morning?

Let ‘im get by a swarm o rippers

Let ‘im get by a swarm o rippers

Let ‘im get by a swarm o rippers

Early in the morning.

Put ‘im in a redshirt and watch him shiver

Put ‘im in a redshirt and watch him shiver

Put ‘im in a redshirt and watch him shiver

Early in the morning.”

As the shanty progressed, Twilight can’t help but join in.

“Ooooh

What do you do with a drunken spaceman

What do you do with a drunken spaceman

What do you do with a drunken spaceman

Early in the morning?

Chuck ‘im in the airlock till he’s sober

Chuck ‘im in the airlock till he’s sober

Chuck ‘im in the airlock till he’s sober

Early in the morning.

Shave his chin with a sonic razor

Shave his chin with a sonic razor

Shave his chin with a sonic razor

Early in the morning.”

As the verses to this adapted shanty got odder and odder, Twilight couldn’t help but think

“What are these things?”

Chapter 1: Arrgh!

Did they ever stoppartying?

Twilight had decided to follow up to see just what these creatures were all about, but it seemed that the party that began yesterday didn’t quite end yet. The rather plain furnitures and colors on the walls had changed, as if they took a break in singing and dancing only to take all the couches and tables out, and replace it with stacked golden bricks to serve as chairs and couches. They also spilled golden coins and trinkets of all sorts and varieties. They weren’t bits that Twilight recognized at all, and she saw many varying kinds of coinage, including even coins that were rectangular, as opposed to circular, and they had strange scripts on them.

She went to ask about the coinage when she noticed the humans’ collective change of dress. They all dressed in leather pants and loose cotton tops, and on top of that, they all collectively wore long coats reminiscent of... pirates. She now understood. These humans were retiring now that their gold lust has been sated.

‘And how’, she thought as she nearly slipped on the floor, almost entirely covered in coins. They were drinking from tall tankards, actually slipped on the coins from time to time, and sang something very loudly. She noticed that, in the center, sat Tux, on a raised throne of gold. He drank from a golden goblet, and had a large tricorne hat whose size was unparallelled with all the other hats in the room. Tux noticed her, and shouted, “Avast, Princess! What be ye doin here? Here to interview us, have ye?”

“Y-Yes, if that’s not too much trouble.” Twilight said. She made a note to be careful around these guys.

“Well, I’m not going to give you a good an answer to any of yer questions as much as Red is. He decided that being a pirate was too much and is in the study over yonder.” Tux then pointed at a door in the back that was open.

“T-Thank you.” Twilight then proceeded past Tux’s throne and ventured into the hallway beyond the front door, exiting the open-air courtyard. She found the study door open, and ventured inside before closing the door to cut off the noise from the party that never ended. Inside, she found simple comfy chairs, one of which Red sat on, reading a book off of one of the shelves. The walls were painted blue with white patterns, which was illuminated by the light coming in through the windows, as well as a few fancy electric lights that Twilight doesn’t see often.

Red looked up from his novel and noticed Twilight. “Not much of a fan of the whole pirate thing, I take it?”

When Twilight nodded, Red set his book down and gestured to a nearby chair. Twilight got into it, noting the softness of the cushion and the fabrics. “Are you really all pirates?” Twilight asked.

Sighing deeply, Red told Twilight, “We were pirates for a time. I didn’t like it one bit, but I guess that was better than the alternative. It was fun, actually, and that’s an interesting story...”

The Human Adventuring Ship (Known by many names, but this was the most agreed on) was an interesting ship. Externally, she appeared to be a Mercury-type Battlestar with a custom paintjob, but were one to look inside of this modified Battlestar, one would see that the truth of the situation was that the interior of this starship could not be any more different than one you would see in a combat ship of the Colonial Fleet.

The interior of this thing looked more like a cruiseliner than a spartan interior. Fancy floors, antique and beautiful works of art displayed wherever possible, and the softest beds on this side of the multiverse. It was all possible to a freak accident and the dreams, blood, sweat, and tears of over 1,700 people.

Now, it’s multiversal jump drive took it to the Star Wars universe to further the riches of the Human Adventurers. Ranger’s turn to be captain had already come and passed--

“What?”

“It was agreed that on every new adventure, a new captain is voted.”

“Why’d you do that instead of a full-time captain?”

“It... seemed like a good idea at the time, but it didn’t blow up in our faces too spectacularly.”

Anyway, it was generally decided that Tux was to be the Captain of the H.A.S. for whatever we were to do, and...

“Wait, so he decided to go on a pirate adventure?”

Another deep breath from Red.

“Sorry.”

Red gave out a noiseless sigh before he said, “but yes, that’s what he wanted to do. You see, in this galaxy, there existed an evil galactic empire, one that subjugated and itself stole from its people. Tux saw the opportunity for glory and loot. Normally, we would negotiate for what we could, get technology wise and the like. But Tux, our oh so grand captain, had better ideas...”

“You’d think that I’d be the one to advocate diplomacy here, didn’t you?” Tux said and smirked. He and I were standing on the bridge, modeled after the Enterprise D, with added creature comforts of course. Other crewmembers were at their stations, waiting for the resolution for this discussion.

“Well, I mean-” I started to say before Tux cut me off by saying, “As much as I like the ships that come from Kuat and the general technology of this universe, the Galactic Empire is still an evil entity that would only negotiate with us as far as we can be of service to them. We’d end up agreeing to find and exterminate some rabble or something. No, that’s not what we’re going to do.”

He pulled out a tricorne and put it on, while grinning a broader and broader smile. He finally said, “We’re going to do what we want because a pirate is free~”

As I facepalmed, the rest of the bridge broke into laughter and that same song they’d been singing in that courtyard.

Red leaned forward, his face in his hands. He took his head out of his hands long enough to look at Twilight, who leaned in to meet Red’s eyes. With another sigh, Red put his face back into his hands.

After that, we raided all sorts of shady places, including other pirate establishments, such as Nal Hutta--Hutts mostly bleed fat, by the way, It’s so they don’t have to bleed blood right away--and the like. What we got from those fatsos was no small meal for an aspiring pirate, but bigger portions were still to come.

“Ready?”

“Are you mad?”

Tux laughed heartedly, and got into my face.

“Yes.”

“We’re not raiding the Imperial Palace!”

“It’s not inside the Imperial Palace that we’re after, but under.”

“How are we supposed to get in there? Our teleporters have been on the fritz ever since we stole that Mandalorian armory, with the Mandalorians inside!”

“That was glorious. Anyway, will our teleporters be working by the time we reach Coruscant?”

I popped my jaw and then thought a bit.

“They should be, yeah.”

“Good. Those will be instrumental to my plans.”

I grimaced, then asked, “Well, what’s the plan?”

Tux brought out a modified holographic display, and it showed a slightly modified drop pod. I looked at it, noticed the now streamlined design and reinforced hull, as well as a few structural integrity systems.

“Wait...”

“We’re not going to be droppingthis into the imperial vault.”

“You can’t just--”

“Human cannonball?”

As Tux broadly smiled at me, I simply stared back, fully hoping that Tux would realize the insanity of his plan. When Tux’s grin didn’t falter, I rubbed the sides of his head.

“Is this going to work?”

“The simulations say yes.”

“Did you run them a thousand times?”

“Ten thousand times. There was a 33% chance of spectacular failure, but those are worst-case scenarios.”

“You can’t be serious.” Twilight said, slightly slack-jawed.

Throwing up his arms, Red leaned back into his seat and exasperatedly said, “I know! Normally, he’d be the guy to say no to such a ridiculous plan, but if I didn’t know that the guy swore off alcohol now and forever, I’d say that he was drunk!”

Then a thought struck Red like an earth-shattering revelation. He put his chin on his hands and rested his elbows on his knees, striking quite a contemplative pose while he said, “Well, the way the other guys like to prank him sometimes, he might actually have been drunk. I’ll have to look into that later.”

Thankfully, I didn’t sign up to go on that mad mission, only opting instead to keep working on the teleporter system for ‘Captain Tux’ and his insane plan.

See, his plan was that he’d fire the drop pods out of the front spinal railguns, smash through the Imperial Palace, crash through to the vaults, and tag everything inside so when the time was right, everything valuable in the vault would disappear in a flash of light. While I understood the theatrics that Tux intended to include his plan, I didn’t really appreciate it as much. The same objective could’ve been achieved with a simple deep scan and then just teleporting it into our cargo bays, where we could dismantle any automated defenses and subdue any guards that remained to be shipped planetside at earliest convenience. Still, I had to give them some credit. The plan was indeed awesome.

“Oh, would you like to see footage of it?”

Twilight looked Red in the eyes and considered the possibility of what he was saying. “Footage? You’ve filmed this?”

Red nodded with a small smile. “Our advances allow us to fit cameras into almost anything we wish, including armor. We have helmet-cams installed on all our armor systems, as to give us a real-time view of the battlefield and to coordinate with each other using live encrypted data streams. We call it Land Warrior, after the United States Army project of the same name. But that’s not important.”

Red thought for a moment then said, “Wait, no, I’d better not. There’s quite a bit of... violence.”

Twilight cringed. “Yeah, that’s for the best.”

“Hmm, how about the cliff notes version then?”

So, the eight pods were simultaneously launched out of the railguns successfully, which meant that not only did they survive the launching process, but they stayed intact all the way through the Imperial Palace, collapsing it in the process, and into the vaults themselves. Almost immediately, our feeds turned red and black as many hapless combat automatons and guards were slain in the thick of battle, with no casualties to speak of on our side.

You see, we had done nothing less than perfected close-in fighting. First out of the assault pods were the coined ‘Bulldozers’, who wore heavy plated armor, reminiscent of bomb suits--I’ll explain those later. Their blasters bounced off our shielded, reinforced armor, while our steel-core bullets found their marks into and through those Stormtrooper’s shoddy plastic ceramic armor. It’s also interesting to note that for this adventure, the Bulldozers wore oversized long-coats and pirate hats on top of their armor. I can’t agree with the practicality of such a getup, but I can agree that it makes them scarier, especially with the black face-masks with skulls painted on them.

“That... certainly does sound ferocious.”

“That was the intention, yes.”

 “The party’s gotten better, maties!”

Indeed, new arrivals did arrive, heralded by drilling machines that came through the roof to deposit these scarlet-robed Imperial Guards into the fray. They fell from the ceiling in a mirage of bright, red-blood colors with their robes flapping in the dusty wind; their dramatic entrance created.. On their heads they wore helmets that ran down to their shoulders, with a slit for the visor; they stood as stoic, implacable sentinels with battle in their minds. They brandished lightsabers, which threatened to cut through our boarding party.

Unfortunately, they underestimated our firepower. As is the case with a few of the boarders it was literal fire power, courtesy of our expedition into Mandalorian territory. They didn’t stand a chance. I can still remember the laughter of the boarders as they burned the poor bastards in their armor, causing them to scream before the end. They then had their singed lightsabers stolen. After that, the last of the valuable things was tagged, and they, the pods, and the loot was all aboard. We engaged the jump drive and then waited for the news stories to flicker in. It included snapshots of us and our ship, and a huge bounty on our heads. We were long on our way somewhere else, though.

Twilight looked at the general sound of the party.

“Wow. So the coins on the floor in there...?”

Nodding, Red said, “All from boarding actions and raids. There’s a lot of different coinage from that place.”

“These guys really loved it, h-huh?” Twilight asked with a nervous smile, which caused Red to groan.

"I know we did some bad things, but you gotta understand that it was for the greater good. Yes, we stole. But it was from a government who itself enslaves and steals and murders. That way, we helped that galaxy's denizens out a lot, since a lot of their resources are ours now. It helps that half the loot went into funding the Rebel Alliance, which will overcome the Empire, and restore peace to the galaxy."

Twilight stared. She was really starting to get nervous about these guys until she heard him mention that. Sure, what these humans did was wrong, but wasn't her blasting in the face of many a changeling at the Canterlot wedding so wrong as well? Where did one draw that line? Is it different for other races, or is it something universal? She was pondering this when Red said, "Okay, it was a little fun being a pirate, other than that."

Twilight giggled, and thought about how she really related to him. He seemed to be the most level-headed man in this group of madmen. He seemed to take everyone’s shenanigans in stride, and becomes more respected because of it. Or perhaps not. Just like Twilight. It was good to know that there are some constants in the universe, even in different dimensions. It helps that he was the least violent out of all of them.

 As she walked home from her encounter, she pondered on what else these humans could have been up to before retiring from their adventures here.

She also wondered why her heart was slightly aflutter.