Or, The Hnnng heard round the world.
George Bush Invades Equestria
By Krass McWriter
I don't think I can get in trouble for bashing an expresident...
"The world was watching as President George Bush declared that America would be invading Equestria on suspicions of harboring and developing large quantities of WCs, or Weaponized Cuteness. The declaration was in response to when earlier this year when a pony named Fluttershy cried on national television and shared pictures of her as a filly. Thousands of hearts gave out as the D'awww factor, a measurement of cuteness, surpassed the lethality level and soared well into the nine thousands."
-_-_-_-_-
"My fellow Americans, two months ago our neighboring nation of Equestria demonstated that they have and are willing to deploy weaponized cuteness resulting in the largest loss of American life in recorded history. We have tried contacting their heads of state on this matter to avail. We will have justice, those who lost their lives will not be in vain."
-_-_-_-_-
"Princess Celestia, what are your thoughts on Americas invasion to find and eliminate any and all cuteness weapon systems?"
"Weaponized Cuteness? Surely you jest."
"What about the thousands of heart attacks when Fluttershy, a pony you are familiar with, shared pictures from her fillyhood?"
"... No comment."
-_-_-_-_-
"Get on the fifty cal Sluder! Johnsons, you two hold that line! Where's Gerber?!"
"He's dead sergeant!"
"Dead?! The fuck happened?!"
"A colt asked him if he wanted a lollipop!"
"Sweet fucking jesus!"
"He was dressed as pirate and a British accent and everything!"
"MOTHER. OF. GOD. Wheres my damn machine gun?! Sluder, what in the fuck?!"
"I cant 't pull the trigger, they're too damn cu- Hnnng!"
"FUCK! We lost Sluder!"
They're wearing SOCKS! Avert your eyes!"
-_-_-_-_-
"The initial force took heavy causalities today as they dropped into a school for young fillies and colts. The few survivors have been diagnosed with diabetes and sent home. Sir, what was it like on the initial push?"
"T-there were socks everywhere... Fillies preening... Playing tag. I-it was too adorable."
"Tragic. In related news, the armed forces is changing the criteria taught in training to help boost tolerance to high d'awww levels."
"Alright joes, today you're going to look at pictures of little fillies wearing socks preening each other. We have medics on standby with insulin and a defibrillator just in case."
" You lot are going to watch videos of progressively cute things, starting at a mother cat taking care of her newborn kittens and moving up to picture of Princess Luna as a foal with a sock on her head."
"As you can see, the training is grueling but nonetheless necessary if there is to be any hope of removing the cute weapons from Equestria."
-_-_-_-_-
"Thank you. Thank you all so very much.
"Admiral Keith, Captain Picard, officers and sailors of the USS Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer. My fellow Americans, major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Equestria, the United States and our allies have prevailed.
"And now our coalition is engaged in securing that country.
"In this battle, we have fought for the cause of hamburgers and for the diabetics of the world. Our nation and our coalition are proud of this accomplishment, yet it is you, the members of the United States military, who achieved it. Your courage, your willingness to face diabetes inducing adorableness for your country and for each other made this day possible.
"Operation Princess Woona was carried out with a combination of precision and speed and boldness the enemy did not expect and the world had not seen before.
"Marines and soldiers charged to Equestria across 200 meters of hostile ground into a land of where the d'awww factor soars well above the healthy rate. You have shown the world the skill and the might of the American armed forces.
"Now Imma go get a cheeseburger, you're all dismissed or whatever."
-_-_-_-_-
"This just in, our President is an idiot."
-_-_-_-_-
"The conflict in Equestria came to an end today when President Bush and Princess Celestia signed a treaty to avoid the release of a collection of photo albums portraying the youths of Equestria. Sources say it contains pictures of preening, 'noming', playing with beach balls, and hugging clouds amongst other things. The negotiation originally just called for a cease fire, but President Bush offered Hawaii to them in exchange for a pony back ride on Rainbow Dash. Celestia declined the offer. However, Rainbow Dash drew up a personal agreement with the President and is now Queen Awesome of Super Cool and Totally Radical Islands, formerly Hawaii. The despondent refugees are now stinking up Mexico and souther California
"The agreement reached limits any individual pony's d'awww factor may not exceed that of a fluffy kitten attacking a laser pointer. In return, America would make a vegetarian bacon that tastes like actual bacon and that Daniel Tosh is no longer classified as a comedian.
"There is much celebration in the streets, because people love having a reason to drink, it makes them feel like they aren't alcoholics. Lets ask a passerby what he thinks. Sir, what are your opinions on the end of the war?"
"Holy shit, I'm on tv yo! Man, I think its like cool and shit that the war ended dawg."
"Well there you have it. The war lasted three weeks, claiming six hundred and ninety three US Soldiers and Marines. There will be a memorial erected next month in memory of those lost. We will remember their sacrifice for freedom, justice, liberty and vegetarian bacon."
*-_-_-_-_-* AUTHOR'S NOTES *-_-_-_-_-*
This is without a doubt THE SINGLE most RIDICULOUS IDEA I have ever had in my entire life yet acted upon it.
Fun fact: George bush's 2nd speech is a modified version of the actual Mission Accomplished speech.
Funner Fact: The Iraq war ended nine years after and pertains most of the causalities.
I am an Infantryman in the US Army.
