The Good, the Bad, and Muffins

by Manes

Rating: everyone
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, Breezies, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 9206

Have you ever wondered if hearing voices in your head makes you crazy -- whether they tell you to do good deeds or bad deeds? Well then you're right to think you're crazy. Derpy on the other hoof...

Only crazy ponies hear voices inside their heads, telling them to do good or bad things. Derpy is not crazy.

Her voices come from a pair of little breezies she likes to call Red and White, who sit on her shoulders and offer advice about her life. Just because nopony else can see them, doesn't mean she's crazy.

That's perfectly sane. Right?

Wonderful art done by The Exotic Natasha, check her out!

Thanks to these wonderful people who had to deal with my constant changes:Striving Scholar, Savoured Thoughts, Georg and Sandcroft.

Published 2016-05-20 00:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-20 00:30:02 UTC

Chapter one: Always Leave A Tip

A dog stared at the wallet lazily hanging in the back pocket of his pony owner’s jeans. Its brown, thick leather set a sparkle shining in his eyes. It looked like it would feel soft when he grabbed it, but that wasn’t what got his attention. It was the bits sitting in the bottom, making it look so big it could burst. It was just there for the taking. He was so busy chatting with his pony friends the mutt could take it and he wouldn’t even notice!

He could do so much with the money. The thought was powerful enough to create a miniature version of himself, wearing a red dress and carrying a pitchfork. “Yeah go, ahead. You’ve earned it, champ!”

The mutt couldn’t explain it, but he was sucked in the little devil’s influence. Like every word it spoke, his ears would always listen. “Well alright!” the dog exclaimed. As he reached his paw for the wallet, another version of himself puffed up on his left shoulder. This one wore a white robe and had a halo hovering above his head.

“Don’t do listen to that guy, he’s nuts!” the angel shouted. Unlike the devil, this one was more kinder, the mount could feel like he could make a choice without pressure. This one had a motherly tone that inspired the dog to wanna do good just for the sake of it.

The little devil chuckled. “Says the guy who wears a dress.”

“It’s a robe!”

Not many ponies could relate to a protagonist who’s got shoulder angels because that’s “borderline crazy” or “just plain stupid”, but she disagree.

“I take it you enjoyed your meal ma’dam?” Derpy yanked her head from the newspaper in time to see a handsome stallion wearing a black vest with a long white shirt overneath it. He held a tray in one hoof while standing on the other.

Such impressive skills, wow.

“Yeah, it was delicious. Commentary to the chef,” Derpy said with a giggle.

“I’ll be sure to let him know,” he said.”Your bill.” He levitated her a white piece of paper while taking her plate. “Have a nice day.”

Derpy grabbed it and looked at her bill. She was surprised the bill reached to only ten bits.She looked up to see the stallion had moved to another table. She checked her puny bag of bits on the table. Maybe I should tip the waiter for a job well done.

“Stop right there! Don’t give him a tip!” cried a faint voice. “Think of the ton of ice cream we could get!”

Derpy licked her lips. “I do like ice cream.” She frowned. “But it doesn’t feel right.”

“Yes, follow that feeling, Derpy,” countered another voice, but this one had a more sweet and motherly tone. “I think you should give him the tip. What if he holds some type of grudge against you?”

A chuckle echoed in her ears. “For not ‘giving him the tip’? Are you serious right now?”

While the other voice was laughing, the motherly one continued. “If you don’t wanna do it, Derpy. You don’t have to, but I think you’ll feel happy you did later on.”

Derpy hummed.“You think so?”

“Pfft, that was really funny!” A tiny insect hovered close to her ear. However, if looked at closely, it became clear that instead it was a tiny version of a mare the size of an insect. It was not terribly hard to miss as the tiny mare had a hot red colored coat, a dark red mane, and her ears were pointed like sharp knives. True to her colors, her name was Red. “Jerks don’t get tips for being jerks to everypony, you know? If that were the case, I would be so rich right now!”

The mailmare giggled behind her hoof. “Can’t argue there…”

“Oh ha ha, very funny, cross-eyes,” Red said.

“Hey, my eyes aren’t crossed! I just look at my muzzle more than others!” Derpy shouted. Just to prove her point, she concentrated and uncrossed her eyes. “See!”

Hearing a commotion behind her, Derpy turned around just in time to see another waiter who had spilled a drink on her waiter's starched white shirt. The stallion shouted and yelled unspeakable slurs at his fellow co worker before storming off.

Red chuckled. “Jeez, who whizzed in his cereal?”

Another tiny mare hovered over Derpy’s shoulder. This one was coated in a heavenly white color, reflecting the sun’s light. However, this one was slightly larger than her counterpart. Her mane was a pure blond just like Derpy’s. She was called White. “Derpy, I think you should give him the tip. Maybe he’s having a bad day and—”

“‘Maybe he’s having a bad day,’” Red echoed in a mocking tone. “‘Hey I’m White, I’m a sweet wittle angel who has a very kind heart and I fart out rainbows!’”

White gasped before shouting,“Hey, I do not sound like that! And I don’t fart out rainbows!”

“‘Hey, I don’t wound like that!’” Red stuck out her tongue.

White growled as fire burned in her eyes. “That’s it!’

Red threw her hooves wide and puffed her chest out. “Bring it, sista!”

Derpy’s two little friends having a slap battle was new. Both of them blindly threw slaps at each other like two little fillies arguing over a toy. Their incessant whining and the sound of their hooves smacking against each other’s cheeks sounded like tiny bodies slapping against each other.

“Stop it!” Red grunted.

White growled. “You first!”

“No, you!”

Derpy’s mind was stuck between the two, and that always left her with a pounding headache. She rubbed her forehead and groaned. ”I swear I’ll murder you both! I won’t feel bad either!”

Both stopped.

“She started it,” Red said, rubbing her foreleg.

White threw Red a nasty glare.

The waiter came back with his mane looking like it had been run through a fan with red tomato stains were all over his formerly white shirt. He brushed his hair back and looked down to see the lonely bill sitting on the table. “I’ve been gone for at least five minutes and you still have not paid your bill?”

She blushed as the stallion shook his head and sighed. ‘Sorry, just a moment,” she said as she bent over and grabbed bits from her bag. “Here you go!” Her eyes widened when her hoof brushed against the side of her cup accidently, tilting it over. The stallion’s eyes slowly opened as the juice spilled onto his uniform. The mailmare suddenly found the stallion’s face uncomfortably close to hers as it turned red as a cherry. “That’s it! I’m tired of idiots like you spilling drinks on me!”

Derpy looked around as eyes were planted on her. There was a cough in the background. She lowered her head as she knew the stallion wasn’t finished. “I bet you weren’t even going to leave a tip! Because you’re too broke and stupid to leave one tiny bit for a hard working pony!”

The wall-eyed mare’s frown matched the stallion's as they glared at each other.

“Yes, do it, young apprentice,” Red said in a raspy and cracked voice. “Join thetotally boss side.”

White appeared in a puff of cloud as she pushed Red away. “No, don’t listen to—!” Her words became muffled as Red covered her mouth with a hoof while hovering behind her.

Derpy replaced her frown with a smirk and reached into her bag as she took out enough bits for the bill, handing them over towards the waiter’s empty hoof. “Here you go.”

Then dropped the bits right in front of his face—like a boss.

She didn’t even need to look at his face to tell he was furious. Her mind was elsewhere, too busy imaging a big explosion behind her as she walked away.

“That’s what I’m talking about! You go girl!” Red cleared her throat and adapted a frown on her face, mimicking the waiter. “‘Ma’am, you haven’t paid your bills yet? I have very important butler things to do.’” She blew a raspberry as she tried to contain her laughter. “And you was all like, ‘Bill? I got your bill right here!’” she said as she pointed to…

Tick!

She looked up the clocktower as the hand landed on twelve. “Well, time to resume some back-breaking, wing-spraining job of mine.”

“You talking about being a mailmare? Because you could blow that off and blow something else off if you know what I—”

“I swear, Red. I’ll find some pills that deal with this kind of thing and murder you!” Derpy’s face brightened up and her wings fluttered as Red shut her mouth.

Then Red started snickering.

Derpy arched an eyebrow. “What’s so funny?”

“Murder me, murder White too!” Red shouted gleefully.

White gasped. “Hey that’s not—”

“Aaaaaah!”

“You hear that?” Red and White asked in mutual harmony.

Derpy looked at the clock and gasped at the sight. “Oh my gosh, I’m late!” she shouted as her wings sprang out and launched her into the air.

Crrraaaash!

She looked down where the waiters laid on a broken cart of oranges, knocking them onto the floor. “You okay?” she shouted.

He groaned a faint “yeah.” Probably.

Derpy bit her lip and looked back. It looked like the stallion was getting up… just to fall back down. “Should I go back and help him?”

“Nah.”

She was about to protest, but decided instead to continue flying in silence.

Red clung onto Derpy's ear with an unbreakable grip, her tiny body flapping in the slipstream of her host's rapid flight.Her cheeks flapped as the wind came rushing in, tears falling from her eyes. Her own screaming was muffled by the rushing wind in her eardrums. “I will not let a stinky mane being the last thing I smell!” She reached a hoof and grabbed the hair, heaving as she pulled herself up.

Only to fall back down. The comics made this looked so easy.

She closed her eyes as she repeated, “Don’t look down! Don’t look down!” She looked down. “Oh my breeze, why did I look down!” The ponies looked like ants scattered all over the place. Her eyes slowly gave into the temptation of passing out, but the wind prevented that as it smacked her in the face unrelentingly.

Red’s cheeks puffed up as she was about to release her breakfast, but she held onto it when she looked down and spotted White. The white breezie gripped her hooves on the strand of hair that twisted her body around.

“White!” Red shouted. Her counterpart clearly couldn’t hear her as she kept her head down. If she didn’t find some way to call her fellow breezie, then it could be certain death for her rival.

But… that meant that she could have Derpy all to herself. She could almost picture the throne she would sit upon with her devilish bottom. Derpy would sit by her side like a dog, bound by a leash Red had control of. And White would feed her grapes and comment how awesome she was.

White’s faint screaming broke her out of her daydream.

The idea was taken into consideration.

The touch of the wind was a relaxing sensation. Derpy looked down from above as she flew over Ponyville. Nopony seemed to be roaming around; no carriages, no royal guards making rounds or monsters attacking the town.

Only Derpy and the chirping crickets enjoyed the night.

The sight of her near-empty bag flapping around everywhere was a good reminder that she was on her last run. All the letters had been delivered to their rightful owners. She could fly through rain, snow, and even hail, but nothing would stop her from delivering the mail. Derpy slowed her flapping as she approached the ground near a small, square-shaped house situated near a few other houses. She landed on the sidewalk, only inches away from her friend’s house and walked towards it.

“Please don’t fly too fast again,” White said.

“Why? Can’t you two like ‘poof’ away or something!”

“We’re the kind that can feel death too!”

Red chuckled and whispered, “Next time, speed up.”

She knocked twice on the door before taking a step back. It wasn’t long ‘til she heard movements within. The door opened, and a mare stood before her, gazing at her with a smile. The mare was a unicorn with a brown coat that had a championship belt as a cutie mark. “Hey, Derpy!”

“Hey, Brash.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a small envelope. Brash took the mail and tore it up, her eyes darting back and forth.

Brash’s smile slowly turned into a frown as her eyes moved to the bottom of the letter. “Oh no.” Her ears drooped down. “This is not good.”

“Welp, I gotta run, see you next time!” She turned around and prepared to lance into the sky.

“Wait!”

She turned around hesitantly; Brash had a sheepish smile. She blushed and rubbed her foreleg. “Do you wanna... come inside? Maybe have a little friend-to-friend time?”

Derpy bit her tongue and held tightly onto her bag. “I still got mail to deliver.” Sweat beaded her head when the mare eyes looked down at where her bag weightless laid.

“It’s looks empty to me.” The mare moaned.“Come on, please, I need a friend right now.”

She pondered the idea of going inside her house. The pro was getting some rest time while the con was an awkward time with her friend during her work hours as a mailmare. “Run, Derpy, run!” Red shouted.

“Come on, Derpy,” White said. “Look at how sad she looks. It would do her wonders if you said yes.”

Derpy looked at the mare’s face. It was impossible to avoid Brash’s puppy eyes. She tried to look away, but the sheer adorability overwhelmed her. She sighed. “Fine.”

Brash clapped her hooves together as she giggled, or more like snorted like a pig. “Great, come on in!” She grabbed the mailmare by the forelegs and yanked her inside. Derpy’s eyes widened as she looked around the place. She was surprised Brash hadn’t filled the place with a whole family as the cottage was even wider on the inside than the outside.

The kitchen had a modern look to it with beige walls, and a colorful marble floor. A cylindrical light fixture hung above the ovular dining table. The mare tossed the ripped mail on the table as she walked to the fridge.

Derpy’s eyes couldn’t stop staring at the mail. She wondered what got Brash so suddenly concerned. A eviction note? Bills? A letter from mom? Oh the poor mare. She broke her train of thought when Brash slammed the door shut.

Derpy’s eyes came to rest on a group of gold medals hanging in the hall.“You like em? I got them for best female wrestler.”

“They’re nice,” Derpy said with a smile.

“I could show you some of my moves if you like?” The mare asked with a twitch in her eye.

“No!” Derpy blushed as she sat down after jumping up with her outburst. “I mean that don’t sound like my type of thing.”

Brash shrugged. “My husband loves my wrestling moves.”

“Oh I’m sure he does,” Red said in Derpy’s ear.

The mare’s smile fell when she sighed. “You’re probably wondering what was in the letter? I applied for a restaurant, but they declined due to ‘stay home wife’ not qualifying as having cooking experience.” she giggled. “I understand their decision. I’m certain they’ll find somepony better than me!”

Derpy jumped when a knife stabbed through the table. She looked up at Brash whose burning eyes returned to normal when her smile came back. “Well, anyway, I was feeling a little chefy so I made a little dish!” Brash giggled as she levitated three bowls onto the table. It had some tomatoes and that purple thing that looked like a pulp all sprinkled with cheese and ranch dressing.

It was a delicious sight to some ponies, but Derpy would ruin the sight with her vomit.

“Ugh, I don’t understand why ponies feel proud making a salad. It’s not that hard! That crossed eyes mare could do that!” Red shouted.

Derpy rolled her eyes.“Nice one.”

Brash smiled. “Thank you.”

“I wasn’t talking about you, I would have said crossed eyed mailmare… big difference.”

White groaned. “Red… don’t make me raise my hoof.”

Red remained silent.

The mailmare dug into her salad and hovered the fork over to her mouth, but stopped as she gave her friend a pleading puppy eyes look. However, Brash was too consumed over eating her salad so she showed no guilt over that huge smile.

The fork shook under her hoof and her mouth closed every time the food grew near. “Come on, Derpy don’t be rude. Just take one bite and then it’s over,” White said.

Derpy gagged and put the fork back when the smell went into her nose. Suddenly, the sound of a distant door slamming came to her rescue as Brash turned her attention to it. She rubbed any trace of the salad off her tongue and did silent spits to the side before Brash turned around.

Just like a giant, footsteps echoed through the house. It was slow and frightening. As if he was a villain using shadows as an effect, he then revealed his face as he walked out of the shadowy corners. Or rather limped. His white shirt was drenched with purple juice, ruffled up and unattended just like his mane.

“Chug-chug-chug-chung, nope! Nope! All aboard the nope train!” Red shouted.

“Oh no,” White said.

Brash gasped. “Oh my Celestia, are you okay? What happened?”

He kept his eyes on the mailmare as he said, “Something bad.”

“Oh my.” Brash kissed her husband and brushed his hoof. “Who did this to you? Some snot-nosed teenagers?” Her eyes became red as she growled through clenched teeth. “I swear they’re going to get a headlock if they keep missing with my baby!”

The little devil chuckled. “Jeez, she really loves her wrestling.”

“I can’t help but agree with Red… that scares me,” said the little angel.

“Aww, am I’m starting to grow on you?” replied Red.

The waiter gripped his wife and kissed her on the nose. “Calm down, okay baby?”

She smiled when he rubbed her on the back. “Okay…," she said with a giggle and turned to Derpy. "Sorry you had to see that. Old habits die hard!”

Derpy gulped.“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Brash gave her husband a kiss on the cheek.“Be right back, gotta use the fillies room!”

And she already dashed out of the room.

The stallion whirled around towards Derpy and snapped, "Thanks to you, I lost my job!”

Derpy blinked.“Wait, what did I do?”

“What you do? WHAT DID YOU DO!” His face turned red as he burst out, “You made me chase you, leaving the customers unattended! Then you made me damage that cart which I now gotta pay for!” He huffed. “Plus I think I broke a rib trying to strangle you!”

She held her hooves up as he growled at her like a vicious dog. “Uh, my bad?”

The stallion threw his head up and groaned. “Ugh!”

As if her wife senses were tingling, Brash’s head popped from the kitchen. “Is everything alright!”

“Uh, nothing babe. Just chatting!” When Brash disappeared back into the other room, he got in close to Derpy and bumped his forehead against her’s. ”I’m going to make you pay.”

White sighed. “Poor guy.”

“Poor guy? Poor guy’s got some issues,” Red whispered.

“Like you?” An audible smack clapped in Derpy’s ears. “Ow, Red!”

She felt like she could breath again after Brash had returned to the room. “Here you go, honey buns!” she exclaimed happily as she hoofed him a pair of washcloths.

The stallion blushed. “Honey, no sweetie names in front of our guest!”

Brash giggled. “Sorry, dear!” she said as she kissed her husband on the cheek before sitting down and digging into her food.

Trying not to show how nervous she was, Derpy jabbed the salad with her fork and took a big bite.

Those soft leaves crunched under each bite -- her chewing stopped. ‘It’s like I’m eating death.’ The smug grin on the stallion was a warning he would tell if she spit it out. “You like my wife’s salad? It’s filled with some good nutrients.”

Derpy almost disagree with puking right then and there. Her cheeks were ready to burst from how puffy they were. She looked at Brash with pleading eyes as a last resort, but Brash showed no remorse as she nodded for her to go on with that sick friendly grin.

The mailmare swallowed, shuddering as the food went down her throat. She exhaled, but puffed her cheeks as she almost vomited right then and there. She swallowed again and huffed. She rubbed her belly and smiled. “I’ma stop here and save the rest for later!”

The stallion, a tittering building up in his throat, took a sip of his drink before setting it down on the table. “Nonsense, enjoy it. You can take extra home,” he said as he put more salad into Derpy’s bowl.

Derpy’s eyes shot open in fear.

“Yep, he definitely has some issues!”

Brash giggled. “That’s a great idea!”

It was hard to not vomit right then and there, but years of speeding during runs proven helpful to holding the contents of her stomach down. “No, I think I’m good.”

Brash continued to be difficult as she levitated a huge wad of the tasteless leaves and moved it towards Derpy’s mouth. The way her eye twitched and how they never blinked unnerved Derpy. “Come on, just one bite.”

Derpy pictured her face turning green. It helped make dramatic how awful the salad was. “I think I ate enough, thanks.”

“Aww, we both know that’s a lie. I didn’t see you eat one bite!” Brash whined.

“Yeah Derpy, I didn’t even see you eat one either!” Red countered.

White groaned. “Red, shut up! Derpy, at least try one more bite. It’ll make her feel better.”

Three floating heads swarmed her vision. Red, Brash and the waiter all had frowns on their faces and eyebrows narrowed as they chanted, “Try some more, try some more, try some more!”

“Alright, I’m going to eat the salad!” Derpy shouted as she grabbed the bowl and started chomping into the leaves. She placed the bowl down, chewing as she stared angrily at the two. Her chewing slowed down in seconds as the tasteless leaves brushed against her tongue, rubbing its nasty taste for her to remember.

Derpy choked then coughed up what she had tried to swallow. “Ugh, I’m sorry! But I can’t eat this. I’m all for healthy food, but something’s wrong with this one. I’m sorry, Brash, but I can't…” Brash and the waiter had chewed up pieces of the salad glued to their faces. Some of the leaves didn’t quite stick and left a nasty trail of saliva as they slid off.

In the corner of her eye, White stared at the growling mare. “If you get up slowly, then you might…” Brash slammed her hooves on the table. “Never mind.”

“Let me show you why they banned me from wrestling!” Brash said as she launched herself at her.

Time slowed down as the mare flew over the table, hooves ready to wrap themselves around Derpy’s neck.

‘Wait… I’ve got something…’

“Aaaah!”

‘Something that’ll help me get out of this.’

“Aaaaah!”

I’m certainly winging this. I’m a real featherbrain when it comes to thinking. Jeez, I’m a real angel. Wow it’s like the answer flew over my head. I sure got a pair of—

“Aaaaah!”

Derpy’s senses snapped back to her when her body was lifted into the air. “Oh haha right!”

...by Brash’s strong forelegs. “I got wings.”

Red watched from the kitchen cabinet as Brash pinned Derpy to the ground on her stomach, holding her in a leg lock. Derpy’s neck held in a brown strong foreleg while her hind leg was held in Brash’s other foreleg, both being pulled on.

She swore Derpy’s neck was close to being torn off as the mare went at it. She was like an angry snake that had its victim held in a death grip.

It was exciting. Way better than the fake matches she saw.

She dug her hooves into the cereal box she had open and stuffed some into her mouth, bursting out laughing once in awhile when Derpy cried out to her mommy.

“Yeah, honey, give her one-to-three tap!” shouted the waiter. He jumped around them, cheering his wife on as she strangled Derpy’s foreleg.

“Ugh, what are your forelegs made out of!”

She turned to White who was staring at the floor. “Why aren’t you watching this amazing match with me? It’s way better than the fake stuff!”

She held her breath and then huffed. She looked at Red who for once, was all ears. “Do you ever think about wanting to go back?”

She waved a hoof as she scoffed. “Not in million years. We don’t have to listen to that pink headed jerk ever again!” A grin spread across her face. “Plus, I’m loving this pony's language! Our language was like it’s confused or something!”

“It’s not confused. It’s—”

“My leg, I think it tore off! C-c-can you stop for a second and check on my—aaaaah!”

Red slapped her hind leg as she burst out laughing. “Oh man, you can tell this isn’t scripted!” She stopped when White glared at her.

“You’re not taking anything I’m saying seriously! You never do. Not here, and not back at—”

White shut her mouth when pieces of salad sprayed her muzzle. Red opened her mouth and rubbed her tongue with her hooves as she spat. Red looked at her friend and starting chuckling. On a roll, she fell over and burst out laughing.

White groaned. She wiped the stuff from her face and walked off into the dark corners of the cabinet.

Everypony in the neighborhood could hear the shrieks of the mailmare. “Aaaaah! You seem so nice, but you’re really just messed up! Why do I deliver mail to you crazy ponies!”

Author's Note

Red: Why..didn't you...DOOOOODGE! *Blegh*

I hope you enjoyed the chapter! If not, please comment why! Don't be shy now!

Thanks to helpful stead, Striving Scholar, Savoured Thoughts, Georg and Sandcroft for their hard work and dealing with my annoying a---wait, can't say that in a E rated story. Anyway, thanks for reading!

Chapter two: Community 4 Life

Knock, knock!

Derpy grabbed the a pillow and placed it on her head. She let groaned when the knock kept pounding in her head. She almost got up until a shooting pain in her foreleg pushed her back on the couch. Ugh, I’m never saying yes to dinner with friends. The knock rang again, reminding her to stop being a baby and answer the door.

She grunted at her weight being put onto her sore forelegs. If Brash hadn’t wrestled her, she wouldn’t have to limp towards the door, keeping the impatient pony waiting.

A flash of light greeted her in the eyes when the door opened. She groaned and shielded her eyes from the sun.

A group of ponies stood her outside the door. All of them had a blue shirt on that had we the ponies written in white font. They had this creepy, yet friendly vibe to them with smiles that looked forced and never blinking eyes.

Which made them staring at her awfully more uncomfortable.

“Hello, friend!”The cheery greeting came from an earth pony, who seemed like the ringleader because of her round body, strong forelegs, and bushy eyebrows. The others were no match for her as their bodies were slim with weak forelegs. This mare looked like she couldn’t take rejection so there was no choice but to sign something about a cause or whatever. “I’m Swirlberry!”

From experience, rejecting a hefty pony could not end well. Her aching bones were evidence to that. “We are so glad you choose to help the community after another devastating tragedy has struck Ponyville! Those ponies are left without a home because of that nasty bugbear!”

The headache pounding and the ponies knocking on her door? It was to early for this. “I’m sorry, but I don't remember joining some community thing. You must have me confused with another Hooves.”

Swirlberry turned to her posse and started laughing. At first, they shifted glances and mumbled, but like a couple of dim witted goons, they all broke out into laughter. Some looked like they didn’t want to, but did it anyway not to feel left out. “Oh, I can tell we’re going to have fun, but you did sign the paper, silly!” As if her words weren’t evidence enough, the mare yanked out a paper and shoved it in the mailmare's face.

Not really, she just moved it so close to her face it seemed that way.

Yada, yada, yada, community service. Yada, yada, sign here to join. Yada, yada-- “Derpy Hooves!” Her eyes stopped at her name, hoof printed for all to see. “I...what…”

“I know, it’s exciting, right!?” Swirlberry exclaimed. Derpy stepped back as the earth pony’s eyes sparkled with unnatural glee for this early in the morning. “You get to repair the community with the community!”

“Praise the community!” shouted one of them.

“Come on, get whatever you need, there’s a neighbor who needs our help!” Swirl’s audience stomped and cheered. Derpy watched them march down the road, singing some song, but their voices faded away before she could hear the lyrics.

She stepped through her own door and closed it behind her. She groaned, then banged her head against the door. After closing her eyes and sucking in all the air she could manage, she let it all out in a huge whoosh. She opened her eyes again to White hovering in front of her.

“Good, morning, Derpy!” the breezie shouted with a smile.

Derpy’s eyes narrowed as she said in a cracked voice, “I made a mistake signing those papers.”

“Wait, what?” White asked. “I don’t follow?”

Shadows shaded the mailmare's face as the sunshine reflected on the windows. “I thought Ponyville was a great town. I heard ponies praising it. It’s a great town, filled with such friendly activity! Obviously I didn’t know that was sarcasm at the time, but I should’ve listened to them.” She whispered, “I should have listened.”

White stared. “I don’t understand. What does this have to do with community service?”

“When I volunteered once to help out with the parasprites, my mane was half eaten by one of them. I had to deal with ponies staring at me because of my mohawk!”

“Oh stop it. Nothing will go--”

“Nope.” Derpy shook her head. “You are not finishing that sentence. Every time somepony says that, it’s like the universe is pranking you and it does the exact opposite!” A frown made its way to her face. “I am not gonna be another victim to that phrase!”

White rolled. “Let’s just see how this goes, okay?”

Derpy moaned. “But I don’t wanna!” Despite her outburst, she still trudged to the kitchen to find something to eat. It did not look like the unnaturally happy horde of ponies were bringing anything for lunch, but an inventory of her own kitchen did not sound much better. The only things worth taking from her fridge were apples and the cider she saved from Sweet Apple Acres. It couldn't hurt to take one sip before she’d go.

She smacked her lips and looked inside the barrel. There was only a tiny drop, all alone in the darkness of the barrel. “Guess I was more thirsty than I thought.” She giggled with a blush.. “Hey, where’s the other you?”

“Other me?” White gasped. “Oh! Oh… you mean her. Yeah, it’s this thing where one shoulder angel takes a day off and lets the other do the convincing. Yesterday was hers, now today is mine.”

Derpy giggled. “Heh, just like in the funnies.”

White sighed. “Red has her way of… convincing you to make decisions. I on the other hoof, just give you some advice.”

“Alright, I’ll do this community thing.” Derpy’s frown turned upside down when White gave a cute squeal. She walked to the door and swung it opened.

“Good morning!” said the voice from behind her.

“Gah!” Derpy shouted as she jumped. It was her nextdoor neighbor in a red robe, almost covering her entire body as she stood by her own front door. Derpy held a hoof to her beating heart. “You scared me.”

“Oh, I’m sorry about that!” Her neighbor chuckled. “Where you’re headed to, neighbor?”

“Community service!” Derpy chuckled nervously. “I feel like I’m needed!”

“Good for you!” The mare smiled. “For a second there, I thought you went a little crazy because I heard you talking to yourself in there!”

Derpy tensed up as she stared at the mare. “What?”

“Well I hope you have a nice day!” She said as she walked off to the sidewalk. She watched the old mare wander into the distance, wearing a robe. The other ponies cast a odd look at the mare as she passed by them.

“She’s... certainly an interesting mare.”

Derpy turned and admired the ponies walking around. There was a group of fillies playing ball in the streets, and a couple chatting away as they ate some food. The birds provided a soothing melody that made her bad morning seem less sucky.

White sucked in all the air. “You gotta love that scenery. Wouldn’t you want to help this beautiful town?’

“I guess so.”

White appeared in front of her face and gripped her nose as she shouted. “That’s the spirit!” There was a cute sparkle shining from her eye. If Derpy hadn’t seen so many cute puppies, White would have caused her death by a heart attack. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you every step of the way!”

There was no sign of a huddle of blue shirts forming a circle anywhere as she strolled around. It was nice that her ears weren’t being blasted out by the mare’s insensitive shouting. The community ‘punishing’ her for not contributing kept her from giving up.

Derpy couldn’t find any blue shirt ponies amongst the ponies that crowded the place. She turned to White as the little angel tucked on her ear. “Uh, Derpy, you remember you can fly right?’

“Pff, of course. I was just uh… warming up. Don’t wanna fly too fast now, right?” Derpy asked with a smirk.

The angel crossed her forelegs and glared at Derpy.

Derpy spread her wings and took flight. Even flying up to tree-top level did not show where the blue-shirted ponies were hiding. She flew across an intersections, hovered over dirt roads, and slowed down when she came across the only road towards the forest.

“So… how’s the body? You feel alright? I can imagine the pain you must feel after dealing with that horrible, horrible mare.”

“Still hurts a lot... but I’ll be fine.” Derpy smiled, but it wavered a bit when a little pain still burned in her foreleg.

The wind that brushed against Derpy face didn’t help much; she almost crashed into a pony as her mind wandered elsewhere. She shook her head, and made a mental note to keep her eyes up in order to avoid bumping into anypony else. “So, I guess this mean you learned learned your lesson?"

"Huh?"

White scoffed. "It's not a good idea to listen to Red. Remember yesterday at the restaurant? I told you....

“Yesterday at the restaurant. I told you to be the bigger pony, to give that poor stallion a tip or else Karma will come back, but you listened to Red instead of me.”

“That stallion was a jerk to me and to others!” Derpy frowned. “Red’s right, Jerks don’t get tips for being one.”

“Well you certainly rewarded Red with one,” White said with a sigh. “I’m just saying, watch out when talking with that mare.”

Derpy rolled her eyes. “I’ll keep that in mind.” She stared at the clouds ahead of her before a yawn escaped her mouth. Rubbing her eyes, she tried to force them open to keep herself from falling asleep. She groaned. “Where are they?”

“Maybe where that smoke is floating in the air?” Derpy looked where White was pointing . Just like her living conscious said, a trail of smoke floating not from her pointed ahead.

She hoped they weren’t dead when she got there...or did she?

When she saw them scattered throughout the block, her smile dropped. She didn’t even know why or how she was smiling, but it made her scared of herself. There was the group that came to the house, all huddled together.

“Alright, we steal whatever’s from the wreckage!”

“Hehe yeah boss? What’re we going to steal!”

Derpy almost gave herself when a chuckle escaped her mouth. The fat one slapping both of the members heads reminded her of a show. The two rubbed their heads and mumbled collectively while the leader glared at them. “Quiet ya little knuckleheads! Remember not to look too obvious. Actually do some work for the audience, pick up some trash, or at least act like it! You don’t need these ponies getting suspicious!”

“But… but boss, what if somepony spots us!” That earned them another slapped to the back of their heads. Derpy didn’t understand why they got slapped, because it was actually a good question.

“Blame it on the newbie, ya knucklebrains! They’ll easily eat it up. Newbie, a bad influence on the kind ponies who helped our community, jailed serving full time!”

They all broke from their huddle to look up. Derpy’s eyes widened when their attention were planted on her. Swirlberry had that fake friendly smile on her face as she waved to her.

She had no choice to wave back. “I think signing that was a bad idea.”

“I agree.”

“You can’t...tell me what to do anymore,” Red mumbled in her sleep, tossing onto her side. Her snoring snapped open her eyes, shooting her body upwards.

“Where the heck am I?” she asked as she looked around the strange place. All she saw was long hairy rainbow grass. Well if there was grass. It looked like some spongy surface. It was slightly softer than the dirt she walked on.

She looked up at the skies. The skies had no color. There was only white. Her teeth clenched when the ground shook under her. Her eyes widened when a large hairy leg stood before her.

Only one thought came to mind. “I knew I should have cleaned up my mess. This is how you get bugs.”

“White, I could use some helpful tips on how not to die here,” Derpy said through a clenched smile.

“Alright, just tell her something came up, and try to sugarcoat as much as possible,” White giggled nervously. “You can do this!”

Her heart pounded against her cheek as Swirlberry slowly approached her. That friendly look covered almost all of her face. This mare could be a changeling as her attitude changed really quickly. Derpy had to look out for a green flash.

“So glad you could join us!” Swirl exclaimed happily. “Tell me, how does it feel knowing you will help your community grow again?”

“Instant regret.” Derpy giggled nervously. To the point all of them turned to look at her. “You know? Like all good and stuff, hahaha...please don’t hurt me.”

“Pull yourself together!” White shouted.

Swirl’s turn to laugh. Derpy kept her eyes on the mare’s hoof as it gripped her shoulders. The mare shook her with each laugh that came from her mouth. “Whew, I knew you would be loads of fun!” She turned Derpy around where she saw two members.

It looked like they were scavenging through the pile of rubble that used to be a building, tossing rocks aside. One of the rocks almost hit a pony, but they didn’t seem to mind. “Why don’t you help them steal-- uh I mean clean up! I’m sure they need a hoof in this crisis!”

“O-okay I guess?” Derpy yelped when the mare slapped her back.

“Great! Now get to it!” Swirl shouted as she pushed Derpy towards them. She looked back as the mare waved her hoof for her to go on.

Derpy turned around and walked to the two pegasi.

So many ponies huddled together and stood by their homes. Their coats covered in dust from the rubble probably collapsing. No fresh air to inhale, black smoke tainted the air.

Derpy frowned when she turned to the right. Two other mares took whatever they found from the rubble and the families thanked them even when they did nothing, they smiled and acted humble. “I think we should do something,” White said. “It isn’t right what they’re doing to these families.”

They dropped whatever they had in their hooves and turned to Derpy as she marched towards them. They forced their fake smiles and waved to her. “Hello, friend!”

Derpy froze. Her hoof acted on its own and waved back.

“Say something!” White whispered.

She forced a smile. “What should I say?”

“ Something that makes them feel instant regret! Confront them!”

“Or maybe it’ll make them feel the instant need to punch me in the nose!” Derpy whispered.

“You okay there, friend?” one of them asked.

They didn’t move any muscles in their body, even their eyelids. “Uh...uh what you’re doing is… awesome!”

White face groaned.

“Alright, go over that pile and try to salvage as much stuff you can from there,” said the mare. Derpy turned to where the mare had pointed. The little fillies huddled up their parents as they stared at the rubble that used to be their home. Their eyes looked glossed as tears were building up.

“Come on, Derpy. You’re not just going to stand there and do nothing!” White shouted.

“You crazy? I’m going to get hurt if I tell them off!” Derpy walked past the family. There wasn’t a door to knock and the families were too traumatized to care so she walked onto the platform, the only thing that was left of the house.

There were no walls to conceal the terrible act she was about to commit. She pushed the rocks aside and searched through the dust. She stopped when a brown bag laid buried under a ton of dust. It looked in good condition, just a little dust smearing on it.

She pulled the bag and gasped when she looked inside. She almost had a heart attack at the sight of that many bits. She frowned when she turned around to see the father nod at every word, every lie, the member said through that forced smile of hers.

“You can do this, Derpy,” White said. “I know you don’t think this is right. I know you wanna do the right thing. I’m not going to sit here and convince you to do the right thing because that’s your choice.” Derpy turned around to see her little angel smile. “I’m not worrying because I know you’ll make the right choice.”

Derpy looked at the bag in her hooves then back at the family. She closed her eyes and inhaled. The wind brushing against her face and in her mane helped ease the tension pounding in her heart.

She never played the hero and she didn’t want to. Not because it was too much work, but because what if she failed? She wasn’t able to get back up after getting knocked down. She wasn’t like the heroes her mother had told her about.

It was her choice, just like White said. She wasn’t there to convince her otherwise, just there for emotional support.

It was time to decide.

She huffed as she opened her eyes and took the bag. They all turned to her and waited for the news she’d give them. The family looked at her with hope in their eyes while the members looked with greed through their fake smiles. She could almost see that nasty grin.

Derpy also saw the families muzzle quilver through the dirt smeared on their faces. “Here you go,” she said as she handed the family the bag.

“W-w-wow, I almost forgot about this!” The father had tears in his eyes. “I honestly forgot about this.” he shouted as he swooped in and hugged Derpy. “Thank you so much!”

The two mares in the blue shirt dropped their smiles and frowned at her as they watched her from far. Derpy broke free of the stallion’s strong grip and patted him on the shoulder as she walked over to them.

“What the heck was that newbie!” shouted the mare. Her partner nudged her in the stomach with her foreleg. The mare was about to see something until her partner gave her a glare and tilted her head towards Derpy. “I... uh, mean, why didn’t you run that by us first before you handed it to them!”

Derpy opened her mouth to give them a piece of her mind, but she was tongue tied as she had no words to say.

“Go on, go on!” White pressured.

Derpy gulped and lifted her chin as she stood up to them. “You’re taking from the needy which isn’t cool and not what community service is all about!”

“I would have started with an introduction of right and wrong, but that’s okay too!” White said.

They turned to Derpy with arched eyebrows and crooked frowns. “Oh… oh wow, I think… we’re suppose to like hit you because you… going to ruin our… plans?” She looked at the teammate who shrugged. “Oh… okay!” the mare smiled at Derpy. “We’re going to hurt you really really bad now!”

“Wait, what?” Derpy’s head suddenly slammed to the ground as the mare tackled her down. A loud ringing sound screamed in her ears and her head felt like it was about to crack. The pounding sensation overwhelmed the pain burning in her stomach. It was a good thing she didn’t eat anything or she’d throw up.

Everything was blurry, even the sun as it looked like a yellow blur. Derpy spotted something between the mares, but they paid no attention to it.

The tiny dot hovered next to the mare holding Derpy down. It flew it front of the mare’s face and attacked the mare’s eyes. The mare released her hooves from Derpy and flailed her hooves around.

“Sweet Celestia, is that a bee?!” The other shouted. “Don’t worry, I got it!” She knocked her teammate down before she could utter a warning.

“Oops!” The mare gasped when the bee attacked her. “Oh, you’re not stinging me, bee!” the mare shouted as she swung a hoof that winded up knocking herself out.

Derpy rubbed her head as she lifted herself from the ground. She turned to her left to see White on her shoulder. “You okay?” White asked.

“What…” Derpy whimpered. “What did I do to deserve this much pain?”

Just as she thought it was over, Swirl appeared. Derpy’s jaw dropped when other members of the group stepped behind her and lined up. “You should have just did what you was told and maybe, just maybe we would have let you get a piece of the glory.” She sighed. “Too bad I’ll have to take you out. You was actually funny.”

She turned to her members and nodded. One by one, they stepped towards her.

“Oh darn it, what are we going to do!”

“Uh… like a good assistant, Spike is there!” Derpy closed her eyes. She peeked one eye open. All of them stopped and looked at her with arched eyebrows. Swirl was laughing her flank of.

“What was that!”

“It was a shot and I took it!” Derpy shouted.

“This is why I’m sad I gotta do this!Swirl laughed. “You just keep saying dumb things!” She clung onto one of her members as she lost balance in a fit of laughter. “You just...haha I can’t even!”

Derpy spent minutes laying on the dirt as the leader continued to bust a gut. Even some of the members looked uncomfortable standing in the same spot. She wanted to inch her way back, but she was afraid the leader might break her laughter and attack her.

Swirl wiped a tear away as she huffed. “Seriously, if you live, Derpy, listen.” She clapped her hooves together and looked Derpy straight in the eyes, trying to maintain a threatening look. Her smile was deceiving her. “Become a comedian. I would watch you.”

“Umm...okay?”

“I really liked you, Derpy. You might not think of us as this, but we actually do good. We are the ones that clean after the heroes are done trashing the places! We actually help the community rather than just trashing it! Sure we might take some of their stuff, but there’s gotta be some reward in doing good right? Our intentions may be questionable, but both parties come out happy though, don’t they?” She grinned madly. “You can run, tell your friends about what we did. Nopony will believe you over--”

“Leave her alone!”

Derpy turned to look behind her. “Sweet Celestia.”

“You liar!” shouted not just one, but the whole block. There must have been a hundred or more ponies behind Derpy, but all of them stood with their heads held high. Even the family she helped earlier stood among them. Derpy couldn’t hide the smirk on her face.

“You gotta love self absorbed villains!” White exclaimed as she giggled.

“Amen to that,” Derpy said.

“Uh, we were just joking!” Swirlberry lied. “Right fellas?”

All of them mumbled in agreement and nodded their heads. “We were just joking with the newbie!”

Derpy turned to the crowd and shook her head. “Why you little—”

“Ready!” shouted a pony from the crowd.

The leader started taking steps back as a ton of objects that were engulfed in different color of auras lifted in the air. Her followers followed her steps and slowly walked backwards. Derpy switched her attention from them to the retreating community.

Her heart was pounding from the intensity of the stand-off.

“Fire!”

Like rain dropping from the sky, many personal objects rained down on the group. They scattered around like ants to avoid getting hit, some got knocked to the ground by things like a tissue box hitting their head or a toilet seat colliding with them.

Derpy searched for the leader, but she was nowhere to be found. Just like that, she had abandoned her flock when things got out of control. She felt bad for the idiots who followed her, but seeing them get struck down by something like a flying roll of toilet paper left her chuckling.

Derpy spread her wings and lifted herself in the air. She looked down to see the neighbor chasing down the evil doers. Their cries echoed into the skies, their groans and pleads for mommy was music to Derpy’s ears.

In the corner of her eye, White appeared on her left shoulder. Back in her right place. “Today was… weird and stressful,” Derpy said with a sigh.

“Sorry,” White said, ears drooped down. “I didn’t mean to put your through this. I-I just thought Red was being a bad influence on you and -- and I--”

“Pff, what?” Derpy waved a hoof. “Who could you have done this? Plus it’s okay. I did something good!”

“Well not really. I mean the ponies still don’t have homes.”

She had to agree on that one. “Okay… yeah.”

“They probably broke whatever was left from their houses by saving you.”

Derpy had a deadpan look. “Yeah, okay, I get it.”

“And they’ll probably get arrested now for assaulting ponies.” White giggled when she saw the glare on Derpy’s face. “But you inspired them. That’s what matters most.” White said with a smile. “Look.”

Derpy looked down where White pointed. The ponies broke out in a fit of cheering when all the members of the community retreated from the area while some were tied up. Just like a superhero, she flew off before they could even thank her.

A gasp left her mouth after White hugged her cheek, nuzzling it. A smile crept on her face as she embraced the warm hug. “Thanks for believing in me.”

White tried to hide the blush in her cheeks.

I don’t know where I am, but I found a piece of cheetos which was totally boss at the time. Now I think it gave me the ---

Her narrative stopped as the ground rumbled underneath her once again. “Oh crap, it found me!” Her breathing quickened. Her eyes darting, back and forth. The creature’s legs kept appearing in her vision. It was going to get her. Her face met the floor when there was no strings to grab, making her lose her balance.

Her teeth clenched when the ground shook under her. “How would you like to share a piece of cheetos I found laying around?”

The beast roared in response. Her antenna went straight up as the creature roared and lifted it’s huge, hairy leg.

“Okay, fine! You can have the whole cheetos!” She groaned. “Jeez, eat everything why don’t ya!”

A huge and hairy greyhoof crushed the creature's leg. A ton of green bug blood sprayed on Red from head to toe, but that didn’t stop her from grinning like a mad mare. Red cackle she has ran into the hug, wrapping her hooves around it. She was too consumed in the cozy and warm sensation the hoof god had casted upon her to care. She looked up to see White hovering down. She landed right next to her and placed a hoof on her shoulder. “You okay?”

Red turned around and took in the sight before her.

The beige wallpaper grew lumps. The red couch sat on the floor, looking rather dull and worn out. Red could have sworn, some patches were tearing off, but that’s where she would doze off and think of millions things she wanted Derpy to do. And most of, the fridge that provided with endless choices of food that her world could never provide.

Red knew someday, at any time that little good doer would break and rat, spoil the fun and ruin the easy life presented to them. All to go back to listening to that pink headed jerk.

“Oh, White!” Red said as she turned to White with a grin. “I’m ready to have that serious talk now!”

Author's Note

I hope you enjoyed the chapter! If not, please comment why! Don't be shy now!

Thanks to helpful stead, Striving Scholar, Savoured Thoughts, Georg and Sandcroft for their hard work! Chapter three currently being edited and it should be released tomorrow!