Discord's Discombobulating Discounts - Chapter 3
Discourage

Laughter echoed throughout Ponyville Park. Normally such a commotion would be turning heads and ears of the locals, but they knew those particular laughs well enough that they didn’t even need to look to find out who was laughing or why. The local pranksters Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash had pulled off another successful prank. Even the birds weren’t too jostled by the commotion.

Rainbow wiped away a tear from her eye. “Oh, jeez. That was too bad. I really hope squirt won’t be too mad.”

Pinkie held a hoof up to mouth and chuckled. “Squirt?”

“Yeah, that’s my nickname for Scootaloo. She’s ‘the Squirt.’”

Pinkie bit her quivering lip. “Good thing she didn’t live up to her name!”

Both ponies fell on their backs and rolled with laughter. After being interrupted by a coughing fit, Pinkie wiped a bit of spittle of her cheek. “But yeah, you’re right. It was probably mean of me to trick the crusaders like that. They seemed to be actually enjoying what they were doing--” Pinkie’s eyes shot open “--Oh, I may have let myself get too carried away with this prank.”

Rainbow jumped up on the ground and threw a leg over Pinkie’s shoulders. “Hey, relax! It was a harmless joke. They’ll get over it and be back to their crusading in no time. Besides, the toots are only temporary.”

No longer biting on her lip or looking at the ground, Pinkie batted her eyes and soaked up any tears of regret. “I... I guess you’re right. I could always bake them some Sorry-I-Tricked-You Sweets later. That’ll cheer them up.”

“See, there we go,” said Rainbow while rubbing Pinkie on the back. “They’ll be happy and smiling again in no time. And do you know what would cheer you up?”

Rainbow pointed over to a nearby bench where Lyra and Bon-Bon were sitting. Pinkie and Rainbow chuckled.

“Lyra, it always astounds me that you are able to get comfortable in that position.”

Lyra turned to Bon-Bon. “What? It’s quite comfortable to lean back. And it takes up less space. Besides, if we weren’t supposed to sit like this, then why are there back supports on these benches?”

Bon-Bon poked the back of the bench. “They’re obviously for decoration and to tell ponies which part of the bench is the front.”

Lyra shook her head. “I don’t think so. Is there a front to a cushion, or a beanbag chair? No, I say that I’m sitting the correct way.”

Instead of a rebuttal, Bon-Bon just sighed. “Lyra, have we really run out of things to talk about? We couldn’t have been friends for that long already.”

A chirpy voice suddenly shook the two seated ponies. “Hey, you two. Lovely day, isn’t it?”

In front of Lyra and Bon-Bon stood Pinkie. On her head was a pitcher of purple juice, and balancing on one of her front hooves was a tray with two cups, filled with the same drink.

Bon-Bon nodded. “It certainly is. Lyra and I are just enjoying the weather together.”

Lyra pointed at the tray. “What’s that you got there?”

Pinkie grinned. “Oh, you mean this?” She lifted the tray a little higher for the two to see. “This is just a new drink I’ve been trying out. Would you like a taste?”

A yellow glow surrounded a cup and levitated it off of the tray. “Thanks! I’m parched,” said Lyra before taking a sip.

Pinkie held the tray in front of Bon-Bon, but she just smiled and shook her head. “Sorry, I’m cutting down on sugar. I’m trying to shave off a few pounds.”

Lyra downed the rest of her drink. “Oh, come on, Bonnie! Not this again. You’re just fine. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of pudge.”

Bonnie’s mane whipped around as she got into Lyra’s face. “Don’t call me pudgy! Besides, ‘pudge’ isn’t a very flattering word.”

Lyra rolled her eyes. “I didn’t say that, but fine. You’re healthy. You’re a healthy mare. Besides, what harm is one drink going to do? Right, Pinkie?”

Both mares looked to Pinkie for an answer, but she was gone. Lyra sighed. “Great, we scared her off.”

The other mare scratched her chin. “No, that’s not like Pinkie. Something else must have distracted her. She’d never let us bicker whenever she’s around.”

“Hey, Bonnie? I’m sorry if I insulted you. It’s just I think you worry too much about your appearance.”

Bon-Bon nuzzled her best friend. “No, Lyra, I’m sorry I snapped. I was quick to throw your words back at you.”

A short distance away in some bushes, two pairs of eyes watched as the two friends made amends on the bench. Rainbow had been counting down ever since Lyra took the first sip.

“4… 3… 2…”

A gurgling came from the depths of Lyra’s stomach. She looked at her friend, who seemed oblivious to the growing pressure in Lyra’s gut. Ever so slowly, Lyra leaned over towards Bon-Bon, lifting one cheek from the wooden bench. She went the extra mile to cover the intentions of her actions by adding a little nuzzle.

“Oh no, you don’t. I know you too darn well. If you’re going to pass gas, you’re not going to do it near me.”

Found out, Lyra rolled off the bench with a moan and walked away from Bon-Bon.

“Oh crud! She’s coming this way. Do you think she knows?” whispered Pinkie.

“Don’t move! She’ll find us for sure,” said Rainbow.

The grass crunched under Lyra’s hooves with every step as she got closer to the bush that the two pranksters were hiding in. She stopped only a few feet away. Through the leaves, Rainbow saw Lyra inspect the surrounding area. There was nopony in sight.

No.

Lyra turned around so that she was facing the path and bench, pointing her rear away from any potential passers-by.

Oh dear Celestia, no!

She lifted her tail.

Oh, ponyfeathers.

A deafening blast blew Rainbow’s mane back. She could feel the colors melt from her prismatic mane; the smell made her grow green as she held back the urge to vomit.

She who dealt it smelt it. “Whew! Dang, that was a bad one. That one would knock the fur off a diamond dog. I’m beginning to feel sorry for Bon-Bon. Maybe I should stop subjecting her to all those dutch ovens.”

After a few waves of her tail to fan off the offensive odor, Lyra trotted back to Bon-Bon’s side as if nothing happened. She never noticed the two sickly green, gagging ponies that crawled out of the bush behind her.

---O---

After a trip to the nearest toilet, taking a bath, and brushing their teeth just for good measure, the duo were out in public again.

“I don’t know--” Pinkie took another whiff of her mane “--Maybe we’ve done enough pranking for the day.”

“Oh, come on, Pinkster,” said Rainbow while flying beside her friend. “We’ve only had one prank backfire on us. It’s not like you to be discouraged so quickly.”

“Well, yeah, but--”

“Oh, Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash. How are you two doing today?”

The two friends stopped talking and looked ahead of them. Twilight Sparkle was standing there with a huge smile on her face. Behind her was Spike pulling a cart full of parchment, quills, and one large sofa.

Rainbow smiled. “Hey Twilight! Doing great. Here--” She snatched the pitcher of juice off of Pinkie’s head, pulled a cup out Pinkie’s mane, and poured a cup of juice. “--You look thirsty. Have a drink!”

Spike walked up and took the cup out of Rainbow’s hoof. “Thanks! I’m parched.” He took the drink and chugged it down, earning himself a glare from Rainbow as she poured another drink for Twilight.

Twilight took the cup from Rainbow with her magic. “That’s very nice of you, Rainbow.” She lifted the cup to her lips.

“What’s the sofa for?” asked Pinkie.

A shock went through the back of Rainbow’s mind as she turned to look at her partner-in-pranks. What are you doing?

Lowering the cup, Twilight motioned at the large sofa behind her and Spike. “Oh, this thing? Well, being a princess means that I have a lot of paperwork to do--notices to read, reports to write--so I use up a lot of parchment and quills. Well, Mr. Davenport saw how much materials I was buying and using, and he asked me if the chair I used was comfortable at all…”

A low rumbling sound came from Spike’s belly. He looked down as the contents in his belly gurgled and shifted about.

“...and then he suggested getting a new chair for working on. So he sold me this chair at a discount! It was very nice of him.”

Pinkie nodded enthusiastically as she inched closer to Twilight. Her hoof slowly reached out for Twilight’s cup. With a flap of her wings, Rainbow got right up next to Pinkie and bumped her out of the way.

Rainbow nodded while watching Pinkie. “Yeah. That Davenport guy is awesome.” What are you doing, Pinkie?

A moan caught their attention. All three mares turned to see that Spike was bent over and holding his belly.

“Spike! Are you alright?” Twilight went up to her assistant and rubbed his back.

Spike nodded. “It’s okay, I just--”

A fart bellowed from behind the baby dragon accompanied by a huge flash of green dragon fire, which engulfed Twilight. She screamed as the fire ate away at her. Twilight disintegrated in the rectal inferno. Pinkie cried out and ripped out chunks of her mane. Rainbow’s wings snapped open; she grabbed the pitcher and tossed its contents onto Twilight, but to no avail.

The princess was gone. No hair or feather of her remained. Even the cup of juice she’d held next to her with her magic was gone.

The commotion had attracted many of the citizens of Ponyville, who stared in awe at the tragedy they just witnessed.

Rainbow didn’t notice, though. She was too busy looking at the burn marks on the ground where Twilight once stood. “Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh--”

Pinkie threw herself upon the burnt ground and pulled all the ashes she could into a pile. “NO! TWILIGHT! Pull yourself together! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, TWILIGHT!”

The ponies of Ponyville stared in confusion or wailed. Mares fainted and stallions sobbed as their most beloved princess seemed to have been taken away in some tragic magical accident.

Unlike everyone else, Spike wasn’t crying. He walked up to Pinkie and gave her a few pokes. “Um… Pinkie?”

Pinkie lifted her tear- and dirt-stained face up from the ashes. “Spike! I’m so sorry! I’m sorry that Twilight is dea-he-he-he-ead!” She snatched up the dragon and gave him a strong squeeze. “I promise I’ll take care of you. I’ll teach you, I’ll bathe you, I’ll feed you, just like Twilight would have wanted me to do!”

Spike squirmed in Pinkie’s death grip as she rubbed her tear-soaked face against his. “What are you talking about? Twilight’s not dead!”

Pinkie stopped sobbing, and so did the rest of Ponyville. All eyes were on the little dragon in Pinkie’s grip.

“She’s alright! Really. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, actually…” Spike slipped a claw out of Pinkie’s grip, scratched the back of his head, and tried to look away from Pinkie’s stare. “When I was little, I had an… accident, you see, and she got caught in it. She was sent to Celestia, and that’s where she is now. It doesn’t hurt. It probably scared her more than anything.”

Pinkie dropped Spike. He landed on his tucas. “Really!? Twilight’s okay?”

Spike nodded. Pinkie began to jump around, cheering that Twilight was okay. She ran around to the audience their little fiasco had attracted and shared the good news, as well as hugs and smiles. When Pinkie finished informing the crowd, they went back to their day, Pinkie collapsed on her back and looked up at the sky. “Ha~ hahaha… Phew! For a moment there I thought we were killers.” She giggled away her concerns. She pointed up at the sun. “Hey look. That’s a BIG solar flare.”

Spike looked up at the sky, back down at Pinkie, then back to Rainbow. “What was that about ‘I thought we were killers’?”

Rainbow shook her head. “I don’t know.”

“Hey, still got some of that juice left?”

---O---

It wasn’t the first time Twilight had been transported somewhere by magic against her will. Especially by dragon fire. Dragon fire always made her feel like her stomach had been flipped mid-flight. She’d never get used to seeing herself covered in flames--even harmless ones. The primal fear of fire always overruled logic. Twilight sighed, picked herself up and looked around.

Yup. This is Celestia’s throne room.

“Good day to you, Twilight.”

Twilight whipped around and there was Celestia, sitting on the throne with a warm smile on her face.

Twilight smiled back. “Hello, Celestia. Sorry, I hope I’m not interrupting anything. Spike… he had a little accident.”

Celestia never faltered at the embarrassing news. The last thing she’d want to do was laugh at her favorite student for being farted on by her dragon assistant. She lifted a cup half full of juice.

“Twilight, I saved your juice. I hope you don’t mind, but I took a little sip.”

Author's Note

So, I'm almost finished with this.

Looking back at the story (which was originally written in an hour for a twenty-four hour comic) there are a few things that are feeling a little off. Can Spike really fart dragon fire? Could it transport living things? Wasn't there times in the show that his fire just singed Twilight? Plus, some jokes seem to work better in comic form, so I changed some things around to better fit the written word.