Rarity's Butt

by Brutesilenttimbo

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Sad, Romance
Length: 1248

This is a story about a dark and edgy kid named kirk, whose undying love for rarity goes too far in this saucy romance.

Kirk was riding home on his dark and edgy skateboard and listening to Linkin Park all the while writing poetry about how unfair his parents. This was very important to the plot because all of the people of Lehauton knew he was the edgiest of them all. It was on this day that he would finally get to meet his one true love Shrek Rarity. [spoiler]Kirk dies at the end but not before being able to touch the butt.[/spoiler]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-24 00:45:21 UTC

From Edgy Beginnings

Kirk turned off his computer completely frustrated, because he got his ass handed to him by Timbo in a 1v1 matchup.  "God damn it how can I ever face my one true god?" He said as he cried many tears in the closet that is his computer room.  He had tried many times before to defeat the Timbo but he was just a complete scrub who couldn't end games. He went down to the basement of his house where he had kept his shrine to rarity's butt to pray for forgiveness.  As he was "praying" his great friend Timbo Granthur came in and saw everything.  "Jesus fucking Christ Kirk what the fuck are you doing to that image of Rarity's butt" Timbo asked gracefully. Timbo noticed that Kirk was doing something dangerously close to his shrine for Rarity.  "What are you doing in my house Timbo?"  Kirk said with his back to him shaking something rather vigorously.  Kirk slowly began to turn and face Timbo and Timbo's face cringed with horror, expecting the worst.  Kirk then let out a massive load of axe body spray from the can he had in his hands.  "Eww gross it's disgusting get it away from me." Timbo yelled at Kirk.  Just then from out of nowhere Douggy B. jumped from the shadows spouting some nonsense about physics.  Timbo was confused at this sudden plot development as he was told it wouldn't be that type of fan fiction.  "YOU! YOU DIDN'T LABEL YOUR DIAGRAMS!" Douggy B. shouted.  Without much hesitation Timbo escaped Kirk's house being tailed only by the most purest form of rage that was Douggy B..  Now alone and most certainly confused, Kirk went back to the shrine of Rarity and made a wish. "I wish for the greatest fedora in the world." Kirk had wished for things by the alter many times before but nothing had ever happened but on this specific occasion Kirk had felt different, almost as if a portal was opening up nearby.  Shrugging off the oddly specific "feeling" Kirk went back to his room to sleep,  he thought that surely the fedora will be delivered to his house by tomorrow.

...

Kirk awoke inside a house he did not remember falling asleep in, which is very odd because this is not usually how this thing works.  Kirk got up to take a look through the only window in the room.  The outside was very dark and everything was blurred, but there was one thing that Kirk could see clearly.  It was Timbo.  Timbo was outside the window and he was holding onto something.  Kirk looked closer and was shocked at what he saw.  Timbo had in his hands the greatest fedora-

...

Kirk woke up back in his room in a cold sweat.  Truly this was the most terrifying dream Kirk had ever experienced in his life.  Kirk had gotten ready for whatever it was he was going to do this morning when he heard some noise coming from the basement.  It was not like any noise Kirk had ever heard before.  It sounded almost like the type of thing Samurai warriors got constantly flung into.  When he went down into his basement to check on the noise he had realized it was just that.  Where there once was his shrine to Rarity there was now a portal to another dimension.  A voice came from the portal.  "Kirk, we have your fedora. Enter the portal."  Kirk had always been told never to get into questionable vans if the promise of candy was mentioned.  However, fedoras were on the line and this was no van.  If Kirk was to ever show his face in the live streaming community he had to have that fedora.  Before Kirk could make a decision Timbo appeared behind him and pushed him into the portal and then jumped after him out of sheer boredom.

Fedora Flips

Kirk had never felt like this before.  Getting flung into a portal is like nothing he had ever expected, but there was something else on his mind.  Where does this portal go to, and how can I even show my face in this new realm without a real mans fedora?  Kirk looked to his left, floating next to him was Timbo.  Timbo drifted next to Kirk with a smug ass look on his face foreshadowing something truly horrible was about to happen to Kirk.  "What have you done Timbo? Why on earth was there a portal in my basement?" Kirk asked Timbo.  "Shh, shh I did it for the plot Kirk, it was all for the plot."  Timbo responded.  Before Kirk could say anything back Timbo had vanished.  It looked like the end of the portal was approaching fast.  The end of the tunnel was bright and Kirk was temporarily blinded, however it didn't feel like he was traveling any longer.  Kirk's eyes adjusted to the light, it was a nice day outside.  Kirk looked around and found himself to be in a wooded area in the middle of nowhere.  "It looks like I am walking home."  Kirk said to himself like a god damn stranger.  Something wasn't right Kirk felt it in his bones, or to be more precise his entire body.  Kirk looked down to realize his newly acquired set of hooves.  "ECH! Get them off!" Kirk began thrashing like a small horse would.  After the five stages of grief, Kirk began to settle down and remembered all that Timbo had taught him.  He looked at his own ass to look for his ass mark, Kirk's ass was blank.  It was the blankest blank flank you had ever seen in your life. Kirk looked back to the woods and started walking and soon enough he spotted a town on the horizon.  Hoping to draw as little attention as possible from the town of many small horses, Kirk stayed on the outskirts of the town hidden by the bushes and trees.  As he was hiding he was watching the townsfolk interact with each other.  There were many small horses talking to each other each with their own ass marks, as he stared intently at their ass marks he was startled by a nearby rustling.  He checked his jimmies, nothing was rustled, it must have been the bushes.  Out from behind Kirk came a voice, "Ay siwmae, I see ye like ass marks as much as I."  Kirk jumped from out of the bush spooked out of his dangles.  "Don't be spooked so hard bruh, I'm not one of those ghostmuns." Kirk got up and looked at the small horse.  It was the most neck-bearded small horse to ever walk this side of horseville.  Kirk was relieved to see one of his kind but was also concerned that he was talking to a small horse.  "Why hello there small horse, what are you doing following me around?"  Kirk questioned.  "Why... I was staring at your lack of ass mark."  The neckbeard walked uncomfortably close to Kirk and asked him for his name.  "My name is Kirk and I not supposed to be a small hor..."

"Stop right there you criminal scum!"  an iron clad pony  yelled at both of them while swiftly running towards them.  "You won't get away from me this time!"  The neckbearded horse looked at Kirk.  "We had better get out of here Kirk quickly follow me I know how we can lose this filthy casual."  They both ran deeper into the woods and the guard didn't give much chase for the neckbearded horse kept making call of duty references at the guard and it made things really cringey to continue following them.  They both stopped in a clearing in the woods both completely exhausted from the short jog.  "You......   didn't... say...... your.... name"  said Kirk nearly dead from exhaustion.  "ahh yes m'lady my name is Fedora Flips, But you can call me Flip for short.