Star Flanks, Blank Flanks

by PensacolaRanger

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Flim and Flam, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1131

Two classes of ponies are at odds with each other, until two salesponies show up with the answer to their problems. Sound familiar?

When two kinds of ponies who are social opposites of each other can't get along, it's up to two world-famous unicorn salesponies to arrive on the scene with the answers to their problems---and make a few bits in the process. A fiction story inspired by MLP's Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 as well as Dr. Seuss' The Sneetches. (What triggered this one for me, however, was the Season 5 premiere episode: The Cutie Map. (I had pondered adding Starlight Glimmer to the story, but that seemed unnecessary once I finished the draft.)

Published 2015-05-20 01:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-20 01:30:02 UTC

Star Flanks, Blank Flanks - the Complete Story

In a far-away town, in a far-away nation,

Lived two kinds of ponies, in an odd situation.

Now, the Star-Flanked ponies had Cutie marks with stars.

The Blank-Flanked ponies had none upon thars.

Those stars weren’t so big. They were really so small

You might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.

But because they had stars, all the Star-Flanked ponies

Would brag: “We’re Equestria’s very best ponies!”

With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they’d snort:

“We’ll have nothing to do with the Blank-Flanked sort!”

And whenever they met some, when they were out walking,

They’d trot right on past them-----without even talking.

When the Star-Flanked foals cantered out to play ball,

Could a Blank-Flank get in the game? Not at all.

“You only can play, if your flanks have stars!”

And the Blank-Flanked foals had none upon thars.

On nights when the Star-Flanks had hay-burger roasts,

Or picnics, or parties, or mashmallow toasts…

They never invited the Blank-Flanked ponies.

They left them out cold, in the dark, by their lonelies.

They kept them away. Never let them come near.

And that’s how it went on, year after year.

Then one day it seemed, while the Blank-Flanked ponies

Were moping and doping about, by their lonelies,

Just sitting there, wishing their flanks had stars…

Two unicorns drove up, in the strangest of cars!

“Dear friends!” they announced, in voices full of ham,

“Allow us to introduce ourselves!” “We’re the Brothers Flim-Flam!”

“We’ve heard of your troubles!” “We know that you’re lonely!”

“But we can fix that!” “We’re the fix-it-up ponies!”

“We’ve come here to help you!” “We have what you need!”

“And our prices are low!” “And we work at great speed!”

“And our work is 100 per cent guaranteed!”

“Ready, Flim!” “Ready, Flam!”

“Let’s BING-BANG-ZAM!”

Then with a FLASH from their horns, that Flim-Flam Brothers’s car

began to CHUG-CHUG-CHUG-CHUG, in a way most bizarre!

It twisted, it turned, it self-automated!

It morphed and it borphed, and it confoundulated!

Until quite at last, like no pony’d ever seen,

It turned into a gigantic, complex machine!

With one tunnel leading in, and another leading out,

But what was in-between, nopony could figure out.

“You want stars,” said the brothers, “like the Star-Flanked elite?

“My friends, you can have them…” “For three bits apiece!”

“Just pay us your bits,” “And then trot right aboard!”

So they herded inside. Then the big machine ROARED!

And it clonked, and it bonked, and it jerked, and it berked

And it bopped them about… but guess what, friends?

IT WORKED!!

When the Blank-Flanked ponies came out, they had STARS!!

They actually did! They had STARS upon thars!!

And they neighed to the ones who had stars at the start:

“We’re exactly like you! You can’t tell us apart!

We’re all just the same now, you snooty old smarties!

And now we can go to your hay-burger parties!!”

“OH, NO!!” groaned the ones who had stars at the first:

“We’re still the best ponies, and they are the worst!

But how now in the world will we know,” they all frowned.

“If which kind is what, or the other way ‘round???”

Then up came the Flim-Flams, with very sly winks.

“Have no fear, friends!” “Things aren’t quite as bad as you think!”

“So you don’t know who’s who?” “That’s perfectly true!”

“But come with us, friends!” “Do you know what we’ll do?”

“We’ll make you again Equestria’s best ponies!”

“And all it will cost you,” “Is ten bits onlies!!”

The Flim-Flams led the Star-Flanks to their Star-On Machine.

One look…and a GASP! Then the Star-Flanks looked mean!

“So it’s YOU who’s behind this!” the Star-Flanks all glared!

“Now-now, friends,” said the Flim-Flams,

“It’s all been prepared!”

Another FLASH from their horns, and the machine went into action.

Three CHUGS and a BURP! Then from out the mid-section,

rolled a robotic, compact, self-driven component,

away from the first rig, and in the next moment,

It unfolded, then again, and again, and again!

Until it looked something like…the first machine’s twin!

Except now it looked just like the first---in reverse!

The Star-Flanks couldn’t tell if this was better or worse.

But the Flim-Flams continued their sing-song sales verse:

“Star-Flanks are no longer in style, it would seem!”

“What you need is a trip through our Star-Off Machine!”

“This wondrous contraption will take off your stars!”

“So you won’t look like ponies who have them on thars!”

And that handy machine, working very precisely,

Removed all the stars from their flanks, quite nicely!

Now the new Blank-Flanks all came trotting about

With their snoots in the air, and proceeded to shout:

“We know who’s who! Now there isn’t a doubt,

The best kind of ponies, are ponies WITHOUT!”

Of course, now the new Star-Flanks got frightfully mad!

To be wearing a star now, was frightfully bad.

Then of course, the Flim-Flams got frightfully keen

And invited them through their Star-Off Machine…

And of course, from then on, as you’ve probably guessed,

Things really got into a horrible mess…

All that wild afternoon, making a horse-pile of money,

Those sly Flim-Flam Brothers kept fixing up ponies.

Off again, on again, in again, out again,

Through the machines they raced ‘round and about again,

Changing their stars every minute or two.

They kept paying bits, kept galloping through,

Until neither the Blank nor the Star-Flanks knew,

Whether this one was that one, or that one was this one,

Or which one was what one, or WHAT ONE WAS WHO!!

THEN…

When every last cent, of pony money was spent,

The Flim-Flams packed their gear in their car---and they went.

All the ponies just stared, dumbfounded and broke;

the gullible butts of the Flim-Flams’ big joke.

“GET’EM!” somepony shouted! That began a STAMPEDE!

The Flim-Flams both gasped, and started picking up speed!

Like Appleloosa buffalo, they all chased their quarry,

‘Til the Flim-Flam Brothers both started to worry!

But at last, the posse’ tired, and soon gave up the chase,

As the brothers raced out into wide-open space!

And they laughed as they looked back at the shadow of Town Hall:

“(Heh-heh) They never will learn…Nope. No horse sense at all!”

But… the Flim-Flams were wrong. I’m quite happy to say,

That the ponies got really, quite smart on that day.

That day, they decided that ponies are ponies.

And NOPONY’S Equestria’s very best pony.

That day, all the ponies forgot about stars.

And whether they had one or not, upon thars.

T H E E N D

Author's Note

I figured I wouldn't be the first to write & submit a draft about 'How the Dash Stole Winter.' So here's my second submission of an MLP/Seuss comedy/crossover.