Mixed Crusaders

Chapters

Prologue
Chapter Two - With Blood and Soap
Chapter Three - Past Tense
Chapter Four - Strained Reunions
Chapter Five - The New Normal
Chapter Six - New Faces
Chapter Seven - Questions
Chapter Eight - Iusem
Chapter One - Insulting Royalty

Prologue

Spike had always considered himself to be more Twilight Sparkle’s janitor than her number one assistant. This was because his role in her research generally involved far more cleaning up her mistakes than actually doing any assisting. Since Twilight’s move to Ponyville, his job had only gotten larger, as, in any of the large number of catastrophes the town regularly encountered, from Parasprite infestations to “Want It Need It” spells, Spike was always there, cleaning up the mess in the background.

“Augh! Spike! I need you!” he heard an enraged Twilight scream from a noticeably on fire Crystal Palace.

He calmly watched the current disaster unfold from outside the Carousel Boutique, but chose not to intervene just yet, as he had somehow been roped into taking care of the Cutie Mark Crusaders for the day. And besides, he was still recovering from their attempt at getting cutie marks in Hydra wrestling.

“Uh, Spike? Do you think we should help out or something?” asked Sweetie Bell as she dried swamp water from the Hydra incident out of her mane. “I don’t think so,” replied Spike, “She’s not quite angry enough that I actually have to do anything.”

Suddenly the Castle doors emitted a large cloud of smoke and a hysterical feminine shriek, “Spike! If you don’t come and help me right now, I am going to shred all your comics and give them to Opal as kitty litter!

“Okay, she’s angry enough now,” said the dragon without missing a beat. “Come on and we’ll see if you can get your cutie marks in castle repair.”
_____________________________________________________________________________________

As Spike entered the castle with the Crusaders in tow, he noticed that as bad as the outside of the building had been, the interior was even worse. The furniture was smashed, scorch marks lined the wall in random intervals, and the palace still smelled like smoke even though Twilight had finally managed to deal with the fire. As he walked into the main room, the he saw a large, circular mirror in the center of the chamber that gave off the occasional crackle of lightning, and was likely the cause of Twilight’s distress. The mirror’s surface for some reason, probably magic, didn’t show a reflection of the room, but rather an image of Canterlot, though somewhat different than the Canterlot that they remembered.

Spike quickly assessed the situation, and decided to find Twilight before she did something unfortunate to his comics. “Twilight, I’m here like you asked,” he yelled. “Just calm down and tell me what’s going on.”

He was answered when Twilight suddenly teleported one foot in front of him in a state that Spike usually associated with an impending disaster, complete with, disheveled hair, bloodshot eyes, and deranged grin. “Spike, you finally got here,” she said, her whole body twitching all the while, “Now help me get rid of the evidence before the Princess finds out.”

“Uh, Twilight,” Spike responded, “How about instead of that, you calm down, and tell us happened. And please don’t make me sedate you again.”

“You’ve sedated her before?” asked Scootaloo, who Spike noticed had been unusually quiet until now.

“I’ll tell you about it later.” the dragon replied. He then turned Twilight, and saw she had calmed down enough for him to try talking to her. “So, what’s the deal with this electric mirror thing?” he said as he gestured towards the mirror, which was still emitting the occasional spark.

“I was trying to build a teleportation mirror that I could link to another one I was going to build in Canterlot so I could see princess Celestia more often, but there were, complications. . . “

“Wait,” Sweetie Bell interrupted, “Why would you build a teleporter when you can already teleport on your own?”

“Because, I can’t teleport myself all the way to the capital, and also if I could build a teleporter network, it would revolutionize transportation!” Twilight replied, regaining a bit of her insane expression.

“Yeah, if you do manage that, let me be the first to know so I can sell my railroad stocks,” Spike said, “But getting back on track, how did you mess it up this time?”

Twilight lost her crazy expression and glared at Spike. “Well, though I did manage to make a connection to Canterlot, I think I accidentally linked the mirror to some alternate version of the city, but fortunately since it doesn’t seem to have another portal in it, the teleporter hasn’t created a connection yet.”

Spike responded, "Ignoring the fact that other dimensions actually exist, are you saying that you just managed to make a gateway to one while you were playing around with a big piece of glass? Since when is that even possible?"

"Since three hours ago apparently. Regardless, try not to touch it or anything."

“Yeah, it might be awkward to be stuck in another dimension,” said Spike as he noticed the mirror’s surface start to warp and crackle with electricity, “But I think you should turn that thing off before it explodes again.”

Twilight nodded towards the dragon and sent a stream of magic towards the portal, though instead of shrinking the portal, it actually seemed to increase its size.

“Princess, something’s happening!” yelled Apple Bloom, as she and the other Crusaders started to slide towards the portal. Spike tried to grab her, but the fillies were moving too fast and were sucked into the mirror.

“Twilight Sparkle, get them back now!” screamed Spike as he ran towards the mirror. She immediately sent another stream of magic into the portal and grunted with effort. “I got a hold on something, I’ll try pulling them back!” After a minute of effort, she used her magic to drag three foal sized bundles through the portal just as the connection collapsed and the mirror disintegrated.

Spike moved to inspect the unconscious forms, and quickly discovered that something was wrong. While the objects were foals, and looked remarkably similar to the Crusaders, on closer observation they were all remarkably, and in some ways, freakishly, different. The first, and the only normal looking pony was a yellow earth-pony colt with a black mane and a bloodied syringe for a cutie mark. Besides some strange blue markings around the hooves, and his wearing a lab coat, he seemed the same as any other colt.

The second foal, a white colored unicorn, was like nothing the dragon had ever seen, having strips of metal attached to various parts of his body, and a completely robotic looking eye. These features matched his grim looking cutie mark, a leering skull with jagged pieces of steel sticking out of it.

The final colt, though having no cutie mark, was even stranger than the second, so much so that Spike hesitated to think of him as a pony at all. He was a pegasus with an orange coat and a purple mane, but after that his biology took a sharp turn for the strange. Where a normal pony would have hooves, this colt seemed to have razor sharp claws, as well as serrated teeth replacing the usual front molars.

Knowing that Twilight would probably explode if she noticed their peculiarities, Spike ran towards a loose floorboard, under which Spike had hidden a syringe of Alicorn, and as he had recently learned, hydra, strength sedative.

“Twilight, look behind you!” he yelled at the Princess. Twilight, on the verge of a mental breakdown from recent events, turned around, thus giving Spike an opening to run behind her and shove the syringe in her flank, knocking her out almost instantly.

With the castle momentarily peaceful, Spike assessed the situation: unconscious Princess, unconscious foals, ruined castle, and the fillies trapped in another dimension with their only way home destroyed. All in all, it looked pretty bad. So, with all other options exhausted, the dragon went to go do the only productive thing he could think of, make himself some coffee.

He had a feeling he was going to need it.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile in another universe. . .

Archmagi Dark Star and Timothy Lulamoon stared in silent horror at the three unconscious fillies in front of their destroyed dimensional portal. After they managed to overcome to overcome their shock, the two friends turned to each other and voiced what they had both been thinking for the last twenty minutes, “Poison Pie is going to kill us.”

Author's Note

This story is unedited, so corrections are appreciated.

Chapter Two - With Blood and Soap

My theory that Spike was going to try and exact some small minded revenge for our behavior turned out to be correct. After princess purple told us to leave her alone, he herded us to a broom closet, (Which was make of crystal) handed us mops (also made of crystal), and ordered us to get cleaning.

This made the next two hours unpleasant. Apparently the whole castle needed cleaning, since it had recently caught on fire, (How does crystal even catch on fire?) and so we were supposed to scrub the smoke stains of off every bloody square inch of it.

Not that I didn’t have a lot of experience cleaning up after major disasters, mind you. It’s just that normally they’re disasters that I caused in the first place. Solving someone else’s problem just seemed wrong.

Off to my side Stealthaloo dropped his mop and started growling. Walking up to Spike, he snarled, “I think we’ve spent enough time on this, don’t you, Spike?”

Spike, watching impassively, said, “What makes you think that?”

“Because I assume you have to check up on your boss at some point. You don’t want her to blow up the castle again, do you?”

Spike considered a moment and answered, “I suppose you’re right. Feel free to rest until I get back. That goes for all three of you.”

As soon as he had left hearing range, Stealthaloo wheeled on me. “This is all your fault Mourning Bell!” he raged, “Barring that you antagonized that stupid dragon, it was your idea to start messing around with Dark Star’s portal!”

“Well you’re the one who thought it would be such a good idea to search his house!” I snapped back.

Apple Thorn stepped between me and Stealthaloo and shoved us away from each other. “Why don’t both of you settle down and,-” He started before Stealthaloo interrupted him.

“Shut up you stupid peasant!” he yelled, “I am sick and tired of listening to you, and in fact, I’m tired of your whole disgusting family!”

Apple Thorn glared, “You’d better real careful how ya talk about my family.”

“Feeling sensitive are we? And I think I might know why. We all know the Apple clan is big, but how big is it really? With your older brother’s reputation as such a, lady's man, it might be larger than anyone suspects. You might even have a whole slew of nephews that you don’t know about. Ponies, half griffons, and maybe even,” Stealthaloo paused a moment, before almost purring out the next word. “Changelings.”

As soon as Stealthaloo mentioned changelings, Apple Thorn barred his teeth, and looked so furious that is he got any angrier, I honestly thought he was going to have an aneurysm.

I will not let Stealthaloo treat him like this. We’re supposed to be friends, and I refuse to have some fat purple lizard drive us apart.

“Cut that out Stealthaloo,” I said, having decided to talk him down, “After all, isn’t is a bit hypocritical of you insult Apple Thorn’s family, when you have so many problems with your own? It must have been hard being a pegasi aristocrat when you were born with absolutely no magic, not even able to walk in a cloud house, much less ever hope to fly. But I bet all that was nothing in comparison to all the difficulties you’re having now with them since turning into a Federate hybrid, am I right?”

OK, I admit that about a quarter a way through my little speech, I had pretty much forgotten about making our problem better, and had instead, mocked of him in ways that made his treatment of Apple Thorn look polite.

As such, Stealthaloo did not look happy about my choice in words. Though I have been informed that Federate hybrids don’t eat ponies like normal Federates do, (hybrids are ponies with Federate DNA spliced into them so it would technically be cannibalism) judging from the expression on his face, any doubt I had about the issue was going to be solved in approximately five seconds while he beat me to death with my own spinal cord.

He screamed and jumped on me like a wildcat, raking me with his claws and trying to get a grip on me with his fangs. Then Applethorn tackled us both, and soon any thought of peaceful resolution was gloriously destroyed in an epic free-for-all. After all, what was some mindless violence among friends?

Still, as I pummeled Stealthaloo with my forelegs I couldn’t help wonder if those fillies, the something or other crusaders were doing any better.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

“This could not have come at a worse time”

Timothy Lulamoon halted his examination of the broken Rift Portal and turned to the speaker. “Come again?” he asked.

“I said,” repeated Dark Star, Archmagus of the Union and element of magic, “that this could not have come at a worse time. With so many resources needed for the Changeling and Federate civil wars, and such tense relations with the Griffons, we simply do not have time to deal with this. As much as I hate admitting to my mistakes, we’re going to need help on this one.”

“I know. And to think that all this nonsense was caused by some old machine that we haven’t used in years,” Lulamoon sulked. “I knew we should have destroyed it.”

“It seems obvious in hindsight doesn’t it?” Dark Star mused. “Anyway, what do you think we should do now?”

“I don’t know. We should probably start by calling the Desperado’s relatives; we don’t want them mad at us later. But to be honest, the only one we know who really knows how Rift Gates work is Lord Poison Pie, and he’s going to be in the Autocracy for the next two weeks. Besides, I’d rather he not find out about this.”

“I understand your concern but we need to contact him anyway. He’s going to figure out what happened sooner or later, and he’ll be less angry if we tell him first.” Dark Star shuddered, “And trust me, you do not want to see him angry. He’s not the Alicorn of Terror for nothing.”

"You’re right. But diverting to less important matters, what do you intend to do about,” Lulamoon waved his hoof in the direction of the three still unconscious fillies, “That? Are you sure they’re alternate versions of the Desperadoes?”

“Positive.” answered Dark Star. “My genetic scans confirm that accounting their obvious differences, they’re virtually identical. As for what to do with them, I suppose we can have my servants look after them like I did for the colts; I barely have enough time to get a decent night’s rest these days, much less babysit fillies.”

“It does seem like our best idea for now. But I’m worried that if we call Poison, he’ll have the UID take them into custody. And I don’t want the Secret Police anywhere near them.”

Dark Star sighed, “Neither do I. But for the moment I just can’t see any other options.”

Suddenly, the air in front of them started to warp, and the two stallions stared in confusion at the newly formed dimensional rift that had appeared at the other end of the room.

Dark Star slowly walked to the rift and prodded it with his hoof. The rift rippled like water at the touch, but did not let his hoof pass like a true liquid.

Not turning away from the rift, Dark Star said, “Lulamoon, I see another option.”

Chapter Three - Past Tense

"Why did I kill? Well, the money was nice, but mostly it was because I could."

From an interview with "Suicide" Scarcity, First Auditor of the Union and Element of Determination.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

As Spike walked towards the crystal throne room to check up on Twilight’s progress, he took a moment to collect his thoughts about these “Destiny Mark Desperadoes”.

Though his decision to put them to work cleaning the castle had been partially motivated by spite, and because he didn’t want to clean it himself, it was mostly to see what their personalities were like. And after supervising them for several hours, Spike had decided that they were absolutely nothing like the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

For starters, while Apple Bloom was honest and hardworking, Apple Thorn seemed to avoid work if at all possible, and lied frequently to do it. From “My hoof hurts” to “I accidently shattered my mop” his supply of excuses was endless. And yet, he was the least worrisome of the three.

The second colt, Mourning Bell, was a complete jerk. He insulted Spike at every opportunity, made attempts to trip him over and hurt him in other ways and to make it look like an accident, and even tried to sabotage his own work so that Spike would have to do it himself. Very different from the usually kind Sweetie Belle.

But Stealthaloo, the last one, was different than the others. He never complained, spoke little, and completed his cleaning as quickly and efficiently as possible. But for some reason, he gave off an ominous feeling that Spike couldn’t quite define, and not just because of his appearance. There was just something . . . wrong about him. Like his very existence violated the fundamental tenants of harmony.

Yes, Spike was going to keep a very close eye on those three, even if they were just colts. After all, somebody had to be the responsible one around here.

When he reached the throne room, he found Twilight was huddled over a stack of papers, muttering to herself all the while. Making sure not to startle her, Spike tapped her on the shoulder and asked, “Getting absorbed in our work again Twilight?”

She jumped a bit before looking up from her research and replying, “Actually I was almost done. But weren’t you supposed to be looking after the colts? I’m not sure it’s a good idea to leave them unsupervised.”

Spike chuckled, “It’s probably not. I bet that as soon as I walked out of listening range they either started making plans to kill me, or tearing into each other like rabid chimeras. Or both at the same time. But I just needed to make sure you were doing alright. Just in case the stress was getting to you again.”

Twilight smiled bashfully, “Thanks Spike. I appreciate it. But before you go, is there anything else you needed?”

“Yeah there is.” Spike answered. “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been all that curious about our extradimensional visitors, even though they could tell you about places and history that you’ve never heard of. Not to mention that one has metal inside him, another looks like a half-demon, and you haven’t tried to examine either of them. It all seems so unlike you.”

“You’re right, I do want to learn about them. But I can’t do that until I get the crusaders back. I am the princess of friendship now.” She replied while scooping up her notes in her magic “What kind of friend would I be if I let my friends little sisters rot in some other dimension while I did research? And besides, there's going to be time for that later.”

Spike nodded in agreement. Reflecting on the situation, thought about all the progress Twilight Sparkle had made since coming to Ponyville. Where once she would have either collapsed into a neurotic mess or gone on a scientific binge, she now worked tirelessly to help her friends. She was truly worthy of being a princess.

Twilight walked to the middle of the room and started to prepare her magic. “Spike, I’m going to need you to go get the colts now. I'm ready to begin my solution.”

Spike started to leave, but then doubled back and asked, “You never did mention exactly what you were doing. Would you mind explaining what it is so I can be prepared?” And by prepare, he meant hide under a table.

“Well, while I can’t replicate the mirror without more materials and a couple months’ time, I can cast a sort of “half portal”. That way if there’s somepony on the other side, they’ll be able to complete it. And while the connection won’t be stable enough to send anything through we will be able to talk.”

After a moment of consideration the dragon responded, “So you’re saying that we will be able to talk to whoever’s on the other side but not actually solve the problem?”

“Not exactly, but we will be able to make sure the Crusaders are alright. And getting them back will be much easier with ponies working on it from both sides.” She gave him a nudge towards the exit. “I think you should get the colts. It would be best if they were here for this.”

When Spike left she started to charge her horn in preparation for the spell. As she released the charge, Twilight felt a surge of happiness at pushing the boundaries of magical research. After all, friendship may be magic, but magic would always be her oldest friend.

The magic surged out from her and clawed its way through the boundaries between realities, crackling with lightning and leaving a faint smell of ozone. After winding its way into a jagged circle, the magic gave a flash and disappeared.

Twilight waited for about two minutes for somepony on the other side to respond before the magic roared back from the ether, forming an liquid-like oval in the air.

Soon the liquid parted to reveal a black coated stallion with two horns, one right above the other, inspecting her though the portal. Most likely whomever had finished her connection.

"Hello there," he said while sizing her up, "My name is Archmagus Dark Star, and I believe that you have something that rightfully belongs to me."
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

70 years later . . .

"You're lying."

I glared over the edge of my seat at one of my seven grandchildren clustered in front of me to hear my story. "What was that Iron Soul?"

The eldest grandson glared back at me. "You're lying, grandpa Mourning Bell, and I'm calling BS. Nothing that you said makes any sense. First off, how would you have any idea what anyone else was thinking? You're not a mind reader."

"And how would you know what that alicorn was doing with Dark Star?" Another of my rebellious youngsters chimed in. "As I recall, you were getting your face beaten in by Stealthaloo and grandpa Apple Thorn."

That was a bit of an awkward question. I knew what everyone had been thinking because Lord Viris, once know as Poison Pie, had done an investigation into the whole incident about five years later. And Viris very much could read minds.

"The Secret Police looked into the whole thing" I answered. "I also happened to win that fight."

"I'm sure you did grandpa," leveled Iron Soul, "but what about that whole bit with you getting switched with the fillies? It's a little hard to believe that Twilight just happened to try her spell at the same time you were goofing around with the portal. Far to much of a coincidence."

"Your right. Even if dimensional travel worked like that in the first place, which it doesn't, the odds of that happening are far to slim to ever actually happen. There was a lot more going on then just some freak coincidence. But you're going to have to wait to find out exactly what that was. Now do you want to hear the rest of the story?

My grandchildren glanced at each other and eventually nodded in agreement. This settled, I continued where I had left off.

Chapter Four - Strained Reunions

"Dark Star is different than the other Elements of Victory, in that he's the only one of them who goes out of his way not to hurt people. Not that he doesn't if he feels that he really needs to. But he usually feels bad about it later."

Statement taken from Splendid Voice, Sister to Dark Star, wife of Lord Equinox, and official spokesmare for the Department of Communication.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

As I lay exhausted on the floor of the crystal palace, bruised, cut in many places, and flanked by Stealthaloo and Apple Thorn who were in similar states, my mind turned to the wonders of cybernetic enhancement. With the strength of titanium in my bones and nano-machines in my blood, I was far more durable than the average pony. Not to mention the thermal and infrared vision that my mechanical eye gave me. So, all in all, I had done pretty well for myself while I was fighting my friends.

Of course with Stealthaloo being a Federate hybrid, and Apple Thorn's genetic engineering, they did pretty well for themselves too.

"Void, my head hurts," groaned Steathaloo to my left, "Darn it Mourning Bell, why do you have to hit so hard?" He tried to get up before flinching back in pain. "Couldn't you have held back for the sake of our friendship of something?"

I chuckled and hauled myself to my feet, dusting myself off and offering Stealthaloo a hoof to help himself up. "No I couldn't do that. My older brother told me that violence is the solution to every problem, and I'm trying to follow his advice. After all, aren't you upper class types all about respecting your elders and stuff?"

"Yeah, but we make an exception when they're completely psychotic. After all, you don't see me taking advice from General Bloodfury do you?"

Just then, Apple Thorn popped up to my side, seemingly recovered from hid ordeal. "But Mourning's kind of right. For instance, when Diamond Drill and Silver Finish were bullying us, what was our solution?"

Stealthaloo, looked at Apple Thorn with disdain, knowing that responding to him would probably lead to a stupid conversation, but unable to keep himself from doing so.

"We hired Federate mercenaries to beat up their parents."

"Exactly, we used violence." Apple Thorn beamed. "And what did our various caretakers do when they found out that we stole Scarcity's money to hire mercenaries?"

"They belted us so hard that we couldn't sit down for a week." Stealthaloo answered cautiously.

"More violence!" At this point Apple Thorn looked happy enough to burst into a song and dance routine. "Now do you feel mad at Mourning Bell for mocking your condition?"

The hybrid paused to scratch his chin a moment before stating, "No. Not really."

"See? Violence has solved this glaring flaw in our beautiful friendship!" His expression grew to a wide smile that would not look out of place on a knife wielding serial killer about to engage in their favorite activity. "And so I'm sure that in following days, we shall find a way for violence to enrich our lives again, just like it always has!"

Stealthaloo looked pensive and nodded. "Fair enough I suppose. But let's put off discussing this till later. I think fatso is heading here now." He said, motioning in the direction of the corridor, where footsteps could be heard approaching.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Several minutes later we entered the castle's main chamber, where we saw Twilight discussing something with Dark Star though, what I guessed, was a dimensional portal. I guess I could be wrong since I've never seen one before, but honestly; it was a big shimmery disk hanging in the air, that people were using to talk to each other from across separate dimensions. What else could it be?

Regardless, this probably meant that I could go back to civilization and away from these annoying barbarians. And though I've only met two of them, and so cannot really judge their society based on a few yahoos I happened to meet, I somehow doubted their friends were any better.

"Ah, I see you're here." It seems Dark Star had noticed our arrival.

Now, before I continue, let me take a moment to describe Dark Star. Physically, he is a medium sized stallion with a midnight black coat and dark blue mane. These are his more normal aspects that any pony might share. But like many of the Emperor's chief servants, his biology was . . . different most people's. For starters, his eye color, was, instead of the bland, monochromatic hue most ponies have, a rainbow. Dancing with a million hues, it was a thin veneer, covering a maelstrom of mind-shattering magic. Even more strange was that he had two horns instead of one, the first right above the second, as if one horn was incapable of channeling his power. His skin occasionally pulsed with some unknown force. I'd never been able to discover the reason, but I've heard rumors that when his skin is cut, he spills out raw energy instead of blood.

All in all, he was a freak. A powerful freak, and undoubtedly one of the most powerful magicians in history, but a deformed freak nonetheless. And yet, he was by far the most normal looking of the six element bearers.

He also seemed upset. "You three have no idea how disappointed I am in you. I explicitly told you idiots not to enter my basement, and even padlocked the door shut and wired it to an encoded terminal to make my point. Despite that, the first thing you did when I turned my back for a minute was pick the lock, hack the computer, and mess around with a dangerous piece of technology." He snorted in anger and we wilted under his gaze. The way he put it made us seem like juvenile delinquents. I just hoped he would shut up soon.

"And may I remind you that we are at war?" Dark Star continued to lecture. "The situation has been bad enough since we got involved in the Changeling and Federate civil wars, bad enough that I don't have the time or resources to bring you back right now."

Nope, it looked like he was going to keep blabbing for a while. He tended to do that once he . . . what was that about not bringing us back home?

Author's Note

I was going to make this chapter longer, but I didn't because Lyme disease.

Also, corrections are appreciated.

Chapter Five - The New Normal

"Loyalty has no limits."

Attributed to General Storm Front, Element of Loyalty, before his destruction of the Crystal Empire.

Twilight Sparkle was in shock. When she had created the half portal to the other dimension, she had expected it to solve her problem and bring the Crusaders home. But from what this Dark Star said, that wouldn't be possible for while.

Clearing her throat, Twilight asked in her most Princess-like voice "And when exactly when will you be able to return the fillies to me?"

Dark Star locked his strange, rainbow colored eyes onto hers. "About two weeks. That's when our resident expert on dimensional travel returns from his foreign trip. After he gets back he should be able to deal with this."

"Isn't there anything else that can get them back sooner?"

"No." Dark Star folded back his ears slightly before continuing. "I'm honestly sorry about all of this but it really is the best I can do. Look, just keep the colts safe and I'll do the same for your people. There's no reason we can't be civilized about all this. And just in case something goes wrong on my side, I want you to rebuild your portal if at all possible. While it won't it won't open a path to my dimension on its own, it will make doing so considerably easier."

"Now for the last thing I'm going to do before I go." Dark Star glared at the Desperadoes. "As much as you three deserve to be punished for causing this, I should probably give you some information on your new home for the next few weeks. Just so you won't hurt yourselves too badly."

Apple Thorn started to wave his fore-hoof in the air to get Dark Stars attention. "Hold up a second there. How do you know anything about this dimension at all? I've heard rumors the U.I.D. does inter-dimensional surveys occasionally, but you don't work for them."

Giving a small nod of acknowledgement, the arch-magi began to levitate papers with his magic. "That's true, but I don't need to. I called Secret Police headquarters, and had them fax me any information they had on this dimension when I found out where you were. Granted, I'm going to have to explain to Poison Pie why I wanted this information when he gets back, but I'll just have to deal with that when the time comes. However," Dark Star flicked his tail in nervousness, "The initial report was done by a Federate survey team, not a U.I.D. one. Adding to the fact that they were rushed for time, it may be a little incomplete."

"I'm not really sure how comfortable I am to hear that foreign soldiers have been running around Equestria." said Twilight.

"Oh don't worry about it. They didn't eat anyone important." Although Twilight looked anything but reassured.

Dark Star said "Twilight should probably be able to tell you more than me, but since the alternate versions of the Elements of Victory all live in this town, I'll just stick to telling you who they are."

Burying his nose in his notes, Dark Star began to speak. "Let's see . . . the first one on my list is Rainbow Dash. She's in charge of the local weather and aspires to be some sort of athlete. She is also Ponyville's version of General Storm Front."

Stealthaloo spoke up. "Can you give us anything else?"

"Yes. She's arrogant, annoying, and never shuts up."

"Is your "Storm Front" any different?" asked Twilight.

"Well," began Stealthaloo, "He's certainly arrogant and annoying, but he doesn't talk much. He likes to make his words count."

"Moving on." interrupted Dark Star. "Next we have the alternate version of General Bloodfury, Fluttershy. From what I can tell she's a complete pushover who takes care of animals. Also not a vampire like Bloodfury so you're not likely to get eaten if you piss her off."

Mourning Bell grinned faintly. "Glad we won't be walking on eggshells like we do when we're around Bloodfury. Because I once saw that psychopath suck a deserter to a husk in three seconds. It was horrifying."

"You don't have to tell me, I work with the guy." Dark Star shuddered and stuck his tongue out slightly before regaining his composure.

"Then there's the alternate version of me who is . . . Princess Twilight Sparkle. Since she's standing right next to you I suppose introductions are pointless."

"What about my brother's clone? Do her next." Pouted Apple Thorn.

"First, she's not a clone. Second, Applejack's other self is named, uh, Applejack. I'd give you details, but the description just says "Apples" in bold font. I suppose you'll have to find out for yourself."

Apple Thorn let out a sigh. "Well that doesn't bode well."

"After that, there's Rarity, the mirror self of Scarcity. A clothing designer and socialite, she seems obsessed with etiquette and appearances. So basically she's everything Scarcity hates."

"Let's just hope for the sake of my health that she's not as vindictive as my brother." Commented Mourning Bell. "There's a reason why the Federates nicknamed him "Vendetta."

"And last but least we have the other version of Poison Pie, Pinkie Pie. A baker who appears to be obsessed with parties, she was neither born soulless, or transformed into an alicorn like Poison was, though she does have an incredible strength in earth pony strange magic, so I would advise you to expect the unexpected." Dark Star put down his notes and asked, "That's all for now. So, any questions?"

Twilight, who had been in shock since she heard the word "Vampire" simply stared with her mouth open. Which apparently pleased the arch-magi greatly.

"Excellent." he smirked. "Oh and by the way, since you will be taking care of these colts, I should probably let you know, if anything unfortunate happens to them while they are staying with you, their families will probably kill the Cutie Mark Crusaders. And also you. So try to take good care of them." With that, Dark Star gave a wave of his horns, and the portal disappeared in a flash, leaving a stunned Twilight and three unconcerned colts.

Hearing a light scraping noise, Twilight numbly turned around to see Steathaloo picking at his mouth full of saw-like teeth with his front claws. "So," he asked innocently, "Do you want to get something to eat?"

Author's Note

For those few who have been reading, you know the drill. I don't have an editor so if you feel like giving corrections than I'm all ears.

Chapter Six - New Faces

"Applejack is proof that cybernetic enhancement doesn't damage a person's soul like some have claimed. Instead, being maimed and rebuilt seems to have motivated him to reevaluate his life and try to become a better pony. Not that he won't squash you like a bug if you threaten the Union. That's just patriotism."

-Quote taken anonymously from a minor government bureaucrat when asked about his opinions on Applejack: Element of Honesty and Secretary of Development.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Home dimension of the DMD

Royal Changeling Alliance (Rebel Territory)

Soresu Province

In one of the more high class districts of Soresu, two stallions ate dinner together in upscale restaurant, standing out from the changelings that made up most of the clientele. The dim glow of the overhead lights glistened faintly off the cybernetic legs of the first, highlighting a body that was almost halfway mechanical. Glancing around the room the stallion saw a few changelings dart their heads away from him, awkwardly trying to avoid getting caught staring at the two ponies.

Not that the first one minded. Looking down at his body through his red cybernetic eyes, he idly noticed the sharp contrast between the metal of his mechanical legs and the orange hair of his body. It was certainly quite the sight, he mused while chuckling faintly to himself.

"Is something funny?" shaking himself out of his daze, the first one noticed that the second had spoken.

Applejack looked up into the face of Scarcity and cringed internally. Despite working with Scarcity for years, Applejack had never quite gotten over his more distinct features. Though Scarcity had once been fairly handsome, in his current state he looked, as Mourning Bell liked to say when he's sure his older brother wasn't listening, like he had fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

He was a white coated stallion who was freakishly emaciated, almost a walking skeleton, with his ribs almost completely outlined and shriveled legs that looked like knobby sticks. His face was equally skeletal, skin stretched tight like a drum over his skull, all only serving to highlight his empty eye-sockets, perpetually separating him from the so called "normal" people in the world.

Not that any of this affected his ability to see or get around. If anything, his condition had actually improved his strength, stamina, and ability to see.

Suddenly Scarcity levitated a fork with his magic and rapped against one of Applejack's cybernetic eyes, interrupting his internal monologue.

"Hey wake up Applejack!" Scarcity demanded, "I just asked what you found so amusing. Was it that changeling we had executed earlier today?"

"Not at all," retorted Applejack. "I was just thinking about how ugly you are. And no one finds executions funny but you. Most people actually prefer not to hurt others if at all possible."

Scarcity then scrunched his face into en expression that Applejack assumed was annoyance. It was hard to tell what expressions were supposed to mean on a person without eyes.

"Hey," Scarcity snapped back, "Since the changeling rebels are using our money and weapons to fight their war the Emperor has the right to know what they're using it for. So when one of them starts embezzling our money, it's perfectly acceptable to have them dealt with."

"Yeah but did you have to stab him though the eye with a pencil?"

"I am the First Auditor of the Union, and I found a way to kill him that didn't waste money on bullets." Scarcity sneered. "Excuse me for actually doing my job."

Applejack growled in response, "What exactly is that supposed to mean?"

The Auditor put his front hooves on the table and stuck his face forward in a menacing fashion. "It means that if you spent as much time working as you do-" whereupon he was interrupted by a faint buzzing from the black duster he was wearing.

He raised a hoof. "Hold on, I'm getting a text message."

Levitating a phone out of his duster with his magic the white stallion read the message. As he read his eyelids twitched strangely which Applejack figured was a holdover from the days when he actually had eyes.

"So what is it?" Applejack inquired, "Did Dark Star get his horns stuck in a power socket again?"

"Nothing so pleasant I'm afraid. Our younger brothers are trapped in another dimension," Scarcity responded dryly.

"What!" Applejack shouted, getting partially out of his seat as he did so. "What dimension is it? Why aren't you mad?"

"Quiet down, we're in a restaurant." Scarcity gave a dismissive wave. "Besides, it's one of those 'sugar-bowl' dimension as Poison Pie likes to put it. I'm almost as worried about what our brothers might do to the natives as about what the natives might do to them. I love Mourning Bell, I really do, but he can be a bit of a hoof-full."

"How did they get there anyway?"

"Apparently Dark Star had a mothballed dimensional gate locked in his basement, and our brothers managed to reactivate it."

"Well that's just great." Applejack said while slouching back into his chair. "What are we going to do about this?"

Scarcity shrugged. "There's not much we realistically can do. Until we complete our business here we can't go back no matter how much danger our brothers are in. And as much as I hate to say it, there's a lot riding on our meeting with those uncommitted rebel factions. Enough to make it more important than our family."

Though it didn't make him feel any better, Applejack knew that Scarcity was basically correct. When the rebellion against the Changeling monarchy had been orchestrated two years ago by so called "freedom fighters" (actually a collection of ruthless syndicates and corporations, but Applejack wasn't about to dispute Union propaganda) some of them had been more willing to accept Union assistance than others. Scarcity and Applejack were here to bring the reluctant groups on board, which could substantially help the Union war effort.

Pounding his hoof on the table Applejack demanded angrily, "Is there anything we can do?"

"Of course, we have plenty of options." Scarcity gave Applejack a patronizing smile before levitating his menu up. "I'm personally going to order the penne in a salmon sauce, how about you?"

Author's Note

Sorry about the delay, but my life has been very chaotic lately.

If you have questions, feel free to ask. If you have corrections, I'd like to hear them.

This chapter was edited by the brilliant Nameless Narrator. Check out his work.

Chapter Seven - Questions

It may surprise you to learn that out of all of the Emperor's closest servants, Bloodfury has the highest raw IQ. The guy can do quantum physics in his head and can perfectly quote classical literature at the drop of a hat. He could probably revolutionize any industry he chose to go into. But that's not going to happen. He doesn't want to change the world, he wants to hurt people. Talk about wasted potential.
Quote taken from -name redacted by order Lord-Director Poison Pie-.

The crystal castle wasn't really that bad. It was certainly different than what Apple Thorn was used to, but in a good way. The food that Twilight let them have was actually fresh instead of that pre-packaged or frozen stuff most people ate in the Union. The architecture was a little more girly than he would have liked but it had a certain spark to it that it didn't back home. Apple Thorn liked brick and concrete as much as the next guy but also wished his countrymen would at least consider adding some variety to their buildings.

Though Apple Thorn was doing fairly well so far, considering the circumstances, he was a little worried about his friends. Out of the three of them, Mourning Bell seemed to be taking it the worst. Since his arrival he had become increasingly agitated, and had stormed off to the top of the palace to sulk about half an hour ago. While this wasn't terribly abnormal behavior for him, it still made Apple Thorn worry about what Mourning would do if he had to stay for much longer.

In contrast, Stealthaloo was well behaved, but Apple Thorn had seen him give some of the natives some odd looks out of the corner of his eye. The kind that Apple Thorn imagined serial killers make before they murder people in excruciating ways. Than again, maybe it's just because Steatlthaloo hadn't had lunch yet.

In any case, Twilight Sparkle had brought all of the other elements over to discuss the current situation and was currently talking with them in the throne room. In the meantime, she had given Apple Thorn and Stealthaloo something to eat, and shuffled them off to the the library.

That led to their current situation, He and Stealthaloo were currently sitting at some table in Twilight's library, Apple Thorn thinking in silence while Stealthaloo perused some books. He was currently engrossed in some sort of work about history, though what he could possibly find so interesting about the history of some extra-dimensional primitives was a mystery to Apple Thorn.

"Hey," he asked Stealthaloo, tapping on the table to get his attention. "What are you reading about that's so interesting?"

Stealthaloo lowered the tome away from his face giving Apple Thorn a conceited smirk in the process. "Oh, I'm just looking up some of the differences between our dimension and this one. And I have to say I've found some interesting stuff."

"Like what?"

His grin became even wider in response. "If I had to use one word to describe their history it would be "boring". They had a whole thousand year period where basically nothing happened. The local version of our emperor Helios, princess Celestia, doesn't seem to be quite as ambitious as he is. So on the whole things are fairly peaceful around here."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Maybe I'll explain later, if I feel like it, but for the moment we have more important things to discuss."

Narrowing his eyes in suspicion, Apple Thorn coldly asked, "Like what?"

Bringing his head closer to Apple Thorn, Stealthaloo spoke in an icy manner, his voice completely devoid of its former faux cheerfulness. "This is important. I have checked the room to make sure we are not being listened to and we are not. Do not repeat what I am about to say to anyone else. Do you understand?"

Apple Thorn leaned back in his seat and straitened his lab coat nervously. Taking a moment to get his bearings, he answered hesitantly, "OK, I get the point. Just tone it down a little, all right?"

"No." Stealthaloo deadpanned. "Everything you just witnessed in relation to the dimensional portal has been a lie. Dimensional travel does not work through machines like we just we just saw, and it most certainly could never work through something originally designed to be a teleporter. Someone deliberately brought us here, and made it look like an accident to both the princess and Lulamoon. Now, do you have any questions?"

Seemingly unfazed by Stealthaloo's revelations, Apple Thorn answered, "Yeah I do. Are you going to finish that apple?" he said while pointing to a half eaten apple that had been left over from lunch lying near Stealthaloo's side of the table that they were both sharing.

Stealthaloo's left eye twitched and his mouth fell open. He closed it and opened again a few more times before slamming his head onto the table and mumbling something to himself in Federate. Now Apple Thorn had never studied the Federate language before, but he had picked up a couple of words over the years. Suffice it to say, he was pretty sure that Stealthaloo was cussing him out.

Feeling content with himself, Apple Thorn skipped merrily over to Stealthaloo and gave him a hearty pat on the back. "There, there. Don't feel so bad. I'll ask you a real question now. I notice you only mentioned Lulamoon and Twilight Sparkle in the list of people that our mysterious dimension hopper was trying to fool. Not Dark Star. Why is that?"

After slowly peeling his face off of the table, Stealthaloo finally answered. "First of all, void you. You're a flank-hole, your sister's a skank, and your brother looks like a discount washing machine."

"Secondly, you're right. To send something even as small a golf ball to other dimensions like he has been doing, Dark Star would need at least rudimentary knowledge of how dimensional portals operate. He's probably been lying to Lulamoon to keep the secret police happy. After all, the UID does not like it when people go blabbing their secrets. I suspect the reason he told the princess to rebuild that weird teleporter thing was to keep her busy until Poison Pie gets back from visiting the United Federate Autocracy in two weeks and can sort everything out. He probably made that portal he used to talk to us all by himself."

"Now," he let out a deep breath and glared at Apple Thorn, "do you have any other questions? And if they're about lunch again I swear I'm going to claw your eyes out."

Giving Stealthaloo a pouting look, Apple Thorn returned to his chair, having sneaked Stealthaloo's apple into his coat while his friend was having an intimate moment with the table.

After getting comfortable, he let his ears droop, gave a melancholic sigh and asked, "Yeah I got one, who do you think did this to us?"

"That's a good question. They would have had to been able to access to Dark Star's house, which incredibly warded as it is was why we were staying there in the first place, and have sufficient knowledge of dimensional science to bring us here." Taking a moment to pause, he pursed his lips like he had just swallowed something sour, and spat out, "Which means that whoever did this is a high ranking member of the UID. And since Poison Pie would never authorize something like this, they have either gone rogue or are a griffin spy."

For the first time since they had arrived into backwater dimension, Apple Thorn felt a stab of fear in his heart. While the inner workings of the Secret Police had always been, well, secretive, even he knew that the punishment for betraying them made execution look merciful by comparison. The only reason someone would knowingly do so anyway in such a brazen manner was that they had a lot to gain from this. Which means . . .

"Stealthaloo, we're in a lot of danger, aren't we?"

"Yes", he replied, giving a thin smile, "very much so."

Suddenly they were interrupted as they heard Twilight's voice. "Desperados! We're ready to see you now!"

Stealthaloo graced his friend with a smile, "It looks like that's our cue. Ready to go?"

"Alright but first, how did you know what that dragon's name was back there, you never heard it from anyone before you used it." Apple Thorn asked as they walked towards Twilight.

"Oh that," Stealthaloo waved a claw in the air dismissively, "Poison Pie has a dragon for an assistant back home who looks and sounds exactly the same way. I just guessed that they were the same guy despite lacking the weird gender change that everyone else here has, and I was right." But," Stealthaloo paused before giving a pensive expression which quickly turned to a cruel grin, "Don't tell Mourning Bell that. Let's tell him I'm psychic or something. It'll drive him crazy."

With that behind them, both friends laughed hysterically as they walked towards the throne room.

Author's Note

Sorry for the massive wait, but real life got in the way. This chapter was edited by Nameless Narrator, be sure to check out his work.

Chapter Eight - Iusem

Lieutenant Foggy Night walked along the streets of Iusem. As the youngish looking dark blue unicorn traversed the capital of the Imperial Equestrian Union, he couldn’t help but take a moment to reflect on its magnificence. Though not particularly ornate as capital cities go, at least in comparison to those he had seen in other dimensions, such as Canterlot or Griffinstone assuming they had not yet fallen, Iusem was nonetheless superior. Shining towers of glass and steel reached towards the sky, dominating the landscape as far as the eye could see. Off in the distance, factories churned out products, everything from to consumer goods to weapons and armor, all ready to be shipped wherever it needed to go by the city’s rail network. Iusem was not some beautiful but pointless monument to its leader’s ego like so many other cities he had seen. It was the beating heart of a mighty empire.

As Foggy Night walked further along the sidewalk many of the other pedestrians, everything from other ponies, zebras, buffalo, and more exotic things besides, all gave him a wide berth, parting around him as prey animals would before a predator. Though annoying, this was not unexpected, as he was wearing his full secret police uniform. Even though the Union Intelligence Department, or UID as they were more commonly called, did not arrest citizens on anonymous tips or for mere speech made in the privacy of their own homes as was known to happen in the Griffin lands, they still had a foul reputation.

Though as Foggy Night wryly noted, not everyone felt that way. The few Federates who passed him on the sidewalk made no move to make way for him. Instead the bipedal, flat faced creatures walked calmly through the crowded streets as the others pedestrians scrambled to avoid them, seemingly unconcerned by the fear and hatred blatantly displayed on the faces of all who passed by. Even Foggy Night made sure to stay out of their way.

As he finally neared his destination, the central UID headquarters of Iusem and thus the entire Union, one of the guards at the entrance held up a hoof for him to stop. “Give me papers and prepare to be searched. Any resistance will be met with lethal force.” The chief guard, a zebra sergeant in a standard black UID uniform droned out in a bored fashion, having obviously repeated the same phrase to everyone who passed by.

Foggy Night promptly handed over his papers to the sergeant who motioned two of his guards to search him. While most of the guards were ponies, Foggy Night noticed a Federate leaning against a wall next to the sergeant. Loosely carrying a heavy submachinegun and wearing the uniform of a private contractor, the mostly hairless ape-like creature stared emotionlessly at Foggy Night, deceptively passive looking. But Foggy Night new better, for he had seen whole cities crushed by armies of beings that looked exactly like this, all wearing the same emotionless mask as the one in front of him. Humanity’s bastard children were not to be underestimated.

Eventually the sergeant waved Foggy Night through, and he proceeded pass the guards as well as all of the hidden sensors and cameras that he knew were watching him. Moving farther through the base, and dealing with ever increasing security as he went, he reached a bland looking hallway with a single door at the end. All of it utterly unexceptional except for the fully armed and armored security team blocking the entrance.

As he approached the lead guard, who was as Foggy Night noticed at least a little enviously one of those ponies genetically modified by Federate DNA, the guard gruffly demanded he stop.

“What business do you have here lieutenant?” The hybrid unicorn growled out through his razor sharp teeth, his un-equine black and yellow eyes seeming to pierce Foggy Night’s very soul.

Foggy Night, who had at this point in his life, gone through this procedure hundreds of times, gave a crisp salute and levitated his identity papers out of his uniform’s pockets with his magic. “Sir. My name is Lieutenant Foggy Night and I was ordered to come here by Major Crossed Hilt. I don’t know the reason.”

After spending a minute staring at the Lieutenant’s papers, the hybrid nodded and stepped aside. “Yes, you are expected. Please enter Lieutenant. The Vice-Director is waiting for you now.”

The Vice-Director was waiting for him? That sure wasn’t usual. Vice-Director Hardstolt, whose authority was second only to Lord Director Poison Pie, did not usually arrange special meetings to speak with mere operatives. Even if they were as good at their jobs as Foggy Night was.

All of this made Lieutenant Night a little worried. He didn’t recall violating any UID regulations or laws, but he wasn’t completely sure. Though he probably wouldn’t be executed for a misunderstanding, the Lieutenant still didn’t relish the thought of being interrogated by Internal Affairs.

Mustering his courage, Foggy Night pushed open the door and walked inside. The room he entered was small with beige walls and a medium sized metal and plastic table in the center. At the head of the table sat Vice-Director Hardstolt, a hippogriff. One of the unique few creatures that came from a union between two species, and unlike the Federate Hybrids who were the mere result of horrifying genetic splicing, the hippogriff was a true descendant of both griffons and ponies. Even this would not be possible under normal circumstances. But then again, Alicorns always did make their own rules.

To the left of Harstolt sat an earth pony, a buffalo and a changeling, all wearing uniforms marking them as high ranking UID officers. To his right sat a Federate wearing the blue uniform of the Kand-da’Nost, one of the warring factions that had sprung up after the implosion of the United Federate Autocracy.

Lieutenant Foggy Night was in the presence of some of the most powerful people in the world. All of whom were here solely to speak with him.

At that moment he really wished that he had taken his father’s advice to become an architect.

“Ah, Lieutenant Foggy Night, I’m glad you’re here.” Hardstolt said in a surprisingly soft voice, giving a smile that was unsettlingly close to a smirk.

“Sit down, we have much to discuss.” And he pointed to a chair placed directly opposite the table to Hardstolt.

As the Lieutenant seated himself, Hardstolt brought a sheaf of papers from under the table and began to speak. “I realize this meeting is somewhat unorthodox, but I feel the circumstances warrant it. I hope you don’t mind.”

Not waiting for a response, he continued, “Several hours ago we received an urgent communication from Arch-Magus Dark Star, that three colts who were staying with him were removed from his house by means of a dimensional portal and replaced with counterparts of themselves. The counterparts, three un-augmented fillies, are currently being held in a secure area of this base.”

At this point Hardstolt’s face hardened and he growled out, “The security of Dark Star’s house was directly overseen by our organization. Only a high ranking member of the UID could have gotten away with this and escaped detection. Someone in this building is a traitor.”

Panicking, Foggy Night managed to stutter out, “I-I assure you sir, I had nothing to do with-”

“Yes I know.” Hardstolt interrupted. “We are completely certain that you had nothing to do with this outrage. That’s actually one of the reasons we called you here. Rest assured, if we did have reason to suspect you we would be having a completely different conversation. But for now, Colonel Thunder Hooves will continue your briefing.”

To his left, the buffalo nodded and gruffly spoke. “This situation could be a major political embarrassment for the UID. Two of the kidnaped colts were relatives of some of the Emperor’s direct subordinates. The other was the first Federate hybrid to ever be created. Losing him could be problematic.”

Pausing, Thunder Hooves leaned forward in his chair and stared intently at Foggy Night. “As you know, this organization has many enemies within our government. Many of them, especially those from Lord Equinox’s faction and the military, would love to have an opportunity to reduce our power.”

Snarling, the buffalo pounded his hoof on the table. “If they learn of this security breach, the Emperor Helios may be convinced to start favoring Lord Equinox over Lord Poison Pie. He may even,” Thunder Hooves lowered his voice to a whisper, “rescind our monopoly over dimensional travel.”

As soon as Thunder Hooves had finished, Harstolt slid over a packet of papers to Foggy Night and pronounced, “You have extensive experience in other-dimensional operations, excellent infiltration skills, and more importantly, there is absolutely no chance that you are responsible for the security breach. Since this is a surprisingly rare set of skills, we have chosen you to lead a special operations team, tasked with solving this problem.”

“Your orders are to travel to this alternate dimension and monitor the colts. While their safety is important your ultimate task it to monitor for signs of the traitor. Everything else is ultimately expendable.”

“And what about the natives?” Foggy Night asked.

“Irrelevant.” Then Hardstolt pointed a talon at the door. “You have your orders. Now go and see them through. You will be briefed on all relevant information before you leave.”

Foggy Night saluted and saw himself out. Though he was still nervous, there was now an undercurrent of excitement to that feeling.

His future was looking good.

Chapter One - Insulting Royalty

When I woke up, I felt like a Diamond Dog had been using me as its personal backscratcher. My head hurt, my mouth was dry, and I ached all over. The reason was obvious; I was hung over, and my friends and I had managed to break into Applejack’s hard cider supply again.

Hopefully Applejack hadn't found out yet, because the last time we got caught drinking his cider, he forced us watch to watch ten straight hours of laxative commercials as punishment. And let me tell you, it was grim.

My thoughts were interrupted when a voice said, “Hey Twilight, I think the robot colt is starting to wake up.”

Now that really annoyed me. I am a cyborg, not a robot, even though I am constantly mistaken as one, since most people are idiots. But I was felling charitable today, so I decided to teach this bozo the difference.

“Hey moron,” I started, “I’m a cyborg, not a robot. Robots are all metal and I’m mostly flesh. Though if you still don’t believe me you can come over here and kiss my meaty flank you loser!”

That would show him. Regardless, at this point I guessed it was time to open my eyes, (though technically my mechanical one was already open and I was just activating it) and find out who I just insulted.

When I looked up I discovered that I was in a large room, which seemed to be mostly made of crystal, with an annoyed looking purple Alicorn, and a baby dragon staring at me. This made me fairly certain that I wasn’t in the Union anymore, or the same planet for that matter.

You might ask how so little information could lead to so great a conclusion, but it really was all I needed. The first reason is, there was an Alicorn standing right in front of me who I didn’t know, and in the unlikely event another Alicorn was created since the last time I checked in my home world, Poison Pie, Director of the Emperor’s Secret Police and recently ascended Alicorn Lord, would have hunted her down and killed her as soon as he heard. Which, knowing him, would about be ten minutes before it actually happened.

My second reason was the architecture; Union buildings tended to be a lot less girly.

The Alicorn snorted, “Well just because you’re not feeling well doesn’t give you the right to be rude.”

She was right of course. I had the right to be rude just because I was me, regardless of how I was feeling! “Whatever. Oh, and I was wondering, who the void are you and how did I get here?”

She replied, “My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle and as to your question, what was the last thing you remember?”

At this question I turned my thoughts to the last couple of days. It started out when my friend Apple Thorn’s older brother Applejack, and my older brother Scarcity, were called away to the badlands on war business, and since they couldn’t let us stay by ourselves, we were going to stay at Dark Star’s house till they got back. And another friend of mine, Stealthaloo, was staying with us because . . . . well, I honestly didn’t know. Maybe he was fighting with his parents again.

Anyway, after a couple days, we found a strange machine in Dark Star’s basement. After investigating, we found a notebook that said it was prototype dimensional portal made by Dark Star and his lieutenant, Timothy Lulumoon. The book logged their use of the device, which after we got through the technical stuff, basically consisted of hitting golf balls at alternate versions of the Emperor Helios. So naturally, we decided to take part in this fun activity and started pushing buttons at random to get it working. Which come to think of it, might have something to do with how we got here. Of course I couldn’t tell this Twilight bimbo that. I was going to have to come up with an explanation that made us look a bit less idiotic.

“Well,” I began, “The last thing I remember is walking past a weird machine with dimensional portal written on it that sucked us in for absolutely no reason.”

“Ugh,” responded Apple Thorn, who had apparently just woken up, “I thought we got sucked in after we started fighting over its control panel.”

Twilight frowned at my comment, “You mean you three were playing with a dimensional machine? Why would you even do that?”

“Because we were bored.” I answered while turning around. “Hey Apple Thorn, is Stealthaloo awake yet?”

Stealthaloo, who had just gotten up, answered for him, “Yes I am, and I also noticed that it took you less than a minute since getting here to insult the local royalty. What exactly do you have to say for yourself?”

“Actually I didn’t insult the princess, I insulted her fat little minion!”

“What!” interjected said minion, "I’m not a fat minion; I’m the princesses’ number one assistant!"

“Correction,” deadpanned Stealthaloo, “You did not insult a princess. Instead, you insulted her personal secretary, who is capable of breathing fire, and chewing through diamonds. Your genius continues to astound me.”

“He has a point Mourning,” Apple Thorn drawled, “You’re a lot more polite to royalty back home.”

“Well of course I am. Royalty back home have huge Federate bodyguards, who will eat you if you’re rude to them.”

“How do you know the minion won’t eat ya?” responded Apple Thorn.

“For the last time, I’m not Twilight’s minion!” yelled the minion, “And I’m also not a cannibal!”

Stealthaloo turned to the dragon, “Actually it wouldn’t be cannibalism if you ate us Spike. It would only count if you ate another dragon.”

“That doesn’t make it any better.” Spike huffed before pausing and getting a confused look, “I didn’t tell you my name was Spike, how did you know?”

“That’s a secret,” grinned Stealthaloo, giving Spike a full view of his razor sharp teeth.

Actually, the lizard was right. How did Stealthaloo know his name? I guess I’d have to ask him later.

Twilight responded by grabbing Spike with her magic and putting him on her back. “Why don’t you three calm down and tell me exactly who you are?”

This seemed fair enough. After all, we had just barged into what I assumed was her house, and insulted her flunky.

“OK,” I began, “My name is Mourning Bell, the earth pony is Apple Thorn, the scary looking pegasus is Stealthaloo, and we are,” I said before my friends and I yelled in unison, “The Destiny Mark Desperadoes!”

Apple Thorn continued, “We stared our club to look for our destiny marks, but after we found them we decided to keep the name.”

Twilight looked thoughtful, “Just before you arrived three fillies named Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo got sucked through our portal. Do you think that you colts might be alternate versions of them?"

That does sound likely. With names like those it would be kind of a stretch to assume that we weren’t connected to them somehow. Though it’s hard to imagine how any filly could be nearly as awesome as I am.

“Just a second,” Apple Thorn said, “Where exactly is this portal of yours?”

At this question Twilight started to get nervous. “It’s um . . . the portal disintegrated.”

“Well that’s just great, how are we going to get back now?”

“Well,” Twilight replied, “I do have an idea, but I’m going to need some privacy to work on it. So Spike, why don’t you find something for these three to do?”

Spike looked like he was about to protest, but stopped himself, and started leering at me, while slowly growing a huge, evil smile.

It suddenly occurred to me that out next activity was probably going to be his attempt at petty revenge for my behavior.

I really shouldn’t have called him fat.