The Cookies Know All

by PaisleyPerson

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Tirek, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1966

Pinkie Pie is introduced to Chineighse food, and begins to take her fortunes a bit too seriously. Needless to say, hilarity ensues.

Pinkie Pie is introduced to Chineighse food, and begins to take her fortunes a bit too seriously. Needless to say, hilarity ensues.

Published 2015-05-16 06:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-16 06:10:02 UTC

The Cookies Know All

The Cookies Know All

“Come on, you guys! We’ve got to beat the crowd!” The technicolor blur of Rainbow Dash zoomed ahead.

“Girls, I do love our little lunch outings, but surely there’s some finer cuisine around than Chineighse?”

“Oh, come on, Rarity, it’s their grand opening,” Twilight nudged her. “Besides, Chineighse food is great! There were a couple restaurants I used to visit back in Canterlot. I’m so glad one finally opened up closer to home.”

“Well, I suppose if a princess can tolerate such dining, I shall as well.” Twilight rolled her eyes.

“Oooh! I’m so supercited! I’ve never had Chineighse food before!”

“Seriously?!” Rainbow had circled back to see what was taking so long.

“Nopie dopie lokie!”

“Well, you’re in for a treat,” the pegasus crossed her arms. “Chineighse is awesome.”

“I’m sure it’ll be nice,” Fluttershy quietly sighed.

“Nuthin’s as good as Granny’s home cookin’, but I’ll give it a go,” Applejack shrugged.

“We’re here! We’re here!” Pinkie vibrated with excitement. Just down the hill sat a newly constructed building. It was a humble little establishment but very traditional in appearance, with black walls, an upturned pagoda roof and small Chineighse lanterns hanging outside.

“Last one inside is a rotten spring roll!”

“That was some good grub,” Rainbow burped.

“Sure not Granny’s cookin’, but not bad, either,” Applejack pulled her hat over her eyes.

“I used to eat Chineighse all the time when I was a filly. This sure brought back memories,” Twilight put in.

“I suppose I wouldn’t mind to eat here again either,” Rarity resolved.

“Me either. Our waitress was so nice,” Fluttershy agreed.

“What did you think, Pinkie?”

“Huh?” Pinkie looked up, face still stuffed in a pile of noodles and rice.

“How do you have room for all that?!” Rainbow was more impressed than anything.

“What? It’s so good!”

“Well, save room for dessert, darling. The waitress should be back any minute now with the bill.”

“And you know what that means,” Rainbow grinned.

“What? What does it mean?” Pinkie’s eyes widened.

“Fortune cookies!” Twilight smiled. “Now that really does bring back memories. Shining Armor and I used to love reading our fortunes to each other and seeing if they’d come true.”

“Can they do that?!” Pinkie’s mouth fell agape, still stuffed with food.

“Of course not, Pinkie. It’s just a slip of paper. There’s no logical or scientific reason to believe that they will come true.”

“You said the same thing about my Pinkie Sense,” she accusingly pointed a hoof, eyes narrow.

“That’s different,” Twilight defended.

“Oh, look. Here she is. Thank you, darling,” Rarity nodded kindly to the waitress, who dropped off their bill and six fortune cookies.

“Girls, why don’t we all read our fortunes together? Like you used to do with your brother, Twilight,” Fluttershy quietly suggested.

“Great idea, ‘Shy. Who’ll go first?” AJ asked.

“I’ll go!” Rainbow volunteered. She took a cookie off the tray and cracked it open. “‘Victory is in your near future.’ Aw, yeah!”

“‘Your true love is just around the corner.’ Well, here’s to hoping!” Rarity toasted.

“‘Family is the most important thing in your life.’ Well, can’t argue there,” Applejack confessed.

“‘Success is the fruit of hard work,’” Twilight approvingly nodded.

“‘Random acts of kindness bring happiness to others,’” Fluttershy recited.

“My turn! My turn! Ehem. ‘You will be hungry again in one hour.’ Huh! What a weird fortune!” Rainbow chuckled.

“I think sometimes the ponies who write these fortunes get really bored.”

“How could you ever get bored telling somepony’s fortune?”

“Pinkie, these ‘fortunes’ are just a bunch of hooey.”

“I’m afraid Applejack is right, darling. As nice as it would be for some of these fortunes to come true,” Rarity gently set hers down, “they’re merely words on a piece of paper. Nothing more.”

“Aw, says who?” Rainbow snickered.

“Dash, don’t encourage her,” Twilight face-hoofed.

“Why not? Have a little faith, Twi!”

“Yeah, Twi!” Pinkie definitively nodded.

“Suit yourself, but I’m going to need substantial proof before I believe that these fortune cookies are actually capable of predicting the future.” Pinkie slyly grinned. Challenge accepted.

“Twilight! TWILIGHT!”

“Pinkie? What is it? What’s wrong?”

“It happened! It happened!”

“Calm down, Pinkie. Now tell me what happened.”

“My fortune came true!”

“Pinkie...” the alicorn groaned, finally allowing herself to calm down.

“It’s true! I got hungry again exactly one hour after lunch today. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!”

“That’s not proof, Pinkie. That was coincidence. Let’s face it- you’re always hungry.”

“I knew you’d say that! So I went back to the Chineighse restaurant and opened up two more cookies. Those were right, too! Look!” Pinkie thrust two slivers of paper into Twilight’s muzzle.

“‘You love Chineighse food?’ ‘You will be happy to receive good news?”’

“Right both times! Plus the first one was right, too! The cookies know all!”

“That doesn’t prove anything. It’s likely that anypony who eats at a Chineighse restaurant loves Chineighse food, and everypony’s always happy to hear good news. That’s why it’s called ‘good news!’”

“You still don’t believe me?! Tough!” Pinkie sank to the floor to pout.

“Sorry, Pinkie, but it’s going to take more than that to convince me.”

“Hmm... I wonder if the Chineighse restaurant will sell me some of their cookies?”

“Give it up Pink-” But she was already gone.

“Come on, baby!” Accompanied only by a newly-purchased box of fortune cookies, Pinkie thrust her hoof into the psychic cookies yet again. Upon carefully selecting one from the bottom, she yanked it out and bit half off. Crumbs erupted and partially obscured her vision as she tried to read the slip.

“‘The fortune you seek is in another cookie.’” Pinkie’s eyes bulged. “Does that mean the next one is going to be the bestest fortune of all time? This must be the motherload!” Her hoof plunged back into the rapidly-shrinking supply. “‘Ignore previous cookie.’ Aw! False alarm!” Pinkie decided to try again.

“‘You need a mint. Like, badly.’” Pinkie held up a hoof to her mouth and exhaled. “Wow! Right again! Must’ve been all the fortune cookies I ate.” Luckily, Pinkie kept a stash of all kinds of sweets in her apartment, so she simply popped a peppermint in her mouth.

“Huh,” she sighed, leaning against her bed. “After a hundred and sixty seven fortunes, Twilight still won’t believe me.” She lazily cracked open another. “‘Curiosity kills boredom. Nothing kills curiosity.’ Right again, Twilight. I was bored, so I opened a fortune cookie, and then I wasn’t bored anymore. But I’m still curious to find out what’s in the next one.”

Another cookie snapped.

“‘Help! I’m being held prisoner in the Appleloosa Prison!’” The room fell under a disturbing silence, especially considering who occupied it. “Well, what am I sitting around here for? The fortune teller pony needs my help!”

“I’m terribly sorry about this, Sherriff.”

“No! Wait! Twilight, let me go! Don’t worry, fortune teller! I’m coming!”

“Keep that pink menace outta my jailhouse!”

“Stop! TWILIGHT!”

“It won’t happen again.” Twilight dragged Pinkie away in the soft glow of her aura.

“FORTUNE TELLER!”

“Who the hay writes these fortunes anyway?” Twilight grumbled.

“You guys really think we’re going to get our cutie marks writing fortune cookie fortunes?” Sweetie Belle doubtfully piped up.

“Can’t hurt to try, right? Besides, having one of those Chineighse characters for a cutie mark would look so cool!”

“Uh, Scoots? You think you’re takin’ some of these a bit too far?” Applebloom nodded to the slip Scootaloo was currently working on. She hadn’t read the whole thing, just something about being trapped in a prison. The young pegasus merely shrugged.

“Nah.”

Pinkie had fought and kicked and screamed and hollered until Sheriff Silverstar allowed her to check the jailhouse for the fortune teller. Only after it had been checked, double checked, and turned inside out did Pinkie agree to go home of her own free will. That wasn’t to say Twilight and Sheriff Silverstar were any happier with her...

“Pinkie Pie, what were you thinking?!” Twilight demanded.

“I just don’t get it. The fortune in my cookie said that he was being held prisoner in there!”

“Pinkie... whoever writes these fortunes was just pulling a joke on you. If they really had been locked in the prison, then it’s because they’re a criminal and belong there. Sheriff Silverstar doesn’t just lock ponies away for no good reason.” Pinkie’s head shot up.

“Then the fortune wasn’t really a lie; prisons do hold prisoners! Maybe he just escaped before we got there!”

“Pinkie...”

“Do you believe me now, Twi? Huh? Huh? Huh?”

“No! A very specific fortune would have to come true for me to even consider believing in them, and it would have to be to the letter.”

“Fine. I’ll get you your ‘very specific fortune.’” Pinkie pulled out another cookie from somewhere behind her.

“Where’d you get-”

“It says, ‘An alien of some sort will be visiting you shortly.’ Is that specific enough for you, Twilight?”

“If this one comes true, I’ll consider it,” Twilight rolled her eyes. Pinkie smirked.

“You’ll see. Wait!” Her pupils receded to pinpricks of black. “Do you know what this means?”

“Not that the fortunes are true?”

“It means that if an alien is coming to visit, I have to start planning the biggest, bestest welcome party ever! You’re invited! And so is Rarity, Rainbow, Fluttershy...” Twilight groaned.

“Here we go again.”

It hadn’t been long since Twilight had dropped Pinkie off back at her house, but after a few hours of peace and quiet without any incident whatsoever, Twilight thought it best the check back up on her friend.

She found Pinkie patiently waiting in front of a fully set up ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party in the park. Pinkie barely acknowledged her as she approached, and just kept waiting for her ‘alien.’ Twilight sat on the grass beside her and waited, too.

“Still no one, huh?”

“Not yet. But you’ll see. They’ll be here.”

“Ah! Afternoon Pinkie! Twilight!” Time Turner and his friend Ditzy Doo nodded as they passed by.

“Good afternoon, Time Turner!” Twilight waved.

“Hey, no distractions, Mister! We’re waiting on an alien, here!” Pinkie irritably tried chasing them away. Ditzy and Time Turner just exchanged glances before bursting out in uncontrollable laughter, stumbling over themselves as they continued on their way. Pinkie watched, perplexed. “I didn’t think it was that funny.”

“Give it up, Pinkie. I think you know in your heart that these fortunes aren’t true.”

“A foolish mare listens to her heart. A wise mare listens to her fortune cookies.”

“Was that a fortune, too?”

“Yep.”

“I think you’ve waiting long enough, Pinkie. Face it. Your ‘alien’ is a no show.”

“I promised I was going to prove these fortune cookies are true, so that’s what I’m going to do.” Twilight sighed. She didn’t mean for Pinkie to sit waiting here all day. The poor mare must be bored out of her mind.

“Alright, forget the last cookie. Let’s try another one.”

“Really? Are ya sure?”

“Go ahead, Pinkie. Crack one open.”

“Okie dokie lokie!” A definitive SNAP sounded through the park. “It says, ‘Your true love is on the horizon. He is tall, dark, handsome, and... and a CENTAUR?!’ Now I know these cookies are crazy!”

“PRINCESS TWILIGHT!” The earth began to tremble, and the sun was suddenly blotted out. When the girls looked up, the immense, hulking form of their old enemy Tirek was there to greet them.

“TIREK?! But how did he escape?!” Twilight exclaimed. Her eyes fell once again upon Pinkie’s fortune, and her jaw dropped. Pinkie, meanwhile, bounced away.

“Well, what’re we waiting for? We better help the princesses lock him back in Tartarus!”