Into My New Better Second Life While I'm Living The Dream

by A Mysterious Bastard

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Comedy, Romance, Adventure
Length: 1108

An Average Human in Equestria

An Average Human in Equestria

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-17 14:34:01 UTC

Chapter 1

Into My New Better Second Life While I'm Living The Dream

Jon is your average Brony, 6”, skinny, socially awkward, a real softy at heart. He is also extremely smart but bullied everyday, just because he is a Brony. He is also a manly man, capable of feats of strength when ever angry and also able to easily out think his opponents even though they are smarter and stronger than him.

One day, Jon woke up and went to school, on the way there he ran into his local bullies, Chad and Rad.

“Hey Brony, what are you going to do, rape us with your unicorn horn.” They said

“No, just because I am a Brony, doesn’t make me gay.” He said

“Yeah, well tell that to my fist.” Said Chad, putting his fist into Jon’s anus.

“Yeah, who is the gay one now, Brony.” Chad said, looking into jon’s ripped asshole.

“I am, because I am a weak nerd and cannot do anything about it.” Jon said

“Good, now give us your lunch money, and anything else cliched bullies often ask for.” Chad said.

“Wait, I just remembered, when I am angry, I get super strong, I am angry now, so I am going to beat you up.”

After Jon said this, he punched the bullies in the face, sending them through  2 walls and into a bear enclosure.

“That will teach you for questioning my sexuality haters.” Jon said

On his way to school, Jon was hit by a car, then struck by lightning, and an evil shaman witch doctor that cursed his family cast a hex on him, then he got amnesia, but could remember everything about humans.

As Jon woke up, he was surrounded by a bright light, and in that light was an entity that was made of pure light. Instead of running away screaming like any normal man, Jon summoned up his inner nerd rage, dispelling all of his anti-socialness and donned the role of an arrogant badass.

“How are you.” Jon said.

“No one you would know.” Said the light.

“Are you God.” Said Jon

“No.” Said the light

“Allah.” Jon said.

“No.” Said the light.

“Celestia?” Jon said.

“Yes.” Said the light

“Does this mean I get to go to Equestria.” Jon said

“Yes.” Said Light Celestia.

“Cool.” Jon said.

“On one condition.” Said Celestia

“What?” Said Jon

“You are not allowed sexy time with my little ponies.” Celestia said.

“Yes I am.” Said Jon, his bravado over taking him.

“Okay then, please be gentle.” Said Celestia.

“NO.” Said Jon.

After his dominion over Celestia, establishing her as his bitch, he was transported to Equestria, right infront of the Library in Ponyville.

“Is anyone there.” Jon said.

“I am.” Said Spike

“Is Twilight there.” Said Jon

“Sure, she loves to talk to random strangers and give them all our secrets.” Said Spike.

Jon walked up to Twilights room, barging in there as she was trying to sleep.

“Hello.” Said Jon

“Who are you?” Said Twilight

“I am Jon.” Jon said

“What are you?” Twilight said

“I am a Human.” Jon Said

“What is a Human, please tell me all the backstory of your race, tell me all the bad things your race, leaving out all the marvels we have done, and only tell me about the mass killings.” Said Twilight

“That is all that I was going to do.” Jon said

“In Earth, we are a race called Humans, and from the beginning of time, all we knew is how to destroy, we killed all the beings in our planet and then built big bombs to try and kill even more stuff, also we are a greedy sack of shits, no one cares for anyone else and everyone looks out for themselves.” Jon said

“What about all the good things you have done, and if all of you are greedy, why aren’t you like that?” Twilight said.

“Because Twilight, I am a Brony, and we love you and your show, we watch you all the time and some of us even make sexy times to your faces. Also, I am not like that because I am the only nice person left.” Jon said

“OKay, i am completely okay with the fact that we are stalked then perverted on, in fact it turns me on.” Twilight said.

Twilight then jumped on Jon, but Jon threw her away, then he lifted a giant fireball in his hand and threw it at her, then when she got up, he punched her in the face, breaking all her teeth.

“Twilight, forget the fact that i just punched you and look at this.” Jon said

Jon lifted up his hand to Twilight’s face, and then hit her again, this time causing her to break every bone in her body.

“Twilight, why did you make me do this.” Jon said

“Because I love you.” Twilight said

“We have only known each other for 4 minutes, but so do I, in fact I used to perv on you the most out of all of your friends.” Jon said

“Thats nice, maybe in the foreseeable future we can have a massive orgy with just you, me, the princesses and the rest of my friends.” Twilight said

“I have AID’s but since you are ponies, it is alright.” Jon said

“So, what do you want to do, I want to go find the Princesses.” Twilight said.

“I will accompany you, and I can teleport now so this should not be a problem.” Jon said

“That is good, you are obviously the better magic user than me, even though I am the element of magic and it is what I am best at.” Twilight said.

“Okay, also i am super smart.” JOn said

“I know, I am only attracted to super smart men.” Twilight said

“That is good, because I am attracted to cheap whores that give it up easy, so I guess we are a match made in heaven.” Jon said

“What is heaven?” Twilight said

“A place where I now rule, seeing as the only logical explanation is that i am the son of God, JEsus.” Jon/Jesus Said.

“BUt, surely your exposure to our magic caused this, or some other scientific explanation.” Twilight said

“Twilight, if you mention science again, I will send you to tartarus, it tries to usurp my divinity.” Jon said

“Okay, i will discard all of my knowledge and scientific facts in complete and utter blind faith in you.” Twilight said

“Good, now give me my royal blow job as ruler of this land.” Jon said.

AND THAT'S HOW EQUESTRIA WAS DESTROYED!