Half Baked Apples

by Sailor_Pluto

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Sonata Dusk, Alternate Universe, Equestria Girls, Aria Blaze, Comedy, Adagio Dazzle, Random
Length: 7985

This is a collection of strange short stories that I write when I’m bored. I have no excuses.

This is a collection of strange short stories that I write when I’m bored. I have no excuses.

Published 2015-05-17 19:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-17 20:18:41 UTC

Aria Gets Her First Crush

“Okay, okay, there he is!” Aria pointed to a brown-haired boy wearing a long cloak over some jeans, sneakers, and a dark blue T-shirt that had an hourglass emblem on it. “That’s the one!”

Adagio rolled her eyes. “Please. He’s sooo weird acting and looking. Besides, isn’t he dating that idiot blond chick?”

Aria laughed. “Who, Derpy? No, no, I’m sure he’s not.” she slowly peered over her shoulder and gazed at the gorgeous boy. “Not for long anyway.”

She stood and started to walk over to him.

“Careful!” Sonata called from behind her. “Derpy breaks things with her butt all the time!”

Aria walked over to her crush’s table and leaned down. “Hey there, Whooves.” she said. “I was wondering…”

“What are you doing?” a ditzy voice asked from behind her. Aria turned. Standing there was Derpy wearing a face of utter rage. “Were you flirting with Whooves? My Whooves?”

Aria gulped. “Well… yeah…”

Derpy then proceeded in breaking Aria’s face with her butt.

Author's Note

Why did I do this? No idea.

Pinkie Pays A Visit to The Oracle

Pinkie looked at the strange creature in front of her.

“What are you, you silly looking flame thingy?”

A flame shot out of it’s ear. “I am the oracle.”

Pinkie started laughing. “No, that’s a black and white whale that lives in the arctic.”

“That’s an orca.”

“No, that’s a nasty tasting vegetable.”

“That’s ocra.”

“Wrong again, silly flame! That’s a talk show host!”

“That’s Oprah.”

“Whatever.” Pinkie said as she shoved the oracle into the pit of lava that was near her.

The Stupidity Statue

Lotus Blossom dragged her sister over to Princess Twilight’s castle and knocked the door.

“Lotus Blossom! Hello! What brings you over?” Twilight moved to the side to let the spa twins in.

Lotus rolled her eyes. “Aloe found the stupidity statue and it cursed her. Please help us. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

The blue earth pony pointed to her twin, who was giving a back rub to an alicorn statue.

“Shh…” Aloe whispered to the statue. “You're so tense…”

Twilight yanked the seemingly drunk pony down with her magic and cast a spell on her.

Aloe’s eyes widened. “Pi equals 3.14159265. Straining on toilets can cause aneurysms. The universe is not infinite, at the end is…”

Aloe sighed and rubbed her head. “Woah. Sorry, that was a rush. Lotus, let’s go home.”

Author's Note

I have no excuses for this.

Your Souls Are Like Pickles!

“I love Nightmare Night!” Twilight said as she looked around the table at her friends, then dug back into the holiday feast.

Pinkie’s head shot out of the Turducken’s rear and she struggled to swallow the huge sum of meat she was amassing before saying: “I wonder why we don’t all get together like this more? On holidays, I mean.”

And then they heard it.

Something tapping at the glass of the window. Twilight turned, and saw Raven outside, wearing a devil costume.

Twilight opened up the window with her magic. “Raven, hello! Whatever brings you over to my humble abode?”

Raven leapt through the window and hissed. “You're souls are like pickles! So thick and juicy!”

Twilight frowned. “Um… what?”

Raven pounced on Twilight and sucked the life out of her.

Rainbow turned to Pinkie. “THAT’S why.”

Raven sat up from the carcass of the dead princess and smacked her lips. “Blech. Dill.”

Elephant Ears

Despite the mention of Poison Joke, this is an EG story.

“Uh, Flutters? Did Ya run into some more o’ that poison joke?”

Fluttershy looked over at her friend. “Um…no…why do you ask, Applejack?”

Applejack coughed. “Oh, um, no reason.”

Rarity looked over to Sunset. “Someone has to tell her.”

Fluttershy shrunk down. “What? What is it?”

Sunset smiled nervously. “Oh, you know, nothing. It’s just that…well…you're ears…they’re sorta…y’know…y’know?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “No.”

Sunset wrung her hands, then looked at the ceiling, then looked at the ground, then picked at a loose thread on her skirt, then blurted: “Fluttershy, your ears are huge and disgusting and floppy and gray and I’m sorry I had to say this in the middle of class but oh my god put those away please it’s taking everything in my power not to retch right now.”

Fluttershy slowly reached up and touched her ears, then smiled sweetly. “Oh, it’s okay. All people in the Shy family get disgustingly huge ears at a certain point in their life. I was actually expecting it to come last week.”

Sunset nodded. “Right….”

She then quickly turned to Rainbow Dash and said: “I think we need a new band member.”

The HuMane Six (And Flash) Goes Camping. And Fails At It.

"Do we have everything?" Sunset asked her friends.

"Yup!" Pinkie said. "I double checked! Five times!"

"That would make it a quintuple check, Pinkie."

"But it sounds cooler to say double check!"

Sunset rolled her eyes. "...Right. Do we have any snacks for the trip?"

"Do we really need snacks?" Flash asked as he put his dufflebag in the back of the minivan. "We're staying by a creek, right? I can just catch our snack with old Zeus and Apollo here." He kissed his biceps. "Well, of course you guys didn't think about that. Only a genius could come up with something like that."

Sunset smirked. "This coming from the guy who once kept putting money in a broken vending machine. For a half hour."

Flash's eyes grew wide. "It was broken?"

Rainbow laughed.

"Alright!" Sunset slammed the trunk shut. "Let's get this show on the road!"

Forty minutes later, the minivan was on the side of a small, country road.

"How was I supposed to know that the car only had a third of a tank of gas?!" Pinkie yelled.

"Because it's your van!" Sunset screamed. "Ugh!"

"Leave it to me!" Flash said, rolling up his sleeves. "I can fix this thing!"

"Flash, there's not a problem with the car!" Sunset said as Flash crawled underneath the car. "It just ran out of gas!"

"The check engine light was on too." Flash said.

"The engine isn't underneath the car!"

"Says who?! AAAUUGGH, DAMN IT! I JUST CUT MY HAND!!!"

Five more minutes later, Flash was sitting on the hood of the car, whimpering, while Sunset wrapped a bandage around his hand.

"And that's why you don't do things like that." Sunset said.

"Whatever." He sighed. "When's Rainbow going to be back?"

"Don't know." Sunset said, taking a seat next to him. "I don't know where the gas station she's searching for is. Or if there even is one."

Ad if on cue, Rainbow trudged back down the road to the broken down car. "I'm back." She wheezed. "And I'm never doing that again."

"What happened?" Sunset asked.

"First of all," Rainbow held up a bucket, which had been used as an on-the-road toilet. "I got a bucket of gas, but didn't pay for it." She handed the bucket to Applejack.

"Fill this sucker up, wouldja?" Rainbow stretched and sat next to Sunset. "On the way to the gas station, some guy had mistaken me for a hooker. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that. I told him I was trying to get money, and he told me he would give me money for my body...so I kicked him in his junk and ran away as fast as possible." She yawned. "Then I got the gas and came back."

"Alright!" The car roared to life. "This should be enough to get us where we're going. Get in, everyone!" Applejack got into the driver's seat.

Twenty minutes later, the van rolled into a quaint little campsite built in a forest. There were clearings all throughout the woods, so you could just park anywhere and set up camp wherever you pleased.

"Pinkie, watch out for the chickens."

"Ooh, there are chickens here? Where?!"

"Now they're underneath the tires."

"Eh, they were just going to be eaten anyway. So, where do we park?"

"Anywhere, Pinkie."

Pinkie finally decided to pull into the most spacious clearing she could find.

"Alright!" Flash opened the door and rolled out of the car. "Fishing time! Anyone wanna come with?"

"I will." Rainbow got out after him. "I'm pretty skilled at it." She opened the trunk. "Um...where are the fishing poles?"

Flash held up two nets. "Fishing poles are for sissies."

Rainbow rolled her eyes and slammed the trunk shut. "No, nets are for the sissies who can't figure out how to work even the simplest of fishing poles."

"Do you want food or not?"

Rainbow sighed and followed him down to the creek.

"We don't have any snacks." Sunset said as she pawed through the cooler. "Haven't we gone over this before? On a trip, snacks are ESSENTIAL!"

"I'm sorry!" Pinkie cried.

"We don't have any fish either." Rainbow said, coming back from the creek. "Flash scared away all the fish with his loud personal stories."

"I needed someone too talk to!"

"SO TALK TO A THERAPIST!"

"...And that's what happened over my summer vacation!" Rainbow said to her class.

Author's Note

Should this have been a separate story? Or is it not good enough for that?

Vinyl the Cereal Killer

It was a dark and stormy night. Octavia had just gotten out of the shower and was fixing herself a bowl of cereal. As she trotted into the living room and switched on the TV, she said to herself, Where the hay is Vinyl? She should have been home an hour ago. A chill went down the earth pony’s back. She shuddered and pulled her old pink jazz robe on tighter.

After watching the new hit show, Whose Line Is It Anyway? Equestria, the power went out.

“God dang it…” Octavia mumbled as she set her bowl of cereal down.

She leaned to the side to check the breaker by the couch when the front door flew open. Octavia shrieked when she saw the silhouette of a pony in the doorway.

“MUAH HA HAAAA!!!!” The pony laughed maniacally as she leapt at Octavia. Octavia scrunched herself into a ball and awaited impact.

But, instead of hitting her, the other pony whacked the bowl of cereal off of the end table, sending it flying across the room.

The lights came back on, and when Octavia peeked out, she saw none other than her roommate rolling and laughing on the floor.

“Vinyl…..” Octavia gritted her teeth.

“Oh...oh man,” Vinyl gasped as she removed her glasses to wipe her eyes. “You should have seen the look on your face! Priceless!”

Octavia stood and grabbed Vinyl with her forehooves. “Vinyl, what have I told you about pranking me? And about wasting food?” Octavia pointed to the broken bowl in the corner. “And I don’t give a BUCK if you hate cereal. Now clean it up.” Octavia released Vinyl and settled back on the couch and continued to watch TV. Vinyl grumbled as she fetched the cleaner and rags.

“Can you at least help me clean it up?” Vinyl asked.

Octavia shook her head and made herself a new bowl of cereal.

Author's Note

This was originally supposed to be a story of it's own, but unfortunately it didn't pass 1,000 words...

Deceit

“Da seat! It’s where I put…da butt!”

Adagio face palmed. “Just…no.”

Author's Note

I have no idea where this came from.

I have no excuses.

Munchkin Attack

“Wait, what? Say that again.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Tia, you know what I said.”

Celestia nearly blew up her face trying not to laugh. “Yes, but I’d like for you to say it again…”

Luna face hoofed. “Equestria is under attack…by munchkins.”

Celestia totally lost it and exploded with wild hiccupy laughter. “Munchkins! Oh my god….”

“Tia! Munchkins are just little people!” Luna screamed.

A little person crashed through the window and kidnapped Celestia. Luna smirked and took her seat in Celestia’s throne. “That’ll teach ya.”

Author's Note

This is something me and my friend from third grade made up. There was a song that went with it, too. Yeah...I have some interesting friends...

Hugging Helps

“YAYYYYYYY!!!” Pinkamena yelled as she came out of nowhere.

“I just love hugs!” she said as she seized Rainbow Dash by the neck and squeezed.

Author's Note

Normally, I would have had Rarity or somepony other than Rainbow die, because Rainbow's my favorite. But in these weird fan videos that people make (Cupcakes, etc.) Rainbow is ALWAYS the one who dies. ALWAYS. So I felt that, to have a satisfactory Pinkamena appearance, Rainbow would have to die.

-Pluto Out.

Rainbow Dash Angers An Athlete

Hoops ran into the gym wearing a new Nike shirt. “Look guys! I got a new shirt!”

Rainbow Dash clapped her hands and laughed. “You know what they say.”

She sat on the ground for a few minutes trying not to laugh. “Swoosh rhymes with Douche!”

She spent the next twenty minutes hiding from the angered jock.

Author's Note

This was something I read somewhere. Felt that it needed to be turned into a short story.

Stop Putting Chocolate In My Socks!!!

“SPIKE!!!” Rarity yelled at the top of her lungs. “STOP PUTTING CHOCOLATE IN MY SOCKS!!!”

Author's Note

This was a friend's idea, please don't blame me.

Eew...

Twilight prodded the weird thing on the floor with her hoof. “Uh, Pinkie? What is this?”

Pinkie trotted over and picked it up. “Oh yeah, I remember this! This is that thing they dug out of my spine!”

Twilight gagged. “W-what?”

Pinkie nodded. “Yeah… you know, from the aliens and whatever. No biggie.”

“Um…”

“No biggie, Twi. Drop the matter. Hey look, glitter!”

Author's Note

This was on my computer for over a year.

Just wanted to let you guys know why this chapter sucked more than they usually do.

Poop Tubes

Pinkie lurched into Sugar Cube Corner.

“Pinkie! Are you alright?” Mrs. Cake asked.

Pinkie shook her head. “No, Mrs. Cake, I’m not. I hurt my poop tubes.”

Mrs. Cake nodded slowly. “Poop tubes…right…and…uh…how did you do that?”

Pinkie sat down and groaned. “Well, you see, earlier today I ate this huge burrito, and it was packed so full of stuff, and then I ate about eighty cupcakes, and then I had twelve pieces of pizza, and then I felt this sudden urge to poop….”

She groaned again and leaned back. “I can’t believe the hemorrhoids. It feels like I gave birth through my butt.”

Mrs. Cake took Pinkie to the hospital and left in a hurry.

Author's Note

Cake. I want cake now. Some of that cake that was at my cousin's birthday party.

Pinkie Tutors The CMC

"Wait...Einstein was from Germany?"

"Pinkie, you should know that. You're the one tutoring us."

"I didn't know geniuses came from Germany!"

"So all four o' us obviously aren't geniuses."

"That's not how it works, Apple Bloom..."

"So where do idiots come from?"

"Idaho."

"What a coincidence...that's where Diamond Tiara was born."

"Scootaloo! That ain't nice!"

"It's true, though."

"...Yeah."

Author's Note

This one SUCKS.

Equestrian Sniper

"In the far reaches of Canterlot lie an old oak tree. Built in that tree is a log cabin. In that log cabin, there's a a little blue stallion with a bleached-blond mane and tail. One who dropped out of college, who had purchased a Maretta 92 via Saddle Arabian black market, and drank sweet tea every day. He-"

"I'm going to stop you right there." Mr. Turner said. "What are you even talking about?"

"Equestrian Spiner! Oops, I meant Sniper!" Sonata giggled. "Silly me. I always stumble over my words."

"The book we were reading was American Sniper."

"Yeah, well guess what, Mr. Tries-To-Grow-His-Hair-And-Goatee-Longer-To-Look-Like-A-Rebellious-Teenager-Again? I'm not even FROM America! I'm a pony like Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Simmers!"

"IT'S SHIMMER! DIDN'T WE COVER THAT WHEN YOUR PSYCHO SISTER DUMPED A PLATE OF BACON ON ME?!"

"Ooh, Simmers is a feisty one today!" Sonata beamed at Mr. Turner. "I'm getting an 'A', I presume?"

The following day, Mr. Turner was fired from the school and had numerous reports filed against him for the death of Sonata Dusk.

Author's Note

Maretta 92, Beretta 92? Get it?

Applejunk

Apple Bloom sat at the kitchen table, giggling every few minutes or so.

Finally, Big Mac looked up from his paper. "Whut?! Whut is it that ya find t' be SO funny, Apple Bloom?"

"Ah played a prank on Applejack!" Apple Bloom said. "It was HILARIOUS!"

"You didn't do nothin' that was too horrible, now didja?"

Apple Bloom was quiet for a moment. "...No..."

From upstairs, they heard, "Whut the, AAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAPPLE BLOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

"There's mah cue t' split!" She grabbed a slice of toast and bolted out of the door.

Applejack came downstairs covered in garbage. And was unknowingly dragged a...thing behind her. "WHERE'S THAT KID?!"

Sunset Figures Out What Celestia Meant By "We."

"Luna was there the whole time, wasn't she?"

"Yes."

Apocalypse Cow

Nearly all of the residents in Ponyville could not help but stare at the strange occurrence that was going down in Town Square. Namely, a cow with a flaming tail, running back and forth and yelling "APOCALYPSE!"

"APOCALYPSE! APOCALYPSE! APOCALYPSE! APOCALYPSE!"

"Princess, whaddya want me t' do?" Applejack asked Twilight as they sat on a balcony overlooking all of Ponyville.

Twilight removed her sunglasses to reveal dark, unsightly bags beneath her eyes, as well as a hard glare. "-Shoot her."

Author's Note

On Tuesday, I watched Hollywood Game Night, and an "Apocalypse Cow" was mentioned. And then, somehow, this chapter was born.

Equestria's Got Talent

No. It does not.

Nicholas Cage Ponies #1

Pinkie sat in the middle of town square with a cactus on her head. "I'M A PRICKLY PEAR!"

Twilight facehooved. "Pinkie..."

"I'm a...PRICKLY PEAR!"

"Pinkie...we've been over this..."

"I'm a PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICKLY PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR!!!"

"...Pinkie..."

"Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrickly Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear...."

"Fuggit. I'm out."

Phantom Thief Pinkie

I don't actually have a weird story for this, I just couldn't resist making a chapter with this title.

My apologies. (There will probably be a few more chapters like this.)

Girly Yogurt

"Guess what, Rarity?" Sweetie Belle asked, running through the boutique's door.

"What is it, Sweetie Belle?" Rarity replied, not looking up from a new dress she was sewing.

"Me and the girls started a band!" Sweetie yelled excitedly. "Do you wanna know what the name is? Huh? Do you?"

"...Fine." Rarity replied. "But PLEASE refrain from yelling. I've already pricked my finger twice due to unfortunate distractions."

"...Right." Sweetie responded. "Anyway, our band name is Girly Yogurt!"

"...Girly...Yogurt."

"Yup!"

"...Might I ask why, darling?"

"Nobody liked Munchkin Attack."

Rarity immediately went back to sewing, all the while trying to forget what her sister had said.

HERE'S YOUR MEXICAN!!!

"If you got away to the land of MEXICO then you would have the birth of a MEXICAN so...HERE'S YOUR MEXICAN!!!" Sweetie Belle finished, looked at her sister excitedly. "So, Rarity! What did you think of our band's first song?"

Rarity opened her mouth and prepared to say something...at least somewhat constructive. "Nope." She slammed her mouth shut and walked away.

Sweetie pouted. "She was like that with Your Souls Are Like Pickles, too..."

Author's Note

Okay, this...I had this band with my two cousins called "Girly Yogurt", and Here's Your Mexican and Your Souls Are Like Pickles were two of the songs they wrote. While I, on the other hand, prefer dark, creepy songs, not like the crap they made up.

You just can't be a functional band if you write songs about a queen who eats souls and describes them as pickles.

Fatal Oats

A young mare with a cream colored coat, a light pink tail and mane that was pulled into pigtails, and blue eyes pulled a bundle of...something...out of her saddlebag. "Osana! Catch!"

Another mare with purple eyes, a black mane and tail, a long horn, and a dark red coat grabbed the bundle with her magic. "Thanks, Grimoire!" Osana glanced over at the third and final mare of their group, who had blue eyes, short light brown mane and tail, a light pink coat, and shimmering wings, who was apparently battling some weird monster-type thing. "Mayu!"

"Yeah?"

"Did you lose your book?"

"No!"

"Good. Just making sure!" Osana opened the package up and pulled out a largely worn brown book with golden lettering on the front. "With this magic born of darkness, thou shall now be sealed! FATAL-" She stopped when she caught sight of the title of the book. "-Oats?"

Osana stared bemusedly at the cover. "Fatal Oats. Really. That's so terrible that I can't even laugh."

"HURRY!" Mayu yelled as she punched the creature in the face. "My magic can't hold it off forever!"

"Right, got it!" Osana took a deep breath and prepared for one of the hardest things she could ever possibly do. "With this magic born of darkness, thou shall now be sealed! FATAL OATS!" With the last words, she used her magic to open the book and exorcise the monster.

The three were silent for a moment.

"WE DID IT!" Grimoire yelled suddenly. "YAY!"

"I thought I was gonna die back there!" Mayu said, sighing with relief.

"Now that that's done, we should probably head back." Osana said. Immediately afterwards, a portal appeared behind the three of them. The Mane Six, who had been watching the entire time from the sidelines, were dumbstruck at yet another anomaly.

"Interdimensional plot twist." Osana said before she and her friends disappeared through the portal.

Author's Note

I don't expect any of you to get this. Except for Living Shadow.

Feel free to ask about it if you want.

...And yes, I am aware that this chapter sucked.

This Is the Fourth Chapter

Nevermind that it's actually the 34th.

Sorry about the crap chapter, I was really bored and felt like doing this to be an idiot.

Aria Has a Soda In Her Binder

"Aria, why do you have a soda in your binder?"

"I don't have a soda in my binder."

"Yes you do. I can see it."

"No you can't."

"...Yes...I can..."

"No you can't."

"Aria...there is obviously a soda in your binder."

"No, there's NOT!"

"Yes there is!"

"FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, NO, I DO NOT HAVE A SODA IN MY BINDER!"

"Really? Because I can still see it."

"LISTEN, ASSHOLE! THERE IS NO SODA IN MY BINDER! DO YOU NEED ME TO OPEN IT UP AND PROVE IT?!"

"...Yes, that would be preferable."

"...THERE! DO YOU SEE ANY SODA IN MY BINDER?!"

"Yes."

"...No you don't."

Author's Note

Inspired by a random silly conversation that me and my cousin had.

Execute Button

"Hey," Sonata said, looking at her new calculator. It was a new school year, and the calculators provided for the juniors had a lot more handy functions than the normal ones of previous years. "There's no execute button on this."

Aria sneered. "What are we talking about here, a seriously old-school computer? Just use the enter button, my god."

Sonata pressed the enter button. Then she pressed it again. And again. And again.

"...It's not working," she said, waving the calculator in the air. "It's not working!"

"That's because you don't have anything typed into the calculator, dumb ass!" Aria snatched it away. "Watch." She hit a few buttons, then showed the screen to Sonata. It read, "2+2".

"Now," Aria said, finger hovering above the enter button. "Watch how I do this." She hit it, and the number 4 came up. "See? Easy as that."

Sonata started to pout. "But that's not what I'm talking about, Ari! The execute button does something completely different! Look!" Sonata dug around in her book bag, then produced the calculator she had used from previous years. She aimed it at the classroom's black board, turned it on, and hit the execute button. Immediately, a ray of electricity shot out, shattering the board into little pieces.

Aria, among everyone else in the room, stared with their mouths open at the front of the classroom. Finally, she slowly turned her head to the blue girl.

"Where...did you get that calculator from?"

"Ebay," Sonata said before tucking it back into her bag.

Author's Note

My mind imagines weird things when I'm bored.

Dontcha Just Hate These Time Loops?

Rarity sipped on a cup of coffee. “Alright, girls! Let’s see your Nightmare Night costumes!”

Scootaloo emerged from behind a curtain. She had her hair in a tight bun, and was wearing a long, black cloak and had fangs in her mouth. “I’m…” she whipped her cloak tightly around her body. “The Vampire Queen!”

Rarity clutched her chest in fake fear. “Goodness! Scary!”

Apple Bloom came out next. She had her hair in a ponytail, which was tied back with her signature pink bow, and she was wearing a little shirt and pants. She was also trying to balance on her back hooves. “Ah’m a human!”

Rarity nodded. “Nice, nice.”

Sweetie Belle came out last. She was wearing a long, thick cape that was made out of purple velvet, and was lined with spotted chinchilla’s fur. On her head was a silver tiara, which had a large, faux ruby in the center, and had several needles sticking in and out of various places in the crown. She was also wearing makeup, which made her look twice as pretty. “I’m the Needle Queen!” Sweetie Belle squeaked. “And don’t worry, this crown is perfectly safe.”

Rarity shook her head. “I’ll take your word for it. Alright, let’s go…I want you back by-”

“Oh, there’s one more.” Sweetie said. “Button, come on ooooutt…”

Button came hobbling out from the curtain. He was wearing a dog’s shirt, and had one of his forehooves pulled in, giving the appearance of only having three legs. “I’m…” he sighed. “Champion, the Three Legged Dog.”

Rarity sipped on a cup of coffee. “Alright, girls! Let’s see your Nightmare Night costumes!”

Scootaloo emerged from behind a curtain. She had her hair in a tight bun, and was wearing a long, black cloak and had fangs in her mouth. “I’m…” she whipped her cloak tightly around her body. “The Vampire Queen!”

Rarity clutched her chest in fake fear. “Goodness! Scary!”

Apple Bloom came out next. She had her hair in a ponytail, which was tied back with her signature pink bow, and she was wearing a little shirt and pants. She was also trying to balance on her back hooves. “Ah’m a human!”

Rarity nodded. “Nice, nice.”

Sweetie Belle came out last. She was wearing a long, thick cape that was made out of purple velvet, and was lined with spotted chinchilla’s fur. On her head was a silver tiara, which had a large, faux ruby in the center, and had several needles sticking in and out of various places in the crown. She was also wearing makeup, which made her look twice as pretty. “I’m the Needle Queen!” Sweetie Belle squeaked. “And don’t worry, this crown is perfectly safe.”

Rarity shook her head. “I’ll take your word for it. Alright, let’s go…I want you back by-”

“Oh, there’s one more.” Sweetie said. “Button, come on ooooutt…”

Button came hobbling out from the curtain. He was wearing a dog’s shirt, and had one of his forehooves pulled in, giving the appearance of only having three legs. “I’m…” he sighed. “Champion, the Three Legged Dog.”

Rarity sipped on a cup of coffee. “Alright, girls! Let’s see your Nightmare Night costumes!”

Scootaloo emerged from behind a curtain. She had her hair in a tight bun, and was wearing a long, black cloak and had fangs in her mouth. “I’m…” she whipped her cloak tightly around her body. “The Vampire Queen!”

Rarity clutched her chest in fake fear. “Goodness! Scary!”

Apple Bloom came out next. She had her hair in a ponytail, which was tied back with her signature pink bow, and she was wearing a little shirt and pants. She was also trying to balance on her back hooves. “Ah’m a human!”

Rarity nodded. “Nice, nice.”

Sweetie Belle came out last. She was wearing a long, thick cape that was made out of purple velvet, and was lined with spotted chinchilla’s fur. On her head was a silver tiara, which had a large, faux ruby in the center, and had several needles sticking in and out of various places in the crown. She was also wearing makeup, which made her look twice as pretty. “I’m the Needle Queen!” Sweetie Belle squeaked. “And don’t worry, this crown is perfectly safe.”

Rarity shook her head. “I’ll take your word for it. Alright, let’s go…I want you back by-”

“Oh, there’s one more.” Sweetie said. “Button, come on ooooutt…”

Button came hobbling out from the curtain. He was wearing a dog’s shirt, and had one of his forehooves pulled in, giving the appearance of only having three legs. “I’m…” he sighed. “Champion, the Three Legged Dog.”

Rarity sipped on a cup of coffee. “Alright, girls! Let’s see your Nightmare Night costumes!”

Scootaloo emerged from behind a curtain. She had her hair in a tight bun, and was wearing a long, black cloak and had fangs in her mouth. “I’m…” she whipped her cloak tightly around her body. “The Vampire Queen!”

Rarity clutched her chest in fake fear. “Goodness! Scary!”

Apple Bloom came out next. She had her hair in a ponytail, which was tied back with her signature pink bow, and she was wearing a little shirt and pants. She was also trying to balance on her back hooves. “Ah’m a human!”

Rarity nodded. “Nice, nice.”

Sweetie Belle came out last. She was wearing a long, thick cape that was made out of purple velvet, and was lined with spotted chinchilla’s fur. On her head was a silver tiara, which had a large, faux ruby in the center, and had several needles sticking in and out of various places in the crown. She was also wearing makeup, which made her look twice as pretty. “I’m the Needle Queen!” Sweetie Belle squeaked. “And don’t worry, this crown is perfectly safe.”

Rarity shook her head. “I’ll take your word for it. Alright, let’s go…I want you back by-”

“Oh, there’s one more.” Sweetie said. “Button, come on ooooutt…”

Button came hobbling out from the curtain. He was wearing a dog’s shirt, and had one of his forehooves pulled in, giving the appearance of only having three legs. “I’m…” he sighed. “Champion, the Three Legged Dog.”

Rarity sipped on a cup of coffee. “Alright, girls! Let’s see your Nightmare Night costumes!”

Scootaloo emerged from behind a curtain. She had her hair in a tight bun, and was wearing a long, black cloak and had fangs in her mouth. “I’m…” she whipped her cloak tightly around her body. “The Vampire Queen!”

Rarity clutched her chest in fake fear. “Goodness! Scary!”

Apple Bloom came out next. She had her hair in a ponytail, which was tied back with her signature pink bow, and she was wearing a little shirt and pants. She was also trying to balance on her back hooves. “Ah’m a human!”

Rarity nodded. “Nice, nice.”

Sweetie Belle came out last. She was wearing a long, thick cape that was made out of purple velvet, and was lined with spotted chinchilla’s fur. On her head was a silver tiara, which had a large, faux ruby in the center, and had several needles sticking in and out of various places in the crown. She was also wearing makeup, which made her look twice as pretty. “I’m the Needle Queen!” Sweetie Belle squeaked. “And don’t worry, this crown is perfectly safe.”

Rarity shook her head. “I’ll take your word for it. Alright, let’s go…I want you back by-”

“Oh, there’s one more.” Sweetie said. “Button, come on ooooutt…”

Button came hobbling out from the curtain. He was wearing a dog’s shirt, and had one of his forehooves pulled in, giving the appearance of only having three legs. “I’m…” he sighed. “Champion, the Three Legged Dog.”

Suddenly, Pinkie appeared out of nowhere, wearing a hollowed out pineapple on her head. "Dontcha just hate these time loops?"

Author's Note

Um, so...yeah. I was bored. Sue me.

Just A Friendly Little Game...NOT!!!

Ever since the Battle of the Bands, the three sirens had begun to share things from their personal life with each other. And Adagio and Aria hated it.

“Okay!” Sonata clapped her hands together. “I’ve got something we can all play!”

Aria sucked in a breath. “God help us all…”

Sonata giggled. “Alright, I’monna say something, and one of you have to confess if you’ve done it before!”

Adagio sighed. “Lame….”

Sonata either ignored the overly-haired girl or was too stupid to notice. “I’ll go first! I have walked around the school naked before!”

For the longest time, no one said anything. And then, from outside, someone yelled, “I TOLD EVERYONE NEVER TO MENTION THAT AGAIN!”

Sonata’s eyes turned to pinpricks. “Was that Sunset Simmers?”

“IT’S SHIMMER!!!” Sunset yelled.

Aria wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “Just ignore it. She’s been doing that for, like, a week now.”

“For realzies?”

“OKAY!” Adagio said loudly. “I GUESS I SHALL GO NOW!”

She sat on the floor and rocked back and forth for a minute. “Okay. I’ve eaten a fish taco before.”

Sonata shot her hand in the air. “I HAVE!!!”

Aria shuddered, then gagged. “Me too…”

Sonata gasped. “Ari…. do you not like fish tacos?!”

Aria facepalmed. “No, I do… did… but….” she sighed. “I’m still kinda traumatized by it.”

An evil grin spread across Adagio’s face. “Oh, I’ve GOTTA hear this.”

Aria shook her head. “No, I don’t think I can talk about it…”

“JUST SPILL ALREADY!!!” Sunset yelled.

“That’s it!” Aria stood and marched over to the coffee table, where she grabbed a plate of freshly prepared bacon.

She then walked over to the window sill and dumped it all on Sunset. Which was followed by the delightful sound of burning flesh and Sunset shrieking for help.

“Take that, Sunset Simmers!” she started to close the window, but stopped and yelled, “Don’t worry - there’s only a 100% chance of rain tonight!”

Aria sat back down with a huff. “Some people…”

She saw the faces of her awaiting roommates. “Uhh, fine, if you MUST know, there might have been this ONE time that I found a finger in my fish taco. ONCE.”

As if on cue, both Sonata and Adagio threw up.

Sunset the Fetish

“Thanks for helping me move out of my place.” Sunset said as she placed a box in the back of Big Mac’s truck. “I couldn’t have done all of this myself.”

Pinkie giggled. “Yeah, because this place is a scary nightmare horder nest.”

Sunset snorted. “Don’t remind me.”

Applejack placed some more items in a crate. “Aw shucks, Sunset! We don’t mind none. Good fer ya muscles.”

Sunset smiled as she shoved her box near the front of the truck.

“Umm… Sunset? What is this?” Fluttershy said as she looked into a crate that suspiciously had the words “DO NOT OPEN” scrawled across the side in red paint.

Sunset rushed over. “Oh, Fluttershy, you don’t need to look in there…”

Horror spread across the yellow girl’s face. “Is this… a crate of old toenails?”

Sunset looked away. “Yeah….”

Fluttershy shrunk down low. “But… why?”

Sunset rubbed the back of her neck. “I, uh, used to be a… fetish.”

Fluttershy’s face turned green. “Why?”

Sunset threw her hands up in the air. “My parents used to be in a cult… it’s just how I was raised.”

Fluttershy gagged. “I have to go. Now.”

Author's Note

FYI, people who do things like this are called fetishes. I have NO idea why though.

Nipple King

“Sweetie Belle…” Button Mash whined. “This is embarrassing! I don’t wanna do it!”

Sweetie giggled with her friends. “Too bad! If you want a leader’s cutie mark, you’ll wear the king outfit that Rarity made for you lovingly.”

Button whimpered, then took the costume that Sweetie was waving at him. He put it on.

Sweetie started laughing. “Great! Now, get up on the pedestal we built you, and recite the lines I wrote…”

Button sighed, then climbed up onto the pedestal. “I am Button Mash, the Great and Powerful Nipple King…”

Scootaloo examined the rubber nipple hat that was positioned carefully on his head. “Oh, Nipple King! Heh. I just got it.”

Author's Note

Why do I find this to be really funny?

CHC #1

ALTERNATE ENDING FOR JAN 3, 2015

I walk into the hallway, pull out my phone, and dial Button's number. He picks up on the fourth ring.

“Hello? Sweetie Belle, is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me.” I respond. “Hey, can you come over to the dorm today, at around one o'clock? We’re throwing you a huge party!”

"Really? Yeah, sure! Thanks, Sweetie Belle!"

"No problem!" I end the call and walk back into Scootaloo's room. "He'll be here at one or so. We need to start prepping."

Three hours later, the dorm is decorated festively with a video game theme. We had some help from the local party planner, Pinkie Pie. We decide to pay her with cake, so she stays for the party.

"Make a wish, Button!" Luna says.

Just as Button bends over the candles to blow them out, someone screams incoherently.

"Wha-" We all turn to see Twist in a bikini, running at us like a madman.

"Oh shit, GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Scootaloo shoves everyone out of Twist's path, just as the partially insane red head leaps. Because everyone moved in time, she lands on the cake.

"Dude..."

"Ew!"

"I've been a vice principal for twelve years and have NEVER seen something like this before..."

Button's eye twitches. "Dude...you got chest hair all over the cake."

Author's Note

I haven't posted Jan 3, 2015 yet, so I don't expect any of you to know what's going on. When I have posted it, I suggest coming back and reading this again.

I Just Wanted You To Know...

The death of Mayor Mare had left everypony in a daze. She had been perfectly healthy. She had no reason to die.

"Alright, I found this in her office." Twilight said to the crowd of ponies gathered in front of Ponyville's one outdoor stage. "I believe it to be a tape she recorded before her death." Twilight slid the tape into a projector.

The ponies watching, silent, as Mayor Mare appeared on the screen. She was sitting at her desk, a blank look on her face. The items on her desk were more scattered than usual.

"Citizens of Ponyville." She said calmly. "If you are watching this, it is because I have died. No doubt you want to know the reason why. Well, you're never going to know." She stood up and slammed her fore hooves against the desk, and her face twisted with rage. "I have been Mayor of Ponyville for twenty years! TWENTY YEARS!!! AND I NEVER GOT SO MUCH AS A 'THANK YOU'! HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL?!" She paused for a moment, breathing heavily.

The mayor regained her composure and sat down once more. "I just wanted you to know that, for all I care, you all can ROT IN HELL!!! OH, AND WHAT'S UP WITH PRINCESS TWILIGHT?! YOU TRYIN' TO REPLACE ME, BITCH?!"

"Oooooooooooooookay, that's enough of that!" Twilight said, punching the "eject" button on the projector. "Mayor Mare, everypony...may she have an eternity of peace."

Author's Note

If you picture Twilight being like Leslie Knope, it somehow makes this even more funny.

He Deserved It.

"And do you mind telling us what exactly it was that you did wrong?"

Sunset Shimmer blew upward on her bangs. "You already know what I did wrong. Why should I just tell you about it again?"

"Because, Sunset Shimmer, we need you to realize that what you did was wrong."

"Who's we?" Sunset asked. "There are only two people here, you and me."

"Sunset," Celestia facepalmed. "Just...tell me again what you did."

"Flash Sentry broke up with me, then went and started flirting with Blueberry Cake immediately afterwards." Sunset tapped her chin. "Oh yeah, and he took off his shirt and started flexing his muscles to try to impress her, so I ran over there and yelled, 'COVER UP YOUR SAGGY OLD MAN BODY!!!' and beat the living shit out of him." Sunset folded her hands in her lap.

"See? You beat the life out of your ex-boyfriend."

"I'm aware of my actions."

"I have to ask...was that really necessary?"

"Yes. Yes it was. He was flexing in front of her. Flexing."

"And because of this, the cops are on the way. I hope you're happy with yourself, Sunset Shimmer."

"Oh, I am. Because, may I remind you that he was flexing in front of her?" She giggled darkly. "Now, he can't flex again for the rest of his life!"

A week after Sunset Shimmer had been taken away, she was announced as a hero for the death of Flash Sentry.

Author's Note

Oh geez...this is bad. This is REALLY bad. Where did this even come from?!

Flash Sentry's Sunglasses

"Hey, Flash," Blue Saphir, another member of the royal guard, greeted his underclassman. "Me, Demande, and Esmeraude are gonna go out for a drink tonight. Wanna come with?"

"Sorry, Blue. Not tonight." Flash replied. "I was just going to go home...look at a few pictures of me and my exes while wearing my specially made sunglasses..."

Blue cocked his head to the side. "Specially made?"

"Oh! Um..." Flash laughed. "Medicated. I have...somewhat weak eyes."

"Oh. Sorry, dude." Blue smiled. "That must suck."

"It does, but the glasses really help!" Flash said, taking a pair of dark purple sunglasses out of his saddlebag. "They make everypony look like Twilight!"

"...What?"

"EveryTHING! They make everyTHING look like Twilight!" Flash laughed nervously. "Y'know...makes everything look darker?"

"...I see." Blue waved. "Well, I gotta get going. Demande's bringing a new mare tonight...I think her name was Rabbit..." Blue chuckled. "Let's just hope she actually agreed to come with him. Last time, he actually kidnapped a mare! Her name was Serenity, I think...?" He shrugged. "Bye, Flash!"

"Bye, Blue."

When the young tan pegasus was sure he was gone, he slid the sunglasses onto his face, watching as everypony within his sight was transformed into the angelic Princess Twilight.

A drunken Twilight bumped into Flash. "Shorry about that...pal..." The Twilight said in a thick, manly voice.

Flash shuddered. Well...it's not perfect.

Author's Note

Blue Saphir. Demande. Esmeraude. Rabbit. Serenity. Does anyone get it?

Aria Gets Emotional About a Book

Aria sat at her desk in the backrow of the English classroom, book in hand. Slowly, ever so slowly, tears built up in her eyes, fighting to spill over the rim and pour down her face. She blinked, letting the tears flow freely down her pink/purple cheeks.

She opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again, trying to form words. Finally, after a few minutes of speechlessness, she quietly choked out one little word. "...Why?"

Then rage replaced the sorrow, and she stood, sending the book flying across the room and out the window (which had failed to be open at the time). Her face grew red, and the tears kept coming. "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!"

"Ari?" Sonata asked from a row up. "What's wrong? Why are you-"

"RRRRRRRGGGGGGGAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Aria screamed, picked up her desk, turned, and hurled it at the wall. "WHY?! WHY THE HELL DID PRINCESS HONEY DROP HAVE TO DIE?! SHE WAS THE MAIN CHARACTER, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!"

"Ari-"

Aria whipped around and glared at Sonata. "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU!!!"

"Wha-"

"IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!"

"Let's see here..." Celestia muttered as she looked over a list that one of the English teachers had given her. "Destruction of school property, disruption during class, and threatening, all in five minutes?" Celestia looked up at the pink/purple (seriously, what color do you call that?) teenage girl who was sitting in front of her, arms crossed and face twisted into a frown.

"Yeah, that's right."

"May I ask why?"

"Ask the fucking author," Aria sneered. "It was his fault."

"And...you expect me to believe that?"

"Read. The book." Aria said in a demanding tone. "You'll see then."

Celestia sat on the couch in the living room of the apartment that she and Luna shared. Tears worked their way out of her eyes and down her face. "Princess...Honey Drop..."

"Sister?" Luna asked, entering the room from the kitchen. "What is the matter?"

Celestia met her sister's gaze with a glare. "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU!!!"

Luna stared at her elder sister, eyes half-lidded, then turned and walked back into the kitchen.

Author's Note

The story Aria was reading will go up on this site in a few weeks.

Twilight Eats an Enchilada and Everything Is Fine

Twilight chewed on a cheesy mass of tortilla that was suspended in the air by her magic aura while her friends stared with horrified looks.

"What?" The purple alicorn finally asked, picking up a napkin and wiping the excess cheese off her face. "Is something wrong?"

"N-no," Rainbow Dash said, glancing away as she struggled to look casual. "U-um, it's just that...well..."

"Twilight, you do realize what you're eating, don't you?" Rarity asked.

"Mm? Mm! Yeah," she said, nodding and taking another bite. "It's an enchilada. Why?"

"Are you sure about that?" Rainbow asked.

"Rainbow! Of course I'm sure! Why wouldn't I be?"

Rainbow and Applejack exchanged glances.

"Sugarcube, yah...do realize the difference between an enchilada an' a quesadilla, don'tcha?" Applejack asked.

Twilight shuddered. "Oh...please don't talk about quesadillas in my presence, Applejack...you know how I feel about them..."

"Yeah, Ah do know how yah feel about them, Twilight. Mah point is, if yer scared of them, why exactly are yah eatin' one?"

Twilight froze for a minute before laughing. "No, no, Applejack. This is an enchilada. There's a big difference between an enchilada and a quesadilla."

"Yes right, there is. But whut yer eatin' isn't an enchilada, it's a quesadilla."

"What? No." Twilight looked skeptically at the glop of melted cheese that was wrapped in a tortilla that was in her aura. "That's...impossible..."

"I mean, you obviously know what quesadillas look like," Rainbow said. "So why are you convinced that what you're eating is an enchilada? It's obviously a quesadilla."

Twilight dropped the quesadilla onto the castle's floor, cheese splattering everywhere as Twilight stumbled back and gagged. "No...NO!" Her face morphed from that of sickness to rage, and she shot off deeper into the castle. "SPIKE! YOU GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!"

Rainbow collapsed to the ground laughing. "Oh...oh man! How the heck did Spike convince Twilight that that was an enchilada?"

"Ah don't know, sugarcube," Applejack said, starting to snicker herself. "Ah really don't know."

Author's Note

I'm afraid of quesadillas, too. There was this one time that I ate one and then puked all night. They still make me gag whenever I see one. Same with burgers of any kind. I once got some burgers from a gas station, then puked all over my cousin's floor after eating them. On Christmas Eve. Still felt weak and terrible for a week afterwards.

My life is fun.