It's Like Celestia Pissing in Your Mouth
Author's Note
This is the original version, the second version being in the second chapter. The two are mostly the same save for some edits and additions. You're free to read both. Personally, I prefer this version.
Holy Water
“Well... that’s the second time the gala’s been a disaster.”
Rainbow groaned as she wiped the remains of that thing off of her. “Uck…”
“You think this one was better than the last one?” Applejack asked, trotting up beside her.
“Better? Heh, you make it sound like either were good.”
“Oh come on, you can’t say you didn’t find it the least bit fun.”
Rainbow smirked. “Fine, fine… Hey, waiter! Over here!”
“Need a drink after all that?”
“I’d be lying to the Element of Honesty if I said no.”
“Just make sure none of Smooze is in it before you drink up,” Applejack winked.
“Haha… huh.” Rainbow shuddered.
As the waiter walked by, the pegasus didn’t waste a moment in snatching up a drink from his platter. “Want one, Applejack?”
“No thanks.”
“Suit yourself,” she said before throwing back her glass. “Ah, that’s good… What?”
Applejack shook her head, trying to hold back a laugh. “You drained that in just a few seconds. Taste good?”
“You bet! It’s like… like…”
“Mmhm?”
Rainbow grinned like a deer in headlights. “It’s like Celestia pissing in your mouth!”
“…” Applejack blinked. “…What in the hay did you just say?”
“Uh, get it?” Her face could only be described as sheepish. “Cause she’s a goddess, and everything a goddess does…”
Applejack’s eyes narrowed.
“…Is supposed to be… benevolent? Like... even her—”
“Rainbow.”
“Yeah?”
“Everypony’s starin’.”
Rainbow slowly twisted her head around her, making out the horrified stares surrounding her. Some gasped. Others cringed. One fainted.
“…Uh…”
“Yes, Rainbow,” Applejack said, “Everypony heard that.”
“…Um…” Rainbow let out a breath she’d been holding. “Oh, come on. You have to admit it was a little funny.”
“I thought it was funny,” Maud said, excitement bubbling from her monotone voice.
Discord facepalmed.
Not daring to look in Celestia’s direction, the flier turned back to her friend. “Ugh, fine. I made a bad joke.” With a confident “hmph!” she made pace for the hall’s gates. “I think I’ll go for a flight right about now. Besides… What’s the worst that could happen?”
Smooze? Smooze Who? Element of Loyalty, You’re in Trouble!
In a shocking statement by Rainbow Dash, one of Equestria’s saviors and national heroes, she says, and I quote, “It’s like Celestia p---ing in your mouth” when describing a drink. In a matter of hours after this year’s Grand Galloping Gala, the statement spread like wildfire through the streets of Canterlot; we doubt there’s a pony in the capital city that doesn’t know what was said. Needless to say, this has garnered many opinions from confused citizens.
(Names have been changed at the request to remain anonymous).
“It was… um… unexpected.”
—Shutterfly
“I wouldn’t be surprised if she already had a drink or two in her.”
—Orangejack
“Now I’m wondering what her p--- actually tastes like.”
—Dianamena Pink Pie
“Ugh, maybe next year everything will go as… Is that a voice recorder?”
—Twilight Sentry
“My heavens! How could she make such a horrendous, uncouth, disgusting, [words have been edited out due to limitations on the amount of space on the page] inappropriate, and downright vulgar comment. Especially at such a luxurious affair such as this? As if being assaulted by a Smooze thing wasn’t bad enough, now I have to hear about this. Hmph!”
—An unnamed lady with a knack for whining
Princess Celestia herself declined to comment.
Despite all of these concerns, the questions remain unanswered. Rainbow Dash herself has not been seen ever since she left the gala early for a midnight “flight.” What prompted her to say this? Has she tasted her majesty’s holy water? Is Dianamena right in wondering what flavor it is?
Only time will tell as every reporter in Equestria is expected to track down the Element of Loyalty like hound dogs to a runaway. Hopefully our curiosity will be quenched in due time.
Rainbow slowly set down the newspaper, eyes staring forward into eternity.
“Oh dear Celestia…” she whispered.
“This don’t look good,” Applejack said, sipping at her drink as she reclined into her chair, “Sounds like you’re the most wanted mare in Equestria.”
“Any other day, I’d take that as a compliment. Ugh, what are we going to do?”
Applejack shook her head. “We? No, you. Get off my farm.”
“What? Why?”
“Cause I don’t feel like bein’ invaded by reporters any time soon.”
Rainbow stamped her hoof. “Oh, come on. What’s the chance that this is the first place they’ll—”
“There she is!”
“Get your microphones ready!”
“Roger that. Locked and loaded.”
The two mares gasped as the bushes around them exploded into swarms of reporters, the word “interview” shining in each of their faces.
“Shoot! They’ve already found you! Fly, Rainbow, fly! I’ll hold them off!”
“What?! I’m not going to leave you—”
“Go!”
With a last glance at her friend, Rainbow sighed. Spreading her wings, she shot off for the sky. As the farm house shrunk smaller and smaller below her, she could just barely make out the sounds of “Has your friend ever been close to the princess?” and “Do you approve of coprophilia?”
“Poor AJ…” she said before disappearing in a flash of light.
“Huh? What?” she said, glancing around as her surroundings morphed from sky to room. “Wait, I know this place! This is—”
“That’s right, Rainbow. I’ve teleported you to my throne room.”
Her eyes widened as recognized the voice. “Princess!”
“In the flesh,” Celestia said, walking into view.
Rainbow shuddered at the cold stare on the princess’s face. “Uh, you don’t look happy.”
She shook her head.
“…Would you say you’re… pissed off?”
She narrowed her eyes.
“…Sorry.”
Celestia sighed. “It’s alright. I assume you know why I summoned you here?”
“I can take a guess. Last night at the Gala?”
“Indeed.”
“...So… Do you want me to apologize or something? I can do that.”
“No, I need two things from you,” she said, gesturing for Rainbow to follow behind as she walked to the balcony doors, “First, I need you to fix this.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Reaching the balcony rails, Celestia pointed down toward the castle gates, visible far below.
“Is that a crowd?” Rainbow asked.
“Yes, yes it is. We at the castle kindly refer to them as the nutcases.”
“Heh.”
Celestia glared at her. “This is no laughing matter, Rainbow. Those ponies are nothing but extremists that protest every little thing at the castle, including what kind of food we serve. That actually happened. And now…”
“…Now what?”
Her voice a humbled whisper, she said, “Now they call for my urine.”
“…What?”
“You heard me correctly. They want it for who knows what? I’d bet that some of them actually want to…” She shuddered. “Taste it… Rainbow, in all my eons of rule, this is by far the worst curse ever placed on me. I’ve never felt so repulsed in my life.”
“Okay then.” Clearing her throat, she said, “And second?”
“Second?”
“The second thing you needed from me?”
“Ah yes. Excuse me if I act un-princess like, but why in my mother’s name would you say that about me?!”
Rainbow let out a few awkward chuckles. “Well, like I said to Applejack, you’re a goddess. And they say everything a god or goddess does is benevolent… even their… you know.”
Celestia stared without a word for a few long seconds before sighing. Pointing her hoof off the balcony, she said, “Just go. You’re the only pony with a chance of calming down the nutcases.”
“Right!” With a quick salute, she flew off the balcony.
Within a minute, Rainbow touched down by the castle gates, a mere foreleg’s length away from the crowd. Drawing in a breath she yelled, “Hey! All of you! What are—”
“It’s her! Everyone look!”
“Rainbow Dash?!”
“Our lord and savior!”
As the crowd erupted into a dissonant mess of cheers and squeals, Rainbow decided it was in her best interest to take a fair few steps back. “Uh, guys?! Wanna quiet down for a second?! And what do you mean by lord and savior?!”
“I’ll answer that, your lordship,” said an earth pony as he came forward from the crowd. Instantly, the ponies all hushed at the sight of the wild-maned pony with a goofy smiley face for a cutie mark. “I’ve been theorizing this for years, and now someone’s finally proved it.”
“Uh, what?”
His lips curled into a mad grin. “Why, the theory of Celestia’s piss, of course. All the evidence I’ve collected points to such an obvious conclusion!”
“…Which is…?”
“Celestia is the fountain of youth! Her piss is the key to immortality, and you’re the one to finally prove it. Why, I can just feel the immortality radiating off of you now.” He took in a deep breath. “…Delicious.”
Rainbow decided to take another step back. “Okay, you really are nutcases. Let me get something straight to all of you. I did not drink the princess’s piss.”
“There’s no need to be modest.”
“Really! This just plain gross now. I was making a joke earlier, but this is insane.”
“But the fountain of youth!”
“She’s not—”
“I have it!” a voice called from behind, followed by a pony covered in sludge running toward them, “I have the piss!”
“What is it comrade?” the lead nutcase asked.
“I… Oh! Lord and savior! I’m glad you’re here. Anyway, I spent the past four hours crawling through the castle sewage pipes to get…” He held up a flask filled with a suspiciously yellow liquid.
“Is that what I think it is?”
Rainbow made a sound akin to a squeak.
Snatching up the flash and uncorking it, the nutcase grinned. “Finally. After long last…”
“Wait, what?!” Rainbow gasped, “You’re not seriously going to…?”
“I am. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for my whole life.”
“But-but it’s just piss! You can’t drink that! It won’t give you immortality!”
“I admire your modesty lord and savior, but I must. Well, bottom’s up!”
Frozen in disgust, Rainbow could do nothing but watch.
“What happened next?” Applejack asked.
Rainbow sighed before throwing back another swig of cider. “They got what they wanted. That was enough to convince them to go home until the next public scandal.”
“Can’t say I’m sad that I missed that, Rainbow. I’d take another pack of reporters any day. What did the Princess have to say about it?”
“Not much. She stormed off, mentioning something about a memory bleach spell.”
Applejack shrugged. “Can’t blame her. Do you really think that pony in the sewer really got her…?”
“Don’t know, don’t care. Just glad it’s over.”
“Mmhm. Well, feel free to stay on the farm until the reporters give up. They know not to come around here anymore.”
“Heh, thanks,” she said.
“…So what have you learned from all this?”
“Huh?”
“You know. We always learn from our mistakes.”
“I doubt this would make a good friendship report. But why not? Hey, I’ll write a letter detailing how you should never describe something as tasting like royal piss.”
Applejack smirked.
“Oh, whatever. I’m just glad this is over,” she said, “So what do you think next year’s Gala will be like?”
It's Like Celestia Pissing in Your Mouth
Holy Water (Alternate Version)
Author's Note
A slightly rewritten version. Most of the story is the same, but there are a few edits and additions sprinkled about. Most notable are two new scenes. A bit of warning: this is like the "nothing held back" version.
Enjoy!
Holy Water (Alternate Version)
“Well... that’s the second time the gala’s been a disaster.”
Rainbow groaned as she wiped the remains of that thing off of her. “Uck…”
“You think this one was better than the last one?” Applejack asked, trotting up beside her.
“Better? Heh, you make it sound like either were good.”
“Oh come on, you can’t say you didn’t find it the least bit fun.”
Rainbow smirked. “Fine, fine… Hey, waiter! Over here!”
“Need a drink after all that?”
“I’d be lying to the Element of Honesty if I said no.”
“Just make sure none of Smooze is in it before you drink up,” Applejack winked.
“Haha… huh.” Rainbow shuddered.
As the waiter walked by, the pegasus didn’t waste a moment in snatching up a drink from his platter. “Want one, Applejack?”
“No thanks.”
“Suit yourself,” she said before throwing back her glass. “Ah, that’s good… What?”
Applejack shook her head, trying to hold back a laugh. “You drained that in just a few seconds. Taste good?”
“You bet! It’s like… like…”
“Mmhm?”
Rainbow grinned like a deer in headlights. “It’s like Celestia pissing in your mouth!”
“…” Applejack blinked. “…What in the hay did you just say?”
“Uh, get it?” Her face could only be described as sheepish. “’Cause she’s a goddess, and everything a goddess does…”
Applejack’s eyes narrowed.
“…Is supposed to be… benevolent? Like... even her—”
“Rainbow.”
“Yeah?”
“Everypony’s starin’.”
Rainbow slowly twisted her head around her, making out the horrified stares surrounding her. Some gasped. Others cringed. One fainted.
“…Uh…”
“Yes, Rainbow,” Applejack said, “Everypony heard that.”
“…Um…” Rainbow let out a breath she’d been holding. “Oh, come on. You have to admit it was a little funny.”
“I thought it was funny,” Maud said, excitement bubbling from her monotone voice.
Discord facepalmed.
Not daring to look in Celestia’s direction, the flier turned back to her friend. “Ugh, fine. I made a bad joke.” With a confident “hmph!” she made pace for the hall’s gates. “I think I’ll go for a flight right about now. Besides… What’s the worst that could happen?”
Smooze? Smooze Who? Element of Loyalty, You’re in Trouble!
In a shocking statement by Rainbow Dash, one of Equestria’s saviors and national heroes, she says, and I quote, “It’s like Celestia p---ing in your mouth” when describing a drink. In a matter of hours after this year’s Grand Galloping Gala, the statement spread like wildfire through the streets of Canterlot; we doubt there’s a pony in the capital city that doesn’t know what was said. Needless to say, this has garnered many opinions from confused citizens.
(Names have been changed at the request to remain anonymous).
“It was… um… unexpected.”
—Shutterfly
“I wouldn’t be surprised if she already had a drink or two in her.”
—Orangejack
“Now I’m wondering what her p--- actually tastes like.”
—Dianamena Pink Pie
“Ugh, maybe next year everything will go as… Is that a voice recorder?”
—Twilight Sentry
“My heavens! How could she make such a horrendous, uncouth, disgusting, [words have been edited out due to limitations on the amount of space on the page] inappropriate, and downright vulgar comment. Especially at such a luxurious affair such as this? As if being assaulted by a Smooze thing wasn’t bad enough, now I have to hear about this. Hmph!”
—An unnamed lady with a knack for whining
Princess Celestia herself declined to comment.
Despite all of these concerns, the questions remain unanswered. Rainbow Dash herself has not been seen ever since she left the gala early for a midnight “flight.” What prompted her to say this? Has she tasted her majesty’s holy water? Is Dianamena right in wondering what flavor it is?
Only time will tell as every reporter in Equestria is expected to track down the Element of Loyalty like hound dogs to a runaway. Hopefully our curiosity will be quenched in due time.
Rainbow slowly set down the newspaper, eyes staring forward into eternity.
“Oh dear Celestia…” she whispered.
“This don’t look good,” Applejack said, sipping at her drink as she reclined into her chair. “Sounds like you’re the most wanted mare in Equestria.”
“Any other day, I’d take that as a compliment. Ugh, what are we going to do?”
Applejack shook her head. “We? No, you. Get off my farm.”
“What? Why?”
“Cause I don’t feel like bein’ invaded by reporters any time soon.”
Rainbow stamped her hoof. “Oh, come on. What’s the chance that this is the first place they’ll—”
“There she is!”
“Get your microphones ready!”
“Roger that. Locked and loaded.”
The two mares gasped as the bushes around them exploded into swarms of reporters, the word “interview” shining in each of their faces.
“Shoot! They’ve already found you! Fly, Rainbow, fly! I’ll hold them off!”
“What?! I’m not going to leave you—”
“Go!”
With a last glance at her friend, Rainbow sighed. Spreading her wings, she shot off for the sky. As the farm house shrunk smaller and smaller below her, she could just barely make out the sounds of “Has your friend ever been close to the princess?” and “Do you approve of coprophilia?”
“Poor AJ…” she said before disappearing in a flash of light.
“Huh? What?” she said, glancing around as her surroundings morphed from sky to room. “Wait, I know this place! This is—”
“That’s right, Rainbow. I’ve teleported you to my throne room.”
Her eyes widened as she recognized the voice. “Princess!”
“In the flesh,” Celestia said, walking into view.
Rainbow shuddered at the cold stare on the princess’s face. “Uh, you don’t look happy.”
She shook her head.
“…Would you say you’re… pissed off?”
She narrowed her eyes.
“…Sorry.”
Celestia sighed. “It’s alright. I assume you know why I summoned you here?”
“I can take a guess. Last night at the Gala?”
“Indeed.”
“...So… Do you want me to apologize or something? I can do that.”
“No, I need two things from you,” she said, gesturing for Rainbow to follow behind as she walked to the balcony doors. “First, I need you to fix this.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Reaching the balcony rails, Celestia pointed down toward the castle gates, visible far below.
“Is that a crowd?” Rainbow asked.
“Yes, yes it is. We at the castle kindly refer to them as the nutcases.”
“Heh.”
Celestia glared at her. “This is no laughing matter, Rainbow. Those ponies are nothing but extremists that protest every little thing at the castle. Why, they even demanded I extinguish the sun so the light doesn't get in their eyes! The nerve of them... And now…”
“…Now what?”
Her voice a humbled whisper, she said, “Now they call for my urine.”
“…What?”
“You heard me correctly. They want it for who knows what? I’d bet that some of them actually want to taste it. Rainbow, in all my eons of rule, this is by far the worst curse ever placed on me. Ponies only taste my urine with my approval.”
“...Okay then.” Clearing her throat, she said, “And second?”
“Second?”
“The second thing you needed from me?”
“Ah yes. Excuse me if I act un-princess like, but...” She leaned down to Rainbow's eye level, a sultry smile appearing on her lips as she made half-open bedroom eyes. Voice a husky whisper, she said, “I never knew you were into this kind of thing. It's always been...” She licked her lips. “My fetish.”
Rainbow's jaw hit the floor, echoing into the open chamber.
“I-I don't, uh, you...”
Celestia giggled. “There's no need to be shy, Rainbow. Believe me, finding somepony else with the the same interest is cause for celebration! ”
Legend says the whimper that escaped Rainbow's mouth can be heard to this day.
”Alas,” the sun goddess said, ”Now is not the time to see who can gargle urine the longest. You still have a task to complete, but feel free to return when it's over. I promise it'll be worth your time...”
Without even a goodbye, Rainbow tossed herself off the balcony. ”No, no, no, no, no!” she whined. ”No, no, no. Just no. Nope. Never. No!”
...I wonder if Twilight has a mind bleach spell... Despite her broken mental capacity, the mare still knew she had a task to carry out. Then and only then would this nightmare end.
Within a minute, Rainbow touched down by the castle gates, a mere foreleg’s length away from the crowd. Drawing in a breath she yelled, “Hey! All of you! What are—”
“It’s her! Everyone look!”
“Rainbow Dash?!”
“Our lord and savior!”
As the crowd erupted into a dissonant mess of cheers and squeals, Rainbow decided it was in her best interest to take a fair few steps back. “Uh, guys?! Wanna quiet down for a second?! And what do you mean by lord and savior?!”
“I’ll answer that, your lordship,” said an earth pony as he came forward from the crowd. Instantly, the ponies all hushed at the sight of the wild-maned pony with a goofy smiley face for a cutie mark. “I’ve been theorizing this for years, and now someone’s finally proved it.”
“Uh, what?”
His lips curled into a mad grin. “Why, the theory of Celestia’s piss, of course. All the evidence I’ve collected points to such an obvious conclusion!”
“…Which is…?”
“Celestia is the fountain of youth! Her piss is the key to immortality, and you’re the one to finally prove it. Why, I can just feel the immortality radiating off of you now.” He took in a deep breath. “…Delicious.”
Rainbow decided to take another step back. “Okay, you really are nutcases. Let me get something straight to all of you. I did not drink the princess’s piss.”
“There’s no need to be modest.”
“Really! This is just plain gross now. I was making a joke earlier, but this is insane.”
“But the fountain of youth!”
“She’s not—”
“I have it!” a voice called from behind, followed by a pony covered in sludge running toward them, “I have the piss!”
“What is it comrade?” the lead nutcase asked.
“I… Oh! Lord and savior! I’m glad you’re here. Anyway, I spent the past four hours crawling through the castle sewage pipes to get…” He held up a flask filled with a suspiciously yellow liquid.
“Is that what I think it is?”
Rainbow made a sound akin to a squeak.
Snatching up the flask and uncorking it, the nutcase grinned. “Finally. At long last…”
“Wait, what?!” Rainbow gasped, “You’re not seriously going to…?”
“I am. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for my whole life.”
“But-but it’s just piss! You can’t drink that! It won’t give you immortality!”
“I admire your modesty lord and savior, but I must. Well, bottom’s up!”
Frozen in disgust, Rainbow could do nothing but watch as the sludgy, yellow liquid seeped from the bottle and down his throat.
“Ah, that's the good stuff,” he said, wiping his mouth. “I... I can feel the power surging through me already, comrades!” The crowd erupted into cheer and excitement. Rainbow, meanwhile, held back the urge to vomit.
“It feels amazing...” he continued. “Lord and savior, is this how it felt when you drank from the fountain of youth? Or did you get it directly from the source?”
Rainbow's eyes flew open, followed by her breakfast making a second appearance that day.
With a warm, contented sigh, the nutcase smiled. “This is it, my comrades. I can feel something coming. It... it's magnificent. It feels like a fire is raging in my gut. I-I'm becoming immortal, I'm sure! This... is truly it!”
Without a word more, the stallion burst into flames, becoming an inferno of fire and sparks as a suspiciously yellow liquid oozed out of his mouth and into the air, evaporating into the heavens above.
“What happened next?” Applejack asked.
Rainbow sighed before throwing back another swig of cider. “Believe it or not, they got what they wanted. It only took them five seconds to declare that he'd been immortalized in a non-physical form. 'No longer needing a mortal body.' At least that was enough to convince them to go home until the next public scandal.”
“Can’t say I’m sad that I missed that, Rainbow. I’d take another pack of reporters any day. What did the Princess have to say about it?”
“For some reason, I can't remember. It's all blurry. Twilight said not to ask, so...” She shrugged.
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “...Well alrighty then. Do you really think that pony in the sewer really got her…?”
“They had to call in Discord to help get the burn marks and ashes off the sidewalk. I'm not saying it was, but I don't know what else could do that.”
“Mmhm. Well, feel free to stay on the farm until the reporters give up. They know not to come around here anymore.”
“Heh, thanks,” she said.
“…So what have you learned from all this?”
“Huh?”
“You know. We always learn from our mistakes.”
“I doubt this would make a good friendship report. But why not? Hey, I’ll write a letter detailing how you should never describe something as tasting like royal piss.”
Applejack smirked.
“Oh, whatever. I’m just glad this is over,” she said, “So what do you think next year’s Gala will be like?”
