I Thought You Understood...
I meant to tell him ages ago. Up until yesterday, I had somehow fooled myself into thinking that I had already told him. If that had been true, then maybe I wouldn't be in this situation.
I should have seen this coming. I know Discord better than anypony else in the world and I've come to expect these sorts of things miles before they arrive.
But this is an exception. It shouldn't be an exception, but it is.
"I don't understand why you're doing this! We were all getting along so well!"
I'm lying. Well, the first part is a lie. I do understand: he's jealous. I'm terrified; usually he's a real sweetheart when I'm with him, but now...I can't tell whether he's joking of being serious, and I really think it's the latter.
I can't let him do this. He'll regret it later if he follows through with his threat, and seeing him like that will only add to the pain of losing Treesey.
"As well as we could, considering you've already stomped all over our friendship by inviting her to the biggest night of the year! As if I didn't matter at all!"
I can't help but pause. He's serious. He literally thinks that I don't care about him. There's sincerity and anger in his eyes, but I can see that this is hurting him even more than its hurting me.
"Did you really think I'd abandon you, just because I have a new friend?!"
I hope he'll see reason. I absolutely hate to argue, especially if its with one of my closest friends. I'm close to losing my confidence now: I can feel it.
"Yes! Because that's what you did!"
It's gone.
"N-no -" I try, desperately, but I can't: he's right. I turn away from him and look around the wrecked Gala hall. I know he's responsible for ruining everything, but I can't scold him about it, not now.
As he rests his claw on my shoulder, I have to avert my eyes. I can't look at him; I don't want to provoke the tears that I can already feel stinging my eyes.
The truth is, I thought he got it. I thought he picked up on my hints, and when he reacted so...mildly, I assumed that maybe...
But it wasn't mild at all, was it? I knew from the beginning he was irritated, I just thought that...no, there's no excuse for it. I was too distracted by Treesey to notice it.
I look up at him, placing my hoof on his talon. I should've known something else was up, but...I didn't bother to look. Oh, I'm so selfish...
"D-Discord," I stutter, sniffing. He's concerned now; he knows me so well that he picks up on even the slightest hints of emotion. Well, except for yesterday...I'm so bad at deliberate hinting, I should've just told him straight out!
"Yes, F-Fluttershy?" He's scared, too. He thinks I'm going to shout at him again. I shouldn't have shouted at him the first time; it wasn't his fault for assuming I didn't want to be friends with him anymore. It wasn't anyone's...oh, who am I kidding: it was mine.
"P-put her down, please." He does it immediately, dissipating the portal and even forming a giant cushion for Treesey to land on.
I wish he hadn't. Well, I don't, but...this is just clarification for mine and Twilight's suspicions. He's so darn nice to me it's annoying; sometimes I wonder if that's how I appear to other ponies.
He tries too hard. I'm usually the doormat, but when it comes to Discord I can walk all over him without even meaning or wanting to.
"N-now, bring my f-friends back," I say, attempting to be soft but he reacts like it's a command from his general. I really hope he didn't suspect things from my choice of words, I really, really don't...
I have to tell him, straight out.
I fly down to Twilight, who looks even more annoyed than Rainbow right now. It's not that I necessarily need somepony else's opinion, but I want all the reassurance I can get.
"Twilight, I've been thinking about what you said, and..." I gulp, glancing back at Discord and lowering my voice, "do you really think he..."
I doubt I would've been able to finish that sentence, had she not come to my rescue. "Positive," she growls. "After the way he acted tonight, I'd say it's more than just a crush."
I feel my pupils dilate and I take another look at Discord, hovering so innocently as he stares at me; of course he's staring at me.
"Oh...my...goodness..." I whisper as Twilight trots over to Princess Celestia. I gulp, then speed over to Treesey. I nudge her hoof with mine, subtly so Discord won't notice and go crazy again. "I'll be back in a minute, I just need to take care of something."
"Take all the time you need, honey," she replies with a small but sweet smile. "Best wishes."
I'm about to fly away, but she stops me for a moment by adding, "Oh, and Flutters?" I turn. "You're friend's a nice guy, I can see why you like him."
I hold her gaze for a second, then she blinks one of her long, lovely blinks and I can turn again.
Discord is confused. Of course he's confused. Thank Celestia he isn't showing any signs of jealousy as I near him.
"Fluttershy?"
"Discord, can we go somewhere? The roof, maybe?" I give him a fake smile, but he takes it. Oh gosh, am I leading him on? Oh gosh, oh no, oh nononononon -
"Fluttershy," he states, less cautiously this time. We're on the roof now. It's cold up here; refreshingly cold. My manestyle is coming loose - oh, I hope Rarity won't mind...
No. This is about Discord.
"Fluttershy, why didn't you take me to the Gala?" I don't look at him; I can't look at him.
I look at him; if this is ever going to work, I need to be brave.
"I was going to, Discord," I begin steadily. "When Twilight gave me my ticket and I noticed the allowance for a 'plus one', my first thought was you. I haven't seen much of you since what happened with Tirek, since you conjured up your own house, and I honestly couldn't think of a better way to spend time with you.
"But then Treesey sent me a letter, telling me about a rare species of animal she came across. I barely even remembered her at the time, but I went to see her and and we...well...bonded.
"I-I got so caught up in...her, that I forgot about you. So when I found out she didn't have her own ticket to the Gala, and how much she wanted to attend, I...I asked her without a second thought of you."
He looks up at me. He's going to cry. I've never seen him cry before; I don't think I'll be able to handle it...maybe this wasn't such a good idea, after all...
I have to continue. "I...I'm so, so sorry, Discord. I was selfish, and I drove you to do this." I was wrong: he's not the one who's going to cry; it's me. "This...this is all my fault..." The tears fall, and I cannot go on.
He strokes me cheek, just as I expected he would. I don't want him to touch me. I don't...I don't want to...he's not...I...I...
Oh, who am I kidding: I need him to comfort me.
"Don't you dare say that," he says softly. Why is he so concerned? I know why. I know why. "I took it too far."
"It was my selfishness that made you do it," I say suddenly. "I can't fully blame you for what you did. I'm sorry."
He grins, but I don't want him to grin. "Don't be. There's enough..." He leans closer. "Blame..." Closer. "To share."
I know what he's doing. As he is leaning nearer, he slows downs for me; slow enough for me to do something, to stop this before it gets too far.
But I don't. I am such an idiot.
And I still don't do anything when he kisses me. I am frozen in place, letting the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony kiss me.
No, scratch that; I'm kissing him.
I hate myself. I am such a selfish, cruel, idiotic mare.
Because I know he's in love with me. I've known it since before Twilight asked me about it. I've denied it for so long, but I've always known its true.
But here's the thing:
I'm not in love with him.
My eyes snap open and let out a bucket of tears as I shove him away. I am sobbing. I'm so cruel. I'm so stupid. I'm so...so...selfish.
I'm so selfish that I disregarded him and his efforts for the entirety of the night.
I'm so selfish that I was too busy with my own problems to ensure that I wasn't leading him on, and then when he finally did something I rejected him.
I'm so selfish that I'm crying out of self-pity, and I've only just realised because he's concerned for me again. He's confused, lovestruck and guilty, all at once.
He doesn't know why I'm crying. He's asking why; what's the matter; if I'm alright. I can't hear him. I can only weep and weep and weep.
He takes me in his arms and holds me for what seems like forever. He holds me until my shoulders stop shaking, until my eyes stop crying. He holds me until I'm calm.
I've gotten snot and tears all over his fur; his beautiful, soft brown fur. And he notices, but he doesn't mind in the slightest.
Because here's the thing about Discord: he's my best friend.
I know I'm horrible for ranking my friends. Ive known them all for years. I've gone on amy an adventure with them. I love them all and I don't know what I'd do without them.
But I love Discord more. Because he's funny; he's crazy; he's magical. Because he's kind; he's sweet; he's nervous. He's there for me if and when I need him and always trying to please me, all because he's deeply and hopelessly in love with me.
And I can never repay him equally, because the feelings are not mutual.
It's freezing. I can feel the cold air on my face. But it's only on my face, because Discord is holding me in a warm, loving embrace.
It's too warm. It's too loving. But I do not dare move.
"I love you, you know that?" I say nuzzling him. I'm calm now: if he tries to do something, I can handle it.
In my peripheral vision, I can see he's beaming. "I love you too, Fluttershy." Discord eases my head back and starts to arch his head down, but I'm ready this time.
I press a hoof to his lips. "Not like that. I love you, as a friend."
The effect is sudden. His ears droop and I'm back to hating myself.
"Discord, I'm not joking. I love you." I try to smile; I fail.
"You love me, do you?" he snarls, and I'm scared all of a sudden. "You love me, just like you love everypony else?! Is this you trying to make me feel special?!"
"No, I -"
"Because, if it is, I darn well isn't working!" he snaps, crossing his arms. I know he's more upset than angry; he's completely heartbroken.
"Discord, p-plea -"
"How did you decide?" he asks, harsh but incredulous. "If you love all your friends so much, then how did you pick Tree Cuddle -"
"Tree Hugger."
"Whatever! How in Equestria's name did you pick her," he gestures randomly to the floor. "Over me?"
An unexpected tear falls from my cheek: this is it; I'm going to have to tell him. "Because I love her."
"But you love me too, don't you?! You said so, just now. How do you decide?! You barely even know her -!"
"She's my marefriend!" I scream, louder than I initially intended. He's completely taken aback at first, then he's angry. Then he's sad: devastatingly sad.
"Oh..."
I hug him. I hug him tighter than I have ever hugged anyone before in my entire life. I could probably rival Pinkie's hugs, but this one isn't as air-depriving.
And he hugs me back.
"Just so you know," I say into his fur. "Your my best friend. That's where I was going with the 'I love you' thing. I can't tell you how much you mean to me. Today reminded me of that, and I got scared that our friendship would shatter."
"Oh, it won't." He chuckles. "You can count on that, my dear." He bites his lip. "You...you sure you wanna stay with Tree Hugger? Because, if you change your mind...I-I'm always open." He smiles sheepishly.
I grin too. "I know you will be. And that's why I'm so lucky to have you."
"Fluttershy, honey, I'm going now," Tree Embrace calls, and I rush downstairs to give he a quick kiss before she goes.
She's standing in my doorway, waiting for me to say goodbye. After I peck her on the lips, I say, "Are you sure you're alright with going? Discord really doesn't mind your company - I'd say he even enjoys it!"
She laughs - not sarcastically, but beautifully. "Sweetie, it's Tuesday. It's your day! I can't butt in on that, now can I?"
I giggle gratefully; I was hoping shed say that. "Have fun, Tree Embrace."
She squeezes my hoof. "Darling, you'll have to thank him again for that gorgeous name. Goodbye now, love you!"
"Love you, too!" I wave, then close the door. The moment it's shut, Discord appears on my couch.
"Good morning, my dear!" He beams. "I trust you and Treesey are well?"
I fly over and take my place next to him. "Of course we are. And you?"
He brushes my mane. I've gotten used to these affectionate touches by now. They used to alarm me, but we both know it's never going to go anywhere. "Much better, now I'm with you, my dear."
I giggle and peck him on the cheek. To this day, he still blushes like a little foal whenever I do that. I giggle again, and he blushes harder, looking away.
"Hey." I nuzzle his paw, getting him to look back again. He's happy once more, so I smile. "I love you."
He hugs me and replies, "And I love you, too."
