You are sickened by the weakness, of a heart that's filled with fear; and if the world won't understand you, you can make it disappear
Discord lay on his bed, staring up at the swirling, psychedelic green and orange of the bedroom ceiling.
He was in a quandry.
Once again, Fluttershy had forgiven him and even Tree Hugger had seemed ameniable to his apologies eventually, but something in him still ached. Fluttershy had been furious with him, and he didn't like it when she was furious with him. He felt confused half the time and hurt the other half.
He had overreacted.
Just a skosh.
He groaned and turned on his side, a fresh ache in his heart. Why was he always getting things wrong? Why did he care so much? This friendship thing was baffling sometimes, but what was even more baffling to him was how much he wanted it. How did everyone else find it so easy to go through every day not knowing if they would lose a friend? Was it because they had more than one of them?
He bit his lip and furrowed his brow as he tried to think who would be best suited to listening to his problems. He didn't want to go and see Twilight again as he often went to her to ask and though he loved annoying her, right now he really didn't want to deal with her being angry at him. Pinkie scared him. He still wasn't sure why. She had a bit of chaos in her, so surely they should be getting along? Maybe it was her voice. She could be quite shrill, however well meaning. No...it had to be someone else this time. Someone who could give him advice on what he was worried about.
Who did he know who knew something of what it meant to overreact...?
A sound like a service bell echoed through the room as Discord's ears shot upwards and his eyes came into focus with realization.
Ah, yes...
Rarity laid the new silk fabric that had just been delivered to the boutique on her couch. The colours and textures were gorgeous. She was sure this year's Spring line was going to be a success. She had spent months on the designs in her sketchbook and mood boards, and now that the material was finally here she could make a start on the finished product.
The loud sound of Discord flashing into the boutique made her jump.
"Rarity! I need to talk to you!"
Oh, NO.
"Oh...Discord. I'm afraid you've caught me at an inopportune moment...you see, I really need to start working on this collection, and..."
"But Rarity! It's important. I..I have a friendship problem! And you're the only one I can talk to about it." He made a whining puppy noise.
"Am I?"
"Yes, undoubtedly."
"Why me, specifically."
"Well, I chose to come and speak to you because I overreacted at the gala."
"...and?"
"Isn't it obvious? You overreact all the time. Therefore I feel we two kindred spirits should have a bit of girl talk over the situation."
Rarity fumed internally. How rude of him! He was always rude. He was rude deliberately and he was rude without realizing it, and it was difficult to tell which one it was this time.
"First of all, I do not overreact."
Discord cocked an eyebrow and snorted. He then vanished and reappeared on the fabric Rarity had laid out. She gasped.
"Oh puh-leese," Discord drawled. "You even have this fainting couch handy". He patted the couch and the fabric laid over it. Before Rarity could even think of what to say, a huge tub of ice cream appeared in Discord's arms and he began unceremoniously shovelling it into his mouth as he began to cry. A pink bathrobe and bunny slippers appeared on his person.
"She's mad at me!" he wailed between mouthfuls. "I know she says she's forgiven me but I know I've upset her...a-aand it hurts when I upset her because..." he paused, and looked at the ceiling, then said "uh..nothing."
"Hmph."
Rarity wasn't about to take the bait. Discord clearly wanted to talk about something but she really needed to get back to work.
"Discord, I'm afraid I simply don't have time for this. Maybe in a few days, but right now...."
"Please, Rarity! I need to talk to someone! I've been agonizing over this for days!"
Discord continued to shovel ice cream into his mouth and sob.
"Okay, okay! I'll give you a little of my time. Just promise me that if I talk to you for an hour you will let me get on with my work afterwards."
Discord's bottom lip wobbled a little and he cracked an awkward smile at her in gratitude.
"Now," said Rarity, patting Discord awkwardly on the shoulder. "What is the problem, specifically? I thought you and Fluttershy had made up."
"We have. That's true, it's just. I..."
He hesistated.
"Yes?"
"I don't understand. I keep getting this pain in my chest when I think about her being upset with me."
"That's understandable. It hurts when you know you've upset a friend."
"Has she said anything to you about the gala?"
Rarity was starting to suspect there was more going on here than Discord was letting on. Why was Discord so concerned?
"Haven't you two talked it over?"
"Yes. I'm just. Rarity, how does everyone find emotions so easy to deal with?"
"They don't all the time."
"Everyone just seems to get on with their lives and...grr." He growled in frustration. "It's all so complicated...and stupid!" He shoved his entire snout into the ice cream tub and a fresh wave of tears blanketed his eyes.
"I'm not going to be able to help you until you tell me what's bothering you."
Discord removed the tub from his snout and looked at the ground. A ring of strawberry flavoured ice cream coated his muzzle.
"I'm in love with Fluttershy," he mumbled.
"Obviously."
"You know?"
"Everybody knows! You aren't exactly subtle about it."
"Has she said anything?" he leaned over the edge of the couch.
"Not that I know of. I'm not even sure she realizes it."
Discord seemed to be struggling with the next question. Rarity looked at him pointedly as if to say the clock is ticking.
His voice was barely audible. "Does...does she like me the same way?"
The snot from his left nostril threatened to drip down onto the tapestry covering the couch he was perched on. Rarity gritted her teeth as she watched the bead of clear but green tinged mucus wobble and threaten to separate from Discord with each sob.
Breathe, Rarity. Breathe.
The globule of mucus fell.
The dam in Rarity broke. “For goodness sakes, of course she doesn’t! How can you expect her to have feelings for you after everything that you've done!”
Discord jumped at her outburst, and then looked at her in shock.
“I…had expected you to be a little less blunt about it.”
"Then it's clearly something you already know."
"Not exactly. I needed to hear it."
Rarity could see more tears threatening to fall from Discord, only this time they weren't the overly dramatic tears that she could roll her eyes at. They were genuine because Discord was trying to hold them back. She softened a little. The tapestry could wait. She would ask Twilight if she had a cleaning spell. Helping a friend was more important right now, and she did consider Discord a friend, albeit an annoying one that was difficult to understand. Besides, it wasn't as if she hadn't had her own experiences with jealousy and bad behaviour. She thought about how jealous she had been when Trenderhoof seemed to prefer Applejack's company. She didn't even know him very well, she had simply wanted validation. Discord and Fluttershy were best friends, and were very close. If anything his worry over losing Fluttershy was more valid than her worry that Trenderhoof wasn't attracted to her. What wasn't valid was his appalling behaviour at the gala. However, he did seem genuinely sorry about it. She also vaguely wondered if she had the power to make the universe disappear when she was upset, whether she would exercise it out of sheer frustration or pain. In that respect the Chaos god had been surprisingly restrained.
"Er...listen, darling," she said softly."That was rather harsh of me. Sorry, it's all the Spring stress. Work builds up. But, regarding your situation; It's...not the end of the world".
"Says who?"
"Well, for one thing, why do you think Fluttershy yelled at you?"
"Because I threatened to send her friend to the third dimension?"
"Well, yes. But besides that."
"She hates me?" He sniffled, pulling up another gob of dangling snot back into his nose.
"No!"
"I don't understand."
"Darling, Fluttershy wants you to become a better person. That's because she cares about you."
"Why would anyone care about me? Especially when everything I touch turns to cowpat."
Rarity looked alarmed. This was rather maudlin, even for Discord.
"Er...you did realize that Fluttershy and Tree Hugger weren't an item?"
"I know Rarity, I'm not stupid."
Goodness, he was difficult to talk to! It felt like all the advice she was giving him was being thrown back in her face. He had behaved like a jealous coltfriend when he found out Fluttershy was taking another friend to the gala. He was so mercurial she was never entirely sure where his rollercoaster of emotions was going to derail off to next.
Why had he acted that way towards her friend? Was Discord really that inexperienced with love? She tried to think of how best to approach the subject.
"Have you...er...ever...you know?"
"Have I ever what?"
"With a mare?"
To her surprise, Discord threw back his head and cackled.
"Rarity, I've not only been with mares, I've been with stallions. I've been with people who weren't even ponies. Do you really think little old moi has never done the horizontal mambo?"
"That is not what I meant!" said Rarity, turning bright red. "I was talking about relationships!" That was half true; she hadn't meant that exclusively, but she had assumed that Discord had less experience with romance than casual encounters.
"Anyway, to answer your rather rude question: Of course I have, Rarity! I'm thousands of years old. I just...it's been a while. I've been out of the game because I've had my tushie sealed in concrete for more than a teensy little while. I...feeling things again is difficult. I can't seem to have a medium setting anymore. I either feel nothing or feel too much."
Rarity then realized that Discord's crush on Fluttershy and his jealousy towards Tree Hugger were separate issues, but they overlapped to the point where Discord could not recognize the difference. Discord obviously craved Fluttershy's attention, and when he wasn't getting it he panicked and assumed the worst. He had a massive fear of abandonment. She had to admit, despite his absolutely atrocious behaviour, she didn't have the experience of being shut in stone for centuries to the point where learning to communicate with others and feel things again was a difficult learning process. It was likely that because he had been alone for so long, Fluttershy meant everything to him. She was his friend, his family and he was beginning to think of her as a potential love interest. He hadn't yet mastered the first two yet and his emotions (and snot) were leaking everywhere. It was no wonder this was all so confusing to him. Perhaps asking him about his previous relationships might help...
"Well, when you were...er...in the "game" as it were, how did you approach things?"
"From the right. Sometimes from the left. Occasionally from above."
It was like trying to get blood from a stone. Rarity tried again: "How long did your relationships last?"
Discord looked forward and blinked, then stuck his nose in the air. "That's a rather forward question, Rarity."
"I know, but if you want me to help you then I think we need to talk about it."
"It depends."
"Tell me about one."
"Er...well. There was that one thing with the cat goddess in Anugypt..."
"Yes?"
"Um...that was a few months."
"What's the longest relationship you've ever had?"
"Hmm. Let's see." He stroked his beard as he pondered. "I would say, roughly 3000 years."
"What?!"
"Give or take. It was with the Andromeda Galaxy. Though truth be told it was kind of fizzling out around the first 1500. We didn't talk much and by then we had agreed to see other people openly."
Rarity didn't even want to ask.
"Okay, so you've had some experience with relationships. But right now, I don't think you're entirely ready for one."
"Why?"
Rarity noticed with horror that Discord was now using the fabric for her Spring collection to wipe the tears off his face.
"Well, for one thing you need to learn how to be more refined! Fluttershy is a lady."
"Ooh! A lady! I never would have guessed!" exclaimed Discord in a high pitched voice. A corset had materialized on his now busty chest and he waved a hankerchief at Rarity while he batted his eyes.
"I'm taking about general etiquette! Your...dress sense for one thing. It's not exactly the height of refinement."
"I'm plenty refined!" said Discord, blowing snot loudly into his hanky with a loud honk. "I have fabulous dress sense."
Rarity winced. Discord loved costumes and fashion, but what he thought of as refinement seemed like a parody of it. If there was a season trend regarding fashion inspired by the Seventies, Discord would no doubt have shown up sporting star shaped sunglasses, lime green bell bottoms and a a jacket covered in pink sequins.
She took a deep breath and got back on topic. "Discord. I think that maybe you need to figure out what being a friend means before you tackle any of the other stuff."
"But I've had experience! You just said..."
"I know what I just said, but hear me out. I think, if I'm hearing this correctly, that you are having emotional problems".
Discord's mouth opened and closed again quickly. Rarity placed a comforting hoof on his shoulder.
"Being in stone for that long can't have been easy. It must have been bone-achingly lonely for you."
This time Discord did cry, and to her surprise he buried his head in Rarity's chest as the sobs racked him.
"It's also because I have no chance, isn't it?" he croaked.
She patted him awkwardly on the horns. "I honestly don't know that, Discord. I think you have a lot of growing to do as a person. I think you need to be kinder to yourself and take some time to heal. We will all help you with that. You can't rely on Fluttershy to ever return your feelings, but I am certain of one thing."
"Yes?"
"Fluttershy does adore you. She's always got a smile on her face when she talks about you. She loves your funny stories. She tells us about all the trips you go on to see unusual wildlife. She considers you her best friend."
"She does?"
"Yes. She does speak very highly of you. Given time, who knows? Maybe her affection for you could grow, but you have to grow first."
He seemed calmer now.
"But Discord, I...I know it's a hard thing to hear, but you have to also accept the possibility that she might never return your feelings when you are eventually ready."
Discord winced. "I know."
"Well if she does reject you, are you going to throw a tantrum like you did at the gala? Are you going to be horrid to her about it?"
Discord went very, very still and Rarity felt a chill go down her spine. Perhaps that was too blunt.
"I would NEVER," said Discord. "I would never, Rarity."
Rarity thought he was referring to the tantrum, but then he continued: "I would NEVER throw Fluttershy's friendship away because she doesn't have feelings for me. I get it, okay? You all think I'm not to be trusted, and I suppose I can't really blame you entirely. I can't promise I won't make mistakes again because I seem to have that written on my job description, but one thing I'm sure of is I'm never, ever going to do what I did to Fluttershy with Tirek again. EVER."
"Why?" said Rarity. She wasn't really wondering why, she just needed to hear that Discord was doing this for the right reasons and wasn't going to do anything stupid again.
"What do you mean why?" snapped Discord. "Because she's my friend and she's worth it."
He put his hat and coat on and vanished.
Rarity blinked, then looked over at the silk. There was no stain on it from Discord's tears or snot. He had cleaned up after himself. She sighed with relief and thought about what he had said.
She's my friend and she's worth it.
Maybe there was hope for him after all. Maybe it would just take a little time.
She heard the sound of something flashing into the room and noticed a note had materialized on the couch. She walked over and picked it up:
Dear Rarity, thank you for listening. I really do appreciate it, but if you tell anyone what transpired here I'll make sure your new Spring line will be referred to as "Mucus Green."
-Discord.
Maybe it would take a lot of time.
When Discord arrived at Fluttershy's cottage she was outside with a flock of starlings hopping around beside her. She was laying on her stomach, with a book on magical beasts open in front of her. It was a beautiful Spring day with a soft breeze that ruffled her mane in the sunshine. He observed her for a moment. She was concentrating on the text. Her furrowed brow as she absorbed the words made her look adorable and a fresh wave of emotion overcame him.
He took a deep breath. One thing at a time. Friendship first. That was the most important thing. After all, without it he wouldn't be standing here.
She's so smart he thought. And brave, and caring, and beautiful. Of course he had messed it up. What did he expect when he had practically handed her and her friends gift wrapped to Tirek? He wasn't even sure why Fluttershy was his friend, so how could he expect anything more? He suddenly felt he shouldn't be there. Maybe he should just go home and nurse his wounds and come back another day. Maybe...
At that moment Fluttershy looked up, spotted him and smiled joyously at him. "Discord!" she beamed.
She looks happy to see me. She always looks so happy to see me.
He went to sit next to her on the grass in the sunshine.
Author's Note
Story idea came from this drawing I did and Spiritofchaos227's comment that Rarity would be awkwardly comforting Discord while he ate ice cream when he realized his feelings were not returned.
I know the chapter title is long, but I was listening to this song by Matthew Sweet and the first verse did fit our favourite draconequus's current emotional state quite well. :)
Also after watching the latest episode I think Discord is now Ponyville's resident Tsundere. Baka!
