A Real Baked Bad

by Propellerface

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy
Length: 1085

Pinkie ruins Twilight's morning with culinary shenanigans.

Twilight wants a morning of peace and quiet. Inadvertently, Pinkie ruins this while also ruining a kitchen.

Published 2015-11-09 03:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-09 03:10:01 UTC

Chapter 1

A Real Baked Bad
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanfiction by Propellerface

Twilight Sparkle was having a wonderful morning reading a new book and relaxing in the sunshine on one of her castle's balconies. There was a faint, cool breeze periodically blowing by, families of birds were singing, and her mug of coffee had a tiny plastic umbrella in it courtesy of Spike.

Nothing could possibly go wrong on a day as nice as this, she thought with a smile, shortly before an earth-rattling explosion came from the direction of Sugarcube Corner. Twilight groaned.

"What was that?" Spike called from downstairs, seated comfortably in his chair reading a comic book, with no intention of getting up.

"It's probably just one Pinkie's party cannons misfiring, but I should probably check it out," Twilight said, readying her magic for a teleportation spell. "Be back soon."

"Uh-huh," Spike said, not looking up from his book, and too far away to hear the poof Twilight disappeared in.

One horizontal line and a flash of light later, Twilight arrived at Sugarcube Corner. Ten feet off the ground. It's moments like these I'm glad I have wings, she thought, silently cursing the unreliability of instant-transmisison magic as she daintily fluttered down. Once all four hooves were safely on the ground, she knocked on the door. "Pinkie?"

No answer. Twilight's face scrunched in genuine concern, leading her to gently push open the unlocked door, stepping into the oddly dark parlor. "Pinkie?" she called again, louder.

There was a crashing of kitchen appliances, before Pinkie stepped into view from the kitchen, slammed the door shut and leaned on the counter, wiping sweat from her brow. "Heya Twilight! What are you here for?"

Twilight trotted up to her friend. "I heard a loud noise coming from here, and I just wanted to be sure you were alright."

"Oh, that?" Pinkie said, chuckling nervously, "Mr. and Mrs. Cake are out on a date, and Lyra came in and asked for a quiche for her birthday, so I said 'Lyra, I'll make you the biggest darn quiche you've ever seen!', and she said 'cool', and then I got to work so Mr. and Mrs. Cake won't have to make it because I'm a responsible adult, remember?" At that, Pinkie turned her snout up, suddenly growing a regal mustache. "And then there might've been a teensy-weensy oven malfunction, but everything's fine now. I'm fine. How are you?"

As Twilight opened her mouth to reply, a booming voice came from the kitchen, shaking the whole bakery. "C̰̥̹̮͇͓o̹̦̲͙͠n̴͍̼͎̲͇̻s̤̞͓̮u̙̺̥͖̯ͅm̖̠̮̗̦̣͠e̶̳! ̤͝C̨͔̫̳͎o͈̗̭̘̬̖̕n̡̬s̟͖̮um̙̠é!̯͍͘ͅ" Plates toppled off tables, sundae glasses bounced away and shattered, and the Cake twins started crying. Pinkie winced at the latter. "Not again..."

Twilight's pupils shrank. "What in Equestria was that?!"

Pinkie smeared and squashed herself against the kitchen door, standing upright and splaying her front hooves against it. "Nothing! And if there was something, I could totally take care of it myself!"

Twilight's eyes drooped halfway, and she firmly grasped Pinkie in her magic, lifting her away from the door, before jumping the counter and reaching for the knob.

"Twilight, no!" Pinkie yelled, flailing and squirming as best she could, "I can handle this! I don't want you to get hu-"

Pinkie's wails were cut short as Twilight unceremoniously swung the door wide open.

Twilight was not prepared.

The formerly quaint kitchen had been transformed: the walls were now pulsating, slick flesh, pots and pans were bent into non-Euclidian monstrosities of twisted metal, leftover food had been animated into screaming parodies of life, and at the far center of the room sat a seven foot tall beast of crust, it's eyes glowing with tiny pinpricks of pure hatred, and it's gaping mouth drooling the custard of the damned. Backing this obscene display was a disembodied choir chanting with such sonic force that Twilight was thrown back against the counter, before she reached up and forced the door shut, panting.

"Pinkie Pie, what did you do?!" Twilight said, shaking violently.

Pinkie produced a heavy leather tome bound in chains from behind her. "How was I supposed to know that when this cookbook said 'monster quiche' it meant 'monster quiche'?" She paused for a moment. "Although in retrospect, I probably should've been tipped off when it asked for virgin blood."

Twilight opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, struggling for some kind of response. She eventually settled on lightly bonking Pinkie on the forehead. "How are you going to get rid of this?"

"I don't know!" Pinkie said, holding her forehooves to her face. "It's gonna eat up the whole bakery, and Mr. and Mrs. Cake will be so disappointed in me!"

Twilight opened her mouth to question Pinkie's priorities, before blinking. "Wait, it's trying to eat everything, isn't it?"

"C̸̢͔͉̺̲̬̠̘̳Ó͖̤͞Ǹ̢̺͈̝͚͝S̴̷̻̼͟Ṷ̢͓̘̬̝̫̝Ḿ̴͇̠̝̥̩͉̜E̩͞," replied the quiche, knocking both ponies off balance.

"Then I know just what to do!" Twilight said, galloping towards the laundry room and rummaging through cupboards.

"What are you doing?" said Pinkie, slowly following behind her frazzled friend.

Twilight emerged carrying a smattering of detergents, soaps, and general bottled chemicals in her magic. She felt a strong urge to pull out a permanent marker and fix the obvious redundancy in a slogan like "kills rats dead", but suppressed it. "I'm fixing your monster problem. Open the kitchen door, Pinkie!"

"Twilight, you're doing that twitchy thing with your eye again. Do you have a Sense t-"

"Open the doors!"

Pinkie fell back, and stumbled her way over to the door, slowly pulling it open. Twilight stepped just inside, head held high. "Hey, quiche! Soup's on!"

Twilight hurled its meal straight into its mouth, the quiche, being more cheese than brains, eagerly consumed it, and Pinkie slammed the door shut. "So what now?" she said, panting.

"Now you just wait a bit until it dies," Twilight said. "It should eventually bleed out." She tapped a hoof to her chin. "Or explode, given that it's a magical being with a presumably non-standard anatomy. You might want to leave the house for a while."

"But wait," Pinkie said, scrunching her face, "isn't it a bit rude to poison a probably sentient creature? And how am I going to clean all this up before the Cakes get back?"

"Not my problem," Twilight said with a lopsided smile, "and not my bosses!"

Twilight then poofed away, leaving Pinkie sitting alone in silence.

The unmistakable sound of a seven foot tall quiche vomiting blood came from behind the kitchen door. Pinkie winced.