Tales From Twilight's Teenage Testee

by PinkieYukari

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 5051

Twilight summons me to Equestria to reserch the anatomy and behavior of humans; what could go wrong?

Right after finishing up the 8th grade, I - Zackery - feel a tremor during a sleepless night, and witness a purple bolt of lightning that knocks me out. I awake in a dark room with nothing but my clothes, my headphones, my phone, and a purple-furred animal near me. What I see when the purple animal switches on the lights is staggering, and the testing begins!
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Categorized as Comedy, but since it's kinda my first story, it might be a bit dry or sparse.
Written in first-person, present tense.

Published 2012-05-20 08:24:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-03 00:44:57 UTC

Blackouts and Basements

Before I begin my tale, I feel that I should tell you a little about myself and how I got here.

My name – Zackery. I’m an average teen of 14 and am an emotionally semi-stable person. I live in a small “everybody knows everybody” kind of town with my mother. Or at least, I used to, before I ended up where I am. I don’t believe my physical appearance really means much right now, though inevitably it will be told.

As for how I got here… well, that may take a small amount of your time to explain.

It was an average day in Missouri, summer vacation had just started, and I was reveling in my chance to stay up all night (I always much preferred the night over the day, and had on many occasions stated that I wished that school could run through daytime, switch staff after, then start the night shift. I have even stated once or twice that “No offense Celestia, but I much prefer Luna’s moon to your sun. It offers dim levels of light and you can actually look at it without going blind,” to the air), but I soon got bored with anything else, so I scoured the internet for anything interesting, and, failing miserably to find anything to interest, I just put on some music and grabbed my headphones, put them on, and just laid there for awhile. I wasn’t even very tired; the stress of the last day of the 8th grade year left me and excitement just kinda flooded in as soon as I got out, so I pretty much knew I wouldn’t get sleep.

That’s when I noticed that it was raining. In the middle of a previously dry summer. It wasn’t that surprising, really (Missouri has some of the weirdest weather in the history of America. It’s like it has its own atmospheric dome with its own rules sometimes), and I mostly shrugged it off. The rain had gone on for about 15 minutes or so. That’s when I noticed it – a slight shaking of the ground below me, indicating a rather small, but quickly growing tremor. I had freaked out, and ran behind my couch that I was previously planning to sleep on. Just right then, a purple streak of lightning broke through and hit the floor of my room - which, may I add, was in the basement, and the lightning must have broken through two entire floors of well-insulated wood - and that’s pretty much the last thing I remember.

Now I’m stuck here in this completely dark room with a shape that I, after reaching out and poking it a few times, can describe as furry and soft, but can’t make out completely. My vision was never that good in the first place (astigmatism in one eye, far-sightedness in the other), but my night vision was even worse. I guess the best thing I should do is go to sleep and try to figure this out when I wake up.

I manage to force open my eyes to what I believe is late morning or early afternoon. I can’t tell; it’s still very dark in the room, save for a few cracks in the walls where slivers of sunlight flow through. The shape is still there, and still knocked out cold. I checked its pulse and breathing, and both were at fairly normal rates. The slivers of light were shining on the creature, revealing that this animal had violet-hued fur. I just wish I knew what this thing WAS, just so I could answer the questions at the back of my head: Where am I, why is it so dark, how in all hell did I get here, what is this animal sitting in front of me, why does it have purple fur, and why am I not freaking out right now?. I’ve never been very accepting of the concept of not understanding things. If I wanted to know something, I’d find out on way or another. The only exceptions were if it were someone’s secret that they don’t want to tell; I could respect their privacy.

Well, suppose it’s time to wait for this purple animal to wake up. I don’t know why I’m putting all of my luck on a purple-furred animal to tell me what it is and where the hell I am, but I guess stranger things have happened.

Man, I’m glad that wherever I am, my phone and headphones were brought with me. Not only is it my only source of music when I get bored, I can type this whole crazy adventure down when it’s through!

Oh, wait! The animal is waking up. Guess I should help it to its feet – or paws, or hooves, whatever animal it may be. I walk over and help it up. It groaned in what seemed like pain and exhaustion mixed together. It smacked its lips together and said in a feminine voice -

“Ugh…. Where am I?”

Never mind that this creature was purple furred and talking – not to mention forming complete sentences with enunciation (I was never the most sane person, I mostly described myself as “in-between Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie” on the scale of sensible to ridiculous in the case of accepting theories, so I was never really surprised when something happened that was beyond the laws of physics or nature to my knowledge.), it might actually be able to help! I started to reach out and touch her to get her attention. I manage to ask, “Umm, ma’am? Do you have ANY idea where we are?”

She – whatever it was – gasps at my voice and turns around, snapping fully into the real world. She looks me over as best as she could in the dark room, then screams out, “YES! It worked!”

Now I’m starting to get frustrated. I do my best not to get a headache when I question her again, knowing that it was a pretty good chance that she was responsible for my teleportation. “Okay, so I can safely assume that you're responsible for my loss of consciousness and my being here. Now just where am I?”

She just nodded and turned before going over to one of the walls and flipping a switch. Light bulbs flickered on and I have to blink to adjust to the light. I look around the room – wooden, almost like the inside of a tree; lab equipment everywhere, prepared like something was about to be tested. It's like Twilight Sparkle’s basement…

Like….Twilight’s….basement….

I turn my head towards where the purple furred creature is. I only have to look a moment to confirm my suspicions and choke out, “Oh, dear sweet CELESTIA.”

Confessions and Confusion

Let me tell you, I have never been so confused in my entire life AFTER putting 2 and 2 (and 2) together on a subject. But now… I’m standing in a room with Twilight Sparkle, in Equestria, in her basement. My brain is having severe trouble processing this. Now I look like an idiot staring at Twilight with nothing but a blank expression on my face. How wonderful. Come on, you idiot! Speak to her! Yell at her! Just make something come out of your throat so that you can figure out what the hell is going on!

I manage to slow my breathing and heart rate down enough to be able to choke something out. “H-how did I get here? Why did you bring me here?” It’s not that I’m scared or anything; just really surprised that I’m talking to Twilight Sparkle herself. She just smiles at me and walks upstairs. “I’m getting really annoyed that you’re dodging my questions, but I’m assuming that was a gesture to walk upstairs with you,” I called out to the purple unicorn.

I begin up the oaken steps, following her to a large room in the complex. Sure enough, it looks almost exactly like it did in the show, though it is proportionally larger. There are tomes and grimoires and novels alike set in oak shelves carved into the walls. I pick one up that looked interesting. Beginner Spells and Parlor Tricks, it seems to be called. I flip open a page, effectively starting to leaf through the content, indulging the urge to itch my nose due to the copious amounts of dust just flipping a page lets up.

Hmm, let’s see, levitation, object manipulation, a spell called “Smoke and Mirrors”. These would be pretty cool if I were a unicorn. Though I rather like my hands, so probably -

“Hey, human!” is the sudden request for none other than my attention that is heard through my action, making me flinch and drop the book. “You wanted to know why you’re here, correct? Then get up here!” My, that unicorn is direct. Couldn’t even let me detour for a book, I think sullenly.

I climb the small ladder leading up to what looks like a small research room/bedroom/balcony room. “Only fitting for Twilight Sparkle to let science live in her bedroom, eh?” I say to the waiting purple magic-adept. She stares at me blankly before speaking for the third time since I woke up in Equestria:

“I never told you my name…”

…Oh, shit. I haven’t been conscious here for more than twenty minutes, and I already blew the cover I had thought up. Way to go, hotshot. I glance at her nervously, before sighing and putting on a composed face, just like I had practiced for years beforehand. “I’ll explain it to you once you elaborate as to why I’m sitting here in the middle of a library’s upper section in the middle of a world I only know as Equestria, talking to the Element of Magic herself, Twilight Sparkle.” Might as well spill it all if I’ve let some loose, right?

She gapes her mouth, most likely because she’s surprised that I know so much. She shakes her head and begins explaining herself. “Well, human, Princess Celestia – since you know so much about this place already, you probably won’t need an introduction – informed me of your existence through letter-” she levitates a scroll to my face, and I grab it from her magic and begin to read it, while still listening to what she had to say “- and I took it upon myself to bring you here and study your kind.”

It was my turn to be skeptical as I glare snidely over my glasses at the mare. “So… not only did you take an adolescent human from its habitat, but its own parents, to study it? That’s just bad scientific research, Twilight. You can’t research a species like that – animals’ behavioral patterns change when they’re taken out of their habitat.”

Twilight took a moment before finally groaning and facepalmi- oops, facehoofing, shouting out, “Oh, darn it! You’re right! That is the wrong way to study a species, isn’t i- WAIT. Don’t try to sidetrack me; I told you why now you tell me why – why do you know so much about Equestria if you’re from another world!?”

Dammit. I hoped she wouldn’t have caught on, but I guess I can’t outwit the smartest unicorn in Ponyville. Sighing, irritated, I begin my explanation. “First let me answer your question with another question. Have there – to your knowledge – EVER been any other humans here in Equestria before now?”

Twilight just looks at me like I’m crazy and answers, “No, there hasn’t, human. I don’t know where you were going with that, but wherever it was, there’s a detour now.”

Ha ha, Twilight Sparkle. There’s one other route to go with this. I smirk before asking, “Has there ever been anybody named Lauren Faust, then?”

Twilight looks at me again, only this time with more of an interested look. “Y-yeah, but she’s only mentioned in legends and myths. There’s no way she cou-“ I motion for her to stop with my hand as I step downstairs, leaving her in the middle of a sentence.

I notice a small podium with a binder on top, with names of books written on them. I leafed through it, before finding a book called The History of Equestria: Myths, Legends, and the Creator. I roll a ladder over to the designated spot and manage to lug the brick of a book down to ground level. I toss it up to the bedroom area and follow it upwards. After reaching the top, I sit down on Twilight’s bed, leafing through the tome, searching for something… Something…

“A-ha! Here it is! Let’s see, ‘The Beginning: Our creator, Lauren Faust. It is said that She herself created not only the two alicorns that rule our land today, but also the fabled creatures Discord, spirit of chaos and disharmony (see: The Elements of Harmony Part 2), Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings (see: Changelings), and Nightmare Moon, alicorn of dreams and nightmares (see: The Elements of Harmony Part 1), for She knew that with harmony, chaos must exist. She watched as the four creatures helped Her create the planet, the Sun, the Moon, the Sky, and the Beyond-‘ which is space, I’m presuming, “- and the three races that make up ponykind today – the Unicorns, the Pegasi, and the Earth Ponies. After doing this, She disappeared, without a trace, and not even the Four Great Rulers could find her.’”

I hand the book to the purple unicorn, pointing out the picture of the fabled alicorn – Red-maned and tailed, off-white color, and a glass of ink and a quill for a cutie mark. I sit, triumphant, staring at Twilight as she raises an eyebrow, before asking, “And what does Lauren have to do with anything from you knowing anything about who we are? You’ve a displacement of zero, and now you have to prove to me how this mythical book is real. Good luck, human.”

I swear I can feel the vein popping out of my forehead from irritation. She’s smart, but she doesn’t catch on very fast, does she, I think before groaning once again and continuing. “What is has to do with something, unicorn, is that there is a Lauren Faust in my world, currently living there. I don’t think there’s any coincidence either; baby names from your world and mine are extremely different, trust me. So currently, your and my world’s Lauren Faust is currently living in my world. She directed a TV series starring you and your six faithful companions; the show is called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It was all about you and your escapades to learn about friendship after meeting with five other ponies-“ I begin to name them and count them on my fingers, “-Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash.”

Twilight keeps looking more and more flustered each second, quickly defending herself with, “A-and what makes you think that I should believe you, your theory, and this stupid mythical book?”

I stare at her flatly before countering with a well-aimed “You thought the Mare in the Moon was real, so why not this? And furthermore, why would you even keep something that you thought was incredible information in your library.”

Twilight sighs, defeated, before she collapses on the bed. “So, what is your full theory, human? You seem to have beaten my best arguments, so go ahead.”

I stand in triumph before beginning. “My theory is that somehow the creator of the world you live in today has changed herself into a human somehow and transported herself to Earth – my planet. She is also somehow keeping tabs on your adventures and watching you all, and is telling the stories to the humans on Earth, but how she is doing THAT while she is a human escapes me.” I sit back down, headache starting to form. The full force of what I had just come up with just brought my mind to pain when I tried to think too hard about it. Lauren Faust was an alicorn from Equestria turned human, and she’s been spreading these adventures of Twilight’s all over Earth – Probably to spread the idea of at least quasi-harmony to us humans, who always seem to be at each others’ throats, I think.

Twilight sits up and her ears perk up with her. She thinks for a second before looking at me in disbelief. “That’s actually… not the worst theory I’ve ever heard. It could be possible. After all, why would the alicorn creator of Equestria NOT be able to transform herself and go to other worlds? Ohmigosh, we need the Princess to hear this. Even she can’t remember much from back in the Beginning! Maybe she can fill us in, and vice versa! This is a good step in historical research! Good job, human!” She motions for a hand-to-hoofshake, and I oblige.

“By the way, you don’t have to call me human. My name’s Zack.”

The handshake ends and she lets out a breath she was apparently holding. “Well, Zack. It’s nice to formally meet you. And we shall begin experimentation soon, but first we need to see Celestia about this, it’s more important.” She trots off to her desk and levitates a quill to a to a well of in, dips it in and out, then moves over to a fresh, clean piece of scroll paper.

Well, this is turning out to be quite… I search for a right word as I sit on the Element of Magic’s bed… in Equestria. It’s turned out to be amusing. I haven’t been here for two hours and I’ve already figured out how this all pieces together. Truly my best piece of contemplation ever.

I face Twilight as she writes the letter to Celestia, whom I am surely to soon meet. A thought lingers at the back of my mind, and I push it forward long enough to process it.

How am I going to get home once this is all through?

Pacing and a Princess

It’s what, 3 or 4 in the morning now? Yet I still can’t get any sleep. It doesn’t seem like for any clearly discernible reason. Twilight had offered me her guest bed, but I said I would be fine on the couch – Hell, I slept on the couch back at my home during the school year – and she tossed me down a blanket and pillow to use. This was around 2 AM, when Twilight decided to finally end her study session. I didn’t even try to sleep; I was too awake. So I did what I usually do – as a ‘go-to’ of sorts – when I can’t sleep: Find the closest place that I can look up directly at the moon. And wouldn’t you know it, Twilight had a balcony that she used as an observatory.

So here I am, headphones on, listening to dBu’s album Eternal Nocturne on my phone and staring at the sky. I stare at the Moon for a while, matching the music up to scenarios in my imagination. The Mooned Insects makes me think of walking through Whitetail Woods at night, Voyage 1969 had me thinking of riding Luna up to her moon to fix some incident, and so on. My mind is slightly on edge and slightly at ease. At least I wasn’t kidnapped! Yeah, but I was sent across the universe as a test subject to one very studious unicorn! Well, yeah, but I’ve always wanted to go to Equestria, correct? I guess, but it’s not exactly under the pretenses I would have liked it to be. Well, I’ll be able to see Celestia tomorrow, so we can ask her questions after we’re done with the original meeting.

I guess I’m satisfied with this for now, because I notice when I release a held breath even I didn’t know I was holding. “Man, I really need to search this cacophony of books for one on stress relief later,” I noted quietly, not wanting to disturb Twilight. I reach the bedroom door to open it and walk downstairs, only to find that the door had been opened again, and my weight is now around 65% forward. The only thought to enter my head was, Well, since we all know what direction gravity is prone to dragging things, shall we close our eyes and hope for the best? That sounds like a good option, yes.

“OW!” *crash* “Fuck!” *thump* “Dammit,” *thunk* “Ouch!” *snap*

In other words, I end up tumbling head-over-feet down the curved stairsteps, barely missing a small, green-purple dragon as I hit the bottom. To describe the pain in one phrase, it would have to be, ”Imagine getting hit with several books on their corners while the air is forced from your lungs and then a flambé is cooked on everywhere you got hit.”

I get up, groaning quite loudly and clutching myself, checking for any broken bones or sprains and such. Thankfully, my reputation of never breaking anything is still intact. Then I feel something sharp poke my leg. I yelp and jump backwards, only succeeding in hitting my head on one of the candle holders. I instinctively clutch my head and suppress the need to scream my head off, waking half of Ponyville in the act.

Then I open my watering eyes – I never had a high pain threshold – and I see Twilight’s young dragon assistant, Spike standing next to me with a mix of a worried and curious expression. “Yo, dude, are you alright? That was quite a tumble you took there.” I nod my head as an affirmative and he seems satisfied. “That’s good,” he states in his weird, going-through-puberty-esque voice, before holding his hand… claw… out to me for another shake.

Of course, to not be rude, I accept it and say, “Thanks Spike. My head hurts, but I’m fine, save for about half a million brain-cells-gone-missing.” I yawn and I say, “I was just stargazing, and I figured it was time to hit the sack, but it turns out all gravity wanted me to hit was the stairs. Multiple times.”

He stares at me for a second before saying the phrase that had made me flinch when he said it – for the second time.
“I never told you my name.”

Ugh, I am NOT going through this again! “Well, Twilight told me about you after I got here. Seems to be pretty proud of you, that one.”

He grins widely, then it recedes into a façade of cool as he pointed his thumb at himself and stated matter-of-factly, “Well, I AM her number-one assistant, of course!”

I chuckle and confirm that, from what Twilight said, that he sounded pretty awesome too. Then I stood back up fully, having realized that I was still crouching in my head-pain flinching stance. Spike seemed to be much shorter now.

I send him off to bed and climb into my makeshift sleeping accommodations. I take off my shirt, deciding just to sleep in my shorts. Why? Because it’s summer, even the nights are hot, and there’s no use in getting my only available shirt sweaty in the middle of the night. I slip off into a small, at least moderately restful sleep…

You might remember when I said that I was lax about pretty much anything and don’t always take in the full gravity of the situation (well, except for last night’s incident, but all puns aside) when a serious matter comes up. Well, I’ve got to catch up with reality sometime, and usually the only place that happens is in my subconscious. And when is the subconscious most active, students? That’s right! During REM sleep, when you start dreaming!

And though I usually won’t retain all the details of the dream, I’ll usually catch the gist of its message to me. But this dream… This morning… I’m not sure how to describe it. It was happy… yet kinda frightening at the same time… If more time were allotted, I would think about this. But right now, I’ve gotta get ready. Twilight just woke me up –quite rudely, I might add (she shook me, and then telekinetically slapped me) – and now I’m to get ready so I can meet the princess. I manage to find the bathroom without much effort – of course it’s gonna be in the master bedroom – and stare at it. It wasn’t awe-inducing, I was just trying to get used to the still-foreign surroundings. I stare at the sink, deciding to brush my teeth and hair first. In the toothbrush cup I notice a purple brush – most likely Twilight’s – a green brush – for Spike – and a white, clean one, which I assume was put out for me or guests in general.

I shrug and continue my activity, brush already scraping against my teeth with the silica paste foaming as I brush. I take a good look at myself in the mirror, and proceed to almost choke on the brush I’m using. “Sweet Mother of Celestia, I look awful! I must have slept more fitfully than I originally thought.” It showed pretty well, too. My shoulder-length hair was sticking out everywhere, tangled and matted. “Jeez, must have been some dream.” I spit out my toothpaste into the sink bowl before flushing it down with water and reaching for the comb on the other side, which was light-violet in colour…

“Shit. This is Twilight’s brush. I doubt she’d like it if I used it without her permission… but there’s no other brushes or combs or hair utensils in sight,” which I confirmed by looking through the lower cabinets under the sink, “so I guess she’ll understand.”

I begin the labourious – and might I add painful – process of combing out every last tangle and brushing the hair back into its signature symmetrical pattern – half fallen to the left and half to the right – and before too long, I’m done and Spike calls for us, promising breakfast. Needless to say, I was there in a speed that would make Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash proud.
After breakfast, we find the Royal Chariot outside Twilight’s tree waiting for us. We climb aboard, and – after a few strange looks from the Royal Chariot Pullers in my direction – we set off to the mountain city Canterlot.

The ride doesn’t take too long; within the realms of an hour or so we arrive at the Canterlot Palace. I stare at it in awe. There was quite literally NO building on Earth that could rival this for sheer value and awesomeness. When we’re inside the castle’s throne room, Twilight points out my slack jaw and inquires if, as the old adage goes, the “cat got my tongue”. I can only stammer out useless gibberish.

They always say a picture is worth a thousand words, but they never say how many duplicates and meaningless ones there are.

The walls were lined with gold bracers around the side; the columns had traces of lapis lazuli; everything was just so expensive-looking. If a klepto took a blowtorch and cut a small square – just a small one - from one column they could earn a small fortune!

I snap out of my stupor when I hear Twilight’s voice, calling, “Zack? Zack! Stop drooling and get over here!”

I jog over to where Twilight is standing, only to spot something a little unnerving. Now, I’m about a half-head taller than Twilight (not counting the horn), and, only being a little taller, I wasn’t very intimidating, nor were any ponies I was bound to meet. But… hot damn it all to the gas ball the princess in front of me controls, Celestia is quite intimidating, standing a full head taller than both of us (NOT COUNTING THE HORN) with a gait that screams “I may be benevolent, but don’t fuck with me.”

I instantly shy away before I feel Twilight’s hoof smack against my ankle. She looks up at me, annoyed. I wonder why, but then I notice that she’s bowing. Towards the princess in front of us. “Oh… right. Where are my manners? “ I politely bow to the controller of the Sun. She nods politely back and welcomes us – or rather mostly me – to Canterlot, the Royal Castle and Equestria.

After a few minutes of idle chit-chat, she leads us down to her study, which seemed a lot more homey and a lot less… costly. It seemed to be made out of some sort of wood, probably mahogany by the looks of it, with a fireplace roaring in the corner (despite it being summer and the middle of the day), casting a dim light flickering across the room.
She turns around in the swivel chair she was sitting in and got right down to business.

“So, Twilight here has informed me that you both have found out something big. Mind sharing with me what it is?”

Twilight seems to shy away and became extremely interested in the green tea that now sat before us courtesy of the staff ponies, so I gulp and start. “W-well, Your Majesty, I-“

“Oh, please, human, no need for formalities, you’re sort of like an ambassador; just Celestia is fine.”

I smile slightly, glad that she picked up on our skittishness due to the intimidation she’d been giving off earlier and that she decided to be less formal. “Well, Celestia, Twilight here brought me from across the universe yesterday as a test subject to study my kind after you informed her of our existence.”

I begin to tell the tale, from waking up in the dark basement all the way up to the theory we had thought up. “And then she wrote you the letter informing you of our visit. The theory we thought up was more than likely the big thing she was informing you of as well.”

“And what, pray tell, is that?” Celestia asks, genuinely interested.

“Well, Celestia, let me ask you this first: When was the last time you saw your mother?”