The Lives of ... The Apple Trees

by Word Worthy

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Big Macintosh, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Applejack
Length: 1671

What if Sweet Apple Acres' most populous denizens have minds of their own?

Malus pumila. So majestic, so ... leafy. It is no wonder that ponies tend to and propagate their species across their various countrysides. But there is far more to these wonderful plants. Join us, dear viewers as we go directly into the lives ... of the apple trees.

I have been watching too much Teh Spearhead Guy again. I am not sorry. :rainbowwild:

Something goofy written to get me back in the productive groove again :twilightsmile:

Published 2017-08-22 23:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-22 23:50:06 UTC

The Only Chapter

The following programme is a production funded by the Equestrian Broadcasting Corporation and charitable proceeds from the private funds of the Crown of Her Highness Princess Luna and Her Highness Mi Amore Cadenza. If you are viewing this programme for educational purposes, please be sure to keep your pens and copybook within comfortable reach.

We now commence with our featured presentation.

***

Apple trees. You find their fruit frequently on your dinner table, in the stands at your local market, and perhaps even tumbling out of your closet in massive droves.

Their shade provides you a cool break from the intense midday sun, as well as ample room for picnics and reading.

They are a part of your daily life just as much as morning or night, work and play, food and drink. Apple trees have been with us in our countrysides and neighbourhoods for centuries upon centuries. But despite this preeminence, do we truly understand these fruit-bearing woody perennials?

To explore this question, we must first explore where they grow, what they are like, where they come from, and more!

We are going directly into the lives … of the apple trees.

Sweet Apple Acres, a place of idyllic vistas and fruity goodness, at least as far as ponies are concerned. Deep within the well tended groves, however, something entirely unbeknownst to the vast majority of equinity was presently unfolding.

Right now at this very moment, a sophisticated telepathic network of dozens upon dozens of arboreal voices are sounding out to one another, a miracle product of natural evolution and earth pony horticultural magic pushed to such extremes, that the creation of Discord’s plunder vines seems innocent by comparison.

These groves resonate with their various voices and diverse discussions daily. Awareness of this activity would be a true scientific wonder to the very ponies that tend to these intelligent creatures. Alas, since present scientific understanding prevents ninety-five percent of ponies from understanding or hearing them, this fortunate byproduct of plant domestication in the form of sapience has thus far gone unnoticed for many centuries.

Fortunately for us, however, we are ponies with suspiciously convenient telepathic and semi-omniscient documentary abilities. Let us listen to the intellectual wonders these trees must surely discuss amongst their neatly-planted rows.

“Hey you, Seeks-Deepest-Aquifers, my bark is far more lustrous and impressive!” one of the trees declares near us as sparse collections of wooden buckets, baskets, and other implements lay hither and thither around them in anticipation for harvest as the sunlight begins to grow even more in intensity.

“Oh yeah, well my apples are sweeter! I bet you have shallow roots! You’re just like Sways-to-Light-Breezes. So full of yourself!” another retorts sharply, one of their largest branches rustling as a number of squirrels wage a gang turf war amongst the branches.

“Hey Shades-the-Fruits, wanna co-mingle our root networks behind the barn when the pony-folk are asleep?” one in a row behind us inquires to their compatriot in the adjacent row.

”Gnarled-Growth, for the ten thousand four hundred and eighty-fifth time, that is not physically possible,” the other tree informs them.

True genius to throttle the imagination. We are fortunate enough to also have the privilege of hearing an example of their philosophical depth.

”Dudes, whoaaa! My branches are just roots that are growing upside down. Your roots are just branches that are growing upside down,” another tree joins in the discussions as lit fungus fumes waft over to it from one of our filming crew partaking of the glowing blue mushrooms currently being sold by traders traversing the Everfree.

Truly enlightening.

As we continue our wanderings of the orchards, we recall some the very important facts about these magnificent beings.

For instance, when recently fallen from its mother tree or freshly harvested, the common red apple becomes a mystical artefact that can forecast the future through the reflections upon its lustrous skin. Take care however, for gazing into its depth for too long heightens the risk of looking like a lunatic to passersby as you audibly ply the fruit for answers.

The Equestrian Ministry of Trivial Statistics estimates there are approximately five thousand, three hundred and twenty-four uses for the common apple in all sectors of daily life and industry. Discretely one must bear in mind however, that number increases sharply if you are really into that kind of stuff.

In popular folklore, it is said that an apple a day keeps the Nightmare away. When queried as to the validity of this old mares’ tale, the most common reply from your average Equestrian scholar might be: “We know that apples exist. We know that Nightmare Moon existed. The famous mares that destroyed her eat apples frequently. There is an undeniable and tangible correlation here.”

We eagerly look forward to the effects this thinking may have on the long road to the mass discovery of the natural wonder these trees and indeed all of their cousins possess. This brings us to our next area of focus.

Just as arboreal sapience remains a hidden fact, likewise is the reality that despite their passive and pacifistic appearances, the apple trees are a vengeful race when provoked. And easily provoked they can be.

Without ponykind, these trees would surely find themselves embroiled in a maelstrom of war and death, for they have at least one known mortal enemy across the cosmos …

The common pear.

Note that down in your copybooks now as we carefully shift to a better viewing angle. Viewers, please don your sunglasses now, as the brightness may translate through to your very screen as well.

“Big Mac, we really gotta step it up over at the market. Them Pears are gettin’ more clever by the month,” Applejack, the resident overlord of all apple tree-kin as some trees dub her, can be heard saying off to our right as her powerful legs knock the fruits of the trees down into her baskets for harvest.

This is called bucking, the most common form of harvesting. Observe as she continues her work, and write down your observations in your notes.

“Eeyup,” comes the deeper-toned and slightly belligerent reply of her brother.

This declaration does not go unheard amongst the myriad trees as the Apple family siblings continue their discussion around us. Let us eavesdrop on this fascinating exchange.

“They took our business!”

”Tey took er biiznees?!

”Tehtookerbo?!?’

”**Unintelligible**?!?”

”[expletive]!”

”Death to all pears!”

Oh my, how colourful.

It would appear the trees’ outrage has commingled with the squirrels’ gang wars to form the Sweet Apple Acres equivalent of a global conflict.

”Rabble rabble rabble rabble!”

Let us relocate our filming orientation to another less rowdy corner of the acres, we are beginning to hear shoe-clad hoofsteps that do not belong to the filming crew.

Ah yes, this shall do nicely. We are now situated a stone’s throw away from the reputed location of Prince Blueblood’s secret safe space from political and social responsibility, as well as the dark and ominous forest where the beginning of every great story is often set.

Segueing into our next section, you may all be pleased to know that apple trees have played quite the profound role in global history.

It was humble apple pie that helped comfort soldiers during the Great Equine War some one hundred and sixty years ago. To such an extent was its consumption during that dreadful and protracted conflict, that the apple and its mother trees earned the moniker of “The Red Menace” by empires who were unfortunate enough to possess climates hostile to their cultivation.

In the many decades since the cessation of hostilities, apple activist groups have helped to improve this image in many nations by establishing trading routes that provide enough apples to meet demand.

Nowadays, apple paraphernalia and merchandise for instance can be found on every street corner in the nations most shaken by the shortages of yore.

With vending machines that now dispense frilly apple-themed lingerie, you are simply just not pushing the envelope hard enough. Just ask the tall crown-wearing pony approaching in the distance.

According to folklore, Star Swirl the Bearded, one of the greatest scientific minds in all of recorded history, is said to have finally proved the existence of the unseen force of gravity when an apple once fell and was impaled upon his horn. Since that fateful day, apples have been regarded for their importance in keeping us all from falling off into the sky and into deep space.

Thank you, friendly neighbourhood apple trees.

It is unknown how malus pumilia’s fruit has come to be a common fixture on the desks of Equestrian teachers everywhere, though origins of its use trace as far back as the first colonisation of the continent. It is common knowledge that the phrase “My teacher has a shiny red apple!” when uttered with the tongue stressed forward is a most surefire way to a two-week suspension.

Educators, please hastily note that down in your copybooks now.

And it is here that we very abruptly reach the end of our current exploration of one of the world’s greatest natural wonders.

The next time you bite into a crisp, red apple, be sure to thank it for all the great deeds its kin have done for our world.

Gee, thanks apples!

We at the EBC hope that you have enjoyed this programme as much as we have enjoyed filming and editing it for public viewership. We now pause for a convenient commercial break.

You are watching EBC Learns. Discover!

Up next, another episode of The Lives.

***

Celestia. The magnificent and powerful pony that rules our kingdom with benevolence and compassionate grace. She ushers in our days and brings light to all those who lay eyes upon her, even over camera from vast distances.

But there is far, far more to the Princess than meets the public eye.

We are going, directly into the raunchy Lives … of Celestia’s Royal Gu

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Technical difficulties, please stand by.