01. Celestia Causes Cancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercanercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancarcancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancerca
It's a wonderful day in Canterlot. The grass is green, the sky is clear and cyan as per usual, the buildings practically sparkled in their cleanliness, and all the ponies and gryphons and zebra and minotaur and diamond d... ... ....... ... ... AND EVERYBODY WERE IN VARIOUS GOOD MOODS!
But most of all, the sun was out.
Yes, indeed, the sun was out and about, giving away it's light like some sort of celestial body of gas and radiation rotating in the vacuum of space. Truly, the sun is but a saint. Blessed be the sun.
Enter Chappy Chapmare. Chappy was a young unicorn, say about 16, and she wanted to be a scientist. Yes, a scientist, and she had the brains for it. You see, she was quite possibly one of the smartest "mares" in all of Canterlot. She had her papers, she had her permits, and most of all, she had her degree. Of course, she hasn't gotten anything published yet, but as she would say, "Fuck off!"
As for why she's important? Well, she's about to make an amazing discovery. You see, she's out to figure out the secrets of the sun. I know it sounds strange, but she figured, if a paper of anything could get published, well, why not the sun? She was set up in the park with her measurers, and Soldomoters and Lightygraphs, (all her own inventions, of course), and she was trying to find out just what the sun was made of. Was the sun made of fire, as the textbooks said, or was it the sunshine of Celestia's love, as it said in ancient texts? All these questions up in her head had been bugging since she set out on her quest, and she was hoping to find out what the true answer was.
What she was about to discover, though, would rock her tiny little mind. For you see, she was about to discover...
...UV radiation.
That very same day, Chappy cam rushing on home, feeling betrayed and disgusted. You could see her hurt, and it was an ugly kind of hurt. It was the hurt of finding out that the one pony that you put on a pedestal above anything was secretly Pony-Hitler crossed with Pony-Putin and Pony-Stallin. It was a very grave kind of hurt.
She ran to her, she closed her doors, and she cried. Yes, she cried to her hearts content and more, wails of pain being heard for miles around. She cried and cried, but when she stopped crying, she came to a conclusion. "What conclusion," you ask? Well, shut the fuck up and let me tell you.
She came to the conclusion that she had to expose this monster for what it was.
Yes, she sat down at her desk, she wrote up her paper, and she wrote up another, just to be sure. She was certain that if this paper gets published, then she would be a hero for centuries. A hero, for she could depose the greatest threat to life as we know it since Sliced Bread, (a very notorious murderer), and stop the most disgusting disease known to life. Yes, she would expose the greatest secret in the universe...
... she would expose that Celestia causes cancer.
Chappy looked upon her ruler with an unbelieving hatred.
Chappy had gone straight from her home to confront Celestia, seeing as she hadn't lived all that far from the Royal Palace, and now she was having her audience with the evil pony. She would martyr herself for everyone else. Truly, she was a hero to be respect.
She took a step forward, and she asked one question to the evil Cancer Causing Character (of Cancer).
"Why?"
Celestia, being understandably confused, asked a question of her own.
"Why what?"
"Why did you give all those ponies cancer?"
"I didn't."
"Yeah you did."
"No I didn't."
"Yeah"
"No"
"Yeah-huh"
"Nu-uh"
"Yup"
"Nope"
"Yeah you did!"
"Prove it!"
"I will!"
"Then do it!"
"I already did!"
"No you didn't!"
"Yeah I did!"
"No you didn't!"
"Yes I did!"
"How?"
"I used a Lightygraph!"
"A what?"
"It's a thing I made to detect sun cancer!"
"That's stupid."
"You're stupid!"
This has been going on for awhile.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why Nightmare Moons.
