Battle Of The Bulge

by Akumokagetsu

Rating: mature
Tags: Shining Armor, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 1737

Shining Armor has massive difficulty hiding something. More specifically, a boner. It gets weirder.

Shining Armor has it good.
He's on the top ten list of Canterlot's royal guards and in line to be leading them, he's inches from a promotion, and his marefriend thinks he can do no wrong.
Then the boner to end all boners throws all that right out the window.

Published 2015-05-20 15:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-20 15:20:03 UTC

The Doomsday Boner

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“Pull this off without a hitch, and I will rock your little world.”

Shining Armor breathed a heavy sigh through his nostrils, Cadance's words still ringing in his ears. Easy enough. All he had to do was finish up some paperwork, give a little pep talk to some royal guards and kiss up to the princesses, and before he knew it he'd be practically rolling in nookie.

Shining took one look at the gargantuan column of papers still sitting on his desk, the papers suddenly seeming to loom over him menacingly. He let out another weary sigh in its shadow, pushing a lock of unbrushed mane from his face as the blooming heat in his unventilated office pressed down his neck.

Cadance makes it worth it. Hang in there. Just a little more to go.

All he had to do was finish, and fun times with his marefriend would ensue.

All he had to do was finish.

A couple of leaflets fluttered off the top, landing squarely in the empty waste bin beside his desk.

Within moments, the rest of the stack gleefully joined its brethren, and Shining was already out the door.

“Good afternoon, sir!”

Shining Armor saluted the passing guard, gilded equipment gleaming brightly enough to blind him.

Shining tried very hard to speak, with all his might.

However, with his thoughts solely on another pony in particular, he had grown a bit distracted.

“Goahwheeeeh,” Shining cringed, drawing up one forehoof in an attempt to conceal very much with, in hindsight, what was likely very little.

“Sorry?” the guard blinked, apparently oblivious to Shining's situation. Granted, had Shining Armor not been fantasizing about what and whom he was planning on doing later that afternoon, the 'situation' might have been avoided. But this isn't that kind of story.

“Sir?”

“Nothing!” he spluttered awkwardly, inching away slowly and struggling to keep as much of his lower body concealed as he could. Considering how far to the ground he was pushing his head and how high his back was arched, it was making the matter even worse, except now he also looked a bit like a cat.

“Si-”

“Nothing is the problem,” Shining grunted as he jerked forcefully, trying in vain to force the vicious veiny vagrant back down to a manageable level. “Every thing is under control balls!”

“Are you having a seizure or something?” the guard blinked again.

“Just... an itch...” Shining froze in place, sweat beading furiously across his brow. Maybe if he just didn't move it would go away on its own. It didn't, of course, but it was a nice fantasy.

Then again, fantasizing was what got him in this position in the first place.

And on the note of fantasizing about positions...

The guard watched in awe as Shining Armor contorted in what even few circus ponies could do, his face a grimacing sweaty mask.

Shining hardly heard the clapping.

“Sort – of – have – other arrangements...” he grunted, straining to remain standing from the sheer pressure exerted on his extendable mayonnaise cannon. Shining desperately wished that the guard would simply leave the hall, then he could continue along his way.

Or, if all of the blood rushing from his head had kickstarted his brain, he might have thought earlier that the hallway had two directions and he could have simply backed away.

If he had thought of it immediately, anyway; several more royal guards could be heard marching evenly in his direction.

Shining Armor took one look at the pegasus before him before promptly backing into his office and slamming the door shut.

A couple of the rogue papers fluttered out of the wastebin.

“Okay,” he breathed in mild panic. “Okay, this is not normal.”

Of course I'm not normal! his friendly flesh finger bobbed up at him. Just look at me, I'm enormous!

“Yes, yes you are,” he prodded himself sternly. “But save it for later. I've got things to do.”

But I want to plaaaaaay!

“What am I doing,” Shining Armor clapped a hoof to his forehead. He instantly cringed, regretting not carrying wipes and firmly reminding himself to go wash his hooves, and then his face. If only he had more time...

First things first, he needed his massive meat monster to retreat, there was no way he'd be able to give a presentation like this.

“I've got five minutes...” he mused aloud, looking around his office bleakly, eyes settling on the clock . “I can take care of this in five minutes...”

You're not taking care of me in five hours!

“Shut up, you,” Shining grumbled, giving his throbbing tube a stern push away.

Unfortunately, this only served to make matters worse.

“Are you KIDDING me?!”

“Are you alright in there?”

Shining froze, the sound of another of the guards at his door causing him to freeze again.

This thing is going to wreck my day! This isn't just an ordinary boner... this is a demon boner, I'm likely to shoot Tartarus fire out! This is an Armageddon boner! This is the boner to end all boners!

“Fine,” he cleared his throat nervously after a moment, not recognizing the voice. “Shouldn't you be on duty?”

There was a brief pause.

“... We heard you were doing gymnastics,” another stallion replied eventually.

“We?”

Shining dared to take a peek out the door.

Were any of them able to listen to the conversation going on inside his head, they likely would have only heard plentiful screaming.

He instantly regretted it, considering that over a dozen expectant royal guards were awaiting this 'incredible display of contortion'.

Shining then vowed to hunt down the first pegasus with all the wrath of a volcano god in an ice bath.

Ice!

Shining looked desperately about his office in search of ice, before remembering that, duh, he didn't keep ice in his office, and secondly, he could have just magically conjured ice to take care of it.

With a flash, he did just that.

The ice made it worse.

“Oh COME ON!”

Shining glowered hatefully down at his chipper tripod.

The presentation...! Think, think, think...!

“Good afternoon, sir!”

“Uniform!” Shining barked confidently, the royal guard passing him instantly scrambling to look more presentable, even if he couldn't find anything wrong with his uniform. “You should be in the assembly hall, don't you know that there's a presentation in two minutes?”

“Er – y-yes sir!” the younger stallion saluted, noting just how much armor his superior was wearing. Quite a bit, more than any sane stallion would bother wearing; there was enough golden weight on him that it must have caused an enormous strain, but the unicorn seemed no worse for the wear. In fact, he looked more determined than ever.

“Why are you just standing there?” Shining said crossly, jabbing a hoof toward the other milling group in the wide assembly hall.

“Sorry sir, right to it sir!”

“Good lad!”

Shining Armor let out his umpteenth heavy sigh as the stallion trotted off.

He could get through this.

Thanks to the ludicrous amounts of gilded armor, it was much easier to hide his problems. For the most part, anyway. The 'issue' was incredibly persistent, and he swore that the suit around him was getting tighter by the minute for it.

“Hey, there you are!”

Shining refrained from sighing again, beaming when he saw Cadance's familiar face bobbing into view from around the corner.

“Hey, hon!” he grinned, tilting the helm back a little more.

“What's taking so long?” Cadance giggled. “Everypony's waiting on the big show. Knock 'em dead, tiger!” she smacked his flank and sent him toward the podium, giving him a rather suggestive wink when he looked back.

... Thunk.

“... Oh, no.”

The good news was that seeing his marefriend had definitely lifted Shining's spirits. This was also the bad news, as it had lifted quite a bit more than that.

Shining stood stock still at the podium before the milling crowd of soldiers and royal guards, all standing in silent witness to his impending speech to boost morale.

“... Uh...” he started, suddenly feeling unbearably hot underneath all the heavy gold plating. “Well, uh... you-you see... c-courage is-is very, very, uh...”

Dozens of sets of eyes stared up at him in anticipation, though he couldn't seem to spot Cadance's again.

“And-and the thing is, er, you see...”

Silence greeted him.

If I'm going to go out like this, I might as well go out in a blaze of glory.

“Aw, screw it!” Shining Armor threw up his hooves. “I am Shining Armor, and this –“ he shed himself of the heavy platemail in a single magical burst “– is my MASSIVE ERECTION!”

Gasps of shock and surprise echoed throughout the hall.

Somepony fainted.

“... Damn,” somepony else said near the back.

“You heard 'im!” another of the stallions held up a hoof proudly. “That's the spirit of Celestia's Guard!”

This, of course, resulted in a round of bawdy cheers, signaling what must have surely been the end of the much dreaded morale speech.

Holy balls I can't believe that worked.

“Holy balls I can't believe you did that!” Cadance scowled at him, her cheeks a ruddy color of red. Shining shifted awkwardly, still no more capable of veiling his 'discomfort' than he was before. “And in front of such company, no less!”

“Ahh, I've showered with every one of 'em,” Shining coughed uneasily into one hoof. “They've seen worse, trust me! And besides, it worked, didn't – wait, company?”

“That's my boy!” the sound of his father voice was like being beaten over the head with a brick. “Ha! Runs in the family,” Night Light nudged a hard blue elbow into his wife's shoulder. “Told you so.”

“Well,” Twilight Velvet approached her gawking son, who seemed significantly chalkier and paler than even his white coat usually displayed. “I suppose customs do change every few years, dearie. Celestia help us if we ever try to catch up on the times. Still, we're very proud that you've at least developed a strong sense of bravery.”

Shining Armor's aghast look of horror and mortification could have been due to the fact that he sincerely wasn't expecting Cadance to invite his parents.

Or it could have been with precisely how his mother greeted him.

How most mothers do.

With a big, loving kiss to the forehead.

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