Diamond Tiara Reads a Bedtime Story
It was a typical weekend night in Ponyville. The night air was cool and the entire town was silent. Well, the entire town minus Rich’s Manor.
“Please?” Silver asked for the hundredth time.
“No, Silver Spoon! I’m not reading you a stupid bedtime story!” Diamond Tiara yelled as she threw the book at Silver Spoon, who barely managed to dodge in time.
“But I can’t sleep without hearing one!” Silver whined, grating on Diamond Tiara’s ears.
“Well, looks like I’m not the only one who’s going to have a nasty bout of incomnia then!” Diamond said as she turned away from Silver Spoon, covering herself in her blanket. Silver sighed to herself, turning away from her friend and tucked herself in, trying her darnest to not correct her friend.
“...It’s pronounced ‘insomnia’.” She failed miserably.
“Of course it is!” Diamond roared as she threw her blanket off. “You know, seeing as how you’re the bookworm here, why don’t you read a bedtime story?!” Diamond said as she jabbed a hoof at her friend.
“...Because you have the voice of an angel?” Silver said with a smile, appealing to her friend’s massive ego.
“...This is true,” Diamond said with a smile, causing Silver Spoon to smirk.
Hook, line, and sinker. And everypony thought Diamond was the master manipulator. Ignorant fools.
“Alright, I give,” Diamond said as she picked up the book she threw. Seeing as how you won’t be able to sleep without hearing my angelic voice, I’ll read you this bedtime story just this once.” And with that Diamond Tiara opened the book to page one.
Diamond Tiara stared at the page, rolling her eyes over it as if it was in a foreign language. It wasn’t long before she hoofed over the book to Silver Spoon, pointing at a word she never saw before.
“...’Once’, Diamond Tiara. The word is ‘once’,” Silver sighed, earning a growl from Diamond Tiara.
“What?! I thought it was spanish! I didn’t understand the context!” Diamond defended, muttering to herself about how this was somehow Apple Bloom’s fault, as was everything else. Clearing her throat, Diamond Tiara once again looked at the page and was finally ready to read.
“Once upon a time there lived a simple farm pony who- Yeah, screw this,” Diamond growled as she threw the book clear across the bedroom, earning a groan from Silver Spoon.
“Oh come on! That was my favorite story!”
“It’s not my fault you have terrible taste! Seriously, a farm pony?! Next you’re going to want to read about some horribly disfigured pegasus who lives in a clocktowel, or something!” Diamond admonished.
“...It’s called a ‘clocktower’, you imbecile,” Silver muttered, causing Diamond to cackle.
“For a so-called ‘genius’, you’re not very good at pronunci- pronunti- pronancing- Gah! You suck at talking!” Diamond yelled, earning a curious look from Silver.
“What word did I mis-pronounce?”
“You said ‘imbecile’ when it’s pronounced ‘imbekile’! It’s a hard c sound!” Diamond said as she booped Silver on the nose. “You can be so silly sometimes.”
“...I miss Prancy Drew,” Silver muttered under her breath, earning a glare from Diamond.
“...I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,” Diamond muttered as she got up from her shared bed with Silver and trotted to her book case. “Anyways, if I’m going to read you a bedtime story, it’s going to be a good bedtime story! One with dragons! And princesses! And… And…” Diamond trailed off as she stared at her books, realizing the only stories she had were ones about ponies in high school attempting to lay down on a bed with another pony. They were all droll but boring, and she never got past the first chapter in any of them.
It was actually quite sad. These ponies were in high school, and they never got another pony to sleep in their beds? Ha! Diamond Tiara had Silver sleeping in her bed almost every weekend! And on weekdays she would sometimes get invitations from Princess Twilight Sparkle to spend time in her bed. Sure, she always had to decline all but once, but the fact she could so easily lay in the Princess’s bed just made these stories all the dumber.
“...And what, DT?” Silver asked, bringing Diamond Tiara out of lala land.
“...And moustaches!” Diamond Tiara said as she grabbed a random book. It doesn’t matter! I’ll just make up a story! I’m such a literally genius, she’ll never catch on!
“Alright, Silver Spoon! Prepare to be dazzled by the greatest story ever told!” Diamond said as she got back in bed and opened the book, making sure Silver couldn’t see inside.
“Oh, trust me. I’m prepared,” Silver muttered, a chill running up her spine. Why do I feel like my IQ is about to have a significant drop in a few minutes? She had no time to dwell on her ominous feelings as Diamond cleared her throat and began relaying the story.
“Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful dragon. He had the most beautiful and soft moustache in all the land and-”
“This isn’t about Spike, is it?” Silver cringed, earning a horrified look from Diamond Tiara.
“...She had the most beautiful and soft moustache in all the land and-”
“Why does a female dragon have a moustache?” Silver asked, horrified by the images of a female Spike with a moustache. It was quite unpleasant.
“Will you let me tell the story, already?!” Diamond growled, annoyed by the constant interruptions.
“Sorry, sorry!” Silver said as she held her hooves up. “Just trying to grasp what’s going on here,” Silver muttered, earning a derisive snort from Diamond.
“Anyways, back to the story. This dragon was no ordinary dragon, but in fact, she was the princess of all the dragons in the land! All the other dragons worshipped the very ground she flew on-”
“Oh sweet Celestia, there are so many things wrong with this and it’s only the first paragraph,” Silver muttered. Diamond Tiara glared at her friend, before continuing on with the story.
“And the dragon peasants built large stone monuments of her glorious moustache! All the dragons loved her-”
“Didn’t you say something awfully similar, like, a sentence or two ago?” Silver asked incredulously. “You know, repeating yourself over and over again is poor writing.”
“...It’s a first degree bologna. It’s a first degree bologna,” Diamond muttered to herself, resisting the urge to murder Silver Spoon with the book in her hooves.
“...What the heck’s a bologna?” Silver asked, though she was pointedly ignored by Diamond Tiara.
“Do you want me to read the story or not?” Diamond asked. “Because if you’re just going to whine the whole night about this amazing story I’m reading to you, I might end up going to prison before this night’s over.”
“Hmm, let me think,” Silver said as she scratched her chin in thought. On one hoof, she really wanted that bedtime story. On the other, she would have to listen to Diamond Tiara’s idiotic tale of whatever the heck it was.
“...Let’s go to bed,” Silver concluded quickly. No bedtime story was worth this much pain and agony.
“Finally!” Diamond Tiara sighed in relief as she threw the book away. “Now get over here and hold me tightly, you saxy grey mare,” Diamond whispered as she threw herself in Silver’s hooves, inhaling her lover’s lavender scent.
“Oh, Diamond,” Silver chuckled as she nuzzled into Diamond Tiara’s mane, inhaling the scent of strawberry shampoo that Diamond loved oh so much. “It’s pronounced ‘sexy’,” she muttered, earning a growl from Diamond.
That night, Silver surprisingly didn’t have to sleep on the couch.
The End
