Depression & Adultery

        I awoke in a place I never thought I would.

Lying under a blue sky in a grassy field.

Nothing else in my vision.

I was lying on the ground,

face up.

  A sharp piece of metal

jabbed at my side.

"Ow."

  'You will not speak, beast.

'Remain where you are and surrender now,

'or you will be struck down where you are!'

Damn. Hard chioce.

I already tried to kill myself once.

Second time's the charm?

Maybe I shouldn't.

This time might be better.

Maybe.

  'Strap him down.

'Do not provoke him.'

Shit, if you weren't trying to provoke me,

you sure are now.

"Wait a minute."

  'YOU WILL SURRENDER NOW, BEAST-'

"I'M TRYING TO DECIDE!"

I startled even myself with my outburst.

  'Decide what?'

"Whether to surrender or die.

"Quit rushing me."

  'Y-y-you are actually considering--'

"Quiet! I'm trying to think."

I just take a moment

to try to take in the situation here.

I'm supposed to be dead.

I guess God likes to fuck with me

and make my suffering even worse.

I hate living in this brain.

I even tried to remove it from my head,

and it still keeps tormenting me.

I really just want a new one.

Or never to have had one

in the first place.

  I turn my head,

and see a fluffy anthro cartoon pony plushie

that moves on its own,

and seems to be made of flesh and fur,

not stuffing and felt.

There are several of them in my view.

Perhaps a dozen or two surround me, then.

They were wearing knock-off classical Roman armor.

With the comb brushes and everything.

Looks really silly.

"You, soldier," I say,

startling the probable recruit

and everyone else.

"Should I Surrender or die? You see,

"I've already tried both.

"Both of them sucked."

The guard just stands there and stammers.

Idiot.

"Anyone have a coin I can flip?"

  I think I remember

in my depressing life

the concept

of the value and preservation

of life.

I think it's a sadistic urge of humans

to prolong the suffering of poor bastards like me.

Stupid suicide hot-lines.

  'De-ah- I-ah think you should surrender.'

Oh.

Right.

They think that death is a threat to me.

I don't fear death.

I welcome it.

Heh- My punishment must be more severe.

Ah fuck it.

"So, you want me to get up,

"and promise not to stab out my guts if I do,

"or are you gonna carry me to your leader like I am?"

None of the soldiers speak.

I think they were expecting resistance

or something stupid like that.

Nah. It's not worth the pain.

"Okay, you know what,

"since you all yelled at me

"and tried to threaten me,

"I'm not getting up.

"You're carrying me."

I lay there.

I was dragged

into some cell-like dungeon.

I made no effort to lift my butt off the ground as they dragged it.

They only noticed when they found

I had lost all the skin over my tailbone

and started bleeding all over their floors.

  Good Lord, I said I was sorry.

Then they had these medics and shit all over me,

yelling stuff about performing magical skin grafts on Xenos

and the risks involved.

  I'm glad I didn't have

to do any of the paperwork.

I was eventually wheeled to the--

prison-house-fortress-castle-shining-city-on-a-hill-thing.

  They left me

a bale of hay and some water.

I think they expected me to eat the hay.

Idiots.

I should have shown them my teeth.

Maybe one of the rookies

would have freaked out and tried to kill me.

  I lay on the hay in indifference.

Until an anthropomorphic Twilight Sparkle from MLP Friendship is Magic appeared right outside my cell.

  'Holy shit, it's Christmas!' -Ellis, Left 4 Dead 2

Wow.

I'm on the biggest acid trip of my life.

And I don't even do acid.

Now that's saying

nothing.

  *ahem* 'My name is Twilight Sparkle.'

...

  'What's your name?'

Time to play

to the cliche...

"Anonymous. You can call me Anon."

Twilight proceeded to be Twilight.

I almost smiled at how adorkable she was.

Hey, maybe I oughta try

to live a little while longer.

This might be entertaining.

I'll give her a week, before

she bores me

like everything in my previous life.

  After 3 hours of questions,

and me responding with few answers,

her smile was completely gone.

I had told her about my world,

about the show,

and about me,

my depression,

and my suicide.

She looked sad for me.

I think I was tainting her

with my presence.

  These ponies

were supposed to be happy,

unlike me.

'You mean, other humans do,

'but you don't have a reason to live at all?'

"Nnnope. Well, maybe."

Her smile returns for an instant.

'Really? What is it?'

"Might wanna see where my body ended up

"if I wake up from this weird dream."

  'I keep trying to tell you,

  'this isn't a dream!'

She's upset now.

I hate to see her like that.

She's a pony.

Ponies are supposed to be happy.

It just goes to show how good I am

for everything in this world too,

making her upset.

Sure this isn't a dream.

"Why don't you go away

"and be happy again?"

  'B-but- I wanna help you!

  'I just don't get why you

  'can't be happy, too!'

"I don't either, Twi. "

I went through seven different psychiatrists and counselors back where I came from

"and none of them could make me happy."

Twilight scowled.

  'Well... perhaps it's YOU

  'who can make yourself happy.

  'Why aren't YOU doing anything about it?'

Now that was uncalled for.

"You know what, Twilight,

"next time you have a broken leg,

"I'll tell you to walk it off,

"and you'll be better.

"Next time you get a broken rib,

"I'll prescribe you a couple of breathing exercises.

"That'll stop the pain,

"now, won't it?

  "You don't know what psychological pain does to you, Twilight;

"and with any luck, you never will.

"There is no POINT in trying anymore.

"I DID that already.

"The next best thing you can do is go away,

"live your happy life,

"and stop hurting me

"by letting me see you with a sad face.

  "The Twilight I saw from the show

"isn't sad like you are right now.

"Seeing you sad like this hurts me

"more than anything else."

  This was the first among many conversations

that she had with me.

No, I really didn't have them with her.

I was too apathetic.

I would lay in my cell

for hours without moving,

just staring at the ceiling.

Just me and my dark thoughts.

And the dripping of the water.

  I thought the guards weren't supposed

to interact with their prisoners.

They wanted me to do something.

Anything. Prove that I was alive.

I just flipped them the bird.

'What does that mean, creature?'

"It means 'up yours.'"

'What up my what?'

"It means I hope someone shoves

"his dick up your ass."

  That shut him up.

I thought these guards

were supposed to be tough.

I bet none of them

have ever had

to kill anything.

If they were to see

how an Earthly soldier's life went out

... and ended...

  I was let out of the cell

and allowed to live in Canterlot

after my presence was announced to the general public.

Twilight vouched for me.

It seems, that, according to Celestia,

the Sun-butt goddess,

that she was originally very socially awkward;

the charm that she used

to persuade the crowd that I wasn't a danger

was learned over years of experience with her friends,

the bearers

of the Orbital Friendship Cannon that was pointed at me at first.

  They really are good friends.

They never trusted me a moment while I was in Canterlot.

They really wanted to protect Twilight

from me as well as herself.

They said

that she should stay away from me.

I agreed with them.

They told her

my presence could have been corrupting her mind.

I told them

that they were absolutely correct.

They really are good friends.

  I sent an anonymous letter to AJ and RD

about the creature in Celestia's castle,

and that Applejack & Skittles

should try to do me in.

You know, for the good of Equestria.

They never fulfilled the letter's instructions.

Perhaps Twilight stopped them.

Idiots.

  I got to meet the other princesses

while I was there in the castle.

They deemed my depression a delusion.

I was certain it was very real.

The three of them were sad

        when they looked through my mind,

trying to see if I was dangerous.

Usually in a fanfic,

the Human would be furious

at such a blatant breach of privacy.

I had nothing to hide.

All my dark, twisted thoughts

were bared to them.

And unlike their reaction should have been

to seeing into a human mind,

they were intrigued

and saddened.

I shouldn't have let them in.

I'm corrupting their minds too

with my depression, I thought.

I was such a killjoy

around the princesses.

  I spread fake letters

through the mail system.

Told the guards

that they should kill me.

That there's a dark magic in me or something

that was twisting Celestia's mind, making her be nice to me.

I even arranged a meeting where the guards were to conspire to arrange an 'accident' for me.

They never carried it out.

Idiots.

  My other suicide attempts failed as well.

No sharp objects were allowed into my room.

My windows were barred.

I just lay there in my room.

Facing up on the bed.

Trying to will my heart

to stop beating.

Hide the food they send.

Feed it to the birds.

Keep the door locked.

Don't talk to anyone.

I just lay there on the bed,

just like in the cell.

I didn't have enough willpower

to dehydrate myself.

I'm not that masochistic.

  It had been about 10 days

of starving myself.

I was feeling so relaxed.

Hopefully one of the guards

will finally burst in

and finish the job.

My stomach still ached a little.

I was well into my fast.

My ribs were nice and visible.

I was already skinny beforehand.

This shouldn't take much longer.

I took another sip of water.

  Another knock at my door.

It was Celestia.

I didn't care.

I ignored her.

I heard a loud crash

through my muffled hearing.

  I think Celestia gasped

as she saw how close I was

to success.

She dragged me

into the hospital

and they stuck magical IVs

into my flesh.

All my work

was ruined...

  They kept insisting

that there was a way to help me.

Glass Heart-butt was the saddest.

She knew

that I never found love on Earth.

She knew

that I knew that I'm incapable of love.

She didn't believe it.

She told me the way to make me happy

was the perfect lover.

  I loved her sense of humor,

especially when she got mad a me

when I knew that what she was saying

was really all a big joke.

  They kept persevering

until I made the move

to stop wasting their time,

namely, taking a swan-dive

over the edge of the mountain

and seeing how long

'til I hit the bottom.

I realized what sadists they were

when they refused to let me die.

I mean come on, already,

I'd already lived twice.

I was getting tired

of this shit.

They wouldn't hear it-

telling me I was sick,

and delusional.

I knew they couldn't 'cure' this sickness,

no matter how hard they tried.

  They spent hours with me

in the psych ward of the castle.

I didn't know they had a psych ward in the castle.

Usually I was lying on a table,

and they were all around my head, magical horns glowing,

and magical glows around my head

as they were trying to re-arrange my brain or something like that.

  I think that as they were sitting at that table,

my head in the center of their group,

they were able to see into the mechanics of my mind.

As demi-goddesses, I guess that wasn't impossible.

I got my second taste of electro-convulsive therapy.

Days went by while they were rifling through my head,

speaking to each other in Latin

so I wouldn't put in my helpful imput.

From hearing the tones of the conversation, it seems

that Sun-butt and Moon-butt gave in to Heart-butt's idea

when their own didn't work.

  She mentioned something about Twilight Sparkle and their plan,

if my Spanish could mean anything to my understanding of Latin.

Then they mentioned Ponyville and the Castle there.

I was hinted to that Twilight would make a lover for me.

Whether this 'to make' was linguistically reflexive or not was not my concern.

I just wanted to die.

When I thought that -

they could read my mind while my brain was open to them on that table -

they all looked to each other,

and started talking about an encantation that they were planning.

  The Princesses then did something

that I will never be able to forgive.

Using their powerful magic, they cast a ward on me.

  A ward from suicide.

No matter how hard I tried to kill myself,

there was no way I could die of 'unnatural causes.'

This was something they only did to the very mentally sick.

Fuck 'em.

Believe me, I tested their spell very thouroughly.

  All my self-influcted cuts healed before any blood could leave them.

Whenever I jumped off a cliff, I was instantly raised back up to the ledge.

I couldn't fall to my death, even if it was an 'accident.'

While I was in the castle, I arranged my own assassination anonymously.

The assassination failed when the pony stabbed his knife into my spine

and got electrocuted.

He was supposed to kill me in the middle of my sleep.

He started writhing in pain when his work failed.

I approached him on the floor, rather angrily when he stopped twitching... mostly...

"You're fired." I said.

I think he was rather shocked

to recognize my voice as the cloaked figure

who hired him.

That was all just before my arranged coming to Ponyville,

to live with Sparkle-butt.

I lived there for some untracked amount of time- less than a year-

before the next major event.

  You see, I found myself smiling

for the first time in years.

Twilight was a wonderful conversationalist.

She told me the same.

When her friends unfortunately started to trust me,

they were good with conversation, too.

Even the pink one.

Pinkie Pie turned out to be a lot more sensitive

than portrayed in the show.

But she was still random,

worked under her own laws of nature,

and made others smile.

But she didn't make me smile

as much as Twilight.

I really liked that purple unicorn.

Still, I didn't like

nor trust myself around them.

I still wondered

if I were tainting them

with my humanness

and sadness.

  I told her of my plan:

I was going to move out,

and make a life

and friends

of my own.

I really wasn't going to make friends,

but that's what I told her.

Being the Princess of Friendship,

I think she knew I was lying.

I just wanted to live alone

and stop bothering people.

I knew I was bothering her,

given her failures

to meet up to the challenge

in our first conversation.

She hated failure.

She really couldn't make me happy,

even if she could make me smile.

There's a huge difference.

  She stopped me,

right outside the city hall

with the bag of bits that I had worked around town for

as payment for a small house

on the outskirts of town.

She told me to come

to her room in her castle.

We sat down, and she looked conflicted.

I asked her what was wrong,

and what she needed to say.

She told me

that she didn't want me to leave.

I asked her why.

Then she told me.

  She was crushing on me,

and couldn't let me go.