Depression & Adultery

by oron61

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Sad, Anthro, Romance, Tragedy, Dark
Length: 7794

Written in Poetic/Epic form. A suicidal and depressed human lands in Equestria and somehow manages to find love, and slowly starts building up his sanity. That is, until he catches her cheating on him. Will he ever love himself o trust anyone again?

Written in Poetic/Epic form. A cynical, psychotic, suicidal and depressed human lands in Equestria and somehow manages to find love. When he catches his wife cheating on him, however, his sanity is threatened once again. Will anypony be able to earn his trust again?

Warning! Contains:
Suicidal thoughts
Suicidal actions
Self Neglect
Self-pity fests
Anonymous in Equestria
Anonymous in Anthro Equestria
Anonymous in Anthro Equestria with emo/non-existent personality
Unrealistic Emotions
Waifu-snatching
Adultery
Surrealism
Horse-cock, et al.

Inspired by:
-the prompt for and green-text story of Adulterous Twilight by Fife-Niner-Seven,
-Zamairiac's stories full of strong emotions and extremely possessive desires
-and when I feel depressed at night.

Yeah, this was totally not originally meant for green-text or anything.
Nope, it's not self insert either…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-22 22:06:03 UTC

Part 3

  Then came that night. When I followed her,

after seeing her don a disguise-

Heading somewhere she never told me about.

I planned on scooping her up and tickling her

before kissing her like I often did.

But I was intrigued. Was she going to get me something in secret?

She didn't need to give me any gifts.

If anything, I owed her,

for making my life so wonderful.

I followed her as she went into the guard barracks behind the castle.

then...

  I found Twilight.

A stallion balls deep in her.

She was wearing her disguise.

A bit of magic that she learned after emulating some Changeling refugees.

Her secret identity was the persona called, Dawn Shine.

She's a dull pink mare with neat curled lavender mane.

Dawn was a 'castle maid;' she and I were 'best friends;'

we could go to town and shop for stuff for Twilight

since Twilight didn't want too much media attention.

The press made siege to the castle, and the mane 5

had to come to her with their husbands for tea.

The population liked, congratulated, and ignored me,

seeing how introverted I was,  when they found out about our relationship,

then marriage. They were all over Twilight, though.

I didn't care, so long as she was happy.

She said she didn't care, so long as I was happy.

Her 'love' for me made her able to ignore the press.

That melted my heart.

  I still remembered.

I was still there.

I am still there.

There is Dawn Shine.

Twilight Sparkle in disguise.

Flash Sentry, one of my most loyal guards, is balls deep in her.

I'm already feeling sorry that the poor guy has been caught up in this crap.

He's not going to have an easy time surviving the wrath of my in-laws;

I'm not going to have an easy time defending him.

He doesn't deserve any of this. None of it is his fault.

  The adultress always gets more flak than the adulturer in Equestria, it seems.

Kinda the opposite of earth.

They sympathize with the stallion- inwardly assuming she beat her husband.

Kinda the opposite of earth.

  Twilight's wedding ring is not visible on Dawn Shine's horn.

Before Flash can ask me

why his Prince-Cosort is barging in on him in the middle of a good time with his mare-friend,

I remove the wedding band from my finger.

Because of the magical enchantments put on them by Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,

as my ring slips off, hers does as well.

Because the rings have been removed, Princess Cadence will instantly know

that there's something wrong.

There is no way to remove the rings

unless there has been a great disturbance in the love between the two wearers.

And a great disturbance there has been.

  Her disguise spell, confused by the appearance of a foreign object

that was previously disguised, breaks.

Poor Flash Sentry finds out who Dawn Shine really is.

His well-endowed horse-cock--

much bigger than mine ever could be,

goes limp like a popped baloon.

His face goes pale.

His eyes turn to Twilight Sparkle's.

'Y-you are...'

Twilight says nothing.

Flash slaps her muzzle. 'You-youyouyou...'

He backs off the bed, dropping his plot on the floor.

He bolts into his bathroom and locks the door. I don't blame the poor bastard.

...

'Anon-- I--'

"I understand."

  I really did. Now I understood everything.

The gifts that she bought me when I was feeling down.

The continued experiments and tests that I continued to allow her to perform on my body and mind.

When she 'confessed' love to me

when I told her of my plans to move out of her Castle and make a life of my own.

How everything in the relationship seemed so mechanical and practiced on her part,

even the sex, though she insisted how wonderful I was...

How I suspected that her 'orgasms' were entirely fake only when we were fucking,

and never when I was using my fingers,

since they were the only things that really could please her.

  I really did want to please her first and foremost.

I wouldn't let myself orgasm until she insisted that I did.

If she didn't like me to cum, I would have waited until she slept to get off.

Even though she lied so emphatically that she convinced me that I was better than any pony,

how she told me all the time that she was the luckiest mare in the world...

and I would tell her that I was

the luckiest man

in existence...

  I was still that cold, hard, mean person when we were just friends

she couldn't soften my depression fast enough,

even though she succeeded.

But she couldn't do it with mere friendship.

She needed to give me something more.

She didn't like me;

she just wanted me for her science experiments.

She would dive into my mind and memories,

learning all of the technologies that humanity had.

She loved to spend hours with me,

traveling through my memories.

I would kiss her.

Because I loved her.

And it only

reminded her

that she 'loved' me.

I ignored the front she put up.

I was in denial.

So desperate for love and affection.

  Cadance was right.

I was obsessed.

  I was desperate.

Oh God, I was

SO, so desperate

for love and affection.

I couldn't even wrap my head

around the idea

that she would lie to me.

Couldn't understand

that it could be possible.

She was my everything.

She was the reason

I kept living.

Living.

Living was a gift

with her.

It was no longer a torment.

I could comprehend the idea, then,

that Life was precious.

was precious.

was.

  I walked from the barracks.

A fast walk.

The walk one made when they were 'storming' out or in somewhere.

Twilight only caught up to me when I reached the station.

She had to fly.

She probably had to clean my poor guard's cum off herself.

She had crocodile tears in her eyes.

'Anon, I'm sorry! I didn't mean t-'

I back-handed her,

knocking her out of the air

and back onto her belly

as she cried for being caught.

The crowd around the train station gasped.

I noticed tears running down my own cheeks.

My left hand still held the wedding ring.

Cadance's enchantments were strong with it.

I held onto it,

so she would be able to track me down

and possibly talk to, or at least console me.

I had a train ride for it.

I might use royal privilege to get one of the front coaches all to myself.

My right hand reached to my head,

where my circlet still wrapped around my head.

I was crowned prince when we were married.

It wasn't anything important to me.

I didn't care about being Prince.

I thought that was just another reason

that she loved me.

  Now, my princehood was less than important.

I removed the circlet, glancing at the beautiful work of smithing.

It was elegant and dainty,

yet masculine at the same time.

A green gem in the center.

"A lie," I said. "It was all a LIE!"

I threw the circlet to the ground right before her,

watching it break in two.

I spat at where it was.

The train whistled.

Twilight stayed where she was,

still crying.

I was still crying.

I turned my back on her,

then hopped onto the train while it was just starting to move.

  I took my seat in the royal coach.

The inspector came by. He'd seen the exchange.

I handed him the bit-cost for the ticket,

and a little extra, asking him,

"Please, see to it I'm not disturbed."

I knew he could see the tears

still flowing down my face.

He only nodded and scuttled off.

I locked the door behind him.

Cadance teleported into the coach.

I saw her eyes.

They were full of fury,

but not towards me.

I think her connection to the rings,

or her powers as Princess of Love

let her know.

  She hugged me.

And held me.

I couldn't do anything

but cry into her chest.

The whole trip, it seemed.

It wasn't the whole trip.

At least an hour, though,

I cried into her chest.

She didn't speak.

She didn't tell me sweet lies

about how it's gonna be okay.

She knew I was now back

to stage 1. Depressed again.

She knew why I was going to Canterlot.

She didn't challenge me.

How could she?

All her plans had failed.

In my heart, I knew that she felt betrayed, too.

Twilight lied to her, too.

  I lay in her arms and wings,

pretending to sleep.

  I knew what it was.

It was my fault.

I didn't see the signs.

I wasn't good enough for her.

My dick.

Short, misshapen, too dry, and too thin.

She told me it was wonderful.

Liar.

  I was no lover for her.

I was her science experiment.

She had to love me

to keep me in her grip.

She had to marry me, too.

I was nothing

but an inconvenience to her.

But she still could find satisfaction.

Just needed a guard

to scratch her itch.

When my fingers didn't do the job.

And poor private Sentry

was caught up in this shit.

It really isn't his fault he's bigger than I.

I had thought my stamina would have satisfied her...

"It's not his fault."

I whispered to Cadance.

'I know,' she said.

She must have known about the disguises

when I took off the rings.

Like I said, those rings that she makes for marriages-- really powerful.

They can tell her everything.

I wanted Cadance to know about our connection

and bond while we were married.

Because of the rings, she could check on it whenever she wanted.

I asked her to put on whatever enchantments she could

that she didn't already when we got married.

I wanted her to know and feel everything,

feel our love for each other.

I wanted to let her know always that her plan had worked.

I wanted to thank her for not giving up on me.

She was responsible for me finally having joy in life.

Now, she was the only thing left for me to hold.

The train reached the station.

I stood up quickly- then kissed her forehead.

It's platonic.

A sign of deep, deep friendship.

I knew she was married.

I'm not going to rebound on her.

I'm not that desperate.

At least, not any more.

All that construct-

that love and ability to love and live-

which Cadance built in me through Twilight-

broken.

"Thank you so much," I whispered.

  I left the train, storming again.

Every pony made way.

They saw the tears, still in my eyes.

I heard Cadance teleport away somewhere behind me.

I hope she went to warn Sun-butt.

  15 Minutes later...

I burst into Celestia's chambers.

There was only one thing on my mind.

I saw Cadance in the room at the edge of my vision.

I ignored her.

'Anonymous- I heard ab-'

I grabbed her by the collar and threw her into her cushion.

I didn't know I was that strong.

"KILL ME!" I demanded.

'Anon-'

"KILL ME!"

'I couldn'-'

I slapped her.

"KILL ME!"

My voice was cracking.

Cadance was shocked.

I think she didn't know that a male could be so agressive in this gender-reversed world.

Only the guard taught agression in males-

since their physiques made them more efficient in combat.

"KILL MEEE!"

I picked up Celestia with my failing strength

and pushed her to the wall.

I knew she was letting me.

I should have thanked her for it.

"Kill meee..."

I moaned, falling to my knees,

letting go of her.

All I could do was cry some more.

Heh. 'Cry some more.'

I just curled into a fetal position on the floor.

  Celestia wrapped me with her wings into a feathery cocoon with the help of Cadance.

Both of them were crying, too.

  I realized how much they cared for me.

How they weren't sadists.

They didn't prolong my life to make me suffer.

They did it because they loved life-

and couldn't let me go.

I fell asleep in their wings.

I dreamt of Twilight.

I dreamt of our love.

I was tackle-hug-kissing her at the door-

she and the five- with their husbands had come over for tea.

They laughed as I snogged her.

She kissed back.

My heart was leaping, kicking at my sternum.

It intensified as she moaned into the kiss.

I felt so, so safe as she wrapped her wings around me.

I just relaxed as my body hit the floor beside her.

My hands, already holding the back of her head

to keep her from getting hurt

were pushing her face into mine.

She couldn't kiss me hard enough.

But the kiss stopped. The wings vanished.

Her form seemed so far away.

I reached out,

but she had donned the disguise.

Dawn Shine ran out the door,

looking around in secret.

She ran off and I followed.

I knew that was going to happen.

I couldn't stop myself.

I followed her in her disguise

to Twilight's bed chambers.

Our bed chambers.

I finally found her.

It wasn't Sentry in her now,

but a bigger stallion.

A better stallion.

Big and muscular, but balanced.

He was as sleek as Celestia and muscular as Big Macintosh.

and I knew he was perfect for her.

He was better than me in every way.

Black coat and black wings-

a black and red mane that flowed in the air-

and whenever it touched her mane, it flowed too.

He had a long, black horn on his head.

A perfect alicorn stallion.

His cock filled her entirely.

It was stuffed into her, making her moan lewdly.

A real moan.

A moan of ecstasy.

Something I could never get from her.

His balls were thrice my diameter.

They could satisfy her.

They could bear her foals.

They could please her to orgasm

again

and again

and again.

She looked at me with a smug grin,

and kissed the stallion,

who only looked at her.

The pain I felt in my chest was unbearable.

It were as though I was hit by lightning in my spine-

the best I could describe it.

'You- Anonymous,' said Twilight Sparkle.

'You were stupid enough that it took this for you to figure it out.'

She kissed the stallion again.

Another lightning strike's pain

'you can't see what's in your own face, Anonymous.

'You are blind.'

She kissed the stallion.

Their mouths fit together perfectly.

She turned to me.

'You are weak.'

Another kiss.

'You are stupid.'

Another kiss.

'Now that I have all your memories and technology,

'I can put them to use in Equestria

'without making the same mistakes your people did.'

'You are useless to me, now, Anonymous.

'You are totally, utterly useless.'

She kissed him again.

'You are worthless.'

Another kiss.

'You are a freak.'

Another kiss.

'You.

'Are nothing.'

Part 4

I awoke screaming.

Celestia burst into the room to see me bawling like a baby.

She took me into her feathery cocoon,

holding me tightly in her arms,

bringing me into her breast while I wept.

Luna burst into the room after,

saying something about blocked magic.

She joined her sister in  hold me, saying,

'I'm sorry!' over and over again.

I used my other arm

to hold onto her as well.

She was crying, too.

'Idiot,' she whispered to herself.

'I'm such a useless, worthless idiot...'

that got my attention.

I don't know how Celestia didn't hear that.

Perhaps she thought she was saying sweet nothings into my ears.

It didn't matter.

She got my attention.

I was furious at her.

How could she say something like that?

I slapped her across her nuzzle.

"Don't you ever say that again, Princess Luna!"

'But if I-'

I slapped her upside the head this time.

Celestia only watched in shock.

"Don't you ever talk like that!

"Don't ever say that again, you hear me?!

"You are not worthless, Luna.

"You're not!"

I took a moment

to catch my breath,

and for Luna to come down

from being so startled.

Luna was crying too, now.

I pulled her face towards mine.

"You are the keeper of the night.

"Ponies sleep then. They sleep

"because they trust you, Luna.

"They sleep better

"than when you were gone,

because you can protect their dreams, Luna."

"You are wise and powerful.

"You fought in wars to defend this land.

"You are strong- stronger than I could ever be.

"You're strong enough to carry those memories.

"Through hundreds and hundreds of years."

"I mean, look at me.

What have I proven myself

other than an emotional parasite?

All I did was cling to Twilight

and use her as a secrueity blanket

because I can't handle myself.

"I had to use HER

"to take care of ME

"because I can't take care of MYSELF."

Luna and Celestia looked like their were about to respond,

but I kept going.

"What do I have to prove any more?

"What function do I have here?

"I was stupid enough

"that it took THAT

"for me to figure it out.

"I can't see what's in my own face, Luna.

"I am blind.

"I am weak.

"I am stupid.

"Now that Twilight has all my memories and technology,

"she can put them to use in Equestria

"without making the same mistakes my people did.

"I am totally useless to anyone, now, Luna.

"I am worthless.

"I am a freak.

"I.

"Am nothing."

They tried to cut me off again,

but I wouldn't allow it.

"You are the night, Luna.

"You are half the day,

"you are everypony's Lady.

"They are in awe of you, Luna.

"They fear you

"because they love you.

"Everypony loves you, Luna.

"You are the Butterfly of the night.

"You think that way

"because you can't see your own wings."

I grabbed her face

and held my forehead to hers.

"You are a gorgeous,

"beautiful Butterfly, Luna.

"I am nothing but a flea.

"A jumping,

"ugly-faced flea.

"Please.

"Just let me be.

"Don't try to save me, Luna.

"You have to let me go."

While I distracted her

with my charming words,

I moved too quickly for them to respond.

I grabbed her by the horn and plunged it into my throat.

That night, I almost broke my spell.

If Luna hadn't gone limp in her grief over me,

I might have put her horn deep enough in me to break the suicide ward.

I had failed again.

I lay there in the psych ward.

Eyes dull as rocks.

I lay there in a padded room-

since I kept trying to crack my head open with the floor.

I was put in a straight jacket

since I kept whipping my head back and forth as much as possible,

or trying to twist my head to break my neck.

I was given a couple of magical IVs

to preserve my body, since I refused to feed myself.

I had a catheter in,

since I tried to poison myself with my own pee.

I had a  special something-or-other device in the other exit

so I wouldn't kill myself with the same.

I had a cone on my head with holes in it,

since I tried to smother myself with the padded walls.

I was quite inventive when I wanted to be,

but they had me good, this time.

They just forced me to live.

Cadence would often come and talk to me.

I was more relaxed when she was around;

the tension in my shoulders lifted.

The sisters, too, made me feel better.

I nuzzled them as best I could.

A pony psychologist would see me.

It was a laugh, but she was a smart cookie.

I think she knew what she was doing in my head.

The more I talked, the less and less confused about me she seemed.

They slowly started taking the devices off me over the next few months.

For some odd reason,

I didn't want to die, anymore.

I just wanted to be with the princesses.

Especially Celestia.

She seemed so lonely.

I just had to be around her.

We talked about all sorts of things-

the Mane 5 would occasionally come up,

but we didn't talk about them much-

until they came to visit me.

Part 1

        I awoke in a place I never thought I would.

Lying under a blue sky in a grassy field.

Nothing else in my vision.

I was lying on the ground,

face up.

  A sharp piece of metal

jabbed at my side.

"Ow."

  'You will not speak, beast.

'Remain where you are and surrender now,

'or you will be struck down where you are!'

Damn. Hard chioce.

I already tried to kill myself once.

Second time's the charm?

Maybe I shouldn't.

This time might be better.

Maybe.

  'Strap him down.

'Do not provoke him.'

Shit, if you weren't trying to provoke me,

you sure are now.

"Wait a minute."

  'YOU WILL SURRENDER NOW, BEAST-'

"I'M TRYING TO DECIDE!"

I startled even myself with my outburst.

  'Decide what?'

"Whether to surrender or die.

"Quit rushing me."

  'Y-y-you are actually considering--'

"Quiet! I'm trying to think."

I just take a moment

to try to take in the situation here.

I'm supposed to be dead.

I guess God likes to fuck with me

and make my suffering even worse.

I hate living in this brain.

I even tried to remove it from my head,

and it still keeps tormenting me.

I really just want a new one.

Or never to have had one

in the first place.

  I turn my head,

and see a fluffy anthro cartoon pony plushie

that moves on its own,

and seems to be made of flesh and fur,

not stuffing and felt.

There are several of them in my view.

Perhaps a dozen or two surround me, then.

They were wearing knock-off classical Roman armor.

With the comb brushes and everything.

Looks really silly.

"You, soldier," I say,

startling the probable recruit

and everyone else.

"Should I Surrender or die? You see,

"I've already tried both.

"Both of them sucked."

The guard just stands there and stammers.

Idiot.

"Anyone have a coin I can flip?"

  I think I remember

in my depressing life

the concept

of the value and preservation

of life.

I think it's a sadistic urge of humans

to prolong the suffering of poor bastards like me.

Stupid suicide hot-lines.

  'De-ah- I-ah think you should surrender.'

Oh.

Right.

They think that death is a threat to me.

I don't fear death.

I welcome it.

Heh- My punishment must be more severe.

Ah fuck it.

"So, you want me to get up,

"and promise not to stab out my guts if I do,

"or are you gonna carry me to your leader like I am?"

None of the soldiers speak.

I think they were expecting resistance

or something stupid like that.

Nah. It's not worth the pain.

"Okay, you know what,

"since you all yelled at me

"and tried to threaten me,

"I'm not getting up.

"You're carrying me."

I lay there.

I was dragged

into some cell-like dungeon.

I made no effort to lift my butt off the ground as they dragged it.

They only noticed when they found

I had lost all the skin over my tailbone

and started bleeding all over their floors.

  Good Lord, I said I was sorry.

Then they had these medics and shit all over me,

yelling stuff about performing magical skin grafts on Xenos

and the risks involved.

  I'm glad I didn't have

to do any of the paperwork.

I was eventually wheeled to the--

prison-house-fortress-castle-shining-city-on-a-hill-thing.

  They left me

a bale of hay and some water.

I think they expected me to eat the hay.

Idiots.

I should have shown them my teeth.

Maybe one of the rookies

would have freaked out and tried to kill me.

  I lay on the hay in indifference.

Until an anthropomorphic Twilight Sparkle from MLP Friendship is Magic appeared right outside my cell.

  'Holy shit, it's Christmas!' -Ellis, Left 4 Dead 2

Wow.

I'm on the biggest acid trip of my life.

And I don't even do acid.

Now that's saying

nothing.

  *ahem* 'My name is Twilight Sparkle.'

...

  'What's your name?'

Time to play

to the cliche...

"Anonymous. You can call me Anon."

Twilight proceeded to be Twilight.

I almost smiled at how adorkable she was.

Hey, maybe I oughta try

to live a little while longer.

This might be entertaining.

I'll give her a week, before

she bores me

like everything in my previous life.

  After 3 hours of questions,

and me responding with few answers,

her smile was completely gone.

I had told her about my world,

about the show,

and about me,

my depression,

and my suicide.

She looked sad for me.

I think I was tainting her

with my presence.

  These ponies

were supposed to be happy,

unlike me.

'You mean, other humans do,

'but you don't have a reason to live at all?'

"Nnnope. Well, maybe."

Her smile returns for an instant.

'Really? What is it?'

"Might wanna see where my body ended up

"if I wake up from this weird dream."

  'I keep trying to tell you,

  'this isn't a dream!'

She's upset now.

I hate to see her like that.

She's a pony.

Ponies are supposed to be happy.

It just goes to show how good I am

for everything in this world too,

making her upset.

Sure this isn't a dream.

"Why don't you go away

"and be happy again?"

  'B-but- I wanna help you!

  'I just don't get why you

  'can't be happy, too!'

"I don't either, Twi. "

I went through seven different psychiatrists and counselors back where I came from

"and none of them could make me happy."

Twilight scowled.

  'Well... perhaps it's YOU

  'who can make yourself happy.

  'Why aren't YOU doing anything about it?'

Now that was uncalled for.

"You know what, Twilight,

"next time you have a broken leg,

"I'll tell you to walk it off,

"and you'll be better.

"Next time you get a broken rib,

"I'll prescribe you a couple of breathing exercises.

"That'll stop the pain,

"now, won't it?

  "You don't know what psychological pain does to you, Twilight;

"and with any luck, you never will.

"There is no POINT in trying anymore.

"I DID that already.

"The next best thing you can do is go away,

"live your happy life,

"and stop hurting me

"by letting me see you with a sad face.

  "The Twilight I saw from the show

"isn't sad like you are right now.

"Seeing you sad like this hurts me

"more than anything else."

  This was the first among many conversations

that she had with me.

No, I really didn't have them with her.

I was too apathetic.

I would lay in my cell

for hours without moving,

just staring at the ceiling.

Just me and my dark thoughts.

And the dripping of the water.

  I thought the guards weren't supposed

to interact with their prisoners.

They wanted me to do something.

Anything. Prove that I was alive.

I just flipped them the bird.

'What does that mean, creature?'

"It means 'up yours.'"

'What up my what?'

"It means I hope someone shoves

"his dick up your ass."

  That shut him up.

I thought these guards

were supposed to be tough.

I bet none of them

have ever had

to kill anything.

If they were to see

how an Earthly soldier's life went out

... and ended...

  I was let out of the cell

and allowed to live in Canterlot

after my presence was announced to the general public.

Twilight vouched for me.

It seems, that, according to Celestia,

the Sun-butt goddess,

that she was originally very socially awkward;

the charm that she used

to persuade the crowd that I wasn't a danger

was learned over years of experience with her friends,

the bearers

of the Orbital Friendship Cannon that was pointed at me at first.

  They really are good friends.

They never trusted me a moment while I was in Canterlot.

They really wanted to protect Twilight

from me as well as herself.

They said

that she should stay away from me.

I agreed with them.

They told her

my presence could have been corrupting her mind.

I told them

that they were absolutely correct.

They really are good friends.

  I sent an anonymous letter to AJ and RD

about the creature in Celestia's castle,

and that Applejack & Skittles

should try to do me in.

You know, for the good of Equestria.

They never fulfilled the letter's instructions.

Perhaps Twilight stopped them.

Idiots.

  I got to meet the other princesses

while I was there in the castle.

They deemed my depression a delusion.

I was certain it was very real.

The three of them were sad

        when they looked through my mind,

trying to see if I was dangerous.

Usually in a fanfic,

the Human would be furious

at such a blatant breach of privacy.

I had nothing to hide.

All my dark, twisted thoughts

were bared to them.

And unlike their reaction should have been

to seeing into a human mind,

they were intrigued

and saddened.

I shouldn't have let them in.

I'm corrupting their minds too

with my depression, I thought.

I was such a killjoy

around the princesses.

  I spread fake letters

through the mail system.

Told the guards

that they should kill me.

That there's a dark magic in me or something

that was twisting Celestia's mind, making her be nice to me.

I even arranged a meeting where the guards were to conspire to arrange an 'accident' for me.

They never carried it out.

Idiots.

  My other suicide attempts failed as well.

No sharp objects were allowed into my room.

My windows were barred.

I just lay there in my room.

Facing up on the bed.

Trying to will my heart

to stop beating.

Hide the food they send.

Feed it to the birds.

Keep the door locked.

Don't talk to anyone.

I just lay there on the bed,

just like in the cell.

I didn't have enough willpower

to dehydrate myself.

I'm not that masochistic.

  It had been about 10 days

of starving myself.

I was feeling so relaxed.

Hopefully one of the guards

will finally burst in

and finish the job.

My stomach still ached a little.

I was well into my fast.

My ribs were nice and visible.

I was already skinny beforehand.

This shouldn't take much longer.

I took another sip of water.

  Another knock at my door.

It was Celestia.

I didn't care.

I ignored her.

I heard a loud crash

through my muffled hearing.

  I think Celestia gasped

as she saw how close I was

to success.

She dragged me

into the hospital

and they stuck magical IVs

into my flesh.

All my work

was ruined...

  They kept insisting

that there was a way to help me.

Glass Heart-butt was the saddest.

She knew

that I never found love on Earth.

She knew

that I knew that I'm incapable of love.

She didn't believe it.

She told me the way to make me happy

was the perfect lover.

  I loved her sense of humor,

especially when she got mad a me

when I knew that what she was saying

was really all a big joke.

  They kept persevering

until I made the move

to stop wasting their time,

namely, taking a swan-dive

over the edge of the mountain

and seeing how long

'til I hit the bottom.

I realized what sadists they were

when they refused to let me die.

I mean come on, already,

I'd already lived twice.

I was getting tired

of this shit.

They wouldn't hear it-

telling me I was sick,

and delusional.

I knew they couldn't 'cure' this sickness,

no matter how hard they tried.

  They spent hours with me

in the psych ward of the castle.

I didn't know they had a psych ward in the castle.

Usually I was lying on a table,

and they were all around my head, magical horns glowing,

and magical glows around my head

as they were trying to re-arrange my brain or something like that.

  I think that as they were sitting at that table,

my head in the center of their group,

they were able to see into the mechanics of my mind.

As demi-goddesses, I guess that wasn't impossible.

I got my second taste of electro-convulsive therapy.

Days went by while they were rifling through my head,

speaking to each other in Latin

so I wouldn't put in my helpful imput.

From hearing the tones of the conversation, it seems

that Sun-butt and Moon-butt gave in to Heart-butt's idea

when their own didn't work.

  She mentioned something about Twilight Sparkle and their plan,

if my Spanish could mean anything to my understanding of Latin.

Then they mentioned Ponyville and the Castle there.

I was hinted to that Twilight would make a lover for me.

Whether this 'to make' was linguistically reflexive or not was not my concern.

I just wanted to die.

When I thought that -

they could read my mind while my brain was open to them on that table -

they all looked to each other,

and started talking about an encantation that they were planning.

  The Princesses then did something

that I will never be able to forgive.

Using their powerful magic, they cast a ward on me.

  A ward from suicide.

No matter how hard I tried to kill myself,

there was no way I could die of 'unnatural causes.'

This was something they only did to the very mentally sick.

Fuck 'em.

Believe me, I tested their spell very thouroughly.

  All my self-influcted cuts healed before any blood could leave them.

Whenever I jumped off a cliff, I was instantly raised back up to the ledge.

I couldn't fall to my death, even if it was an 'accident.'

While I was in the castle, I arranged my own assassination anonymously.

The assassination failed when the pony stabbed his knife into my spine

and got electrocuted.

He was supposed to kill me in the middle of my sleep.

He started writhing in pain when his work failed.

I approached him on the floor, rather angrily when he stopped twitching... mostly...

"You're fired." I said.

I think he was rather shocked

to recognize my voice as the cloaked figure

who hired him.

That was all just before my arranged coming to Ponyville,

to live with Sparkle-butt.

I lived there for some untracked amount of time- less than a year-

before the next major event.

  You see, I found myself smiling

for the first time in years.

Twilight was a wonderful conversationalist.

She told me the same.

When her friends unfortunately started to trust me,

they were good with conversation, too.

Even the pink one.

Pinkie Pie turned out to be a lot more sensitive

than portrayed in the show.

But she was still random,

worked under her own laws of nature,

and made others smile.

But she didn't make me smile

as much as Twilight.

I really liked that purple unicorn.

Still, I didn't like

nor trust myself around them.

I still wondered

if I were tainting them

with my humanness

and sadness.

  I told her of my plan:

I was going to move out,

and make a life

and friends

of my own.

I really wasn't going to make friends,

but that's what I told her.

Being the Princess of Friendship,

I think she knew I was lying.

I just wanted to live alone

and stop bothering people.

I knew I was bothering her,

given her failures

to meet up to the challenge

in our first conversation.

She hated failure.

She really couldn't make me happy,

even if she could make me smile.

There's a huge difference.

  She stopped me,

right outside the city hall

with the bag of bits that I had worked around town for

as payment for a small house

on the outskirts of town.

She told me to come

to her room in her castle.

We sat down, and she looked conflicted.

I asked her what was wrong,

and what she needed to say.

She told me

that she didn't want me to leave.

I asked her why.

Then she told me.

  She was crushing on me,

and couldn't let me go.

Part 2

  I couldn't say no.

It was impossible.

I knew

it was too good to be true.

But I didn't care.

Someone had a crush on me?

Someone liked me

as more than a friend?

How could it be?

Could Heart-butt be right?

Could I be capable of love?

I had to know.

I needed this.

I might actually be happy.

I might find love.

That's all I wanted.

I knew it.

  She asked me out,

as was tradition in Equestria.

Gender roles about dating

were reversed here.

Lucky stallions.

We started dating each other-

and cuddling in her chambers

in the crystal palace afterward.

  Oh, I loved cuddling.

My life was complete

when we were cuddling.

I just wanted to hold her

and hug her

and nuzzle her

forever.

  I didn't even frown

when we cuddled.

I always frowned anywhere else-

even while we were dating

but I was becoming a happy person.

and soon enough,

I didn't just want

to cuddle. I wanted to be closer

to her,

to the one who was kind to me,

the one who showed me love,

the one who let me be close

to another,

something I never got in my own world.

I remember our first kiss-

after one of our dates.

It wasn't all that great for her.

Until I figured out how to do it properly.

It took a few tries to figure it all out.

But it was worth it.

Our kisses

made me feel something

deep in my core-

something I never wanted to go without again.

  Our friends found out

about our new relationship.

They were ecstatic about it.

Even Skittles, who trusted me last -

she's smarter than she looks -

was happy.

I was ecstatic

that they trusted me

with their friend.

I hugged them all,

and kissed each one on the cheek.

Even Rainbow didn't mind.

I don't know why I did that.

Then I snogged Twilight in front of all of them.

They cheered.

Pinkie was sensitive enough

to keep the party celebrating us among close friends.

  Then, came that fateful day,

when I came to Twilight-

in one of her busy days.

She'd often get caught up in political paperwork

that she really didn't need to do.

Then I got her attention.

Her friends and I would often scoop her up

and take her out to have fun.

This time, I went in to her office

and her friends stayed out of her sight,

eavesdropping carefully.

'No reason,' they said.

'Go ahead, talk to her.'

I got her attention

and took her to her chambers

her bedroom-

  The place where she first made me laugh,

where she first made me smile,

where she told me that she liked me

where we first cuddled,

where we first kissed,

where I told her I loved her,

where she said she loved me back.

And I kissed her

and kissed her

and kissed her.

Then she got my attention.

I knew she and her friends were planning something.

'Anon.'

"Yes, Twilight?"

'I have a question to ask you.'

"Anything, Twilight."

She pulled out a box

with Princess Cadance's Mark on it.

Presenting it to me,

she opened it up with her magic.

There sat two simple rings.

One conical, meant for a horn.

Another cylindrical. Meant for a finger.

'Anonymous, will you marry me?'

  The wedding was beautiful.

Everypony- even the Canterlot Nobles seemed to approve.

Perhaps it was because none of their males wanted to marry Twilight.

Or that Cadance might have threatened them with eternal torment with her alicorn powers.

Could be either.

Idiots.

They never knew what they were missing.

  All the smiles were real to me, though. Even mine.

  And she was so, so beautiful.

  Ironic.

My wedding suit was white,

with a big cravat

and long, flowing, thin robes.

Like a cloak or a trench coat.

And the cape around my shoulders,

Flowing behind me.

And tights underneath. yup.

Simple, folded fabrics with few ruffles.

Not nearly as many as most stallions' weddings.

Much against Rarity's initial design.

But in equestria, it was always completed

with a veil over my face.

I was the bride this time.

  I didn't care. In fact, I loved the reversal.

I loved her.

Because she loved me.

And showed me love.

I was hers.

Forever.

I was all hers.

She wasn't mine.

I couldn't own her.

She owned me.

I married her, and I was hers.

Forever.

  And Twilight was there at the altar

In a black concert dress,

long, elegant, and simple.

I wasn't given any flowers,

since I couldn't eat them.

  I cried in happiness.

Tears wouldn't stop flowing down my face.

And as she lifted the veil off my face

to kiss me after we made our vows,

I lept into her arms, snogging her the rest of the night,

sharing everything we ate

with a Prench kiss.

  I was ready to try so hard in bed.

I layed out potions for my stamina, size, load, everything.

I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to satisfy her.

My duty as her husband.

She was too precious for me to leave her hanging.

She saw. She knew how insecure I was.

She then pinned me to the bed. Her eyes half-lidded.

She fondled my balls with her hoof.

'Anon.' She kissed me there.

'Stop worrying about that.'

She crawled up so we were face-to-face.

'You'll never, ever have to worry about satisfying me, Anon.'

She kissed me. I was too stunned to move.

'We took long enough to see that we loved each other.'

She kissed me again.

'You never have to worry if you're good enough for me, Anon.

'I know it's hard to see for you. But I love you.'

She kissed me again.

'You are smart.'

Another kiss.

'You are strong.'

Another kiss.

'You hold knowledge and memories from another world, Anon.'

Another kiss.

'Every night, we can dive into your world through your dreams and memories with my magic.'

Another.

'We can take that knowledge and make Equestria a better place.'

Another.

'You hold the keys to things that we've never dreamed of.'

Another.

'Not just because you're an alien, but because you're you.'

Another.

'You are unique.'

Another.

'You are precious.'

Another.

'Anon.

'You are my everything.

'I love you so much,

'I know the only thing close to it is your love for me.'

  We made sweet, sweet love that night.

Seeing her orgasm made me happier than anything she did to me.

It was hard to tease her, especially when I was so eager as well.

But I slowly learned what she liked.

And when I found her weaknesses,

I pushed them with everything I had.

If it weren't for sound-proofing spells,

Spike would never have slept that night.

  He and I were best bros,

until he went off on his own adventure.

Twilight cried tears of joy and sadness,

seeing her adoptive son/brother go off

on his adventure of self-discovery.

We had only been married a few days then.

He'd been planning this trip a while.

He said that she always needed someone.

I became Twilight's Number 2 Assistant

and Number 1 husband.

  But she wasn't just my Number 1 Wife.

She was my everything.

She was my reason to be.

My eternal gift.

I had to do everything in my power

to be the best husband ever.

I had to.

And I had to not be too clingy.

I didn't want to disrupt her life.

I only wanted to improve it,

just as she completed mine.

  Here in Equestria, it was normal for the stallion to be the home-maker if the family didn't need two incomes.

Like in Ponyville. The Husband worked the field. Brought in the hay. The wife ran the shop, won the bits.

As the sexist mares once said,

'Stallions should only be seen in the field or in the bed.'

Not the kitchen. That's a luxury, since hay didn't -need- to be prepared like most human foods.

Of course, the modern mare would be furious at hearing that statement. About stallions.

And the masculist stallions would cause a riot in the streets.

  And the other five

started getting hitched to their colt-friends.

Even Fluttershy.

We met each other every evening-

the twelve of us- husbands and wives.

My frowns were as rare as my smiles were two years ago.

I never used my chair. I sat in Twilight's,

and she held me in her lap, and I just sat there,

or wrapped my legs around her, putting my head in her neck.

The other 10 found it adorable.

Nothing could be better.

When I took Twilight's smell as we lay in bed each night-

and pleasure just seemed to whirl through my chest-

up and down my whole body

just by her smell...

  My heart would leap when I saw her.

It would burn and ache when I didn't.

She went to a girls'-night-out several times- the 5 would go out for drinks.

I would try to occupy myself with things. A dismal failure.

I would practically writhe on the floor in heartache.

But I wasn't going to be clingy.

Loving, adoring, worshipful, but not clingy.

I would let her have her time to herself.

I knew ponies need their space.

And when she came home that night,

she'd get a flying hug-tackle-kiss at the door.

And the rest of the girls would laugh.

  I burned to be with her.

But I held myself back.

Even through the year of marriage.

They all thought I would calm down.

Even Cadance did.

They even held an intervention

of sorts.

Told me I was obsessed.

I did my best to convince them

of the truth.

My love was real.

I couldn't calm down about it.

But how could I?

I had a wife.

I never thought

it was possible.

I fell in love with her

again

every time I saw her.

How could I ever repay her?

She dragged me

out of hell,

and into heaven.

I couldn't put

my love for her

into words.