Dinner for Four at the Smoozgasbord
Author's Note
Written for Equestria Daily's Writer's Training Grounds for the episode "Make New Friends but Keep Discord." This is the first fan fiction I've written and posted to this site. Tell me how I did! Hope you enjoy!
Dinner for Four at the Smoozgasbord
“BLARRBULARRRBLEBLEBARBLE?”
Fluttershy gazed at the ooze confused. “Um, what did he say?” she asked Discord.
“He said ‘welcome to The Smoozgasbord, may I take your order?’”
“Oh wonderful. I was actually wondering if you have any other menus. I can’t understand what mine is saying.”
Sitting beside her, The Smooze pointed a flab of its ooze at something on her menu as if to point something out.
“I’m still not getting it.”
Tree Hugger turned her gaze towards their brown ooze waiter. “Could you bring me a droplet sized sample of the blarbleblug’s aroma? It seems like it's on my wavelength and all, but I just want to be sure everything’s aligned with my condition.”
The waiter turned towards Discord. “BLARB?”
“Tell you what Fluttershy, since tonight is on me, I will order something for you.”
The Smooze pointed again on Fluttershy’s menu causing it to glow green by this point.
“That’s a fantastic idea Smooze! Yes we’ll take twenty bloopblorps for Fluttershy and myself.”
The waiter waited with a stern though squiggly expression on its face. It then nodded briefly and slithered off.
“What’s a bloopblorp?” Fluttershy asked.
“Oh it’s just one of those little, you know- wait!” Discord picked up his menu. “They’ve brought back smuugleblurps? Waiter!” Discord waved his claw but the ooze was already gone. “Oh phooey. Smuugleblurps were the best. Smooze and I used to share them in their super-sized combo meal deluxe before they were discontinued.”
“You've been here before?” Fluttershy looked around the restaurant. The place had a soothingly murky atmosphere. Tables and booths were filled with all manner of oozes: big and small, purple and yellow, runny and firm. All different consistencies of oozes dining, chatting, and oozing after a hard day’s work. Many waiter oozes were slithering platters back and forth to try to keep up with their attendance that night. Fluttershy noticed Tree Hugger getting lost in the walls which seemed to endlessly flow downward as if they were melting indefinitely. “I never knew there existed such a fancy ooze restaurant in… wherever you brought us.”
“Oh any ooze who’s any ooze knows about this place,” Discord said proudly. “I used to come here all the time. Back when Smooze was here working kitchen duty, this place was quite the adolescent hotspot.” He started chuckling. “Hey Smooze. Do you remember that time when your cousin Smorrze came in that one day,” he strained to hold in his laughter, “and ordered an Ublersplot with his Hamlespoot!”
Smooze jiggled with joy.
Tree Hugger cracked an easy smile. “You two really synergized back when you were saplings.”
Discord furrowed his brow. “Well yes, I suppose you could say we were hip back then.” He glanced across the table. “That’s what you were saying right?” He cleared his throat and continued. “Either way I could always tell if Smooze here was working the kitchens or not. He had a way of sneaking his own secret ingredients into the smooze burgers. In fact, customers loved Smooze’s smooze burgers so much that this place adapted his secret ingredients into their recipe. I suppose that’s why they’re smooze burgers after all.”
Fluttershy observed a pair of the oozes who were dressed up in gown and tie, as best as oozes could she supposed, clinging tall glasses and having delightful discourse. “This place seems awfully dignified to serve food like hayburgers. Smooze burgers are like hayburgers right?”
Discord leaned on his paw and sighed. “Well I’ll admit I’m slightly unsettled by the changes that have occurred here in the past few eons. This place was the place to hang. Regardless I must commend Smoozlegrande. He really upgraded this shindig into the premier fine dining and jewelry establishment.” Discord took a sip of his water of glass. “I told him he was crazy for trying it. And I said you were crazy too Smooze. You actually thought he could do it. Now look who’s the fool,” Discord said pointing at himself in blissful disbelief.
“I can really connect to a gathering place like this,” Tree Hugger said gazing up towards the ceiling. “The moist air totally rejuvenates my soul. You can just hear the water flow.”
Discord listened, though all he could hear was the squishing and squeaking of ooze around him. “Uh-huh,” he said with a raised eyebrow.
“This reminds me of that time I went through my personal aurora petal garden on the fifth moon cycle during the second sprouting season. I went there to have an awakening like I do each morning while I gather the petals to transition into the seasoning I use to enlighten my aqua herbal tea. If you haven’t tried any I’d recommend it to rhythm of ocean waves. It just brings you to your center.”
“What realm are you from?” Discord asked.
“Same as you Disc-dude.”
“How could that be? You don’t even know where I’m-” he paused and scratched his chin. “That actually makes sense.”
“Anyway,” Tree Hugger continued, “there was like this vampiric jackrabbit guy, that just like, came out of the ether.”
“Oh no,” Fluttershy gasped.
“I like where this is going.” Discord leaned back and turned towards Fluttershy. “I take it these particular jackrabbits are,” Discord paused a moment, “dangerous?”
“Vampiric jackrabbits are very dangerous,” Fluttershy said, a hoof to her mouth. “They sneak around, lurking in the bushes for some hapless victim to show up. Then they lurch from the shadows, bite into you, and scamper away. All without saying hello.”
“Oh my, that does sound dangerous,” Discord grew excited. ”What are the side effects if one was to get bitten?”
“Well I suppose a vampiric jackrabbit bite only tickles slightly,” Fluttershy reconsidered. “But it leaves you itching for a week and it’s quite rude,” she crossed her forelegs at the thought of such insensitive behavior.
“Ya,” Tree Hugger nodded. “They like, bite into your soul.”
Discord shrugged “I was hoping for something more exciting than that, but I guess it’ll do. So did it bite you? Scratch you? Take your place in line? Make you… you?”
“Naw” Tree Hugger waved her hoof. “He was just so chill. He’d been looking for an environment to release his negative energies and embrace nature’s gift. Since meeting him that day he’s been hanging with me every week on cleansing Tuesdays.”
“Wow. That’s incredible,” Fluttershy said enamored.
Discord rolled his left eye around his right eye. “Yeah incredible,” he slouched. “But you know what’s more incredible? Our smoozgasbord is here!”
The brown ooze waiter had reached their table with four brass platters slightly imbedded in it. Each one was extended out and plopped in front of everyone at the table. “BLURP,” The waiter nodded as it suctioned off the lids to their dishes.
In front of Tree Hugger was a large green ooze salad with radishes and silvery mini chains strewn across in the pattern of a blob. Fluttershy looked curiously at her plate which had ten small circular golden cases tied together with golden beads mixed with incandescent slime. Discord and Smooze had the same.
“Oh you don’t know how good this looks,” Discord said excitedly rubbing his hands together. “Could you get us a few extra slime packets.”
“What are these?” Fluttershy asked.
“What? You mean to tell me you’ve never had golden roasted antique pocket watches before?” Discord cracked one open. “Ooh, 3:37. My favorite.” He popped it in his mouth.
“Can’t say I have,” Fluttershy giggled nervously. “Have you Tree Hugger?”
Tree Hugger was peering into her salad attentively. She addressed the waiter with her dazed smile. “This is groovy and all, but I ordered a sample to see if it conjured the right patterns for me. And I know this is a bummer, but I’m just not feeling it. Could you like, take this back and bring me a sample of your butternut squooze?”
Part of the waiter’s ooze folded on itself above its mouth as if to raise an eyebrow. It stood there gazing at them. The others looked at each other not sure who was supposed to say something. Their waiter continued congealing there for a minute, then it sloshed away shaking its head and blurbling.
Tree Hugger looked down at her dish. “He forgot to take my salad back. I don’t know if he heard me.”
Discord shrugged. “This place never had good service,” he took another bite. Smooze nodded, licking its lips as it munched.
“Poor ooze dude,” Tree Hugger shuck her head. “He’s being held prisoner by some serious negative karmic vibes right now.”
Fluttershy delicately poked her antique watches. The Smooze was leaning over towards her plate. Its meal was already gone. So was its plate for that matter. “Here Smooze,” Fluttershy pushed hers towards it. “You can have mine.”
“Now now now Smooze,” Discord interrupted as a brick wall appeared between it and Fluttershy’s plate. “You know what too many of those things do to you.”
The Smooze puckered its lips.
“You need to watch that figure of yours mister. I’m not the only one who’s noticed you’ve gotten a bit blubbier as of late.”
The Smooze flipped around and crossed flabs of its ooze in a pouty retort.
“Come off it man,” Tree Hugger said ever bliss. “Let the ooze hang loose. It’s tight.”
“It’s not tight, it’s loose.” Discord wiggled some of Smooze’s ooze which jiggled a few seconds before settling down. “See? Loose.”
The Smooze shuck its head back and forth whilst making gurgling noises.
“My fault?” Discord was shocked. “You can’t blame me for the gala thing. How was I supposed to know there were copious amounts of treasure in that unlocked closet?” Discord held his head up in disgust. Then he pondered, “Or maybe it was a locked closet. I can never tell.”
Their waiter had slithered back with a squiggled grimace across its face. “BLURBLE,” It said as it tossed some slime packets onto their table.
“Hey,” Discord smiled, “Their service is better than I remember it.” Then something struck him. “Oh Waiter!” But it was already gone. “Darn. I forgot to order that round of smuugleblurps. You’d love them Tree Hugs. They’re positively full of auras and stuff,” he said waving his hands around jeeringly.
“Groovy.”
“Wouldn’t you agree Smooze?” Discord waited for a response. “Smooze?” The Smooze still had its back turned towards him. “Oh what is it? You’re not still upset about the blubbier thing are you?”
The Smooze turned around to reveal a quivering mouth and a delicate droplet of ooze dripping down its side, then turned away.
“Discord,” Fluttershy chimed in, “I think you owe Smooze an apology.”
“Oh joy,” Discord grumbled. “What did I do this time?”
“I know you didn’t mean any harm, but it’s clear you hurt Smooze’s feelings bring up his, um, blub.”
“But but.”
“Discord.”
Discord groaned, “Fine!” He took a deep breath. “Smooze I’m… well… you know. I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“And?”
Discord didn’t know what else to say. “Friendship is magic?”
Fluttershy cracked a smile. “Yes, but what are you sorry for?”
“Bringing up his blub?”
“Now put it together.”
“I’m sorry for bringing up your blub Smooze.”
The Smooze whipped around radiating with his goofy smile.
A paper fan began fanning Discord as he began panting. “How do you do this Friendship thing without even breaking a sweat Pinkie Pie?”
“Pinkie Pie?” Fluttershy said confused.
“Oops it’s just that Pinkie and her rock are behind you. Hello there!” Discord waved.
“Hey everyone!” Pinkie’s high-pitched voice sang. “How’s it going?”
Fluttershy turned around and sure enough Pinkie and her sister Maud were just sitting down one table over. “Pinkie Pie! You know of this place?”
“Are you kidding? When Maud’s in town we come here every weekend we can for their ooze ‘til you lose, all you can eat, half-off special spectacular!”
Smooze began licking its lips.
“I more prefer their smooze rocks,” Maud said monotone as ever.
“Ooh we definitely have to get their smooze rocks!” Pinkie grew more excited every moment.
Fluttershy giggled as Pinkie listed off all of the dishes she was excited to try. “What are the odds we’d bump into each other at the same restaurant.”
Discord stoked his beard considering the coincidence. “Well well well Fluttershy,” he smirked. “I see what’s going on here.”
“Huh?”
“I didn’t know you’d be testing me?”
“Testing you?”
“Oh don’t play dumb with me,” Discord joked. “You wanted to test if I learned my lesson at the gala with the whole multiple friends thing so you invited Pinkie Pie and her sister along with Rainbow Dash and Rarity to see if I could really handle it.”
“I didn’t set up a test. Pinkie said she and Maud come here every weekend they can and,” Fluttershy sat up and looked around the restaurant which had emptied a bit at this point, “Rarity and Rainbow Dash aren’t even here.”
“Really? I could have sworn those oozes back there looked just like them.”
“I can totally sense their spirits here,” Tree Hugger said gazing aimlessly.
“Heh heh,” Discord scorned. “No you can’t.”
“Hey Discord!” Pinkie Pie waved from the table over. “Would you recommend starting with the Ublersplot or the Smlurmageddon? Or should I start with the Hamlespoot?”
Discord began hyperventilating. It was more friends than he could handle. Discord took a bellows and pumped a big breath of air into himself to try to calm down. “Start with the Ublersplot and once your half way through, mold it into the Smlurmageddon until it’s shaped like a miniature thirty-foot donut. And don’t order the Hamlespoot. I can tell Greg’s in the kitchen and he makes a terrible Hamlespoot.”
“Do you mold it with or without the fluent crest motion?”
“That’s with the fluent crest motion. Oh and don’t forget a pinch of salt prior to molding!” Discord fell backward, “Phew. I don’t think I can handle this many friends. I’m about to burst!”
“You might have overdone it with the bellows,” Fluttershy noted.
“How do you do it Fluttershy? I mean one friend is hard enough. How can you handle hundreds?”
Fluttershy giggled. “Well you can start with realizing there are only five friends here.”
“I can’t count under this kind of pressure!”
“Discord, it was very kind and bold of you to invite the three of us on this dinner date, but I would never expect you to handle so many friends so soon. It takes time to adjust to having multiple friends. Better to take it at your own pace.” Fluttershy looked down at her roasted pocket watches which were starting to cool off. “And speaking of time, I ought to head home soon to have a dinner I can eat. That is if no one minds if we cut tonight’s dinner short.“
“Your right Fluttershy,” Discord admitted. “It would be best to call it a night. It’s been fun but I’m falling apart over here.”
“I can’t imagine what you're like put together,” Maud butted in. Pinkie cracked up laughing as the brown ooze waiter dropped a massive platter on their table.
“BLURRKP!” It sped off again.
“Is that alright with you Treezie?” Fluttershy asked.
“Smooze rocks sound so righteous right now,” Tree Hugger replied gazing at Pinkie’s massive ooze platter.
“Treezie?”
“No biggie. Go where the flow takes you. I’ll chill here for a skosh longer.”
“If you’re sure,” Fluttershy turned towards the Smooze. “I really enjoyed tonight, I’m sorry we didn’t get much time to chat.” The Smooze gave Fluttershy a slimy wet kiss on the cheek. “Aww, thank you Smooze. I hope to see you again soon.”
“What about me?” Discord asked nervously. “You hope to see me soon too right?”
“Of course Discord. Tuesday teas?”
“Tuesday teas,” Discord smiled as they headed towards the exit.
Tree Hugger stood up and shifted over towards the Pie sister’s table. “I’ve never seen somepony mold ooze like that before. What enlightened you to do it like that?”
“What?” Pinkie asked, “The fluent crest motion? It’s only the most radical way to mix-” she gasped. “Hey!" Pinkie stomped her hoof on the table. "Who’s idea was it to put oatmeal in the smooze burgers!?”
