I'm really tired, you know?
Just...Wow. There's been a lot going on, recently. For me at least. I mean, yesterday was my fifth year anniversary for being in the Wonderbolts. First anniversary as captain, too.
Pinkie threw a really big party. It was nice, I guess. It distracted me for awhile, at least two hours. But then it just got...I don't know, same-y? Boring? Old. It just got old, just like everything else.
Don't get me wrong, my life isn't...Bad, per se. I have everything I've ever wanted. Big house, good friends, best job in the world - and I'm grateful, I really am, just...
What am I doing? I have this amazing life, I've done these amazing things...I've saved the world countless times, and now I'm just....Here. On top of this building, staring out at the world that was once so new, so exiting, so magical - but now it's just...Old. Boring. Everything is, nowadays.
I don't really like the idea of never seeing my friends again, but I don't really like the idea of them seeing me waste away, grow even more tired than I already am...Applejack noticed just last week, mentioned how she misses my spark. I really don't want to see when Fluttershy notices. Gosh, she'll be so worried...
I guess I just want to quit while I'm ahead, is all. Why go on any longer? I've hit all my goals, reached my highest peaks - I've flown as high as I possibly can. I just...Oh, who am i kidding. I wish I could say that this was selfless, that I just don't want everypony else to get upset about me.
i know that this is selfish. I know that this will be more upsetting than watching me grow grey and tired.
But, honestly?
I'm selfish.
I just don't care anymore.
I can't, just can't deal with this anymore. The sinking feeling I get every morning when I wake up in the same bed, the same place, the same time - knowing that I have a plain, boring day waiting for me on the other side of my bedroom door.
...I've been sleeping a lot more often lately. It's like being dead, but without the commitment.
Heh...Bet Pinkie would have loved to hear that one.
...Oh.
That's first time I've said it.
'Dead'.
I'm...going to be dead soon.
The thought doesn't scare me as much as it should. It's..comforting. Freeing. Like thinking, 'Oh! I can take a nap today, and there's nopony that's going to tell me when to wake up!"
Yeah...Just like that. I smile, as I walk a few steps closer to the edge.
A few more.
My hooves are on the ledge, and I'm looking down.
Just one step, and I'll be falling.
...
Do I really want this, though...?
To never see my friends again?
I stand there awhile, thinking. Debating, I guess is the right word. I'm so tired. I've spent all day at home, yet my limbs ache with the weight of holding me up. Would it be cliche to say I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders?
Heh...I guess we all get a little bit sappy, when we're thinking about committing...Gah, I can't say it. You know what I mean.
I spread my wings and feel the breeze between the feathers. The breeze feels like home, more than this big empty house ever has. I could fly off, I think to myself. I could fly off and leave everypony behind, go on some wild adventure - I fly straight into tarterus without looking back. Or I could just...Fly. Fly until I land somewhere that I don't know, and then keep flying.
...Somehow, falling sounds a lot better than flying right now.
Not that I've ever gotten board with flying - It is and always has been my one and only true love. But I think it might be time to let even that go. I shut my wings, lifting one hoof.
Should I turn back?
Should I go get help, cry to my friends, get some counseling, find new goals?
...I don't think that would make me very happy. After all, I said that I'm being selfish tonight, so maybe I just need to look at what makes me happy...
Just one step.
And then, suddenly, I'm falling.
...
I haven't felt the sensation of falling quite like this in such a long, long time. Back when I got my cutie mark, I fell from about this height.
The thought makes me nostalgic.
I miss those days, so load and full of life - I had so many dreams, so many goals, so many ends to meet.
Now that I've lived all of it, seen all of it roll on past me - I just feel empty.
Tired, that's how i feel.
...Tired.
Falling towards the sleep I so desperately need, I feel relived. I made the right choice.
I expected, at this point, for some panic to set in. For my wings to instinctively open, carry me away to safety.
My body stays relaxed - It wants this too.
I open my wings just barely. I don't want to fly, or slow my fall - I just want to feel the wind between my feathers, one last time. It feels lovely, welcoming even.
I crack open one eye, staring forward at the stars. Its truly a beautiful night - the moon is bright, the stars are clear, and there's not a cloud to be seen. I'm glad that this is the last thing I'll see.
I pull my forelegs in, pressing my hind legs back as my body enters a diving pose that it's very used to doing.
It's more relaxed than usual, though. I think for a moment about speeding up, doing a sonic rainboom and ending with a bang, but - It doesn't seem fitting.
Not for tonight.
Maybe if I was more angry, more sad, less tired - if I was mad at the world for letting me get into this position, if I felt used or abandoned, I'd go out with a bang like that - One final lesson to world not to mess with Rainbow Dash.
But I'm not.
All I feel right now is just...Tired. Relaxed.
And, I'll admit it - relived. I'm even a little bit happy, seeing the ground growing ever closer - It'll all be over soon.
I had a good run, you know? I wouldn't change a damn thing.
Well, maybe I'd change this - I never really wanted to get this tired, get to this point. But I can't change anything, and I'm at this point.
I can see all the details of the ground now. I can taste the freedom, feel it seeping into my skin through every pore. I spread my wings a little bit more, relieved to know that just about nothing could stop me at this point.
The sun peaks it's way over the horizon, painting the sky a rainbow of reds, oranges, blues, and twinkling white lights. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
I smile, and close my eyes.
This is it.
I'm ready to finally - finally, after all this time - face my next grand adventure.
~*~
Author's Note
Ignore me, this is a vent fic. Wrote it in one sitting.
Depression sucks.
So does trying to keep using present tense.
(Sorry if it's out of character. This is supposed to be an older RD, with a pretty bad case of depression.)
