Rebirth

by RattPitt

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Romance
Length: 72069

The human Mark Cleveland is killed in an accident and is sent to the land of Equestria. Here, he must get used to his new life and land.

Link to why Rebirth is cancelled

Spoilers are in the comments. I encourage them.

After the human Mark Cleveland is killed in an accident, he is sent to the land of Equestria with the help of an ancient deity. In this new land, he discovers that humans have been viewed as mythical creatures, much like how he viewed unicorns, pegasi, and many other species living in Equestria to be.

The AU tag means some events from Season 5 and onward are altered slightly. The cutie mark map from The Cutie Map isn't part of this story, so the events of The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone, Made in Manehattan, and The Cutie Remark don't happen, and the events of some other episodes are altered.

Rated M for language, violence, romance, and drug use.

Published 2015-06-10 19:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-18 00:19:07 UTC

2: Starstruck

When I wake up, I feel terribly nauseous, like I’m about to throw up. My head is spinning like I just got drunk or fought a boxer. Knowing me, either is likely. I rub my head and sit up slowly. Despite my careful speed, a second wave of nausea hits me. It leaves just as fast as it had arrived.

The room I’m in is unfamiliar at first. The memory of what happened comes to my mind. I'm in that pony's home. What was her name again? Fluttershy? Yeah, that's it.

I want to blame my nausea on Epona. She’s likely the cause. I can’t think of any other source of nausea. Maybe something got to me in the forest. Who know what kinds of shit happens in those places?

Since there's this much nausea, I'll probably throw up once I move off the sofa. Well, why bother waiting? Fluttershy did show me the location of the bathroom during that quick tour yesterday. Unfortunately, the bathroom’s up the stairs.

I quickly get off the sofa and sprint up the stairs. My stomach feels like I just got off a rollercoaster in the middle of an earthquake. I manage to keep that sickening bile down my throat until I get inside the bathroom. I let it loose inside the toilet. Or, at least what I assume the toilet is. There’s just a dug out hole in the ground with a button next to it. After I release my stomach contents, I push the button.

My guess was correct. It’s a toilet. It flushes and I sit back up. Throwing up itself is painful, but the moments after feel better. At least they do if the burning feeling in the throat’s ignored. I feel a lot better than I did when I woke up, at least.

I look down at my chest and see that some of the vomit managed to get on my shirt. Damn. This is one of my favorites, too. Dream Theater shirts are surprisingly hard to find in Seattle. I don’t expect it to be much easier here in another fucking world. I take off my shirt. Fluttershy's bathroom is a colder than the average room. I wish I had an undershirt with me. I guess I’ll just have to expose my incredibly sexy semi-muscular figure to everybody. I toss the vomit covered shirt into what has to be a nearby laundry basket. It had a pile of clothes in it, so I just assume it was for dirty clothes.

I stand back up and walk out of the room. My stomach growls, likely due to its inhabitants being forcibly kicked out. The obvious solution is to do find Fluttershy's refrigerator. I walk down the stairs and into the kitchen. She doesn't have one, but there's a note on her couch. I read it.

Mark,
I went out to get some medicine for your headache. I might be out for about an hour or two. There’s some food in the refrigerator if you get hungry. Feel free to take anything you want. I’m sorry if there isn’t something you want in there.
Fluttershy

I smile at her note. She’s nicer than most people I knew back on earth, and I haven’t even known her for a day.

Just after finishing the note, I hear a knock at the door. “Hey Fluttershy! You home? I’ve got some cool stuff to show you!” A voice comes from the other side. I turn to the sound that ruined my chance to get food. The door opens to reveal a cyan pegasus with a rainbow colored mane and tail. The pegasus notices me and stops her flight in what I assume to be shock. After a second, the pegasus flinches.

“Uh… Hi.” I say with a faint wave of my hand. “Fluttershy’s not home right now.” The pegasus looks up and down at me. If she was a human, I’d think she was admiring the many muscles that I don’t have.

“What are you?” She asks after some time. Unlike Fluttershy, this pegasus seems to be more curious rather than scared. I do sense some fear, though, likely due to me being about twice the mare’s size. I think mare’s the word for female horses. That’s something I need to learn.

Like I did with Fluttershy’s question, I don’t like how the pegasus worded her sentence. I’m expecting to hear that question more often. “I’m human. My name is Mark Cleveland.”

The pegasus is visibly excited at that. Her eyes widening is just one of the many signs. “Whoa! A human? I never thought they existed!” She nearly shouts. Her voice cracks a bit, which puts a smile on my face. “I never thought I’d be able to meet one! I’ve read so much about you!”

“You don’t exactly seem like a reader.” I say out loud on accident. I force myself from putting a hand over my mouth.

The pegasus blushes faintly at that. “Yeah… I just got into reading recently.” She rubs her head and looks at the ground. “I never told you my name! I’m sorry. I’m Rainbow Dash.” She holds out her hoof.

I look at her hoof for an uncomfortably long time. What am I supposed to do? I shake her hoof after quickly deciding. She looks at me strangely. I guess shaking her hoof was the wrong idea. Maybe a fist bump would've been the right move. It makes sense.

Now that I think about it, I think I’ve heard this pegasus’ name somewhere before. Damn. This is going to bother me. “You have a cool name. I assume I’ll see the Dash part of it coming up later?”

Rainbow Dash puts a toothy grin on her face. “Definitely. I’m the fastest flyer in Equestria!” Her enthusiasm puts a smile on my face. I guess Equestria is the country I'm in, if no the world. If she really is the fastest flyer in the world, I’d pay to see that.

“I hope you’ve got proof of that. I’d like to see you fly sometime.” I say with a smile.

“Why not now?” She says and bolts out the door. A rainbow trail follows her. She’s apparently fast enough to do that. I follow her, but not nearly fast enough to stay on her tail. It’s probably a good thing that I’m slower than her. I don't want to throw up again. Rainbow Dash speeds across Fluttershy’s lawn and into the sky. She has a steep takeoff. I lose track of her in the sky within ten seconds.

I search for her in the sky. Where the hell did she go? A loud sound, like an explosion, bounces off the nearby trees. A massive circle with a rainbow pattern erupts in the middle of the sky. A rainbow moves out of the circular rainbow and shoots across the sky. It makes a sudden 90 degree turn towards me. I don’t even get a chance to instinctively raise my arms before it strikes the ground in front of me.

Rainbow Dash appears at my feet. With just a glance at her face, I can tell she’s excited. “Woo! Yeah! I haven’t done a Sonic Rainboom in a while!” She celebrates her personal victory.

“Damn.” I say. “You’re telling me you did that? I’ve never seen anything like that in my life!”

Rainbow Dash gives me a wide toothy grin. If I was in her shoes (or is it hooves?), I would be smiling too. She laughs and punches her hooves like she's in a boxing match. I wouldn't be surprised if this pony was in a few fights. She calms down a bit and looks back at me. "So, are you new in town?"

I nod. "Yeah. I haven't even been here for a day yet."

"And you've already spent the night with Fluttershy." Rainbow Dash chuckles. "I know she's nice, but she's already got a stallionfriend. I mean, a... what am I even supposed to call you?"

My face starts to heat up. I hold my hands up in a defensive manner. "Whoa, Dashie, we're not-"

Rainbow Dash interrupts me with a laugh and a wave of the hoof. "I know. She's got 'shy' in her name for a reason. Also, don't call me Dashie." I'm not sure if it's the lighting or something else, but it looks like she's about to attack me.

Just to be safe, I keep my hands in the air. "Sorry. Don't like nicknames?"

"Not that one. It can only come from Pinkie." She sighs and blows a stray hair out of her face. My hands return to my sides. "Speaking of which, since you're new, I should show you to her."

“Let me write a note to Fluttershy first.” I say to Rainbow Dash. Fortunately, I still have my pen with me. Rainbow Dash notices the pen and asks what it is. I describe it and she mentions that they have those old fashioned quills. I grab a piece of paper from Fluttershy’s fridge and prepare the note.

Fluttershy
I met Rainbow Dash. Going to meet Pinkie Pie. I'll be back in a bit. See you soon.
Mark

Rainbow flies off towards where I assume Ponyville to be. I follow her there.

We arrive to the town after some time. There's other ponies in the town. All of them stare at me like I'm in a freak show. I don't blame them. I'd be surprised if I saw somebody walking a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail. I mean, if it was back on earth. They would be looking at Rainbow. I’m saying that--Ah, whatever.

We bump into a pony. The first thing I notice about this one is the color of the coat, which is easily just as pink as Pepto Bismol. Her puffy mane is a darker shade. Before we even get a chance to say hi to her, she runs off. Knowing my size (I’m about twice as tall as the pony that ran off, along with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy), I probably scared her off.

Rainbow Dash looks at me. “Expect a party for you later today.” She says with a toothy grin. I guess I didn’t scare the pony off, then.

3: Party Hard

The rainbow hued pegasus gives me a very quick tour of Ponyville before the party. It’s kind of hard to concentrate, though. I’m still trying to get used to the fact that I’m now living in a world of talking colorful magical flying horses. It’s a bit of a culture shock, if you ask me. Actually, it’s not that different from Seattle. Just replace the people with horses and add in some magic. Some of the people in Fremont are… memorable, for lack of a better word.

The building that stands out the most would have to be the giant building that looks like a castle on top of a crystal tree trunk. “Damn.” I say out loud.

Rainbow Dash shrugs. “You’ll get used to it. There’s weirder and cooler buildings than this.”

The crystal tree house kind of reminds me of the Space Needle in a way. “There’s weirder and cooler buildings where I come from.” I say. The memory of my death flashes in my mind and I briefly lose my balance.

Rainbow notices. “Y’okay?”

“I’m fine.” I say. I can tell she doesn’t believe me, but she doesn’t say anything about it. “So, what’s next?” I ask.

She smiles. “Let’s go to Sugarcube Corner. I think we gave Pinkie enough time.”

“Who? And enough time for what?”

“You’ll see.” She replies. I ask for more information. She refuses to give me any.

I follow my guide to a large building that looks like a giant gingerbread house. So that’s what Rainbow Dash meant by weider buildings. We walk in the building.

The next thing to happen nearly gives me a heart attack. The massive group of ponies shouting “SURPRISE” would do the same to any sane person.

I instinctively reach for my knife. Since I put it in a different pocket than usual, I can’t use it. That’s a good thing. I don’t want to be known as someone that killed a pony on their first day in a new world. That would be bad.

Fortunately, nobody seems to notice or care. The Pepto Bismol pony I saw before walks up to me with a smile. She’s got a party hat on her head and one a party horn in her mouth. She blows the horn and somehow manages to say “Hi” through it. She takes the horn out and says “Hi” again.

I’ve only heard this pony say two words and she’s already put a smile on my face. She could easily be in a cartoon. “Hi.” I say. “Is this party for me?”

“Yep! I’m Pinkie Pie!” Her words are fast enough to put DragonForce to shame. “I throw aaaaall the parties in town! Not when Cheese Sandwich is around, though. Parties for every occasion! Holidays! Birthdays! Weddings! New ponies or whatever you are!” That last sentence kind of hurt. I guess it’s inevitable hearing stuff like that. I’ll have to get used to it, in that case. She senses my discomfort and puts on a pouty face. With her coat color, it’s a pretty cute face. “Did I say something bad?”

“Don’t worry about it, Pinkie.” I say, dismissing the subject with a wave of my hand. Pinkie stares at it. “I’m a human. Humans don’t have hooves. My name is Mark Cleveland.”

Pinkie drops her pout. “Ooooh… I know somepony who’d love to meet you! I think she’s at the party.”

“You sure about that, Pinkie?” Rainbow Dash asks. To be honest, I forgot she was there for a second. “I mean, if we’re talking about the same mare.”

Pinkie nods so fast that I think her head’s going to fly off. “Yep! She’ll love you, Mark.”

I follow Pinkie. I’m treated with some looks of either fear, confusion, or disgust. I’d rather be ignored, but it’s difficult to ignore something twice the size of you.

She leads me to a light green mare with green and white hair and a horn on her head talking to a beige mare with dark blue and pink hair. This one doesn’t have a horn or pair of wings, like Pinkie. “Lyyyyyraaaaa!” Pinkie says in a sing-song voice. The green pony turns around. I take it her name is Lyra? She stares at me in awe for a second. Then she faints. Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, the other mare, and I look at Lyra.

“Yo, Lyra.” I say after a second. “Y’alright?”

“She’ll be fine.” The mare I haven’t officially met yet says. “Probably. She’s a huge nerd for humans. You’re not exactly common around here. She’s actually practiced meeting humans before…”

“If I had to guess, you have too.”

She shrugs. “It’s like talking to just another pony.”

“Thanks.”

Before we can keep talking, we’re interrupted by a purple unicorn. No, alicorn. I notice her pair of wings. Whoever this is, she reminds me of Epona. The pony looks up at me. “So you’re the stallion I’ve been hearing so much about today.” She smiles. “My name is Twilight Sparkle. Element of Magic and Princess of Friendship.” This little pony doesn’t exactly strike me as royalty. Aren’t princesses supposed to live in castles only in large cities? Unless this restaurant has hidden guards, I doubt it’s a castle. I have no idea what the ‘Element of Magic’ is supposed to mean. She offers her hoof for me to shake, which I do. I notice that the pony I was just talking to disappeared, along with Lyra.

“I’m Mark Cleveland.” I say.

“Could I ask you a few questions? Since you’re new here, and the only human I’ve seen in my life, I’d like to let the princesses know about you.” She says with a smile.

Princesses? Plural? So there’s at least two other princesses in this country. As I previously thought, this country isn’t a monarchy. I don’t know what they call countries with two leaders. Diarchy? Biarchy? “Yeah, I’ll answer your questions.”

“Thank you, Mark Cleveland.”

“Mark is fine.” I say. I’ve never liked people, or in this case ponies, saying both of my names. For some reason, when Epona did it, I wasn’t bothered.

Twilight nods. “Could you follow me into a different room?” She asks.

“Yeah, sure.” I just hope she doesn’t try to murder me. I’ve seen enough movies to know that’s a possibility. Though her title of ‘Princess of Friendship’ kind of implies that I’ll survive this encounter.

I follow Twilight into another room. "It's just quieter in here." She says. "Not that there's anything wrong with noise. It's just easier for interviewing."

"That's true." I say. "Do you work for a newspaper or something?"

The alicorn shakes her head. "No. I'm a librarian, actually. I'm also the Element of Magic and Princess of Friendship, as I’ve said before." She quickly describes what those are. I didn't expect Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie to also be Elements. Partially because I had no idea what an Element of Harmony was until a minute ago.

"Didn't you have some questions for me?" I ask before she goes off on that subject. I've known enough people like that for one lifetime. And since I’m apparently in a new life…

Twilight blushes a bit. "Oh, right. Sorry about that. I'm like that sometimes. Why are you shaking so much?"

I didn’t notice that I was. "Before I got here, I was taking antidepressants. I guess my body got addicted to them. I'm probably going through a withdrawal. I’ve got a bit of a headache, too." I explain. I don’t mention the nausea I had this morning.

"There might be something to help with that at the pharmacy." She says, then starts to ask me a few questions about my past life. The first one being where I’m from.

"Well, I'm not actually from here. Not from Equestria, I mean. I'm from a different planet, I think, called Earth." I start to explain. Twilight hesitates to write that down, but quickly does. I stop to let her get caught up.

"That's what I thought... I didn't think I would be right, though. That you’re not from this planet, I mean. I’ve never seen or heard of anypony on this planet seeing a human." Twilight smiles. I'm not sure if it's because she was right or something else.

“You don’t seem shocked that I’m an alien.”

She shrugs. “I’ve seen some things similar to you, Mark. Besides, I’ve read enough to know a bit about humans. I always thought they were mythical, though. I guess I was wrong...” She sighs and looks at the ceiling. After a second, she looks back at me. “Can you tell me a bit more about your home? Before coming here, I mean.”

“I’m from a place called Seattle. It’s a large city in the state of Washington. Country is United States of America.” I start. “I was actually born in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. It’s about 120 miles north of Seattle. I moved to Seattle when I was 4 years old.”

Twilight nods and writes that down. She asks me the spelling of some of the words. "Anyway, I have some more questions about your homeworld." She asks questions from many different subjects, ranging from music and other forms of entertainment to religion and politics. I don't talk much about those last two, and she doesn't force anything out of me. We also talk a bit about Earth's technology, but not a lot. It's likely because she doesn't exactly understand. That makes sense, seeing as how I didn’t notice any telephone wires, cell phone towers, or airplanes in the sky.

"Huh... So movies are like paintings, but they move?"

"Hence the term 'movie'. They've also got sound, too. We’ve had movies with sound for almost 100 years. Movies themselves have been around for over 130."

"Wow. So, they're like plays?" She looks amazed.

I shrug. "Some are. Some movies are actually adaptations of plays. Others being adaptations of books or remakes of other movies. There’s also some influenced by things that actually happened or some with original plots." I say. Twilight looks... dizzy? Confused? "We can talk more about this some other time."

Twilight looks at a clock. "Celestia! Wow, it's already been an hour! I'm sorry I took so much time out of the party for you."

I hold up my hand. "No, don't be. It's okay. I'm not much of a partier."

Twilight lets out a sigh of relief. “We should still get you back to the party, as a sign of respect. Pinkie throws amazing parties, too. I’m sure you’ll love it.”

4: Nothing Else Matters

As it turns out, I did enjoy the party Pinkie threw for me. The party was like being in an Andrew W.K. album for a few hours. It lasted around seven hours long. I’ve been to longer parties, but I never remember most of the time I’ve spent. I blame alcohol.

I talked a bit with Rainbow, Pinkie, and Twilight. Pinkie talks fast enough that her mouth could be a member of Dragon Force. Actually, she’s probably a bit faster than them.

During the party, I meet a dark orange pony with no special features, except for the hat. I think they’re called Stetson hats. I’m not an expert on hats, so don’t expect me to know the actual name.

“I take it Pinkie threw this party fer ya?” The mare asks. She has a very noticeable Southern accent.

“Yeah.” I say. “Are you asking because I’m new here or just really sexy?”

She looks at me with an odd expression. “...Because you’re new. I’d have tah guess new tah Equestria.” I nod. “Also, Ah can’t exactly tell if yah’re… attractive or not.”

I give her a smile. “Thanks for being honest.” To be even more honest, I was expecting this pony to blush, at least a little bit.

“Well, Ah am the Element of Honesty.”

“Jesus, how many Elements of Harmony are there?”

“Six.” She says bluntly.

And I’ve met five of them within 24 hours. “Are they all in the same town?”

“Yep.”

That’s probably not the best idea, if you ask me. It’s kind of like having a squad of soldiers close to each other. A single grenade could easily kill them all. What if there’s an attack on Ponyville?

The pony notices. “What’s on yer mind?” I tell her what I was thinking just a second ago. “The Elements of Harmony don’t work when they’re not connected. Twi would know more. Yah’ve met ‘er, right?”

“Yeah. She interviewed me.”

“Ah’m not surprised.” She rolls her eyes.

“Oh, I never introduced myself to you.” I realize out loud.

“Ah already know who yah’re. Mark Cleveland or something, right?”

I nod. “Yeah. How do you know?”

“A mythical creature suddenly appears in town? How could Ah not? All of Ponyville knows and Ah’d bet half of Equestria does, too.” Damn. And I haven’t even been in this world for 24 hours yet. I guess it makes sense. It would be like a dragon coming to Earth. “Ah’m Applejack, by the way.” The mare breaks me from my thoughts. She holds out her hoof.

Learning from my previous experience earlier today, I tap my fist to Applejack’s hoof. She gives me a slight smile. So that’s what I’m supposed to do. I can get used to that pretty fast. I had a few friends back on Earth that seemed to only communicate with fist bumps.

The party ends a few hours later and my stomach feels like it’s about to explode. I quickly get to Fluttershy’s before anything bad happens to my stomach. Fluttershy’s there. We exchange a quick greeting before I go to my bed. I guess I passed out instead of fell asleep, because I don’t see Epona that night. Either that or she won’t always be in my dreams. I’m going to go with the latter.

The next morning feels like a mix of a hangover and terrible drunkenness, but in my stomach instead of my head. The thing is, I didn’t have anything alcoholic. Just a whole bunch of cake, ice cream, and cupcakes. A few apples too. That ‘apple a day keeps the doctor away’ saying is a complete lie, by the way.

Moving around too much will probably make me throw up. Since I’ve already vacated my stomach once in the past 24 hours, I don’t want it to happen again for a while. In fact, I would be perfectly fine if I never threw up again.

To keep the food where I want it to be, I leave the house a bit after noon and sit at the base of a tree near Fluttershy’s house. Like I expected, my stomach settles a bit.

I breathe in the cold morning air. It’s normally colder in Seattle. I actually planned on moving to a warmer area with less rain, like Los Angeles. I guess Epona already handled that for me. I’m not sure how often it rains in Equestria, though. Time will tell.

“Hey, Mark.” A familiar voice says, waking me from my trance. I look to see the source. It was the blue pegasus. What was her name? Monochrome Stop? No, Rainbow Dash. “What’re you doing?”

I pause the music and stretch. “Just soaking up the beauty of this place." By then, my stomach’s already calmed down.

Rainbow Dash smiles and lands. "Yeah, Ponyville's a pretty cool town. Not as cool as Cloudsdale, though. What you you think of Ponyville so far?"

I shrug. "Everything is just so… Different. It’ll take time to get used to all of this.” I sigh. “I mean, it’s all nice. I like it all. Everybody is just so nice. I’m not used to it.”

Rainbow Dash nods with a sigh. “I think I understand. Were there a lot of bullies where you were from?”

I rub my chin and feel some fresh stubble. I need to shave. Do they even have razors in Equestria? I force myself to take my mind back to Rainbow Dash’s question. “Not exactly. I guess I worded that wrong. There were some bullies, but most people in my area were nice.” I start to feel a little drowsy and stretch my arms out.

The pegasus nods. “Yeah, I get you.” She inspects my face for an uncomfortably long time. “What do you have in your ears?”

I take my headphones out. “Oh, sorry. I forgot these were in. These are called headphones. They let music be played directly into the ears rather than for everybody to hear.”

She turns her head slightly, like a confused dog. “Wouldn’t that hurt, though?”

I shake my head with a bit of a smile. “Not always. I guess it depends on how loud the music is. I like to play my music kind of loud compared to other humans. Mostly because my hearing is sort of weak and because of the genres I like.”

Rainbow Dash sits next to me. She rests her leg on my knee. If she were a human, I would push her away. Since she’s not, and isn’t too uncomfortable, I let her stay. “What do you like?"

“A lot. Why don’t I let you hear for yourself?” I offer her the headphones and she takes them. She puts them in her ears, which sort of amazes me. Even though I just witnessed it, I still have no idea how she did it. How do ponies do so much without fingers? The thought leaves as quick as it entered. I show her how to use my iPod.

After each song we listen to, she asks me what they’re called. She visibly enjoys most, especially the ones with faster tempos. When I play Rainbow in the Dark by Dio, she smiles, likely due to the title.

“Thanks, Mark. I’ll have to listen to some of that again.” Rainbow Dash says with a smile. “I need to go now.” She gets off my leg and stands up.

I stand up and briefly lose my balance due to my leg being asleep. I stay standing up, though. “If you want to, you can borrow it for a while.”

Rainbow Dash’s smile grows. I can tell she’s trying to hide it. Once she realizes that I notice, a faint blush shows up on her face. “Really?” I nod. The pegasus hugs me and takes the iPod. “Thanks! I owe you one.”

“No need. Anything for a friend.” I say. She hugs me again. This time I manage to hug her as well, but only get to wrap my arms partially around her head. Rainbow Dash flies off. “Oh, the song names are on the screen!” I shout in hopes of her to hear. The pegasus doesn’t seem to hear. I sigh and sit back against the tree.

My eyes begin to close as I relax my body. I listen to the ambient sounds of Ponyville replacing (hopefully only temporarily) my iPod. The same sounds I heard when I first arrived. Unlike before, it was relaxing this time. If the silence was always like this, I could get used to it.

I stay there for a few more hours until I get unbearably bored. It must have been a few hours, because it’s already dark. I probably fell asleep.

I walk towards Fluttershy's house. I know she won't be awake at this time, but it’s really the only place I could sleep without feeling creepy.

I slowly open the door. Fluttershy is in the living room. It’s as if she’s a parent and I’m a teenager that snuck out at night. Well, it would be, except the pegasus is asleep. She has a book on the table. Since it’s open, I can't see the title.

I smile at the sight and pull a blanket over the mare. She shifts her body but remains asleep. I notice her mouth is moving a little bit. I know a bit about reading lips, but I have no idea what she’s saying. Besides, I don’t have any idea if mouths move the same way on ponies as they do on humans.

The thought of it bothers me enough to keep me up for half an hour until I fall asleep. I never bothered to notice the mouth movements of the other ponies. I remind myself to keep my eyes open for that sort of stuff.

Eventually, I fall asleep.

That night, I dream of my old home in Seattle. Everything from the city comes to mind. My weekly visits to Pike’s Place. Dana and her girlfriend. My fatal car crash.

I hate that memory already, and it hasn’t even been with me for half a week. I wish it never happened. I’m just glad my death wasn’t too painful.

The image of Epona enters my dream. “Apologies, Mark Cleveland. I am unable to control dreams.” She says. Her voice is soothing, almost motherly, this time. “There is, however, a pony that is able to. She may have seen your dream.”

“Well, if she can, then she shouldn’t have me dreaming of death.” Now that I think about it, that pony’s ability is like a hardcore version of 1984. And I’m not talking about the Van Halen album.

“Eh, it’s okay. I lived in the United States. I’m used to people watching over me.” Take that, politicians.

Epona looks confused, but doesn’t bother to ask about what I meant. After a brief time, she just nods. “As I mentioned, I cannot control dreams. I do, however, have the ability to determine when they end. It is an ability I inherited from a god who has since passed on.” She stops talking and looks down for a few seconds. I wish I could hug her.

Since I don’t want to see Epona like this, I change the subject. “You mentioned a pony that can control dreams, right?”

She looks up at me. I can’t tell whether or not I distracted her from mourning. “I did indeed, but I meant to say ‘enter’, not ‘control.’ This pony is an alicorn, like me.”

“And Twilight Sparkle.” I say without thinking.

Epona looks at me for a second. She nods after a brief time. “Twilight Sparkle… You’ve met her, I presume? I have not had the honor to yet. I have heard tales of this young mare.” She smiles. If I could, I would too. I’d rather see people smile rather than frown. “Be sure to keep Twilight Sparkle as a friend, Mark Cleveland. After your time on Earth, you deserve her as a friend.”

“Thank you, Epona. It’s an honor to have you as a friend.” I say. I consider her a friend, even though I’ve never physically met her.

Epona smiles at me. “Friendship is one of the most important things in life, Mark Cleveland. Nothing else matters. Remember this.”

Nothing else matters? Besides the basic needs of survival, I’m assuming. She probably means friendship is the most important thing in life besides air, water, and food. “I will, Epona.”

Her horn lights up and my vision fades to white. I wish our conversations could last a bit longer.

5: City of Alicorns

I don't wake up until the sun invades my eyes. Before actually getting up, I roll over and notice a note with familiar handwriting. Fluttershy's. How can a creature without any fingers write? I kind of understand how a pegasus or alicorn could, because of the magic. Maybe they use their mouths? I need to remind myself to not think about stuff like that.

Mark,
When you didn't come for a while, I was a little scared. It took me time to think that you might have gotten a new home or rented a room. You would have told me though, right? I was glad to see that you were here. I wish I was awake when you came back. I fell asleep while reading one of my favorite books. Thanks for putting that blanket over me, by the way.

Ah, so she was awake when I did that. If that was back on earth and I did the same to Dana, she'd probably accuse me of hitting on her. I smile at the memory of her. The smile quickly fades to a frown, knowing that I'd never see her again. I hope she's doing fine without me. I push the thought away and get back to the letter.

Come on down when you're ready, if you want to. I'll have breakfast made. I'll remake it if you wake up at a different time than I expect.
Fluttershy

At the end of the signature, there's a blacked out circular shape. It looks like she tried to erase the figure, but couldn't and just scribbled over it. If I got this letter when I was in high school, I'd think it was a heart. Another smile comes to my face, but this one is quickly replaced with a frown. I wouldn't be able to go to school again, at least not on Earth.

The frown fades from my face. It's not like I was planning on going to college or anything.

I rub my chin, feeling the stubble begin to take the form of a small beard. I'd have to shave or else I'd look like a biker within a couple of days. I make a mental note of asking about if there are razors here. There was something else I was going to ask about, but I can' remember what it was going to be.

I move downstairs and see Fluttershy. "Hi, Mark." She says softly.

"Hi, Fluttershy." I say. "I got your note. Didn't know you were up when I put the blanket over you." She blushes a bit. She seems to do that a lot.

Fluttershy hides a bit behind her mane. Damn, she’s cute. Cute like how a cat is. "Oh, yes I was. I meant to talk to you, but you seemed to be too tired."

"I was tired, but not enough to not talk." I say. I sit down at the table. The pegasus places a plate with delicious-looking food on it. It has an amazing scent to it. I could probably live off just the smell of this dish.

She notices me not eating. "Not hungry?"

"I’m hungry. This just looks too good to eat." I say. Eating this would be like eating a da Vinci painting. Fluttershy blushes again and giggles. I reluctantly poke at it with the fork she gave me. I put some of the food into my mouth. Mere words cannot express just how awesome it is. "Damn, Fluttershy. This is easily the best food I’ve had in my life. Maybe in a few lifetimes.” I finish the plate within two minutes.

Fluttershy smiles and looks proud of herself. “Thank you, Mark. The other ponies don’t exactly… think that.” She rubs her foreleg.

“I think you could sell this.”

She blushes at that. “I’m not even the best cook around here.” Fluttershy says and tries to hide behind her mane. “That honor would have to go to Pinkie or Applejack, I think.”

“If you’re not the best cook, I’d love to see who is. Both of the girls you mentioned seem nice.”

“Mares.” Fluttershy corrects me after a short hesitation. Using this new form of vocabulary is going to be tough to get used to. “W-We also say ‘everypony’ instead of ‘everybody...’”

“So I have to get used to replacing ‘body’ with ‘pony?’” I ask. That’s what I got out of what this shy pegasus I’m talking to.

“Y-You don’t have to…”

“Then it’s more of an accent sort of thing?”

Fluttershy thinks about that for a second. “I guess so.”

“I’ll still try to get used to using ‘pony’ instead of ‘body’. You might have to help remind me to do that.”

“I-I’ll do my best.”

My stomach growls loudly. “Is it too late for breakfast?”

She shakes her head slightly. “No, it’s not.”

We have breakfast shortly after. This food is just as good as the last dish Fluttershy made.

A few minutes after digesting what was pretty much the Mona Lisa of foods, Fluttershy and I go for a walk through Ponyville. The residents of the little town (compared to Seattle, at least) are still trying to get used to me. Most of them are just avoiding me altogether. It makes sense, seeing as how I’m about twice their heights, I suddenly appeared without warning, and I’ve only been here for a few days.

Some time after the walk started, a gray pegasus with a blonde mane awkwardly flies toward us. She stops with a landing that’s just as awkward as her flight. I’m surprised this mare even landed successfully. She stands up and I can tell her balance is absolutely terrible. With a close look, I see that her eyes are gold colored. The most noticeable thing about her eyes is the fact that it’s the worst case of wall-eyedness I’ve ever seen in my life. Both this one and the one on Earth.

The wall-eyed mare pulls out an envelope from her saddlebag. She looks at it for a few seconds. “Letter for a Max Cloverland, I think.”

“Mark Cleveland.” I correct her. “Thanks for the letter. What’s your name? I need to know who I just thanked.”

The mare smiles at me. Her eyes continue to point in different directions. “My friends call me Derpy Hooves.” With those eyes, I should have seen something like that coming.

She hands me the envelope. “Thank you, Derpy Hooves.” With a cute smile, Derpy flies off somewhere else. After a few second, she turns around and continues to fly.

Fluttershy walks up to me. “A letter already?”

“I guess so. She’s the second pony I’ve met so far to know my name.” Things like that never happened to me on Earth. It’s pretty relieving, but sort of creepy at the same time.

“Who’s it from?” She sounds more curious than I do.

I look at the envelope. “This doesn’t say.” This certainly isn’t the USPS. They’d be all over this just because it doesn’t have any stamps.

After chuckling out loud at my own mental joke, and a strange look from Fluttershy, I open up the envelope to reveal a folded up piece of paper. The outside of the letter doesn’t say who it’s from, but it does have a fancy ornate symbol of something resembling an alicorn.

I open up the letter and read it out loud.

Dear Mark Cleveland of Ponyville

There have been rumors among Canterlot civilians that what was once believed to be a mythical creature, a human, is alive and well. Recently, these rumors were confirmed as factual. Without a doubt, the entire planet knows of your existence.

I know without having to meet you that you wish to know who I am and why I am contacting you. If you would journey to Canterlot, that would be most excellent. I wish to keep this letter brief and to remain from questioning your arrival to Equestria via letter, as others may be able to read this. Please, come to the castle whenever convenient and find me, preferably by yourself.

Princess Luna of Canterlot

The brief silence feels like hours. “Y-Y-You can’t just ignore a l-letter from a Princess…” Fluttershy says, breaking the silence.

My response comes after a slight hesitation. “Who’s Princess Luna?”

The timid mare to my side gives a quick explanation of the Princess. “You have to go talk to her, Mark.”

“I guess I do.” I say. “Where’s Canterlot?” Fluttershy points her hoof at a distant mountain. After a second, I notice a massive city built into the side of the mountain. I guess it’s Canterlot.

“Trains go there often.” Fluttershy says. I notice that her voice is quieter than normal. If I had to guess, she’s scared for me. From the explanation she gave me, I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m about to talk to a creature that’s practically a goddess that just spent a thousand years in complete isolation from any creature, living or dead. Even though she sounds nice enough from the letter, I don’t think this is going to end well for me. Usually, my gut feeling is right. I hope it’s wrong this time.

Fluttershy senses my discomfort. Either that, or I’m just making it blatantly obvious. “Can you come to Canterlot with me?” Her eyes widen. “The other Elements can come with us, if you want.”

She lets out a sigh of relief. “T-That would be okay.”

“Alright. It would also give me a nice chance to meet all of them.”

A few hours later, Fluttershy and I arrive at the train station. Five other ponies are there waiting for us. I recognize four of them as Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash (who doesn’t appear to have my iPod at the moment), Applejack, and Pinkie Pie. I notice a small purple lizard-like creature hiding behind Twilight. I can tell it’s scared, so I remind myself to not make any sudden movements.

I don’t recognize the other pony. She’s a white unicorn with a very fancy purple mane.

On the unicorn’s flank is a picture of three diamonds. I remember seeing different pictures on pretty much every other pony I’ve seen so far, except for a few younger ponies. I make a mental note to ask about the pictures later. They’re probably tattoos or something.

“Oh, you must be Mark Cleveland!” The white unicorn says to me when I get to the group. “You are a human, correct?”

“I’m pretty sure, yeah.” I say. “I guess you have the advantage of knowing me, but I don’t know you. What’s your name?”

She looks somewhat disappointed. “My name is Rarity, owner of Carousel Boutique and Element of Generosity.”

“What’s the Carousel Boutique?”

She looks even more disappointed. Hey, don’t blame me. Blame the fact that this is my second day here. “Carousel Boutique is, besides my home, my area of work. It is where I make clothes for ponies.”

“I’ll have to stop by some time. I don’t have a lot of clothes.” I say.

“Why would you need any?” She asks bluntly. I don’t need a mirror to know there’s a blush on my face. “What?”

Humans wear clothes a lot more than ponies do, I guess. “Back on Earth, pretty much everywhere on it, it’s against the law to not wear clothes. It’s a social taboo to not wear anything in almost every culture. Part of it is because we don’t have any coats like ponies do. At least, not in most places on the body.”

“Yo, train’s coming.” Rainbow Dash interrupts the conversation. As if on cue, I hear a train whistle.

The train arrives. It’s one of those old fashioned trains, like something out of the Old West. I guess it makes sense, seeing as how the technology in Equestria is pretty limited compared to modern Earth.

I follow the six ponies onto the train. It’s mostly empty, save for one pony. He just brushes past me and doesn’t seem to notice or care about me. His reaction, or lack thereof, is pretty surprising and almost insulting. Part of me doubts he’s used to seeing creatures twice his height.

The train ride is long. It’s only about an hour long, but it feels like six hours to me. Probably because I feel like I’m on my way to my death. I’m about to speak to a practical goddess that can easily kill me with just a look. It feels like I’m about to talk to Darth Vader or Darth Sidious.

The only good thing about the trip is that I get to talk to my newest friends. My only friends, actually. I get to know them a bit more. Applejack, somewhat unsurprisingly, works at a farm. Fluttershy works with animals, which I didn’t see happen for some reason. Pinkie works at a restaurant or something like that. I can barely understand her. Fortunately, I had a brief phase of being into speed metal, so that helped me understand her. Only a bit, though. As I’ve said before, she puts DragonForce to shame.

Like I said, the train ride feels six times longer than it actually is. I’ve had to make long drives, which truthfully doesn’t really help. Of course, when making those trips, I never had to meet a goddess that may or may not want to kill me in the most painful way imaginable. Just some family business.

The train comes to a grinding halt, which sends a shiver down my spine. I manage to hide it well enough that my equine companions don’t notice. Either that, or I’m being painfully obvious and they do but don’t want to offend me or something. I’m going to assume it’s the former.

Twilight points me to the castle, which I could see from even Fluttershy’s house. “We’ll be at Donut Joe’s once you’re done.” Twilight says. The girls head inside a small cafe.

I walk up to the gates of the castle. The two guards at the front cross their spears. It makes me jump a bit, but I regain my composure. “My name is Mark Cleveland.” I say. “Princess Luna wanted to see me.” I’ve never exactly been in a situation like this, so I don’t know what to say.

I guess I was right, though. The guards uncross their spears, but don’t say anything. They’re like the British Royal Guards.

As soon as I enter the castle, a chill goes down my spine. It’s not because there’s a draft. “I’m going to die in here…” As much as I hate to say it, that sentence came from me.

6: Ride the Lightning

As I walk deeper into the castle, I can't help but feel that I'm closer to the gallows. My gut feelings aren't usually wrong, but I seriously hope they are this time.

A guard turns to me. "Mark Cleveland, right?" She says. In my state, it's no surprise that I almost jumped out of my shoes when she did. After I calm myself down, I nod. "Princess Luna is looking for you. Follow me."

This guard seems nice enough. I hope Princess Luna is too. I follow the guard. During the walk, I notice that I'm breathing quickly and my pulse is faster than normal. I look forward at the guard in hopes of calming me down.

"Quit looking at my plot." The guard says. She didn't turn around to check. After a second, I notice that I was.

Instead of saying that it was an accident and seeming like a liar, I come up with something else. "I'm a guy. It's a biological thing." She keeps looking forward and grunts, but doesn't stop walking.

The rest of the walk is in complete silence. After a few minutes, the guard stops walking. I do too. "The Princess is in this room." She leaves and I think I hear her say something along the lines of 'Don't look at Luna's plot.'

I shake off the guard's words and knock on the door. It's quickly covered in some bluish aura. "What the hell?" I ask myself out loud.

The door opens. "Mark Cleveland." A female voice says from inside the dark room. "Please, enter." It's calm and soothing. Usually, calm and soothing voices don't scare the hell out of me. This isn't one of those times. "There is nothing to worry about."

"Who are you?" I ask. My legs force themselves to walk into the room.

"I am Princess Luna." The voice says. A tall creature walks into view. She's a pony that's a little taller than the average pony I've seen. I notice the horn on her head is covered in the same blue aura as the door. She also has a pair of wings. If what I encountered of Alicorns is true for all, Luna really is a Princess. "Please, don't be afraid. I won't harm you."

I look at her closely. I don't know much about body language, even in humans, but I can tell by her eyes that she's telling the truth. That, or she has a great poker face.

"You don't trust me, I can tell." She says in her still soothing voice. "How may I gain your trust?"

"How do you know about me?" I ask quickly, making sure my voice is strong.

Princess Luna nods and closes her eyes. I see a smile on her lips. At least, what I think would be a smile on a pony. "A creature we thought was mythical suddenly arrives to a town near the capital of a major country does not happen every millennium. When it does, it does not go unnoticed."

She's got a point. I think there's more to the story, though. "Is that all?"

She shakes her head after a brief hesitation. "No, Mark Cleveland. I should tell you that I have the ability to enter dreams."

Oh… So she knows about Epona, then. "You're the one who Epona was talking about, then…"

Princess Luna nods. Her reaction confirms that she knows about Epona. "Yes I am."

"Don't tell anybody." I say quickly. "I don't know how my friends would react."

"I understand, Mark Cleveland."

"Can you just call me Mark?" I ask, getting a nod in return. "But seriously. Don't tell anypony. I mean… I talk to a goddess in my sleep. I'm still trying to get used to it myself. They'll probably ask a whole bunch of questions. I don't like not having any answers."

"I won't tell anypony, Mark. Not even my sister, Princess Celestia."

"If what Twilight Sparkle told me about Celestia is true, then you can tell Princess Celestia." I say. When I mention Twilight's name, I notice Princess Luna practically beams with happiness. She notices too and tries to hide it. The key word is 'try.'

"Twilight Sparkle is a great pony. She is the reason why I am here. She saved me twice."

So Princess Luna is like Princess Peach and Twilight is like Mario. The image of Twilight wearing Mario's hat and a moustache is fun to think about. I barely manage to keep a smile off my face. "When I was coming here, I was honestly scared for my life. I'm glad you're friendlier than I expected."

"What makes you think I would be a bad pony?" She asks with a perplexed look on her face.

I'm going to assume the whole 'sent to the moon for a thousand years' is a touchy subject for her right now. "I've heard that you're past isn't exactly… average."

Princess Luna looks to the side with an annoyed look. I ready myself for any attack she might throw at me. "I… understand. My past was far from the average pony…" She looks back to me. "I know you are talking about my time as Nightmare Moon."

"If it doesn't cause you to kill me, then yes I am."

Princess Luna actually giggles at that. I didn't exactly mean it as a joke. "It is okay, Mark. If what I have heard of you is true, I have no reason to harm you."

"Thank you, Princess Luna." I give her a bow of respect.

"Please, just call me Luna."

"I'll try to remember, Luna." A thought comes to my mind. "Is there any way I can get an identification of some sorts? Something like this?" I pull my wallet from my pocket and show her my driver's license from Earth.

Luna looks at the card, presumably to read it, and nods. "Yes you can. However, under normal circumstances, only ponies can have identification cards."

"Oh." My voice is downcast. Without an ID, I probably can't get my own house or drink alcoholic things.

"Under normal circumstances. I'm certain that one of the Princesses of Equestria will be able to give you assistance."

"Oh." This time, my voice is more upbeat. "I guess I didn't hear that 'under normal circumstances' part."

"Please, follow me." Luna says and opens the door from across the room. Her horn and the door are covered in that bluish aura from earlier.

"Is that magic?" I ask. To be honest, after arriving into a town filled with talking mythical creatures, where I'm a mythical creature to them, not much is very surprising. Not to mention the goddess that I sometimes talk to. If those exist, magic probably does, too.

"Yes it is, Mark." Luna says. I called that.

I follow Luna to wherever she's taking me. We get a few odd looks from guards, although most keep their heads forward.

On the way there, she tells me a bit about herself and her sister. The two somehow have the ability to move the moon and sun respectively. Their magic has to be extremely powerful to be able to do something like that. My respect for them has increased drastically.

"Where I'm from, the Moon orbits the Earth, which orbits the Sun, naturally."

"Really?" She sounds surprised and briefly stops. "I've never heard of such things." The Princess keeps walking and I continue to follow her. After another minute, she stops at a door and opens it. Both the door and her long horn and surrounded by that aura again. I make a mental note to watch out for any other aura that surrounds me.

Luna enters the room, but I don't follow. "Hello, Princess Luna." A male's voice inside says. "Are you here to check up on the ponies that got their IDs? It's a little early, isn't it?"

"No I'm not. I am here to assist in giving another an identification." Luna says.

"Well, who is it? We don't give ID's to ghosts." He laughs at his own joke.

Luna, however, doesn't laugh. "Actually…" She pokes her head out of the door and looks at me. "Could you come in?" I follow her inside.

The pony drops his drink and I hear something break. "What in Celestia's name is that?"

"This is Mark Cleveland." Luna says, barely holding in her aggression that I can feel from here. "He is a human."

The pony almost faints and reaches for a cup on his desk. He notices that he dropped it. "You're telling me that a mythical creature is… here? And you two are friends?"

"Yes." She says, more blunt than a lead pipe.

The pony breathes in and out, probably to calm himself down. "Wow. I'll… get the ID ready. I'll just have to adjust the camera." He walks to a small set to my left that I didn't notice until now. It looks like something from picture day at school. When he moves past me, I notice that he glances up at me, then quickly looks forward again.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Don't hurt me!" He says in a high pitched voice.

I hold up my hands. "I'm not going to. Are you okay?"

He looks at me and Luna. "I-I hope so… Let's get this over with." He quickly adjusts the camera and takes my picture. After the picture is taken, the pony quickly writes something in a typewriter.

"Thank you. I'll be sure you get a raise in payment." Luna says. I follow her out of the room. "I apologize for his behavior. He is only used to talking to ponies. I should have informed you."

"It's okay, Luna. I think I'll have to get used to it." I let out a sigh. "When will I get my ID?"

"It should arrive to you within a few days. We will send it to Fluttershy when it is finished." Luna says. She stops walking. "The answer may be different, depending on your answer to my offer."

I turn to look at her. "What is it?" I run some possibilities through my head. Maybe they'll make me a knight or something. Is there a dragon for me to kill?

"As the Princess of the Night and Moon, I request thee, Mark Cleveland, Reborn Human in Equestria, to…" She pauses dramatically. "Live in Canterlot." She puts on a cute playful smile on her face.

Okay, that wasn't one of the possibilities I thought of. Because of what I thought of, and Luna's smile, I laugh a bit.

"Is that a yes?" She asks, still smiling.

After a second, I stop laughing. "I'll have to think about it, Luna. Canterlot reminds me of Seattle. My old home. All of the friends I've made so far, besides you, live in Ponyville."

Luna nods. "I understand, Mark. If you wish, I will ask you later."

"Yeah, I'd like that." Luna smiles and goes off somewhere else. I'm sort of leaning towards Canterlot because I've always loved big cities. If the pony that took my picture is any foreshadowing, I'll probably terrify everypony in the city. The average residents of Ponyville didn't seem to mind.

I keep thinking about where I should probably live until a pony I don't recognize walks up to me. He's a white unicorn with a dirty blonde mane. "What in Tartarus are you supposed to be?" He asks in a posh British accent. "Oh, you must be one of the new servants from out of Equestria." He smiles at me.

"I'm not a servant." I say to him. "What are you supposed to be? The token asshole?"

The unicorn glares at me. "How dare you speak to royalty in such a manner? Do you even know who you are speaking to?"

"No. I don't care, either."

"I am Prince Blueblood, nephew to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna and cousin of Princess Cadence." He says, ignoring what I said. "You are nothing but a peasant. Leave the castle."

Technically, this guy's right. I don't have any money and I'm officially homeless. "Princess Luna invited me here. I have no reason to leave." I show him the letter.

He reads the letter. "I apologize. You are not a peasant." I smile. "You are a beast."

My smile drops. Fortunately, I see Princess Luna walk up behind Blueblood. "And whom is this beast?" She asks. Blueblood's smile falls, and mine returns

He turns around. "P-P-Princess Luna! I'm terribly sorry. This be-human lost his way and I-"

"Prince Blueblood." Luna interrupts him. "You may leave."

He hesitates before trotting off. I don't need to have 20/20 vision to see that his tail is literally in between his legs. "I'm glad I'm on your good side, Luna." I say to her.

"As am I, Mark." She says.

"That guy was really annoying. I'm glad you stepped in."

She smiles. "I don't like Blueblood either, to be truthful."

"So, am I done here? Not to imply that I don't like your company."

"Yes. Our business is complete."

I thank Luna and walk out of the castle. Twilight said to meet her at Donut Joe's or something like that. The conversation with Prince Dickface sort of made me forget. Getting pissed off like that tends to do things to me like that.

7: Return to Solitude

After half an hour of walking around the capital of Equestria, I finally find the restaurant. I enter and see the six familiar ponies at a table talking. The lizard-like creature is also there, sitting next to Twilight.

“Hey, Mark.” Rainbow Dash says. The ponies and lizard look at me. “How’d it go?”

I sit in the booth, next to Rarity, with them. There’s barely enough room. “Better than I expected.”

“How’d you expect it to go?” Twilight asks with a worried look.

“Worse than it went.”

“Thanks for being specific.”

“Anytime, Twilight.” I say. “Actually, Princess Luna helped me get an ID.”

Rainbow Dash lets out a low whistle. “And to think a thousand years ago she tried to kill her sister and take over the world.” Everypony, including me and the lizard, looks at her. “What? I’m just sayin’.” We keep looking at her. She sighs and looks at me. “So are you gonna show us your ID?”

“I actually don’t have it yet. I’ll be getting it in a few days, Luna said. I’ll show it to you all soon. I can show you my old one if you want.”

“Eh, sure.” Rainbow shrugs.

I pull out my wallet and my driver’s license. I put it on the table and they look at my ID. “It’s just got the normal stuff driver’s licenses have. Picture, details of appearance, place of birth, et cetera.”

Rainbow leans forward and looks at it. “Green eyes, brown hair. Yep, it’s accurate.”

“What’s Seattle?” Pinkie asks after reading over my old ID. “Is it a food?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if it was, somewhere. It’s actually where I was before coming to Equestria, like I already told Twilight.” I say. “It’s not where I was born, though. I’m from a place called Vancouver.”

“V-Vanhoover? I thought you said you weren’t from Equestria.” Fluttershy says.

“Vancouver, not Vanhoover.” I correct. “I’m not from Equestria, no. Vancouver’s in a country called Canada. Seattle is in a country called the United States of America.” I start to repeat what I told Twilight.

“So, Mark, how did you get tah Equestria?” Applejack asks.

I don’t say anything for a while. The question sends a shiver down my spine and I shift my weight. “I… I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll probably tell you later.”

Rarity rubs my forearm to comfort me. I’m sure if she was taller, she’d be rubbing my back instead. That would be more comforting, rather than this somewhat awkward forearm rubbing. “I think I can speak for all of us ponies, and Spike, that we won’t force anything out of you.”

“Thanks, Rarity.” I tell her. She stops rubbing my forearm. I look at the lizard and point at him. “I’m guessing he’s Spike?”

“Yeah. He’s my number one assistant.” Twilight says.

Spike clearly isn’t a pony. Would it be disrespectful to ask what he is? I guess there’s only one way to find out. “What’s your species, Spike?” I ask him.

“Dragon.” He says with some strength to his voice.

“Wow. A real life dragon. Where I’m from, dragons are mythical creatures.” I say with a wide smile on my face. “I never thought I’d see one in my life.”

“I never thought I’d see a human in my life.” Spike says.

“I guess we were both wrong.”

We share a laugh, then he burps. A green colored fire comes from his mouth then harmlessly dissipates into the air.

“Damn, that was cool.” I applaud the dragon. I rub my chin. “Can you do that again? I want to try something.” I hold out my left hand above the table, making sure to get it close to Spike.

“You’re not gonna do what I think you’re gonna do, are you?” Rainbow asks.

“Yep.”

Rarity scoffs. “Colts will be colts.”

“Yer an idiot, Mark. This’ll end badly.” Applejack says with a sigh.

“I don’t recommend this, and I’m one for experimenting.” Twilight says.

“I can’t watch…” Fluttershy covers her eyes with her hooves.

“I can!” Pinkie pulls out a camera from nowhere.

“Are you sure about this?” Spike asks.

“Do it. My left hand is my weak hand, just in case this doesn’t end well.”

“So that’s what a hand is.” Rainbow says. I see her elbow Twilight.

Spike blows out a flame. When it hits my hand, I definitely feel it. The temperature barely changes. It doesn’t hurt, though. It’s more of a tickle.

I pull my hand away and look at it. Not much has changed about it, except for a slight greenish discoloration. “Are you okay? Did it hurt?” Spike asks with sincere worry in his voice.

“No. All I felt was a tickle.” I say. We all look at my hand.

“Dear Celestia…” Twilight says. “Would you… be willing to do some tests with me after we get back to Ponyville?”

“Yeah, sure. I think it would be best.”

After a short time, we head back to Ponyville. The train ride feels shorter than the first one, since I don’t think I’m headed off to get killed by a mad goddess. I do feel like I’m going to be tortured by a debatably sane Princess.

Fortunately, when we arrive, I’m not killed by a mad goddess. I follow Twilight to her weird crystal treehouse home. “For these tests, it would be best if you would take off your shirt.” Twilight says to me once we get to a large, mostly empty room.

“Is it for the tests or do you just want to see me half naked?”

That gets a blush from her. Her face makes me snicker. “Yes.”

I didn’t imagine Twilight could be a smartass. “Thanks for being specific.”

“Anytime, Mark.”

I take off my shirt. “Am I sexy enough for you?”

She studies my torso. “I’ve seen better.” She laughs and swings her tail more than usual as she turns. If I was attracted to ponies, I’d take the chance to look at her ass. But I’m not, so I don’t. After all, bestiality is illegal in Washington.

“So what kind of tests are we going to do?” I ask, tossing my shirt to the side.

“Since Spike’s magical fire breath didn’t harm you, like it does to normal ponies…” She trails off, then gets back on track. “I’d like to test if other spells can affect you.”

“Alright. Let me know when you’re ready.”

“I’m ready.” She gets into a stance like she’s about to fight someone. Her horn lights up, being surrounded by a purple aura. It’s like Luna’s. I guess every unicorn’s aura color is different, then. A beam of white light erupts from the horn and straight into my chest. It knocks out my breath and forces me to the floor.

Twilight trots up to me. “Are you okay?”

I hold up a thumb. “Yeah.” I manage to spit out. It didn’t hurt too much, but my chest will probably have a nasty bruise in the morning. “What spell was that?”

“Just an energy beam. If you were a pony, that would have pierced right through you.”

“So you start off these tests by trying to kill me? Thanks, Twilight.” I say sarcastically.

She sighs. “I just assumed magic wouldn’t affect you as much as it does the average pony. Just from what Spike’s fire breath did.”

“Good thing you were right.”

We wait until my lungs fill up again. Twilight sends another spell at me, this one being fire. It’s not much different from Spike’s fire, but Twilight’s is definitely hotter. My skin is noticeably redder after the spell was cast.

The next spell is lightning. I’ve seen Star Wars, so my muscles tensed up before the lightning hit. It hurt enough to knock me to the ground and to make me cry out. Twilight stops the second she hears me.

“Should we keep going?” She asks nervously.

I get back to my feet after a second. “Yeah. I can keep going.” I cough. “Any other tricks up your sleeve?”

Twilight looks at me with a worried look on her face. She shakes her head. “I’m going to save other spells for later.”

“Are you saying you’re done? I’m not.” I flex my arm. Twilight blushes slightly at that.

She rubs her chin. Or is it muzzle? Excuse me for not being an expert on the anatomy of ponies. “We can keep going, if you really want to.”

I nod. “Yeah, let’s keep going.”

“Only one more spell, though. I don’t want to end up killing you.”

I smile at that. “If you do, I’m going to haunt you. So what’s the next spell?”

“Teleportation.”

My smile widens. “Seriously? I hope it works. Can you do any time travel spells?”

“I… don’t like to mess around with time travel anymore.” She looks to the side, then back to me. The way she said that makes me think she traveled through time. Lucky little pony. “Get ready, Mark.” Her horn lights up like before.

“Ready.”

A beam of light, like Twilight’s first spell, slams into me. My vision suddenly, but briefly, cuts to white. The next second, I’m outside Twilight’s house. And 6 meters in the air.

I land in a rose bush, which hardly softens the landing. I crawl out of the bush and Twilight appears before me. “Ow.” I say. “Did you try to do that? Make me land in a rose bush?”

“I meant for you to stay in the house… I’m sorry.” She lies down in front of me. Our noses are a few centimeters from touching.

“It’s okay. Not the first bush I’ve fallen in.” I stand up and so does she. I pull a thorn out of my arm. A thin line of blood comes from the small wound. I say. “So I’m not resistant to teleportation, or is it amplified or whatever?”

“Either teleportation on your body is amplified, or I just put too much power into that spell… Would you be willing to try again? Just so I can find out?”

I shrug. “If you don’t drop me into another bush, sure.”

Twilight giggles. “I’ll do my best. Would you rather land in a lake or a tree?”

“A lake.”

She uses her spell on me and I teleport somewhere else again. This time, above and in the middle of a lake. Instead of being 6 meters in the air, It’s only around one and a half this time.

After landing in the lake, I swim to the shore. Twilight’s there waiting for me. “Huh… Teleportation doesn’t seem to be affected by species…” She says.

“So when do I get to try time travel?” I ask, looking hopeful.

“Probably never.”

I drop my head into the soft and very wet sand. “Aw. I guess I’d have to have a DeLorean or something.”

“A what?”

“It’s a reference to a movie from Earth. I’ll explain it to you later.” I get back to my feet. “How far from Ponyville are we?”

“Not very far. Do you want to walk back or teleport there?”

On any other day on Earth, I’d want to teleport. Part of that is to scare the hell out of people. Since I’m still new to Equestria, I think it would be best to walk and learn the surroundings. “Let’s walk.”

Fifteen minutes later, we’re back in Ponyville. I notice how silent Twilight’s being. Maybe I notice because Rainbow Dash still has my iPod. I become suddenly aware of how quiet everything is. I was suddenly taken from a loud, bustling city to a quiet, tiny town at the base of a slightly louder town.

“Are you okay?” Twilight says, waving a hoof in front of me. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“Sorry. I was focused on something else. What did you say?” I ask.

“How exactly did you arrive to Equestria?”

Ugh. I’m not comfortable with talking about this yet. “I’ll tell you later. It’s a long story.”

Twilight reluctantly nods. “Alright, then.”

The rest of the walk is in agonizing silence. When we reach Ponyville, we say our goodbyes and I head to Fluttershy’s house.

Before I enter her home, I stop at a tree. The one I was at when I let Rainbow borrow my iPod. I lean against the tree. For something covered in bark, it’s pretty comfortable.

After about 20 minutes of relaxation, a familiar cyan pegasus flies in front of me. "Hey, Mark!" Rainbow Dash waves to me. I wave back and she flies over. I notice that she has my iPod with her, which she somehow managed to clip to her. Do these ponies secretly have thumbs and pockets?

"Hi, Rainbow." I say. The pegasus lands a meter in front of me. She lands somewhat clumsily. I notice that she has tiny bags under her eyes. "Get enough sleep last night?"

She blushes faintly because of what I assume to be nervousness. "...Not really." She admits quietly. "You just have so much good stuff on your thing."

"I take it you mean that?" I point to the iPod. She nods. "Where I'm from, those kinds are called iPods. The generic term is just MP3 or music player." Rainbow Dash nods again, but I think she didn't really listen. Probably due to the lack of sleep.

"So, what's with the apple on the back of it?"

"It's the logo of the company that made it. They're called, fittingly, Apple." I say. "Not really my favorite brand, but I'm not the one that bought it. My brother did."

She looks at me, but not directly. Man, she needs more sleep. "You've got a brother?"

The question bothers me a bit. I’ve never really been close with my brother. A major factor in that is definitely the fact that he’s a soldier, so I rarely see him. I hesitate to answer. "Well... That's kind of difficult to answer. I guess the best one would be 'used to'." Rainbow Dash looks away like she just hit a bad subject. "Oh, not because he's dead or something. We're just...worlds apart." I clarify.

Rainbow Dash looks back at me and nods. "Okay, thanks for clearing that up. I thought I..." She trails off. "Uh..."

I can tell she wants to talk with me more but on a different subject. "So, what was your favorite song?"

She shrugs. "I dunno what it was called. It went something like this." She began to hum a tune.

A familiar tune. A very familiar tune. One of my favorite songs.

Detroit Rock City.

8: Thunderstruck

I remember being moved, but not for how long or in which direction.

My eyes focus on something white. It feels like the first time I met Epona. Am I meeting her again?

No. This is different. I know I have a body this time. It doesn’t feel like I do, though. It’s kind of like an out of body experience, but I’m still in my body. I feel like a radio stuck in between stations.

A sound echoes in my mind. It sounds like someone talking underwater. Am I dead?

The sound repeats, this time clearer. It sounds like a voice. The sound repeats a few more times until I can finally identify what it's saying.

"Mark?" The voice says. I know it’s not Epona. She always addresses me with my full name, at least so far. "Mark?"

I try to say something, but the only thing to come from me is a moan. I sounded like one of those cliche zombies. Am I undead?

"Mark!" The voice says again. I can tell it belongs to a mare. Rainbow Dash? I feel a sharp poke in the ribs. Yep. Rainbow Dash.

"Ow..." I manage to say.

After about ten minutes of waking up my body, I manage to sit up with help from Rainbow Dash. I realize that I'm in a hospital.

"Are you okay?" She asks me. I can tell she really means it unlike those people that ask just to seem nice.

"I've been better, honestly. I've also been worse." I say. The familiar feeling of dryness is in my throat. Fortunately, there's a glass of water on the nearby table. I drink it all without stopping. It’s extremely relieving. I could use another. "Sorry about that. I think I had a panic attack."

Rainbow Dash sits on a comfortable looking chair. She looked nervous. "...Was it about that song?"

I slowly nod. "Yeah. It's not your fault. It's just..." Oh, how do I explain this? It foreshadowed my death, to start.

She reached forward, cupping my hand in her hooves. Her hooves are warm, like a human's hand. I don't know if I should feel comfortable about it or creeped out. "You don't have to say."

I hold up my free hand to stop her. "Yes, I do." Oh, dammit. I've started and now I can't stop. Ugh. Alright, Mark, just choose a place to start. I should have chosen a better way to reveal my past. "You know that I'm not from Equestria, right?" Of course she does. I'm probably the only human in the kingdom, based off of what I heard the other ponies say. "I should say how I got here. You can let the other ponies know, since I couldn’t before."

I started to explain what happened to me, starting from when I brought Dana out of the bar. I keep spilling my guts about everything that happened to the point of my car crash in horrible detail. She’s visibly disturbed by it. I’m sure my face is the same as hers. I can tell she doesn't have any idea what most of what I said was, but she understood that I died in an accident. I don't tell her about Epona.

"That's..." She started to say. The pegasus was at a loss for words. "I... I'm so sorry about that. I wish I was there to help."

"Nah. Don't be sorry about accidents." I say, paraphrasing something Fluttershy said when we met. "There wasn't anything that anybody could have done. It just sort of...happened."

The pegasus lets go of my hand. I didn't realize that her hooves were so hot until the cold air of the hospital room surrounded my hand.

I decide to change the subject. "Did the doctor say how long I to be in here?"

Rainbow Dash looks up at me. "Hm? Oh, yeah. Just until you woke up. Longer if you didn't feel any better."

"I say we leave. It's really cold in here. It's probably because I don't have a coat." I say. "I mean, like fur. Not the jacket. Well, either would be nice. I just need more clothes."

"Then we should talk to Rarity." Rainbow Dash says.

I remove the blanket. Fortunately, my pants are still there. “Alright, let’s go. Besides, I haven’t had the chance to talk to Rarity much yet.” I move my legs off the bed and try to stand. My balance is terrible, so I sit back down. “Dammit. Okay, give me some time.” We wait a bit until my legs feel like working.

I follow Rainbow Dash to Carousel Boutique. I can tell why it’s called that, what with the carousel on top of the building. I figure I’ll see the boutique part of the name come into play inside.

“Want me to tell Rarity about… Y’know?” Rainbow asks me.

“You can if you want. I’d rather you do when I’m not around.”

Rainbow nods and moves to the door. Instead of knocking, she just flies in, literally. I get that this place is a store, but didn’t Rarity say she also lives here?

I push the thought from my mind and enter the building. As I expected, it looks like a boutique. There’s pony versions of mannequins everywhere, some with clothes and some without.

Rainbow practically slams her hoof on the bell at the counter. “Coming!” A voice from another room says in a singsong tone. Rarity walks out a second later. “Oh, hello Rainbow and Mark. I know Rainbow Dash enough to know this visit isn’t for her, correct?”

“Yep. Mark needs clothes.” Rainbow says.

“You two have come to the right place for that!” The smiling Rarity says in a chipper tone. “I’ll just need to take your measurements, Mark, and you’ll have to tell me which styles you prefer.”

“Any special place we need to go for it?” I ask.

“No. Just here will do.” A tape measure covered in a purple aura different from Twilight’s floats over to Rarity. The white unicorn starts to measure various parts of my body. “May I ask what you did in Canterlot while we were at the cafe?”

“I talked to Luna, as you know.” I say. “I did meet a prince, though. Not a nice guy at all. I think his name was Blueblood or something like that.”

Rarity briefly stops, then continues to measure me. “Oh… I met him last year at the Grand Galloping Gala.”

“The what?”

Rarity almost drops the tape measure. “You don’t know what the Grand Galloping Gala is? I get that you’re not from Equestria, but you don’t know what the Grand Galloping Gala is?” She looks shocked.

“No, what’s a gala?” Rarity sighs. Rainbow Dash laughs. “But seriously though, what’s a gala? I’ve never heard of one.”

“It’s a fancy dance.” Rainbow says, flying over to us. “Dresses, tuxes, and boring music everywhere.”

“Like classical music? On pianos and violins and stuff?”

“Exactly.” Rarity says. “Do you not like classical, Mark? From what Rainbow told me about your… device, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“Eh, it’s not my favorite genre.” I rub the back of my head. My arm is quickly covered in magic and straightened out. “I like some of the instruments, though. The cello and violin are probably some of my favorite instruments after the guitar. I tried to play them before I came here. They’re not very easy, even with fingers. I can’t imagine how hard they are with hooves.

Rarity stops measuring. “How could you even play any instrument with fingers?” She sighs to herself. “The measurements are done. What sort of styles, patterns, and colors do you like?”

“I’m not too picky. I like denim jeans, like what I’m wearing.” I gesture to my pants. “I like to have a few pairs of them. As for shirts and other things go, I like plaid as a pattern. I’d like a few button-up plaid shirts.”

Rarity nods and writes that down in a notebook. She holds both the notebook and pencil in her magic. She catches me staring, but doesn’t seem to care, like she’s used to it. “Who designed your current clothes? They don’t fit you at all, size and appearance.”

I look down at my clothes. “I don’t know. They’re mass produced. I bought these in a store.”

“M-M-Mass produced?” She looks shocked and almost faints. “Dear Celestia, that must have been a nightmare for you! How do your clothes even fit? Is everypony the same size?”

“Yeah, mass produced. There’s different sizes.” I say, trying to make my voice as calm as possible. Maybe my emotions will rub off on Rarity? “Humans are different sizes. I’m pretty much average size for someone my age.”

Rainbow looks like she wants to change the subject. “How old are you?”

“I’m 23 years old. Humans live to around 80 on average. I’ve heard of people living up to 120.” I say. “So you’re stuck with me for a long time. How long to ponies live?”

“It’s different for every species.” Rarity says. "Earth ponies live to around 70. Pegasi to 60. Unicorns, fortunately, live for 90.”

“What about alicorns?”

She thinks about that. “I honestly don’t know. I’ve heard of alicorns dying, but never by natural causes. Celestia and Luna have lived for thousands of years.”

“And what about Twilight?” I ask.

“She’s around our age.” Rainbow says.

That would help me if I knew how old these mares are. If they’re anything like girls on Earth, which they are so far, they’d get pissed off if I asked their age.

“I work fast, but I absolutely cannot make an entire wardrobe in twenty minutes.” Rarity says after some time. It didn’t feel like twenty minutes to me. These two are surprisingly fun to talk to. “Especially for somepony with such an unusual body… No offense.”

“None taken. Just don’t call me ‘ape’. I’ve had enough call me that already.” I say.

Rarity scoffs. “Just because you walk on two legs doesn’t mean you’re an ape.”

“Tell that to Prince Dickface.”

Surprisingly, Rarity laughs at that. Unsurprisingly, Rainbow does too. “I’ll have to remember that next time I go to Canterlot. I’m not normally one to use profanity, but that? That is perfect for Blueblood. If I meet him, I’ll say it to his face.”

I smile at the thought. It quickly makes me laugh. I would pay to see it happen.

“Might I ask what songs you have on your device?” Rarity’s voice takes the thought away.

“Why don’t I just show you?” I hand her the headphones. She puts them on.

“You sure about this, Mark?” Rainbow asks. “I dunno if she’ll like most of what’s on there.”

I turn on the iPod. “There’s only one way to find out.”

I look at the screen and skip to a random song. “Ooh. I like that sound. This stallion has a great voice.” She says. After a second, she looks into my eyes with a smile on her face. “Did you choose this one on purpose?”

I look back to my iPod. White Unicorn by Wolfmother is playing. I can feel a blush form on my face. “N-No… It’s coincidence.”

“What song?” Rainbow swoops in, brutally murdering the moment. She looks at the screen. Then she starts laughing. “I totally bet that was on purpose!”

“I chose a random song!” I defend.

“How many songs do you have on there?”

“A little over 400.”

“And it chose the one that describes my appearance.” Rarity points out.

“Hey, there’s a band called Rainbow on here, but I’m not hearing her talk about it.” I gesture to the pegasus.

She crosses her front legs while still flying. That has to be difficult. “I didn’t hear anything by them when I listened to it.”

“White Unicorn isn’t the only song about horses that I have.” I look through my iPod and read off titles involving horses. “Horse With No Name, Four Horsemen, and…” I stop myself and look at the screen. There’s a song on here I don’t remember hearing. And the title…

“What?” Rainbow asks. “Are you okay?”

I look up at her. “Y-Yeah. There’s a song on here that I don’t remember adding. It surprised me.”

“What’s it called? Can you play it?” Rarity asks.

“Uh… It’s called…” I re-read the screen. “A Rose for E-Epona. I don’t know how to pronounce the band name. Eluveitie or something like that.” I start the song for Rarity. I run over how the song could have gotten onto my iPod. I had a Finnish friend that sometimes added songs onto this. Maybe he put A Rose for Epona on here. It’s a little unnerving how a song about the creature that talks to me in my sleep got onto my iPod without me knowing.

“That’s wonderful sounding. What instrument is that? It sounds very-- Oh.” She looks surprised and somewhat disappointed. “That got loud quickly.” She takes the headphones off.

Rainbow takes them and takes my iPod out of my hands. She restarts the song. “It’s good enough for me, Rarity. Listen to stuff that isn’t just violins and cellos.”

“I said I liked that first instrument! Do you know what it is, Mark?” She turns to me.

I take the headphones from Rainbow with some objection from her part. I restart the song. “I don’t know. Maybe bagpipes. It kind of sounds like them” I keep listening to the song. I know I didn’t add this song, but I silently thank whoever did.

After a few more minutes of talking, Rainbow Dash and I leave Carousel Boutique. It’s almost dark already, so Rainbow says goodbye for the day and flies off into the sky. I wonder why she does that. From what I’ve seen in Equestria, I wouldn’t be surprised if she lives in a house made of clouds. There’s probably even an entire city made of clouds up there.

I head to Fluttershy’s house. She’s probably already asleep by now, so I enter quietly.

9: Sick, Sick, Sick

The next morning, I feel absolutely terrible. It’s not like a common cold. This is more like a migraine. A migraine, but centered in the stomach. I can feel pain spread over almost every centimeter of my body.

What the hell caused this much pain? The experiments with Twilight is the first to come to mind. If that’s the case, I would have probably felt this much pain after waking up in the hospital.

Maybe it’s what I’m eating. What I’m not eating would be a better phrase. I haven’t had any kind of meat here. Yeah, that’s probably why I feel like this.

There’s a soft knocking at the door. It slowly opens to reveal Fluttershy. She looks like she’s hiding behind it. “M-Mark? It’s almost noon… Are you going to have any breakfast?” I sit up, which upsets my stomach nearly to the point of throwing up. Fluttershy notices my pain and seems to share it with me. “A-Are you okay?” She asks, but I know she knows the answer. She steps inside. I open my mouth. My throat hurts too much to say anything. I shake my head. Fluttershy walks over to me and places a hoof on my forehead. “You’re really hot, Mark…” She says in a worried tone.

“I know.” I manage to cough out. My soft laughter nearly tears my throat. “Ow.”

“I’d better get somepony to help.” She says, then trots out the door with speed that would make Rainbow Dash jealous.

For what feels like hours, but is probably closer to 10 minutes, I just sit there being miserable due to the pain from whatever sickness I have. I’m probably overreacting, but I am in a lot of pain. It’s not as bad as being kicked in the balls. I’ve been bedridden for days because of that happening

Fluttershy walks in, with Applejack flanking her. She’s wearing saddlebags. “Hiya, Mark.” The country mare says. I wave at her. “Ah’ve got some medicines fer yah. Ah dunno what yer feelin’, so Ah brough different kinds ah medicines. Food, too.”

“I’ll just leave you two alone.” Fluttershy says on her way out. “If you need me, I’ll be downstairs.”

Applejack and I bid her a temporary farewell. “Now Ah’ll admit, Ah’m not the best doc in Ponyville. That honor’d prob’ly go to Twi. She’s busy in her castle, or somethin’.” She grabs a bottle of medicine in her mouth and puts it on the bedside table. I notice that it’s some sort of liquid. Ugh. I’ve always hated taking liquid medicine. I can take pills easily.

Applejack pours some of the liquid, which is clear but slightly brown, into the cap. “Drink it, Mark.” She says, noticing my hesitation. “It’s fer sore throats.”

I pick up the cap and quickly pour the bitter medicine down my throat. I almost spit it out. The taste alone makes me want to throw up. I shudder horribly. “God, that’s fucking disgusting.”

Applejack sighs and shakes her head. “Ah’d shame yah for yer language, but Ah’m used to it. Big Mac can get vulgar when he hurts himself.”

“Who?”

“Big Mac’s mah older brother. Macintosh Apple is his real name.”

So he’s a sandwich and a computer. I chuckle at my mental joke. Applejack notices and looks slightly angry. “Sorry. I just thought of something.”

“Relatin’ to mah brother?” She accuses.

Applejack looks like she wants to fight. I’m not in any condition to. Even if I was, I don’t think I could fight a pony. I’ve always hated animal abuse. Plus, I have no idea how quadrupeds fight. I’m somewhat used to human fights. I’ve seen plenty and I’ve been in a few of them. Since I don’t want to fight, I hold up my hands in defense. “Indirectly, yeah. His name just reminds me of something from Earth.” My throat starts to hurt again.

She loosens up, fortunately. I can see some hostility in her eyes, though. “Okay, then…” She says. I doubt she believes me. “So, Mark. Could yah tell me some more ‘bout Earth?”

I nod and start to tell her what I told Twilight the other day.

Near the end of my speech, there’s a knock on the door. “Can I come in?” A voice that isn’t Fluttershy asks. I recognize it, but can’t place a name to the voice.

“Yeah.” I say. The door opens, revealing the violet Alicorn from before. The name comes to me. Twilight Sparkle. In my defense, I’m terrible with names.

“I heard from Fluttershy that you’re sick. Is it true?” She asks, studying my body.

I nod. “Yeah. Applejack here came over to help out. She brought some medicine and food for me.” I gesture to the Earth pony, who smiles triumphantly.

“How are you feeling?” Twilight asks. I tell her my symptoms. “I’m not familiar with human biology, so I can’t give you a diagnosis or even a prognosis. If you were a pony, the likely affliction would be malnourishment. Since you’ve only been here for a few days, I doubt that’s the problem.” She scratches the side of her head. Her eyes open and I can almost see a lightbulb over her head. “Maybe Princess Celestia would know! I’ll be back.” She runs out of the room.

“So Twi’s gettin’ Celestia to help yah…” Applejack says. She sounds almost sad.

I sit up. Judging from Applejack’s tone, she wants to spend more time with me. “You’ve got an apple farm, right?”

“Ah live in one. Why?” She inquires.

“I could help you out around there. I don’t have much experience with farms, but I can do my best.” I say. She puts on a wide and arguably cute smile. “And we haven’t hung out very much. I’d like to get to know you a bit more.”

“Sure. Ah can always use some help ‘round the farm.” She mumbles something under her breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothin’.” She says. For somepony with the title ‘Element of Honesty’, I’m not surprised she’s a terrible liar.

I pretend I fall for it, though. “Alright, then.”

Applejack heads out sometime after the conversation. Twilight comes in after the country mare left. The Alicorn has a letter with her, which she’s carrying with her magic. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to living in a world with magic. And I can’t even use it. I was so close to being a Jedi, too.

“Read this, Mark, then come with me outside.” Twilight says. She sits down. I read the letter out loud.

Dear Mark Cleveland

It has come to my attention, via my faithful student Twilight Sparkle, that you have fallen ill. To find a prognosis, I read through my old books on mythological creatures for assistance. The information on your species was limited, but I may have found an answer. Humans are omnivorous, and you likely have had nothing but what ponies eat. No doubt is the food from your planet different. I have sent a letter to the Griffon Empire to request packages of meat for your diet. The meat shall arrive within two days. If meat fails to assist, I apologize in advance and will do my best to make you feel functional.

Princess Celestia

“I can see why Princess Celestia is a leader of Equestria. She’s making sure each and every one of her subjects are feeling happy.” I think out loud. Celestia’s either doing that, or she doesn’t want to feel guilty about the death of a mythological creature.

Now they’ve all got me calling myself a myth.

After a second, Twilight starts to look nervous. “I… I didn’t know you were an omnivore. I thought you were an herbivore, like all ponies.”

The way she says that, I know what she’s thinking. “Don’t worry, Twilight. I won’t eat you or your friends.” I say quickly. She calms down noticeably. “I’d be a terrible person if I ate ponies. Especially one as nice or cute as you.”

She flinches slightly, like I just punched her in the face. “You think I’m cute?”

“Yeah. I'm talking about love. You’re cute in the way baby animals are. I think it’s the color of your coat.” I say. I don’t want anybody or anypony thinking I have a crush on them when I don’t. “Back on Earth, horses aren’t violet, green, blue, pink, or almost every other color. Mostly brown, black, or white.”

Twilight nods. “I see. It must be hard getting used to seeing ponies of so many colors.”

“Very. Especially when one has every color of the rainbow on them. You know the one I’m talking about.”

Twilight smiles. “Rainbow Dash.”

“Yep.” I let out a sigh. “You know, Twilight, I’m glad I’m in Equestria now. Earth… It’s far from a utopia. Equestria is far better than Earth. It had wars almost every year I’ve been there. The pollution was terrible. Humans were terribly over populated. There were over 7 billion on the planet when I got out.”

“That sounds terrible.”

“It was. That’s just some of it. You know what murder is, right?”

Just from her expression, I can tell she does. “Yeah… Fortunately, Equestria doesn’t have much of it.”

“You’re lucky, then. There’s murder pretty much daily on Earth.” Twilight gasps. “Some of the killers never get caught. There was a guy that sent notes to the police to taunt them. He hasn’t been caught, and the killings happened 40 years before I came here.”

“Dear Celestia…”

“Do you want me to stop?” I ask. I kind of hope she wants me to.

She sincerely contemplates it for a second. “I want you to, but I also want to learn as much as I can about Earth. I guess… Tell me more.”

I sigh. “If you say so.”

I start to tell Twilight as much as I can about the darkest parts of Earth’s history. I mention disasters, both natural and man made. Accidental and intentional.

“Are you okay?” Twilight asks, thankfully interrupting my speech. “You’re crying.”

I wipe my face. “I guess not. I didn’t even know I was.”

“You can stop now.” Twilight says. She wraps me in a hug. It’s honestly one of the most comforting things I’ve experienced. I return it after less than a second of hesitation.

“Thanks, Twi. I needed that.” I say after the hug breaks. “If you really want to know more about how shitty Earth can get, I’ll tell you later.”

“I’ll only want to know when you want to tell me.” She says.

I nod. I want to change the subject. “So… Celestia can move the sun and Luna can move the moon?”

Twilight beams with pride, as if she can do both herself. “Yep! There’s a reason why they’re the rulers of Equestria. They’re very skilled with magic and they’re great leaders.”

“So, the sun and moon orbit this planet?”

“Yes they do. Why do you ask?”

“Earth orbits its sun and the Moon orbits Earth.” I say. Twilight tries to suppress her expression that’s a mix of surprise and confusion.

“How?”

“It’s natural. There’s not any magic on Earth, I think.”

“No magic? None at all?”

“Just the occasional person to come around and claim they’re a magician and swindle the people of their money. Most of it’s just sleight of hand or things everybody knows how to do.”

“Then how does Earth orbit its sun?”

I shrug. “I don’t know, exactly. I’m not an expert on that, but I’ll do my best to answer. Earth orbits the sun because it formed there. There’s different hypotheses for the origin of the planet. Some think it has to do with a nebula. Others think it’s because of a deity. I don’t really have an opinion, but I doubt it’s the latter.”

“So you’re an atheist?” Twilight asks. She seems to be truly surprised.

I’ve got a perfect chance to bring up Epona. But I don’t. “I was. I met a god just yesterday. I guess I’m not an atheist anymore, then.”

“Technically, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna aren’t goddesses. They’re close, though. I believe the term is demigoddess.”

Spike walks in, interrupting the conversation. “I just got a letter from Princess Celestia. It’s for Mark.”

I take the letter. “Thanks, Spike.” He leaves the room. I open the letter and read it out loud.

Dear Mark Cleveland

I have recently been informed that you are living with Fluttershy for the time being. To lessen the burden of having to take care of a being belonging to a different species, my sister and I have commissioned a house in Ponyville for you to live in. It will be built within the week. I have another gift for you that I shall personally deliver within the hour.

Princess Celestia

“Like I said, Princess Celestia is very kind. Fluttershy’s got some competition for kindest pony.”

“Princess Celestia was actually the original bearer of the Element of Kindness.” Twilight says with a smile.

“Really?”

She nods, still holding onto that smile of hers. “It’s true.”

Damn. I have even more respect for Princess Celestia.

True to her word, Princess Celestia stops by in less than an hour. Fluttershy and Twilight join me outside. I’ve never seen her, but I can just tell which one she is. Beautiful doesn’t even begin to describe her. Her coat is white, similar to Rarity. Her mane is long and flowing, like Luna’s. She has a picture of a blazing sun on her flank. I still need to ask about those.

Her horn is the longest I’ve seen on a pony. With it, she’s almost as tall as I am. If she wanted to, she could easily poke my eyes out with no difficulty. “Hello, my little ponies. And a fond hello to the only human in Equestria.” She smiles at the three of us.

I give her a bow. “Hello, Princess Celestia. It’s an honor to meet you.”

“And an honor to meet you, Mark.” She says, tipping her head slightly at me. “And you don’t have to bow to me.”

“It shows respect, which you deserve.” I stop bowing and I notice that Princess Celestia is slightly blushing. Damn, I’m good with girls. So why am I single? Probably because I’ve only been in Equestria for a few days.

“The reason I’m here, Mark, is to give you a gift. You’ll need it.”

She pulls out a small bag from somewhere with her magic. The small bag floats over to me. I catch it. It’s heavier than I thought. I pull the string on it. The bag opens, revealing several golden coins. “What are these?”

“These are bits. They’re the currency Equestria uses.” Celestia says. “There are 3,000 bits in that bag for you.”

“Damn.” I don’t know how much a bit is worth, but it sounds like a lot. The gasp from Twilight and Fluttershy, who I briefly forgot were here, implies that it is. “Thank you, Princess Celestia. Is there anything I can give you as thanks?”

“Just your words are enough, Mark.” Celestia says, giving me a faint bow. She spreads her wings, ready to take off for Canterlot. “One more thing: If you learn anything about friendship, write a letter and give it to Twilight.”

“I will.”

Princess Celestia takes off. I turn to Twilight and Fluttershy. If these two are anything like the girls I knew on Earth… “So, since I just got a lot of money, want to go on a shopping trip?”

“Aren’t you still sick?” Twilight asks, raising an eyebrow.

“I got better.” I have to force myself to not use a British accent. Twilight narrows her eyes slightly. “Applejack gave me some medicine. I guess it helped me already. Medicine usually works fast on me.”

Twilight’s accusatory gaze drops. “I would be willing to. What about you, Fluttershy?” She turns around, discovering that Fluttershy somehow disappeared. Probably into her house. “Fluttershy?” She repeats. Twilight turns back to me. “I guess she doesn’t want to go shopping.”

I shrug. “We can invite the others.”

“Rarity would definitely want to. I doubt Applejack and Rainbow would want to. I’m not sure about Pinkie, though. We’ll have to ask her.”

“We should ask them all.”

10: Money, Money, Money

Author's Note

This chapter was released before Amending Fences. That's why I used the name Colgate instead of Minuette and why the personalities are different. For the sake of continuity in this fanfic, anytime she comes up, I'll be referring to her as Colgate and stick with the same personality.

10: Money, Money, Money

I follow Twilight to Carousel Boutique. I knock on the door. It opens in a few seconds. “Oh! Mark and Twilight, what a pleasant surprise.” Rarity says. “I nearly have your wardrobe complete, Mark. Are you here to see it?”

“No, actually.” I reply. Rarity’s ears droop slightly. “Twilight and I have a request for you to join us on a shopping trip.”

Rarity’s ears go back to their original position. “Oh. I would love to. Give me some time to get ready.” She closes the door.

I lean against the building. “Oh, Twilight. I meant to ask about the pictures on all the ponies’ flanks. Are they tattoos or something?” I wouldn’t be surprised if they were something similar. I’ve heard of cultures and even families where tattoos are practically mandatory.

“These?” She gestures to hers. “These are Cutie Marks. Every pony has a unique cutie mark. They display what each and every pony is skilled at.”

I remember the Cutie Marks of the ponies I’ve met so far. “So… You’re skilled at… Magic?” She nods with a prideful smile. “Rarity’s good at… looking good?”

“Well, yes, she is. That’s not what her Cutie Mark is about, though. It’s actually about finding gems.” She corrects.

“Pinkie’s good with setting up decorations? No, parties.” I say. Twilight nods. “Fluttershy’s good with animals, that I know. Applejack’s good at farming.” I think about what Rainbow Dash is good at. The Sonic Rainboom she did and her last name kind of imply she’s good at moving fast. “Is she a racer?”

“That she is.” Twilight says, giving me a metaphorical pat on the back. “You’re good at that.”

“What about the mare with the bubbles for a Cutie Mark?” I ask, referring to the mail mare with the wall eyes. Her name escapes me. “What do those mean? She’s good at swimming?”

Twilight looks up in thought. “I don’t actually know. I don’t know her very well.”

Huh. “If I see her, I’ll ask about her Cutie Mark.” Would that be disrespectful? Asking somepony I don’t even remember the name of about their destiny? I don’t think it would be.

The door of Carousel Boutique opens, revealing Rarity with a large bag and several smaller bags. I can tell the small ones are filled with bits. “I’m ready!” She says in a singsong voice.

“You don’t have to bring any money. I’ve got some.” I hold up my bag.

She looks at it, almost with a glare. “I can spend my own money, thank you very much.” She says. “In fact, I have enough money that I’m willing to spend for the three of us, I’m sure.”

“How much?”

“Just over a thousand bits.” She says with a smile.

“I’ve got three thousand in here.”

Her glare shifts into astonishment. “W-What? In that small bag? How? And how did you get it so soon?”

“Princess Celestia was just here. She gave this to me.” I reply. “I’m guessing Princess Celestia put an enchantment on the bag to make it bigger on the inside or something.” Or maybe there’s coins of different values. I know that the United States has bills over $100, but I’ve never seen one in person. Equestria could easily have bits worth more than just 1.

Rarity almost faints. “And I missed her…” Just in case she actually does faint, I take a step closer to her and get ready to catch her.

“She only stayed here for about a minute.” Twilight says. “Only Mark, Fluttershy, and I saw Princess Celestia. Everypony else missed her, too.”

That seems to reassure Rarity enough so that she doesn’t pass out. Rarity lets out a breath of air. “Oh well… It’s not like I haven’t met Princess Celestia. It would be quite an honor if I could again. Though, knowing Mark is an honor itself. I’m sure many ponies would kill to even look at him for a second, and I am friends with you.” She glances at me. I think I see a faint blush on her cheeks.

“Thanks, Rarity. It’s actually pretty cool to be labelled a mythical creature.” I say. Rarity seems to take my comment badly. I can tell by the look of discomfort on her face. “That’s a compliment. Not sarcastic. Sorry if I said it harshly.”

“Oh, it’s quite alright, Mark.” Rarity replies. If there wasn’t a blush on her face, there is one now. I can tell this one’s due to nervousness or something similar.

Twilight jumps in. “Sorry to intrude, but aren’t we going to go shopping?”

“Yes we are. Sorry. Got kinda lost in the conversation.” I say. “Pinkie’s up next, right?”

“Yes, she is. She’ll be at Sugarcube Corner right about now.” Twilight replies.

The three of us head to Sugarcube Corner. I get several different looks from ponies. Most are either looks of fear or disgust. I can count on one hand the looks that are remotely positive. One of them comes from Lyra. I’m going to have to talk with her later, if she’s so interested in humans.

Fortunately, none of the ponies are trying to drive me out of town. I guess they don’t have any pitchforks and torches.

When we get to Sugarcube Corner, Twilight knocks on the door. It doesn’t open, but something pink lands in the bush next to their doors. Pinkie sticks her head out of the bush. “Hi! What’s going on?” She asks.

Twilight has a face on that says something along the lines of ‘what the hell did I just see.’ Rarity’s implies that she’s used to this kind of action. “Mark, Rarity, and I wanted to know if you wanted to go shopping with us.”

Pinkie steps out of the bush and walks over to the door. “Not today. I have things to do.” She opens the door. “Could you pick up some balloons for me, though? I ran out.” Pinkie looks up at the balcony she fell from with a grimace.

“Yeah, sure.” I say. “So, why did you fall from there?”

“It’s the reason why I need balloons…” She says simply. “I’ll need exactly 53 balloons.”

“That’s pretty specific. I don’t know if they’ll have exactly 53 balloons for sale.” I’ve never heard of anybody selling such a strange amount of anything on Earth. I don’t expect that to change with Equestria.

“I don’t know of any stores in Equestria to be like that. Good luck, you three!” Pinkie says before phasing through the door into Sugarcube Corner.

I stare at where the laws of physics have just been broken. “What the hell did I just see?”

“That was Pinkie being Pinkie.” Twilight explains. I use the term ‘explain’ very loosely. “Sometimes, I think she does that more than Discord.”

“Who’s Discord?”

“Just an all-powerful spirit with the ability to alter the world around us.” She says with a wave of her hoof. “You don’t have to worry about him. Fluttershy made him good.”

Alter the world? Like that one guy from Star Trek? I think he’s from Star Trek, at least. I’ll admit that I haven’t seen many episodes of it. I prefer Star Wars. “So where do Applejack and Rainbow Dash live?”

“Applejack lives at Sweet Apple Acres. Rainbow in Cloudsdale.” Rarity says. Cloudsdale. Like Clydesdale. I manage to keep myself from laughing, but I can’t wipe the smile from my face.

“What’s funny about that, Mark?” Twilight asks in an almost accusatory tone.

Are there not any Clydesdales in Equestria? I guess it would make sense. I’ve only seen four different species of ponies here. “Ah, don’t worry about it. It’s just something that reminded me of something from Earth.”

We head over to Sweet Apple Acres. Like I expected, Applejack denied the offer. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. The sheer size of the place kind of made me blank out for a bit. Since Applejack isn’t following us, I’m assuming she said no.

After leaving the farm, we ran into Rainbow. She gave us the same answer that Applejack did. Once again, I’m just assuming. She didn’t follow us, either.

“So, where are we going shopping?” I ask once my mind decides to function normally.

“Wasn’t it your decision to go, Mark?” Rarity asks.

“You know Equestria better than I do.” I point out.

“There’s a small market in the center of town.” Twilight says. “It’s far from a mall, but there are some stalls I regularly buy from.”

“Is this where Rainbow Dash almost accidentally sold Fluttershy?” Rarity asks.

“What? Did I hear that right?” I ask. “How do you accidentally sell somebody?”

“Almost accidentally.” Rarity corrects me. “It’s a long story, Mark.”

I bet it is. “I’ll have to hear it sometime. I also want to know more about that Discord guy.”

I follow the mares to the market. They tell me the story about their last trip to the market. I’m still trying to wrap my head around how Rainbow ‘almost accidentally’ sold Fluttershy into what may or may not have been slavery. Maybe just ignoring that would be best for the state of my mind. On that subject, they also told me about Discord. From what I gathered from their description of his appearance, he looks like something either Pablo Picasso or Salvador Dali would paint. His mind is slightly more intact than Sheogorath’s. Also, he was sealed in stone at least twice. The way Twilight and Rarity said, it implied he was sentient during those times. That reminded me terribly of that song by Metallica, One.

Twilight asks me what the headphones are. Rarity explains it to her. “Mark, the technology from your world must have been absolutely amazing!” If we weren’t walking, she’d probably have fainted by now.

“Yeah, it was pretty cool. There are ways to talk to people on the other side of the planet with these little rectangular things called phones.”

She stops for half a second, then continues. “Phones?” She asks. For a second, I think she’s familiar with them. I very much highly doubt she does. If so, they would have to be primitive phones from when they were first invented.

“Yep. Short for cell phones, which is short for cellular telephones. About ten years before I came to Equestria, on Earth, they could only be used to talk to other people at distances. Now, they’re used for pretty much everything. Playing games, taking pictures, calculating basic math problems, drawing. writing, and so on.”

“Wow.” Rarity says. “I’m certain they could be used for several types of business…”

“Definitely. Cell phones were pretty much just basic portable computers. Don’t let the name confuse you. Computers do a lot more than just computing things.” I sound like an advertiser.

“How long were these devices around before you… You know.”

Before I died. I know why she doesn’t want to say it. “Before I came here, you mean.” Rarity nods with a twinge of sadness for touching on the subject. “They were around for around 50 years. The size of them, for both, has changed a lot. Computers used to take up the size of the main room in Carousel Boutique.”

“By Celestia, they must have been very powerful!” Rarity says. Her eyes open to the size of dinnerplates. Mind the cliche, but it’s very accurate. I feel like I’m in an old cartoon. The talking technicolor ponies would certainly be a hint.

“Very. Computers were actually made to be used to get into orbit around the planet.” Twilight stops dead in her tracks. I do too, followed by Rarity. Twilight opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. “Are you okay?”

Her response comes a few seconds later. She shakes her head rapidly. “I don’t know.”

I smile and almost laugh. “I’ll tell you more about it later, then. If just that gets you to be like this, just wait. You’ll have to sit down for it.”

“I would like to know more about your world as well, Mark.” Rarity says.

“I can do that. I’ll tell the other ponies, too.” Rainbow Dash would definitely be interested in something that can send something into orbit. More specifically, the amount of speed involved. Applejack and Fluttershy probably wouldn’t be too interested. As for Pinkie, I have no idea what goes on in her mind. Lyra would just want to know everything about Earth, if what I know about her is true.

Now that I think about it, I don’t have a lot of friends here. Just Twilight, the other Elements of Harmony, and Princess Luna. I could find a friend in Lyra. The only other ponies I’ve met and know by name are Princess Celestia and that mail mare, Derpy. I don’t think I could pull of a regular friendship with the leader of the country. Since that’s the case, I could probably scratch Luna off the list of my friends. She’s at least an acquaintance. Even if she isn’t on the list, I still have more friends here than I ever did on Earth.

Spike is somewhere on the list. I don’t know where to put him, though. I’d like to get to know him more. How many humans can say they’re friends with a dragon?

Sometime during my ride on the Train of Thought, we arrive at the marketplace. It’s not very crowded or big, and is certainly not Pike’s Place. I can count the amount of shops here on both of my hands.

“I think the most necessary stand would be Colgate’s. I don’t think you’ve brushed your teeth yet.” Twilight says. A blush forms on her face. “I mean, I don’t want to disrespect you, but-”

“Yeah, I get you.” I interrupt. Twilight’s right. I haven’t brushed my teeth since I got to Equestria. My mouth probably smells worse than Comic Con in a submarine.

The two mares walk up to a small stall. The unicorn mare working at it has a coat similar in color to Rainbow Dash. Her two toned hair is dark blue and ice white. I notice that her cutie mark is an hour glass, rather than the expected stethoscope or tooth. She’s also pretty cute. Why are all of the ponies here cute? Not that I’m complaining.

“Hello, Colgate.” Rarity says to the unicorn at the stall.

“Hello, Rarity.” The unicorn, Colgate, looks up at us. She almost jumps back when she notices me. Her breathing is heavy. It takes a second for it to return to its normal pace. “Did you talk to Lyra?” She says. I'm assuming it's directed at me.

“Sort of. She fainted after seeing me.” I say. The memory of it makes me smile.

Colgate does, too. “She’s gonna talk to you again soon. If I know anything about Lyra, she’s got an interest in humans. I think Twilight’s got some competition.”

Twilight grunts. “I beg to differ, Colgate. I know more about humans than Lyra does.”

“Maybe you do, Twilight.” Colgate’s smile grows. “I’m guessing you didn’t come here to just talk.”

“Right. Mark here needs dental work.”

“You came to the right mare. I’ll need you to fill out some papers, Mark.” Colgate says. She hands me some papers, a feather, and an inkwell. I tell her that I already have a pen. The ponies look at my pen like almost like it’s some deity’s artifact. Ignoring their looks, I fill out the papers and give them back to Colgate. She takes them and tells me to come to the stall in a few days.

The next stall we go to is a general store. I get a straight razor and some shaving cream. Even if they had some of those safety razors that I’m used to, I’d still get a straight razor. One of the reasons is if I ever become a barber and need a few meat pies…

God, I need to visit a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, there aren’t any around. The only other stalls in the area is one belonging to a blacksmith. A real blacksmith.

Twilight sees me nerding out over the thing that would make any fantasy fan nerd out. “Do you want to talk to her?”

Oh. She probably thinks that I think the mare working at the stall is cute. I mean, she is. The earth pony has a dark chestnut coat. Her mane, unlike most of the other ponies, resembles one from a horse on Earth. Her mane looks like it hasn’t been taken care of. On a human, I find that to be attractive. From this distance, I can’t tell what her cutie mark is. It’s probably a hammer. Though, if Colgate is any foreshadowing, it could be anything unrelated to blacksmithing. Maybe a shoe, or something.

The smithy catches me looking at her. I guess I’m obligated to talk to her, now. I shrug. “I’ll talk to her, I guess.”

I walk up to the stall. “Hello, human.” She says to me. I can’t exactly place her tone. Bored is probably the closest I can get. “Yeah, I pay attention to the news. I also saw you looking at me.”

“I’m still getting used to the talking horses.” I say. “I haven’t seen one running a forge.”

The smithy smiles. “Get used to it. I just moved to Ponyville a few days ago. I’ve been everywhere, man. Appaloosa. Canterlot. Manehattan. Vanhoover, even.”

“Alright, Johnny Cash.”

“What?” She asks. “My name’s Hammersmith Apollo, not Johnny Cash.”

I need to remember to stop referencing things. “Right, right. So, Apollo--”

“Just call me Hammer.”

“Hammer, then. What do you sell?”

She shrugs. “Hammers. Screwdrivers. Sledges. I make tools for construction.”

Then I don’t really have any reason to be here. I should get something so I don’t seem like I’m trying to get Hammer in bed. “I’ll take a hammer.”

“Any kind you prefer? Ball-peen? Claw? Sledge? Lump?”

I only recognize two of those. “Uh… Claw.”

“13 bits.” She says. I give her the amount and she gives me a hammer.

When I return to the mares, Rarity looks at the hammer and shakes her head. “And here I thought you were developing a crush.”

“Maybe I did. If I did, who’s to say it was on Hammersmith over there?”

“And you even know her name. I think you do have a crush on her!” Rarity accuses.

I’m pretty sure Rarity’s going to keep on this for a while. So why not have a little fun? “I’ve got a crush on somepony, sure. It’s not Hammer, though.”

“You’ve even got a nickname for her.”

“It’s not my nickname for her, Rares.” I say, putting emphasis on the last word with a chuckle.

A deep blush forms on her face. She tries to say something, but just fumbles with her words. I laugh, and so does Twilight. “...Are you saying that you have a crush on me?”

“You say that like nobody’s had a crush on you yet.”

“Nopony.” Rarity corrects. “And I know that several ponies have had crushes on me before. It’s not just exclusive to stallions. Or ponies.”

I don’t know any creatures here in Equestria that aren’t ponies. Just Spike. I doubt she’s referring to him, though. I mean, dragons eat horses. Although, after seeing him at the table and not seeing anypony freaking out about him kind of implies that’s not how dragons act in Equestria. They probably eat something else. Gems, maybe? With Rarity’s talent, that could easily be what Spike eats. He’d have an easy food source, if that’s the case.

During my ride on the Train of Thought, I notice that the sun is starting to set. I also notice that I’m really tired. I bid the two mares a temporary farewell as I head to Fluttershy’s home.

I’m too tired to engage in a real conversation with her. I will in the morning.

11: Money for Nothing

“Mark Cleveland.” Epona’s voice says. “Are you enjoying your stay in Equestria so far?” It’s been a while since I’ve heard Epona’s voice. After hearing that song with her name in it, it’s also kind of weird. I realize that the singer’s voice kind of resembles Epona’s, but slightly deeper.

“Yes I have, Epona. Literally every pony I’ve seen is cute. All of the Elements. Lyra. That dentist, Colgate. The blacksmith, Hammer.”

“Am I included?” Epona asks. I can’t tell if she’s joking or not.

“Cute? Yeah, I would say so.” She seems to blush. The atmosphere in this realm is kind of messing with my vision, so I can’t exactly tell. Now, it seems to blur Epona’s face enough so I can’t tell any of her emotions.

“Thank you, Mark Cleveland.” Epona says, bowing her head slightly.

“Oh, before you go. I was sick today.”

“I have noticed. I can say honestly that I aided in your recovery. I don’t wish for you to spend your days in Equestria sick.”

“Agreed. Down with the sickness.”

“Indeed, Mark. Sickness is terrible. There are gods that are sickness ponified.”

“Ponified? Is that like personified?”

She tilts her head slightly. Her eyes light up for a second. Her head returns to its original position. “Yes, Mark Cleveland. You will have to get used to the vocabulary that I, and the Equestrians, use.”

“I’ve been trying to. They’ve been helping me out.”

“Do or do not, Mark Cleveland.” She says. She doesn’t say it like how Yoda did. “Trying means nothing. Do or do not.”

“Yes, Epona. I will.” I say.

Epona nods. Her eyes light up and my vision fades to black.

When I wake up, unlike yesterday, I don’t feel like I have to throw up. Despite this, there are a few bottles of medicine with a piece of paper next to them.

Just in case.
-AJ

The note has terrible handwriting. It takes me a solid minute to identify the letters. It’s probably because ponies don’t exactly have hands. How do they even write? I guess they use their mouths.

Now that I think about it, how do these ponies do what they do without hands at all? I get how unicorns and alicorns get by, but what about pegasi and earth ponies?

Thinking about that is going to give me a migraine, so I push the thought from my mind.

I get out of bed and into the kitchen. Fluttershy has already finished making food. She’s living up to her Element. I mean, picking up a strange alien creature and letting it live in your house is pretty nice. It’s also arguably pretty stupid. What if the alien’s like General Grievous?

I push that thought from my mind too. I would want to see General Grievous in Equestria. It wouldn’t end well.

God, I need to put my brain on a leash. It wouldn’t get lost in itself so much.

The food Fluttershy made, like always, is amazing. “Oh, before you go, Mark. There’s something I need to give you. You’re going to be moving out soon…” Fluttershy sounds almost depressed. I really want to hug her now. I mean, more than I wanted to before. Nothing is cuter than something already deemed cute being slightly depressed. “So… I’ve had a key to my house made for you. You can use it whenever you need to. Or want to. If that’s okay with you, I mean.”

“It’s okay with me.” I say. She lets out a breath of what I assume to be relief. Her wings also unfold. “Thanks for trusting me, Fluttershy. You’re a great friend.”

She smiles. “You are, too. I’ve only known you for a few days. I almost don’t want you to leave yet.”

“I won’t be leaving yet, Flutters. I’m still here.”

“You won’t be for long.”

“You make it sound like I’m moving out of the country. I’m just going to be moving out of the house. I’ll still be in Ponyville.”

Fluttershy starts to calm down a bit. “You’re right… I’m sorry.”

“What’s there to be sorry for, Fluttershy? I get it. You care about me. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I care about you.” To prove my point, and to satisfy some desires, I get out of the chair and hug the pegasus.

Her fur is soft, like a pillow filled with feathers. Combined with the mild and comfortable warmth she radiates, I could use her as a pillow. She smells of chickens and, although faintly, strawberries. The combination is like my own little piece of heaven.

The hug eventually breaks. “You’re so… cold…” Fluttershy notices.

“Humans don’t have coats.” I explain. “And you’re so hot.”

Fluttershy blushes. I’m sure I do, too. That was an accidental pickup line. “Well… thank you, Mark.” She says after a short, painful silence.

“Hot in that warm way. I mean temperature. You have a high body heat.” I try to say quickly. It doesn’t seem to work. I feel like I’m about to die from embarrassment. “I mean, you’re cute and all, but…”

Instead of brutally murdering me, Fluttershy just smiles. Her mercy is cruel. “It’s okay, Mark. I understand what you mean. Y-You’re of a different species.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “Well, I’m gonna go out for a walk.”

“Can I join?”

“Yeah. You don’t have to ask. If you want to walk with me, join me. There might be some times where I want to be alone.” I say to her after standing up. “That’s only when I’m really depressed, though. Equestria’s so happy that I don’t think that’ll happen.”

“I hope it doesn’t. I’d hate to see you sad.”

“It takes a lot to get me that sad.”

I open the door and allow Fluttershy to enter first. Is it chivalry? Nope. It’s noble. Since I’ve got the goddess of nobility, among other things, I’m kind of forced to be noble. It’s pretty easy. I’ve been like that on Earth.

The two of us walk along the outskirts of Ponyville. We stay out of Everfree. Fluttershy, when we first met, told me it’s scary in there. I’ve never been very fond of being scared. Despite that, Halloween’s always been one of my favorite holidays. I guess it’s just stopped being scary. I mean, unless people dressing up as fairy princesses is scary.

Eventually, we wander over towards Sweet Apple Acres. I remember something I told Applejack yesterday. “Fluttershy, I told Applejack that I was going to help around the farm when I got better. So…”

She nods reluctantly. She looks down. “I understand… I’ll go back home.” She starts to turn away.

Dammit. I think I made her sad. She’s gone before I get the chance to tell her I didn’t mean it like that. Should I stay here or should I go and get her?

...I can go back to Fluttershy once I’m done here. I doubt it’ll take long.

I walk into the farm. Applejack notices and trots up to me. “Hiya, Mark. What’s up?” I notice she’s breathing heavily. There’s a bead of sweat on her forehead.

“I was just walking around the neighborhood with Fluttershy. We just parted ways.” I explain. “I was wondering if I could help out around the farm.”

“Yeah, you can. Ah was just takin’ a break from buckin’ trees. Have yah ever bucked a tree before?”

“I don’t even know what tree bucking is.”

She looks at me with a puzzled look on her face. “So how did humans get apples offa trees?”

“We just picked them one by one.” I say.

“That must take days.”

“I wouldn’t know. I’ve never worked on a farm before. Well, not out on the field. I did work with a race horse once, though. I wasn’t it’s trainer or anything. I just helped feed the horse.”

“Was it fast?”

I shrug. “I guess so. He wasn’t a Secretariat.”

Applejack stops walking. At first I think it’s because of what I said. Then I realize we’re at the base of a tree. It has a few buckets at its base. “Well, Ah don’t know what Secretariat is.”

“He was a fast horse. I’m not an expert on horse racing. He ran around a 2-ish kilometer track in less than two minutes.”

Applejack lets out a low whistle. “No wings, either. Damn. That’s pretty fast. Tell RD about ‘im.”

I chuckle at the thought. “She’d be more interested in Secretariat than she is in the Wonderbolts. I don’t actually know much about Secretariat, so I probably shouldn’t.”

“It’d prob’ly be a good idea tah mention ‘im at least, though.”

“Maybe I will. So, how do ponies buck trees?”

“Like this.” She rears up her back half. She loads up her rear legs like a spring. They unleash, hitting the tree with so much force that I wouldn’t be surprised if it broke. The tree actually wobbles. Damn. This pony is strong. I shouldn’t get her mad at me.

Adding to the awesomeness I just witnessed, all of the apples in the tree fall out and into the buckets. They’re also perfectly filled up.

“Did you plan that?” I ask once the shock wears off.

Applejack chuckles softly. The blush on her face is faint. “Nope. It’s just luck.”

I don’t know if I can believe that. “If you say so.” I walk over to a nearby tree with apples in it. “So, I just kick it? That’s not how we got apples off trees back on Earth.”

“So how’d yah do it?”

I shrug. “Like I said, I wasn’t a farmer. We just picked them one by one.”

“That must take days! With buckin’, the entire farm can be cleared in a day or two.” Applejack says, beaming with pride.

“Yeah, it takes a while. I’m pretty sure most farms have more than one able-bodied worker, though.” I point out. “I think we’ve got machines that can help, too.”

Applejack puts on a pained face, like she just remembered something horrible. “Like those barbershop goons…” She says. I ask what she means. She tells me about these two guys that tried to take over the farm.

“They sound like assholes.” I say once the story is over.

“Eh. They were. They were nice singers, though.”

“I would have to be the judge of that.” I kick the tree. My foot bounces off without knocking off a single apple. I also hear something in my knee pop. It hurts a bit, but I can ignore it.

“Y’okay?” Applejack asks. She probably heard my mild injury.

“Yep.” I say without taking my eyes off the tree. Just kicking it from here won’t work. Maybe a running kick…

I take a few steps back, then sprint for the tree. At a meter away from it, I jump and kick the tree with both feet. I fall to the ground face first. To say the least, it hurts like a bitch.

Adding insult to injury, an apple falls on my head. It’s also the only apple that falls off. “I’ll just stick to picking apples.” I say, pulling my face from the ground. I pull a leaf from my cheek.

Applejack tries not to laugh. She fails. I’m sure if I was in her hooves, I’d be doing the same. I stand back up. “Y’okay?”

“I’ve been better.” I admit. I pick up the apple that I knocked off. “Did I at least look cool?”

“For a second there, yeah.” Applejack says. “It kinda went downhill after you fell on your face.”

I chuckle at my own failure. AJ joins me. “I guess that makes it good, then.” The soft laughter stops in a few seconds. “Do I have any cuts on my face?”

“Uh… yeah. A few.” Applejack says. She observes my face. “Yep. You’ve got some cuts. Ah’m no expert, but those’ll prob’ly scar.”

“They wouldn’t be the first scars I’ve gotten from doing stupid things.” I sigh and sit up. “They probably won’t be the last, either.” I stand up. “So… Do you have any different tips for getting apples out of trees? Or is there something else I can do to help around the farm?”

“From what just happened, apple buckin’s prob’ly not fer yah. The barn needs some paintin’ done.” Applejack says.

“I can paint. It’d also give me more of a chance to meet the rest of the Apples.” I’d like to meet her parents.

I follow the country mare to the barn. It’s not very big. My house back in Seattle was bigger. Applejack heads off somewhere and comes back with a few buckets of paint and some brushes balanced perfectly on her back. I take them off.

Applejack opens up the buckets with her mouth. The color of the paint is red. Like most stereotypical American barns.

The two of us paint the barn over a period of about two hours. She takes care of the bottom half of the barn and I take care of the top.

The air is starting to get hot. Having lived north in a rainy area, I’m not exactly used to, or a fan of, the heat. So I take off my shirt. Even a blind man could see Applejack staring at them the way she’s staring at me. I’m guessing it’s either because I’m just really sexy, or because she hasn’t seen me without a shirt yet and is just studying my body. I’m going to go with the former.

“Yah might wanna show yourself to Twilight.” She says to me. Dammit. I guess it was the latter.

“Yeah, I probably will. That Lyra girl would probably want to see me, too.”

Applejack chuckles. “Yep. She might wanna see a bit more, if yah catch mah drift.”

“I think I do.” I say. The thought of being naked in front of a creature with a fascination with humans is a little more than uncomfortable. After all, it’s both illegal and a serious taboo on Earth. It’s only been a few days and I’m still getting used to Equestria. Especially the talking ponies. It helps that they’re all very human.

Eventually, we finish painting the barn. I put my shirt on and follow Applejack to the farmhouse. Inside, there are three ponies at a table, all looking away from me. A large stallion with what looks like a wooden collar around his neck, an old mare, and a young filly without a cutie mark.

“I’m back. Brought a friend, too.” Applejack says. The three turn around. They’re a bit more than mildly surprised to see something twice their size, four times in the filly’s case.

“Hi.” I say. “I’m a friend of Applejack’s. Before you ask, I’m a human. Not an ape. My name is Mark Cleveland.”

“Well, any friend of Applejack’s is a friend of mine.” The older one says. “Aren’t humans myths?”

“Not anymore.” I say. If the context of that was different, that would have been pretty badass. I’ll have to remember to use that line later.

The big stallion turns to Applejack. “What’d yah two do?” He asks. He almost sounds depressed.

“Painted the barn.” Applejack says. She sits at the table. “You gonna join us for lunch, Mark?”

Lunch already? Damn. I skipped breakfast. “I don’t have a reason to say no. I’d like to, if it’s okay with all of you.”

“Yep.” The stallion says. The older mare and filly nod.

I sit between Applejack and the stallion. “So, what are all of your names?” They answer me. The older mare is Granny Smith, which I should have expected. The stallion is Big Mac. The filly is Apple Bloom.

The lunch is made entirely out of apples. I’m talking applesauce, apple juice, and even apple pie. Who eats pie at lunch? Apparently the Apple family does. Probably Pinkie, too. Although, she, despite her last name being ‘Pie’, seems to be more of a fan of cake.

“So what’s that ‘round yer neck?” Apple Bloom asks.

“Headphones. They’re used to play music from the little speakers inside them. It doesn’t hurt, depending on how loud I play the music.” I explain.

“Oh, have yah talked to Vinyl Scratch yet?” Applejack asks.

A DJ? In Equestria? This place feels like it’s in the 1600’s. They’ve never heard of headphones, but they’ve got disc jockeys. If my English teacher lived here, he’d have a heart attack from this anachronism personified. Is it a personification if it’s part of a land? There’s a reason why I didn’t do very good in English. “Not yet. Where is he?”

“She lives in Ponyville.” Applejack says. A female DJ, too? I’ll be honest, I’ve never heard of a female DJ. I should have seen it coming from a place with a female to male ratio of around 10:1. “Ah dunno her address, though. You’ll know Vinyl when you see her.”

“Alright. I’ll keep an eye out.” I say. We finish the food. Shortly after lunch, I talk to Applejack outside. “Was that everypony that lives here?” I ask, having the parents in mind.

“Yep.” Applejack says with a sigh. Oh.

Oh…

“Okay, then.” I say, ignoring what was implied. It wasn’t really an implication, though. With just that one word, I know her parents are dead. I don’t know old Applejack is, but it must have been tough. Especially tough for Apple Bloom…

“There are reunions, though, if yah wanna go to one.” She says, taking me from my thoughts. Thank you, Applejack.

“Maybe. I’ve never been to a family reunion, so I wouldn’t know what to expect.”

“Yah’ve never been to a family reunion?”

“Nope. Most of my family was in a 50-ish kilometer radius. We’ve never really moved around.” I explain. “Although, before I came to Equestria,” Applejack puts another pained look on her face, remembering that I died before getting here, “I had plans on moving to a different city. The one I lived in was very rainy. I wanted to live in a warmer area with less rain.”

“Rain can be tough. What was the place like?”

“Huge. Bigger than Canterlot and Ponyville combined.” Applejack gasps. “The place I wanted to live was over twice as big as where I used to live.”

“Celestia…”

“Yep. Earth has some pretty big cities.” I say. “The buildings were pretty damn tall, too. The tallest one in the world, in a city about four times the size of where I wanted to move,” Applejack almost faints, “was a little over 800 meters.” Applejack is speechless.

“...You know a lot about buildings.”

I shrug. “It’s kind of common knowledge back on Earth. Not a lot of my friends knew the heights of buildings, though.” Of course, most of my friends were idiots. The rest of them were either high or drunk half of the time. I seem to attract a lot of people like that.

12: A Day in the Life

Shortly after lunch with the Apple family, I leave Sweet Apple Acres for Ponyville. I don't have an exact destination in mind. I should probably check up on Pinkie Pie. I haven't been giving her nearly as much attention as I have to the other Elements.

Once I make it to Sugarcube Corner, I am tempted to knock on the door. It may be a public building, but ponies do live here. Ignoring habit, I enter the store. "Hi, Markie!" A high pitched voice belonging to a certain pink earth pony says, piercing through my headphones. I take them off. Pinkie, who just spoke, is behind the counter. Nopony else is in the lobby.

"Hey, Pinkie." I say to her. "Is there any chance I could work here for a day or two? I just want to help around. There's no reason to pay me."

"Yep!" Pinkie says. I think she's cursed to always sound happy. It might not be a curse, though. "Just jump on back here!"

"No papers or anything I have to sign?"

"Not if you don't want to be payed." She says, further proving that I'm really far from Earth. I've always hated signing papers, so I can live with this.

"Alright." I say. I slide over the countertop like I'm in a 70's TV show. The landing makes it seem like I'm in a parody of a 70's TV show. For the second time in a few hours, I land on my face.

"Are you okay?" Pinkie asks. That's the first time I've heard her in a tone that isn't 100% happy. This tone is at least 20% worried.

"Don't worry. This isn't the first time I've fallen on my face today." I stand up. "Wanna know how I got these cuts?" I say. I explain the mildly embarrassing story to Pinkie. Pinkie laughs at my failure. It is pretty damn funny, so I join her.

The chime of a bell interrupts us. A dark violet unicorn mare with a dark green mane walks in. When she locks eyes with me, she smiles widely. "Dear Celestia, the human is here!" She almost faints. "C-Can I get your autograph?"

An… autograph? I get that I'm the only human in Equestria, but an autograph? Damn. I'm famous for doing nothing. I should change my last name to Kardashian.

"Uh… Yeah. To who?" I pull out my pen. For some reason, I didn't leave it at Fluttershy's.

The unicorn gasps in surprised. "M-M-Moonshine. My friends call me Shine."

Moonshine. Like the drink. "Okay, Shine. Do you have anything for me to sign?" I ask. That rhyme was unintentional. She's too starstruck to answer. I never expected anybody, and definitely not anypony, to be starstruck over me. "Didn't have anything prepared?"

"No… Uh… Can you sign my horn?" She asks. There's a noticeable blush on her cheeks, especially since her coat color is a severe contrast to the pink color of the blush.

"Yes I can. Just get closer so I can actually reach it." Shine does and she leans her head towards me, pointing her horn at my face. If she took a step closer, it would be in my neck. I tap her horn with the pen. She almost falls to her knees. "Y'okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. It's just…" She trails off.

"Just what?"

"Nothing!" She says quickly.

"If it's nothing, why'd you almost fall?"

"I didn't expect it to feel so good." She admits, blushing even more. As I've said before, and plan on saying even more, every single pony I've seen in Equestria is cute.

Eventually, I manage to sign her horn. I have to hold it in my hand. She leaves without getting anything from the store. She says that meeting me is good enough. As she's leaving, I hear her say to herself she's never going to wash her horn. People actually say that?

Once she's gone, I sigh. That was the first time I've given somepony an autograph. I'll probably have to do that a bit more often. I'll have to bring my pen around with me more often. I'm kind of surprised Lyra hasn't asked for one yet, since she's got an interest in my species. Pinkie, unlike me, didn't even seem to notice Moonshine. She's probably walking across her own plane of existence in her mind.

Another customer walks in. The stallion is only mildly surprised by my appearance. I think they're starting to get used to a creature twice their size without any hair and walking on two legs. I'm still trying to get used to the creatures half my size covered in hair and walking on all four legs.

As the customer leaves with his meal, two more ponies, these ones being mares, walk in. The one on the left, a unicorn, doesn't seem to be fazed by my appearance. The one on the right, a pegasus, seems to have a reaction that could either be fear or excitement. The pegasus hurries up and orders her food. The unicorn takes time to think.

The way the unicorn was acting kind of makes me think she just smoked some weed. I lived in a place where it was legal, so I know what a high person looks like. I don't know if the same is for ponies as it is for humans. Hell, I don't even know if there's marijuana in Equestria. I'm going to have to find out, though. Not so I can smoke it. Pinkie could use some, though. She shakes more than a drug addict with withdrawals in the cold.

That's not something I expected to say anytime in my life.

"Is there anything I can cook? Serving is too boring for me." I say to Pinkie when there aren't any customers.

"Yep! We're running short on cupcakes. They're selling fast today." Pinkie says. "You know how to cook, right?"

"Of course I do." I say. "I'm not the best cook, though. I don't think I'm bad enough to set Sugarcube Corner on fire, so it's safe."

Pinkie shows me to the oven, along with the necessary cooking materials. A few of them, I've never seen in my life. A few of them don't exactly seem to be cooking materials. There's an Erlenmeyer flask, one of those glass things with the conical body and flat bottom, among them. I get that a lot of subjects mix with each other, but I didn't expect Home Economics and Chemistry to be like that.

I grab the flask. "What's this for?" I ask Pinkie before she turns away.

Pinkie looks at the flask. "I dunno." She answers simply. "It's probably Twilight's."

"Why did I not see that coming?" I ask rhetorically. "So, cupcakes. I can do this by myself."

"If you need me, just scream!" Pinkie says, then bounces out of the room. Literally bounces. She's strange enough to be in a David Lynch movie.

I shrug off the thought and put my headphones on. It's probably not safe to do that, but I've been around an oven more than once. Ready to Die by Andrew W.K. starts to play. It would be a good song to bake cupcakes to, if I was making them out of humans. Well, since I'm in Equestria, they would have to be made out of ponies. I don't think that would taste very good or go down easily.

Holy shit, my mind is morbid.

A dozen cupcakes later, I open the oven. It smells pretty damn awesome. I take the batch over to where the food is kept and stick them there. Pinkie bounces in, once again literally. I'm just not going to question how she does that to keep my sanity intact.

"Wow, Markie. Those smell amazing!" Pinkie says. Her tongue rolls out of her mouth and is dripping more than a dog. Take some notes, Ivan Pavlov.

"It's a recipe my brother taught me." I reply. Now that I think about it, it's a little strange that someone in the military knew how to make really good cupcakes. The only thing that would be stranger than that would him watching a show targeted at little girls.

"You had a brother?" Pinkie asks.

"Yeah. He was a cool guy. I'm using past tense, not because he's dead or anything." I'm the dead one, but I think Pinkie knows that already. I'm going to have to get used to the whole 'this is sort of the afterlife' thing. It's a little more than surreal. "You'd like him, probably. You've got pretty similar personalities. He likes to make people smile." The fact that he's part of the Canadian military wouldn't give most people that idea.

"I'd love to meet him!" Pinkie says, bouncing up and down on her hooves. Her legs are straight while bouncing. Are her bones made of springs or something?

"I think he'd like to meet you, too." I say. I don't exactly know how he'd react to a talking pink pony with hair that looks like cotton candy.
Pinkie smiles. It's large enough that the corners of her mouth literally go to her ears. Seeing a pink pony smile is uncanny enough. Seeing that smile hitting the ears is even more uncanny. I've seen worse in movies, though.

After giving the cupcakes and recipe to Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie pays me. I tried to go without any pay, but Pinkie's tenacious. I couldn't even convince her to pay me half. She could sell snake oil without the oil.

I leave Sugarcube Corner and head to Carousel Boutique. I don't know if my wardrobe is complete yet, but I should check up on it. Besides, I haven't talked to Rarity much. I haven't been talking to a lot of ponies much.

I enter the building, once again ignoring the urge to knock on the door. Rarity is just inside. She turns to me. "Oh, hello, Mark."

"Hey, Rarity." I reply. "How's my wardrobe coming along?" I ask.

"It's still incomplete." Rarity admits with a sigh. "I'm not used to working with your measurements and proportions. I've worked on only two other bipeds. They were actually half human."

"Minotaurs?" I ask. I kind of hope I'm not right. I remember hearing the myth about the Minotaur in the Labyrinth. I'm not too familiar with the myth because it always creeped me out when I was just a kid.

"Indeed, Mark. Have you been reading about the species of Equestria?" Rarity asks, sounding impressed. "No. Minotaurs are actually part of a mythology from Earth." I say. "So are unicorns and pegasi."

Rarity smiles at that. "So if I were to somehow arrive on your planet, I would be treated as you are here?"

I grimace slightly. I don't like the thought of what some of the sick bastards that call themselves humans would do to her. "Probably not." I say, leaving it at that.

"Oh…" Rarity mutters in a downbeat voice. I think she understood what I implied. The white unicorn replaces her sad look with a happier one, like she has something else on her mind. She walks over to a small chest and opens it. "I nearly forgot to give these to you." A pair of blue shoes float over to me. "Your wardrobe is not complete, as I have said already. I don't want you to leave emtpy hooved, however.. They were made with suede. The material was very difficult to find."

"Isn't suede a kind of leather?" I ask. "Isn't leather illegal in Equestria?" I'm just guessing. I don't know many of the laws here. Since some kinds of leather are made from horses, a pony wearing suede would be like a human wearing human skin.

"Leather is illegal, yes. Suede is as well." Rarity says. "That does not matter with this suede, however. This suede on your shoes is faux."

"Faux? That means fake, right?"

"Yes. Well, no, actually. Faux is Prench for 'false.'"

Prench. Like French. This world's France is probably called Prance, then. Even the names of the places are cute. "So how much do I owe you?"

"None." Rarity replies. I raise an eyebrow. "Being allowed to simply work with your measurements is payment enough. Many fashion designers would do nasty deeds for such opportunities."

"You're really willing to give up a lot of money just for that?"

"Yes I am."

"Well, I'm going to pay you once the wardrobe's complete." I reply.

"Then I won't complete it." She says.

"You're going to get money, Rarity. Like it or not."

"Then I will donate the bits to a charity."

"That's generous of you." I say, fully aware of the fact that she's the Element of Generosity.

Rarity blushes slightly. These ponies are very prone to blushing. I still haven't gotten Pinkie to blush yet. Maybe I have and just haven't noticed it yet. That's entirely possible.

"Was there another reason you stopped by?"

"Not really." I admit. "I guess I could talk with you for a while, assuming you aren't too busy."

"As much as I wish to take a break, I will have to refuse that offer. An old friend from out of town stopped in some time ago and commissioned some clothes." She sighs. "If I could help, I'd give you an offer. I don't know the first thing about fashion or making clothes." I admit. "Good luck, Rarity."

"Thank you, Mark. Feel free to stop by tomorrow. I'm sure the wardrobes will be complete, or nearly complete, by then."

"I'll be sure to do that, Rarity."

13: You and Your Friend

I wander around Ponyville aimlessly. I'm mostly trying to learn the layout of the town. It's nowhere near the size of Seattle, which makes my goal easier.

After some time, I bump into Twilight. "Hey, Mark." She says to me.

"Hi, Twilight. Are you doing anything?"

"I'm just walking and getting some fresh air. What are you doing?"

I shrug. "Wandering around. Memorizing what the town looks like."

"Would you be willing to answer some more questions?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Okay!" Twilight says. "I'm going to get a friend to join us, if it's okay with you."

"Alright. Who is it?"

"Lyra Heartstrings."

"The green unicorn?" Twilight nods. So that's Lyra's last name. "Yeah, she can come. Besides, it would give us a chance to properly meet." I say, recalling our meeting. Passing out doesn't necessarily make a good impression, but it will certainly make you remembered.

"I'll let her know. You can head over to my house while I go find Lyra."

"Alright. Is Spike over?"

"Yes he is."

I head over to Twilight's castle. Because I'm not an asshole, I knock on the door instead of barging in. The door opens, revealing Spike. "Hi, Spike. Can I come in?"

"Twilight's not here."

"I know. I just talked to her before coming over. She's getting Lyra so I can talk with them."

"Oh. Okay, then. Come on in." Spike says, opening the door further.

"So, what do dragons do in a land of ponies?"

"Others stay away. I'm a lucky one. I was born here, so I'm just like a pony."

"But in a dragon's body." I say, knowing where he's going. "You're Twilight's assistant, right? So what do you do with that?"

"I mostly find books and other stuff. I can also send letters to Princess Celestia or other ponies." Spike says with pride.

I can't help but smile at his enthusiasm and cuteness. Damn. Even the boys here are cute.

Are there any pickle jars nearby so I can open them up and regain my manliness?

The two of us talk a bit, mostly about Spike's past as what could be considered Twilight's little brother. Twilight and Lyra walk in shortly after his backstory ends.

"Wow…" Lyra says, looking around the castle. "It's so…"

"Big? Yeah, I get that a lot." Twilight finishes.

"I was going to say shiny, but yeah. It's also big." Lyra locks eyes with me and smiles. I wave at her. She trots over to me with Twilight on her tail. "Hey, Mark. How's it going?"

"Good. I just talked with a baby dragon, so that's cool." I say. "How are you two?"

"I'm doing great." Lyra says, trying to suppress her smile. The key word here is 'try.' The only thing her attempts did is make her face look like she just ate something sour.

"Alright, so let's ask some questions." Twilight says impatiently. "Let's go to my room for this. Spike, could you make us something to eat? Maybe some sandwiches?"

"Sure, Twilight." Spike says. He turns to me. "What do you eat?"

"I'll have what they're having." I say. I might regret saying that. I don't really know what ponies eat. Oats, or something. Carrots, too, I think. Whatever. I can play a non-deadly version of Russian Roulette.

I follow Lyra, who follows Twilight, to the violet unicorn's room. The two of them jump on her bed, which is pretty big. If I had to guess, the size would be Queen. Big for a human and even bigger for a pony. It's a good size for a Princess.

Twilight gets a clipboard and pen in her aura. I don't know where they were before. "So what kind of myths are there?" I ask, kicking off the discussion.

"A lot." Twilight says. "Lyra, would you like to ask the first question?"

Lyra, who's practically vibrating in excitement, nods frantically. "Is it true that humans killed dragons?"

"Starting off with that, I see? It's good that Spike isn't around." Twilight says.

I shrug. "Dragons were mythical on Earth. I mean, aside from a species with dragon in its name, they were. Those ones aren't anything like the mythical ones. Firebreathing flying badasses. Those were mythical, yes. There were also myths of humans killing dragons. I guess the answer's yes and no." Twilight writes that down.

Spike comes in with a plate of at least 10 sandwiches. How did he make them that fast? Twilight takes the plate in her aura and thanks him. Spike leaves the room. "Did humans make things by hand?" She asks.

"Yep, for the most part."

"What do you mean, 'for the most part?'" Lyra asks.

"Humans made things called robots, which are things made of metal that can be told what to do, that can make things that are too hard to make by hand. Things like automobiles or other robots. They're also used to handle dangerous things, like stuff that's radioactive or really hot."

"Wow." Twilight says, writing that down. "Do you know how to make a robot?"

"Not really." I admit. "I'm not really good at making things by hand."

"Did you have magic or wings?" Lyra asks.

"No. Magic didn't exist on Earth. I'm pretty sure, at least. Some could argue that computers are kind of magical." I say. I think I see Twilight nod in agreement. I know I didn't, though. There's no way she's seen a computer. "As for wings, we didn't have any. We've wanted them pretty much all the time, though. We've managed to build things called airplanes, which are basically giant metal birds that can hold people inside." I give a quick description of planes.

"That's… amazing." Twilight says. She remembers to write that down. "How long were they around?"

"Before I came here, you mean?" Twilight nods. "A little over 100 years. Good ones, by my description, came around about 50 years before I came to Equestria." I say.

"Did you have any music?" Lyra asks.

I smile. "Of course we did. I've actually got some." I show her my iPod. "Want to listen to some?"

"Yes." She says. I hand her my iPod and headphones and tell her how it's used.

Twilight sighs. "Okay… I guess that counts as a 'myth.' Did humans follow any deities?"

"Yeah. Some follow many. Some follow one. Some don't follow any. Some don't know who they follow. Some just don't care. Didn't you ask this before?"

"Sort of." Twilight admits. "Did you believe in any deity?"

"Before coming here, no." I say, having Epona in mind.

"What do you mean?" Twilight asks.

I still don't want to bring up the fact that I talk to a literal goddess in my dreams. "Aren't Princess Celestia and Princess Luna goddesses?"

Twilight smiles. "That's debatable. I consider them to be." She sighs. "And then there's Discord and Tirek…"

I've heard of Discord, but not Tirek. "Who?"

"Trust me, you don't want to know about Tirek." She says hastily.

She turns to Lyra, who still has my headphones on. Lyra is bobbing her head to the tune of the song I can't hear. Twilight taps Lyra's foreleg. Lyra turns to her and takes off the headphones. "What?" Twilight points to me. "Oh. Uh… Is it true that humans hunt for food?"

I sigh. I knew I'd have to answer that question eventually. "Yeah. Just animals like deer and elk, mostly. Never ponies or horses, so don't worry about it."

Lyra looks scared. "I… I meant stuff like berries…"

"Oh. Fuck. Oh. Well, we do that, too." I say sheepishly. It doesn't help her expression. "Lyra, I never hunted any animals. Most people hunted only for food, alright? Only for food. Only if they were desperate for it."

That calms her down slightly. "Okay…" She says. She looks down.

"I think that's all we should do for now." Twilight says, fully aware of what Lyra's feeling. I would do the same if I was in her position. "If you want to do this again, Lyra, please tell us. I'm sure Mark would be willing to do this again."

I lean forward and put a hand on Lyra's shoulder. She jumps and blushes slightly at the touch. "I would. I'll be careful of what I say around you from now on."

Lyra looks back up at me and smiles. "Thanks, Mark." She jumps off the bed. She gives me back my headphones. "I'll come back later. I don't know when." She trots out the door.

I lean back and sigh. "I can be so stupid sometimes." I admit, mostly to myself.

"That wasn't stupid, Mark. Sure, maybe a little callous on accident, but not stupid. It was a mistake. You shouldn't worry about mistakes."

"I try not to." I say. "Wait, what does callous mean?"

"Don't worry about it." Twilight says quickly. She looks around. I can tell she's trying to change the subject.

"Whatever."

"Uh… Did you get your house from Princess Celestia yet?"

"Not yet. Probably soon, though. I don't even know where I'll be at yet."

"I'd be willing to wager that it's going to be close to my house." Twilight says with a smile. "I'd like it to be, at least."

"I'd also like to be close to here. Close to the middle of Ponyville, I mean. Partially so I won't half to walk half way across the town to get a sandwich." I say.

"That reminds me. Have you been to any restaurants yet?"

"Not yet." I reply. "Do you recommend any?"

"I like Hay King."

"Hay King?"

"Yeah. It's a restaurant that has amazing hay burgers. They call them Mammoths. Fitting name, because they're really big." Hay burgers… They probably won't go down my throat comfortably. "There's also Colt in the Box as an alternative."

I don't like how that sounds. "Hay King's fine."

I follow Twilight to Hay King. Twilight orders a Mammoth. I do too, mostly out of experimentation. Also, I have no idea what else they have. The burger is bitter, but better than I expected. The hay is edible, but a major contribution to the bitter taste. "What do you think of it?" Twilight asks after I finish the burger.

"Not the best." I admit. Twilight looks a little disappointed. "Hey, don't blame me. Blame my biology. I've never had hay before."

"It's good to experiment, though. Wouldn't you rather find out you don't like something than never find it out?"

"Yeah, I would." I say. She's got a point. Humans wouldn't have made it very far if they never experimented. We'd probably still be living in caves and have nothing to cook meat. My stomach growls at the thought of meat. I look at it as if to say 'shut up belly, you had your chance.'

"Still hungry?" Twilight asks.

"Yeah. Sorry, but that hay burger wasn't very filling." I admit.

"What's there to apologize about? It's a biological thing, right? You don't eat hay. I'm sure we have food here in Equestria that you eat."

"Well, Princess Celestia did say she'd get meat from somewhere else." I reply. "So yeah, there is stuff for me to eat here."

"I was talking about foods that are easier to obtain. Like apples."

I nod. "Yeah, humans eat apples. It's a shame there isn't a place around that farms apples. It's an even bigger shame that said farm isn't 100 meters away."

Twilight giggles. "Quite the shame, indeed."

"Indeed?"

"Indeed."

"Okay, then." I say. I'm not going to judge her use of archaic words. It's fitting for her smart personality, but I don't want to, or expect to, hear her reciting Shakespearean quotations. Except she would need a skull for that. 'Alas, poor Pinkie. I knew her, Celestia.'

"So, should we head over to Sweet Apple Acres?"

"I think I'll be alright."

"Are you sure?"

"I think so. Humans can go around two weeks without food." I think it's two weeks, at least. I've never gone more than two days without food. That was a pretty bad weekend.

"So, you're like camels." Twilight smiles.

I've never heard that comparison. "In that sense, yeah. We can only go around three days without water, though."

"I take that back, then."

The night arrives shortly after. It's too dark for me to comfortably walk to Fluttershy's, so I stay over at Twilights for the night.

"Have you ever played chess?" Twilight asks.

"A few times with my brother. I'm no expert. Do you want to play?"

"Yeah. I don't get many chances to." She rubs the back of her neck.

"Alright. Let's play."

Twilight gets a chessboard out and we set up the pieces. "I'll go easy on you." She says and moves a pawn forward. I start off with a knight. "Ooh. Interesting tactic." Twilight says. She moves her pawn again. I have the chance to take her pawn out with my knight, which I take.

The rest of the game is short. I manage to win. It's actually the first time I've ever won a chess game. "Haha! In your face, Twilight."

Twilight smiles. "Want to play again?"

"It's your funeral."

“Bring some tissues, because you’re going to be the one crying.”

The next game ends a few short minutes later. I'm still amazed that she managed to put me in checkmate in only eight moves. I couldn't even take a pawn of hers. She took out my queen and both of my bishops. She could have taken me out in four turns, but I guess she just wanted to rub it in. I guess it's karma.

"Mark, have you ever looked at the night sky? I know you mentioned you lived in a city." Twilight says, changing the subject.

"Yeah, I did. And no, I haven't really seen the sky here yet." I say.

She smiles. "You should. It's an amazing sight."

We both stand up. I walk out onto the balcony and look at the sky. "Holy shit…" I say. I try to say something more, but I can't. I've never seen anything even remotely like the night sky in Equestria. It's covered with stars. There's easily over a million stars in the sky.

There's a band of gas similar to a nebula going all the way across the planet, almost like a ring. I realize that it's the galaxy itself. There's even a faint blue aurora going on far in the north.

"Never seen anything like this?" Twilight asks.

I shake my head. I'm still stunned by all of these stars. I've seen pictures of the night sky, but seeing it in person is amazing. I feel a smile form on my face. I don't hold it back. "No. I've never seen the sky like this. It's probably because of all the light in Seattle. I don't think I've ever seen more than 20 stars at once."

"Really?"

"Really." I wonder what Los Angeles or Dubai were like at night. They were probably as bright at night as they were at day. "I think seeing the sky like this just once is worth dying for. Just all of these stars and that aurora there… It's beautiful. Seeing this in person is thousands of times better than seeing a picture, and even pictures of this are beautiful."

"This is actually a pretty common sight in Equestria, Mark."

"Damn. I wish I was born here." Being reborn here is an acceptable alternative. "Are there any uncommon sights that I should see?"

Twilight strokes her muzzle. "There is a rare event called ball lightning."

"I think I've heard of that. Is it that thing where there's lightning floating around the air?"

"Yes."

"I don't think I've even seen pictures of that. Just descriptions." I say, still looking up at the sky. "Anything else?"

"Changelings."

"What?"

"Changelings." Twilight repeats. Her voice has a mix of hatred and depression in it. I never expected to hear either of those coming from her. "They're creatures that can shift their appearance. They look like insectoid ponies when not in anypony's form."

"Damn." I say. I think about that for a second. I might have encountered a changeling already. I hope not. If I haven't been paranoid before, I am now.

"You don't have to worry about them, Mark." Twilight says, sensing my paranoia. "They aren't very common."

"Ugh. Good." I sigh.

14: Welcome Home

"So, Twilight, can I spend the night over here?" I ask.

"I would say so." Twilight says. "You are, in all technicalities, homeless. Where else could you go?"

"Fluttershy's."

"Oh, yeah. You did stay there the first few days you were here." Twilight scratches her muzzle. "We're going to need a find a place for you to sleep. I only have one bed."

"Do you have a couch I can sleep on?"

"I do. It's small, though."

"I'll take it."

"No. It's too small. I won't let you be uncomfortable. You're a guest. Guests shouldn't be uncomfortable." Twilight flashes a smile. "That, and you're a mythical creature. In my house…" She says that last part like a teenage girl that just met her favorite musician or actor. I know I'm pretty good looking, but am I seriously that sexy?

"You own this place. You should be comfortable. Besides, you own the bed."

Twilight sighs. "Why don't we both take the bed? I'm sure we'll both fit on it."

I can feel my cheeks warm up. "Are you just trying to get me in bed with you?"

"Huh?" She thinks about it for a second. Her cheeks instantly turn to the shade that would make a tomato impressed. "Dear Celestia, Mark! You're more immature than Rainbow Dash."

"You said it, not me."

20 minutes later, I fall asleep on Twilight's bed. She falls asleep next to me.

The next day, I wake up next to a letter rather than Twilight. It's rolled up with a red ribbon keeping it that way. I open up the letter and read it.

Dear Mark Cleveland

I have previously informed you that you will soon be the owner of your own house. By the time you receive this letter, you should legally be the owner of the house. I have arranged it so that your new home is south a short ways away from Twilight Sparkle's castle. You will know it when you see it.

Princess Celestia

I'll be honest. I was expecting something from Twilight telling me where she went. I step out of the bed and stretch. I've never been much of a morning person. Since I'm now living in a world with a goddess that can move the sun, I should probably get used to the morning.

I grab the letter, fold it, and put it in my pocket. I put my shoes on then leave the castle. I will also have to get used to the fact that one of my friends has a castle made out of crystal.

I'm just going to have to get used to a lot of things. I think I'm finally used to the talking technicolor ponies and mythical creatures. Magic is something I'll have to get used to. It's definitely cool. I'm not going to study how to use it or anything. I know that humans can't use any magic. Although Epona might have done something to my body during the arrival to Equestria… I'll have to ask that of her tonight.

I walk down the road of Ponyville, heading south. A building catches my eye. It's larger than most other houses. It's three floors as opposed to the average of two in Ponyville. This building is a dark violet, similar to the coat of Princess Luna. It's a sharp contrast to the lightly colored buildings in Ponyville. As for the shape, it's not very different from the others.

The letter said my house was south of Twilight's castle and that it would catch my eye. The other buildings aren't anything special, so this must be my new place.

I enter the building. There are a few ponies inside with construction gear on. "Hey, he's here." One of them says to another. He has a thick New Yorker accent. He turns to me. "We jus' finished here. You're free to take over."

"No furniture?" I ask.

"Nah. We're construction workers, not home decorators."

"Alright, then." I say. The workers walk out of my new house. I haven't had a place with no furniture yet. Since I've got approximately one shit ton of money, I'll be able to prevent that fact from changing.

I had to wander across Ponyville before finding a furniture store. I had enough to buy a Queen sized mattress without a frame and a small couch.

The company is kind enough to ship them to my house by themselves. It's probably because I've met three Princesses so far. That, or it's just what the company does. Either way, I give them a tip. That leaves me at a little under 100 bits. Damn. Those were expensive.

Shortly after the mattress and couch are put in my home, there's a knock at the door. I open it. "Hey, Rainbow." I say to the hovering cyan pony. "What's up?"

"Not much. I was just in the neighborhood." I have to resist the urge to laugh. I doubt that pun was intended. "I saw you coming into this house. I knew it wasn't owned and I heard you were getting your own."

"So you stopped by." I finish for her. "You're pretty fast. I just got this place a few minutes ago. The couch is also new." I gesture to it.

"Cool. Can I come in?" She asks.

"Yeah. There isn't much to look at. Just the couch and a mattress."

Rainbow lands and steps inside. She stretches her back and wings. "Can I see it? I'm pretty beat."

I nod. "I don't see why you can't."

She follows me to what will eventually be the bedroom. She jumps onto the bed and lands on her stomach. Rainbow moves her limbs around, probably to get more comfortable. "Eh. It's not as comfortable as some beds I've been in."

I lie down next to her. "Me too, Rainbow. It's definitely the biggest I've owned, though."

"Hey, do you still have that music thing?"

"Yep. Want to listen?" She nods. I put the headphones on her and play a random song. We sit there for a few minutes before either of us say anything else.

"You've got a lot of these loud songs." Rainbow says, breaking the silence.

"Yeah. I'm generally a metal fan. I don't have just metal on here. There's other genres for other moods. I've got some pop on here. A few techno songs. I think there's a classical song on here."

"Classical's too boring for me. It's all too slow and… boring. It's stuff I'd fall asleep to." She says.

I raise an eyebrow. "You think classical's boring, eh?" I ask. I grab my iPod and rummage through the songs.

"What are you doing?" She asks.

I find the song I was looking for. Requiem by Verdi. "Listen to this. It's classical." I play the song.

The instant I hit the play button, Rainbow's eyes widen. During the entire song, she doesn't say a word. "Okay. You've proven your point." She says after the song ends.

I smile. "It's what I do." Another song starts.

After some time, I notice that I'm stroking her mane like how I would with a cat. I keep doing it. Rainbow's mane is like silk. I guess it makes sense. Silk is smooth, and therefore aerodynamic.

Her wings suddenly unfold and almost hit me in the face. "Whoa, Mark. Slow down." Rainbow says. She looks at me with a slightly agitated look, and a very deep blush, on her face.

"What?" I ask. "Did I do something wrong?"

She sighs in frustration. "Just don't rub there." She says. "Mane's okay. Neck and back isn't."

"Oh, sorry. I didn't even realize I was doing that." I go back to stroking her mane and think about what she meant. The neck and back, at least for pegasi, are probably erogenous zones. I don't know how I'd find out for certain. I could just walk up to a pegasus, say 'does this turn you on?', then touch their wings, but that wouldn't be very subtle.

"That's better." Rainbow says. After a few seconds, she rests her head on my knee. She lets out a sigh of relief. "You could seriously be payed for this, Mark. I know a few ponies that would love to be in my position right now. Lyra, for one. Mostly for a chance to be with a human for a while." She says, seemingly forgetting about what just happened.

"Maybe I should. I'm kind of running low on money." I say. Fortunately, this isn't exactly a rich mare's world.

Rainbow scratches her muzzle with her hoof. "Twilight might like it, too."

"I was actually with those two earlier. I didn't get the chance to do this to them, though."

"What were they doing? I mean, what pony wouldn't want this?" She says.

"Talking about what humans do on Earth. More specifically, what myths about them that are true."

"I should have seen that coming."

"Do they do that a lot?"

"Nah. Not really. I think it's just when a mythical creature stops by."

I laugh. "It'd give them an excuse to talk about it, at least."

Rainbow nods with a smile. "Oh, have you talked to Vinyl Scratch yet?"

"The DJ?" Rainbow nods. "Not yet. Applejack told me a bit about her. Just that she's a DJ and I'll know her when I see her."

"You will. Spikey dyed hair."

"Like yours?"

"Mine isn't dyed." She says, sounding a bit annoyed. How the hell is her hair not dyed? "And hers is longer and just blue. Besides, mine's cooler." She blows some bangs out of her eyes. "But yeah, Vinyl would like some of the stuff on here."

"I'll have to talk to her later, then."

After a few minutes, the iPod stops in the middle of a song. "What happened? Did you pause it?" Rainbow asks.

I hold it up. "No. The battery died." I sigh. "Oh well. I'll charge this damn thing up and you can come back later."

She stands up. "Alright. I'll be back in a few hours." She goes outside and I follow her. Rainbow Dash waves goodbye and flies off to her home in the clouds. With the lighting reflecting off her coat, she looks beautiful.

...Did I seriously just think that? I think I did.

...Am I falling in love with Rainbow Dash? With a pony?

No. Not exactly. I'm just becoming more… fond of her. Yeah. That's it. Even if I am falling for her, is she even into guys? The mane kind of implies that she isn't. I'll have to ask her about it later. I've dealt with asking a girl about her sexuality a few times before. Most of the times, it didn't end well for me.

Although, Rainbow is different from most girls I knew on Earth. Rainbow's much more sporty and blunt. Not to mention her appearance. I mean, all those strong muscles and her beautiful eyes and those-

Dammit, Mark. Stop thinking about her. Even if she's straight, she's probably got a stallionfriend. If she does, I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, who wouldn't want somepony as attractive as Rainbow Dash?

I've got to stop doing that… Okay, I need something to take my mind off of a certain pegasus. I haven't been to Sugarcube Corner in a while.

I make my way there. Pinkie's there and I take my order. After a brief conversation, I start to eat, which starts to take my mind away from Rainbow.

Then I start to think about her. Due to my frustration with myself, I hit my head on the counter. My forehead hits the edge, causing me to cry out in pain.

"Are you okay, Markie?" Pinkie asks.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say, rubbing my head. "It hurts, but I'm fine." I'll probably have a bruise by the morning. The pain only temporarily blocks out thoughts about Rainbow Dash. Maybe I am in love with her. No. It's just a crush right now. I can honestly say it's the first time I've had a crush on something that's not human. If I still lived in Washington, I'd be breaking the law. It's a good thing I'm not there anymore.

"If you need anything, just ask me!" Pinkie says with a chipper tone.

"Alright, Pinkie. I think I'll be okay for now. Thanks for the food." I say. I finish my food and leave some money, along with a tip.

I head over to Carousel Boutique. My wardrobe's probably done by now. Maybe that will help me get Rainbow Dash off my mind.

"Hello, Mark." Rarity says once I enter. "Your timing is impeccable. I finished your wardrobe just an hour ago. I must say, your proportions are the most difficult I've ever had to deal with."

"Are you saying you didn't like it?"

"Not at all. Rainbow Dash isn't the only pony that likes challenges." I guess I was wrong about being able to escape thoughts of Rainbow here.

A new thought comes to mind. "How am I going to get the clothes to my house?"

"I can take them there for you." Rarity says with a smile. "I may require some assistance, however…"

"I'd be glad to help." I say.

"Thank you, Mark. I was thinking of asking my younger sister to help us, actually."

"You've got a sister?"

"Mm-hmm. Her name is Sweetie Belle. She's just a filly."

"As in… A young pony?" Rarity nods. "Okay. I'm starting to learn your dialect."

"It must be difficult."

I nod. "Yeah. The hardest is probably having to remember all of it. I know mares are female. I already knew stallions were male. Fillies are young females. Colts are young males, I think."

Rarity nods. "You're correct on them all."

I pump a fist in the air. I only knew some of those because I dated someone that was obsessed with horses.

16: Lost in the Darkness

I don't remember when I fell asleep. It could have been anywhere from an instant to an hour. When I'm tired, time seems to lose all of its meaning. And dreams? Time doesn't seem to exist in them. I've had dreams that felt like only seconds long but have lasted hours in the land of the awake. The opposite is also true.

This dream starts off in a forest at the base of a tree. It reminds me of when I first came to Equestria just a few days ago. It feels longer than that to me. It's felt closer to a month rather than half a week.

I stand up. There's a heavily worn down dirt path just a few feet in front of me. I turn to look at both ways to take. Both directions just seem to head deeper into the forest. I'd get just about as equally lost either way, so I doubt my choice would matter too much. I walk down the path to my right.

Trees are the only things to my sides. I'm still not used to living in an area with so many trees. I know I'm in a dream, but I spend most of my time in the world of the awake. A thin layer of fog or mist slowly shows up.

What was down the other path? I don't have any realistic ideas. My mind wanders the possibilities, though. Maybe it's a way back to Earth. No matter what's down the other path, it's going to stay in my mind.

I stop walking and look down at the path I chose. This one doesn't seem to bring me anywhere. Maybe I should have chosen the other way. I look back and sigh. It's too late to turn back.

I look forward. There's a mostly humanoid figure standing in front of me. I say mostly because he has two heads pointing towards his flanks. I blink, and the figure is gone.

"What the fuck?" I ask myself. Was that...?

That must have been Janus, the Roman god of... what was it? Choices? Something like that. This is a dream, so it would make sense seeing a god. I should probably get used to seeing gods in my dreams.

I don't even know if this Janus-like creature was even a god or just something my mind is making up.

I keep walking down the path. Trees are still the only things to my sides. I should have gone the other way. This one is just too... boring. It's far too repetitive.

This is a dream, though. My dream. I can change it to anything I want to. But... What if I change it to something I regret in the morning? It could end up being a nightmare.

I stop walking and look down. I sigh, then I look up. There's another figure standing ahead. This one is quadrupedal. I can tell they're equine. A mare, too.

"Epona?"

"No, Mark. I am somepony else." She says. I recognize that voice.

"Princess Luna?"

"I thought I asked you to just call me Luna. There's no need for formalities." She replies. "I can tell you're troubled."

"Troubled? What do you mean?"

"You have something on your mind you can't just fix easily. You're just trying to ignore it, right?"

"I don't think so."

Luna sighs. "You're in denial, Mark. I know what's on your mind. Rainbow Dash recently asked you out, correct?"

"She asked me to go somewhere with her, yes. It wasn't for a date." I reply.

"So you say." Luna says with doubt. "I understand why you deny this fact, Mark. You've only been romantically involved with members of your species. I can't say I've been in your hooves, being attracted to a different species."

"Who said I was?"

"You did. You just didn't say it." Luna says.

I think about that for a second. "What do you mean?"

She smiles. "Mark. I'm not an expert on love or romance, but I know you're attracted to a certain somepony." An image of Rainbow Dash appears next to her head. "Don't try to hide it from yourself."

"I'm not hiding anything." I cross my arms. "Rainbow Dash and I are just good friends, alright? That's all."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I can handle it, Luna. You don't need to worry about it or me, alright?"

She lets out a sigh of what could either be annoyance or defeat. "If you say so. I won't help you for now, if you wish."

"Yeah, just let me handle myself. I'll be fine." I reply. "Why do you think I need help?"

"I have already seen Rainbow Dash's dream. I don't like to speak of other pony's dreams, but I can say that you were involved. I was inspired to visit yours. My knowledge is limited on your world's religions, but that man with the two faces... I know enough about him to assume you are quite troubled."

I shrug. "You assumed wrong. Like I said, I'm perfectly fine."

Luna looks at me for a second. Her face is shrouded by the mist, so I can't easily identify any emotions. "If you ever need any assistance, please don't hesitate to ask me. Or your goddess." She adds that last part like it's an afterthought.

Like how I fell asleep, I don’t remember waking up. When I realize that I’m actually awake, I get out of bed. That dream is going to stick with me for a while. I need something to take my mind off it.

I should probably avoid Rainbow Dash for the next few days. She’s kind of responsible, directly or not, for this. Avoiding the other Elements would probably be smart, since they’re so close to Rainbow. There’s no doubt she’d come up at least in conversation.

I could talk with the ponies I met at the market the other day. Colgate and the blacksmith are the first to come to my mind. I'm thinking Colgate. She's pretty damn cute, so that's a bonus. Of course, as I am repeatedly reminded, pretty much everypony in Equestria is cute. There's also the blacksmith. She's cute too, but in a different way. More of a dirty and grimy kind of way. I'd like to see her talk with Rarity out of morbid curiosity.

I get out of bed and put on a shirt. Having to put a shirt on is probably the worst part about sleeping shirtless. Although, in a world filled with ponies that say clothing is optional, I don't have to wear a shirt. I'm still going to wear one. I head outside. The sun is low, but it's warm outside today. Is it summer in Equestria? It feels like it. Early autumn, perhaps? I can't tell. I'll have to ask somepony.

My feet move themselves toward the marketplace. I don't even remember where it was, but my feet do. It's strange that I knew a massive city better than I know this small town. Of course, I lived in Seattle for 19 years. I've only been in Ponyville for about a week. I stop walking when I get to the market. Colgate isn't here. Most ponies aren't. Hammer is the only one here.

I walk up to her stall. "Hey, Hammer." I say to her.

She looks up. "Oh, hey, Mark. Need anything?"

"Not really. I thought I'd just talk."

She looks around the market. "I can do that. Business is usually slow in the mornings, anyway. I still like to get set up earlier than everypony else. It takes hours to get ready. I've got to move my damn anvils from my place to here every day."

"Can't you just leave them here?"

"I can, but I'd risk them getting stolen. Blacksmiths can't do much without anvils, and I can't just order them from a magazine. They're hard to find in this area of Equestria." She sighs. "If you ever find any anvils if you're out of Ponyville, could you bring them to me?"

"I don't know how I'd be able to move them. If I find a way to, I'd be glad to help out."

"Speaking of helping me out, could you help me get ready for the day?"

"Yeah. Anything you need help with in particular?"

"There's a box of things over there." She gestures with her head to a nearby box that presumably has things inside it. "Could you drag it over here and help me set them up?"

"Yeah, sure. It can't be too difficult." I grab onto the box and try to lift it. The key word being 'try.' I can almost lift it up a few centimeters. And there goes my manliness... "Did you fill this thing with rocks or something?"

"I said 'drag it over here,' not 'carry it over here.' It's heavy."

"I noticed that." I set the box down and drag it over to her. She opens it up with her mouth, revealing that it was filled, literally to the brim, with hammers. Hammers of all kinds. It's close enough to rocks.

She takes out a hammer and sets it in her stall. "I'll be able to get these myself. Do you see the forge over there?" She gestures again. I follow her movement to a small cement forge.

"Yeah. What do you want me to do with it?"

"After I put a hammer in there, I want you to pump the bellows. You know what a bellows is, right?" Hammer asks.

"'A bellows?' I don't think that's grammatically correct."

"I don't think I care. Do you know what it is?" She asks. I shrug in response. "I take that as a 'no.' It's the thing with the bag that you pump to get a blast of air."

"Oh, those. Yeah, I know about them."

Hammer looks around, presumably for the bellows. She sticks her head behind the stall so I can't see it anymore. "Here it is." She pops back out, this time with the bellows in her mouth. She spits it out. "Use this in the forge when I put the hammer in. Be sure to keep the air flow constant and at the right speed. Not too fast and not too slow."

I pick up the bellows. She puts the hammer inside the forge. I pump the bellows. "How long do you want me to do this?"

"A few minutes is best for me. I'm sure you pump those with a different strength than I do, so I don't know. I'll tell you when."

"Sure thing, Hammer." I pump the bellows at a steady pace. I look in the sky and catch a glimpse of a cyan blur with a rainbow trail following behind it. On any other day, I'd probably yell at her to get her to stop. Since I'm working and I'm not an asshole to my boss, I don't.

I wonder what Rainbow's thinking about. Probably the upcoming concert. It was a concert, right? Damn. I can't even remember what it was we were going to see. Maybe it was a play? I think the thing, whatever it was, had a name. Overcast or something like that. I don't expect it to be a weather report.

“Mark! Focus.” Hammer’s voice frees me from my thoughts.

I go back to pumping the bellows. “Sorry, Hammer.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s for your safety.” She says. I can hear irritation in her voice. “You don’t want to see what happens when the forge doesn’t get enough air flow.”

I nod. I'm not too familiar with how forges work, but she does. If an expert on something warns me about it, I should probably listen to what they have to say.

What was I thinking about? The concert I'll be going to with Rainbow Dash, I think. I don't even know what the venue's going to be. I'll have to talk to Rainbow to find out before the whatever it was we were going to. I expect her to know about it.

I hear a sharp hissing sound, almost like a snake, in front of me. I look down as fast as I can. A fire is erupting from the forge. Time seems to slow down. I can't move fast enough to get out of the way. I try to block the flame from hitting my chest and face with my hand. I see the fire slowly cover my hand and wrist.

The flame dissipates, but time is still moving slowly. My hand looks like a burnt marshmallow. The skin is charred black already. There are small bits of white. Bone.

Time returns to its normal speed. Along with it, pain hits like a freight train.

"Ah! Fuck!" I grab onto my hand, right on the burn. It makes it hurt even worse.

I turn to Hammer. Her face screams 'panic.' "S-Stay here. I'll get somepony." She's trying to be calm. She rushes off somewhere. Thanks for the fucking company...

She comes running back with another pony after a while. How long was it? Minutes? Hours? It doesn't matter. I've only been in a little bit of absolute agony. "I'm a doctor. Where's your injury?" The other pony says. I flash him a view of my hand. "Oh shit... We've gotta get you to the hospital. It's close to here, fortunately. Follow me."

This place is easily the most boring part of Equestria.

Dear Princess Celestia

I’m sure you know that I was injured a while ago while working with the local blacksmith, Hammersmith Apollo. Twilight tells you stuff like that, right? Well, if she didn’t tell you, I was injured. My hand was burnt and I’m in the hospital right now. The doctors gave me some painkillers, so I’m not too uncomfortable.

Mark Cleveland

I look over the paper. “Man. I should never be an author…” I say to myself. I never expected my writing skills to be terrible. I'll throw this away. Actually, I've got my lighter here. I'm bored as hell, too.

I grab my lighter from the table. Like any sane person in a hospital because of a burn would do, I flick the lighter on. The flame from the lighter is green rather than the normal yellowish orange. I don’t know the reason behind it. Maybe something to do with magic?

I set the poorly written letter on fire. It catches on fire and burns quickly. By ‘quickly’, I mean it burnt in less than a second. There isn’t any ash. The fire hit my good hand. It didn’t hurt at all. It’s like when Spike used his fire breath on me.

I stare at where the paper used to be. I lean back in the bed and sigh. “I’ll never get used to this crazy world…”

17: Anesthesia

Minutes go by. I spend all of them staring at the ceiling in silence. Why did I have to leave my music at home? I’m going to die of boredom before I get out of this hospital.

There’s a sudden ‘poof’ sound. I look up. A small scroll of paper is on my chest. What the hell? I pick up the paper and open it.

Dear Mark Cleveland

I wasn’t aware you were injured. Twilight didn’t tell me. I’ll send in somepony to quicken your healing process. Twilight told me you have a resistance to magic, so I’ll make sure she’s my most trusted and powerful medic. She has worked with minotaurs, so I’m absolutely certain she’ll be able to heal your hand.

I’m also glad to see you making more friends. I’ve heard some of Hammersmith Apollo. She is a very skilled blacksmith and a kind pony. You’re going to love her. On that note, remember about the friendship letters.

Your (hopefully soon-to-be) teacher
Princess Celestia

I reread the letter a few times. I look at my lighter. Okay… So my lighter can send messages. It’s like Spike’s fire breath. What was that I said to myself a few minutes ago? ‘I’ll never get used to this crazy world?’ It still applies, and it will for a long time.

But damn. Sending letters with just a lighter is going to be a lot easier and faster than sending text messages. Plus, the receiver doesn't have any excuse about not getting the letters. Now if only I could use my lighter to use the internet. I don't think Equestria has any wi-fi.

A knocking on the door derails the Train of Thought. "It's open." Hammer says. The door knob surrounds itself in a veil of purple-ish aura. The door opens, revealing Twilight. She walks up next to me and sits down.

“I came as soon as I heard, Mark. I’m so sorry about what happened.” Twilight says.

“What are you sorry about?” I ask her. “You weren’t there. There wasn’t anything you could do. I did something stupid.”

“It’s true.” Hammer says. “He wasn’t paying attention when I told him.” I give her a brief glare. “What?”

Twilight, seemingly ignoring Hammer, rests a hoof on my good hand. Hammer raises an eyebrow at the sight. “Is there anything I can do?”

I shake my head. “Nothing that I can think of. The hospitals are helping out with the hand."

"Could I... see it? The injury, I mean?"

"Are you sure? It's not exactly pretty." I say.

She nods. I undo the bandages to the best of my abilities. Twilight, noticing my troubles, uses her magic to finish the job. She looks at the injury. She's visibly disgusted. I wouldn't be surprised if she threw up in a minute or two. "How... How exactly did it happen?"

"It was an accident with the forge." Hammer explains. "There wasn't enough air flow and some fire spat out and got his hand."

Twilight rewraps my hand. "I wish I could do something to help you. I don't want to risk making it worse, though." She looks down at the floor. "I would probably just make it worse. I don't know any healing spells that would be able to fix this. I'm great at magic, but I can't heal you, Mark. I only learned early intermediate spells that can help burns, just in case Spike ever accidentally burned somepony."

I reach over to her with my good hand. She's on the other side of me, so I have to turn onto my shoulder. "Twilight, don't let it get you down, alright? There wasn't anything you could've done to keep me from doing something that stupid."

"If you say so." Her voice is soft. She doubts me. I'm doing a great job convincing her. "I'm gonna go back home. I hope you get better soon, Mark." She shares a quick look with Hammer before leaving.

Hammer looks at the door after it closes. “She totally wants to fuck you.”

“W-What?”

“She totally wants to fuck you.”

“I heard what you said. What do you mean?”

“I mean ‘she totally wa-’”

“I get it. Why do you think that?”

“The way she acts around you. Do you think I didn’t catch those puppy-dog eyes? She touched your hand, too. I’m not a psychiatrist, but I’ve been around the block enough times to know that she’s into you.”

I hesitate. “Are you jealous or something?”

She chuckles. “Heh. Of Twilight? No, not really. Are you implying something?”

“I think I am.”

“Are you implying that I’m the one that wants to fuck you?”

“I think so.”

“Too bad.” She smiles almost evilly. “I'm only into mares, anyway.” She lets that sink in. The brief silence doesn’t really do much of anything. I think she was trying to make me regret what I said or something. “I think I could see you two going out, actually.” She breaks the silence she caused.

“I’ve actually got a date with another mare coming up.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Oh, really?” I don’t think she believes me. “Who’s the lucky mare? Princess Luna?”

“No. I have met her, though.”

“Okay, that’s bullshit.”

“Want me to get her in here?”

“Go ahead, Mark. Impress me.”

I smile. “Alright, Hammer. I will. Prepare to be impressed.” I grab a napkin and my pen.

Dear Princess Luna

As I’m sure you already know, I’m in the hospital because of a burn. That doesn’t really matter right now, though. I have a friend with me that doesn’t believe I’ve met you. Could you come and prove her wrong? My friend is Hammersmith Apollo, the new blacksmith in Ponyville

Mark Cleveland

I grab my lighter and set the napkin on fire. “What’s that going to do?” Hammer asks.

“Watch and learn, Mrs. Apollo. Watch and learn.”

“It’s just Ms. I’m not married. Single, actually.” She corrects. “Happily single, mind you. Don’t get any ideas.”

“I’ve already got a date. I told you.”

“With just one mare?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Wait, you don’t know? Have you been living under a rock?” Hammer asks with bewilderment. “There’s more mares than stallions in Equestria.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“Is it different for where you’re from?”

I shrug as best as I can. “Yeah. The male to female ratio on Earth is about 50/50. In most countries, guys can legally and morally be with only one girl, and vice versa.”

“That must have sucked for you.”

“Eh. Not really. I’ve had more than one girl. Only one at a time, though.” I rub the back of my head with my good hand. Sure I’ve been with a lot of girls, but the relationships haven’t ever really ended well or lasted very long. The long ones faded away and the short ones burned out. It’s better to burn out that it is to fade away.

Hammer nods slightly. “Yeah… Well, in Equestria, there’s like six times more mares than stallions.”

I lean back. “Okay, then. I’ll keep that in mind, Hammer.”

There’s a knock at the door. “Come in.” I say.

A purple aura covers the door knob. I know who’s behind it. I turn to Hammer. She’s looking at the door. As it opens, her eyes widen.

“Hello, Mark Cleveland.” Princess Luna says. “Hello, Hammersmith Apollo.”

In less than a second, Hammer jumps to the floor and bows to Luna. “At ease, Hammersmith. I’ve heard you doubt the friendship between Mark and I?”

“Uh… I…” She stumbles to find the right words. “I…”

Luna chuckles at Hammer. That laugh could stop wars. “Please, don’t worry. I won’t harm you. Treat me like you would treat any other pony.” She turns back to me. “Ah, but down to business. Let me see your hand.”

“Are you sure? It looks like shit.” I tell her. “Somepony’s supposed to come in soon and help heal it.”

“I know. Let me see your hand.” She repeats. Oh. I get what she’s saying. She’s going to help my hand. I didn’t expect Luna to be the best healer in Canterlot. I’d expect a doctor or a nurse to be the best.

I show her my hand. She unravels the wrapping around it. Hammer looks away. I’m not surprised. I think she’s seen enough of it already. Luna, however, seems deeply invested in my injury. I can’t take my eyes away from it.

“This will probably hurt, Mark.” Luna’s voice is calming. Her horn lights up and her aura surrounds my hand. The injury is slowly closing. I can feel a rush of… something going through my bloodstream. It might be Luna’s magic. Whatever it is, it feels awesome. I’m seeing fireworks in my eyes.

The feeling stops, but the fireworks keep going off. I can faintly hear Luna breathing heavily. It sounds like she was just running for a few kilometers nonstop. She says something after, but I can’t hear what it is.

“Mmhmm…” I look over to Luna. Her lips move. I can’t tell what she’s saying. I know almost nothing about lip reading, so that doesn’t help.

“Mark? Are you okay?” Her voice is finally able to be understood.

“Yeah.” I sound a bit different to myself. I sound like I just smoked marijuana and drank hot coffee. “Are you?”

Luna lets out a sigh of relief. “I almost thought I caused deafness… Thank the stars. It might be a side effect of the magic. I’ve heard you’re naturally resistant.”

Hammer tries to fight back a chuckle. “He’s not immune to fire.” Luna glares at her. “What?”

The Princess clears her throat and turns back to me. “I should probably tell you, Mark, that I’m not actually the best healer in Canterlot, much less Equestria. I was just the closest that happened to be skilled at healing. That, and your letter to me.” She says with a wink. If I had a dollar for every girl winked at me, I’d have fifty cents. "I must get back to my duties before too long. Goodbye for now, Mark and Hammersmith. I hope to see the two of you again soon." She leaves the room.

I turn to Hammer. She looks like someone famous talked to her. I guess it's not too far from the truth. “Damn… I guess you have met Princess Luna. Damn.” Her mouth is wide open enough to swallow a Greyhound bus. “Holy shit, Mark. How did you meet her?”

“When a creature that was once thought of as mythical is suddenly not mythical, ponies will want to meet them. The Princesses aren’t any exception.”

“Princesses? Plural? You’ve also met Celestia?” Her mouth widens even more. If it goes any farther, she’s probably going to break her jaw. It’s a good thing we’re in the hospital.

I nod. “Yep.”

“Wow.” She replies simply. “I’m going to have to hang out with you more often.”

“Feel free. You’re one of my friends.”

“You really think we’re friends? We’ve only known each other for a few days.”

I shrug. “True. But, you’ve been here longer than anypony else has.” She doesn’t reply to me. “You seemed really excited to meet Princess Luna.”

She nods fast enough that I half expect her head to fly off. “Oh yeah. It’s not everyday you meet a literal god.”

"I could argue against that." Epona comes to my mind. It's probably time to tell somepony about her. I mean, I can't keep her a secret forever. The sooner I talk about her the better, probably.

"What do you mean? I doubt you've seen the two every day since you've been here."

"It's a long story."

Hammer groans. "Dammit. Well, save it for later. I'll have to leave you alone in about half an hour. I've got to get back to the stall."

"Once I'm out of here, I'll visit you again. I don't think I'll work for you for a while, though. I only have so many hands."

18: Dirt Track Date

"Well, Mister Cleveland." One of the doctors says to me the next day. "It's time for you to check out. We planned on having you stay for a little longer, but the Princess wanted us to release you early."

"Do you mean Luna or Celestia?" I ask.

"The former." The doctor replies. "We figured that if a Princess wants a patient to leave early, we should let them out early." She shakes her head and sighs. "Anyway, if you ever need to come back here, please don't hesitate to do so."

It's a good thing there aren't any hospital bills here. The American health care made me want to move back to Canada, and I rarely ever went to the hospital. That includes the time I was killed. "Thanks, doc." I tell the mare before I head out of the hospital. I head over to Hammer's stall, like I promised.

Despite my promise, her stall is vacant. I'll need to find out her schedule so I can actually know when to say hi to her.

With nothing else to do, I walk to my house. I unlock my door and enter my mostly empty house. There's still just a couch, bed, and wardrobe. If I can't get any more major furniture, I should at least get a poster or something. The eggshell white of the walls isn't that bad of a color, but too much of it seems to give me a headache. I'll need to talk to Rarity to help me out. I don't know if she's good with interior decoration, though. I assume she is.

I sit on the couch and look at my wrapped up hand. I hope I don't get in a fight any time soon. Having a burned hand wouldn't be an advantage in a fight. At least my dominant hand wasn't the one that was burned. I should get my mind off this injury. I've heard something about ignoring or not worrying about injuries to make them heal faster. If it's not good for the injury, it's good for the mind. It's probably bullshit, but I should focus on something else.

There's that concert or whatever with Rainbow Dash. I don't think she gave a time or day for it. Something in my gut is telling me that it's tomorrow or the day after. My gut's more often than not right about this kind of stuff, so I decide to follow my gut's orders.

I stand back up and rummage through the wardrobe. There isn't anything too fancy. It's kind of a shame. I'll be going out in public, but I don't feel that street clothes would be the best for the meeting with Rainbow. I should at least wear a button up shirt. Fortunately, Rarity provided me with a surprising amount. I did ask for a lot of button ups...

I put a button up shirt with a plaid pattern on the couch. Basic denim jeans should be fine. I feel like something else is missing...

I hit my forehead with my palm. A tie would be perfect. Why didn't I think of that? I search the wardrobe like a sniper hunting their target. That's not a very common analogy, but it works.

I hit the bottom of the wardrobe. I look again and again. There aren’t any ties in the wardrobe. Huh. There are several pairs of bow ties, but no regular ties. Maybe Rarity has no idea how to make ties for a human? Actually, now that I think about it, I haven’t seen any ties in Ponyville, but I’ve seen plenty of bow ties. Maybe there aren’t any ties in Equestria?

Ugh. What am I thinking, getting a tie? I’m going to a concert, not a dance. And I’m going there with Rainbow Dash. I don’t need to go in a tuxedo. Street clothes should be fine. Now that I say that, she'll probably show up in a Victorian-era dress. But I want to make an impression on her… I actually care about what she thinks this time, as opposed to all the girls I’ve been with back on Earth. Ugh. That sounds a lot worse than I meant it to.

Okay. No ties for me, then. I won't use a bow tie as an alternate. I've never really cared for them. They always seem to be too tight on me. I've also heard that, whenever I wear one, my neck always looks bigger. I'm already big compared to the ponies. I don't want to scare off Rainbow Dash for the concert. She doesn't seem to be one that scares off easily, though.

I guess the good thing about bow ties is that they make my neck feel warmer. Along with the 'large neck' comments, I've almost always heard people say 'bow ties are cool' word for word. Is it a reference to something? It feels like it would be.

I put on the clothes. As if on cue, there's a knock at the door. I open it to see Rainbow Dash with saddlebags on.

"Ready already?" She asks. I nod. "Alright. I should have told you when and where it was. It's just down south about half a kilometer in an hour."

"Thanks for telling me. Do you want to come inside and hang out until it starts?" I open the door wider and gesture for her to enter.

She steps inside and looks around. It's not like she has much to see in here. "Is that eggshell?" I hear a hint of disgust in her voice.

I sigh. "Yep. I don't like it either. I'll have to paint over it some time soon. Eggshell gives me a headache."

"Eggshell isn't that bad, Mark. Rarity's kind of eggshell."

"Kind of." I sit down in the couch. Rainbow takes off the saddlebags and hops up next to me. She curls up like a dog would. Did Epona accidentally send me to a world of dogs instead of ponies? "I've got to talk to her again. I feel like I haven't talked to her in weeks. It's only been a few days. Time's moving by fast."

She nods, then sits up. "Yeah. Time's been seeming to move by a lot faster recently."

"Let's say I'm the reason." I lean back.

"You're looking good." Rainbow says.

"Thanks. You too." I tell her. I get a faint blush hidden behind a cocky grin as a reward. "Yeah, I thought I'd try to look a little decent for the concert."

“Concert?" She lifts her head up. "No, it’s an air show. They’re the Wonderbolts, man. Everypony knows who the Wonderbolts are.” Oh. An air show, not a concert. I’ve been to an airshow before, one with the Blue Angels. It was louder than some concerts I’ve been to. I don’t think a pegasus could make more noise than an F/A 18 Hornet.

Yeah, I was overthinking this. It’s not a romantic date. Just one for two friends. At least, I’m pretty sure it is. Airshows don’t exactly seem very romantic to me. “I’m not a pony. That’s my excuse for not knowing who they are.”

“It’s a bad excuse. I know gryphons that know who the Wonderbolts are.”

“How about this: I’m from a different planet.”

“Eh. It’s better.”

“You’re really stubborn.”

“I prefer tenacious.” She wraps up her leg like she's lifting a weight. "I'll admit it, Mark. I don't know much about you. I think you're going to like the show. They're really fun."

"I've been to one before. It was years ago, but I'm pretty sure I enjoyed it."

"Think you'll enjoy this one? You'd better. It cost a bit more than usual for the tickets." She pulls one of them out from the bags and flashes them at me. I take it from her mouth. "I also grabbed a poster that'll say some of what they'll do. She pulls a piece of paper from her bag. I read it. The amazing Wonderbolts will be performing their newest stunt, affectionately nicknamed the Piercing Heart!

"I've never seen them do it ever before. I can't wait to see it!" Rainbow hugs the paper and bounces up and down like a teenage girl that's about to meet her favorite celebrity. It's not too far from the truth, really.

We leave from my home and arrive at the field fifteen minutes before the show starts. The field looks like it's an old dirt track. 'I want to get good seats' is Rainbow's explanation for arriving early. It's a good enough one for me. I don't know what constitutes a good seat in an air show. Is it like a NASCAR thing where a wide view is best? Or is it like baseball where sitting behind home plate is best?

There probably isn't a home plate in the air show, so I'll doubt that last one.

"I'm following you." I tell Rainbow Dash. She leads me into the field. There's barely anything here, except a few groups of ponies. Families, mostly. I see a few that wouldn't be too far out of place in a college movie. Aside from the audience next to tents, there are a few pegasi in blue uniforms with yellow lightning bolt-like emblems on their torsos.

I catch Rainbow staring at the uniformed pegasi in awe. They're either the Wonderbolts or superhero cosplayers. Given that magic is incredibly common and apparently powerful enough to move a massive ball of plasma around the planet, I'm going to assume that there aren't many superheroes around. Along with that, there probably aren't many superhero cosplayers.

"Those are the Wonderbolts!" She squees. Yep. Called it. They aren't superheroes.

"Wouldn't you rather see them in the air?" I ask.

She breaks her gaze from the celebrities. Her smile is large and shiny enough to guide an airplane to a landing. "I can talk to them down here, right?"

"Like I said, I'm following you." I give her a smile. She hugs me and flies as fast as she can towards who must be her idols in a span of less than a second. I have to sprint to catch up to her.

By the time I make it to her, she already has three signatures on her saddlebags. "You need to work out, Mark." She says to me once she sees me gasping for breath. My response is gasping for breath. "I hear Applejack needs some help with her barn. It collapsed again last night."

"And I just helped her paint it..." I say once I get some air. "Wait, 'again?' How much does it happen?"

"Enough that it would put her family in debt if they didn't make so much money."

I decide to change the subject. "Who signed your thing?"

"Spitfire, Thunderlane, and Fleetfoot."

"Damn. I'm used to cute names. Those ones are just badass."

"I think it's a requirement. I've got one, so I'm good if that's the case." She half giggles, half snickers.

A Wonderbolt a few meters from us clears her throat. "The show starts in five minutes!" She shouts.

"Let's go find a good spot."

Our attempts to find a good spot are hardly successful. I'm twice as tall as everypony here, so we have to be separated from the main group if I don't want to block the show for anypony else. Rainbow's annoyed by the choice and I give her the option to stay in the crowd, but she refuses.

Right after we find our spot, the show starts. The crowd cheers. Rainbow and I join in. The show starts off like a Blue Angels show would have on Earth, but with seven ponies rather than four a tight diamond formation. The Angels had an impressive diamond. The Wonderbolts have an even more impressive one. Theirs seems to be even tighter. I'm not sure if it's because the Wonderbolts have three extra ponies or if they're actually closer.

The group pulls up then splits apart, with three on each side and one in the middle. "That's a vertical break. Spitfire's the one in the middle." Rainbow tells me. I don't know how she can identify Spitfire from here. Spitfire flies off away from the audience, then turns back towards us. The ponies that split from her get into two groups of three. Two of the ponies, one from each group, pull up and prepare for a loop. "Ooh... This must be the Piercing Heart."

The two ponies pull in for a loop. With where they're at now, they're probably going to form the upper tip. Spitfire's flying towards where the tip is going to be. With the speed she's going at, I half expect her to perform a Sonic Rainboom.

When the three ponies seem to meet up, the crowd cheers loudly.

Spitfire suddenly descends rapidly. Is the show over already? It was pretty damn short if it is. If Spitfire is about to land, she should slow down. I'm not an expert, but her position doesn't look like it would work, either.

"Oh shit, she's going to crash..." Rainbow says.

Holy fuck, she's right.

Spitfire looks like she's trying to pull up to not hit the ground with her face. It works for the most part. She lands on her upper chest.

Her landing looked absolutely horrible. I can't tell exactly what happened to her from this distance. She appears to have all of her limbs intact, but a wing refuses to fold up.

I look at Rainbow. Her hooves are covering her mouth. She has tears in her eyes.

After several long seconds of not moving, Spitfire crawls to her hooves. The crowd cheers louder than any concert I've ever been to. Seeing a pony walk on all her legs after having a bad crash landing is a good reason to cheer. It's also a good reason to get nightmares.

Spitfire takes a step, but falls to the ground. Several ponies from the tents rush towards her. They carry her into one of the tents.

Rainbow Dash stands up. I feel like she just recovered from shock. I look into her eyes. She's focusing on Spitfire. "Are you okay?" I ask her.

She doesn't reply. She takes a step forward, towards the tents. I know the look on her face. I've seen it a few times on Earth. I won't be able to stop her from walking, so I follow her.

She walks up to the tent the ponies, presumably medics, brought Spitfire into. They walk out of the tent. "You're free to talk to Captain Spitfire." One of them says as the two walk away into another tent. The pony that spoke to us looked really shaken up.

Rainbow, without a word, walks into the tent. Spitfire is in a bed. Her wing has been wrapped up in some sort of bandage. The same kind wrapped around my hand. There's another bandage wrapped around Spitfire's torso. "Hey." She says.

Rainbow shakes her head. "Hi, Spitfire. How're you feeling?"

The Wonderbolt half smiles. "I've had better days. The wing's broke. I cracked a few ribs." Spitfire glances at my wrapped up hand. "Looks like you had a pretty bad time, too."

I hold up my hand and look at it. "Yeah. It wasn't anything too serious."

Rainbow looks at my hand. I don't think she's seen it yet. "What happened to you, anyway?"

"I burned myself."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Rainbow's voice has more worry than almost anybody else I've heard in my life.

"I was in the hospital. I wasn't in any position to leave. I thought somepony else would have told you."

"Nopony did, though." Her voice is suddenly downcast.

"That's probably because burns aren't anything serious." Spitfire replies. Her voice is practically drowning in sarcasm. "'Oh, just a scratch. I'll walk it off.'" She says in a surprisingly and impressively accurate imitation of my voice. I feel like I should give her money for that. Her imitation gets a smile out of Rainbow, too.

"Could I ask how the accident happened?" I ask. "I didn't get a good look."

"Neither did I, honestly." She tries to fold up her wing. She winces in pain. "When you're going that fast, you can't see very much. My guess is that my wing hit somepony's back legs." She rubs the back of her neck. "I don't think I'm going to be performing again anytime soon."

Rainbow and I leave the field. “That was fun, for the most part.” Rainbow says.

I nod. “Yeah. That was worth going to. The Wonderbolts kind of reminded me of the Blue Angels.”

“Who are they?”

“They’re a group of pilots back on Earth.” She turns her head slightly, like a confused dog, at the word ‘pilots.’ “They fly planes.” She’s still confused. “Okay… Planes are like pegasi, but their wings can’t move. The Blue Angels are… supersonic silver flying machines made of metal.”

“Oh. I think I get it. How can metal fly?”

“They’ve got engines. I don’t know how they work or how to explain them, but they move fast enough for the wings to pick them up in the air. I don’t have any idea how they move in the air.”

“Damn.” She sighs. “Do you wanna go on another date again?”

So this was a date? Before, I was scared out of my mind about it being romantic. In hindsight, I was freaking out about it way too much. I liked it. I guess it was romantic, from a certain point of view. I mean, Spitfire's crash wasn't exactly something that would be seen on a normal date.

After experiencing a date with a pony, it was pretty much like any other date I’ve been on. I’d be willing to go on another.

“Uh… Yeah, sure. To where?”

She thinks about it, then shrugs. “I dunno. Wanna go camping?”

“Sounds nice. I’ve been camping a few times. It wasn’t like going out with nothing and eating bugs and shit like that. It was just the standard camping trip with tents and stuff.”

“You ate bugs?”

I chuckle. “No. Not me. Some people did. I’ve never found the thought of biting the head off a scorpion and eating it to be very appealing to me.”

“That would be pretty badass, though.”

“So I’ll bite the head off a scorpion and eat it. It’s suddenly appealing to me.”

Rainbow breaks out into laughter. “I’d give away a cup of cider to see you do it.”

Author's Note

Yes, I do know that 'bow ties are cool' is a reference to Doctor Who, more specifically the ones with Matt Smith as the Doctor. That doesn't mean Mark does. Mark and I are different people.
On a different, more somber note, the airshow accident is inspired by the Ramstein airshow disaster, the second deadliest airshow disaster in history. There are clips of it, but I wouldn't recommend watching them. They're hard to watch.

19: I'm A Believer

"You know, Rainbow, I've never really been much of a dater. If there are more dates like this for me in the future, I mean without a pony almost dying, I'd love to go on more with you."

"There's more where that came from." Rainbow punches me in the shoulder. "I don't think there's gonna be many more Wonderbolt shows for a while. Camping's an option, like I said."

"I can go camping with you. Any place in mind?"

She nods. "Yep. I've been to a nice place by Everfree on a beach. It's just a river. It's kinda hard to find oceans in the middle of the continent."

"I can be by a river. I've spent nearly all of my life by the ocean. A change of pace is always nice."

"Alright, cool. Let's go the day after tomorrow. That's my only free day for a week."

"I can do that. Stop by my place when you're ready. You know where I live, right?" She nods.

Rainbow Dash and I head our separate ways. She flies off to wherever. I'm stuck to walking. Having wings must be cool. I don't think there's any ways for a human to get wings, though. Would somepony be able to help me out with that? Maybe one of the three Princesses. I feel like Twilight would be the one to ask.

I push the thought from my mind and save it for later. I recall Rainbow saying Applejack needed help with her barn. That would be a good distraction. It could also be an excuse to talk to Applejack and her family again.

Although, I did promise to say hi to Hammer again. I'm a man of my word, and I never promised to meet up with the Apple family. I will after I talk to Hammer.

The walk to Ponyville's center market isn't that long. A few ponies say hi to me on the way. It's good that they're getting used to me rather than driving me off into the Everfree Forest with pitchforks and torches. I've never really wanted to be Frankenstein's Monster before and I don't plan on it.

"Hey, Mark." Hammer says once I arrive at her stall. Nopony's buying from her. Now that I think about it, I'm the only one that bought anything from this stall. "Feeling better?"

I shrug. "The hand's about the same as it was. I also went on a date."

She chuckles. "Congrats, Mark. Ponies are starting to realize you're not an asshole. Who's the lucky mare?"

"Rainbow Dash."

"I don't know who that is." She rubs the back of her neck. "Actually, I don't really know many ponies here. I don't even know why I asked. Eh. If she's a friend of yours, she's a friend of mine."

I look up. As if fate wanted it to happen, I see Rainbow Dash in the sky. I call to her. She lands next to us. "Hey, Mark. I don't have much time to talk."

"I just thought I'd introduce you to a friend, Hammersmith Apollo." I say, gesturing to Hammer. The two tap hooves.

"I take it you're Rainbow Dash?" Hammer asks.

Rainbow nods. "Yep. Fastest flier in Ponyville and soon to be in all of Equestria!" She unfolds her wings.

Hammer smiles and blows some hair out of her eyes. "I'll have to see it to believe it. Show me some time."

"I will. I've gotta get back to work. Talk to you two later." She flies off.

Hammer looks at me. "I think you're the lucky stallion."

"Thanks, Hammer." I tell her.

"Seriously, you're lucky. She was sexy. I'd fuck her."

I blink. Hammer's into mares? I didn't expect that. "You're bisexual?"

She shakes her head. "Nah. Lesbian."

I almost thought she was coming onto me, too. If I had a bit for every time that's happened to me... "You're incredibly open about this." I rub my chin.

"It's not illegal."

"Good. I like Equestria better every day." Hammer laughs. "Sorry to disappoint you, Hammer, but Rainbow's not really into mares."

She looks down at the wood. "The sexiest ones never are."

"If I find any lesbians on my travels, I'll let you know."

Hammer looks back up. "You met Celestia, right?" I think she's trying to change the subject. I wouldn't blame her.

"Yep. Why?"

"Is she into mares?"

I wasn't even close to being right about the subject change. "I don't even know if Fluttershy's into mares and I lived with her for a few days. Why'd you ask?"

"I know I'm never gonna be able to fuck the Princess. I need to keep my hopes up. If she is, I'd let you watch us, maybe." She winks at me. She forces back laughter.

"What the fuck, Hammer."

"Are you not familiar with what lesbians do?"

"I used to live with one. Yeah, I'm familiar." I clap my hands together to signal my changing of the subject. "Well, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna help out Applejack with raising her barn."

"Need a hammer to help?"

"Yeah, probably." I know I already bought one from her. I just don't remember where I put it. I'll probably find it once I get back home. "Thirteen bits, right?" Hammer nods. I pay for it and leave with a fresh claw hammer. I don't have any special place to put it, so it gets a spot in my front pocket.

By the time I make it to Sweet Apple Acres, I already have a bruise on my thigh. I didn't think that through. "Hey, Applejack." I say to the orange mare, who's standing next to a tree, once she's in sight.

"Hiya, Mark." She says. She bucks the tree. All of the apples in it fall into buckets. Flying's one thing. Magic's another. Being able to accurately predict where apples will land is simple, but awesome. "Are ya here to help the family with the barn?"

"Yep." I take the hammer out of my pocket.

"Yer probably not gonna need that." I sigh. I bruised my leg and gave away thirteen bits for nothing. Eh. At least I've replaced my hammer. "We've never used hammers an' nails before."

"Which probably explains why your barn collapsed again." I put emphasis on that last word. "I'm using the hammer."

Applejack flinches slightly, almost like I just punched her. "We're more of a family that follows tradition." She says once she recovers. "It keeps us kinda stable."

"Like a fiddler on the roof?"

"Yeah, kinda like that." For once, a pony doesn't question one of my references. "That's a kinda weird analogy."

Dammit, Applejack. You shot me down when I was just taking off. "So, can you point me to your barn?"

"Yah've seen it already. Shouldn't ya know where it's at?"

"I barely know the layout of my own house."

Applejack's only response is a stare. "Maybe Ah should get somepony else tah help out." The slight smile on her face tells me she's joking. Oh, insult based humor... I can play this game, too, Applejack.

"Says the one that doesn't even use nails. It's basic carpentry."

"Ah don't need any nails."

I don't know if that's confidence or absolute idiocy. "Whatever. I'm still going to use them."

"Where are yah gonna find 'em?"

"I didn't think about that." I could go back to Hammer's stall and grab some nails. I don't know if she has any, though. Plus, I'm already at Sweet Apple Acres. "Eh, I guess I'll just go without them, then."

"That's more like it." Applejack says with a mix of enthusiasm and victory. "Could yah follow me to the farmhouse? We'll talk 'bout what we'll do for the barn."

I follow her. Inside the farmhouse is a tall red pony with a large collar that's probably made of wood. I think I've met him before. "Big Mac, right?" I ask him.

"Eyup." He says. I wait for him to add something else. He doesn't.

"Have we met before?"

"Eyup."

Is that all he says? If so, his vocabulary is still more diverse than the average pop rap song. "Oh, yeah. I remember meeting you here a while ago." I stretch my arms. "Anyway, for building your barn, I'm probably not going to be able to help out. My hand's in bad condition."

"Didn't yah burn it or somethin'?" Applejack asks.

I nod. "I can at least guide you a bit. Like the foreman." I think that's the foreman's job, at least. "Could you take me to where the barn's going to be?"

They take me outside to a plot of land with a small pile of wood cut into 2x4s and other lengths. "You're going to need more wood, unless you've already got enough."

"We've got plenty of wood, straight from the tree." Applejack says.

"You just use raw wood?" I ask. "You don't put anything on it? No lacquer or anything?"

"Nope." Big Mac says.

I groan. "That's probably why this thing keeps falling over. I'm not a construction worker, but I know that lacquer makes wood stronger. Plus, you don't even use a hammer. It's like you just put the wood where it should go and hope for the best." Nopony says anything in response. "You do that, don't you?"

"Eyup." Big Mac reluctantly admits.

"It's worked for us before." Applejack says.

"Which is why we're here raising your barn. Sometimes breaking tradition is just what you've gotta do to get shit done." I rub my head. I'm going to need an aspirin. Or some alcohol. "I'm gonna let you do this yourselves. I can't do much to help you out because of my hand." I lift up my injured hand. "You said you've got a sister, right?"

"Applebloom, yeah. If yah wanna talk to her, she's prob'ly in the treehouse with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo."

"I'll be there if you need me." I tell them and head outside. Finding the treehouse isn't difficult at all. It's in sight of the front door. I walk towards the treehouse. Instead of wood planks nailed to the trunk of the tree, there's a slope. It makes sense, seeing as how ponies don't exactly have any fingers to climb ladders.

I take a step on the slope. The door of the treehouse opens. A yellow filly with a red mane and wearing a similarly red bow pops her head out. "Hiya." She says. "Yer that Mark fellow that's been goin' 'round, right?"

"Yeah. Are you Apple Bloom?"

"Yep. Do yah wanna come in? It's gonna rain tonight. Bein' outside in the rain's not very fun."

No shit. "Yeah. Thanks, Apple Bloom. It's weird that I haven't noticed it before, but she doesn't seem too surprised, startled, or scared to see a creature nearly four times her size.

"Thanks, Apple Bloom." I walk up the slope.

When I reach the top, she stops me with her hoof. "Mah friends aren't exactly... Into news. Ah doubt they know much 'bout yah."

"So no sudden movements. Alright, I got it."

She opens the door. "Ah'm back, an' I got a new friend."

"Does she have a cutie mark?" A voice from inside says.

"Ah dunno." Apple Bloom gestures for me to step inside.

I do. Inside is an orange pegasus with a purple mane and a white unicorn with a light purple and pink mane. Both of the two are fillies. The two stop dead in their tracks the second they see me. "Hi." I give them a slight wave of the hand. "I'm Apple Bloom's friend. I don't have a cutie mark."

I think I'm about as scared as these two are, but in a completely different way. It's obvious why they're scared. I don't want them to over react and cause a small stampede. If they do and it kills me, I think I'd be okay with it. There couldn't possibly be a cuter death. Of course, I'd rather want to die a badass death. Maybe a sword fight on top of an icy mountain? That'd be fucking awesome.

"Uh..." The slight noise derails my Train of Thought. "I thought the group was for ponies only." The pegasus says. "I know we're going out to get cutie marks, but I thought only ponies could get them. It's kind of common sense that only ponies would be able to join is."

I let out a deep sigh of relief. It's kind of saddening that I won't die a cute death. An awesome one's still possible, I guess. "I thought you were going to freak out about me."

"Nah. I pay attention to the news." The pegasus replies. "It's kind of hard to hear about a myth coming to life. Especially when they just went on a date with my idol."

I blink. I didn't expect fillies to know about my romantic life, especially when it's basically just started today. News must travel fast in Ponyville. It makes sense. There can't be more than a couple thousand ponies here.

20: Into the Wilderness

I ask for the pegasus’ and unicorn’s names. The pegasus is Scootaloo and the unicorn is Sweetie Belle. Is it a law in Equestria for ponies to have cute names? I know the Wonderbolts didn’t have necessarily cute names. Maybe they were born outside Equestria.

“So, what do you three do around here? I heard Scootaloo mention something about finding cutie marks?” I ask.

“Yep! We’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” Apple Bloom says. Her volume would make Metallica impressed. “We do whatever we can to find our cutie marks.”

So they’re looking to find their destinies. I can respect that. “'Mark' just so happens to be my first name. I could help you out.”

The three of them try their best to not die of heart attacks. I should be careful of not giving them their first heart attacks. I don’t want to be responsible for killing these three fillies. Being put in prison for murder wouldn’t be good for my image. Not to mention the fact that my next date with Rainbow would probably be canceled. And something about having to live with being responsible for the deaths of a few fillies, probably.

"What sort of things were you thinking of doing?" I ask. Probably something along the lines of cooking or housework? Maybe helping out with rebuilding the barn.

"Goin' to Everfree an' campin' for the day."

"I don't know if that's a good idea. Everfree's dangerous. Bad things could happen to us if we go inside."

"Which could help us get our cutie marks." Scootaloo points out.

A camping cutie mark probably wouldn't be very helpful in life. "Are you sure you'd want a lifetime of camping? If I were you three, I'd focus more on something I'd actually enjoy doing. Sure, camping's fun and all, but I wouldn't want to live in the woods for my entire life."

The three don't say anything for a while. They just look at each other and seem to have a silent conversation. "Nah. We're gonna go campin'." Apple Bloom says.

"For cutie marks or for fun?"

"Cutie marks!" The three of them shout in unison.

Exhibit A to why I don't want any kids. They tend to either give me headaches or get me drunk. By 'get me drunk,' I don't mean they spike my drink with alcohol. It's a lot more indirect than that. "I don't think that's a good idea, going into a place that'll likely get you either killed or put you in the hospital for months."

"Come on, Mark." Scootaloo says. She gives me puppy dog eyes. The other two join in.

I can't beat that. They're just too damn cute. "Alright, alright. You've convinced me." I'm always a sucker for a cute face. Beating three of them is nearly impossible.

"Yay!" The three cheer. Dear Epona, please let my death be quick and painless.

The forest isn't that far from the tree house. I look at the barn. Applejack and Big Mac have already started to rebuild the barn. One of the sides is already up.

"Good. They're raising the barn." Scootaloo says. I look at her. "I think that's the ninth time it's fallen over this year."

"Eighth." Apple Bloom corrects firmly. She has a tent, or maybe tents, strapped to her flanks. I don't know how she got that there when I wasn't looking. "There was one in December. That was last year, Scootaloo."

"That was after Hearth's Warming. That's basically this year."

I look back at the barn. During the brief conversation, the side has fallen down. Maybe I should go back and help them. I turn to the Crusaders. They're having an argument. I don't listen to it. I'm so tempted to go back to the Apples and help with the barn. But, I did tell them I'd be with the Crusaders, and that's what I'll be doing. I'm a man of my words.

"So." I clap my hands together. The sound is louder than I intended to. Scootaloo literally jumps nearly two meters into the air. I stare at her. Is she related to Pinkie Pie? If I think too much about that, I'll end up with a headache at best. "Anyway... Shouldn't we be going to Everfree?" I mentally face palm. I thought I was against going in there at first.

"Yeah." Scootaloo says once she recovers. "Let's go."

To describe the inside of the Everfree Forest simply: It's dark as fuck. If I put my hand half a centimeter in front of my face, I still wouldn't be able to see it. It's more black than a Type O Negative album.

"I can't see shit in here." I've always been great at expressing my thoughts.

"Watch your language. There are foals present." Scootaloo says.

"Ah've heard worse from Big Mac." Apple Bloom says.

I bump into something, probably a tree. It hurts a lot. It's not exactly 'hand burnt in a fire' pain. "Ow, fuck!"

"Never mind."

I rub my forehead. I don't feel any blood. "You don't seem to shocked at my language. Usually, kids are a lot worse with that kind of stuff."

"Like Ah said, Ah've heard worse from Big Mac."

"Whatever. I'll try to hold back." I keep rubbing my head. I feel a headache coming along. I could probably use an aspirin once I'm out of here. "How exactly are we going to be camping in here? I've already established that I can't see shit."

"There's a clearing up ahead. I think, at least. I'm going by memory." Sweetie Belle says. She's been kind of quiet during the short walk. "It's brighter in there."

"So in there I'll be able to see. And we're going to camp there for the night?"

"I dunno. Are we, Apple Bloom?" Scootaloo asks. They didn't even talk about spending the night here? There's Exhibit B.

"Prob'ly not. Ah guess it's Mark's choice."

I shrug. Dammit. I forgot they can't see what I do. "We should leave before night comes. I've got plans." Plans of drowning in alcohol.

"Where's the clearing, Sweetie Belle?" Scootaloo says.

"Around here, I think." Sweetie Belle replies.

"You think?" I ask. "Are we lost?" A wolf howls in the distance.

"Probably not."

"Oh for, fu..." I cut myself off. I said I'd hold back, and I intend to at least make an attempt. "I mean... Dammit. I can't think of any euphemisms."

"What's a euphemism?"

"I'll tell you later." I say. The area ahead is slightly brighter than the absolute black of the forest. "There's the clearing. Probably."

"Yep! That's it!" Sweetie Belle says. I can't help but smile at her enthusiasm. If I hang around with these three enough, I'll probably overdose on adorable.

The four of us enter the clearing. I take one of Apple Bloom's tents and set it up. It unfolds faster than I expected it to. As if to insult me, part of the tent hits me in the cheek. I touch where it hit. The damn tent drew blood. This is why I don't go camping.

I set up the tent without managing to injure myself anymore. It's kind of alright, for the most part. I'm not an expert on tents, but this one could probably stay up for a day or two. As long as it's up for the night, it's good for me. Now that I've said that, it's probably going to collapse in a few minutes.

"Not bad." Scootaloo says from my side.

"Thanks. It's not perfect, probably, but it's the best I could've done." I feel like I'm talking about a painting rather than a tent. If this was a painting, it'd probably be a Picasso or a Pollock.

"I'd sleep in it." She says. If she were older, I'd almost take that as flirting. Almost. Seeing as how she's probably no older than seven, I doubt she intended that.

"Before you do, I should probably get some wood for a fire. Campfires are a thing in Equestria, right?"

"Yeah." A wolf howls in the distance.

"Then I'll make this time one of those times." I check my pocket for my lighter. It's there. I don't know if it'll start a regular fire or send a bunch of wood to Princess Celestia. "I'll be back in a few minutes." I say and start to walk into the darkness.

"Um..." Scootaloo says. I feel something pulling on my pants. I look down at Scootaloo to see she's biting on my jeans. She spits them out and makes a face like she's gagging. She shakes her head rapidly, almost like a wet dog drying itself. "I wouldn't go in there alone if I was you."

"I know." I state simply. "I'll be fine. I can get wood by myself." I pull out my lighter walk into the Everfree. I flick the lighter on, allowing for some actual light. A flashlight would be a lot better, but I doubt they exist in Equestria. The technology here is shit. I hit myself in the forehead. Why didn't I use the lighter on the way to the clearing?

Over the span of about ten minutes, I gather up some kindling and wood. During that time, it began to rain. Having to carry all the wood with just one arm severely limits what I can carry. I guess I could possibly carry it in both of my arms, but I'd risk setting it on fire, and possibly myself, while carrying it. On my way back, I hear a wolf howl in the distance. I step into the clearing and put my lighter back in my pocket.

I almost drop the wood and kindling at the sight. The tent's been ripped to shreds. The Crusaders aren't anywhere to be seen. A wolf howls. This wolf isn't in the distance. I set the wood next to the remains of the tent. I don't see any blood, fur, or feathers around the campsite.

I take my knife out from my pocket. I'd much rather have some sort of firearm instead of my seven-centimeter long knife. Having a knife is better than just having my fists. Behind me, another wolf howls. I turn around. Nothing's there. Just a bunch of trees. With another look around, the idea that the trees are howling ingrains itself deeper in my mind.

Despite the thought, I keep my knife out. If my thought is accurate, where are the fillies? What happened to the tent? They're not the kinds of ponies to rip the tent and run off into the forest. I'm tempted to go into the forest to look for them. I don't have any idea what direction they would have gone.

Another wolf howls behind me. I turn to it. I see a pair of lights in the tree line. They almost look like glowing green eyes.

A force coming from my side knocks me down into the muddy ground. My knife goes flying away. I turn on my back. A creature resembling a wolf made of wood is standing over me. The beast growls. I throw a punch at it, aiming for the throat. It connects. I feel something in my hand break. The creature doesn’t even flinch. Dear Epona, please let my death be quick and painless. It opens its mouth. I close my eyes and ready myself for death.

Death doesn't come. I don't feel anything on my throat. Instead, I hear a cracking noise. I open my eyes. The beast seems to be frozen in time. No aura surrounds it. "You entered my forest. Leave now." A female's voice says. I blink. The beast gets off of me. I stare at it. Its mouth is still open.

It runs off into the forest. My body almost forces itself to crawl to its feet and leave the forest.

I exit the Everfree to where I entered. The Crusaders are there at the entrance. "Where where you?" Scootaloo almost shouts.

"A timberwolf chased us out of there while you were in the forest." Sweetie Belle says softly. I can barely hear her. I hardly know pony body language, but with the way she's shaking, I can tell she's terrified.

Timberwolf... That has to be some sort of sick joke. "I was getting wood to burn. I told Scootaloo." Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle glare at the pegasus. "You don't have to worry about them anymore. Just stay out of the forest."

"You saved us?" Sweetie Belle asks quietly.

"Yeah. Yeah, I did."

"You killed one?" Scootaloo asks.

I hesitate to answer. "...Yeah. I killed one."

Shortly after, the Crusaders go back to the clubhouse. I look to the work in progress barn. Three walls are up. I head back to my home. I'm going to just stay there until my date with Rainbow Dash and hope my heart rate stays stable.

21: Hearts on Fire

The next few days pass by in silence. By 'silence,' I mean no wolves made of trees tried to kill me or talk to me. I prefer that sort of silence. After I 'saved' the Cutie Mark Crusaders, many ponies tried to visit the local 'hero.' I kept my doors open to only eight ponies. Four used them. Those four? Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Applejack.

I return home from Sweet Apple Acres after the barn collapsed. Again. I helped rebuild it this time instead of going with the Crusaders for their crusading. I don't want to risk angering a deity again. I'm surprised the meeting with whoever that was didn't give me any nightmares. Princess Luna and Epona might be partially responsible for that. If that's the case, I need to thank them later.

As if to interrupt my thoughts, Twilight appears next to me. I don't know if she landed there after flying or if she teleported there. "Good morning, Mark." She says to me. "I feel like I haven't seen you in over a month."

"It's only been a few days." I say to her. "You had the opportunity to visit me."

"I'm sorry. If I could have taken any of them, I would have." Twilight says. "I was busy."

"Twilight, not too long ago, somepony told me not to be sorry about things you can't control." I tell her, recalling what Fluttershy told me shortly after I met her. I slide my hands into my pockets. They're empty. I thought I had my Swiss army knife in here. I usually keep it with me. It's not back home. Shit. Where did I put it?

The memory of what happened in Everfree comes back to my mind. More specifically, the part where I dropped my knife. I didn't pick it back up. Fuck. It's been days since that happened. Everfree is massive and pitch black. I'll never be able to find it again. Fuck.

"Are you alright?" Twilight asks.

I nearly forgot she was here. "Yeah. I'm alright." I half lie. I quickly tell her about my knife.

"If I ever see wander across it, I'll give it to you." She says with a smile on her face.

"Thanks, Twi. You're a great friend."

"It's what I do." She says with a soft giggle.

"Hey, Twi, do you want to stop by my place?" I ask in the spur of the moment. I feel like I've barely talked to half of my friends in a long time.

"I don't see why I can't. I'd love to." She says. The two of us take the short walk to my place and stop outside the door. The whole building, inside and out, still isn't anything special. If I was an asshole, I'd ask somepony for a bigger house. But I'm not, so I don't. "Do you have any tea at your home? I've been visiting Rarity for the past few days. She's kind of gotten me addicted to it." She adds a short laugh at the end of her statement.

"Tea? I don't think so." I say. "I've got coffee. Do you like coffee?"

"I haven't tried it yet, honestly." She admits with a hushed sigh.

"I think you'd like it. It's good in stressful situations, mornings, and stressful mornings."

"Then I'll have some." She says almost hastily. "I haven't had a slow morning in months." She admits. I feel bad for her. I want to hug her now. "What kind do you like?"

I rub my chin. "I like it black." Just like my metal. "I wouldn’t recommend black for newcomers.”

She puts on a grin. “Let me try it.”

“Really? It’s kind of bitter.”

"I'm always willing to experiment."

I shrug. "If you say so." I open the door to my house. Twilight studies my house. To describe it in one word? Messy. I've got clothes strewn about the place. There's a few stains on the floor. A cliche mother would call this a pig sty. I call it home.

"Are you.. Used to this?" Twilight asks after sufficiently looking at it. I can see a look of mild disgust on her face.

"Yep. It's actually cleaner than my room back on Earth." I admit to her. "Truth be told, most of the mess back then was because of my roommate."

She nods slightly. "Uh huh..." She's still looking around. It's like she's looking for something of hers. "How do you find anything? It's chaos in here."

I shrug. "Yeah, it's chaos. It's... Systematic chaos." I say. The reference to the Dream Theater album isn't intentional. "I'm better at finding stuff like this than I am with my shit actually organized."

"You almost sound like Rarity." I blink. When would Rarity ever have a messy house? Or even a messy room? "Didn't you say you were going to make me some coffee? I'd like to try it out."

"Thanks for reminding me." I say to her. I start up a small pot of coffee. Twilight and I continue to talk for the few minutes it takes for the coffee to heat up. I hand her a cup, which she takes in her magic. Her aura feels like... Honestly, I can't compare it to anything else. It's just so unusual. I don't even know if it feels more like a liquid, solid, or gas.

Twilight takes a single sip of the coffee. Less than a second later, her face scrunches up and she spits it out. “Dear Celestia, that’s really bitter!”

“I told you it's bitter.” I take sip of my coffee.

“I don’t think I’m going to have anymore coffee.” She sets the cup down.

I take her cup. “More for me, then.”

She looks at me drink in what could best be described as horror. “How do you…?”

“It’s an acquired taste.” I say with a drink.

“Yeah… I thought you were more of an alcohol person?”

I shrug. “Sometimes. Alcohol’s better for recreation. Or celebrating.” I take another sip of the coffee. “Or forgetting.” I reluctantly add. I’ve drank to forget before. It never really seemed to work for me.

Twilight doesn't say anything in response. She just looks down at the table. "You okay, Twi?" I ask.

"I'm fine." She says. She's definitely hiding something. I'm not going to force it out of her. I would if I was an asshole. But I'm not, so I don't.

"Alright. If you say so." I finish the drink and set the cup down.

She looks at the clock on my wall. "Celestia, it's after 8 already? I need to get back to the castle. It's after Spike's bed time."

"Think you can come over tomorrow?" I ask.

"I will if I can." She stands up. "I'll see you soon, Mark."

"See you. Tell Spike I said hi."

"I will. Goodnight."

"Night." I tell her. She leaves my home. I stand up and head for bed. I haven't been up for even 12 hours yet, but I'm exhausted. I have been the last few days. I’ve been like this since that time in the Everfree. I walk to my bed and fall on it. I fall asleep almost instantly.

"Mark Cleveland." An ever familiar voice says. I feel like I haven't seen Epona in a long time. "Word amongst my fellow deities indicates you have met another."

"Yeah, I think. I was in the Everfree Forest." I start. I tell her what happened about the timberwolf.

Epona nods in understanding. "Yes. That was Everfree. You can guess on your own what she governs."

"So, she's the deity of the forest? That explains why it's so different from Ponyville."

"Actually, Everfree is the forest." Epona clarifies. Is she fucking with me? "The entire forest is the physical manifestation of a deity." She adds, confirming that she is not, in fact, fucking with me.

That also means I met another deity. With that, something comes to my mind. "Are you telling me I was literally inside a god?"

"Not exactly. If you were inside the trees, then yes." She replies.

If I had a body, this is where I would rub my chin. "So do all deities have physical... whatever you called them's?"

"Manifestations." Epona replies. I have no idea what that means. "We can all change our appearances whenever we wish. We have no 'true form.'" She almost gags. "I hate having to use that phrase..." She says under her breath. I have to remind myself to smile about that later. "All deities within my pantheon do usually have preferred appearances, however. This is mine. As for if we are all physical? That depends. The pantheon is large, so I cannot remember if every deity is physical. I can currently recall nine that are."

"Are you...?" I ask.

She shakes her head with a deep sigh. "No. I am not. I am..." She struggles for a word.

"Intangible? Abstract?" I offer.

"Abstract could be accurate." She replies. Epona looks off to the side then back to me. "I apologize, but I must go now." She says with a bow of the head.

"Goodbye, Epona."

She fades at the sides. Part of me feels like this is the last I'll see her. The rest of me feels like the first part is an absolute idiot. "Goodbye is only accurate if we will never see each other again. This won't be our last meeting."

Before I get a chance to respond, my vision fades to black.

I wake up with an actual amount of energy. I feel like I can actual stay awake for more than 12 hours. Good. The date with Rainbow Dash is today. I stand up out of bed. I think this is the first time in my life I haven't spent time in bed trying to wake up.

There's a knock at the door. I haven't even been awake for a solid 60 seconds yet. If that wasn't perfect timing, I don't know what is. I open the door to reveal Rainbow Dash and an exhausted looking Twilight Sparkle to the inside of my house.

Rainbow looks inside my house. "I still haven't met any stallions with clean houses..." She mutters. "Are you ready?"

"Yep." I reply simply. "Why did you bring Twilight?"

"Somepony's gotta teleport us there. The place I have in mind's kinda far away. Normally I'd just fly there, but..." She gestures to my lack of wings.

"Yeah, I get you." I reply. "Oh, before we go..." I say and head inside my house. I return with three bottles of wine and a small tent. I don't even remember getting a tent.

Rainbow looks at the bottles with an expression that makes her look like a teenage girl that just met her idol. I'm suddenly reminded that I have no idea how old Rainbow Dash, or anypony else for that matter, is. I imagine Rainbow's around my age. Rainbow turns to Twilight. "Are you ready to teleport us?"

Twilight's response is a simple grunt. Wow. She's terrible with mornings. Her horn lights up. Rainbow and I are surrounded by her aura. My vision fades briefly to black. The color returns shortly after. We're in a different area. A beach by an ocean. It almost reminds me of the Pugent Sound. There's significantly fewer skyscrapers and pollution here.

Rainbow looks at me. "So... I heard how you saved the Crusaders.” Rainbow says. That's one way to start a romantic day. “That was amazing, what you did. I wish I was there so I could’ve seen it.”

Shit. I want to tell Rainbow that I didn’t actually kill a timberwolf. She’d probably tell other ponies about it. That might ruin my reputation. I don’t want to be seen as a liar. Not saying something isn’t exactly lying.

I put on a fake smile. “I managed to do it without cutting myself open, too.”

I spot a patch of beautiful looking flowers. I stop walking next to them. Rainbow does too. I lean down, pick the flowers, and turn them into a sort of a bouquet. I hand it to her. “Thanks, Mark.” She says with a beautiful smile. Then she eats the flowers.

I blink. “Uh…”

She swallows the flowers. “What?”

“...You ate the flowers?”

“Yeah. I did." She replies. "Ponies do that.” She adds.

“Oh. Oh! Yeah, yeah, I knew that.” No I didn’t. “I was just…”

“You didn’t know that.”

I rub my neck. “No…”

“Welcome to Equestria.”

“I knew you ate hay.”

“But not flowers.” She scolds me. She can’t wipe the smile off her face.

"Suck a dick, Rainbow." I say with a chuckle.

"If you're not careful, I will." She replies. Well. I didn't see that coming. I struggle to come up with something in response. Rainbow blushes deeply. "Yeah... We're too soon into this for that..."

I feel like I dodged a bullet. I don't want to get into a sexual relationship too soon. I don't even know if I ever want to get into one with a pony. To literally fuck a horse? That's just not something I think I can do. Even if we were hypothetically deeply in love.

"So..." Rainbow says, killing the awkward silence that I didn't even notice. "The ocean's beautiful." She says.

"Yeah." I reply. What I said earlier led to a painfully awkward path. That's not something I should have said. "It's really blue. The bluest water I've seen."

"Water's really blue in Equestria. What color's Earth water?"

"Naturally, it's blue, but not nearly this blue." I reply. "Most water I've been exposed to was polluted. I'm not gonna get into that too much. Not during a date. Talking about how shitty Earth was isn't very romantic."

We spend the next two hours in our tent talking about a lot of things. Her relationship with Scootaloo and the other Crusaders is a pretty major topic. She told me she sees Scootaloo as a little sister. I could actually see that.

"So, Mark. Did you have many friends back on Earth?"

I shrug. "Sure. I had a few. Not nearly as many as here." I say. I realize now just how depressing that is. I haven't even spent a month in Equestria and I already have more friends than a planet I've lived on for 23 years. I guess it makes sense. This is a place that Ringo Starr would absolutely adore. It's filled beyond the brim with love and kindness. I prefer it here. "You know, Rainbow. I don't think I've told you how beautiful I think you are."

She puts on an almost nervous smile. "Yeah? I don't think I'm beautiful. Sure, I look awesome, but beautiful's not the word for me."

"I'm not an expert on beauty, but you're definitely up there."

She raises an eyebrow. I think she almost looks like Dwayne Johnson when she does that. It doesn't matter what I think. “Okay, Mark. I get it. You think I look beautiful. You can’t think I’m the most beautiful pony.” Rainbow says.

I’ve heard this on dates before. No matter my response, it’s never ended well for me. So I tell the truth. “No, you’re not.” Rainbow gasps slightly. “If I wanted to go for beauty, I’d be dating Rarity. But I’m not dating Rarity. I’m dating you. I focus more on the personality than looks. I like Rarity, but our personalities are too different to get romantic in my opinion. I’ve never really cared for fashion. I like you for you, Rainbow. Appearance doesn’t matter to me. It’s like wrapping a present. Do you keep it for the wrapping or for the present? I keep the present for the present. I’ll tell you, Rainbow, you’re one hell of a present with a beautiful wrapping.”

“That… Thanks, Mark. Thank you.” Rainbow says. She wraps me into a hug. “You know just what to say. Have you said that before?”

“No. That was all off the top of my head. All of it’s true, though. I like you for your personality. Sure, you’re good looking, but that’s not why I’m here on this date with you.”

Rainbow giggles slightly. It kind of surprises me. I’ve never heard her giggle before and I never thought I would. She gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Have you ever been with another mare before?”

That question’s kind of out of nowhere. “Not another mare. Not a pony, I mean. I’ve been with human girls, though. Nothing really long term, though.”

“Oh. I think I get it.” Rainbow says. “I haven’t had many good relationships, either. My last one was probably the worst.” I almost don’t notice her shudder.

“Is it something you want to talk about?”

She shakes her head. “No. It ended badly. That’s all I’ll say about it.”

With how she said that, I almost don’t want to know about it. I’m curious about it, though. For better or worse, I’ll probably hear about it later. If this relationship with Rainbow keeps going, that is. “Are there any other relationships you’d like to talk about? I mean, this is our second date. If we’re going to keep doing this, we should get to know more about each other.”

“Is that something you did on Earth?”

I shrug. “Some did. I never really did, to be honest. I was bad like that during my relationships.” I sigh. “I’d like to this time, partially so I can change myself for the better. I’d also like to know more about the Equestrian culture.”

“Alright, then.” Rainbow says. She lies down next to me on her stomach. “I’ve dated a few others. There was this stallion I was with for about a week. Nothing serious. Just a few dates. We only kissed once. We stopped after this other bitch came along.” She says. I can tell she’s pissed off about what happened. I know exactly what happened between the three of them just by her tone.

“Sorry. I’ve been in that situation before.”

“Yeah. There was this gryphon I was with for a while.” She says, replacing her angry tone with one that sounds more… lost. “I knew her since we were just fillies. We dated for about a year before she had to move a few years later. She showed up in Ponyville sometime last year. We reunited. It was good for about a day. I found out the hard way she turn into a complete and utter bitch.” She says, hiding her face in a pillow.

“You won’t have to see her again, Rainbow.” I say, stroking her mane.

“Good.” She sighs. She raises her head and looks up at me. "Still got that wine?"

I smile. "Yep. How much do you want?"

"Enough to get me drunk." She says.

We spend the next few hours drinking as much alcohol as our bodies will allow. Some drink to remember. Some drink to forget. I know what Rainbow's doing with it. I'm not sure how I'm using it.

After at least ten cups, Rainbow looks like she's about to vomit. "Hold up, Marf..." She says to me before she takes her next cup. "It's kinda loud. I'mma do somethin' 'bout it." She stands up and staggers out the tent. With just the words she's used so far, I can tell she's drunk. Very drunk.“Hey ocean!” Rainbow shouts. “Could ya shut up for a minute? I’m tryin’ to sleep. Don’ make me get my… my guy to learn you up a lesson! He’ll teach you up a bit of stuff about noises!” I crawl out of the tent. Listening to her ranting at the water is funny enough. Seeing it has to be better.

At least it would if Rainbow wasn't on the sand looking like she's asleep. I walk to her and pick her up. She isn't very heavy, surprisingly. Now that I think about it, her light weight makes sense. She's kind of like a bird. Birds have hollow bones. She probably does, too. I carry her to the tent.

Rainbow falls asleep in that position some time later. I leave the tent, partially to escape her snoring. It’s night outside. I look up. The entire sky is completely full of stars. Like it was before, it’s breathtaking. This is a sight I doubt I’ll ever get used to. Part of me doesn’t want to. I want to just look up at the sky at night and always be amazed by this beautiful sight.

A faint hissing hissing distracts me. A snake must have wandered into our makeshift campsite. Call me strange, but having lived in a big city for my entire life, I’ve never ran into many snakes. I can count the amount of snakes I’ve seen in real life on one hand. That includes the ones I've seen at the zoo. My brother did tell me a bit about snakes and how to not get bit by them. Grab them at the base of the head. Snakes are fast, but I think I can do that. I’ll grab this snake and show it to Rainbow after she wakes up. If she doesn't think I'm badass already, she will after this. I move to the noise and move a bush out of the way.

The thing behind the bush isn't a snake. It's a chicken. Part of it is, at least. The head is a chicken. The rest resembles a dragon. The thing's eyes glow green. I hear a noise that reminds me terribly of the scene from Clash of the Titans with Medusa. I take a step back. This fucker is going to turn me into stone.

My legs stiffen and I fall backwards. My head bounces off a rock and makes my vision blur. I close my eyes.

I crawl back as best as I can with my legs stuck in their position. Crawling backwards is hard enough. Crawling backwards with closed eyes is even harder. Crawling backwards with closed eyes and stiff legs is next to impossible.

My head bumps into a tree. “Fuck! Somebody! Help!” I’m not normally one to scream for help. Since I’ve got a gorgon that’s probably thirsty for my blood, I’m a little bit more than desperate for my life. I’ve already died once. I don’t want to die again. And I don’t want to be killed by a fucking chicken.

The chicken makes a noise at me. It sounds like a mix of a regular chicken's squawks and a snake hissing. The only other sound I hear is my heart beating loudly.

"HEY!" A voice shouts. Less than a second later, I hear the sound of bones breaking. “Holy shit, Mark! Are you okay?” The voice says again. I hope it's Rainbow Dash. I can’t identify it. My heartbeat is too loud.

“Who is it?”

“Rainbow Dash. Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.” I open my eyes. Rainbow’s eyes are bloodshot. “What the fuck was that thing?”

“Cockatrice. I’ve ran into one before.” Rainbow says, looking at the direction of the chicken thing. It's more than five meters away. It’s not moving. I hope it’s dead.

I look to my legs. They’re completely covered in some gray material. I try to move them. Nothing happens. I look up at Rainbow. “I can’t move my legs.”

“Shit.” She looks at them. “Oh, shit.” She turns back to the cockatrice, then back to me. She moves so fast that I think she teleports. She returns in less than two seconds. “Shit. I killed the cockatrice.”

“Why does it matter? Isn’t that a good thing?”

“No. They’re the only things I know of that can undo this.”

“Oh fuck no. So I’m stuck like this?”

“Probably…” She says slowly. “Maybe Twilight can help you? I’m sure she’s got a spell…”

“What if she can’t?”

“Maybe Zecora can.”

“Who?”

“She’s a zebra. She lives around here.”

“What if she can’t help?”

“Then Princess Celestia and Princess Luna will find a way.”

“Then get one of them.”

“I’m not going to leave you alone, Mark.”

“I don’t give a fuck! Get somepony!”

“You’re legs are stone!”

“Do you think I don’t fucking know that? I’ll be fine. Get somepony.”

“What if a timber wolf comes around? You won’t be able to defend yourself.”

“Then fly fast.”

She sighs. “Okay… I’ll be back as soon as possible.” She hesitates to go.

"Go." I tell her firmly. She flies off for help.

22: Painkiller

The sheer silence of the forest is deafening. I can't hear anything other than my heartbeat. Nothing. Not even the wildlife of the Everfree. It might as well be completely empty. The silence reminds me of when I first came to Equestria. I might be the only living creature in the entire forest. I hope I am. After that cock-a-whatever tried to kill me, I'd love to be the only living thing in a hundred kilometer radius.

I look up at the sky. I think that's the first time something tried to kill me. Sure, I've been bitten by spiders and stung by wasps, but I'm pretty sure I was just in their territory. The same could be said with the chicken fucker, but it didn't have to try to turn me into fucking stone.

There was also that timberwolf in Everfree. That thing had a lot of chances to kill me, but it didn't take any. It was being territorial like the spiders and wasps, but it didn't kill me.

To accurately describe being stuck away from anything living? It fucking sucks. My fate reminds me of a book I read a long time ago. I don't remember what it was called, but a soldier in the first World War was caught in some kind of explosion. It didn't kill him, but it damaged him to the point where he lost all his limbs and practically all his face. His mind still worked perfectly. I feel kind of like that guy, but I've got it slightly better.

I hear shouting in the distance. I turn to the source. I faintly see Rainbow Dash flying and Twilight sprinting towards me as fast as they can. They get here within five minutes.

The two stop when they get to me. Twilight looks at my legs, then back to my face. "Rainbow told me exactly what happened. I'm going to bring you to my home so I can help you."

I'm being flooded with relief. "How are you even going to get me there? I'm at least twice your weight, Twilight."

She glares at me. She turns to a nearby rock. Her horn lights up. The rock does too. It floats in the air.

I look at the rock with a blank expression. "Oh. I forgot about that. Think it can pick me up?" Her only response is covering me with her aura. I float easily off the ground. Twilight's expression doesn't change. "I take that as a 'yes.'" I say to her.

Twilight carries me through Ponyville with Rainbow following us. Since it's still night, there aren't a lot of ponies out in town. The few that are just look at the strange sight without saying a word.

"When you get better, let me know." Rainbow says to me. She flies off towards her house in the clouds before I get a chance to reply.

I really don't like this lack of communication Rainbow and I are having. The only chances we've had to talk a lot were on our two dates. Sure, they were good conversations, but they shouldn't be saved for special occasions.

Twilight opens her door, seemingly ignoring what Rainbow just said to me. She carries me through the short halls and into her library. She sets me on a comfortable couch that I barely fit in. At least it's comfortable on my back. I don't have any feeling in my legs.

Twilight sighs and stares intently at my grey-colored legs. The stone is even covering my jeans. If Rarity sees these, she's going to be pissed. "Can't you do something about my legs?" I ask her.

"I'm thinking of something I can do. I'm not a doctor... I might know a spell." She replies.

"Use it. It can't make my legs any worse."

Twilight aims her horn at my legs. Both light up in her aura. It feels like my legs are getting blood in them after hours of having no circulation. The two of us watch as my legs slowly regain their color.

Twilight looks up at me. "Try to move your legs." She orders.

I do as she asks. The joints at the thighs move with some difficulty and a lot of pain. My knees and ankles aren't so lucky. They're stuck. Almost like they were just fucking stone a few hours ago. "I can't move my knees or ankles."

Twilight exhales through her nose. She looks back at my legs. "Huh..." She says under her breath. She looks back up to me. "I'm not a doctor or anything, but I think you'll need crutches and physical therapy for a while."

I lean back and fight back a groan. "Fuck... Alright."

She gives me a slight scowl. Probably because of what I said. If that's the case, I'm not going to apologize for that. "I'm going to take you to the hospital tomorrow, Mark."

I exhale. Can I go one week without being put into the hospital? "If I wasn't practically paralyzed, I'd do something to stop you." I tell her. She half smiles. The grin drops just as soon as it appeared.

"Do you think there's any damage inside my legs or anything?"

She shakes her head. "It's not very likely. I've never seen any cockatrices cause internal injuries." She shudders.

If my legs weren't stuck, I'd lean towards her and pull her into a hug. "Have you... Seen one before?" I ask. Her only response is a slight nod. That's all I need to know what happened. I don't want to know what it's like to be completely turned to stone. "Then I'm glad Rainbow killed that one." I say. That gets a smile out of Twilight.

"As much as I want to talk with you," Twilight says, "I'm going to need to sleep. I'm exhausted. Tomorrow's going to be a busy day. I've got to get enough sleep for my... For my thing." She adds in a yawn.

"Alright. Good night, Twilight." I say. That triple rhyme was unintentional. "I'll just sleep on your couch, I guess."

"Night." She rubs her eye and heads to her room.

Hours pass by slowly. I've got a great view of a window displaying the night sky. It's a shame my date was rudely interrupted. I'm going to ask Rainbow on another date. I'd like to have one here where neither I nor nopony else is injured. It's depressing that a lack of violence is my goal for the next date and not necessarily having it be romantic. It's hard to find a good story with violence and romance in it.

A soft clopping of hooves on crystal separates me from my thoughts. I turn my head from the window to the source to see Twilight.

"You're still up?" She asks while rubbing an eye.

I nod. "Yep. I can't sleep."

"Insomnia?"

I shake my head. "I don't have insomnia, no. I'm just not tired." I reply. I think the cockatrice is to blame.

Twilight grunts softly. "I can't sleep either." She admits. "The bed just isn't comfortable." She looks up at me with puppy dog eyes.

"Are you asking to sleep on the couch with me?" I ask. She turns her head away. "If that's a yes, then you can." I shift my weight so there's more room on the couch.

She turns back to me. I see part of a blush on her face. It's hard to see in this lighting, not to mention the color of her coat. Twilight wordlessly jumps up on the couch next to me.

"Mark?" Twilight asks softly.

"Yeah, Twilight?"

"Do you ever... Miss your home? Where you used to be? Before Equestria?" She asks.

I look her in the eyes. I have to thing about that. "You know, Twilight, that's the first time anypony's asked me that." I admit to her. I lean back the best I can and sigh. "I don't think I have an answer, honestly. I haven't even thought about it..." I admit. I think that's the worst possible answer for this question.

I look at Twilight. She looks like she's about to fall asleep any second. She blinks. "I'll ask again in the mornin'." She yawns and closes her eyes. Her head flops onto my chest. "Night, Mark." She says right before she passes out.

I smile at the adorable sight. "Night, Twi." I wipe a few hairs from her eyes. I lean my head back and close my eyes. I wish I could fall asleep like that tonight.

Twilight yawns herself awake. She slowly brings herself off my chest and wipes something out of her eyes. "Hi, Twilight." I say to her.

She literally jumps off the couch and into the air. She notices this at her peak and starts hovering with the aid of her wings. She looks at me with panic in her eyes. Her expression melts with a sigh of relief. "I forgot you were there." She admits with a smile. Twilight lands next to the couch. "Can you move your legs?"

I try to move them. They do, but it hurts a lot to move them. I say this to Twilight. I stretch my arms. "My legs'll get better later. How'd you sleep?"

She pulls her eyes from my legs. "That was my best night's rest I've had in months." She tells me. "I had an amazing dream, too."

I look at her and wait for her to tell me about it. "You're not going to tell me, aren't you?"

Twilight blushes deeply. Her face turns to the shade of a ripe jalapeno pepper. "You wouldn't understand it!" She says hastily. It's almost a shout. "I mean... You haven't been around Equestria enough."

"I haven't even been in Equestria for a month." I say. "There's kind of a reason why I haven't seen much of the place."

"One of these days, I'm going to show you the world."

"Got any time in mind?"

"Whenever you're ready." Twilight says.

I lean back in the couch. I'm glad I was sent to a world filled with such kind creatures. It's probably one of the best places I could have been sent to. It's not a utopia, but it's pretty close to one. I think Equestria would be better with modern Earth technology or something similar to it.

That reminds me... "Twilight?" I ask. She looks up me. "Are there any refrigerators in Equestria?"

She tilts her head slightly. "A what?"

I take that as a 'no.' "Is there something I can put foods and drinks and shit like that to cool them down? To preserve them? I've got a whole bunch of wine that'll go bad if I leave it out in the sun."

She rubs her muzzle. "Not that I know of. I can make something for you, though."

"I didn't know you were a construction worker."

"I'm not." She clarifies with a smile. That's not very reassuring.

"As long as it doesn't fuck up the atmosphere, I think it'll be okay, then."

"I don't see why it would." Twilight replies after half a second of hesitation. "I'm going to get that done now. I'll be getting materials for it. I'll be back in half an hour." She lights up her horn and some saddlebags that were outside my field of vision float onto her back.

I nod in understanding. "Thanks, Twilight. If you see the blacksmith, Hammersmith Apollo, tell her I said hi."

"I will." She says. "I think I'll be stopping by there anyway. She makes tools, right?"

"Yep. Some damn fine ones, too." I say. I don't know if that's true for certain. I still haven't used that hammer I bought from her yet. There's no harm in a little advertisement for Hammer's business, though.

Twilight grins. "Then I'll be stopping by there. I'll be back soon." She says. I bid her a temporary farewell before she leaves the room.

I sigh. And now to pass the time. This time's different from last night. I actually had something to listen to. Twilight's breathing isn't exactly Judas Priest, but it's better than nothing. Speaking of that, where the hell is my iPod? I check my pockets. Empty.

Shit. I left it at home.

The door opens. "I'm back." Twilight says to me. Her saddlebags are filled with a bunch of stuff I can't see.

I let out a deep sigh of relief. "Thank all the deities above!" I nearly shout. "And whatever deities may be below. And the ones on this planet. Holy fuck, Twilight. You had no idea how bored I was."

Twilight raises an eyebrow. "Did Spike not come out?"

I shake my head. "No. I haven't seen him in a while, honestly. Not since..." I struggle to remember the last time I saw that little dragon. "Canterlot, I think. When I first visited the other Princesses."

Twilight takes her saddlebags off. "Have you met Princess Cadence yet?"

Shit. How many Princesses are there here? "Not yet."

"I'm going to have to arrange a meeting for you two sometime soon." Twilight says softly. I can tell that was to herself and I wasn't intended to hear it.

Twilight opens her saddlebags. "So what did you get?" I ask. Twilight replies by emptying the saddlebags. Inside was a surprising amount of wood, a hammer, a bag, and several transparent bags of ice. "How did you fit all that stuff in there?"

"Eh..." Twilight responds. She's like Robert Frost when it comes to phrasing things. "I got these saddlebags from Pinkie." She suddenly looks exhausted. She stretches her rear legs. "Anyway, I'm going to start building your... What did you call it?"

"Refrigerator." I say.

Twilight snorts. "That's a strange word for what you want. I'd call it an insulator or maybe a cooler."

"There are coolers on Earth." I say. I don't think I've heard of an insulator before. I know that's what fridges and coolers do, but I've never heard of anything actually called that before. "How are you going to make the ice last? I don't want to have to get a bunch of ice every time it melts."

"Let me actually build this cooler before we get to that, okay? I have an idea." Twilight says.

"You're going to build it yourself?"

Twilight nods. "Yep. I asked the blacksmith to help me. She told me, and I quote, 'I'm a blacksmith, not a carpenter.' Of course, she was a bit more... vulgar with her phrasing."

I suppress a giggle. That sounds like what Hammer would say. "Alright, then. I'd offer to help, but..." I gesture to my legs.

Twilight builds the cooler in less than forty minutes. That might sound impressive, but it really isn't. The cooler is only about the size of Twilight. I could build one in half the time.

Twilight pours the ice inside the cooler and casts a spell on it. She turns to me.

“With this spell, the ice melts ten times slower than usual in room temperature.” Twilight leans in towards me slightly. “Actually, between the two of us, it’s only eight times slower. Saying ten just sounds better.”

“I can’t argue against that.” I say. “I wish I could pay you back. Whenever I get better, do you want to stop by my place for coffee? I can put something in it this time.”

“No thanks, I’ll pass.” Twilight says rather quickly. She must have really hated that coffee.

I shrug. "Suit yourself then."

Twilight looks down at the ground. "I wish you worded that differently. 'Whenever I get better' sounds so... negative." I raise an eyebrow. It doesn't sound very negative to me. Twilight looks back up at me. "I'm going to send you to physical therapy."

'Therapy.' Fuck that. "I'm fine." I say and cross my arms.

"Are you?" Twilight asks with skepticism and suspicion. "Then stand up."

I glare at her. "You're not my mom, nor am I your bitch."

She returns my glare. "Mark. Go to physical therapy. You need it."

"I told you I'm fine."

"You sound just like Rainbow Dash."

"I don't need physical therapy."

"Then come over here and say it to my face." Twilight bares her teeth. If they were sharp, they would be threatening.

I fake yawn. "I thought we already established that you aren't my mom and I'm not your bitch."

"Mark. You're acting like a child."

"I don't need physical therapy." I repeat.

"Thank you for proving my point." She says.

"I'm not moving."

She rubs her temple and sighs. "Alright, Mark. You win." She admits. I smile. "Do you want to go out for ice cream?"

I drop my smile. "I'm not falling for that."

She lets out a groan of frustration. "Damn you!" She shouts at me. "I'm done trying to use words!" Her horn lights up. I do to.

"You cheating little shi-" I start. She interrupts me by locking my jaw with her magic. I glare at her. Twilight starts walking towards the door. I float off the couch and towards the door. I feel like a balloon.

23: Walk of Life

“Twilight.” I say. “Set me down.”

“No.” Twilight replies.

"Twilight." I say with more force. "Come on."

"No."

"You're being worse than my mother was."

"Then your mother wasn't hard enough to you."

I sigh. I'm not going to be able to stop her from this. "For fuck's sake, Twilight. Seriously. Let me go."

"If I drop you right now, you won't be able to move." She replies.

That's actually a pretty good point. "So take me back home."

"No." Twilight replies.

"Alright, fuck it. I'll go. You're picking me back up when I'm done, though." I say. She looks at me with a confused expression. "Do you expect my legs to work perfectly after the first day?" I explain. There's a bit more to the explanation that I'm not going to tell her. The first thing I do when my legs work is kick her ass. I'm not even going to walk before then.

"Good point. I'll pick you up in a few hours." Twilight says. "I hope you make some friends there." She says with a giggle. I give her a soft glare. "I feel like somepony's mother bringing her filly to their first day of school." She explains. I don't reply. Twilight looks at me expectantly. "It's a joke."

I snort. "Hardly."

Twilight glares and continues to walk. She remains silent for the rest of the brief trip to the hospital. The doctor inside, who happens to be a winged mare, looks up at the sight of a Princess carrying a human with magic. Aside from her, the room is devoid of ponies. "Um... Can I help you two?" She asks with an enthusiastic voice. I can tell she's trying to fight off the confusion.

Twilight clears her throat. "Mark here needs physical therapy for his legs." She says. She starts telling the doctor the story of my legs, though skipping the part with the cockatrice. "His legs aren't circulating blood properly and are stuck in this position. Can you help him?"

"Of course we can help him." The doctor says. She gives me a smile. I return it. She drops her smile and quickly whispers something to Twilight, who shakes her head after. The doctor lets out a sigh of relief. "Then we will help him, too."

"Thank you." Twilight says. "Where do you want me to put him?" She asks. I hate how she's treating me like I'm some sort of fucking item. I need to kick her ass later. Saying something wouldn't help me out at all.

"Follow me, Princess." The doctor replies. She walks down a hall and into another room. Inside the room is a bathtub. Next to that is some sort of wheelchair. It looks like one from Earth, but longer. "Set him down on here." Twilight does as the doctor says. "We'll take care of him, Princess. You don't need to worry."

"Thank you." Twilight says. "I'll be back to pick him up in a few hours." She heads out of the building.

I look at the doctor. "How are you going to help me get my legs back to working condition?"

"A series of experiments." She replies.

"So you're just going to... Fuck around with my legs?"

The doctor giggles at that. "Not at all. We know exactly what we're going to do." She says. I feel a shiver run down my spine. I don't like the way she said that. "First, you're going to have to take a hot bath."

"Do I smell bad or something?"

"No. Well, yes, but that's not the point." She replies with a smile. "The heat will help your legs. Princess Twilight did say your legs didn't have a lot of blood circulation. Hot water helps with that."

It does? I haven't heard anything about that. Of course, I never really cared for science or anatomy. "You're the doctor."

"Technically, I'm just a nurse at the moment. I'll bring the doctor in." She says before heading out. A few minutes later, an older mare walks in.

She grunts. "You can't take a bath with clothes on." She says. Unlike the previous mare, there's not even a hint of a smile on her face.

“You’re not worried to see me naked?” I ask the doctor.

She looks me in the eyes. She looks half asleep. “I’ll have you know that I’ve seen a lot of penises. A lot. I’ve worked here for only eight years, but I’ve seen enough penises that I could claim I’ve worked here for a lifetime. Half of the stallions that have came here tried to… Well, fuck me.” She groans. “So, no. I’m not worried.”

I blink. I wasn’t expecting that. “A simple no would have worked.”

“Whatever.” She exhales through her nose. "Now, get your clothes off and get in the bathtub, please."

If she was a human, I'd find that order to be incredibly sexy. But she's not, so I don't. I do as she asks. The doctor doesn't change expressions even as I remove my clothes. She does, however, look slightly impressed that I'm flexible enough to remove my shoes without having to bend my knees.

I crawl into the bathtub from my wheelchair with difficulty. The water inside the bathtub is hot. It's not warm. It's hot. I almost feel like these ponies are going to eat me, like they're cannibals in some old cartoon. Thank Celestia they only eat hay.

"How long do you want me to stay in here?" I ask the doctor.

She pulls her head away and tilts it slightly. I don't know why she's doing that. "You're a lot bigger than anypony. I'd say about two hours." She answers and heads out of the room. She closes the door on her way out. She didn't even allow me to ask how the bath water is going to stay hot for two hours.

I groan loudly. Two hours of just sitting. I really should have brought my iPod.

The two hours pass by painfully slowly. Of all the boring times I've had in my life, the two hour long bath is easily in my top three most boring moments ever. During that time, I noticed that the water never changed temperature. It didn't cool down at all. I have no idea how, though. Probably something to do with magic? It's the only thing I can think of.

The door of the room opens, exposing the older doctor, who has a towel, and Twilight to my vision. I notice a blush on Twilight's face. The doctor's expression hasn't changed from before yet.

"Time for you to come home." Twilight says.

It's about fucking time. I never should've left. "Help me get out of here." I command. Twilight's horn lights up. I do too. "I said 'help me,' not do it for me. Don't use your magic on me."

"Sorry." Twilight says before killing the magic. The two ponies do their best to pull me out of the bathtub. With Twilight looking away in hopes of not seeing my dick, it's very difficult for them. The doctor doesn't seem to care, though. They put me in the wheelchair and the doctor, with my help, dries me off with the towel Twilight brought. I put my clothes back on. My pants aren't even remotely comfortable. I feel like my legs are numb. It's probably just the denim that's fucking with my legs.

"Alright, take me home, Twilight." I say.

Twilight, with a deep breath, turns around to face me. Without a word, she pushes the wheelchair out of the hospital and to my home. She fortunately doesn't use her magic.

She stops at my door. "You know, Mark... You weren't being very nice to me back there."

"I know." I reply. "At least I didn't force someone to go somewhere they didn't want to go."

"I'm sorry about that." Twilight says piteously.

"Honestly, Twilight, I don't give a fuck if you had good intentions or not. You forced me to go, and that's what I'm pissed off about." I tell her. She hangs her head. "Don't get me wrong, Twilight. We're still friends. If you force me to go somewhere like that, I might have to change that fact."

Twilight doesn't reply for a while. I don't know if she heard the last couple of sentences or not. I kind of don't care. "I'll... I'll just be on my way." She walks off with her head still hung low. I move inside. I don't feel any regret.

Hours pass by. I spend them finally listening to music. A knock on the door interrupts me. I take my headphones off. “It’s open!” I shout so whoever behind it can hear me.

The door opens and I look at it. At the door is none other than Princess Luna. “Hello, Mark.” She says and steps inside. She closes the door with her magic.

I look for something to say. “Uh… Hi.” I say after fumbling around in my mind. I’ve always had a way with words. “Is… Something going on?”

“Nothing special, in particular.” Princess Luna replies. “I simply wished to check up on you.” She gives me a faint smile. “Do I need to remind you of what I did to your hand?” She points her horn at the hand I burned a while ago. It’s still wrapped up, not that it’s still injured. I just don’t want anypony to worry about the scars.

“Oh, yeah. I remember.” I say. “What about it?”

“Well… I fear the magic I used on it is conflicting with your recent injuries.” She looks at my legs. I see worry in her eyes.

I rub my neck. “Yeah… How did you hear about that?”

“Twilight sent me a letter.” She replies simply.

I suppress a groan. "Oh." I say, successfully fighting back audible frustration at Twilight. "Why do you think that?"

Luna just looks at the floor. "It's happened before."

Oh shit. "If something bad's going to happen to me, tell me now." I say to her. "If I'm going to lose my legs or be paralyzed forever, I want to know."

She lifts her head back up. "I doubt anything that bad is going to happen to you. At least it didn't happen to that poor pony." Luna says.

"Is this a story you're going to tell me?"

Luna shakes her head. "Not at the moment."

I lean back and rub my head. I guess that's a good thing. "So... Why do you think my body's going to react to the spells?"

"I heard from Twilight that you were naturally resistant to magic, so I used a bit more than I’d give to a normal pony.”

I rub my chin. Normally, I'd ask how much magic she used. I still don't know a damn thing about magic here. "Thanks for telling me, Luna."

Luna nods with an adorable smile. "If you ever wish for more information, don't hesitate to ask."

"Thanks again, Luna. I owe you."

She takes a step forward. "I know a way you can pay me." She says with a flirtatious smile.

Holy. Fuck. "Um... Luna?"

She places her front hooves on my couch, both flanking my hips. She leans her head in. I close my eyes.

The next thing I know, her hooves are around my shoulders. I feel Luna's head next to my ear.

My eyes open. I look around. Luna's hugging me. Well then. She pulls away from me. "Hey Luna?" I ask. She looks me in the eyes. "Can you spare some time?" I ask. "There isn't a lot to do around here, admittedly. I've got a bit of wine." I look over to the cooler Twilight built for me.

Luna looks at it. I watch her face as a smile grows on it. The smile falls after a second. "As much as I wish I could, I have to decline." Luna turns around towards the door. "I must go now. Goodbye, Mark."

"Bye, Luna." I say. I can hear defeat in my words. I'm sure Luna does too. I look away from the door. The Princess opens my door.

"You have another guest." Luna says. I look back at her. Rarity's at the door.

"Come on in, Rarity." I say. She does. Rarity says hi to Luna as she leaves.

Rarity looks behind her. "Might I ask why Princess Luna was here for you?"

I stretch my body. "She just wanted to check up on me." I start telling Rarity the brief story of why Luna was here.

Rarity nods. "I see." She says. I'm starting to notice how similar her voice and Luna's voice are. It's eerie. It's almost like they're the same pony.

"Are you here to check up on me, too?" I ask.

Rarity nods. "Of course I am. I've heard of both of your injuries, and I'm terribly sorry about them. If there's anything I can do for you, please, don't hesitate to ask me."

I look down at my legs, then back to Rarity. "Could you make me a few new pairs of pants? Something out of a different material? The denim’s just bothering my legs.” I explain to her. "I think silk is good? I'm not an expert on clothing materials. You would know better than I do."

Rarity puts on a smile. "I can, and I will. There's no need for you to pay for it."

"I'm going to pay for it." I say forcefully. "And don't give me that 'anything for a friend' speech. I'm going to pay for your work. You put effort into your clothes. Paying you money isn't the least I can do, but it's the least I'm going to do."

She shrugs. "If you're so insistent, I won't stop you." She says. "You seem awfully adamant about it. More so than usual. Did something happen to you?"

I don't know what adamant means. I've heard of adamantium. If adamant's anything like adamantium, it's a compliment. "I did just have a pretty bad argument with Twilight not too long ago." I admit to Rarity. I didn't even intend to say that. Now that I have, I've set myself down a path I can't go off of, so I continue going. I explain to Rarity the causes of the argument. I force myself to add in that Twilight and I are still friends.

"I'll have to have a word or two to Twilight about this, then." Rarity says after a brief silence. "Friendship is magic, as Twilight says, but it's not always permanent. I do wish it was."

I sigh and hang my head. "Me too, Rarity. Me too."

24: Run to the Hills

"I'll be back with your requested clothes as soon as I possibly can." Rarity says.

"When you're back, you can just open the door. You don't have to knock." I say before she heads out of my house.

After Rarity leaves, I lean back. I never noticed how easy it is to make me bored. I would take a shower to kill the time, but I don't want Rarity to walk in on me showering. Not to mention that I can't even stand up in a shower right now. Any of my other ideas for passing the time would probably involve nudity in some way. A shower's probably the best idea, even if I can't stand while having one.

Besides, I could really use a cold shower right now.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." I repeat as I try to get out of the shower. In hindsight, taking a shower with this piece of shit legs was a terrible idea. Getting inside the shower was easy. If I keep this up, I'm going to end up falling on my face and breaking my jaw.

After at least twenty minutes of uncomfortably trying to get in the shower, and another forty of getting in and actually showering, I manage to crawl out and into the wheelchair. The payoff isn't worth the time and effort. The wheelchair is still uncomfortable.

Getting my clothes back on takes far less time, fortunately. There's a knock at the door just after I get the last piece of my clothes on. "Rarity? If that's you, come in." The door opens to reveal Rarity with a surprising amount of clothes. By the looks of it, just pants. "Damn, Rarity. You made all of those in an hour?"

"Most of them, yes." Rarity replies. I see a faint blush on her cheeks. She floats them over to my side. "About 25 percent of them were from before, when you first asked me to make clothes for you. I know you asked for denim back then, but I just got carried away."

I hold up a hand. "That's alright, Rarity." She smiles at that. "I've just gotta say thanks." I tell her. I look at the pants again. A scowl crawls onto my face. No matter how hard I try, I can't wipe it off.

"Is anything wrong with them?" She inquires.

"Why are they so fancy? I don't have anything wrong with fancy, but I just think they'd be for casual events, not dinners in Canterlot." I reply. I'm not sure if all of Canterlot is fancy or not. Equestria just kind of seems like the place to have cities that fit into one stereotype. Kind of like how planets in Star Wars have only one biome.

Rarity gives me a smile. “Every mare’s crazy for a sharp dressed stallion.” Rarity replies. Now I can’t imagine her with a long beard. Surprisingly, the mental image looks good. I think she could pull it off. Rarity pulls her eyes away from me. "I'll have to get going. I promised somepony that I would help them with a... Oh, how can I put this kindly? A... Fashion disaster."

"Alright. See you later, Rarity." I say and give her a wave goodbye. She leaves my home. I lean back in the wheelchair. I need to get some sort of padding for this piece of shit.

I hear a knocking on the door. Damn. How many ponies are going to talk to me today? “It’s open!” I shout so the pony behind it can hear. The door opens. A dark pink mare with a two-toned light pink mane and tail steps inside. This mare has three daisies as her cutie mark. “Oh, hello.” I say to her.

“Hi, Mark.” She says. I want to ask her how she knows my name. Then I remember I’m twice as tall as everypony and stick out like a drunk man in a fancy restaurant. “My name is Cheerilee. I’m the teacher at the schoolhouse. Would you be willing to stop by someday soon and speak to the foals? They heard about what happened between you and Apple Bloom and her friends.” She asks with a cute smile.

I hesitate to answer. If I accept, I’ll be swarmed by little equines and possibly die from an overdose of adorable. If I refuse, I’ll be seen as an asshole. “Yeah, sure. I’ll go.” I say. I accept my death. “My legs are kind of… fucky, for lack of a better word.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Can you elaborate?”

“They don’t really work. I’m going through physical therapy so they’ll be less fucky.”

Cheerilee blinks. “I’m pretty sure there’s a word for that.”

I shrug. “If there is, it’s not in my dictionary.” I reply. “So, do you have any date for my visit in mind?”

“I was thinking next week, seven days from now.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll be free then. My legs should be less fucky by then, too.”

She groans. “Could you at least not speak like that around the foals?”

I shrug. “I’ll do my best.” The Cutie Mark Crusaders didn't seem to complain.

She exhales through her nose. "Well... Alright, then. I'll see you in a week." She says with a nod and heads out of my house.

Night comes by slowly. Sleep comes by even faster. The sun invades my eyes and forces me open. Sometimes, I think Princess Celestia is doing that on purpose, positioning the sun perfectly so it hits me in the eyes. I rub my eyes and sit up. I'm not a morning person, to be honest. I just hate spending hours staying in bed and not being able to sleep.

I look around for the wheelchair. I see it on the other side of the room. There's no way I can get to it without crawling there. If Rarity just happened to come in to check up on me, she'd see me fucking up her new clothes for me. I'm not going to do that.

I sit on the side of my bed and just glare at the wheelchair. It's just sitting there, mocking me in all it's mobile gloriness. Fuck you too, wheelchair.

I scratch my head. Maybe I could take it as a sign that I can actually walk now. I haven't even tried to since I was put in it. I shrug. Fuck it. I'm trying.

I firmly put a foot forwards and push my body up. My leg holds my weight. I smile. I move my other leg towards the wheelchair. That one holds too. I take another step without any difficulty. I pump a fist.

I've got to let somepony know that my legs are actually being legs again. I grab a nearby piece of paper, which is just a napkin, and a pen and start writing on it.

Dear Princess Luna,

My Princess, I can walk!

I look at the letter. These ponies don't have Dr. Strangelove, so they aren't going to understand that reference. Ah, fuck it. I'm keeping it like that. I should also probably add my name.

Now that I think about it, Luna probably doesn't get a lot of letters sent via magic, and certainly fewer from ponies that can't walk. She should know who this is from. I set the letter on fire. It disappears like it usually does when I do that.

I rub my chin. I should send a letter to Rainbow Dash. I don't know if she would get it, though. I shrug and write one up to Twilight. It's basically the same as the one I sent to Luna, but with an added message asking if Twilight could also tell Rainbow Dash. I set this one on fire, too.

A few minutes later, I hear rapid knocking on the door. By 'rapid,' I'm talking about a speed that would make DragonForce impressed. Before I even get the chance to say anything, it opens. A blue blur enters less than a split second later and tackles me onto my bed. I look at the thing on my chest. "Hey, Rainbow Dash." I say.

She wraps her hooves around me. Her wings extend. "Hi, Mark." She says after a second. She doesn't add anything else.

And so we stay there for a few hours. I love these silent moments. Dates are fun and all, but I don’t think they can ever beat these kinds of times. There’s just something about doing nothing and having Rainbow close to me. I can’t easily tell what it is that I love about just laying here. It’s certainly better than watching a pegasus almost killing herself or me being turned halfway into stone.

"Mark?" Rainbow Dash suddenly asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Yeah?" I ask. "What's up?"

"Just a question. Do you ever think about your past? Before Equestria?"

I shift my weight. Honestly, this is a question I never expected to be asked. I should have expected it sometime. "You know, Rainbow..." I start. I let out a sigh to stall a bit. "Honestly, no. I haven't." I admit. It surprises her just as much as it surprises me. "Barely, I mean. I've just had thoughts of my brother and Dana, my best friend. I haven't had any other thoughts. I haven't wanted to go back to Earth for any reason."

Rainbow Dash stays silent. I wait for her to say something, but nothing comes out from her. I move to get a better look at her face. It shifts from something that I don't have enough time to identify to a nearly expressionless face.

"But," I continue, "I definitely prefer Equestria. Earth was filled with assholes, to put it kindly. Equestria's easily the best place I've ever been in. It's not a utopia, sure, but I'd rather live here than shithole Earth. There were plenty of beautiful cities, don't get me wrong, but looks can be deceiving."

Rainbow nods once. "I get it." She says in response. She doesn't add anything to that.

"Is something on your mind?"

She huffs out a sigh. She shakes her head. "No. Nothing important." She lifts her head. "Well, it's probably important."

"What's up, Dash?" I ask.

"An old... 'friend' showed up here while you were recovering." She replies. Her emphasis on 'friend' tells me that this new pony is an asshole.

I push myself up. Rainbow jumps off me. I stand up on my feet. "Let me meet her." I crack a single finger with my thumb.

Rainbow notices that. She looks up at me and smirks. "You're going to hate her." She walks out of my house and I follow her. She continues walking somewhere.

"So, where is this mystery mare?" I ask.

"Sugarcube Corner." Rainbow replies.

I look up at the sky. "Shouldn't it be closed by now?"

"Yep."

I blink. I doubt Rainbow's referring to Pinkie or any of the Cakes. I don't think they had any arguments or fights recently. Besides, I don't hate any of them. Pinkie's an adorable ball of insanity and the Cakes are rational and most likely not insane. I couldn't name anypony that Rainbow could be talking about.

Rainbow guides me to Sugarcube Corner. Inside is a single creature sitting at a table facing away from the door. I now know why I couldn't name a single pony like that. This creature? She's not a pony. She's vaguely equine in form, but looks like she was fused with a bird of prey, like a vulture or a falcon.

The creature turns to us. She looks at me with curiosity. "What are you supposed to be? An ape?" I bite down on my lip to keep from speaking out. I bite hard enough to draw blood. It tastes terrible. She looks at Rainbow. "Got a new friend, Dashie?"

I glance at Rainbow. She's rearing down, like she's ready for a fight. "Shut it, Gilda."

I lean in towards her. "You know her?"

"Don't remind me." Rainbow replies.

"I can hear you two." Gilda, the creature in front of us, interrupts. "You're being boring." She gets out of her seat and steps forward.

I really don't like her. "Boring?" I mockingly ask. "Where did you pick that line up? It was so expertly crafted, I might have to use it sometime."

“Dweeb.” She mutters under her breath. If this was 1995, that would have been somewhat insulting. Now, it’s just funny to hear. I laugh at the word. “What was that, dork?” I laugh again. “Stop laughing.”

“Stop using stupid insults.” I retort. She looks like she’s going to attack. “Oh, don’t worry. Those words are more threatening than North Korea.”

“What?” She shakes her head. “Whatever, dork.”

“Are you new to insults or something? Is that all you have?” This is starting to get annoying.

“Shut up, dweeb.” She starts to blush faintly. I can feel a headache coming along. So she’s one of those kinds of bullies… Alright. I can play along.

“‘Dweeb?’ ‘Dork?’” I’m ready to punch her in the face. I’m not afraid to hit a girl. “Are those ‘90s insults all you have?”

“Fuck you!” She shouts.

“There we go!” I shout back. “You can use more than just two insults! Got any more?”

“Shut the fuck up or I’ll fuck you up! Motherfucking asshole! Fuck you, stupid bitch!”

“Sticks and stones, bitch. Sticks and stones.”

“Don’t make me fucking get them.” She glares into my eyes.

“Go ahead. I’ve got my own.” I glance at my arms. She follows my eyes. We lock eyes again. “Break my bones, Gilda. I dare you. I double dare you, motherfucker. Break my bones.”

She throws an open clawed punch at my chest. I see it coming, but I’m not fast enough to completely evade it. All it does is harmlessly scratch my shirt. Rarity’s going to be pissed.

I throw my own punch at her. She pulls her head back. My hand connects with the tip of her beak. It puts a large scratch on my hand going from the knuckle to the wrist.

Gilda takes the chance to rapidly peck me in the chest twice with her beak. It pierces through my shirt easily. Her beak is stopped only by my sternum. The adrenaline completely numbs the pain.

When Gilda moves her head back, I take the chance to pull her into a headlock. She half gasps, half chokes. It’s no surprise. I’ve got a tight grip around her neck. There’s no chance I’m loosening it.

Her claws move spastically. The one I see is hitting the ground, kicking up dust. I feel her other claw against my back. Oh shit.

The claw against my back digs down into the skin and thrusts down rapidly. It’s out of my back before I even feel pain. Once it hits, it’s like a freight train. I release my grip around her neck and cry out in pain. She kicks me to the ground. My scratched-up back hits the dirt. Gilda jumps on me and starts clawing at my face and chest.

Something, however, knocks her off me. I roll over to my side and see Rainbow Dash on top of the downed Gilda. “Get the fuck out of here!” She shouts.

Gilda scrambles backwards as if she’s afraid of Rainbow. She crawls to her talons. “I’ll be back for you.” She says, glaring into my eyes.

“Get. Out.” Rainbow Dash says to Gilda. Her words have more venom than a cobra. It’s enough to visibly scare the shit out of Gilda. She flies away with her tail between her legs. Rainbow flies over to me. Her face of worry is completely different from her actions just a few seconds ago. “Are you okay?”

I open my mouth, but can’t say anything. I shake my head.

Rainbow turns her head to a pony I can’t see. “Get a doctor!” She shouts. She turns back to me. “Just keep your eyes open. Look at me.” I look into her eyes. My eyelids feel like lead in water. “Just keep breathing, Mark.”

I struggle to keep them open. Breathing is getting harder. My vision is fading.

I don't know what happens in the next few moments. I think I blacked out. It's the only possible answer I can think of.

I open my eyes. The sudden brightness nearly blinds me. I move my arm to help block the light, but a piercing pain forces me to put it back. "Fuck..." I mutter and close my eyes.

I hear hooves on a hard floor. "Mark!" Rainbow Dash's voice says. "By Celestia, I thought you died..."

I open my eyes back up. The light hurts again, but it's not enough to kill this semi-romantic moment. "It would take more than that to kill me."

“How do you feel?” Rainbow asks, resting a hoof on my hand.

“To be honest? I feel pretty fucking terrible. The painkillers help. They can’t completely get rid of the pain, though.” I rub my face. “And to think I just started walking again... And I just got out of the hospital, too. I’m getting more fucked up in Equestria than I ever have before. This is, what, my third visit to the hospital?” I rub my head and sigh. “What the fuck was Gilda?”

“A gryphon.” Rainbow replies.

I lean back. How did I forget that name? “Rainbow, I think you saved my life back there. I owe you one.”

“Two.” She corrects. “Remember the cockatrice?”

“Right. You’ve got to stop saving my ass, Rainbow.” I rub my face. "I mean, if you actually need to save my ass, then save my ass."

"It's not my fault you've got such a nice ass." Rainbow says.

I blink. I'm sort of feeling that this is revenge, for lack of a better word, for that 'suck a dick' comment I made to her a while ago. "Did the doctor say how long I'd have to be here?"

Rainbow puts on a smile of victory. It drops a second later. "Three days. It's pretty good for those injuries." She says.

I nod. "Yeah. I guess I dodged a bullet with that."

"What's a bullet?"

Before I can answer, there's a knock on the door. It surrounds itself in golden aura and opens, revealing Princess Celestia. Rainbow Dash turns to her and bows. I try to sit up, but the pain forces me to stay down. Celestia gives me a soft look that just screams 'sadness.' "At ease, my little ponies." She says. She looks at me again. I know what she's asking. She doesn't need words for me to know.

"Gilda, that gryphon bitch, did this to me." I say to Celestia.

“I know. You don't have to worry about her, Mark. Gilda won’t be showing up any time soon.” Celestia says with a smile. “I have issued a warrant for her arrest.”

“Arrest?” I fight back a snort. “Fuck that. Make it an execution.”

“I second that.” Rainbow Dash adds. “She’s got to go.”

Celestia shakes her head. “I apologize, my little ponies, but I cannot legally sentence Gilda to death for assault. I may be a leader of the country, but I’m still in the bounds of the law.”

“Then let her come to Ponyville just once. I’m going to beat the shit out of that pigeon. I won’t accept defeat from that rat with wings.” I tell Celestia.

“No, Mark.” She shakes her head even harder. “If you do, I’ll have to put you in jail for assault.”

I cross my arms and sigh. “Alright, then… But still, if she comes back, I’m going to get some revenge.”

“Just don’t kill her.” Rainbow tells me.

“I’ll try not to.” I turn back to Celestia. “Also, can you do something about that Blueblood guy? He told me to kiss his hoof for no reason.”

Her face darkens a bit. “Oh. Blueblood. I don’t like him, either, to be entirely truthful. He is my nephew, so I’m bound by law to allow him in the castle of Canterlot when he wishes to. I have been trying to find an excuse to get him arrested or deported, however.”

“Can’t you do that without a reason?”

“With Princess Luna’s agreement, I will be able to. I am a diarch, not a monarch. I know my sister doesn’t like Blueblood. Despite our mutual dislike of Blueblood, I will not arrest or deport him without any reason. I don’t want my little ponies to view me as a tyrant.”

I sigh. “Alright. I get it.” I lean back in the bed. "Tell Luna I said 'hi.' I feel like I haven't seen her in a week." I say to Celestia.

She gives me a nod. "I will. I have to go now. I hope to see you again in the near future." Princess Celestia says.

"See you later." I say with a wave of the hand.

25: The Distance

The next three days pass by slowly, which is the only reason why I bothered to count them. I spend all three days bedridden. The only good thing about being in the hospital for this long is the frequent visits from my friends. There's a huge difference between being alone at home and being alone in a hospital.

There's a knock on the door. I look at it just as it opens. Twilight walks in. My eyes narrow into a glare. Twilight nearly recoils at the sight of me in my bandages. It's that, or the fact that I'm still pissed at her and letting her know it without any words. Despite this, she walks to my side. The steady clopping of her hooves is loud enough to drown out the steady beeps of the EKG machine. Twilight stops walking at the side of my bed and sits down. She doesn't say anything for a brief time. "I'm sorry." She finally says.

I turn my head away from her and look at the foot of the bed. "Sorry about what?" I ask. My voice is far more bitter than I initially intended. Now that I think about it, it's the perfect amount of bitterness. "Sorry about that gryphon bitch handing my ass to me on a platter or sorry that you forced me into physical therapy?"

Twilight doesn't reply at first. "Mostly the latter. I shouldn't have done that."

I turn to her. "Well, I don't fucking care." I calmly reply. "I could give you an entire filibuster on how much I hate being manhandled like that. I'll save my breath. You're smart enough to figure it out now. I don't know why you weren't smart enough back then."

"That was in the past, Mark! Can't you forgive me?" Twilight pleads. She even puts her front hooves together. It gives off the impression that I'm a deity.

I exhale. "Twilight, you're forgetting that I'm not a pony. I'm not from here. I'm from a different planet. Shit, I might even be from a different galaxy or universe. Our minds are completely different." I sit up. A sharp pain digs into my back. I ignore it. "If you don't believe that we're different, let me tell you something about my world. Fourteen years before I was sent here, there was an act of terrorism that nearly killed 3,000 people." She gasps. I'm not surprised about that reaction. "The response was a war that was still going on when I was sent to Equestria. Humans aren't always forgiving. I'm a human and I'm just like that. I don't forgive you."

"Isn't there anything I can do to get you to forgive me?" She asks. She has tears in her eyes.

I turn away and sigh. "No." I reply. "You just need to wait. That's all you can do."

She chokes back a sob. "Th-Then I'll wait." She stands back up. "Goodbye, Mark. I'll see you later." Twilight says. She walks out and doesn't give me a chance to also say goodbye. It's not like I would even take that chance.

Knocking on the door breaks me from my sleep. I grumble and look outside. It's morning. I don't even remember falling asleep. I turn to the door just as it opens. A smiling Rainbow Dash suddenly appears at the foot of the bed. I still don't know how she moves so fast. "Glad to see you can lift your head up." She says.

"Me too." I yawn and stretch my arm. My shoulder pops. It hurts a lot. It's not exactly 'Gilda stabbing me in the chest with her face' pain, but it still hurts. The sound is loud enough to get Rainbow Dash to wince. "Is something happening?"

She chuckles. "I guess that's what happens when you're in the hospital so much..." Rainbow chuckles nervously. I raise an eyebrow. "I've got a race coming up. Applejack, too."

"Same race?" I ask.

Rainbow nods. "Yep. You should come with us to watch. I convinced Fluttershy to join us, too."

I smile. I feel like I haven't seen Fluttershy in a long time. I don't expect Rainbow to be able to convince Princess Luna to join us. I really need to talk to her again. "I'll join. I hope I'm out of here by then." I gesture to all the machines. It's strange how there's modern hospital equipment in a land that uses candles for lighting. My high school English teachers would have a heart attack at this anachronism.

"Good." Rainbow says. "I'm making sure you keep your word." She says, pointing a hoof at me as she slowly backs out of the room. "See you later."

With some luck, I'm taken out of the hospital the next day. Rainbow's race is two days after. With even more luck, I can actually walk for all those days. With a bit less luck, I need to use a cane to help me.

There's a knock on the door. I open it, revealing Rainbow Dash to my house. "Hey, Rainbow. I'm ready to go." I say to her. Something comes to my mind. "Where is it and how are we going to get there?"

"It's in Prance. We're taking a zeppelin."

Oh shit. We're flying there? In a zeppelin? I take a big gulp of air like I'm in some sort of cartoon. "I-Is taking a zeppelin really necessary?"

"Yeah." Rainbow Dash replies. She looks slightly agitated. "Prance is overseas. That means it's across the ocean." She says with emphasis on the last word. "We can't take a train across water, so we have to fly in a zeppelin."

I rub the back of my neck. "Why can't you fly there by yourself? With your own wings?" I ask.

She lets out a deep sigh of frustration. "It's an ocean, Mark. A big one. I fly for speed, not for distance." She points out. It's a good one, I'll admit. "Besides, you're coming with us. You are coming, right?"

"Yeah, I'm coming." I reply. I sigh. I guess I have to bring this up. "What if... What if the zeppelin explodes?"

Rainbow looks at me with a disgusted and shocked expression on her face. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Mark? You need a therapist."

I should have seen that coming. "There was a zeppelin that exploded back on Earth and killed a bunch of people. It's the reason why we don't have any zeppelins there anymore."

She mutters something under her breath that I can't catch. I notice that it's a single syllable. She probably said either 'damn' or 'shit.' "...Do you even know why that happened?" Rainbow asks after a short time of recovering from the shock.

I shake my head. "No. I think it's because of the gas used in it. It was probably flammable." I reply with a shrug. "Nobody really knew."

"...Damn." She replies. It's all she needs to say about that. "So... Are you going to come with us?"

I nod. "Hell yeah, I am." The fear of bursting into flames and dying a horrible death isn't enough to keep me away from her. Besides, if she's going, I'm going.

I look at Fluttershy and our extra companion. I lean in towards Rainbow Dash. "Couldn't you have told me about her before the last second?"

"I thought you'd be okay with her."

"I'm okay with Fluttershy." I say. "I thought you knew about the argument I had with her." I gesture to the fourth party.

Rainbow nods. "I did. I thought this could be a way you two could make up." She says.

I narrow my eyes at the alicorn. "I think it'll just make things worse." I say so Twilight can hear. I look at Fluttershy and soften my gaze. "Sorry about that, Fluttershy." Fluttershy only looks away.

Rainbow Dash clears her throat. "Okay... Let's get onboard."

I don't bother keeping track of how long the flight lasts. I spend all of it either throwing up or freaking out. I've never been a fan of flying. The thought of being kept in the air inside something that could easily break, pop, or catch into flames isn't appealing. Besides, I've seen Final Destination.

There's a soft knocking on the bathroom door. "We're there, Mark." Rainbow's voice says. "Can you come out?"

I wipe my mouth. "Yep." I say. I feel more bile coming up. "In a minute." I say right before throwing up. I close my eyes just as I do. As the vomit comes out, I feel my throat burning. There's yet another reason why I don't like flying. I've never done it before now, but it's now another reason why I don't like it.

I wipe my mouth again and walk out of the bathroom. "Are you okay?" Rainbow asks. "You look like shit."

"There's that confidence boost I was looking for, Rainbow." I say with a laugh. Bile threatens to come up again. "Are you sure this thing landed?"

"Yeah, it landed." She replies. The two of us walk off. I don't know where Fluttershy and the alicorn went. I'm too distracted to ask where they are. My stomach growls just as we walk past a few restaurants. Rainbow looks at them and smiles. She looks back at me. "We're going in one."

I sigh. "Do we really have to do this?" I ask.

Rainbow snorts through her nose in a sort of laugh. "Well, yeah. We have to. Prance has a lot of fancy restaurants."

"You sound like Rarity."

"Do you have any reason why we shouldn't go?" Rainbow asks.

I shrug. "Fancy usually means expensive." I point out.

She scoffs and shakes her head. "Okay, let me rephrase that. Do you have any good reason?"

I rub my chin. Admittedly, I do want to do something romantic with her here. An impromptu date works for me. Plus, I just need some food. "Touche, Rainbow. You convinced me. Alright, let's go. You're choosing the restaurant."

"That was surprisingly easy." Rainbow notices. The two of us walk to a restaurant that looks fancy enough. I don't even bother looking at the name of it. It would most likely be in Prench. I'm from British Columbia, not Quebec. That's the French speaking part of the country. It's on the Atlantic side of Canada.

We're brought to a table fairly quickly. Both of us are handed menus. I look at mine and read over it. "Poisonous to humans... Too hard to pronounce... I don't know what that is... Poisonous... That makes me sick... Meat?" I stop for reading out loud for a second. Why do they serve meat in a country with a lot of creatures that can't biologically eat meat? I guess it's for gryphons. I look back at the menu. "Poisonous... Tastes like shit..."

I hear a giggle. I look up to see that Rainbow is the culprit. "You know what shit tastes like?" She asks.

I hold up my hands in a defensive position. "It's an expression." I reply. She gives me a soft glare. I pick the menu back up. "Poisonous... Probably not even edible for ponies..." I look back up at Rainbow. Although she's still glaring at me, there's a smile on her face. "I think I'll just take bread and water."

Rainbow snorts in response. That gets a few disgusted looks from nearby patrons. One of them looks at me and nearly has a heart attack. I give her a quick wave. She seems to calm down. "Alright. I'm not going to stop you." Rainbow says, bringing my attention back to her.

Our conversation, and therefore the date, quickly went downhill after that. We were politely asked to leave after a few more disruptions. At least nopony threw up. I feel like it's biologically impossible for them to. I'm not a fan of seeing vomit, but that would have been a perfect time for it.

Anyway, the two of us walk back to the race track. "That was fun, though." Rainbow says.

"I'll admit that it was." I say. "That was your fault."

"Hey, you told that old mare you were a zit." She points out.

"She called me a pig." I retort. "It was self defense."

"Whatever." Rainbow rolls her eyes. "Hey, I'll see you later. I've got to get ready for the race. You need to get your racing card so you know the names and faces of the ponies I beat."

"Alright. I'll try to talk to you after I sign up." I give her a wave as she flies off. I return to Twilight and Fluttershy, who are near a few booths for sign up.

There's four different booths, one for each race of species, excluding alicorns, and one labeled 'Other.' "Oh. I-I guess this means we'll be separated..." Fluttershy says softly.

I kneel down so I'm at her level. She nearly jumps at the sight. "We'll be back together soon, Fluttershy." I rub her head.

Fluttershy gives me a soft smile. "I'll see you at our seats." She says. I give her a wave as she heads off to the pegasus line.

I look at the 'Other' line. The line is hardly existent. The only creature in it is a... Honestly, I don't know what it is. It's almost a gryphon. Its from half is an eagle and its rear half is a pony. "Hippogriff." Twilight tells me.

"Oh. Thanks." I tell her. The two of us get in line behind the hippogriff. It - No, she - is handed a small card. She gives the two of us a nod of acknowledgment as she walks away.

The two of us step up to the small table. "Sorry for the wait." The attendant says. She smiles at her own joke. "Here you go, sir and miss." She says and hands me and Twilight a paper. I look over it. It’s got the names, species, odds, and a picture of the racers. It looks like it took a long time to make.

.......... Name.............................. Species.....Odds

1.......... Equestrian Pharoah....... Earth.......... 5/2
2.......... Applejack....................... Earth.......... 3/1
3.......... Wild Fire........................ Pegasus...... 3/1
4.......... Colt O’ War................... Earth.......... 4/1
5.......... Rolling Thunder............ Pegasus....... 4/1
6.......... Stormstrider.................. Pegasus.... 5/1
7.......... Rainbow Dash.............. Pegasus.... 5/1
8.......... Sky Scraper................... Pegasus.... 7/1
9.......... Light Speed................... Unicorn.... 7/1
10........ Danger Zone................. Pegasus.... 8/1
11........ Dust Devil...................... Earth......... 9/1
12........Event Horizon.................Unicorn.... 9/1
13........ Reflex............................. Pegasus.... 9/1
14........ Burzum.......................... Pegasus.... 14/1
15........ Twinkle Toes................... Unicorn.... 15/1
16........ Viridian........................... Unicorn.... 24/1
17........ Watermelon.................... Earth........ 34/1

"There are only 17 racers this year?" Twilight asks to whoever's listening. "It's usually 19 or 20 ponies in the race." She looks at me. "Who do you think is going to win?"

I fight back a sigh. "Why do you care what I think?" I snap at her. "You didn't before."

"I'm just trying to be nice, Mark." She replies softly.

I look around. A few ponies are glaring at me. Dammit. I know exactly why they do. "Sorry, Twilight." I say to her. She perks up. "Anyway..." I look at the racing sheet again. "It looks like the pegasi and unicorns have pretty bad odds of winning. If I had to go by odds, I'd say Equestrian Pharoah or Wildfire If I had to go by name, Colt O' War or Rolling Thunder. But, since I'm dating a certain pegasus, I'm betting my money on Rainbow Dash."

She gives me an odd expression. I see a mix of confusion and happiness. The latter is definitely from my apology. "You're betting money on this?" She asks.

I nod. "Yeah. Why not? I've got enough bits to spare and to survive a year. If I'm right about this, I'll get even more money."

Twilight gives me a curious expression. "I'm not going to stop you. I don't recommend it, though. I've heard of ponies losing all their money to things like this." She says. I open my mouth, but she speaks again before I get a chance. "I've also heard of ponies winning a lot of bits and going to prison after trying to get more from illegal activities."

I blink. Damn. "I can't say I have. Don't worry about me, Twi." I say. She smiles at my use of a nickname. "I'm not going to bet a lot of money." Twilight nods. "So, who do you think is going to win?"

"I'd like to see Rainbow Dash or Applejack to win, of course." She replies. She looks at the racing card again. "If not them, then maybe Rolling Thunder."

I look at the racing card. Her odds are pretty good. Better than Rainbow Dash's. That's a bit of a concern for me. "Yeah, she looks tough."

"She's built like a tank." She says. I hear an adoring sigh coming from her. Twilight totally wants to fuck Rolling Thunder. "She's also a war hero."

"That's impressive." I reply. I wonder if I'll get the chance to talk to her later? I know a few things about war. I could probably help her out with any PTSD she might have. I'm not a psychologist, but I've helped out a few people that have had it. My brother included.

A few minutes later, I find Rainbow Dash. She's preparing for the race. "You'd better win, Rainbow." I say to her. I lean on a nearby fence. "I've got a hundred bits on you."

She stops practicing and turns to me. "You're betting money on this?" She asks. "And on me?"

I nod. "Yeah. Why not?" I reply. This is just how the conversation with Twilight went. "It's something I've wanted to do on Earth. Besides, we're dating. It's sort of an obligation to bet on you." I give her a wink. She leans on the same fence I'm on. She blushes at my wink. "But, yeah. I'm pretty sure you'll win."

Rainbow Dash gives me a toothy grin. "Thanks, Mark." She stands on her rear legs and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I return it to her. "A hundred bits is a lot. I'll make sure you get the money back."

I look into her eyes with a serious look on my face. "Focus on the win, Rainbow." I tell her. "Don't win this for me. This is for you." She nods once. "I've going to give Applejack a pep talk too."

Rainbow gives me a playful punch on the shoulder. Actually, I'm not sure if it was entirely playful. It'll probably give me a bruise. "Are you cheating on me or something?" The smile on her face tells me it's a joke. "Yeah, sure. Go ahead."

"You had me for a second there, Loyalty." I say to her. "Kick some ass, Rainbow Dash." That near rhyme was unintentional. The syllable count is also unintentional. I could write a song.

"There aren't any donkeys in the race, Mark."

"You know what I mean."

"I'll see you after I win." She says confidently. Rainbow jumps off the fence and returns to her stretching.

"Hey, Applejack." I say as she's in my view. She turns to me and gives me her trademark smile. She doesn't stop stretching.

"Heya, Mark. Ah don't have much time tah talk." She stretches out her legs. "What's up?"

"Just checking in on you. Giving you a pep talk." I reply. I watch as she keeps stretching. She's surprisingly flexible, especially with her rear legs. It's probably from all the apple bucking. "I gave Rainbow a pep talk before I got to you."

She rolls her eyes. I think I hear her scoff. "Of course ya did..." She mutters. Do I detect jealousy? If so, it's not the first time another girl's been jealous of my current girlfriend. It never ends up pretty. A shiver runs down my spine. I hope Applejack isn't like those girls. "Thanks fer checkin' up on me, anyway." She says. She doesn't stop stretching.

I don't exactly like the way she said that. "Do you not want to talk to me or something?" I ask her.

She stops stretching and looks up at me with a worried expression. "What? No, of course not. Why?"

"It's just the way you said that. You sounded a bit jealous."

Applejack chuckles in response. "Oh, no. Ah'm not." She replies and goes back to stretching. "Ah think Ah see why yah'd think that. Ah'm just focused, that's all. Ah'm determined to win this." She says with a cocky smile.

I give her one of my own smiles. "A lot of ponies want to win just as much as you do, Applejack."

"Don't Ah have the best odds?" She asks, still with that smile on her face.

"Uh... No. Equestrian Pharoah's got you beat." I reply.

"What?" She asks. Her smile drops. I show the racing card to her. Her eyes narrow. "Well... Least Ah'm in second..."

"Yeah, you are." I say. Her smile returns. "Tied with Wild Fire." Applejack puffs out her cheeks. The sight makes me chuckle. It's actually a pretty cute face she makes.

Before she gets the chance to respond, there's a buzzing noise coming from somewhere.

"That's the five minute warnin'. Already." She gives me a grin. "Yer pretty distractin', Mark. In a good way, Ah mean." She says before trotting off to the starting line. I'm not convinced that she's not jealous of Rainbow Dash. I don't know why. There's, what, six mares for every stallion? I could handle another mare in my arms.

Author's Note

That list of racers was an absolute bitch to make. Using the tab key didn't work for it.

I'd also like to take a second to point out that the name 'Equestrian Pharoah' is purposely misspelled. It's a reference to the racehorse American Pharoah, which is misspelled. I think the typo for American Pharoah came from a mistake during the application for the 2015 Kentucky Derby. Watermelon, however, is an original name. I just thought it would be a good name for a pony.

26: Coming Home

I make my way to Twilight and Fluttershy near the seats. Due to my height, we need to sit in the back row. Despite this, Twilight and Fluttershy remain by my side. "T-These are good seats." Fluttershy says softly. I'm surprised I can even hear her over the crowd.

I shrug. "Yeah, for seeing the action." I gesture towards the track. "Bad thing is, I'm getting a nosebleed up here." The two look at me with a confused look. "It's a phrase. Something to do with the altitude. Humans aren't built for high altitudes, unlike pegasi or alicorns." I gesture to their wings.

The two nod in understanding. The three of us look back to the race track. All of the racers are already in their starting positions. Before they go, there's a quick blaring of a strange looking trumpet. It doesn't look like it has any piston valves.

The race begins shortly after the playing of the trumpet. "And they're off..." Twilight says just as the race starts. I remember hearing one of my girlfriends back on Earth saying that. The memory of her makes me smile. She's one of the few girlfriends that I didn't end up hating.

I feel a hoof touch my hand. I turn to my side. "Twilight." I say. She looks at me. I look down at my hand. She pulls her hoof away and blushes.

"Your nose is bleeding." She says. I blink and touch my face. She's right.

"It's the altitude." I reply. The two of us look back to the race track. I can't get the thought of Twilight touching my hand out of my head. It's going to bother me for a bit. I don't know if it was an accident or not.

I focus on Rainbow Dash's face. She's definitely determined to win. That smile on her face tells me that.

Her face suddenly shifts to panic. She falls to the ground. All the ponies that were behind her don't have any chance to slow down. They all turn to avoid tripping on her. Rainbow gets up and sprints towards the rest of the pack.

Sometime during this, the race ends. Rainbow looks up at us. Her face tells me she's devastated about this loss. Damn. I might need to talk to her later.

On the other side of the coin, Applejack made it in third place, just behind Rolling Thunder and another pony. I already forgot his name. I look back to the racing card.

"Watermelon won?" Twilight answers my unasked question. "That's surprising..." She mumbles. She looks up at me. "Did you see what place Rainbow Dash got?" Twilight asks. I shake my head.

Fluttershy leans in. "Tenth, just behind Danger Zone and before Dust Devil." She informs us. "If she hadn't t-tripped, she would've won."

I nod. "Yeah. Definitely." I sigh. I stand up. "I'm going to talk to her. Tell Applejack I said congratulations. Same thing to Rolling Thunder and Watermelon if you see them."

I make my way to Rainbow Dash's room. I stand in front of the door and mentally practice my lines in silence.

"I LOST TO A PONY CALLED WATERMELON!" Rainbow Dash's voice brutally destroys the silence. If I wasn't behind the door, I'd probably be deaf. "THE WORST ODDS! FUCK!"

I hesitate to open the door. If she feels this bad, I should probably leave her alone.

No. That's a bad idea. I've got to comfort her. If she's feeling this bad, somepony needs to help. Nopony's around and it doesn't sound like anypony is in the room with her.

I knock on the door. All the tension surrounding the room seems to melt. After a second, I hear a faint 'shit' coming from inside. The door opens, exposing Rainbow Dash, still in her racing uniform, to the outside world. "...How much did you hear?" She asks faintly, rubbing a foreleg with the other. The loss has reduced her to this? It was a good idea talking to her.

"Enough for me to want to comfort you, Rainbow." I reply. "Can I come inside?"

She nods without any hesitation. "Yeah. Please. Thanks for stopping by." She sighs and walks towards the bed. I can't help but notice that she has a bad limp. It's definitely from that bad fall she had during the race. "I just really need somepony to talk to."

"You've got someone now." I say. She jumps into the bed. I sit next to her and rub her head. "If you don't want me to tell anypony about whatever you say, just tell me."

She wraps her hooves around my waist. "I can't believe I lost to the pony with the worst odds." Her voice both cracks and gets louder. "If that piece of shit didn't trip me, I would have fucking won!" I didn't know she was tripped. I never noticed that. This was definitely more than just a loss to her. It's a matter of pride. Checking up on her was definitely a good idea.

I keep rubbing her head. "Just let it out, Rainbow. We can let the race officials know about that." I say in a soothing voice. I hope it's soothing, at least.

Her grip around my waist tightens enough to actually hurt. Rainbow Dash nods. "Make sure he's there."

"Who?"

"The piece of shit that tripped me. What's his name? Light Speed or something stupid like that." Rainbow sighs into my leg. "No, wait. Keep him away from me. I don't want to be arrested for murder." Her voice is calm. I feel a chill run down my spine. Instead of the average person or pony saying that, I think she's serious. She wants Light Speed dead and would do it herself. The way she said it tells me she's more concerned about getting caught than actual murder. I need to tell a therapist about this.

"I'll keep Light Speed away from us, Rainbow." I say. Since I'm desperate to loosen Rainbow's grip, I shift my weight.

Her grip on me tightens even more. "Don't leave me alone, Mark." She says softly. I can feel her tears coming through my shirt. I've never seen anybody, let alone anypony, be like this. It's easily the most depressing sight I've ever seen. I want to end this as soon as possible.

I hug her. "I won't, Rainbow. I'll stay here with you."

"Thanks. I love you, Mark."

I smile. That's easily the best thing I've ever heard. Rainbow Dash actually means that, unlike most other girlfriends I've had. It brings me to tears. "I love you too, Rainbow." I reply. I try to put as much emotion into my words as Rainbow did with hers, but it's not nearly as successful.

The two of us stay like that for a few more minutes. I don't know when she fell asleep, but I follow her shortly after I notice.

After a couple of hours of sleep, I wake up to see Rainbow asleep in my bed. It would be better and slightly more romantic if her snoring wasn’t as loud as a Metallica concert. I’ve read somewhere that waking up a snoring person wasn’t safe. Or was that about sleepwalking? Ah, whatever. It was about people, not ponies. I guess waking up this pegasus would be safe.

I tap her shoulder a few times. Rainbow lets out a sleepy and very cute groan. A smile grows on my face. I keep tapping her and she turns to me. “Morn’, Mark.” She says.

“Good morning, Rainbow.” I say. “You’re really cute when you sleep.

She punches me in the shoulder. “Don’ call me cute.” She says in her still tired voice. She even gives me a death glare. If anything, it makes her even cuter.

I wrap my arms around her and pull her closer to me. Something resembling a combination of a groan and a giggle escape her lips. “We’re gonna have to get up soon, Rainbow. The others are going to be weird around us if we take too long.”

She has the chance to kiss my cheek, which she takes. “Yeah. They might think we…” She trails off. After a second, she snores again. I tap her on the shoulder and she wakes up. “Wha’?”

“You’re so damn cute when you’re tired.” I say with a laugh.

She yawns. Rainbow rests her head on my knee. She’s struggling to keep her eyes open. She jumps off the bed and almost topples over before getting her balance. “You gonna come out? The others are gonna be weird around us if we take too long.”

“Yeah, I’ll be out. You don’t have to wait for me.” She doesn’t leave. “I need to get dressed, Rainbow.”

A deep blush turns her face from that cute shade of cyan to an equally cute shade of red. "Well... Okay."

"Oh, you should also probably change out of your racing uniform." I say, gesturing to the suit she slept in. "I mean, not that I'm complaining about you wearing it. You look good in that." I say.

Rainbow stretches her legs. "Bad thing this gets so uncomfortable after a while." She replies. "I wish I could keep it, since you like it so much."

The trip back to Equestria is better than the trip to Prance. I didn't throw up at all, surprisingly. I did, however, get a few strange looks. That's not a surprise to me anymore. I'm getting used to it. Something that did surprise me? A dozen ponies asked for autographs from me, like that one unicorn a while ago. I don't understand why ponies like me enough to ask for an autograph.

I guess a human in Equestria would be the equivalent of a dragon on Earth. Some would be terrified of it, some would love it, and some would try to kill it. Fortunately, nopony's tried to kill me yet.

"Hey, Rainbow?" I say shortly after we return to solid ground. She turns to me, but doesn't say anything. "Do you want to stop by my place tomorrow?"

She gives me a half smile. "Sure. What time?"

I shrug. "Is 8 PM good?"

"I don't have any plans for then. It's good for me." She yawns. "See you then." She says and spreads her wings. I give her a wave goodbye as she flies off to her home in the clouds.

Under different circumstances, I would have tried to get her to stay with me longer. The fact that it's night and we're both tired was the only thing preventing me from doing that. Maybe tomorrow. It would have to be after the thing at the schoolhouse, though.

The next morning, I walk towards the schoolhouse. If Cheerilee told me what I was going to do there, I completely forgot about it. Something about talking to the foals, I think. The school comes into my view. I never had a chance to look at it before. It reminds me of one of those old school buildings from two centuries ago. The ones that only had one room and all the classes were in there.

From the looks of the school itself and judging by the time of day, school's already in session. I knock on the door. It opens a few seconds after. "And here he is now!" Cheerilee says to the class. I see the Cutie Mark Crusaders here. The three of them give me a wave of the hoof. I return the wave. Cheerilee leans in towards me. "Nice timing. I just told them you would be coming to answer any questions they had about you." She says.

"So that's what I'm doing." I whisper out loud. She smiles. I ask how long I'm to be doing this. Her reply is basically 'however long it takes.' I walk up to the front of the class and rub my hands together. "So, class... I guess you all have questions for me. I'll answer them for you." In less than a second, nearly ninety percent of the class' hooves shoot into the air. The rest of them shoot up the next second. Cheerilee included. I'm going to be here for a while.

It turns out that 'a while' means at least four hours. I answered questions for everypony in the class, including Cheerilee, at least three times each. I'm impressed that none of the questions were repeated.

"Is that all the questions you had?" I ask after answering another question about my hands. Nopony raises their hoof. "Alright. I guess that's all for me."

A bell rings and nearly makes me jump. I haven't had to hear a bell like that since high school, and that was four years ago. The foals get out of their seats and nearly flood to a wall where all their saddlebags are at. They all get out of the building with a speed that would have made Ayrton Senna impressed.

"Everyday..." I hear Cheerilee mutter. She clears her throat and I look at her. "Could I talk to you?" She asks.

I rub my chin. I don't know why she didn't ask this earlier. "Go ahead." I say.

"Are you... okay?" She asks.

I blink. "What do you mean by that?"

She keeps her eyes locked on me while she digs her hoof into the floor. "I know about your fight with the gryphon. Almost all of Ponyville does. I don't think the foals do." She says. That also explains why she didn't bring that up while the foals were here.

"Oh. Yeah. That." I reply. I rub the back of my neck. I feel some of my still healing injuries burn slightly. "Yeah, I'm okay. I got better."

She looks at me with a skeptical expression. “Are you sure?”

I suppress a groan. She sounds like my mother. I nod. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’ve been okay for a while.”

"If you're not, I know somepony that could help you." She adds in.

Is she trying to hit on me or something? It feels like she is. I hold up my hands in a sort of defensive position. "No thanks, Cheerilee. Thanks for the offer, though. I'll let you know If I want to."

27: Bodies

While walking towards my home, a sudden flash of smoke half a meter in front of me makes me stop walking. A scroll appears after the smoke dissipates. Looking around, I see nopony. I shrug and pick up the scroll. I open it and read it to myself.

Dear Mark,

I understand that our friendship isn't the best right now. This letter isn't necessarily to change that. I drastically need help with a magic trick. You're resistant to magic, so I thought you would be the best to help me. Could you please come over to my home and help me? If I don't open the door for you, you can just walk in.

Also, what's your last name? I don't think you ever told me.

From Twilight

I exhale through my nose. I guess the date with Rainbow is in a few hours. I could do this thing with Twilight quickly and get back home.

Besides, Twilight's house isn't that far away. I don't really have any excuse to not go, I think. I put Twilight's letter in my pocket and walk towards her house.

Upon my arrival, I knock on her door. There isn't an answer at first. Twilight's letter said I could walk inside, so I do. I think Twilight would be in her library. I've already been in her house a few times already, so I know where it is from here.

I take a step. "Who." A voice calls out. It isn't Twilight's voice.

I turn to the voice expecting to see a pony. Instead, there's an owl on a perch. I blink. "Uh. Hi?" I give the bird a wave.

"Who." The owl replies.

I'm going to assume this owl can talk like nearly every other living creature in the country. "Do you know where Twilight is?"

"Who."

I raise an eyebrow. I haven't known of any owls on Earth to just say 'who.' I'm pretty sure that's just in bad cartoons. This owl is probably just a dick. "Twilight Sparkle? The lavender alicorn?"

"Who."

That confirms my suspicion that this owl is, in fact, a dick. I cross my arms. The owl just stares at me. "He's on first, but that's not important right now. I'm talking about Twilight."

"Who."

"Don't test me, owl." I point at the owl.

"Who."

"Suck a dick, owl. Erect or not. I'm giving you the freedom of choice here."

I hear a throat being cleared. I turn to the source to see Twilight on a flight of steps. "Were you arguing with my owl?"

I nod. “Twilight, I would like to point out that your owl is an asshole.”

"You mean Owlowiscious?" Twilight replies.

I blink. "What?"

"Owlowiscious." She repeats.

"Is that the owl's name?"

Twilight nods. "Yes it is. Why?"

I sigh. I don't feel like talking about... The owl with the unnecessarily long and complicated name. Instead, I change the subject. "Where's Spike?"

"He's in Canterlot right now." Twilight replies. "He has business for something. He ran out quickly, saying something about Princess Luna and a weird dream he had." She looks aside, towards Canterlot. "He's been having nightmares for the past week..."

I rub my neck. "Damn. Sorry to hear about that."

She walks to the bottom of the steps then to me. "Let's not dwell on that right now. I take it you received my letter?" I nod. "Then you know about my spell I need to perfect. It's for my upcoming annual magic test with Princess Celestia. It's a fairly powerful spell. I fear that it could have negative effects. Since you have a natural resistance to most spells, I assume you're also resistant to this one."

"Yeah, sure." I say in what's easily my most professional tone. "As long as it doesn't take too long. I've got a date with Rainbow in a few hours."

She gives me a strangely seductive smile. "Is this the date where she sees you naked?"

I can feel a blush form on my face. "Fuck, Twilight. We haven't even kissed yet."

She widens her eyes in surprise. "Really?" Twilight asks. "She's going slow this time..." She mutters. I don't know how I should take that. I'll have to ask her during the date. "Anyway, it's a healing spell I'm working on. I've been working on it since... You know." She gestures her head towards my scarred hand. The one that I burned a few weeks ago.

I rub my hand. I can feel my heart beating in my chest. The pain is long gone, but the memory remains. "Hopefully you're not going to need it..."

Twilight nods softly. "Unfortunately, the spell doesn't seem to work on healthy ponies."

I take the implication. I raise an eyebrow at her. "You want me to hurt myself in some way?" I ask. She sucks in a breath, but doesn't respond with any words. I take that as a 'yes.' I shrug. "Alright. Do you have a knife I can use?"

She takes half a step back. "Are you serious?"

I nod. "Yep. If you want to get better with your healing spells, and you need a damaged target, I can make a small sacrifice. As they say on Earth, 'Pain is temporary. Knowledge is forever.'"

Twilight opens her mouth, but closes it shortly after. She smiles and chuckles. "I can't argue with that. That's a good quote. I'll have to use that some time. I'll go and get a knife." She says. Twilight walks into a different room. About a minute later, she returns with a knife in her magic. I grab it in mid air with my scarred hand. I make a small cut on my non-scarred hand's palm. The cut's big enough to draw some blood. "Ready?" She asks.

I nod and hold my newly cut hand out in front of me. Twilight's horn lights up.

The spell casts a bright white light, which blinds me for a second. When my vision returns, I'm on the floor. My ears are ringing loudly. "Damn... My eyes... I can't see a fucking thing." I say. My ears are ringing loud enough that I don't even recognize my own voice.

"Whoa..." A vaguely familiar voice says after a second. My hearing returns to normal.

There's silence for a short time. "What did that spell even do?" Twilight asks. Except... It's not Twilight. The voice isn't hers. I recognize it, but I can't place the name. I turn to the source of the sound.

"What the fuck?!" I nearly shout at the sight.

"The spell switched our bodies!" Twilight, in my body, says. I stare at her.

I look down at my body. My new body. I'm in Twilight's. I try to stand up. I fall back down. Four legs to work with is incredibly difficult. Twilight's working fine with my body, though with some minor balance difficulties. It's almost like she's been in a human body before.

I glare at her the best I can. "How the fuck did you fuck that up that fucking bad?!" I shout at her. Pain stabs into my vocal chords.

Twilight looks at me apologetically. "I'm sorry, Mark." She says softly. It's incredibly strange to hear in my voice. "I don't... I think I cast the wrong spell..."

"Can you reverse it or something?" I ask with force, though not nearly as much as last time.

"I'll try." She says. She holds out her arms in front of her. Is she even a she in my body? Am I a guy in her body. She would know. He? Fuck, I don't know. Twilight looks back to me. "Nothing's happening, Mark."

"Yeah, I noticed." I reply. "Do something."

"I just tried to cast a basic telekinesis spell. Nothing happened." Twilight says, sounding absolutely terrified. She falls onto the nearest couch and pulls her legs into her chest and hugs them.

I lean my head back. "Oh shit..." I say bluntly. I realize what's happening. We're literally stuck inside each other's bodies with no clear way out. "How the fuck are we going to fix this, Twilight?"

"I... I don't know." Twilight admits. "Princess Celestia would."

"What are we going to say? That you put my brain into your body, or whatever?"

"I don't think we switched brains, Mark. We switched minds." She replies.

"Is there a difference?"

She nods and separates her legs from chest. "A brain is an organ. The mind isn't." She starts to explain. I don't pay any attention to that.

There is, however, something that I pay attention to. "Is that what my voice really sounds like?" I ask once she's done explaining.

Twilight smiles at me. Her smile looks very unnatural. It's like half her face is asleep. I shiver slightly at the appearance. "Is that what mine sounds like?"

"I sound so deep." I reply. The best way to describe my voice as I hear it is like a distorted Tom Waits, but with a bit of Marlon Brando in there. I look around. "You're really short, Twilight."

She scoffs. "Oh, thanks, Mark. That really helps my self esteem." She sighs and crosses her arms. Seeing 'me' do this is really weird and strangely terrifying. It's like an out of body experience. I think it counts as one. I try to stand up again. I fall back down. "Can't stand up?"

I nod. "Yep. Two legs is easy. Four? It's fucked up." I look at her as she stands up and walks towards me. "How can you walk?"

She shrugs. "It's a long story. I'll tell you later." Twilight says. "I get how you can manage two legs." She adjusts her crotch. I look away from the sight. "I don't get your... You know."

I look back at her. She's blushing deeply. I probably am, too. "It's called a penis, Twilight." I say bluntly. She looks down her pants. "Could you have a little decency? That is my dick you're looking at."

She puts on a sly smile. I don't know how, but she manages to look cute even in my body. That's not something I ever expected to think in my lifetime. "Technically, it's mine now." I groan. I didn't expect Twilight to be a smartass. She looks at my dick again. "Why is it so weird looking?"

I'm not going to answer that. "You didn't even leave me anything to look at on your body." I say. Her blush deepens. "Not comfortably, at least. And nothing to fondle." I add in. That gets a disgusted look from Twilight. She releases her pants. "So how do we fix this?"

She rubs her chin. "Since I don't have any magic in your body, I can assume you have magic in mine." She says. Twilight looks at me. "Could you try to use some, please?"

I scoff. "I can't even stand up. Do you really think I'll be able to use magic?"

"Using four legs is just like using two legs. It's just twice as much work. You can do it, Mark. It's easy."

I sigh and try to stand up. Working the front legs is easy enough. They're just like human legs. The back legs, however, are incredibly hard to control. There are just too many muscles I'm not used to. Don't even get me started on the midsection. I try to flutter my wings. Nothing happens. Damn. I don't think I want to have any wings as a human anymore. I give up trying and flop to the floor. "It's just too hard, Twilight."

Twilight walks up to me and kneels down so she can look me in the eyes. "Come on, Mark." She says softly, but with force. "If I can handle your body, you can handle mine."

"Could you not say it like that? It sounds like I'm defiling you or something." I rest my head on the floor. Twilight rubs my head. I can feel my wings extend. I can see why Rainbow and Hammer liked being rubbed so much. Something else comes to my mind. "Twilight? Touch my wings."

She flinches slightly. "Are you sure? I remember when a pony first did that to me..."

"It's an experiment." The phrase makes her smile. It drops quickly. She thinks about it for a second. After a short time, she strokes her hand across my extended wing.

A jolt runs through my entire body. For lack of a better word, it's orgasmic. It's a good thing I can't stand up. I know that my knees would have buckled. "It's a good thing we're alone, Mark." Twilight says. "You look really aroused. You even smell aroused."

"Uh-huh..." I seriously underestimated the power of my fingers.

"Be glad I just got out of heat..." Twilight says.

Ten minutes later, I return from the orgasmic state. "Let's not tell anypony about this." I say immediately after. I ask her to move me to her bedroom. She does. Once we're in there, she places me on the bed. "Okay..." I start. "I need to learn a really difficult spell in..." I look at the clock. "Three hours if I don't want to be late for the date." I sigh. The pressure for this is worse than getting ready for a high school test.

"Remember, Mark. It's the body swap spell."

"Oh, really, Twilight? I thought it was the healing spell." I deadpan. Twilight sinks slightly. "I know what fucking spell I need to use. I just don't know how to use it." It's no worse than any of my high school math classes, now that I think about it.

"I don't really know how to explain how to use magic..." Twilight admits. "The only real tip I can give to you is to concentrate. Focus your breathing. Clear your mind." She says in a soothing voice.

I close my eyes and does as she says. "I'll try."

"Do or do not, Mark. There is no try." Twilight replies.

I smile at that. A strange sensation arises in my newly-acquired horn. I could best describe it as some sort of pressure. The pressure is immediately relieved. I hear the sound that I always hear whenever a spell is cast.

Fuck yeah! I cast a spell without any real training! I know it wasn't the body swap spell, but it still feels fucking awesome. I open my eyes. On Twilight's face, there's something new.

I see a smile through Twilight's new thick beard. I laugh hysterically at the sight. Almost enough to fall off the bed. Twilight only crosses her arms.

"You seriously have a beard spell?" I ask after recovering. I wipe a tear away.

"It's a growing spell, not a beard spell. I usually use it on plants."

"You can give plants beards?"

She smiles at that. "Despite being one to experiment, I haven't tried. I will once I'm back in my own body. For science."

Two and a half hours pass by. I still have no fucking idea how to do the body swap spell and there's only two hours left. My only progression is teleporting a book a meter away. Twilight told me teleportation is an incredibly difficult spell, especially on other objects. I'm definitely getting close.

I cast another spell. It's a bolt of lightning, like the one Twilight cast on me a few weeks ago after discovering my resistance to magic. As it turns out, Twilight's wall isn't nearly as resistant to the spell as my chest is. "Fuck. Sorry, Twilight. I'll pay for that." I mumble. I sigh and rest my head on the bed. "I don't think I can do this..."

Twilight sits by my side and strokes my head. "That spell did more than switch our minds. Mark, your personality is different now." Twilight says softly. "I've never seen you give up."

I pick my head back up and glare at Twilight. She pulls her hand back. "I can't fucking use a spell that a master magician needed to study for a fucking month in only a few fucking hours!"

"You used a teleportation spell." Twilight points out, still keeping a strong hold on that calm voice of hers. I turn away from her. "The teleportation spell and the body swap spell I used are very similar." Twilight continues. "Get this done. I want you to go on that date with Rainbow Dash."

"Thanks, Twilight." I reply after a few short seconds. I look back at her. I owe her for this. "When I get back in my body, I'm going to hug the shit out of you." She gives me a heartwarming smile.

I make another attempt at casting the spell. I can feel a headache digging into my skull as my horn lights up. I close my eyes. My eyelids barely shield my eyes from a sudden bright light.

The light disappears and I open my eyes. "Mark?" Twilight's voice asks. It's Twilight's voice, the one I normally hear. "I think you did it." I turn to the source of the voice. I see Twilight sitting on her bed with a toothy smile on her face.

How the fuck did I do that? "Haha! Fuck yeah!" I pump a fist into the air. I pick up Twilight off the bed. She squirms a bit in my grip. "I'm just hugging the shit out of you, Twilight. I gave you a warning."

"Sorry. I'm not used to being picked up." She replies. She moves into a more comfortable position so we can actually hug each other. After at least a minute, I set her down. "You have strong hugs, Mark." Twilight says to me.

"Sorry about that." I reply. I look around. "Could you not tell anypony about this? About us swapping bodies?"

She nods hastily. "I wasn't going to." She replies. I feel a weight fall off my shoulders. "I'm sorry about looking at your... You know." She points a hoof at my crotch.

"My penis. Yeah. Apology accepted." I say. "And I'm sorry for being a dick about not saying sorry before. About the telekinesis thing."

"Apology accepted." Twilight replies.

I rub my shoulder. "I... I should probably go get to Rainbow Dash for our date coming up soon." I say.

Twilight nods. There's something in her nod that's sort of strange. I'd call it jealousy, but I don't know why she would be. I recall Hammer telling me that there's one stallion for every six or so mares. That would mean every male could legally, and I guess morally, be with six mares. I'm not saying that I would want to have six mares at once. "Oh, Mark. The Grand Galloping Gala is coming up soon." Twilight says. "You should ask Rainbow to go with you."

"That's the dance thing in Canterlot, right?" I ask, getting a nod from Twilight as an answer. "I thought you needed a ticket to go?"

Twilight shrugs. "I can ask Princess Celestia for an extra ticket for you."

"If you want me to go with Rainbow, I'm not going to stop you." I say.

"Then I'll get a ticket for you." Twilight says, giving me a wink. "I'll see you there."

"Thanks, Twilight." I tell her. "I should get going. Only fifteen minutes to the date." I say. We bid each other a temporary good bye right before I leave. I sprint to my house.

By the time I get home, I'm sweating. Once I'm inside, I look at a nearby clock. I have three minutes to get ready before Rainbow arrives. I take off my sweat-coated shirt and throw it to the side. Hopefully, Rainbow won't notice that I smell terrible. I put on a clean shirt. At that moment, I hear a knock on the door.

I open the door. "Hey, Mark." Rainbow says to me.

"You're right on time." I say.

She gives me a smile. "When I say I'm going to come at a certain time, I mean it." She says. I gesture for her to come inside. She does. I hear her sniffing at the air. "Damn, Mark. You need a shower."

"I was just at Twilight's place. I had to sprint to get here on time." I say.

She raises an eyebrow. "What were you doing there?" She asks.

I fight back a gulp. She probably thinks we had sex, seeing as how I'm sweating. "I was helping her out with a spell." I say. A half truth is still the truth.

Rainbow shrugs. "Alright." She jumps on my couch. I sit next to her.

"While I was there, Twilight mentioned something to me." I start. "She said you were taking this relationship slowly. What did she mean by that?"

Rainbow suddenly puts on a pained expression. It's like she witnessed a horrible car accident. She fights it off a second after it arrives. "Do you remember how I said my last relationship ended terribly?"

I suck in a breath. "Oh." I say simply. I rub my forearm. "If it's bad, you don't have to tell me about it."

"You told me about your past, Mark. I should tell you about mine." Rainbow says. She has a point. "The last stallion I was with was a pegasus named Shooting Star." She starts. "He was pretty cool. You would have liked him. He would have liked you." I don't like how she's using past tense. Did they have a bad break up or something? "Star was a member of the Equestrian military. He worked with Shining a few times before his wedding a couple of months ago." She shudders and fights back tears. She seems to decide it's a futile fight and lets tears flow. I pull her into a hug. I can tell where her story is going now. "A-A few days after the wedding, Star had to go on a mission to Saddle Arabia. He never came back. I know he died there. I never got to tell him good bye." She rests her head on my leg. "After he died, I got a gift from him. An elephant with a jewel on it. There was also a note saying he died while saving one of his friend's life. It wasn't in his hoofwriting. I think his friend sent it."

Damn. I expected Shooting Star's death after mentioning he was in the military, but I didn't expect a gift to come from him. Something tells me that it wasn't Shooting Star that sent the elephant, though. I wipe a tear from her eye. "I know what it's like to have a loved one in the military. My brother, Adam, was in the Canadian Army before I came here. You'd like my brother and he'd like you." I say. "He was really into mythology. If he knew of a place with pegasi and unicorns, he'd want to go there in a heartbeat."

She picks her head up. "Are you saying you weren't like that?" I can tell she's trying to change the subject. I don't blame her.

"Before Equestria, I always thought myths were just myths. I was wrong to say the least." I give her a smile.

Author's Note

As I said in my blog, I'm putting Rebirth on another hiatus. Details for why are here.

1: Last Night On Earth

“Be glad you’ve got me…” I mutter to my best friend and roommate, Dana, now passed out from drinking too much (again.) I don’t have anything against drinking. I’m a drinker myself, but I was just unfortunate to be her designated driver tonight. Dana and I are close friends, but we’re not dating. Everyone seems to think that, despite Dana being a lesbian.

I set her in the passenger’s seat of my car. I struggle a bit to wrap the seat belt around her. After finishing the task, I can’t help but see and smell the small amount of vomit coming from her mouth. I guess seven beers in 45 minutes will do that. Knowing her, she probably snuck in a few more when I wasn’t looking. I wipe the vomit from her face. I need to get her to stop this habit. It’ll kill her some day.

I lock and close her door and move over to the driver’s side. I’ve been having to drive Dana home after bar visits for almost a year now at a rate of about once per every three days. With a sigh of mild frustration, I start up the car. The digital clock on the dashboard reads 11:58 PM.

I’m really tired and there usually isn’t much traffic on this route, so I don’t bother putting my seatbelt on. I know it’s illegal, but it can’t get me pulled over by itself. I turn the radio on. Detroit Rock City by Kiss is playing. I turn it up in hopes that it will help wake up my unconscious passenger. It might help me wake up and be more alert.

The drive to our shared home is a little less than a kilometer long. Seattle being Seattle, several red lights are in the way. Seattle still being Seattle, it’s raining tonight.

Just as the song ends, the car forces itself forward. I barely get a chance to get a look at the rear view mirror and the car that hit mine. Without thinking, I thrust my right arm towards Dana to keep her still, even though I know she has a seat belt on. She moves forwards enough to slam into my arm. It hits the glove compartment with enough force that I hear something snap. I can’t tell if it’s in my arm or part of the dashboard.

My car comes to a sudden stop. Sudden enough that my face hits the wheel and bounces off. Without a doubt, the impact broke my nose. I can’t feel any pain from it, but I can feel the blood flowing down my face. I’m certain that also gave me whiplash. I can’t feel that, either, likely due to adrenaline.

I reach up to wipe some blood away. My hand is shaking like gelatin in the middle of an earthquake. Wiping away the blood barely works and not for very long. More blood just flows out of my broken nose.

I look to my left, only to see a large truck hit my fragile car. Time seems slows down. Seconds last for minutes. Minutes last for hours. It gives me the chance to see each and every piece of glass fly towards my face. I also get the chance to see my left arm break. I can’t feel a thing, even as a bone breaks through the skin and exposes itself to the world. Feeling nothing is worse than feeling everything.

Time seems to return to normal speed as my car flips on its roof. Without a seatbelt, I’m thrown towards Dana. She’s lucky enough to still be knocked out. There’s barely any visible damage on her, save for a few small cuts on her face. I crawl over her and towards the passenger side door. I try to open it, but nothing happens. Fuck. Why did I have to lock her door? I reach for the locking mechanism on her door. I hit it. Nothing happens. Did the impact of the truck break something inside the door?

I set my head down on her leg. I’m going to die here, all without feeling a thing.

There’s a faint tapping on the window. I look up to see a girl with black hair. She smiles at me.

A large flash of light temporarily blinds me and my vision fades to white. I see a faint gray silhouette. I try to move my head, but the silhouette doesn't move. I can't tell if I didn't move or if I did and the silhouette moved with me.

"Mark Cleveland." A voice calls out from the silhouette. I don't recognize the voice, but I can tell it belongs to a female. “I am Epona.” Epona? I've heard that word somewhere. “I am the goddess of harmony, honor, nobility, and peace.” A goddess. I'm definitely dreaming.

“Well, Epona, why are you here?” I ask, deciding to go along with what my dream wants me to do.

“I’m here to offer you a chance.” Epona says. She notices my hesitation to respond. “A chance at...rebirth, if you will. A new life.” I’m caught off guard by this. Her statement briefly stuns me, but I come to my senses.

I chuckle a bit. “A new life? I don’t believe you. I’m not dead or whatever.”

“Yes you are, Mark Cleveland. Your accident killed you. You are dead.”

“Prove it.” I ask, still not believing the one that claims to be a goddess.

“Your friend survived the accident.” Epona says without any hesitation.

This takes me off guard. How could she know if Dana survived? How could she have even known that Dana was in the car with me? I don’t want to believe that I’m really dead, but I have to. I look at where the voice of Epona is coming from. The silhouette still doesn't move. “Y-You’re telling the truth. I’m dead.” My voice is faint from this sudden revelation.

“To repeat myself, I’m here to offer you a chance at a new life. If you accept, you will be sent to my home world.” Epona says. A light comes from above her head. The light illuminates the area so I can clearly see her. She's a large white unicorn. Her mane is long, flowing, and black that looks like a dress. She looks like that girl I saw after the crash. She also has what looks like a tattoo with a sword and shield on her... thigh? Flank? Whatever it’s called. The location of the light keeps me from getting a good look at the tattoo. It takes me some time to notice the wings on her side that blend into her coat. I stare at the unicorn with wings. “Do not be alarmed, Mark Cleveland. There will be many more like me in your new home, should you choose to accept my offer.”

“A world full of unicorns? What the fuck…” I say. The latter sentence comes out of my mouth on its own.

Epona looks at me with what I assume to be disgust. “I am no mere unicorn. I am an alicorn.” She flaunts her wings. “Not all of my kin will be alicorns. There are indeed some, but most will be unicorns, pegasi, or earth ponies.”

I understood some of what she said. “Uh...Okay?”

The alicorn sighs. “But yes, you did indeed d-die in your world.” She seems to stutter a bit on the word ‘die’, as if she doesn’t understand what it means. “I am giving you the chance to live a new life in my world.” The way she said that makes it seem like she made the planet she wants to send me to.

“Wait, you said you were a goddess, right?” I ask. She nods in response. “Does that mean there are others? Just the way you said it makes it seem like there are.”

Epona nods. I think I see her frown. “Yes, there are other deities within my pantheon. Many have been lost in time, but some remain. I am one of them.” Alright, that works as an answer. “Do you accept my offer?”

The alicorn seems impatient. Since I apparently died and I’ve never had any beliefs of afterlife, the decision comes quickly. “I accept.”

Epona straightens her body. Her horn lights up quickly. My vision fades to black.

When I wake up, it feels like I haven't had anything to drink in a week. My throat is dry as a desert. I look around. There are trees all around me, except the clearing to my left. The trees are short enough for me to clearly see the blue sky. There isn’t a single cloud above.

The usual sounds of my home aren't there. No cars driving. No people talking. No construction. Nothing. Just silence. It’s both terrifying and deafening. I’m far too used to the sounds of Seattle.

Determined to find some sort of life besides plants and insects, along with sound, I stand up. A wave of vertigo surrounds me and I nearly fall over. I catch myself on a tree and almost throw up. I try to remember what happened for me to get here.

The car crash is the first thing to enter my mind. It’s a nightmare I’ll never be able to forget. The memory lingers in my thoughts for what feels like hours. The horrible memory eventually shifts to black, then the words from that… winged unicorn. Alicorn. Whatever. It sent me to this place. It didn’t even bother telling me the name of this place. The name of the creature returns to my mind. Epona.

My legs wobble as they try to move to another tree. It takes some time to get my legs to work normally. I empty my pockets to see if I had anything with me. I did, and everything I had with me during the car crash was with me now. The solar charging iPod that my brother gave me, headphones, my Swiss army knife, my wallet, some hard candies, a cigarette lighter, and a pen. I put the headphones in my ears and turn on my iPod. The first song to play is Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song. How fitting.

It slowly dawns on me that I’m in the middle of a forest with no exit in sight. How far away is civilization? Is there even any in this place?

I run off in a random direction, not having any idea where it would take me. My lungs struggle for air and I eventually stop. I look around. Nothing about the area seems to have changed. “Son of a bitch.” I say out loud. I keep wandering the thick forest. As with before, nothing about the landscape seems to change. I’ve got to be close to some sort of civilization. Of course, there’s that saying… Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Eventually, I decide to stop walking and just lean next to a tree. I rub my temple in frustration. I pick up a small rock next to me and throw it as hard as I can towards a tree. The rock misses and I hear a soft ‘Ouch!’ coming from behind it. Despite it being quiet, it makes me jump. After a second of hesitation, I step away from the tree and move towards the sound.

My eyes rest themselves on a tiny horse, one like Epona but smaller. This one has cream colored fur and a long, straight pink mane. Her head is turned away from me. The pony has wings and what appears to be three butterflies on her flank. “Ow…” The pegasus rubs her temple.

Not only did I just hit a mythical creature with a rock, the damn thing just talked. Did someone spike my drink? Needless to say, it’s a little more than shocking. It takes time for me to say something. “Are you okay?”

The pegasus flinches, but quickly recovers. “Y-Yeah. S-Something hit me in the head.” Good. She speaks English. She rubs her head again. Surprisingly, there is no blood. I threw that rock pretty hard. She turns to look at me and gasps. “W-What a-a-are you?”

The question didn’t surprise me, but I wish the pegasus worded it differently. The question makes me feel like I was sent to a distant planet. It might be true. It probably is. “I’m a human.”

The pegasus stares at me in astonishment. “Wow… I’ve never heard of a human before. I thought humans were just… myths.” A myth? That’s an interesting twist of fates. She looks at the rock that hit her. “Did you throw this at me?”

“On accident. I meant to hit a tree, but I missed. I’m sorry about that.”

She smiles at that. “Oh, that’s okay. You don’t have to be sorry about accidents.” Her response makes me smile. She’s already nicer than most people I know, and I don’t even know her name.

"Thank you. What’s your name?” I ask in hopes of getting someone to show me around the area.

“F-Fluttershy.” The pegasus stutters softly.

If names like that are common around here, it will be difficult to learn everybody’s names. “I’m Mark. Mark Cleveland.” I look around at the forest. There’s still no obvious exit. “Can you point me towards a town? I have no idea where we are.”

Fluttershy lifts her leg and points her hoof in the direction behind her. “My home town, Ponyville, is in that direction. We’re just inside the Everfree Forest. Be glad you aren’t deep inside. It’s dangerous and scary in there.”

Ponyville… I assume it’s named for the abundance of ponies and not humans. I remember hearing about an old show on TV from twenty years ago involving ponies. If Epona sent me to live in that show, I’m going to be a little bit pissed off. I rub my temple due to a headache that just arrived. The idea that I’m the only human here stabs into my mind.

“A-Are you okay?” Fluttershy asks. My pain must be incredibly obvious.

I hold onto my head and lean against a tree. “I don’t think so. It’s just…” I trail off. There’s no way she would believe what happened to me. “I… I think I need a doctor.”

Fluttershy trots up to me. “Can you walk?”

I nod. “Probably not very far.” My headache gets worse by the second.

Fluttershy looks at the ground, then quickly back to me. “Um… I don’t t-think we’ll get to the hospital soon…” She looks around the area. “D-D-Do you want to stay a-at my home?” She stutters and seems to blush faintly. I nod again. Fluttershy lets out a soft sigh of relief.

I follow her to her home, which is fortunately close to where we were. Her house is like a giant bush. It seems to be something you’d expect to see in a fairy tale. The doorway is short. To avoid hitting my head on the way inside, I duck while entering her home. Fluttershy’s home is larger on the inside than I expected. It makes sense, though, seeing that she is a pegasus. Creatures with wings tend to need room to fly around.

I sit on her soft, yet small, couch. It’s comfortable, like it could be a bed. “Thank you, Fluttershy. I didn’t want to spend the night in the forest.” I tell her.

The pegasus smiles kindly. “I’d do it for anypony. I couldn’t just leave a creature unprotected in the cold.” She says, then frowns. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

I look at her. I don’t see how she could have offended me there. “What do you mean?”

The pegasus rubs her foreleg. “I… I said ‘creature’. I didn’t mean to…” She looks like a kid that just broke their mother’s expensive vase.

So that’s what she meant. “It’s okay. I didn’t even catch you saying that.” Fluttershy still looks sorry. “You don’t have to worry about that. It was an accident, right? You don’t have to be sorry about accidents.”

Fluttershy smiles at that. It always feels good to make people feel better. Well, ponies, in this case. It still feels pretty good.

The two of us talk a bit. I give her some history of myself, but avoid my last moments in my previous life. It’s not like I’m trying to hide it or anything. I just don’t want to talk about it. She also gives me a brief tour of her house.

The day comes to a close. Fluttershy goes to her room and I sleep right there on the couch. It takes a long time for me to fall asleep. There are several reasons why. The fact that I’m likely surrounded by talking horses. The fact that I’m in a new world. The fact that I missed the chance to say ‘I come in peace.’

“Mark Cleveland.” A vaguely familiar voice wakes me from my slumber. I identify it as Epona’s. “It is a good thing that you have arrived safely in Equestria. I have not sent any humans to my planet in many millenia. I feared that I would have made a mistake with your form.” Epona says, leaving the implications where they should stay.

I attempt to nod, but can’t move. Do I not have a body? It doesn’t appear that I do. Maybe I still am dreaming? “Yeah, it’s good to have a perfectly working body. Well, besides the headache, I mean.”

Epona looks at me as if I spoke in a different language. “Headache?”

That surprises me. Well, if she truly is a goddess, I guess she wouldn’t know what a headache is. Goddesses are immune to pain, right? Lucky bastards. “Pain in the head.” I say. She asks what pain is and I do my best to define it. It’s surprisingly difficult.

“Apologies. I may be a goddess, but I am far from perfect.” She says.

“Right, right. Is there a reason why you’re talking to me right now?”

“I wished to make sure you made it to Equestria safely. It appears that you have, for the most part.” Epona says. I think I see a smile on her face.

“Yeah, I’m doing okay. I don’t like the headache, though. Could you do something about it when I wake up?”

“I will do my best.” Epona says. Her horn lights up for a second. The light turns off shortly after it arrives. “Do you have any more questions?”

Honestly, I have hundreds. Thousands. I don’t ask Epona, though. “N-No. Not right now.”

Epona nods once. Her horn lights up again and my vision fades to white.

15: Tangled Up in Blue

Rarity follows me to my house. She takes about a third of the clothes with her magic. I have to use good old manual labor to drag the rest to my home.

I open the door. I really need to put a lock on it. I don't think anybody here would steal, but I can never be too certain. I know nopony I've met would steal from me.

"Quite the large home you have, Mark." Rarity says once she enters.

"Yeah. It's not the biggest house I've lived in, but it's definitely spacious. Even more without any furniture." I sigh. "Damn. I don't even have a dresser or anything to put the clothes in…"

"Really?" Rarity asks. I nod. "We can't just leave these clothes on the floor."

"I know. I don't think I have enough money to get a dresser right now." I rub the back of my head. "I guess we could just leave the clothes on the couch for now. Could I stop by Carousel Boutique and work for some money?"

"I could just lend you some money. Or, I could give you a dresser for free."

I want to refuse, but I'm in need of it. "Thanks, Rarity. That's very generous of you." I flash her a smile.

Rarity smiles. "I'll get that dresser for you over here soon." She trots out.

Shortly after she leaves, there's a knock at the door. I open it to reveal Rainbow Dash. My stomach refuses to digest the butterflies that have just occupied it. "H-Hey, Rainbow."

"Hey, Mark." She says. "Why was Rarity in here?" I gesture to the large pile of clothes on the couch. "Oh. Is your thing charged?"

"I think so." I say. "I'll go get it." I move to my room and grab the iPod. It's charged enough to get a few hours out of it. I go back to the entrance. I should ask if she's a lesbian. I mean, if I'm seriously interested in her, I should at least know.

I let out a deep sigh. I feel like a teenager about to express his feelings towards a girl he likes. At least I think. I've never actually admitted love to anyone in my teenage years. Either way, it's actually pretty scary.

"Rainbow? I've had something on my mind for a while."

"What is it?"

"Alright, since I don't know how to say it, I'll just come out and ask. Are you a lesbian?" I ask, more blunt than a lead pipe. I've never been good at being subtle.

Rainbow Dash is caught off guard by my question. She recovers and just laughs. "I get that question all the time. You asking because of the mane?"

"And the coat color." I admit.

"That's a new one." Rainbow says with a toothy grin. "Nah. I'm not a lesbian. I'm straight, but I've experimented a bit."

It's my turn to be caught off guard. "That's… actually kind of hot." I admit.

"I was actually thinking you were gay."

"Really? Why?"

"You haven't gone out with anypony yet."

"Huh."

"So are you asking me out or something?"

"I... guess so?"

"Alright. There's a Wonderbolts show in a few days. Wanna go?"

"Yeah, sure." I say, despite not knowing what a Wonderbolt is. Is it a band or something? It sounds like it could be a band. That, or some sort of school mascot. Maybe a school band?

"You're gonna love it, Mark." She says, playfully punching my shoulder.

A black pegasus with a tinted blue mane in the shape of a mohawk lands behind her. "Rainbow, did you forget? We've got weather patrol."

Rainbow turns to the pegasus, who's seemingly ignoring me. "Sorry, Thunderlane. Yeah, I forgot." She turns to me. "I gotta go. See ya at the show."

"See ya." I say.

After Rainbow flies off, I chuckle softly to myself. That was the easiest date I've ever scored. I wasn't even trying to get one, either.

Wait. I'm going on a date with a pony. A pony.

Not a human.

I can feel a tightness in my chest. Bestiality is one of the worst laws to break back on Earth. I know, I'm not on Earth anymore, but… Damn. It's still a moral and ethical thing.

I breathe in and out in hopes to calm me down and stabilize my heart rate.

"I'm just going somewhere with a friend." I tell myself. "It's not a date. Just a trip with a friend. It's not a date."

"Why the fuck did I agree to that?" I tell myself again. "No… I didn't 'agree' to it. I asked her out." I hit my head against the wall. It hurts a lot. I feel my forehead. No blood. "Ugh… Okay, I just need to cancel the date."

But I've never canceled a date before. Would that be disrespectful to do that? I think so. Especially since it was arranged just a few minutes ago. Even if I decided to, how could I even contact Rainbow? I don't have a phone to call her with. I know she doesn't have one. There's probably not even any reception here.

Maybe I could write her a letter. I have no idea where she lives, though. I could ask Twilight. If anypony knows where everypony else lives, it would be Twilight. Or Pinkie. I get a weird vibe from that pink pony.

Dammit, mind, stay on track.

Okay… I'm going on a date with a horse. Not only that, but I'm attracted to said horse. Not only physically, but emotionally. It's very illegal to 'be with' an animal in Washington. And, if my memory serves me correct, a horse was involved in that law coming to be. That doesn't soften the blow to this moral dilemma.

But I'm not on Earth anymore… Morals are likely different here. Does that mean I can 'be with' a pony? I might be able to. I don't know if I'd want to be, even if I can. I don't really care about appearances and focus more on personalities, but dating a pony is a bit of a stretch.

I think I'm forced to go on this date with Rainbow Dash. Where was it to? I don't even remember. A concert, or something. I can go to a concert.

Maybe I'm just overthinking this. Sure, Rainbow called it a date. Maybe it's not a romantic one? It has to be, though. Concerts can be romantic. What was the band called? Overbolt, or something. It sounds like a punk band. So it's probably not a romantic thing. At least, I doubt it is. I mean, has Sex Pistols ever made anything remotely romantic?

So it's not romantic. I feel a massive weight being lifted off my shoulders and chest. It feels easier to breathe.

I sit on the couch and look out the window. The blue sky quickly changes into overcast. It looks like it's about to rain soon. How'd the sky do that?

I think that black pegasus said something about the weather. Weather patrol, I think. So pegasi can manipulate the weather? That's pretty damn cool. Pretty much any creature with wings is lucky. So are the ponies with horns. I mean, damn. Magic.

Earth ponies seem to have nothing special. There's got to be something to kind of balance out the powers, or whatever. Maybe they're stronger. Applejack can knock all the apples off a tree. I could only knock one down with a running start. AJ didn't even have to take a step. Yeah, earth ponies are probably stronger than unicorns and pegasi.

I stand back up. I open the door and walk outside. Sure, it's overcast and will probably rain soon, but I lived in Seattle for most of my life. I'm used to the rain. I think I've seen more rainy days than sunny days while living there.

I wander around Ponyville. I'm mostly out to look for a bar. After an hour, I couldn't find one. There might be one in Canterlot. I think I have enough money for a ticket.

It would also give me an excuse to find Princess Celestia and Princess Luna and talk to them again. I've never talked to them at the same time and I'd like to see how they act together. I'd like to see how a good relationship between siblings is. I mean, I know Princess Luna attacked Princess Celestia, but that was a millennium ago. And from how she acted around me, I'm assuming she's changed for the better since then.

At least, I'm assuming the two Princesses have a good relationship. I'd like to see one. I've never even had much of a relationship with my brother, what with him being in the Canadian Army and practically living in Iraq. It's a damn shame I won't be able to make our relationship any better. Unless Epona gets kind enough to bring him here. I don't think that'll happen. I doubt I'll ever see a human again.

I reach into my pocket and pull out my wallet. I take out the money I have. Just over $50 is inside. In a world with a different kind of currency, I don't need Earth's money. I'll keep this on me just in case I'm desperate for it. Maybe for a fire, or something. It probably won't do much to help me in that case.

I walk around more, still with no set destination in mind. I could go to a library and read up on Equestria and its history. Twilight’s got a large collection of books in her castle. I’m a bit disappointed in myself for not doing that earlier. Her home isn’t that far away, so I don’t even have an excuse to not stop by.

The walk over there is brief. A few ponies say hi to me. Even more so than people did on Earth. I think it’s for the best that I died. That’s not something I say every day. I doubt I’ll ever get used to mentioning my death.

I knock on Twilight’s door. It opens a few seconds later to reveal Spike, the dragon I met a while ago. “Hi, Mark. What’s up?”

“I just stopped by to say hi, and maybe to read up on Equestria.”

“I think Twilight would appreciate that.” He says. “Hey Twilight! Mark’s here!” He shouts into the castle.

Twilight shows up in less than five seconds. “No need to shout, Spike. I was just in the other room.” She sighs, then turns to me. “I think I heard you. Here to read some books?” She smiles.

“Yeah. I’m also here to say hi.”

“Hello. You can come in.” Twilight says. I walk inside.

I look around and admire the massive size of the castle. It feels like it’s smaller on the outside.

“I’m still getting used to it, too.” Twilight tells me. I overhear a sigh that I don’t think she meant for me to hear. “What kind of books are you looking for?”

“Something with mythology. I’m a living myth, so I should know more about my ‘siblings.’” That gets a giggle out of Twilight. I sit down in a chair.

“I have plenty of mythology books. Is there anything you’re interested in? Creatures? Deities?”

A book on deities, eh? I have the chance to get more information about Epona. And that Discord guy too, probably. “Let’s start with deities. I think it’s the most important. I don’t know a damn thing about Equestrian mythology, and gods are probably the most basic part of them.”

“True. I have a few books on Equestrian deities. Spike, can you help me find them?” Twilight asks the little dragon.

“Can do, Twilight.” He replies. “How many are there?”

“I don’t know, actually. At least seven.”

“I doubt I’ll need that many.” I say. “You can just start me off with the one with the best information.”

Twilight rubs her muzzle in thought. “I think Deities of Equestrian Mythology would be the most informative… It’s also the first mythology book I put in my current library.”

"Alright. I'll start with that one." I reply. Twilight walks into another room and returns shortly after. A book surrounded by lavender aura is floating next to her. Her horn's also surrounded in the same aura. I'll never be able to get used to the whole magic thing.

I grab the book and open it up. There's a list of deities at the beginning in alphabetical order and a brief description. I'm assuming more in depth descriptions are in later pages. Epona, Discord, Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna are the only names I recognize. I read the ones that interest me the most.

Aria
Preferred Species: Pegasus
The goddess of weather. As her mood shifts, the weather does, too. Aria is the absolute origin of pegasi. Her ability to control the weather has been passed on to the entire species. Pegasi don't have quite the same strength as Aria does when it comes to weather control, however.

Epona
Preferred Species: Alicorn
The goddess of harmony, honor, nobility, and peace. Although Epona is genderless, she prefers to take the form of a female Alicorn. She has been known to travel to different planets and sometimes different galaxies to speak to those she determines to be worthy.

Thylacine
Preferred Species: Unknown
The deity of existence. Thylacine's appearance and sex are completely unknown. It is sometimes displayed as an alicorn, a unicorn, or a different creature altogether. Thylacine is believed to be the creator of the world and the galaxy itself.

"Could I rent this?" I ask Twilight after reading some of the passages.

"Of course you can, Mark. I am rebuilding my library, after all. What use is a library if other ponies can't use it with you?" Twilight replies.

"Thanks, Twi." She blushes faintly at the nickname. I stand up. "I got some good information out of this." I look back at the list of deities. I'm curious about this Alaric fellow. The one named Aria is also interesting. Something's kind of drawing me towards them. They stand out more than the others.

I head back home and set the book on my dresser. I need more furniture. Just a bed, couch, and dresser isn't much to live with. I look out the window. The sun moved faster than I thought it was. It's almost night. I also realize that I'm almost unbearably tired.