So there's this mare I know...
Author's Note
Warning: I may or may not be referencing past and future stories in this fic.
So there's this mare I know...
Today was not a normal day.
If today was a normal day, she would probably still be at home tending to the various chores that always piled up during the workweek. If today was a normal day, she’d probably have her third batch of muffins in the oven and be thinking about what she was going to prepare for dinner that night. If today was a normal day, most likely Dinky would be puttering about the neighborhood chasing fairy-tales and talking to ‘spirits’ that only she could see. (She did worry a bit about her daughter, but she was coming to understand Dinky was just an unusual sort of filly. Not entirely unlike her mother, come to that.)
But today was not a normal day. Her chores were only half done, she’d only made one tray of muffins, and Dinky was sleeping over at the Apple Family place with the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Admittedly, they were good muffins, and she could get to the chores tomorrow, but breaking her habits was not something that left her with a surfeit of comfort. Especially given why she was breaking said habits.
Of course it helped immensely that the somepony responsible for all of this was Pinkie Pie, who stood with the kind of barely restrained energy that she usually associated with fillies and colts after Nightmare Night candy binges. Then again, given that it was Pinkie Pie, that was probably not an unrealistic comparison. “You need to reeeee-laaaax.” Pinkie hissed at her before giggling cheerfully. “He’s a really nice stallion! I promise you’re going to get along great.”
She sighed. “Pinkie, I know your heart is in the right place…” She slowly trailed off, kicking a hoof into the dirt. The last thing she wanted to do was burst Pinkie’s bubble, especially for something as sweet as this.
But Pinkie just pffft’d and wrapped a foreleg around her shoulders. “Ditty, Ditty, Ditty.” Pinkie cooed, a sly smile on her face. “You can’t keep staying all cooped up in your coop all the time. You gotta get out there, fillyfriend!” She beamed at her with all of the innocence she’d come to expect from Pinkie. “Now, I want you to pinkie-promise me that you’re not going to try and run off on him if things are a bit awkward.” She planted her hooves on her hips and huffed. “You need to give him a chance.”
Ditty - that was to say Ditzy Hooves - sighed and did the hoof motions Pinkie expected for her promise. “Okay, okay. I’ll give him a chance, but you know he’s just gonna run off on me.” She really was trying her best not to be so down on herself, but she knew how this sort of thing worked out. Something would happen, and something would explode or break or whatever, and the poor colt would run for the hills as fast as his hooves could carry him.
But for once, Pinkie just rolled her eyes at her. “Trust me, Ditty. This one’s different.” She poked Ditzy in the chest and smiled before turning her eyes back to the road. “I’ve got reports from Top Ponies that you and he are gonna get along like buttercream and ganache.”
“What ponies?” Ditty asked suspiciously, eyeballing Pinkie’s suddenly sly-again smile. She didn’t trust that smile since the time Pinkie had tried setting her up on a date with Rainbow Dash, a turn of events that had lead to half the weather reserves dumped on Ponyville and poor Dashie losing her mind with laughter and frustration.
“Top. Ponies.” Pinkie enunciated with a clear waggle of her eyebrows. “Oh! There he is!” She pointed her hoof towards a turn in the street where-
Wow. He was huge.
In fact, Ditzy was prepared to declare that he was easily the equal of Big Macintosh in terms of pure size. Thick limbs, a double-sized barrel of chest, and the kind of hangdog look on his face that Ditzy had only previously seen on little puppies who wanted a hug. She could easily spot the signs of somepony who’d been through the wringer more than once living alongside the signs of somepony who ate healthy and heartily on a regular basis.
So he was full of contradictions, which was enough to make her temporarily forget her own problems and just enjoy the sight of him trundling along the road. “Mornin’ Miz Pie.” He rumbled in a deep bass voice that Ditzy would’ve loved to spread over her muffins in the morning. The thought of which was enough to make her blush right off the bat, even though she hadn’t intended that thought to go that way.
“Good morning to you too!” Pinkie chirruped, then turned. “Ditzy Hooves, this is Troubleshoes, aspiring rodeo clown.” She giggled. “Troubleshoes, this is Ditzy Hooves, our loyal and hardworking local mailmare.” She clapped her hooves together joyfully. “Now kiss!” She exclaimed, probably joking. Probably.
Troubleshoes chuckled roughly, a sound which was some combination of a tuba and a shovel turning over a pile of gravel. It was still a nice sound, though. “Beg pardon, Miz Pie. But I reckon I oughter’ get to know your friend first.” He turned his doe-eyed gaze on her, and it was all she could do not to flee into the distance in terror of her own klutziness. “Ma’am, it’s a right pleasure to meet’cha.” He extended a friendly hoof, obviously looking for a shake.
Ditzy took a long and deep breath twice before shaking his hoof back and putting on her very brightest smile. “Th-the pleasure is all mine, Mister Shoes.” She wasn’t sure if that was right, but best to get off on the right hoof by being polite anyway. “Um, Pinkie tells me you know Applejack?” She had to find a way to break the ice, but absolutely nothing was coming to mind.
Troubleshoes nodded, half smiling. “Not personally ya understand, she’s a bit too high-falutin’ to be slummin’ with a wannabe showpony like myself.” He sounded awfully cheerful about that, oddly enough. “Her li’l sister was quite a hoot, though. Her an’ her friends have almost as much bad luck as I do.” He paused, then chuckled again. “Almost.”
Ditzy was curious about that, but before she could formulate a question the stallion did a little turn in place and nodded towards the road. “We should get goin, or we’re gonna be late fer dinner.” He sounded awfully laconic about that prospect, and a curious look at him produced a follow up comment. “I expect to always be late fer dinner. Jus’ the way my luck runs.”
That was true, and by the time she glanced around to figure out what had happened to the party-pony-of-ponyville she had vanished. Probably to spy on them. “Well, okay then.” She nodded and hopped up to her hooves. “Maybe you can explain what all this talk of luck means on the way?” She asked, genuinely curious. Maybe tonight was gonna work out?
~~~~~~~~~~~
Troubleshoes was a simple country pony, eeyup. He had a country pony’s outlook on life, and a country pony’s sensibilities to go with it. No matter how long he’d spent ignoring those things in favor of stewing in his own moonshine, he was still the same somepony who’d always wanted to be a proper Rodeo pony and that was that. That being said, Troubleshoes knew he was still a stallion who’d spent a lotta years figuring he’d never find somepony who’d be willing to put up with his misfortunes and that needed to change.
When Applejack had sent him a letter telling him she knew somepony who might just be able to change that, he’d been a mite sure she was buckin’ up the wrong apple tree. But here was this cute l’il thang with beautiful golden eyes that were just a mite cockneyed, but there was nothing wrong with that. Troubleshoes had known Rodeo boxers with worse cockeyed looks than that after gettin’ their bells rung once too many times, and they’d all been decent sorts.
And this cutie of a mare was much the same, near as he could tell from only a few minutes of jabberin. “So that’s th’ short of it.” He concluded, having covered the important bits about his ill-luck. Which would hopefully not be bothering him too much tonight, but he never presumed nothin. Still, given what he’d been told about this pegasus she wouldn’t mind a mite of ill luck muckin’ up the proceedings.
Ditzy nodded, smiling with a warm sympathy that made the cockles of his heart all fuzzy. “Sounds kinda like me, actually.“ She giggled, a sound that sounded as bubbly as her cutie mark. “Well, don’t worry too much about it. Things seem to have a way of being crazy here in Ponyville on a regular basis anyway, so anything we get up to shouldn’t raise too many eyebrows.” She winked. “Lets grab a bite, and then we can head over to the show.”
She pointed ahead of them to what looked kinda like a market square, ‘cept that it was full of food stalls like you mighta’ seen at a Rodeo fair. Seemed right sensible to him to avoid any fancy sit-down places, especially given such places were usually jam-packed with more ways for him to make a right fool of himself. Then something a little off-kilter occurred to him. “Wait? What d’ya mean it sounds like you?” That was definitely not what he’d expected to hear.
“Oh! Um.” The way she um’d was right adorable with her hoof over her mouth an’ her wings a-flappin, but it wasn’t the time to be worrying about such things. “Well uh.. I’m a bit… clumsy, you might say?” She kicked a hoof in the dirt and looked away, cheeks reddened. “I’ve kinda got a reputation for breaking things.”
“Like what?” He asked as they came to a halt in line. He took that moment to examine the other ponies, and to his surprise his da- companion only got one or two bad-looks. Most of the ponies waved happily to her, or smiled in the kinda way a lovin’ parent might smile at a precocious youngin. Ditzy muttered something under her breath that got lost in the hubbub of voices. “Didn’ catch that, miss.” He prompted, trying to put her at ease with a dopey smile. The kind the youngin’s at the rodeo liked to see from the clowns.
“Town Hall.” She looked away after speaking, kicking at the dirt. She was still speaking awfully softly too. “I also kinda, sorta, maybe dropped a piano on the Princess once.” She ducked her head, scrubbing at the back of her mane. “Before she was the Princess, I mean, but it was still a piano. It broke.” She paused. “The piano, not the princess.” Then she paused again and buried her face in her hooves. “Oh, sweet Celestia, I’m making a fool of myself, aren’t I?”
But Troubleshoes didn’t think that, nosiree. In fact, he couldn’t keep the dumbest grin he’d ever had off of his face. Still, she was trying to fort-up after that little confession and he couldn’t have nonna that, nope. “Well, I wrecked Dodge City’s water tower.” He pointed out, pulling her head out of her hooves with a little tug. “Flooded th’ whole town and the mine.” And for some consarnit reason, that made her smile. It was such a pretty smile that he kept going. “An then there was this one time I broke th’ doors on the animal wagons fer the Las Pegasus Circus.” He made a face and boggled his eyes a bit. “Bunnies everywhere. It was horrifyin.”
That broke the dam, and Ditzy burst into laughter. She nearly fell over from it “Ohmigosh, you’re kidding!" She managed out from behind her hooves, her bright gold eyes sparkling.
“Eeenope.” He drawled, waggling his eyebrows. “I ain’t even mentioned the weasels, either.” That got a fresh round of laughter out of her, and for once in his life Troubleshoes had no reservations about that sound. Especially since it was such a pretty sound to listen to.
~~~~~~~~~~
Four hayburgers, two large fresh-cut shoefries, and an extra-large strawberry milk-shake Pinkie Surprise later, Ditzy was in a fantastic mood. It was wonderful to have somepony around who didn’t shy away every time she lost her balance. In fact, she’d only had one serious trip-up over the past few hours that had caused anything other than a minor crowd shift as they moved towards the stage in Ponyville Park.
Granted, said trip up had resulted in the spilling of an entire cart of apples but Applejack took one look at her and her company and simply waved them off with a grin. Probably Rainbow Dash’s influence, given that she was the only somepony in town who really understood what her condition did to her. Maybe she’d finally been able to convince some of the other ponies in town. That would be almost as good as this little date was going so far.
Granted, they’d been hanging out for like, less than an hour, but that was practically an academy record for her. She couldn’t believe there hadn’t yet been some kind of major catastrophe! “What’s th’ show for the night?” Troubleshoes asked, cocking an eyebrow towards the well-lit if hastily cobbled together stage ahead of them.
Ooo, ooo! A chance to impress him about how awesome Ponyville was! “Some of our local residents are going to a big competition in Las Pegasus in next week,” Ditzy replied, beaming at him. “They’re going to do a little pre-contest show, along with some of our other local talent.” She bounced up and down, unable to suppress her giggles. “One of the singers actually reminds me a lot of you. You might know him, it’s…”
Troubleshoes instantly brightened, his eyes going wide. “Oh! Big Macintosh is gonna perform? Nifty.” His mouth twitched up from it’s morose floppiness to a goofy smile. “I saw ‘im do his famous turkey impression a coupla years ago at the Appleloosa fair.” His ears pricked up almost like a Diamond Dog’s, and he picked up his pace a bit. “Be quite a hoot to see ‘im doin somethin’ a little more hoity. He join some kinda barbershop quartet?”
“Something like that,” It would be better to let him experience The Ponytones for himself. The crowds were starting to gather around them, in as much as a crowd ever came to Ponyville. There were quite a few out-of-towners here to see The Ponytones before they went to Las Pegasus, and Ditzy could’ve sworn at least a hoof-full of Canterlot well-to-do’s had shown up too.
Fortunately, it was going to be a little bit before they got on stage, so this would be a great chance to get to know the pony next to her. “So when you’re not knocking over water towers, what do you do with your time?” She asked, hoping her ‘joking tone’ was still up to snuff enough not to make it sound mean.
He gave her an odd look at first, then apparently decided to take the rib with good humor. “I only did it th’ one time,” He said with a wry smile. “Well y’know I’m a rodeo clown nowadays,” He continued thoughtfully, cocking his head at her. “An I’m a big fan of all th’ rodeo events, so I spend a lotta time watchin’ em practice and travelin’ to get to the next event.” He shrugged a little. “After all that? Well, I like bowlin.” He said with such a straight face that Ditzy initially thought he was pulling her hoof. Which must’ve come across on her face, because he drooped a little before speaking again, “Well I didn’t say I was much good at it.”
She couldn’t help herself. She laughed, leaning into his massive bulk and using it as a means of not simply rolling about on the ground while she did so. “Weren’t that funny.” Troubleshoes grunted as she once again couldn’t contain her mirth. And after a few moments, he spoke in a much more rueful tone.”Aright, maybe it was a little funny.”
Ditzy shook her head, trying to clear out the laughter so she could address what was going on. “No no… It’s not…” She huffed, smacking herself in the head. “It’s just the way you said it, yanno? You look so adorable like that.” That made his cheeks redden and his eyes widen, and she smiled. “I’m sorry if it came across as something else…”
“Ah, shoot.” Troubleshoes huffed, shaking his head. “Ain’t nothin wrong with it, Miz Ditzy. I’m still a mite sensitive about such things I guess.” His lips turned up again into that goofy grin, and she could immediately believe that Troubleshoes was probably one very successful Rodeo clown. “An I really do like bowlin’, even if I ain’t much good at it.” He held his head high, striking a dramatic sort of pose. “I swear, someday I’ll break a hundred!”
Well, if he was going to admit his own odd hobby, she might as well admit her own. “I like to play chess.” She ducked her head instinctively as Troubleshoes arched an eyebrow at her. “Um… My daughter beats me at it all the time.” Troubleshoes other eyebrow went up. “She’s eight.” She finished, flattening to the ground and covering her eyes with her hooves. It was her turn to get her medicine.
Troubleshoes did chuckle alright, a rich throaty sound that originated somewhere from the business end of a tuba. “Least yer honest about it.” She felt a cool nose nudge her in the side. “Hep up there, li’l lady. It ain’t so bad. An yer missin’ the Shillelagh pony with the lyre.” Ditzy’s head came up almost as fast as Rainbow Dash on a hayburger run. Sure enough, Lyra was on stage with Bon Bon, playing a slow and melodic ballad while Bons sang in a language that Ditzy couldn’t recognize.
Troubleshoes nodded slowly in time with the song while the rest of the crowd fell into silence around them. “Ain’t heard this one in a long time,” He whispered to her, nodding to the familiar pair of ponies. “Y’all know them?”
She nodded, turning to give the music her full attention. The fact that it also gave her a chance to sidle up a bit closer to Troubleshoes was purely coincidence. She was pretty sure the fact that he sidled closer to her was an equal coincidence, even if it was a very nice coincidence.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Troubleshoes had to admit, he hadn’t thought Big Macintosh would be that much of a singer. Truth be told, he hadn’t realized a dragon could sing like that neither. “Who was that dragon feller?” He felt inclined to ask Ditzy as they strolled along the lanes of the park, the bright light of the half moon and little glittering lanterns filled with will-o-wisps making the park almost fairy-tale beautiful.
“Oh, Spike? He’s a sweetie.” Ditzy smiled shyly at him. “He’s grown up a lot these past few years, ever since the Princess moved into the new castle. She says it’s because he keeps eating the furniture.” She giggled faintly. “He joined the Ponytones after Toe Tapper and Torch Song ran off to Manehatten together.” She said the last in a conspiratorial tone, leaning in and whispering in a faux-scandalized voice.
“Love does make folk do strange things.” Immediately after sayin it, Troubleshoes realized he sounded too much like a bumpkin, so he figured that he ought to keep goin. “I ‘spose that they didn’t tell anypony they was up to somethin before they got hitched then?” There, that was a little less country-stupid and a little more paying attention.
Ditzy nodded, pushing her mane out of her pretty eyes with a hoof. “Yeah, you should’ve heard Rarity when she found out. I’ve never heard her scream like that before.” She paused. “Well, okay, maybe once, but I wasn’t supposed to hear that one.” That made her cheeks color, but she didn’t shy away the way a lotta mares might’ve when that subject came up.
Troubleshoes felt his grin coming up again, which was now on track to break his personal record of smiles-per-day by about a thousand percent. Yeesh, what was it about this mare? “Pretty night.” He said quietly, enjoying their surroundings for the novelty it was. Most towns that he went to with the Rodeo didn’t look quite this nice, but they were pretty close to Canterlot so maybe that was why. Or maybe it was just that there were a whole mess of trees here like he didn’t much see on the road.
Word had it there was a Rodeo tour that worked the big cities on the coast - Manehatten, Fillydelphia, Baltimare, Hollow Shades an’ Neighagra Falls, jes to name a few. He’d heard they were thinkin’ of extendin the route up to the Crystal Empire too. An’ given what he knew about the railways, it stood to reason t’ think that Ponyville wouldn’t be too hard to skip a ride to durin a break if he played his cards right and-
Jumpin jehosaphat, what was goin wrong with his egg? He’d just met this mare! An’ he was still workin’ on making a name for himself on the Rodeo tour as somethin’ other than a curse. Yeesh. But she sure was pretty to look at in the moonlight, an’ Troubleshoes could feel his troublesome luck actin’ up again. O’ course he’d meet the mare of his dreams on the flank-end of his current job route, so far away from reasonable travel that she might as well be on the moon fer all the good it did him.
Ah well. Maybe she’d let him write her, an then maybe he could figger something out if he could get his act together enough. “You okay, Troubleshoes?” She asked quietly, looking up with a tender concern that darn near melted his jaded little heart.
He considered the beautiful night they were walkin’ under, and the good time he’d already had. “Yeah, I reckon I’ll be okay.” He said, smiling again. It was hard not to smile when she looked at him like that.
~~~~~~~~~
Ditzy was worried that maybe she hadn’t been sending the right signals, or maybe he was just not paying attention to him. Or maybe it was the hayburgers, she really couldn’t tell, but some grumbling in her tummy area told her that he wasn’t cottoning on, and for once in her life, Ditzy wasn’t having it.
By the time they had finally wandered back to her front door - she was one of the few pegasi who lived on terra firma for one very good and very adorable reason - she had worked up her perfect plan. “Thank ya kindly for the wonderful evenin’ Miz Ditzy.” Troubleshoes said with his rumbly voice, sounding happier than he had when the night had begun scarce hours ago. Of course, he also looked like Pinkie Pie when somepony else got the last slice of cake. Which was to say, hang-dog and really out of it.
And she was not about to let him end his evening on a sad note, especially when it had gone so swimmingly. “Thank you for the lovely company, Troubleshoes.” She piped up, keeping her tone as cheery as possible. She glanced from side to side, making absolute certain that nopony was going to peep on her when she did this before sidling up alongside him and nuzzling her cheek into his. “You know, the night isn’t over yet.” She half-whispered into his ear as she got close, causing the one eye she could see to widen significantly in response.
“Erm… Ain’t that a mite much fer a first date?” He said in a quiet, tremulous voice that just made her warm up to him even more. Aw, he was nervous! Then he sighed and drooped his head. “Miz Ditzy, I’d-”
“Just Ditzy, please, Troubleshoes.” She said with just as much earnestness as before. “And you don’t need to worry, really. I’m a big mare.” She made a fake little flex, winking at him. “Tough girl. I’ve had a filly already too, so I know what I’m getting myself into.”
But Troubleshoes just shook his head. “S’not that. I uh…” And now his cheeks had gone as red as Applejack’s apples. “Not that I don’t appreciate th’ idea.” He coughed once. “A whole lot more than I did about ten seconds ago when I hadn’t been thinkin’ about it for long enough for the rest of me to catch up.” He shook his head once, as if trying to knock out the cobwebs. “But I think I’d like t’ get ta know ya better first, if’n ya catch my meaning.”
She stared at this very strange stallion for a long time, before feeling a single soft laugh escape her lips. “I swear, every time I think I’ve got stallions figured, you lot throw me another curveball.” She considered things for a moment before turning his head with a wing and smiling. “Yeah, I do understand. We can get to know each other a little better first. But in return, you’ve got to do one thing for me.”
Troubleshoes blinked at her. “Of course, Mi- Erm. Ditzy.” He said with an awkward sort of smile. “What’d you have in mind?”
She leaned up until she got reaaaally close before speaking in a whisper soft voice. “You’re going to need to find somepony to foalsit Dinky for me.” Then she stole a fast kiss on his muzzle before he could say another word.
The smile he gave her after that was just right.
~~~~~~~~~
About a month later, a letter arrived at Ditzy’s door not addressed for one of Ponyville’s many residents, but for herself. It was an invitation to the Las Pegasus Royal Rodeo Competition, where Troubleshoes was going to be part of a brand new comedy routine performed for Princess Celestia’s entertainment. The little flyer that had come with the tickets featured him in full Rodeo clown makeup getting hurled spectacularly through the window of a fake building. The building itself was also on fire, with other rodeo clowns fleeing in comedic terror.
Even better, Troubleshoes had secured a foalsitter for the entire weekend—apparently because said foalsitter was also going to be taking care of Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo too. Apparently Applejack was going to be attending, along with some of her friends, and she’d shanghai’d her cousin Braeburn into taking care of the fillies for the weekend.
Also included with the invitation, though in a separate envelope, was a reservation for the Princess Suite at The Canterlot Palace Hotel and Casino for three whole nights. Fully insured.
Ditzy couldn’t help but grin at the last bit.
